Co-written with Scribes1015!

Things had been less tense since her and Lindsey's little heart to heart, things between them were far from perfect, but it was a nice start. "You think he's still asleep," she finally asked after Lindsey caught her eyes drifting towards his door for the second time.

"Probably," he sighed. "They still have him on pretty strong pain meds, he pretty much only wakes up long enough to eat and take them again. He seems to be doing better than he was though," pausing, he took a second to try and gage her reaction. "Things were bad Buf, when I first got to the hospital there were tubes coming out of all kinds of places they had no business being. He couldn't walk, could barely sit up, hell the first time I was there all I did was watch the damn monitor to make sure his ass was still alive."

"What about his parents?" She knew better than to think either of them would suddenly be at their sons' side, but she'd never understood how they could just basically abandon him the way they had either. She had very few memories of his parents, and none of them were all that great.

Lindsey grunted, "What about them, you know they're fucking useless."

OoOoO

At some point Lindsey had grabbed the bottle of jack he had up in the cabinet along with a pack of cards, at first she just assumed he was going to pour himself a drink which she couldn't exactly blame him for, but then he surprised her by bringing over two glasses.

They spent the rest of the afternoon taping into lighter topics. What classes she was taking, what his graduate school looked like, how he was doing with Mia. What his plans might be for the future…

By the time Angel came back out of his room they were already half through the bottle which caused him to do a rather painful double take. She wasn't a heavy drinker by any means, and she definitely felt the effects. She could also understand why so many people turned to the stuff, everything just felt so much lighter.

"Oh my god," she half gasped. The words flying from her mouth before she could stop them. Of course she knew he'd been in an accident, she'd seen some of the bruising, but none of it could have prepared her for how bad he really looked. Her eyes lingered, trying to take in as much as she could from her place on the couch. A myriad of bruises colored his chest, his skin going from greenish color on the outer edges to deep purples and blacks closer to the incision.

"It looks worse than it is," she heard him say, but it barely registered. Instead the gravity of what Linds had been trying to get through to her earlier suddenly slammed into her with a force she didn't expect.

"Sit down," Lindsey ordered, getting up his own self to go grab some of the pizza they had ordered earlier.

Under any other circumstance he would at least try to argue that there were still some things he could manage by himself, but Buffy had gone from smiling to staving off new tears, and even after everything he still couldn't stand to see her like that.

"It's okay," he whispered softly once he was closer to her. He had every intention of giving her space, and taking the recliner Linds had just left, but just before he reached it he watched her lip begin to quiver. Instead, he slowly took a seat beside her on the sofa, still making sure to leave plenty of space between them.

"Angel," she breathed his name, trying to pull herself back together, silently cursing the whiskey she'd just been thanking moments ago.

"I should have come to the hospital," she blurted after a few more minutes. "Angel," she sniffled, "If you would have died…"

Before he could even think about what he was doing, his arm was around her, pulling her closer to his side. "Shhh," he murmured, then tried to repeat that he was in fact going to be okay but her head just shook against his shoulder as silent sobs tore through her.

"Please don't cry beautiful," he barely managed, his own emotions getting the best of him. He had no doubt that part of whatever was going on was due to the alcohol but right then he couldn't bring himself to care about why she was in his arms, it only mattered that she was.

Rounding his way back into the living room, Lindsey's eyes went wide at the sight of the two of them. They weren't talking, not that he could hear anyway, but Buffy was curled about as close as she could get to Angel, her head resting carefully against his shoulder.

OoOoO

She knew that she might regret it all in the morning, but right then she didn't care. She wasn't sure if it was the whiskey, seeing how hurt he was, or just everything finally boiling over that caused her to finally break. Even though neither of them had said more than a couple of words and absolutely nothing had been resolved, it felt like she could breathe for the first time since that day at the beach house.

He was scared to move, scared to breathe even, for fear that she might realize what was going on and push him away. There was still a lot they needed to talk about, a lot he needed to explain, if she would listen, but right then he would take the silence if it meant holding her again. Even if it only ended up being for the night.

A nearly comfortable silence had settled around them by the time the first episode of whatever show Lindsey had put on was over. The pizza Linds had brought was still sitting untouched on the coffee table in front of him.

"You want me to move her," Lindsey quietly asked, breaking the silence surrounding them.

Angel shook his head against the back of the sofa, "Let her sleep, I'll get her moved around in a minute."

Relaxing back into the recliner, Lindsey took in the sight of the two of them. "You sure," he asked again. Not sure how she had even managed to fall asleep in such a position, her feet curled up underneath her, cheek pressed firmly against his arm. About that time she mumbled something in her sleep, Angel tensed not ready for her to wake up and force them to face reality, but then let out an audible sigh when he felt her small arm sliding across his waist.

Angel smirked, "I'm sure."

OoOoO

It hadn't taken long for Linds to jump at the opportunity of sleeping in his bed, even if he only got a few hours before she crawled in there with him, taking the whole thing over like she always had.

Angel sat through a whole other episode of the space drama Linds had on before he garnered the courage to even try to move himself or her. Because of his injuries, picking her up was out of the question, though he had contemplated it for a while anyway. Instead, he carefully stretched out on the opposite end of the couch, somehow managing to maneuver her about without stirring her back awake into a more comfortable position before struggling with one of the throw blankets Mia had brought over which had been within reach. Angel was sure come morning and being faced back with a sober, angry Buffy he might have at least a small bit of regret about this but he would worry about that when the time came.

Even though his eyes felt heavy, his body ready to just let him drift back to the world of dreams, he continued to fight to stay awake and just enjoy this for as long as he could.

OoOoO

Buffy let her head roll back against the wall, her legs outstretch against the cool tile of the bathroom floor praying she was done emptying all of her stomach contents now. She felt gross, needed a shower as she was pretty sure some mess got in a couple strands of her hair, needed to brush her teeth and wash her mouth out, her eyes were stinging, nose burning and she was big on regretting drinking so much at the moment.

She grumbled once hearing a knock at the door, praying it wasn't Angel coming in to see her a fucking disaster, relieved when Lindsey's frame filled up the doorway, stepping in with one hand with a half filled glass of cool water and the other a mixture of pain medicine he said should help.

Forcing herself back to her feet and over toward the sink to at least clean herself up a little, she thanked him for the gifts before sinking back down to the ground. Almost as soon as the last pill had been downed, she found herself bursting into tears so hard Lindsey almost looked spooked, asking if maybe she needed to go be seen by a doctor but she shook her head, clutching her arms around her stomach.

"I just don't understand how I can count back to a couple of months, a matter of weeks, and know that was the happiest I have ever fucking been and then I'm here. I don't understand how everything went from day to night and I just don't know how to deal with any of it. I'm just angry all the time... and it's exhausting."

Lindsey sighed, coming to take a seat on the edge of the tub.

"And there's like fear inside of me that if I don't hang on to it at the same time, if I let myself stop being so fucking pissed, that I'm going to stop breathing or implode or something. That everything else I'd felt or could be feeling will just consume me til there's nothing left. So I'm just mad. I'm mad at you. I'm mad at him. And more than anything else I'm mad at myself because I just find myself going around and around in circles that maybe this could have all been avoided."

"It could have, sis, but that's not all on you hun."

"He wanted to just tell you... so many times. It was killing him. And I wouldn't let him... I mean of course I wasn't like holding a gun to his head and he technically could have.. but I might as well been. I put him in the position. No we didn't know how you might react or what might happen truly, good or bad, but it wasn't the right thing to do go sneaking around like that. But we did and I keep pushing for it and I'm even angry then. Angry that we even worry so much about it, angry that it bothers him even though yeah that's stupid and selfish to make it all about me and all but it did, it made me angry that it felt sometimes he was more worried about you than being consumed in us I guess. But then I would cycle around to being mad at myself because that's a terrible way of thinking. I know he was worried about losing everything... his friendships with everyone not just you, losing me, losing mom, his whole world probably coming down around him. All because of me."

Lindsey reached over and patted the top of her head. "You had a lot of things stacked against you. At the end of the day your feelings were as valid as anything else, Buf."

"And so fucking angry at Jesse. And then angry and embarrassed and everything else over when everything did come out-"

"Makes two of us there-"

"And I was just so angry he left. Logically I understand it, I do but it still felt like a crushing blow to me. You about destroyed him, Lindsey... and everyone has constantly pointed out what else he was supposed to do and I get it. But it still hurt, right or wrong, sense or not... it hurt that he left, he left me, he left me there, and he was just... gone and I felt like I was nothing. Everything just starts to manifest from there where everything goes into question, the moments that I literally just went through becomes distorted the more I replay them and start telling myself it was all some lie and it just festers until I'm... here."

"And you stay there in your little anger bubble and everything continues on around you."

"Pretty much," she agreed. "And it's all just... a lot. A really, really lot."

OoOoO

The siblings talked awhile longer before she grumbled her legs were starting to go numb and probably needed to get in the shower before she started to smell any more but before he left, Lindsey turned back to face her, one hand of the doorknob. "Everything was handled wrong... and not just you and him hooking up behind everyone's back but before that, a long history of choices that might not have been the best every time."

"I know."

"And... for whatever it's worth, and I already told him this multiple times now... I understand why but I'm also pissed about a lot of it. I don't like being lied to, I don't like being lied right to my damn face, I don't like people sneaking around and making me feel like a crazy person. I don't fucking enjoy memories that now live in my brain I wish I could burn out forever and that being how shit came to light. But I guess I get the whys... But at the same time I wish it was just said, just put out there. As weird as the idea of you and him is and might always be on some level, it also always made some kind of sense too. I mean if ever asked who I thought would ever be good enough for you or whatever he's kind of the only person who would pop into my head."

Buffy shot him a sad smile at that.

"And maybe that had a hiccup there in the middle but it still rings true. He loves you," Lindsey said then rolled his eyes and laughed. "For whatever fucking reason."

"Shut up," she muttered, throwing one of the rolled up towels in reach at him.

OoOoO

"You're bleeding," Lindsey pointed out.

"Not a lot." He hadn't noticed until this morning, but at some time during the night he had torn a couple of stitches.

Lindsey's brow raised. "But more than you should be."

"It's fine," Angel breathed heavily, wishing that he could somehow break the cycle of non stop pain, dizziness, and nausea. Wanting more than anything to be healed from this disaster already.

"You sure? Don't want you hemorrhaging out on the carpet and all that mess."

Angel winced, then quickly followed that by asking how Buffy was. He'd woken up to her running off to the bathroom earlier. His first instinct was to go make sure she was okay, but he still wasn't sure what her reaction was going to be after last night now that she was sober, so he'd sent Lindsey to check on her.

Lindsey chuckled a little, "Hungover, pretty sure she was praying for the world to stop spinning there for a minute, but she's fine. I gave her some Tylenol before she got in the shower, she just needs to sleep it off… much like you're supposed to be doing."

Knowing Lindsey's cooking skills were limited at best, he had come into the kitchen to make them all a quick breakfast. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but even lifting one of the pans out from under the cabinet was a struggle. "I've done nothing but sleep for weeks," he finally answered. "Besides I think it's been proven it's going to take a hell of a lot more than eggs and bacon to take me out."

OoOoO

The shower had done little to make her feel better, but she was no longer sporting puke in her hair so she would take that as a win. Everything hurt, not only did she feel like she needed to drink about a gallon of water, her stomach growling reminded her of how little she'd actually managed to eat the day before, but all of that would have to wait because there was absolutely no way she was making it past the couch.

Lindsey started laughing almost as soon as he rounded the corner, Buffy was face down on the couch, her wet hair spread across one of the small pillows. "Geez woman, first you take over my bed, now my clothes, what's next?"

Wanting nothing more to lay down again, she hadn't felt like digging through her bag to find something to wear so she'd just grabbed the first t-shirt she saw hanging in his closet. "Your sanity," she deadpanned, turning a bit so she could see him better, glad that they were getting to the point where jokes could be made again.

He had just sat down across from her when there was a loud noise in the kitchen followed by a loud groan. She was up and moving before Lindsey even had time to register what happened.

Her eyes went wide, Angel was braced against the kitchen counter, a bandage which she didn't remember noticing last night soaked with so much blood it had begun trickling down his side creating small drops on the floor. "Be careful," Angel bit out when she started towards him, "The glass," he nodded to the floor. He'd been getting glasses down for orange juice when one had slipped, he'd tried to catch it but the sudden movement obviously hadn't agreed with him.

"I'll grab the bandages and get this mess cleaned up," Lindsey told her after appearing too, "Just try and get him to sit down or something."

OoOoO

Lindsey wouldn't shut up about wanting to call an ambulance. "Would you just calm down," Angel gritted out again. Thankfully his wound didn't look nearly as bad as she thought it was going too. There were a few stitches that tore but it was only along the side of the incision, the rest of it looked good considering. There wasn't even any redness or swelling, which she was sure might change now that it had been irritated, but so far it seemed okay.

"Sorry," she winced, noticing the sharp breath he took as she finished applying the new bandage, then handing him the pills Lindsey had brought left for him.

For once he was glad to take the pain medication, trying not to let on how bad it was. Lindsey was already ready to take his ass back to the hospital, and he knew it wouldn't take much more to get Buffy on board with that plan. "There," she whispered, her voice trembling more than she'd meant for it to.

Glancing up she hadn't expected to find him looking at her in that way that only he ever had, their eyes locked, and for just a moment everything else seemed to fade away. He brushed a damp strand of hair back behind her ear, and even though her thoughts and emotions were all over the place she couldn't help but to turn into his touch.

OoOoO

One good thing from the morning was that Lindsey, despite all the panicking, had enough thought to save the breakfast he had been making before it all turned to a crisp. They were all once again piled up in the living room, but unfortunately without any life threatening emergencies going on the heavy awkwardness between him and Buffy seemed to have returned. Stupidly he'd almost kissed her this morning, probably would have had Lindsey's voice not snapped both of them out of whatever trance they had been under, and ever since then she had barely looked his direction.

He couldn't take it anymore, if he didn't get away from the two of them for a little while he was going to end up playing the role of Dr. Phil more than he already had, and that wasn't a role he wanted any part of. Things were finally starting to feel somewhat normal between him and the two of them, there was no way he was going to mess that back up by getting sucked back into their drama.

Her pulse kicked up a few notches watching Lindsey grab his shoes from the small closet in the hall, "Where are you going," she dared to ask when he reappeared. The idea of suddenly being alone with Angel more than she could process right then.

"Figured I would run by the house and wet everything down again, see how the neighborhood's holding up." The winds had shifted some, so far their childhood home had remained safe, but they weren't completely out of the woods just yet. "I'll probably swing by Mia's too," he added as an afterthought. He hadn't seen her much since Angel's accident, wanting to keep her as far away as possible from the shit storm his life had become.

"Try to make sure his ass doesn't do anything to cause more damage."

OoOoO

There were so many things that he wanted to say, but everytime he started to open his mouth he would snap it closed. He had no idea where to start, not a clue as to what he could possibly say. She deserved so much more than the hand in which she'd been dealt when it came to him, to their short time together, how it all wound up blowing up in their faces worse than he could have ever even imagined and Lord knew he wanted at least the chance to try and clear some of the air between them, properly get to apologize and all, but it was also fucking daunting to think about really having that can of worms open. What little attempts he had managed so far sure hadn't gone over well... not that he expected any differently.

A matter of months ago they were together, in love, spending every possible moment getting lost in one another... now here they were. One moment he was promising her everything was going to be okay just for the next to prove anything but. And that was a fucking lot to deal with.

For him, for her... Each had a lot of shit they had to deal with following Lindsey's little intrusion there. Of course he didn't exactly have a lot of information about how she was holding up and what was going on in her life since but there was enough, and there was plenty of imagination being used, too. She felt abandoned, betrayed, looking at it as thought he did nothing but drop out of her life without a second thought or care in the world as far as she was concerned and that ate him the fuck up inside.

He truly doubted anything he did or said at this point would truly make much of a difference though and that made starting to broach the subject harder each time.

OoOoO

It felt as though Lindsey had been gone forever with the awkwardness hanging in the air. Angel had dozed off for maybe twenty minutes at best at one point and somehow that had felt even more uncomfortable than him being awake.

When his eyes did reopen, he coughed a few times so she'd jumped up and went to get him a drink, ignoring his protests and claiming he could get up on his own, then brought him a cold bottle of water over. Eyeing him with a weary gaze, she slowly sat back down, tucking her legs under her body. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked softly.

He nodded as he drank the cool liquid then screwed the cap back shut. "I'll live. Everything hurts, sometimes more than other times, but nothing major I promise."

She nodded though knew he was worse off than he wanted anyone to know. Even though she'd heard some of what had happened, she asked him anyway to hear his account and fought to keep herself together as she listened to it again, imagining how scary that must have been for him, how close as Lindsey was enjoying pointing out that it could have very easily ended much, much worse than it had.

OoOoO

"Are you really planning on moving... you know, out of state?"

Angel held his breath for a moment too long, he hadn't known Lindsey had mentioned that to her but he supposed he shouldn't be too surprised by it. "It's been a thought," he finally answered. "More of something I was debating doing before... before the accident, talking with your mom and brother... and just trying to figure out what might be best for me... for everyone."

Buffy's eyes cast downward into her lap as she started to pick nervously at her fingernails. "Why is it so easy for you to do that? To just keep pushing people away and trying to disappear?"

"I don't know what's giving you the impression any of this is easy," he whispered back, feeling his chest squeeze.

"B-because you just did it, Angel... You just left... and then refused to have anything to do with me. You made it all seem impossibly easy," she replied, her voice cracking at the end.

Closing his eyes for a moment of extra strength, Angel grunted as he moved himself toward the edge of the couch then moved closer to her. "Buffy, I am sorry that you see it that way but nothing could be further from the truth... I didn't stop loving you just because shit hit the fan that night or because I just wasn't around. I didn't stop missing you every fucking second of every fucking day just because I knew it was best to keep my distance for everyone's sake. That was the hardest thing I had to face every day since... the battle inside of me of what I want and the reality of the situation and trying to do what was best for everyone else, what was best for you-"

"How was being apart from you best for me, Angel? Because it wasn't!" she said in a louder voice, her hand coming up to angrily wipe at some tears escaping toward her cheeks.

Angel's jaw clenched and he closed his eyes again, letting his mind go back to that night, trying to come up with the right words to explain to her where he was coming from, why he had made the choices that he had. From not wanting her and Lindsey's relationship to be ruined forever, trying to explain every one of the safety concerns that had passed through his mind when he'd thought of trying to talk to her or trying to see her again for either one of them, how much harder on probably the most selfish side of things it seemed to drag it out at the time, that it didn't seem to have a place to reach out, to express whatever was boiling inside...

He felt his heart shatter all over again though as Buffy cut him off again, fighting to get words out between the tears she couldn't hold back anymore, trying to rush all the words she'd been burying inside of her out, too. Expressing how heartbroken she had been, how the view from where she was looked, how her mind started twisting up everything they had been until she was convinced of endless terrible things about not only him but herself...

Angel dared reaching his hand over, lightly touching her knee and shook his head. "This, none of this, was ever fair to you, Buffy and I'm sorry for that. Hell, even back to that night when I came to bail you out with the shit with Riley... I shouldn't have started something and even if I had, as you've pointed out, how I handled the aftermath wasn't right... even if I had no idea what was going on, simply running away from it wasn't the right choice. Now that time just hiding in the shadows was easy but a lot changed from then to now."

"I don't want you to be sorry about kissing me though, Angel. That was my most favorite moment of my life for how long?"

"The devil's in the details though, right? I don't know how to regret how the majority of the summer went, being with you... but there's too many damn layers to what was going on. You didn't deserve the sneaking around, your first relationship ever, your first break up, or any of the things that's happened since."

"And what about now, what do I deserve," she snapped, finally meeting his gaze. "Cause everything you're saying is starting to sound like one big wish to take it all back."

Closing his eyes, he let out a long tired sigh, "I don't regret being with you Buffy, there's just a lot of things that I wish had been done differently. That I should have done differently, I'm more experienced than you, I should…"

"Should have what," she gasped, cutting him off. "Sent me back to my room like I was just some child? Not kissed me, not had sex with me," her voice hardened, "Not love me?"

"No," he shook his head, "But I should have gone to your brother after that first night in my room. Hell, I should have told him about what happened the very first night I kissed you, and no not because I think he's more important than you or because I value mine and his friendship over what we had, but because it would have been the right thing to do. Because if I'd just put my own selfishness to the side for one damn second then maybe we wouldn't be in this position."

She was crying again, "The right thing to do," she half laughed, "You left me, you took my virginity, you told me you were in love with me, that you couldn't live without me, that we were going to figure this out and face Lindsey, that no matter what we were going to make this work. But then you took off, how hard would it have been for a phone call or hell even a text. Do you have any idea how I felt when I called and your number was disconnected," she waited for a second, "Used. That's how you made me feel, like I was just some cheap unattainable goal that you had somehow conquered and no longer had any use for. I didn't care about Lindsey or what he thought, I didn't care about the things we could have done differently, all I cared about was the fact that my boyfriend didn't feel I was important enough to even let me know that he was okay."

"I'm trying to explain, it was because I felt you were important that I stayed away. If I would have stayed at your moms what do you really think would have happened once Linds got back," he asked, then not giving her time to answer, "And maybe I was wrong for taking off like I did, for changing my number and not letting you know that I was okay, but things were just so screwed up already, I was backed into a corner with nowhere to turn. I didn't want to be away from you Buffy, I didn't want to leave you, everyday it was like I was fighting some invisible battle not to get in my car, drive right back over there and beg you to forgive me. I know you probably don't believe me but I meant everything that I said to you that weekend and every night before."

"And what about now," she somehow managed through the heavy lump in her throat.

"I don't know," he whispered. "All I've wanted since I opened my eyes and saw your mom in that hospital was to hold you. To feel you against me, to feel like everything might just be okay. But I know how badly I've hurt you, and how much us being together has hurt everyone else. I want to be with you Buffy, it's just that after everything I can't help but think that maybe the universe keeps trying to tell us we're just not meant to be."

OoOoO

"You told her what," Lindsey yelled across his room. After getting everything taken care of at his mom's, he'd picked up Mia and they went and enjoyed a very long, very drawn out dinner as he in no way wanted to somehow come back home early to a repeat of what started this whole mess in the first damn place. He figured giving the two of them some space and time alone they would hopefully be able to talk and maybe sort some of the mess out between them. Hell a part of him had even been hoping that he would come home to find them cozying up on the couch together or locked away in Angel's room, preferably sleeping of course. But what he hadn't expected was to come back home to Buffy once again locked up in his own damn room.

"I didn't mean it like that," Angel groaned. "I just meant that maybe we shouldn't go jumping into things since everything is just starting to settle down. I mean look at the two of you, you've only just today started to resemble the damn siblings I know. Plus, it's not like we can just pretend the last couple of months didn't happen. I mean what are we supposed to do just say okay we're back together, and let everyone deal all over again?"

Lindsey stared blankly, "Yes," he shouted. "Look man I get where you're coming from, and I appreciate the sentiment, but you are doing one hell of a fucking job screwing things up with her. Like," his hand went to his head, "How could you possibly think that telling her that under any damn circumstance was the right thing to do. I mean unless you really don't want to be with her after all and if that's case I'm afraid I might just have to kick your ass all over again because that would mean that her, you, me, we've all gone through this shit for nothing, and I know that's not the fucking case."

"You know I would never hurt her like that."

Lindsey scoffed, "I mean I would like to fucking think so Angel, but geeze man. After everything the two of you have been through, you go off and tell her something like that. How did you expect her to react," he took a deep breath, "You know I really thought she was overreacting, just being Buffy getting herself all worked up with the whole you being more worried about me than her argument, but I gotta say I'm kind of starting to agree with her. You can't just love her behind closed doors, if you're going to make this shit work, then you need to make her feel like she's the one that matters here. Not me, not whatever possible outcome the future may hold, and not what happened before. She's already proved there's no one more important to her than you, don't you think it's about time you did the same?"

OoOoO

Grabbing the bottle from the night before, Lindsey poured a couple ounces in the cup, then after a few seconds added a couple more, not quite sure how he'd ended up in the position he was in, playing the role of some sort of therapist between their asses.

It was getting to the point where he was about to go buy a deadbolt and do what his mom used to do to him and Buffy when they would start arguing and she got tired of hearing it.

Lock the both of their asses in until they sorted it the fuck out.