Chapter 7

content warning: a brief description of vomiting towards the end. nothing graphic, but just in case.

also. sorry for the year+ hiatus ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Saturn continues to take me on trips every few days. Always just in time for me to finish yet another good chunk of a geology book. Sooner or later, I might have to move to a different subject.

For the longest time, he would refuse to put any hands on me more than necessary. Even though he would hold me in his sleep, during the day, he reinforced a distance of sorts. Alakazam had figured out how to go about teleporting me to avoid my vertigo, so there wasn't a chance I'd receive anymore grounding hugs.

A shame.

However, I am nothing if not persistent, and eventually, my patience is rewarded.

I'm unsure of what it is about this trip in particular, but Staurn is very touchy. My arms. Shoulders. Hair. He's always touching some part of me, and it's taking every bit of restraint I have to not show how much it's affecting me.

The outing he takes me on today brings us to Jubilife City, and it's an unusually warm early winter day. Piles of snow linger in the shadows, but the streets are clear, and I would wager it's around 6C. From the limited size of the snow piles, and based on our other outings, I can infer it's been an unseasonably warm winter so far.

Saturn brings us to a bench, where we sit and watch the people mill around us, Alakazam continuing to keep us from anyone's sight. Despite the size of the bench, Saturn sits flush against my side with an arm draped behind me. His posture is relaxed, with a small smile on his lips.

I like seeing him relaxed.

In front of us, a person crosses the street, getting a small chuckle from Saturn. "Why do you think crime happens?" he asks, keeping an eye on the jaywalker.

I'm quick with a counter, seeing as it's quite the loaded question. "How are we defining crime?" I ask.

He looks down at me, grinning. "Elaborate for me," he says.

He's making this almost too easy. "Well, are we speaking objectively? Things like murder, assault, rape -crimes comitted for the sole purpose of being vile? Or are we talking about crimes that are only crimes because of an arbitrary law? Like the guy who just jaywalked, or something as stupid as loitering in a clearly public space?" I clarify.

He reaches up to move my hair away from my face. I fight to not lean too much into his touch. "So you do pay attention now and then," he teases.

"Every once in a while," I say casually, reminding myself that at the end of the day, this is all just an elaborate game of cat and mouse. Play it cool. Don't run him off. Give him just enough to stay interested in the chase.

Don't let the cat know his mouse is actually eager to jump into his waiting maw.

"I suppose I'll ask about both. What causes someone to do something heinous, and what causes someone to act out in a way that intentionally breaks a law?" he asks.

"Some people are just vile to the core," I answer. His father is certainly a prime example of that.

He nods, seeming to be more distracted by playing with my hair. It's started to get noticeably long. I think he's enjoying it more.

"I agree," he says. "There are certainly people who only want to watch the world burn, but for everyone else?"

I look at him. "I assume you're going to tell me," I say.

His hand leaves my hair, a shake of his head. "I want to hear your thoughts. Clearly, you've been paying attention to me.

In more ways than one.

Focus.

I can only hope I can properly get my point across. It's one of those things that feels easy to explain in my head, but not aloud. "I guess...in the case of -I'll go with murder- that isn't in self-defense, something clearly went wrong in that person's life. Something that wasn't in their control, and sure, maybe down the line they had more control, but there had to have been something that led them there in the first place. I sincerely doubt most people just up and decide to murder. Something went wrong, was left unchecked for any number of reasons or barriers, and…" I shrug. I don't know that I have the words necessary to convey what I mean.

Plus, there's always the nuance of mental health problems, which is something I certainly do not have any expertise in to have any sort of educated opinion on.

"What about something like theft?" he follows up.

I begin to answer, but hesitate when I notice someone walking directly for us, my heart picking up in my chest.

Alakazam turns to the person, a flash of his eyes, and the person swerves away from the bench at the last second. All the while, Saturn's eyes never leave me.

"I...need a more narrow definition," I say, returning my attention to Saturn. "I would have far more sympathy for a person who is stealing something essential to survival, than I would for someone who is...I don't know. Stealing a car or stealing money from their employees by underpaying them."

He laughs lightly, resuming playing with my hair. "You've been spending too much time with me," he teases.

I roll my eyes and push against him. "Because I have so much choice in the matter." I probably should have sounded far more bitter about it. Instead, it just came out as an objective fact. No anger or remorse. Just pure acceptance.

He hums. "What if our hypothetical person stole that car to pay for an expensive medical treatment?" he asks.

At that, I nod. It's certainly not something common here in Sinnoh, where medical care is a right, but I do know that in regions like Unova and Alola, it isn't. Sure, while things could always stand to be more affordable here, over there, even a minor medical issue might as well be a death sentence.

"I would have far more sympathy then, but I mean, I've clearly never been in that sort of position, so I don't know that it's even okay for me to pass judgement." I shrug again, pushing against him. "Really, at the end of the day, I know one of your core beliefs is that corporations are the devil."

He laughs again, moving his arm completely over my shoulder.

It may be cool outside, but I'm burning next to him.

"What about you?" he asks. "What do you believe?"

Distracted by his arms around me, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts. I want to phrase this as best I can; to let him know I'm on his side in this matter. Unfortunately, I know I'm missing all sorts of context and history, making it that much harder to fully articulate my point.

Speeches never were my strong point.

"Like I've been saying, I think something went wrong in our society. Greed took a hold of everything, and it just kept getting reinforced to the point where change just...feels impossible. Just as any kind of progress starts to get made, it's just as quickly pulled out from under our feet, making people lose hope. People get convinced to fight each other, rather than fight the oppressors because it's easier."

He nods. "One step forward, two steps back," he says.

I hum in response, not entirely satisfied with the analogy. "I think...I think it's more like, 'Meet me in the middle' demands the unjust man. You take one step forward in good faith, while he takes one back in bad faith. The unjust man again demands, 'meet me in the middle. You're not meeting me in the middle'. You take another step, and the cycle continues until where you're standing is where the unjust man was originally standing. The middle is no longer the middle...and it hasn't been the middle in a long time."

I might have even surprised myself with that one.

He nods in agreement, but has no response one way or the other beyond it.

We sit in silence for a long time after that, Alakazam continuing to mitigate the people around us. Now and then I catch bits and pieces of people's conversations, and the adverts on the large billboards continue in an endless cycle, but none of it is really of any use to me. It's a wednesday. The local sports teams all still suck.

The most interesting bit I get is when I overhear something about the champion not being seen in public for over three months now.

I haven't thought about Cynthia in a long time.

Which is interesting, because I decidedly had a stint for a while where I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had been surrounded by pretty women all my life thanks to the contest circuit, but she...she awoke something in me without even meaning to.

Something about remembering how drop-dead gorgeous I found her while sitting next to Saturn is making me feel...guilty.

Beside me, Saturn moves as though he's about to say something, but a small buzz from the wrist around me snags his attention. As he tilts the device towards himself to read, I avert my eyes. He's never told me I have to, but it's not a conversation I feel like risking.

He grumbles. "Pushy man," he says.

An order of some kind from Cyrus.

I can feel my heart sinking in my chest, knowing that means our outing is coming to an end.

Withdrawing from my side, Saturn stands, offering his hand out to me. "I had hoped I would have more time for you today, but it seems my luck has run out," he says.

I take his hand, standing close when he pulls me to my feet. "Today was nice," I tell him. My heart flutters when he smiles at me.

Without warning, Alakazam brings us back to the room. The change in temperature almost feels enough to burn me.

"I have a different outing in mind for next time, so I want you to take it easy for the rest of the day. If I can get this under control, I'll be back before you know it," he says, squeezing my hand.

Alakazam takes him away before I even have the chance to form a response.

I should have looked at his watch to see what the message was. I hate being so in the dark about what he's up to. I hate not knowing where he's at, or if he's even safe. I hate not knowing if he's going to come home to me or not.

Home…?

Oh no.

A week drags by before it's time for my next outing.

I had been told to dress comfortably, but before I could even make a sarcastic comment about how much of a selection my wardrobe offered, Saturn was gone, his mood all morning unreadable.

When he returns around noon, he has Admin with him. As always, their Abra peeks their head over their shoulder like a little backpack. They're dressed more casually. A grey sweatshirt with a small Galarian Slowbro print and black jeans. Hard to match much of anything with the seafoam hair, I suppose.

"You'll be going with Admin today," Saturn tells me.

It would be my first time being alone with Admin since they were the one who only brought me food back in the holding cell. I have to suppress the shudder I feel crawling up my back. Knowing Admin is solely on Saturn's side, they won't hurt me. I know this.

"Are you coming with us?" I ask.

He shakes his head, glancing at Admin, something of an inside joke clearly being shared between them in the moment. "Knowing my inability to not run my mouth, I'd probably end up saying too much," he says, getting a small chuckle from them.

Admin shrugs. "Besides, it's far more personal for me, and I can always use an excuse to get away from Jupiter for a day," they add.

"Have fun, you two," Saturn says before Abra teleports us away.

Abra isn't nearly as skilled at keeping my vertigo at bay. I involuntarily stumble, trying to catch my balance that isn't even lost. My stomach twists and churns, but Admin is there, reaching out to give me a supportive hand.

"Let me know when you're ready," they tell me, soothing circles on my back.

Thankfully, it's quick to abate. No longer am I at risk for losing my lunch, and so long as there's enough time between our next teleport, I should be fine.

As my mind begins to settle, the sounds and senses around me start to come into focus. A loud, excited chatter. Names and numbers being called over an intercom. The sounds of pokemon practicing their moves. A cleaning chemical with a smell I only ever associate with one place: a contest hall.

Looking around us, I quickly realize we're not in just any contest hall, either. We're in the main Hearthome City Contest Hall. It's been a long time since I was last here, but the sheer size of the lobby is a dead-giveaway.

"Allow me to welcome you back into your domain," Admin says, the smallest of smiles on their face.

Pushing through the last bit of my nausea, I can't help but smile. All the other outings have been nice, but this one...this can't be beat. I've spent so much of my life in and around contest halls, it almost feels like coming home. Anymore excited and I just might start crying.

"Do you know who is competing today?" I ask as they gently push me along.

What their Abra lacks in managing my vertigo, he more than makes up for in his psychic abilities otherwise. Despite the crowded hall, not a single person pays us any mind; and surely of all places, my presence -or sudden reappearance of- would be noticed.

At first, Admin merely shrugs. "A bunch of nobodies, really." When they side-eye me, however, I just know they're going to say a name that will upset me. "Winston Vanderbilt, for example-"

The name alone is enough to make me nauseous all over again. "Ugh, Arceus, not that guy," I interrupt.

An old family feud of sorts that I fell victim to. Though, to my own credit, I had tried to break the cycle. It all had always seemed stupid and pointless. Arguing for the sake of relatives who were long dead to the point of not even being relatives, but ancestors. No matter how nice I was to Winston over the years, the dumb man was always ready to put me down. Just the sight of his stupid blond head or that snobby Skuntank of his would be enough to make me see red.

I shove Admin in a joking way. "If you were bringing me here to torture me, mission accomplished," I add.

To my absolute surprise, Admin laughs. Genuinely laughs. There's even a small psychic ripple from Abra that feels like a laugh.

Admin leans closer. "Can I tell you a secret?" they ask as we slip past the guards to the backstage areas.

As if I can't already see exactly where this is going, Mx. 'You learn a lot of unfortunate things by training psychic pokemon exclusively'. "If you tell me he's interested in me in any way-"

"He wants to fuck you so bad- it's all he thinks about!" they say with a laugh.

I make a fake gagging sound, not even willing to entertain that scenario for even a second. I'd sooner go completely celebate for the rest of my life than think about touching him. "No- ew! I said mission accomplished!"

Hand to their mouth, Admin does their best to smother their amusement.

It's definitely the most animated I've ever seen them. Maybe we both missed the contest hall. And even though it's all at my expense, I can't help but enjoy it. I'll put up with it for now if it gives them a chance to put down whatever wall they've been keeping up around me for so long.

The backstage is far more quiet than the main hall. Hushed whispers and an electric hum from all the various cameras and stage equipment is all that surrounds us.

Admin clears their throat. "Forgive me. I saw his name when I glanced at the contestant list for the day, and couldn't resist," they say, unintentionally giving me the perfect in.

I nudge them, keeping at their side. "I'll forgive you if you tell me why Saturn wouldn't come with us. Beyond being busy with commander stuff," I add.

They shrug. "Like he said, if he came with us, he would very likely have said far too much for his own good," they answer.

"But what does that mean?" I ask.

They look at me for a long second. "You don't have that figured out?" they ask.

I give them a questioning look. "No?"

They hum. "At this point I guess I should just call it stupidity rather than restraint. After all, it's why Cyrus hates him. He's always considered Saturn to be weak when it comes to his emotions," they answer, though, it's more of a train of thought non-answer.

I'll have to circle back later, because now I have a new question I need to ask. "You know...if Cyrus hates him so much, how is he second in command?" I ask.

Admin comes to a halt in the hallway, and I nearly bump into them. The look they give me is so utterly exhausted. A lifetime of frustration behind their grey eyes. "Dawn...you will do yourself a lot of favors if you don't try to understand their weird-ass family dynamics. I had to stop trying a long time ago. It's just…." They sigh. "Dawn, I need you to understand that, at any given moment, it's at least 8 layers of fucked up. Leave it at that, and you'll spare yourself plenty of headaches."

I had already inferred that much, but it was nice to have some outside validation.

We continue up a flight of stairs, and come upon a viewing area. Admin comes to a stop, their hands lingering on the railing.

Both our eyes are immediately drawn down to the field, where a man named Aiden and his Wigglytuff, Bruiser, have just been introduced. For a few appeals, we merely stand there, watching. Nothing more than a hum of interest here and there.

All the while, something tugs at the back of my mind. Something I'm forgetting. Something I know will upset me once I remember it; but I have to work through the feeling. I want to stay in this moment as long as I can.

Leaning further over the railing, Admin finally speaks. "You and I have competed against each other before," they tell me.

I look at them. They're much closer than I was expecting. I realize it might be the first time I've really had a chance to study them up close. "We have?" I ask.

They nod, not taking their eyes off the field. "Plenty of times. We only battled twice, but we've been in many contests together." They finally look back at me. "Battle rounds were always my weakest area."

Whereas they were my strongest area, both in terms of sheer strength as well as my ability to combine power with beauty.

For the life of me, however, I can't think of ever competing against them. With their face so close, I wish I could remember. But nothing about the sharp features of their face brings up memories of anyone from my past.

"The Association wouldn't use the correct pronoun, would they?" I ask.

They shake their head, returning their attention to the crowd below us. The Blastoise's spray causes a small rainbow effect, and the crowd eats up the appeal. Of everyone we have seen so far, my bets are on them.

"They refused to use a singular they for me. They insisted on using my assigned pronouns, and would only call me by a name that wasn't mine. Wouldn't even give me the decency of using the name I picked before Admin."

I catch myself about to ask what the name was, to better help place who they are, but I just as quickly realize that it's not a good idea. Like Saturn's given name, I have no use for it.

A sigh escapes me, instead. "You're not the only person who I've heard that from," I tell them. Unfortunately, it's a story I've heard all too often.

Even when a person was able to get their trainer and contest licenses updated to reflect the correct name and gender, the association had too many announcers who would conveniently "forget" and would announce the wrong name over the loudspeakers.

It always upset me, and so I can't even imagine what it must have felt like for the person in the moment.

I should have been better to my competitors and stood up for them. Being a Berlitz, I had a prominent platform. A platform I clearly failed to ever use properly.

"And isn't it sad? An organization that prides itself on inclusivity won't even do something as simple as use a singular they, or a different name. Childhood nicknames are treated with more respect than name changes," they continue.

I'm unsure of what to say in response that would actually be assuring. Anything I come up with just sounds patronizing, or self-serving. "It's pathetic," I say, figuring it's all I really can.

"We give them countless hours of work, and they won't even give us the most basic decency," they say, an edge to their voice, and their knuckles pale on the railing. Understandably, it's a sore subject for them.

I want to reach out to them, but I'm unsure if it's the right thing to do, or if it would even be welcomed. Just because they've laughed around me a few times today doesn't mean we're suddenly best buddies. "You deserved better than that," I say.

Abra hums what sounds like an agreement, and just like that, Admin's shoulders relax. "While appreciated, I don't need your validation," they say.

I won't begrudge them that.

The judges have launched into their ratings by the time Admin pushes themself off the railing. "I've got more to show you," they say.

We continue to work our way through the back areas of the contest hall, never really stopping anywhere in particular. Instead, Admin is content to simply tell me about how they've dug through financial records of the association, finding further proof of how they'll say one thing in public, but do the complete opposite in private.

The association that prides itself on diversity and inclusivity is the number one donor to biggoted elected officials.

By the end of our outing, I'm not only disgusted with the association, but also with myself. I've given them so many hours, I might as well have contributed to the causes that have hurt and put down those around me.

The afternoon contest has ended by the time we make it back to the main hall. Despite knowing the dark underbelly of the contest association, the buzz from the arena leaves me with an emotional charge I had nearly forgotten about. I'm not even competing and there's a noticeable rush of energy under my skin.

Now is as good of a time as any. "You know, you never answered my first question. About Saturn," I point out, turning my attention away from one of the screens showing highlights from the morning.

Admin hums. "Let's see...you've been doing contests since you were what...13 or 14?" they ask.

I nod. "14." Professionally, anyway. I had been practicing for years with my mom beforehand, and my first few contests were with her pokemon.

My mom…

Oh.

That's who I was forgetting all afternoon.

My own mother.

My own fucking mother.

"And how long has Saturn said he's kept an eye on you?" Admin follows up, dragging me away from my inevitable spiral. "At least...Since I beat Mars at the Valley Windworks," I answer, almost mechanically.

The grin, a jerk of their shoulders telling me they're holding back a laugh. "What a liar," they say.

When I give them a confused look, they're quick to amend themself. "Okay, okay, sure, Commander Saturn has kept an eye on you since then. Saturn has had his eyes on you for much longer."

"I'm not following," I tell them.

They lean in close, a devilish grin on their face. "You should ask him sometime about the Sandgem Conference from when he and I were 16. I'm sure he'll love to tell you all about it."

Something about it makes my heart flutter.

The guttural roar of a pokemon distracts the both of us, drawing our attention away.

Bounding towards us is a Luxray. It stops just short of us, looking around, frantic, nose in the air. Any other time, I would have simply thought it was just a wayward pokemon. One that wandered off from its trainer and got overwhelmed. It happens in larger contest halls all the time.

It's the voice that calls after the pokemon that makes me realize: I know this Luxray. I've known this Luxray since she was a Shinx, which means I know who this Luxray belongs to. She belongs to-

"Freya! Get back here!"

Looking just over the pokemon's head: Lucas.

Lucas.

My friend.

Lucas- he's-

Admin instantly has a thunder grip on my arm. "We have to go."

I pull away without a second thought. "Lucas." My voice is weak. I can't breathe. It's been so long-

He looks worn out as he catches up to his pokemon. Dark circles under his eyes. His whole posture is slouched. His hair is getting long. His suit looks barely put together. He does not want to be here. Why is he here?

"Freya, what's gotten into you?" he asks his pokemon.

She begins pawing at the ground, looking around in our direction, a low rumble of a growl.

Can...Can she see us?

My whole body starts to shake.

He puts his hand on his pokemon's back. "Freya, please. You did this to me back in Jubilife- what? What do you smell?"

So that's something neither Abra nor Alakazam seem to be able to hide. Scent.

Just as I dare to step forward, Admin jerks me back once more. "Dawn, leave him." An edge to their voice I'd never heard before, and if I wasn't so worked up, I might have been scared.

"Lucas," I say, tears falling on their own accord.

My friend. I haven't seen him in so long. Is he worried about me? Is that why he looks so exhausted? He said Jubilife- was he there last week as well? Did I miss him? Did I miss Freya finding my smell-

It's when Lucas looks up, right at me -right through me- that I find myself struggling to stand. He's right there. If Admin would just let go, I could run to him. Run straight into his arms where he could hold me. Where I could let him know I'm safe. Where he could tell Barry I'm safe. He could tell my mom that I'm safe. He could-

Luxray steps away from Lucas, right towards me. Just as her nose is ready to touch me, Admin orders Abra to get rid of her.

In a quick psychic blast, Freya is sent flying with a scream into the opposing wall.

"No-!"

And we're gone.

I fall to the ground right as we return back to the room. To my holding cage. My stupid, upgraded holding cage.

Between the nausea and pain in my chest, I don't hold back a scream.

In an instant, Saturn is down on the ground with me, trying to put a hand on my back.

I swat him away, feeling my nails dig into his bare arm, as I tumble over onto my side. "Get away from me!"

He backs off, but looks up at Admin. "What happened?" he asks in a snarl.

I'm going to puke.

I'm absolutely going to puke. Too many emotions. Too much vertigo. My mouth feels like it's swirling with spit. I have to get off the floor. I won't lie down in my vomit.

Whatever sound I make as I try to haul myself up forces Saturn to grab me and drag me roughly to the bathroom, depositing me down in front of the toilet barely in time.

If there is one feeling on this planet I hate, it's the feeling of throwing up. The burn. The smell. The way every muscle in my throat hurts during and after. The sounds. Vile. Absolutely vile.

Somewhere in the midst of it all, I manage to keep crying.

The toilet flushes.

I'm too disoriented to tell if Saturn did it, or I did it without thinking.

At least the smell is gone.

"Tell me what happened!" Saturn demands from the doorway.

"He wasn't supposed to be there! I triple checked the schedules! He wasn't on the list all week! He must have shown up to do a walk-in appeal."

Saturn doesn't ask for clarification on whoever he is. He likely understands.

Taking me to a contest hall was a huge risk, after all.

"Get out of my sight," Saturn says.

I can't check to see if they leave. My stomach convulses again, and this time it's nothing but stomach acid. The edges of my vision begin to blur as I cough my way through more purging.

Saturn is down next to me, pulling my hair back from my face. "Calypso is busy. I'm sorry," is all he offers me.

He holds my hair. Rubs my back.

I nearly pass out against the toilet in what surely is the most humiliating sight.

"Stay with me," Saturn urges.

The vertigo finally falls away, and I let go of my death grip on the toilet's rim, falling back against Saturn. Leaned against the shower, he pulls me into his chest, and together we just sit on the cold tile floor. Miserable.

"I'm sorry."

I should tell him to bite my ass. I should fight back some more. I should go back to demanding my freedom, and fighting him at every turn.

Instead, I believe him.

Like some kind of brainwashed fool, I believe him. I believe he's actually sorry. I fill in the gaps and tell myself that he genuinely is sorry for putting me through this. That whatever I'm actually here for has to be worth this.

He finally pushes against me, forcing me to sit on my own. He disappears for only a moment, returning with a clean glass, filling it up with water from the sink. "Rinse," he directs, offering me the glass.

After spitting out the water into the toilet, he's handing me the glass again, this time with a bit of blue mouthwash in it.

It burns.

When I'm done, he kneels down to pick me up. I'm too weak to fight it. With a grunt, he has me up in a bridal carry.

The sheets have been changed since this morning. A softer t-shirt texture sheet. It's far warmer than the other ones he had been swapping through.

He eases me down into the bed, avoiding eye contact. Guilty.

He should be.

I'm too tired to get myself adjusted under the covers. I'll sleep above them for all I care.

Saturn seems to care, at least, trying his hardest to help me.

"Sleep. I'll try to get some food in you later, but for now, sleep. Today was too much."

A direction I have little trouble following.

I'm out before he even has a chance to dim the lighting.

When I wake up, I have a strong case of cottonmouth, and my head is pounding.

No sooner is Alakazam in the room, a tray of miso and rice with him. He sets it on the table for me, and dips his head in what seems like an apology.

I can't bring myself to look at him, only thank him and stare down at the floor. On the bedside table is a glass of water and a bottle of some generic pain reliever. I down two tablets and the entire glass before moving over to my meal.

Late lunch. Early dinner. I'm not sure.

As I eat, the events of the day play on a nonstop loop in my mind.

Lucas…

I have a lot to think about.

Wherever Saturn sleeps tonight, it's not with me.

By the time I manage to fall asleep again, he's still not back. When I wake up, the room is just as empty…

AN:

howdy! good to be back, folks. sorry for such a delay. this chapter went through FOUR versions, and this was the one i finally settled on. plus, the ongoing pandemic has absolutely burned me out in many ways, so it's been a real struggle to get any writing done.
no clue about the time table of my next chapter, but feel free to follow me on twitter or tumblr (both klw531). on wednesdays i share wips to try and keep up motivation~

-Kellyn