Chapter 6 – Year 839

Rest, Shame, Love

The month of March was uncharacteristically warm. In years past, the cobbled streets and rooftops did not thaw until mid-April. It was a welcome change; that winter had been one of the coldest on record – not to mention bleak. Even now, the men and women of the Survey Corps mourned their fallen comrades. Fifty-seven lives were lost on the 19th exterior scouting mission.

Storms came and went, and with them, the last of the frost. Erwin Smith sat at his desk, listening to the rain as he nursed a glass of whiskey. It had been a stressful day; and though he was not one to drink alone, the occasion called for it. The events that transpired in the infirmary that morning left him shaken.

"Squad Leader!" A recruit burst into his office. He was in such a hurry that he forgot to knock.

Erwin set his jaw. He did not appreciate the sudden intrusion. "What is it, Private Taylor?"

The young man lowered his voice. "Iris Wagner, sir – she's awake."

His chair scraped the floor; he was on his feet in an instant. "Wagner?"

"Yes, sir."

"Cancel my appointment with Corporal Schmidt," he said. "I will meet with him tomorrow morning."

"But-"

"See it done, Taylor." He had neither the time – nor the patience – to discuss the matter further. Before his assistant could object, Erwin donned his jacket and left the room. His priorities were skewed, but he didn't care; Iris had been comatose for weeks.

He heard the commotion as soon as he entered the hospital wing. To his surprise, several occupied beds lined the hallway. Erwin could only assume that it was a precaution. The wails emanating from the intensive care unit put him ill at ease.

The scene that awaited him was upsetting. At first, he hardly recognized the pale, emaciated girl in Frederick's arms. Iris was a husk of her former self.

"Shh…it's alright. I've got you." Fred cradled her fragile body with utmost care. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice his friend standing in the doorway.

When the attending physician arrived, he almost collided with Erwin. "Excuse me." The man sidled past, completely unfazed. The only comment he made was, "This is a private matter. Please wait in the lobby."

Fred peered across the room. Though he was glad to see Erwin, he was absolutely spent. "It's okay, Dr. Levitt. He's a friend."

"Fine." Levitt knelt beside him and withdrew a syringe from his pocket. "Hold her still, Frederick."

Iris screamed, unable to form intelligible speech. She was agitated and wildly unpredictable. If left unchecked, she could injure herself or someone else.

The doctor worked quickly. He swabbed the injection site, uncapped the needle, and plunged it into Iris' arm. Another cry left her lungs as he administered the sedative.

"There now…it's alright." Without missing a beat, Dr. Levitt plucked the kerchief from his breast pocket and offered it to Fred. Quietly, he said, "Why don't you step out for a while. I'll see to her in the meantime."

Fred used the heel of his palm to wipe his eyes instead. "Okay," he replied. "I…I'll get some air."

"It'll do you good." Dr. Levitt gathered the weary girl in his arms and carried her off to bed. "We can discuss next steps when you're ready."

Erwin felt like an outsider. As much as he wanted to step in, he knew it wasn't his place. All he could do was offer advice and words of affirmation. "Fred," he called, "I'll walk with you."

"I'd like that," he murmured. "Thank you for coming."

The clock in Erwin's study chimed eleven. He had been sitting in the dark for the better part of an hour. In that time, he polished off the last of a 20-year-old bourbon and opened another. The bottle stared back at him as he considered one more drink.

He felt numb – or at least, most of him did. The steady throb between his thighs was the only exception. At the end of a particularly stressful day, Erwin unwound with a drink in one hand and his dick in the other. It was his dirty little secret – and over time, it became a conditioned response.

Erwin shifted uncomfortably, ever aware of his arousal. As much as he wanted to meet it, he could not bring himself to try. What he wanted most of all were a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Sighing, Erwin placed his crystal tumbler next to a stack of unfinished paperwork. He hadn't met his quota, but it hardly mattered now. He was too impaired to review – or sign off on – official documentation.

His thoughts drifted to Iris as he retired to the adjoining bedroom. He mourned the spry, plucky girl she used to be. Based on what he witnessed that morning, Erwin doubted that she would make a full recovery. Only time would tell; and as a man who lived every day like it was his last, patience did not come easily.

As time progressed, Iris began to show signs of improvement. It started with brief periods of consciousness. Those moments were spent conversing with hospital staff, patients, and family members. She hadn't had any visitors from the Survey Corps yet – but then again, most of them kept odd hours.

Iris could not remember the events that led to her injury. In fact, most of her memories about the 19th exterior scouting mission were unclear. They remained disjointed, jumbled like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

But there was one event that stood out among the rest. Whenever it crossed her mind, Iris sighed and touched her empty ring finger. Where was Calvin, and why hadn't he come to visit?

The next time her query came about, Frederick was unfortunate enough to receive it. He did not know what to say. Frankly, he assumed that Iris forgot about him. If there was a tactful way to approach the question, it eluded him now. "Iris," he murmured, taking her hand. "Do you remember the conversation we had with Dr. Levitt yesterday? About the expedition beyond wall Maria?"

"Yes," she replied. "Why?"

"He left out a few details." Fred sighed and ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "An abnormal Titan ambushed us on the way to Kehv. We…we didn't react in time." After a lengthy pause, he continued. "What I'm trying to say…is that Calvin never made it home."

"Never made it home?" A lump formed in the back of her throat. "I don't understand."

"Yes, you do." Fred broke eye contact as her eyes welled with tears. He couldn't bear to see her cry. "I'm sorry, Iris. I know how much you cared about him."

Silent tears rolled down her cheeks as she processed the news. She made no effort to hide the way she felt; there was no point in denying her feelings. "I'd like to be alone for a while," she whispered. "Can you come back tomorrow?"

He expected as much. Fred stood up and planted a kiss on her forehead. "Of course," he said. "I love you, Iris."

As soon as her brother left the room, Iris buried her face in a downy pillow. Calvin was gone. He was gone, and she had nothing to remember him by. She hugged the pillow close – pretending it was him – and cried until she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Iris was discharged from the hospital in early October. After a grueling seven-month program, she regained most of her cognitive function. What's more, she no longer needed leg braces to walk. It seemed that she was well on her way to recovery.

Some weeks back, an officer in the Survey Corps approached her about reenlistment. Iris agreed (much to Fred's chagrin) and scheduled her assessments straightaway.

Before they could be cleared for duty, discharged scouts had to undergo three trials. The first was a physical exam. After a glowing review from Dr. Levitt, headquarters signed off on it.

Her second obstacle was the ODM course. Fortunately, Hange volunteered to train her. They hadn't spent much time together since the accident, so Iris was excited to see them again.

Lastly, she needed to pass a psychiatric evaluation. That test concerned her most of all; it could make or break her career. As she regained her memories, Iris experienced symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Somehow, she managed to keep a lid on it around Frederick and Jenny. Iris had been living with them for little more than a week. It was a wonderful arrangement; she enjoyed spending time with Jenny and little Theo. Iris had even discovered a new hobby. She loved to cook (not that she was particularly good at it).

Just that morning, she helped her sister-in-law bake an apple pie. The kitchen still smelled of cinnamon and nutmeg. It was unusual to see such a delectable dessert outside of Wall Sina. Ingredients were expensive and hard to come by. As it sat cooling on the windowsill, Iris joined Jenny at the table.

"The pie smells amazing," she noted. "What's the occasion?"

"Didn't I mention?" Jenny wiped her hands on a dish towel. They were caked in flour. "We're having company tonight."

Iris folded her arms on the table. "Who is it?"

"Fred invited a friend from work," she explained. "His birthday is tomorrow, but we wanted to surprise him."

"I'll have to find something to wear." She hadn't worn proper clothing in ages. Most days, she traipsed around the house in a shift.

"You're about my size." Jenny threw the towel over her shoulder. "Tell you what – after I put Theo down for his nap, we'll take a look in my closet."

The dress fit like a glove. As Iris admired her reflection in the floor-length mirror, she heard the front door open. Fred, as always, was right on time. Theodore greeted him first, of course; his little squeals were unmistakable.

Iris descended the staircase a few minutes later. She was clothed in a white, tea length frock. Though it hugged her figure, the modest dress left justenough to the imagination. "I apologize," she said, stepping into the parlor. "What did I miss?"

"Wagner?"

Iris spun on her heel and came face-to-face with Erwin Smith. He must have been the guest of honor. Given their history, she couldn't help but smile. Somehow or another, they always managed to bump into each other. "Squad Leader Smith," she acknowledged. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Yes, it has." Erwin brought a glass of whiskey to his lips. "Fred tells me that you're reenlisting. Where are you in the evaluation process?"

"I passed my physical last week," she replied. "And on Sunday, I'm meeting Hange for a refresher on the ODM course."

Erwin raised his eyebrows. "Hange?"

"Yes. Why?" Iris leaned against the banister. "Is that a problem?"

He took another sip of whiskey. "Of course not. But if you'd like to start a day early, I can meet you tomorrow morning."

"I'd like that." Her fingers brushed over the hollow space between her collarbones. It was a self-soothing gesture. Though she was grateful for the opportunity, the thought of working with him made her nervous. "What time?"

He felt himself swell when Iris touched her neck. "Is six too early?"

"Not at all."

"Then it's settled, Wagner." Erwin finished his drink and led her into the parlor. "I expect you to be ready at six o'clock sharp."