Co-Written with Scribes1015!
Angel had only managed to sleep as long as the medication allowed him to but it was a nice break from the endless heartbreak of consciousness. Hell, even when he first woke up he almost forgot she was here and only felt his previous misery until it did finally come crashing back into him.
Staring up at the ceiling, he went over and over what he should say to her, what he wanted to say, played out a million scenarios over again he'd had before, plus about a million more new ones he could put together. No matter how many times he practiced it though nothing ever seemed to come out right, nothing screamed "and this will somehow make a damn thing better."
The current state of him and Lindsey's friendship was nothing short of a miracle and he was pretty sure there wasn't another hiding out for him to find when it came to Buffy.
OoOoO
Buffy was doing her best to keep the noise level down as she tip toed back out into the main areas of the apartment after waking up. Lindsey refused to take up on Angel's offer to have him sleep in the other bed but given his injuries and all Lindsey wasn't having it so instead he was passed out on the couch, snoring up a storm. Not ready to deal with him again, and certainly not Angel, she had stayed in bed as long as she could until her bladder wouldn't let her any longer. After sneaking off to the bathroom she dared a quick pass at the kitchen to grab something small to snack on and a drink but that would be a decision she would very soon regret.
She could feel his eyes on her just before she turned around, nearly dropping the bowl of random fruits she'd grabbed in the process, her heart jumping into her throat as soon as her eyes met his. She was just getting her bearings as he made his way from the doorframe of his room closer to her but at least it was something to hold on to she supposed.
"Can we talk?" he asked softly.
Buffy's jaw clenched, eyes darting to anywhere but him. "And why should we do that exactly? Because I can't think of a single damn reason why we should," she finally answered.
"Buffy-"
Buffy shook her head. It was too early for this bullshit. Too early for her to be awake in the first place, way too early to be starting some giant fight with this damn man, to have to deal with any emotions he invoked. "We really do not have to do this, Angel. As far as I'm concerned we can just go about our own lives without needing to speak to one another ever again."
Silently he held her angry gaze, "You don't mean that," he finally said, the realization of what a terrible idea this was striking him all over again.
Taking a step closer, she sat the bowl she was holding onto the counter, "Don't I though," her voice began to raise. "I mean isn't that what you planned on doing, or was Lindsey just making all that up?"
"Ya," she huffed at his silence, "I didn't think so. But it's fine, I mean why would I expect any different, it seems like when it comes to anything having to do with me all you know how to do is run away. We kissed once," she hissed, "And you fucking disappeared for years, then at the beach house," she shook her head, no longer caring that the long overdue tears had begun to land on her cheeks. "You just left," she finally managed, "I get that it was a shitty situation, but it was you who kept pushing to tell him in the first damn place. Do you really think his reaction would have been much better if he found out some other way?"
He let out a breath, "Ya, I do. I think if he found out any other way it would have been better than what he walked in on."
"It doesn't matter," she argued wiping her eyes, "You had just told me that you loved me, that I was your priority, not Lindsey. I mean is there something I should know about, are you sleeping with him too," she half laughed, and a sob escaped, "Because at this point it would all make a hell of a lot more sense."
"Don't be ridiculous." His eyes glanced to where Lindsey was on the sofa, he really hoped he was somehow managing to sleep through this. "Leaving you that night at the beach house is something I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. I screwed up, I know that, and you're right," he sighed, "I made it all worse by taking off when I made it back to Sunnydale… but you're going about this all wrong. I've never wanted to be away from you," his voice cracked, "I thought it would hurt you more if I was around."
A laugh escaped her, "And how exactly would you being around hurt me more Angel, do you have any idea what I've gone through…" taking a deep breath, she shook her head again, "It doesn't matter," she finally resolved leaving her snack behind, "None of it does," she added softly pushing her way passed him, shoving his arm away when he reached for her in the process.
OoOoO
Well this definitely wasn't the wake up call he looked forward to, but he supposed given the circumstances it could have been a hell of a lot worse. He'd laid there motionless, forcing himself to bite his damn tongue more than once during their little intersection. He was trying to listen, to be the brother Buffy needed him to be, he didn't want to be mixed up in their shit anymore than she wanted him to be, but he wasn't sure how the fuck he was supposed to just sit by and watch the two of them break each other's damn heart over and over again either.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he quickly weighed which of the two of them might be the easiest to talk too right. After grumbling to himself for a minute, he finally let out a long sigh, making his way toward his own bedroom. However he barely even finished before she was telling him to leave her the hell alone, along with a few other threats. Not wanting to cause anymore ripples on their already shaky ground, he left her be... for the time being anyway.
OoOoO
Lindsey cleared his throat from inside Angel's doorway,"Well. She seems pissed," he deadpanned.
Snapping the box in his hand closed, Angel sighed, "Gee, what gave you that idea."
Lindsey squinted as his eyes adjusted to the dark room. From what he could tell he looked worse off today than he had been in the damn hospital. "You gonna try and talk to her?"
"You get the impression that she wanted to talk to me," he threw back. Momentarily forgetting about his injuries, he stood up from the edge of the bed, instantly regretting his decision, and quickly sitting back down. The pain wasn't as bad as it had been when he first got to leave the hospital, but he still hadn't been able to make it through an entire day without taking any meds, and that was saying a lot being that his pain tolerance was higher than most.
"So what," Angel shook his head as Lindsey began again, sometimes the two of them sounded way too much alike. "You're just planning on leaving things like that?"
"I don't want to, but I'm kind of in a rough spot here in case you haven't noticed."
"Man you know as well as I do, that she is back there behind that door bawling her fucking eyes out. She's pissed, and everything in there was probably only the tip of what's coming your way, but I'm not worried about what will happen if you go in there tryin' to comfort her, I'm worried about what will happen if you don't."
Not for the first time in the last twenty-four hours he really wished this positive, level headed version of his best friend had made an appearance earlier. "When did you get so sentimental?"
Lindsey's shoulders shrugged, "Oh you know," he smirked, "Right after you started sleeping with my baby sister."
OoOoO
Her fingers tangled in the strings from one of the decorative pillows on Lindsey's bed. Which now that she thought about was sure had come from Mia, because there was absolutely no way her brother would ever think to buy a pillow for show. She was proud of herself, it had only taken her a few minutes to pull herself back together once she got away from him. Which was certainly an improvement from the days she'd spent sobbing in her bed back home.
Wrapping the blanket tighter around herself, she tried to push any and all thoughts of him away. She didn't want to think about them, she didn't want to think about him leaving, or what he was doing right now, she told herself she didn't care if he felt exactly the way she did, she didn't care if he was hurting, she didn't care not one fucking bit.
Funnily enough, the more she tried to convince herself that she didn't give a damn about him or anything that had to do with him, the harder it became to keep from breaking down all over again, and that she hated more than any of it.
OoOoO
He'd taken a shower both to try and clear his head and give her some time to calm down. Lindsey meant well, and she was his sister, but there were just some things he didn't understand when it came to her.
Sighing, he pulled the shower curtain back and reached for a towel, wincing at a number of movements he made while trying to dry off. As a whole, his body felt a little more relaxed from the warm water raining down on him, but with a glance at himself in the mirror as it started to unfog he wasn't so sure he looked it one bit.
He really wasn't sure what was harder at this point, not seeing Buffy and being convinced it was for the best... or having her right in front of him after everything that had happened. In any event, he was sure he'd aged a few dozen lifetimes lately.
It was late, and well after their last little run in, but all the same after he had gotten dressed Angel quietly made his way toward Lindsey's room, stealing a glance toward the couch as he'd passed it by only finding his friend looking peacefully drifted off in dreamland again. Knocking lightly he knew there was a good chance she wasn't going to answer, either not wanting to deal with either of the two men on the other side or more likely had fallen asleep by now, but he tried once then twice before checking to see if the door was locked.
With a light creaking sound it slowly opened and his eyes immediately went to the curled up form in the middle of the bed that he could just make out in the dark room. The longer he stared, the more his chest burned but he couldn't seem to pull himself away from the longest time... then when he finally sighed and started to reach for the handle again, the smallest movement caught his attention.
Buffy was suddenly looking back at him, eyes back to burning holes right through him at that.
The two remained like that for what felt like a lifetime before he finally leaned more against the doorframe and cleared his throat. "The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you," he told her, his voice just barely loud enough to hear. "I understand that that information is probably not what you want to hear and not even what you believe but I just needed to let you know. And that I truly am sorry for... everything."
When Buffy didn't say anything, he looked down at the ground for a moment. "I know that this isn't some ideal situation and you don't want to be here, you don't want to be around me... I don't really know how to make it easier but I would try. If you need to me to leave that's all you have to say, I will figure something out so don't worry about that. Rushing out the door without a plan from moment one maybe might not have been able to work but given some time to find a different option of where to be I am sure I can come up with something. Or, I mean, if you want me to just leave you the hell alone I can do that. I can do my best to pretend you aren't here and you do the same, I can stay in my room as much as humanly possible and out of sight."
Sighing again, "Or if you do need to talk or yell or whatever I am here too. I don't know what exactly I could say to make anything better but I would try if that's what you needed, too. You deserve to be happy and not wind up cursed by all of this or whatever. So..." he trailed off, daring to finally look back up. Buffy didn't move again nor did she speak so finally he nodded and soon was quietly closing the door again and hoping once he reached his own bed sleep would grant him some peace from reality.
OoOoO
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Lindsey tried letting out a slow breath and yet again ignoring his sister and her bullshit that has been going on all morning... but he was pretty sure he was one snide comment or slam of a cabinet door away from losing his ever loving mind.
He was tired. He was stressed out. He was cranky. It wasn't a good combination for anybody.
OoOoO
After overhearing Buffy ranting to Willow about him, about Angel, and some choice words she'd added into that conversation it seemed like all ability to bite his tongue went right out the window once she was off the phone and plopping down onto the other side of the couch with a glare toward Angel's closed room.
"Now I know I'm probably ruining any bridge building that may have been going on here, Sis, and I get that after all I did I don't exactly have a whole lot of room to talk but have you even for a second thought about things beyond your damn self?" Buffy's head turned and eyes shot daggers at him but he shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "You are making everything out to be he slighted you and that is all that matters. I get it, you two were together, you were his girlfriend, you're supposed to be in love and whatever... okay... but you do realize that just happened right? You were together for a minute. And I am sure it still hurt more than anything in the world, for you, for him, whatever... but you keep acting like nothing else was supposed to matter or hurt."
"Can we seriously not do this?"
"No because I think we got to. I think someone needs to remind you that while yes you're relationship there kind of exploded, other shit did too. We exploded, Buffy. You and me are not okay. Me and him were not okay and sometimes I'm not even sure if we ever truly will be again."
"But you will be! Because you're who matters more right?"
Lindsey rolled his eyes. "Would you stop with that shit? Would you stop acting like you've up and forgotten that he and I have been friends for basically our whole damn lives, were friends long before you two were a thing, were friends before your ass was even born? And stop acting like it's somehow not okay for him to have been upset over losing a lifelong friendship, that it's somehow not okay for me and him to try and get back some normalcy, too? Do you just like to pretend like he didn't just lose a girlfriend, lose a friend, but he pretty much lost everyone because of what went down that night? All you wanna focus on is you. He left you there... which I don't see how you don't understand is the best thing he could have even done. He didn't wanna talk to you, he didn't reach out to you. Do you ever think maybe he had to figure some things out, had some healing of his own to do, maybe was even doing you a favor by it all?"
Buffy let out a highly unamused laugh. "Okay. So everything is my fault? I'm some selfish brat apparently who only cares about herself, why," she questioned. "Because I'm not playing the role of some damn martyr? If you think I'm not aware of every single thing that he's been through… you have no idea."
"I have every idea," Lindsey bellowed, throwing the small blanket off his lap, then swinging his legs off the sofa to sit up. "And no one is asking you to be some damn martyr, I know that you're hurt, by him, by me and every fucking one else, and he knows that," he added exasperated. "But you're walking around here like you were the only one hurt in this situation, like he had set out some goal to slight you on purpose."
She wasn't sure if the tears she felt were from anger or sadness, though right then she didn't much care, "This is exactly why we are not okay," she stuttered, "You have never, not one time in my whole entire life looked at anything from my side, from my perspective. You're supposed to be my brother, I'm supposed to be able to trust you, and right now I'm not sure I can say that I can."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He asked, watching her laugh again, in a way that he knew meant there was absolutely nothing she found amusing.
"Just forget it," she mumbled, starting to turn so she could get out of there, maybe call Willow and see if she could go crash there, even though her neighborhood wasn't in the clear yet either.
"No," he moved quickly, jumping in front of her in order to block her path back to his room. "You don't get to just say something like and walk away again. Whatever's going on between you and me needs to be settled, here and now. I don't care if you're pissed at me, hell you've lived most of your damn life mad at me for some reason or another, but this whole telling me I'm not your brother bullshit, and saying you can't trust me needs to end because we both fucking know it's not true."
"Do we," she spat, "I couldn't wait for you to graduate and come home, but all you have done since you've been back is point your stupid finger and try to order me around like some damn dictator. You're trying to tell me that I'm walking around throwing some fit because my feelings got hurt, but my life has been turned upside down because of one of your damn temper tantrums."
He took a step back, "Are you seriously trying to say that all this shit is my damn fault? I walk in on you, on you," he stumbled, fighting to force the words he needed.
"Fuck what you walked in on!" Her voice echoed, seeming to bounce off the walls. Then Lindsey stilled as silence suddenly seemed to fill around them. "You had no right to say the things you did that day, none, I am done living my life to your expectations."
Lindsey crossed his arms over his chest, "What expectations," he shouted right back at her.
I loved him," she gasped, "More than I will ever love anyone, and you ruined that. So to hell with your bridges and whatever steps you think we've taken. You're right, you will always be my brother, I didn't get a choice in that, but I do get a say in who gets to be a part of my life, and I'm still not sure that you should right now."
Lindsey grabbed the closest thing to him, which just so happened to be a bowl of fruits and then watched as it collided with the wall and grapes flew all over the place. "Damnt," he grumbled, swiping the bowl from the ground and starting to clean up the mess.
He was so tired of all of this, but it seemed like no matter what he did or said he only managed to screw shit up more. Maybe Mia was right, and he did need to work on how he came across, but he was fucking trying here.
"What do you want me to do Buffy, I have tried apologizing to your stubborn ass and it doesn't work. I know that I fucked up, okay? That was the whole point of what I was trying to get at, we all fucked up here, but you won't get off the damn pedestal you've built long enough to realize that. Do you honestly want to let this be the end of everything? The three of us, you and me," his voice lowered a little, "You and him."
"Don't," she whispered, but he wasn't about to stop now.
"No," his head shook as he tossed the now empty bowl into the sink. "You keep going on about how much you love him, how I messed everything up or whatever… but he nearly fucking died, do you get that? He is a fucking shell right now, and it's not because he's fucking black and blue. I know that you're in pain, and all of it boils down to the two of us. But you can't stand there and act like either one of us ever set out with that intention."
She bit her lip as hard as she could stand in some effort to keep from falling back apart. "So what's your solution Linds, I'm just supposed to pretend like nothing ever happened because…"
Lindsey let out a groan of frustration, "You're not supposed to pretend anything Buff, but have you even tried talking to him? Really talking to him, maybe hear his side to all of this without jumping to the conclusion that he did everything just to hurt you?" He chuckled to himself, "You know you keep going on about him choosing me, or thinking I'm more important, and in that process you're missing the point where you are the center of that man's damn universe. He lied to me," his thumbs went to his chest, "And even now shit's not the same between us because of you. Because even though he doesn't say anything, I know he fucking misses you, and as weird as it is, it strangely makes a whole lot of sense at the same damn time."
He sighed, "You can stay mad at me," he finally resigned, "But just know that if the roles were somehow reversed, he wouldn't be treating you this way."
OoOoO
Stepping under the warm spray she tried remembering how to breathe. Lindsey hadn't let up following her back into his room, so she'd grabbed a change of clothes and went to the bathroom just so she could get a break from him for a few minutes, his words repeating over and over again inside her head.
The water had turned so cold that she had begun to shiver before she finally forced herself to shut the shower off and get out, small goosebumps covering her flesh.
OoOoO
He had tried to stay in his room for as long as possible, he only caught bits of pieces of what had been said, but he'd heard enough to put it all together. Unfortunately for him though, he was still dependent on the stupid medications the doctor had sent him home with, and if he didn't take them with food they made him sick.
So, while he tried to wait it out, to let himself drift in and out of uncomfortable sleep just a little while longer, eventually he knew he had to brave things out there beyond these walls of his.
Currently not hearing any latest round of misery going on outside in the rest of the apartment, he figured now was as good of a time as any and started pulling himself up out of the bed and toward the door. Lindsey was sitting on the couch looking annoyed which didn't surprise him but he also didn't see any sight of Buffy at the moment either. Once Linds seemed to put together what he was doing, he sighed and stood up, telling Angel to take a seat and he'd whip something up. Trying to argue that he could manage did not good so eventually he just gave up and answered what he might be in the mood for.
Bypassing the way too inviting couch, he kept walking closer to the kitchen before taking a seat where he could still talk to Lindsey.
"Unless you want to continue this little streak of ruining your relationship with her, you gotta stop, Linds. You have to let her deal with everything how she needs to, if that's hating me then so be it, you can't fix you and your sister being at odds by going at her like that."
Lindsey sighed, pulling out a couple items from the fridge and setting them up on the counter. "You think I don't know that? But at the same time it's just an endless damn cycle, Angel. Everything winds up all tied to one another... me and her have our issues that we can't seem to get past, at least a good portion of them, because things blew up with you and her, there's you and hers mess, then even me and you trying to deal with one another is a problem because... back to you and her. It's exhausting."
Angel sighed and rubbed at the back of his head. "I know but you're going to have to figure out how to fix things with her around all of that anyway. Passing blame back and forth between everyone... yeah it's warranted, everyone did a number of things wrong here, but it's not doing any good. You just need to be her big brother, however she needs that to mean. Alright?"
"It's not as freakin' easy as that, Angel, that's exactly what I'm saying!"
OoOoO
With what limited cooking skills he had, Lindsey was able to whip up some grilled hot ham and cheese sandwiches and throw some canned soup in the microwave, just as he was finishing up Buffy had dared showing her own face again. Angel seemed to go out of his way to not look her way, excusing himself to his room with his food as Lindsey asked if she wanted one of the sandwiches he'd made.
Lindsey waited a few minutes after his door had closed before attempting to say anything. "Okay, so I'm not trying to be a smartass or anything with this, I'm asking you with all honesty alright? But what can I do to help you? To make things better? If you want me to go back through history and try and explain why I was so damn overprotective and apologize for the majority of it I will be happy to. If you want me to zip it about any relationships past and present - exception of which maybe you are in danger or something along those lines - then I will do my absolute best to try and learn to keep shit to myself. If you need me and him to go back to not being in each other lives because that's too much for you to deal with and it's going to keep making you feel everything is me versus you then that's all you have to say, too. I just hate all of this shit and I miss my fucking sister."
"What I truly want is one of those impossible missions, Lindsey. To go back in time, make different choices, pray there would be a better outcome. But here in reality.. I don't know really what to do. I just keep wishing you could see me for me, see me as someone who was able to grow up and can manage herself, who can be trusted to make decisions rather than thinking I'm incapable and need everyone else to do all of that for me. I want you to stick up for your friend but I also want you to understand that I'm hurting, too-"
"I do understand that and care about it, Buf. That's why I'm trying to point shit out to you!"
She sighed. "And no, I don't think the solution is exactly as easy as write him off and you two stop being friends all over again. That's literally never want I wanted. It's just hard to see at the same time. I feel like the odd one out, like I don't matter because your go to is sticking up for him, his go to was to jump right back into staying away from me so he could buddy buddy back up with you-"
"First of all I crashed his party not the other way around, he didn't reach out to me, but he tried with you. Happenstance with us going from where we were to somewhat of a normal situation is all I can assume. Because I really messed up and yeah so did he and you but I had my own set of things I did in this whole mess that I have to own my ass up to. And I am trying to make things up to him, and I am to you, and I'm also trying to use part of this whole so called sticking up for him bit to improve the situation with you and me and also to show you that you aren't alone in this and that you aren't supposed to be feeling like you don't matter but quite the damn opposite. You are hurting and so is he... he's hurting because you matter to him. He was willing to lose everything and everyone around him to try and be with you... and then he did... and lost you too. You think he'd even risk that over nothing?"
Buffy put her half eaten sandwich down on the plate and just stared at it for a long time, looking like she was back to fighting the urge to either cry or just start lashing out at him again.
"I want to help you, I do. I want to try and be whatever type of brother you need me to be, who I probably should've been a long while ago, I want you to trust me and I want to be part of your life and you in mine. Whatever that takes... As much as I am sure you wish it didn't involve Angel, I think something there has to eventually be done. You don't have to work things out and be together or whatever again but if you're ever going to move on then I think there needs to be some closure on both sides."