A/N - I have A/N responses in an upcoming chapter I started writing this week. Not ignoring, I've responded. But it's a planned doc manager dedicated to an actual prompt that I started writing before this. This isn't a review led chapter. Ngl, a bit sad to break the neat wordcount of 24,400 words.
I felt compelled to write this, letting my heart take lead. I suppose this chapter may be more suited to A Love That Could Hold Up The World but it doesn't really have a plot.
*Set after F2, but I'm completely ignoring the idea that stayed in the forest, in this scenario she went back to Arendelle with Anna.*
Today, she would let the dust settle around her. Today, she would breathe in the floating debris. The window was too far away to let it out.
Make company with it. As she had with almost everything. Make company in the bed she lay in, and focus on the feeling of soft sheets and the smell of fresh linen. It's the closest feeling to a hug right now. It will have to do.
Make company with the potted plant that stands still in the corner. It has seen so much endured all her storms, and does so little. Her hot-headedness and cold greetings make for an unstable climate. The only life that hadn't perished in her presence, that wasn't suffering with her existence. She found routine in caring for it, on days when she felt talking to Sir Jorgenbjorgen was feeble or infantilizing, she could confide in the plant. She had read that it was good for them too, at least she could do one thing right.
Make company with the sunshine. The ever changing light travelling up the decorated wall, a gentle countdown that serves as close to a clock, when getting up to look at one is too much. The golden hour brings everything into a new view. A gift for the eyes. She made it through another day. Requiring little to not attention, Elsa and sunlight could be mere acquaintances one day, it didn't demand attention, it was bright enough to be heard regardless. Just like Anna. It being there was enough, knowing she was there was enough.
When darkness fell, she could lay in the safety of her bedroom, and let the stars sprinkle their light onto her until the dawn arrived. Peaceful, time could continue without her. She needn't do anything. A break from everything, something washed over her and flushed it all away. She was left with nothing, no joy, no fear. Her heart cemented, her bones turned stone. Elsa could lay for hours, letting the hours pass by. She was grateful for this feeling, any other needs she had could just switch off, as though the universe got the message that going through the motions of eating, hygiene, sleep, it was all so unnecessary, so minute in comparison to everything that happened around her. Finally, the world recognised that asking her to keep up with these rituals was a high demand. Her parents worried, of course they did. They were still functioning, so whilst their batteries drained they hadn't seen that Elsa's had long ago. Running on an empty tank was easier than one might expect. Anna was on overdrive, her rambling had always more than made up for social needs.
We are social beings. She had read long ago, it had stuck with her ever since. How the very essence of her being had in turn exiled her from the pack, depleting her of any chances to lead a healthy life as nature had intended. It had crushed her, initially. Reading on, we leak emotions to each other, we mirror and match each others feelings immediately and unconsciously. She let the emptiness fill her. The rising levels of salty water that had drowned her parents now fell from her eyes in the form of tears, dripping onto the pages that once again, solidifying her banishment. After all she had been through, all that she endured. She couldn't bring Anna down with her. The most empathetic person she knew, Anna would be like a sponge taking in mould, inhaling the toxicity and losing her light. As her sister, Anna would of course take it, and that's what made it worse. She wouldn't be able to stop it from happening, because Anna would simply not allow it to. They shared everything they could, stories, drawings and the traditional snowman. They had shared happiness, not sorrow. Once that boundary was crossed the dam would break and wipe out any and all signifiers of a happy life. She wouldn't be able to look at her parents the same way, and they were the greatest gift Anna could ever possibly have in this moment. The other side of the door, their laughter, their mother-daughter moments that Elsa could never possibly have. Their twin outfits and craft days, their adventures across skies and staircases. With acceptance came the calm.
Anna was the antibody in a plagued creation. Who had survived the worst days, and was living proof of good when to Elsa it seemed near impossible. Anna had been baptised in the dirt, Elsa, had made her grave. The other side of the door was a mystery, planks of wood with floral paint, two worlds stuck on either side, moving in parallel to each other. Two very different lives, and two very different girls.
The door was too far away to open. She would leave it closed to keep from hearing the outside world. The harsh sounds of happiness, how staggered and jolty a roar of laughter could be, the rhythmic sound of foosteps passing her door dutifully urging to get moving, to not just be, but to do. No, she didn't want to do that.
Closing her eyes, she could build a dream of her own. The softness in each breath she took could almost be tuned out. Her efforts maximised into keeping intrusive thoughts at bay. Days such as today, when her brain wouldn't obey, she would turn off completely. Shutting down, her glassy eyes fixed onto a mark on the wall. She didn't need any input from the outside world, she was sorting through too much as it was. Change the channel, Elsa. Sometimes it worked, other times she went through every bad thing that had ever happened. A script she read through routinely, at the very least it was familiar. She didn't load herself with tackling anything new. It was the best of a bad bunch.
Anna had told her that her powers were a gift. The optimist. She was supposedly born from good. A reward, She was special. Special? Strange was better suited to describe her. Special was so positive. And that just didn't align with her.
It's my fault, they were looking for answers about me.
Blowing the birthday candles had set the cake on fire. Seven feet deep? The world had been cruel, dragging her parents deeper and much father. They were unreachable. They couldn't come home. She had sent them to their deaths.
You're not responsible for their choices, Elsa.
The discovery of what happened in the shipwreck had instantaneously increased the tally of people she had hurt by two. Arendelle civilians had declared Anna's death on the fjord through the tears that streamed down their faces, Kristoff's stunned silence had said more than Elsa could manage. The only sound that wrecked through her was a heartbroken cry, pain striking every nerve on her body, bringing her to her knees. She was so cold.
Now, she was retroactively re-examining her grief. It hurts more the second time.
The tally was in their hundreds, maybe even thousands. She was the crash site, her family had suffered the most by being closest in proximity. But she had forced people out of their homes, she had ignited an evolutionary fear of the unknown that was unmatched. There was no past example that could be used to reassure people things would be okay. She was the only one, and she was far from okay and by no means in control. No amount of ice skating rinks and pretty light displays would take away what she had done. The ripple effects of her explosion continued long into the aftermath. Forgiven, but not forgot. The version of herself she was most afraid of would forever live in the minds of residents of her kingdom. Every outing, every greeting, she would never not be associated with that day.
So today she would let the dust settle. Today she would find company in solitude, the safest of all places. Defused and desensitized, Elsa allowed herself to be a shell of who she was to physically make it through the day.
She just had to wait for the sun to rise.
A/N - I am slowly working through the other chapters for BHH and FID. Sorry for the long wait.