The Merchant of Greenwich

Everyone's mouth was agape as they watched Ross say goodnight to his date through the large picture window at Central Perk. She left him with a soft kiss on his cheek that almost knocked his friends off their feet. Each one of them stunned at the improbable pairing of this woman with movie star looks and their friend who has dinosaur figurines decorating his bedroom. Even Rachel was begrudgingly impressed despite herself. She let out an audible gasp upon first seeing Ross's date, and then retreated to the couch in order to collect herself before facing her ex-boyfriend and the smug grin that would no doubt be plastered across his face.

Ross finally entered the coffee house after watching his date walk away and everyone spun around; their eyes wide with shock and awe as a million questions ran through their brains. Rachel made sure to screw her own face up as she tried her best attempt at showing Ross an uninterested scowl. Working her hardest to appear unbothered by this startling discovery. She had no doubt that Ross purposely paraded his date here, on this street, right in front of their favorite hangout, just to get a reaction out of her. She used that assumption as fuel for her disdain at how pathetic and petty he could be.

Chandler started to stammer, tripping over his own tongue as he tried to say something, anything that resembled a cohesive thought. It looked as if he would be in a perpetual state of astonishment until Joey hit him in the head, resetting his brain as if he were a skipping record. Even Monica and Phoebe were swept up in the spectacle, both offering their own saucy comment about his date's physical appearance.

Rachel and Ross verbally sparred for a moment, but it was short-lived as Rachel could see she was fighting an uphill battle and Ross was too busy basking in the glow of his achievement. It killed her that he was the first one to show up with a smoking hot date before she could. She made a silent vow that she would find someone even hotter and rub his face in it when she got the chance.

Monica held back, standing next to Chandler on the other side of the couch while everyone else slid closer to her brother; ready to grill him for more information. Joey in particular seemed to be completely rapt as Ross shared the details of his evening with the gang.

Chandler could only stand there in amazement and shook his head as a wowed smirk spread across his lips. "Unbelievable."

Monica leaned into him and shot an elbow into his ribs. "Down boy."

Chandler looked over to ensure no one else was paying attention and then turned and gestured defensively at Monica. "Oh, no. No. No, no, no. She's not my type. Not for me. She's too…" he lifted his hand in the air and trailed off as he tried to think of something to say that would satisfy his girlfriend's overactive imagination.

Monica turned and raised a skeptical eyebrow. "What? She's too beautiful, tall, sexy…"

Chandler squirmed uncomfortably as he tugged at his collar. He then looked down and quickly snatched two coffee mugs from the table. "Oh wow. Will you look at all the empties! I think I'll go get us some refills."

He turned to walk to the counter and Monica followed him, carrying her own empty cup with a smirk. She enjoyed these moments when she could make him wilt uncomfortably as he tried his best to figure out how to express himself without sticking his foot in his mouth. She gave Chandler one more narrowed glance and then placed her mug on the counter beside him as he gestured to Gunther for a few refills.

Chandler turned back to face Monica with a hint of indignation on his face. "Hey. You can't be mad at me. Last week when we were watching TV you went on and on about Tom Wopat."

Monica shook her head and rolled her eyes. "That's different."

Chandler gestured inexplicably with his hands. "What? Why? How?"

"Because Tom Wopat did not just drop my brother off after a dinner date."

Chandler nodded slowly and rubbed his chin. "Now that would have been a dinner date I would have wanted to hear a story about."

Monica chuckled at his joke against her own better judgment. "You know what I mean!"

Chandler looked over at the couch once more to make sure everyone was still focusing their attention on Ross and then he gently placed his hand on Monica's arm. "Look, you don't have to worry about things like that."

Monica twisted her brow with skepticism. "Really?"

"Yes. Do you know how unlikely it would be for me to have dinner with a girl who looked like that?"

Monica smirked. Unable to hold a straight face even though she wanted to keep the pressure on him. She had to look away to smile or else give up the game completely. She then playfully knocked Chandler in the side once more, unable to sincerely feel slighted.

Chandler turned her to face him, placing his hands on her shoulders, and flashed her an earnest, sincere smile. "Mon. You have to understand something. The way we reacted to Ross showing up with that girl is the exact same way people react when I show up somewhere with you."

Monica let a half-smile twitch the corner of her mouth and then glanced down at her feet. A flash of a sheepish, bashful grin on her face. "Keep talking."

Chandler couldn't help but chuckle as he looked around the lobby of the coffee house. "I mean, look around. You're the most beautiful woman in the room."

"Really?"

"Are you kidding me? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms."

Monica smiled. Satisfied that Ross's date hadn't rendered her completely invisible and superfluous. "So, am I still the most beautiful woman in the room? Even with Miss Paleon-hot-tologist?"

Chandler tilted his head and flashed her a pair of playful, taunting eyes. "Well, technically, she wasn't in the room."

Monica gave his hand a good-natured slap and turned around to return to their friends on the couch.

Chandler slid up behind her and let out a quiet, impressed "woah" in her ear.

She looked over her shoulder at him. Her eyebrows wrinkled with confusion. "What?"

"Have you seen the ass on you?"

Monica rolled her eyes and shushed him, quickening her pace to the couch in hopes that they were not gone long enough to arouse suspicion.

Chandler leaned against the kitchen counter as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He winced as he saw there was nowhere for him to sit with Rachel, Phoebe and Ross seated at the kitchen table. He grumbled to himself, quietly lamenting the fact that he would have to find somewhere else to read his morning paper. He shook his head and walked into the livingroom as he made his way over to the big comfy chair. He hated sitting in here for breakfast. The coffee table was too far away and too low for him to instinctively grab his coffee without looking away from what he was reading. He also could not lay the paper down like he would at the table, since it would slide and fall from his lap. And now, with Monica living here, he knew if he did not use a coaster, he would be taking his own life in his hands. He almost felt like he was the one who got evicted, and now he was forced to live in this new apartment, with new rules and a never-ending cavalcade of guests all hours of the day.

He looked up and stared into the kitchen. "You know, now that the four of us are living here, I've noticed how crowded it can get when the two of you come over. When do we all get to go to your apartment and eat your food?"

Rachel scoffed and pointed at the refrigerator. "None of that is your food."

Chandler's eyes went wide with self-righteous indignation. "We had food before you two moved in here."

"You mean the jar of fuzzy pickles and that greasy paper bag?"

"Those were pickles?"

Rachel rolled her eyes and lifted her crossword puzzle up to cover her face. Signaling to anyone paying attention that she was done with that conversation.

Monica stepped out of Chandler's old bedroom and sat dejectedly on the arm of the chair next to him with the telephone up against her ear. "I'm sorry, I just won't be able to do it. Thanks for thinking of me though. All right. Goodbye."

Chandler looked up at her as she slumped against him. "What was that."

"I had to turn down a catering gig."

"How come?"

"It was for sixty people. I don't have the money or the equipment to do a job that big." She then gestured with her head towards the kitchen. "I'm sorry Pheebs. Looks like we won't be working this weekend. I know you could have used the money too."

Chandler put his paper down in his lap and then sympathetically rubbed the small of Monica's back. "Is this something you really want to do?"

"Is what something I really want to do?"

"Be a caterer?"

Monica shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know."

Chandler rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Well, that's the spirit."

Monica glared at him, admonishing his sarcastic comment with a stern look. "At least it is a good way to make some money while I look for another job in a kitchen."

"Well, how much do you need?"

"I guess for food and equipment…five hundred dollars."

Chandler took pause and then slowly nodded. "Okay."

Monica wrinkled her brow, unsure of what he was talking about. "Okay what?"

"Okay, I'll give you the five hundred."

"Really?"

"Yeah. If this is something you want to do. Plus, it'll probably go to better use than the five hundred I lent Joey so he could take rap lessons."

Monica grimaced. "What? Really? Where he could learn to rap? Like…Kurtis Blow? Or L.L. Cool J.?"

"Yeah. It turns out he was supposed to take tap lessons but read the audition sheet incorrectly. It really tanked his audition for 'Singing in the Rain'. Although you haven't heard 'Fit as a Fiddle' until you've heard the rap version."

Monica dismissed the image Chandler conjured up of Joey rapping with a quick shake of the head and then clasped her hands together excitedly. "So, you'll lend me the money?"

"Sure. If it'll help you get a job."

Monica gave him a tight hug as she gushed. "Thank you so much. Oh man, I have to call them back right away and tell them I can do it! And I have to start planning. I'm going to need a pan for omelets, and one for pasta dishes…" Monica got up from the chair and walked back towards the bedroom with the phone in her hand. Her voice trailed off as she listed a few more things she would need for the job.

Phoebe shot up in her seat and clapped her hands. "Oh yay! So we're on for another event?"

"Looks that way, thanks to Chandler."

Phoebe smiled and then gave a teasing glance towards Chandler. "Wow, so, he is like our sugar daddy now."

Monica glanced at Phoebe over her shoulder with a bemused smile on her face before disappearing back into the bedroom to make her phone call.

Ross, wearing a mildly impressed expression, got up from the table and walked towards the livingroom. "Wow. That was really nice of you."

Chandler shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's the least I can do, maybe getting a job will help get her out of the funk she is in."

Ross wrinkled his brow. "Is she in a funk?"

"Well, you know, with losing the apartment and no job, she's been better."

Ross flattened his lips as he turned towards the bedroom door. "I hadn't noticed. She seems really happy to me. Especially lately."

Chandler looked down and flashed a quick smile. He could not help but think Monica's improved mood must be due to him and the fact that they were secretly dating. He looked back up at Ross and nodded with a hint of self-satisfaction. "I guess she found some other things to make her happy."

Ross nodded and then gave Chandler a brotherly pat on the shoulder. "Thanks for looking out for her." Ross then smiled. "You know, it is a good thing she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Chandler suddenly felt as if perhaps he was being too cavalier, flying too close to the sun with their secret and somehow tipped Ross off that something was going on. He tried to appear nonchalant, but he started to feel nervous and anxious, as if one misstep could unravel the entire thing.

"What? Why? I mean, boyfriend? That's crazy. She doesn't have a secret boyfriend."

"I know." Ross had to take a moment to study the quick change in Chandler's demeanor. He then disregarded it and continued. "I'm just saying, something like that would probably make them jealous."

Rachel craned her neck, reappearing from behind her crossword puzzle. "No Ross, the only person who gets jealous when someone tries to help a woman get a job is you. Everyone else usually just says congratulations."

Ross let out a loud "harumph" and banged his arms together in her direction, signaling the patented Ross Geller middle finger. Rachel gasped as she watched him make his way out of the apartment, nodding his goodbyes to everyone else except her.

"Oh, if we are going to work this week, I have to clean my uniform!" Phoebe sat up and pushed her chair in, heading to the door. "I'll have to get it back first though from my neighbor's dog."

Chandler knew better than to pry and get Phoebe to elaborate, so he simply nodded with a series of slow, long, head bobs. He then looked at his watch. "I better get going too."

He stepped up behind Phoebe, and she stopped walking long enough to flash him a sly smile. "Oh, is my sugar daddy going to walk me home?"

Chandler let out an exasperated sigh as he exited the apartment, leaving Rachel alone at the table to continue working on her crossword puzzle.

A few minutes later, Joey and Kathy entered. The two of them looked lost in conversation as they giggled and peeled off their coats. Joey gave Kathy a quick kiss on the cheek and then made his way over to his bedroom, only taking the time for a quick "hello" to Rachel before disappearing from the room.

"Oh, hi Rachel." Kathy sat down and smiled nervously. She immediately began to bite her nails as she eyed Rachel anxiously.

Rachel looked up at Kathy and offered a smile, but soon after, she felt as if the tension in the room was becoming so thick, it might choke them both while they waited for someone to break the silence.

"What? Is there something in my hair?"

Kathy dropped her hand from her mouth, slightly caught off guard by Rachel's bluntness. "What? No. No. You look fine. Great."

"Is everything okay with Joey?"

"Oh yeah. Everything is great!"

Rachel eyed her suspiciously. Thrown off by her nervous fidgeting. "Okay. If you say so."

Kathy slumped her shoulders, almost resigned to defeat in her attempt to keep Monica and Chandler's relationship to herself. "I'm just having trouble keeping this secret. Especially when I am over here, around Joey's friends."

"Ooo. You have a secret? I love secrets." Rachel put her book down and then rubbed her hands together with devilish anticipation. "Is it about Joey?"

"No. I mean, I can't say." Kathy looked off to the side like she was trying to avoid making eye contact with Rachel for fear it would compel her to spill out everything she knew right there at the breakfast table.

"Is it about you?"

"No. I can't say. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone."

Rachel, exasperated, frustratingly threw her hand up in the air. "Well, who is it about?"

"I can't tell you."

Rachel let out a huff and picked her book back up. Glaring impatiently.

Kathy could not help but let out a laugh. "Okay. I did promise not to tell anyone. But what if you found out on your own? Then it wouldn't be like I told you. You just figured it out. Then i would have someone to talk to about it."

"Yeah, I guess so. Sure." The two women sat in silence for a few moments. Both waiting for the other to say something. Finally, Rachel relented and leaned forward. "Okay, well, can you at least give me a hint?"

"All right. Sure. Let's just say, it could have something to do with a nightly rendezvous…."

Before Kathy could finish, Rachel shot up and shouted. "Rendezvous! That's the word I needed for thirteen across!" She started to scribble in her book as Kathy watched her with a slightly confused look on her face.

Rachel, realizing she went off topic, smiled sheepishly back at Kathy. "I'm sorry. You were saying?"

"Yes. Okay. Well, it's kind of like an affair…"

Rachel shot back up as she waved her pencil excitedly in her hand, cutting Kathy off once again. "An Affair! That's it. Eight letters; 'blank to Remember'. I can't believe I didn't get that one. I love Clark Gable."

Kathy felt the instinct to correct Rachel. "Cary Grant."

"Oh, is that who the secret is about?"

Kathy shook her head and started to get up from her chair.

Rachel reached out to compel her to stay. "No. I'm so sorry. You have my undivided attention now."

"Really?"

"Yes. I swear."

Kathy let out a sarcastic smirk. "Okay, as long as you gave me your solemn oath that you won't interrupt me again."

"Ooo! Oath!"

Monica leaned in slightly towards Chandler as they sat alone together on the couch at Central Perk. He let his arm stretch across the back behind her, allowing his hand to brush against Monica's hair. His fingers played in circles as he found the back of her neck and tickled her with a light touch. Monica placed her hand on his leg and let her fingers dance up his thigh as they spoke, giving him gentle squeezes. The two of them sharing a knowing smile as they allowed the space between them to grow smaller with each touch.

These small, intimate moments of physical contact were not uncommon between them, even before they started secretly dating. A hand on the knee, an arm around the shoulder. It had become pretty common for them over their near decade of friendship. None of their friends would have given a second glance to these public displays of affection. But now they had a deeper meaning. They were no longer platonic touches between two friends. These glances of skin on skin now sent tiny electric sparks throughout their bodies. Akin to foreplay. It only served to heighten the sexual chemistry between them. A secret dance between the two of them, like a graceful ballerina; one foot speaks, the other answers.

Fearful they might fall victim to their carnal desires, Monica tried to come up with something to talk about. "So, I used the money to buy some more equipment. If I am going to do this, I need to do it right. So you might have to wait until after my next job for me to pay you back."

Chandler allowed a smile to spread across his lips as he glanced down at her hand which was comfortably resting on his thigh. "You do not have to pay me back."

"Chandler."

"No, really. Think of it as my investment."

"In what? I don't have a company."

"In you."

Monica tilted her head down a smiled. "Well, that's sweet, but I think everyone else will start to get a little suspicious. Your boyfriend gives you five-hundred dollars to start a business. Your friend only lends it to you."

"All right. I guess if that's how you want to play it."

"It is. Oh, you know what else, you should maybe say something in front of everyone else. You know, like really sell it that you want your money back. Just to throw everyone off the scent."

Chandler raised a pair of bemused eyebrows at her. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Because I was kind of hoping this whole giving you money to start your own business would lead to, maybe some sex."

"So, in this fantasy, you think I am going to have sex with you for five-hundred dollars? Even though we already have sex."

"Yeah...I probably didn't think this one through."

"I'll say." Monica chuckled as she leaned forward to grab her tea. She glanced behind her and saw Ross and Phoebe walk in the door. She then elbowed Chandler, flashing him a knowing look and a nod. Telling him without any words that now would be a good time for him to ask for his money back.

"Hey guys!" Phoebe sat down in the chair next to the couch as she took her coat off. "Chandler, did Monica tell you how much she was able to make thanks to you. That was really a nice thing to do."

Monica nodded and tapped Chandler on the leg. "Yeah, even Phoebe told me to thank you."

Chandler leaned back and folded his arms as he mocked indignation at what he was hearing. "Wow. So, everyone is getting paid out of this thing but me?"

Monica narrowed her eyes, unprepared for how he was going to play this. "What?"

"Look sugar lips, you better have my money by the end of the week, or it's curtains."

Monica couldn't help but let out a laugh at his poor attempt to sound intimidating. "Did you wake up in a 1950s detective movie?"

"Huh?"

Phoebe sat back and nodded as she looked at Chandler with what seemed like new eyes. As if she were observing some new, hidden side of him that turned her on.

Ross walked over to the back of the couch and stared at Chandler and Monica. "What's going on?"

Monica gestured with her thumb at Chandler. "Mugsy over here is asking for his money back."

Ross looked down at Chandler, slightly annoyed. "Chandler. I thought you wanted to help. Haven't you ever invested in a business before? You have to let that seed grow."

Chandler tried his best to look unimpressed. "A five-hundred dollar seed should grow a little faster."

"I can't believe you."

Rachel and Joey entered, both of them walking over to the rest of the gang. They slowed down when they felt tension brewing.

Joey began to slide his jacket off as he made his way over to the high-top chairs. "What's going on?"

Ross turned to look at Joey. "Chandler is being a total jerk to Monica about the money he lent her."

Rachel gave Chandler a slap on the shoulder. "Chandler!'

Chandler rubbed his shoulder and glared at Monica. "Ow."

Joey sat back and shook his head disappointedly. "Chandler. This is Monica. How can you give her a hard time like that?"

Rachel stepped around and sat next to Monica, wrapping her arms around her as if she were protecting her from Chandler. "I can't believe you would make her feel bad about this. She already feels terrible. I mean, how would you feel if you were out of work, homeless, no boyfriend, no clue when you were ever going to get married…."

Monica began to chafe under Rachel's attempt to be helpful. "Uh, Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"I think he gets the picture."

Monica turned back. "You know what else? He said I had to make him waffles every morning until I paid him back!"

Phoebe ran her finger under her lip. "Money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler Bing I can get behind."

Monica narrowed her eyes and glared at Phoebe. Trying her hardest not to let how amused by all of this was show through.

"Well, Mon, if you think about it, Chandler is kind of our boss now."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Ross shook his head. "You know, after I go and tell you what a nice thing you did for my sister." Ross then gestured over at Joey. "You never ask this guy for your money back!'

Joey's eyes went wide as he leaned back in his chair. "What? Ross! This isn't about me, okay. Lets stay on the topic of your freeloading sister!"

"What?" Monica shot back at Joey with a glare.

Chandler couldn't help but chuckle, pleased she was finally getting a taste of her own medicine.

Ross turned to face Joey and shook his head. "Hey! My sister is going through a rough patch here. She might never get married!"

Monica threw her hands up in the air. "Why does everyone keep saying that!"

Phoebe smiled salaciously at Chandler. She spoke softly, emphasizing every word with sensual flair. "You know, we have to treat our big boss sugar daddy right Monica."

"Phoebe!" Rachel huffed loudly and then leaned forward to confront Phoebe.

Chandler and Monica sat back as their friends broke into bickering pairs. He leaned over to her and whispered. "You want to try to get out of here?"

Monica nodded. The two of them slowly rose from their seats, dodging their squabbling friends and made their way towards the door, grabbing their coats from the rack. Chandler looked back once more at the others.

"I can't believe you thought this was a good idea."

"Hey, at least none of them think we're sleeping together."

"That would be scandalous. Imagine you, sleeping with the boss."

Monica shook her head and rolled her eyes as she placed her palms on his back, pushing him out the door.