Hello all, I'm back with an update. I hope you're enjoying the story. This one is a bit of a long chapter, but I hope you like it.
Resuscitation in the rear Compartment
Rodney stood at the back of the jumper, watching with his heart in his throat as Carson and his team worked on reviving John.
They'd made it back through the gate, he'd managed to retract the drive pod and Sam had thought of blowing the rear hatch, which Lieutenant Boman had done after pushing Rodney through the gate without warning, and the bug had been sucked out into space. So, they were back and everything should have been fine, but it wasn't, because John was still lying on the floor of the jumper with no heart beat.
Elizabeth, Jack and Sam ran into the back of the jumper, looking from John to Rodney to Lieutenant Boman in concern.
"Are you all right?" Sam asked Rodney worriedly as Jack enquired about Lieutenant Boman, who was thankfully fine, and Elizabeth watched John being revived.
Rodney couldn't answer her. He was fine physically, nothing had latched onto his neck and started sucking his life out, but if John's heart didn't start beating again soon, he was pretty sure his would stop too. Sam's arm wrapped around him and he held her back tightly as they watched Carson and his team work.
"Well done, Rodney," Elizabeth praised, coming over to stand with them.
"We'll see," Rodney replied, knowing his voice sounded as dead as his heart was starting to feel. None of what he'd achieved that day would mean anything if John didn't come back.
Please, John, please don't go.
There was a faint beep on the monitor, but it was gone as suddenly as it had started.
Come on, John, please come back.
Carson shocked John again -and of course his body didn't jump because in real life that doesn't happen, it's pretty dull actually, the machine just makes a noise- and the monitor started to beep again, only this time it kept beeping. Rodney held his breath as Carson checked the rest of John's obs, only releasing it when the Scottish man finally announced that John was going to be all right.
Rodney released Sam and dropped down onto one of the seats in the back of the jumper, burying his face in his hands. He wanted to curl up into ball and cry from crushing pain and debilitating relief, but of course he couldn't, not here. He took several long deep breaths and pulled himself together as best he could, then he followed the medical staff as they wheeled John to the infirmary, Teyla, Jack and Sam following along with him.
Jack could only stay for so long; he was the chief military officer after all. He got a full rundown of what had happened and a complete report from Carson about John and Alice, before placing a strong, reassuring hand on Rodney's shoulder and congratulating him on a job well done, then leaving the room to get back to work.
The others stayed with Rodney until John roused enough to let them know he was really okay before promptly passing out again, then Sam headed out to get dinner and promised she'd bring Rodney something to eat and Teyla headed up to her room to shower. Rodney couldn't move, he knew John hadn't been awake enough to really process anything earlier and he wanted to be there when he woke up properly.
He sat beside the bed for what felt like hours, his mind whirling with everything that could have happened that day, until he heard John stir again and he looked up to see the man's beautiful green eyes open and looking at him worriedly.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Rodney asked sitting forward and touching John's hand gently.
"Are you okay? Are the others okay?" John asked worriedly.
"We're all fine," Rodney assured him, squeezing his hand gently.
"The bug, is it gone?" John asked, his other hand flying up to touch his neck where the thing had been latched on.
"Yeah, it got sucked out into space," Rodney assured him and John looked at him concernedly.
"Do I even want to know how that happened?" he asked.
"Not at the moment, I'll tell you all about it tomorrow," Rodney assured him. "Just focus on you right now, okay," he said knowing the worry would be showing in his voice even though he was trying to hide it. "Carson says you're going to be just fine and there won't be any lasting effects from today, but you need to rest, your body has been through a lot. Leave the details to the rest of us for now, we're handling them."
John's hand that he'd been touching turned over to grasp Rodney's, and he looked Rodney over concernedly.
"You sure you're all right?" He asked.
"I'm fine," Rodney replied, hoping the lie wasn't too obvious. John studied him shrewdly and Rodney couldn't hold his gaze, he looked away, fighting back tears.
"Rodney-"
"Major Sheppard, it's nice to see you awake," Carson's arrival interrupted whatever John was going to say and Rodney took that interruption to try and get himself back under control, at least somewhat. "Your test results are all looking promising, but you took a wee bit longer than I'd have liked to resuscitate and we've obviously never come across this creature before, so I'd like to keep you here overnight just to keep an eye on you. I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but I'm sure you can also understand."
"It's fine, doc, thanks," John replied with an amiable smile.
Carson nodded, patting John on the leg, "It's good to have you back, lad. Would you like me to organise something for you to eat?"
"That would be great thanks," John agreed easily and Carson nodded, giving John a friendly smile before he walked away. Rodney didn't look up straight away, but he could feel John's gaze on him and the Major squeezed his hand gently. "Rodney, look at me," he said softly and Rodney shook his head.
"I'm sorry, you were the one that got hurt today, not me, I should be fine and I am, I just …" he trailed off and sighed shaking his head again. "No, I'm not. Having to be fiddling with the jumper rather than helping Teyla and Boman try to get the bug off you was horrible, and watching Carson resuscitate you was brutal," he admitted. "I'm sorry, I should be handling this better-"
"Rodney," John interrupted him, squeezing his hand again. "You don't need to be handling this any better, this isn't the kind of situation you're used to being in, and even if it were, seeing a friend go through something like that is always going to be hard. It's perfectly okay to not be okay right now, if our positions were reversed, I wouldn't be and I'm used to dealing with this sort of life and death situation."
Rodney squeezed John's hand back, closing his eyes against the tears. "I was scared that you weren't going to come back," he admitted shakily. "I kept watching the monitor and it was just a flat line for so long … I hated that sound."
"I know. I used to do med-evacs, I hate that sound too," John replied quietly. "Rodney, look at me."
Rodney did as he asked this time, blinking back the tears that still wanted to come. John's beautiful green eyes were full of warmth and understanding and he smiled softly at Rodney, "Thank you for saving us all. It might have been hard for you not to be able to help with the bug, but if you hadn't worked out the drive pod we never would have gotten back through and we'd all be dead now, so thank you, you're brilliant, Rodney," he said quietly.
Rodney returned the smile weakly. "You're welcome, but if you could perhaps not get a killer bug attached to your neck again, I'd take it as a personal favour," he said, in a half joking tone and John's smile widened.
"No promises, but I'll do my best," he replied.
Rodney's gaze roved over John's achingly handsome face, assuring himself that John really was okay, before settling on his beautiful green eyes. John's expression morphed from jovial to warm and he looked back at Rodney with a soft smile. His fingers tightened around Rodney's hand and Rodney returned the gesture.
"Rodney, I-"
"All right, Major, it's time for you to have some dinner and get some more rest and, Rodney, it's time for you to go and do the same," Janet's arrival interrupted whatever John was going to say. "I know you wanted to wait to see John awake, but you've seen him now, it's time for you to go."
"All right I'll go soon," Rodney agreed, knowing Janet was impossible to reason with when she was in bossy doctor mode.
"No, now. You haven't let the infirmary since you got back, you need to go and eat before your blood sugar gets too low, and you need to shower and rest. We'll look after the Major. On your way now."
Rodney wanted to argue, but he knew Janet well enough to know that if he didn't do what she wanted she'd call Teal'c down here to make him.
"All right, fine," he said with an annoyed sigh, turning back to look at John apologetically. "Sorry, I'll come back and see you tomorrow," he promised.
John smiled understandingly, although Rodney could see the disappointment in his eyes. "It's okay, you need to go and eat, I didn't realise you hadn't yet. Thanks again for saving my ass, I'll see you tomorrow," he said warmly.
Rodney smiled back and squeezed his hand one more time before standing up and heading for the door. When he got there he paused and turned to look back at John. A nurse, probably the prettiest one on the expedition, placed a tray of food down in front of him with a sweet smile, then turned her attention to the dressing on his neck. Rodney watched as she pulled it away, stroking John's neck gently with her fingers as she did and Rodney squashed down the jealousy that immediately snarled to life inside him.
He walked out of the room before he could say or do something stupid, not wanting to see the way John reacted to the woman's attention. He had to get over this; John was his friend, his straight friend, eventually he was going to be attracted to someone and Rodney couldn't be snarling that person's head off whenever they touched him.
He had to stop loving John, but how was he supposed to do that? John was perfect, he was a walking aphrodisiac and Rodney wanted him so much; how was he supposed to not love him?
He met Sam and Jack in the corridor on his way to the mess hall, Sam had been on her way to bring him food. He explained that Janet had kicked him out of the infirmary and Jack and Sam looked at him in understanding and sympathy. They told Rodney they were on their way down to check on John and Rodney nodded, bidding them goodnight and thanking Sam for the food then heading for his room.
When he got there, he found his and John's bags from the mission sitting outside their doors. He picked them up and waved himself into the room, leaving the bags by the door. He rushed through a shower, getting himself thoroughly clean but not wasting time on anything else. When he was out he threw on some warm clothes, grabbed his sleeping bag and took it out onto the balcony, folding it up against the glass door and sitting down to eat his food, knowing he needed it even though he didn't want it. As he ate the food, barely tasting it, his mind travelled back a couple of days, to the night where they'd been talking about their lives out on the deck and he'd fallen asleep on John.
It had been the first night that he could ever remember where he didn't even stir, until the following morning when John woke him up. He'd been mortified when he'd opened his eyes and seen the Major leaning over him, explaining that they'd fallen asleep out on the deck and they needed to get up for breakfast. He'd immediately remembered John holding him and how content and comfortable he'd felt. He'd remembered relaxing into the major's arms, allowing himself to enjoy the embrace as long as it would last; he just hadn't been expecting it to last as long as it had. He'd thought for sure John would pull away after a minute or so; but he hadn't.
Rodney had obviously been too relaxed. He'd realised he was getting tired when John put on his song, but he'd been sure that as soon as it was over he'd rouse himself and get up to head to bed. He hadn't been anticipating John's iPod playing a Johnny Cash song next; the man really was the best sedative ever, Rodney didn't even remember falling asleep.
He'd apologised profusely, but John had just smiled warmly and told him not to worry about it, assuring Rodney that they'd both fallen asleep and he shouldn't feel bad. Rodney still felt silly for doing it, but John acted like it was nothing so Rodney hadn't said anything about it again … he'd certainly thought about it though.
He closed his eyes, letting the memory of that night wash over him. John had been facing Rodney but Rodney had still been facing out towards the ocean, so Rodney hadn't had the joy of feeling all of John's body pressing against his like he had the first night they'd arrived in Atlantis, but John's strong arms wrapping around him had still felt amazing and that angle had made it so easy for Rodney to rest his head on John's shoulder and breathe in the man's incredible scent. God he smelled so good, so masculine and strong; it made Rodney delightfully light headed and calm at the same time.
Rodney could never remember a time in his life where he'd been so content; John meant everything to him.
The happy, content memory shattered like a broken mirror as Rodney remembered that he'd nearly lost him today. He put his tray down on the ground beside him and curled up on the sleeping bag, wrapping his arms around himself as the tears began to fall. He'd been so horrified when he'd seen that thing attached to John's neck, so frustrated when there was nothing he could do to help get it off, so scared when they'd stopped John's heart and it wouldn't start again in the jumper and so devastated when Carson had been resuscitating him and it wasn't working.
Rodney sobbed into his knees, letting all the horror of the day bleed out of him.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been crying like that when he felt someone sit down beside him and a hand came to rest gently on his arm, stroking softly. He knew who it was then, he recognised that hand well. "It's okay, amico, I know today was horrible, but everyone's okay," Sam's soothing voice said.
"He died, Sam, they had to kill him in the back of that jumper and then he wouldn't come back," Rodney sobbed. "And there was nothing I could do but watch and fiddle with the crystals in the back of the jumper like a bumbling child. What if Carson hadn't been able to bring him back? He would have been gone forever and there was nothing I could do."
"I know, Rodney, I know how that feels," Sam said gently. "It's so hard when there's nothing you can do to help someone you care about, but you did everything you could to get your team home and if you hadn't, whether or not Carson could have brought John back would have been irrelevant. You can't lose sight of that."
"I know … it just doesn't feel like it matters when I could have lost him anyway," Rodney replied and Sam's hand came up to gently stroke his hair.
"I know it doesn't," she said understandingly.
The tears eventually stopped and Rodney sat up, wiping his eyes and leaning back against the glass behind him. Sam sat beside him, looping an arm through his and leaning her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry today was hard for you, but you did an amazing job," she said quietly.
"Thanks," Rodney replied. "And you too, that was a good idea to blow the rear hatch."
"Well, I couldn't let you die out there, I'd miss you too much," she said nuzzling his shoulder lightly. "And besides, I couldn't let you have all the good ideas today," she added jokingly and he chuckled wetly.
"No, we couldn't have that," he agreed with a small smile.
Sam looked up at him, "I know you're in love with him, Rodney, have you worked it out yet?" she asked.
"Yeah, a little while go," Rodney replied.
"He doesn't know?" Sam asked.
"No and he's not going to," Rodney replied.
"Why not?" Sam asked.
"Because he's straight and the closest friend I've ever had, aside from you of course but I know I don't have to tell you that, we're unbreakable." Sam nodded against his shoulder. "It would kill me to lose his friendship, Sam, he means so much to me," Rodney explained.
"I don't know, Rodney, are you sure he's straight? I mean he doesn't come across as gay, but then neither do you, not everyone does and you know that as well as anybody. Have you asked him?" Sam asked.
"No," Rodney admitted, "But even if he weren't I doubt he'd admit it, not with DADT being a thing."
"You're not military," Sam reminded him.
"I doubt it would matter. If you were at risk of losing everything, would you trust anyone with a secret like that?" Rodney asked.
"I'd trust you," Sam replied.
"But you've also known me forever and you know the truth about me as well, that makes it easier," Rodney reminded her.
She sighed. "I get that, but, Rodney … I honestly think he has feelings for you too. I mean have you seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you? Talk to anyone like he talks to you? Even with the group he's polite and friendly, but it's not hard to see he's also really closed off. The other night when Vala and Jennifer were all over him he didn't seem at all interested in them or their attention, when he sat down at the table, he was looking for you."
"That's because they were making him uncomfortable, he told me," Rodney said.
"And how many straight, single men do you know who would be uncomfortable with two hot women throwing themselves at them?" Sam asked.
"He's not good with new people, he's told me that," Rodney explained.
"And I get that, but don't you think he'd be at least a little bit flattered or enjoying the attention somewhat?" Sam asked. "The women on this base aren't blind, Rodney, they've noticed John and they know he's single, I'm sure more than one of them have at least given him the eye by now. but is he dating anyone? No, he's spending all of his time with you."
"Sam we've barely had time to eat and sleep with all the set up the city has required," Rodney reminded her.
"I get that, but here's another question to consider; just how much of that set up have you really needed John's help for and how much of it has he just volunteered to do because it helped you?" Sam asked.
"I … don't honestly know, I've been too busy to think about it," Rodney admitted.
"Well, maybe you should give it some thought," Sam said with a pointed look. "I love you, amico, you're my very best friend, my family, I want to see you happy. Just think about it, okay, pay a bit more attention to John and see what you learn, it might surprise you."
"There's still DADT," Rodney reminded her.
"We live up in a tower with only the people we know and trust, no one up here is going to dob on you," Sam reminded him. "Don't go out of your way to throw walls up, start thinking of solutions instead, give yourself the best chance of being happy. I'm not going to bang on about this forever, just think about it, okay."
"Okay," Rodney agreed and Sam nodded.
"So, on a different note, John's stuck in the infirmary and Jack's working late, what are we going to do?" Sam asked.
Rodney thought about it. "Want to watch a movie?"
"Sure, what were you thinking?" Sam asked.
"Chocolat? I feel like a comfort movie," Rodney replied.
"Sure, should we run down to the mess hall and get some snacks first?" she asked.
"Yeah," Rodney agreed, you couldn't watch Chocolat without snacks.
The two of them got up and Rodney grabbed his tray to take back to the mess hall. He was about to leave the room, but then he thought of something and headed back over to where he'd put John's things after the mission.
"What's up?" Sam asked.
"I want to take John's iPod down to him," Rodney explained. "If he needs to be stuck in the infirmary, he can at least have his music. He grabbed John's charger as well, it would be pointless to take him the iPod if it was just going to go flat.
Sam smiled at him, "You're so sweet, Rodney; I hope he appreciates how great it is to have you as a friend," she said and he gave her a grateful smile before they walked out of the room.
"You know the best thing about this place?" Sam asked.
"What?" Rodney asked.
"That I can live with Jack and practically live with you too," Sam replied with a bright smile. "That was the only downer about Jack and I moving in together, I missed you. Now I don't have to anymore."
"Yay Atlantis," Rodney replied, returning her grin. She was right, that was a great part about being here; he'd missed her too.
They headed to the mess hall and found some fun snacks to eat with the movie, Rodney snagging some extra pudding cups and a spoon to give to John when they went through the infirmary. On the way out of the mess hall they ran into Jennifer and Jeanie who asked what they were up to. When they explained their movie plan the other two were eager to join in, and since Vala wasn't around Rodney was happy to let them, especially when they offered to help with his plan to smuggle supplies into John in the infirmary.
On the way back up to the tower they went to the infirmary, Jennifer and Jeanie distracting Janet while Rodney snuck in to where John was lying in his infirmary bed with his eyes closed.
Staying low Rodney snuck around to the side of the bed that Janet couldn't see and reached up for John's hand, slipping the iPod into it. John's eyes opened and he looked over the side of the bed, grinning when he spotted Rodney. Rodney grinned back and put his finger up to his lips which made John's grin widen and he nodded just enough for Rodney to see. Rodney then passed up a charger for the iPod, and two of the butterscotch puddings he'd stollen from the cafeteria along with a spoon.
John's look turned warm and he squeezed Rodney's hand gently, his eyes screaming gratitude. Rodney returned his smile squeezing his hand back, wishing he was brave enough to kiss it, before mouthing 'goodnight' and slipping out of the room. He snuck back past Janet and paused at the door to smile at John, who was looking at him with a mixture of amusement and gratitude. He gave the man one last smile and slipped out into the corridor.
He and Sam waited around a bend for the others and when they emerged a few minutes later they all headed back to the command tower. They ended up in Jeanie and Jennifer's room rather than back in Rodney's, at the girl's request, and it turned out that while Rodney and Sam had been busy setting everything up, Jennifer and Jeanie had used their free time to build themselves a makeshift couch; although Rodney had no idea where the cushion parts had come from.
Before they started the movie Jeanie and Jennifer sat down beside him and took a hand each. "We're sorry about the other day," Jennifer said sincerely. "We just wanted to get to know John and we didn't realise we were getting carried away. I mean, he is … really hot, but I wasn't actually meaning to flirt that much."
"And I should have deflected her and Vala a bit better. We're sorry, Rodney, we weren't trying to upset you or hurt your feelings," Jeanie said apologetically. "We really want to see you happy."
Rodney nodded, "I appreciate that, thank you for the apology," he replied. Of course he was going to forgive them, they were family.
"Are you going to ask him out?" Jennifer asked.
"Can we not talk about this tonight?" Rodney asked. "I'm tired, I just want to enjoy a movie and go to bed."
They both opened their mouths to say something else but quickly shut them again, and one glance over at Sam told Rodney why. He squeezed her hand in gratitude and she squeezed back before leaning forward to put on the movie.
So, Rodney spent the evening sitting on the couch, around Jeanie's laptop, watching Chocolat, grateful to have a tame evening with the three of them. It had been a while since he could say he'd had that and he missed it; he really should talk to them about it.
When the movie was over Sam flicked it off and when they were all done stretching Rodney spoke. "Guys, I don't want to sound mean, but since you've met Vala you've been a bit … difficult to be around. I know you aren't meaning to be, but could you maybe try and be a bit more aware of your behaviour when you're with her. She's so overbearing and when you're with her … you're kind of the same. I love you both and I want to be able to enjoy your company like we used to, but I can't when you're like that; does that make any sense?" he asked, trying to be as nice as possible.
Jeanie and Jennifer exchanged a look before looking over at Rodney and Sam, "Really? Have we been that bad?"
"Yes," Sam replied bluntly.
"You made John really uncomfortable the other day. Not everyone likes their space invaded or likes to have people hanging all over them," Rodney explained.
"Plus, you're both in positions of authority here, you're both department heads. It's one thing to play up when you're back in your rooms in the tower, but around the other staff you really need to be a bit more professional," Sam reminded them.
They both looked suitable chastened.
"All right, we understand and we're sorry," Jeanie said. "You are right we need to be more professional around the other staff. We'll make more of an effort and we'll tell Vala she needs to tone it down a bit too."
"Good luck with that one," Sam said sarcastically.
They finished the night off with some lighter conversation then headed off to bed. Rodney bid goodnight to Sam at her door then headed back to his, waving his hand over the door release and walking into the room that was far too quiet and felt far too empty. He knew he should go to sleep, his mind was exhausted after the day he'd had, but it was so hard to even imagine going to sleep without John and Johnny Cash for company.
He was mulling over what he should do when the bed frames that they still hadn't time to do anything with caught his eye and he decided to put them together; it wouldn't be too much for his tired mind but it would give his restless hands something to do.
It was a little tricky to keep the pieces still, but eventually he had two completed bed frames. He moved them both to one end of the room, figuring John could move his when he got back, if he wanted to. The packages had also turned out to have bedside tables in them, so Rodney made them up as well and pushed them up to either side of the beds. He put the mattresses on the beds and made them both up properly, including the coverlets. When he was done he sat down on his bed, feeling beyond tired, but still knowing he'd struggle to sleep.
He crawled into bed anyway and pulled the covers up over himself, thinking back to how he'd used to fall asleep before he met John. Really, he'd slept terribly before and he was more than aware of that, he just didn't realise how much his sleep had improved until now. Having John beside him was so soothing, feeling his presence nearby, the scent of him, being able to look at his beautiful face… god, Rodney loved him so much; how was he ever supposed to get over this?
Looking over at John's bed he considered borrowing the other man's pillow for the night, he could always tell John he'd grabbed the wrong one by accident because he was so tired … no, of course he couldn't, this was John's pillow and the man was as obsessive about the cleanliness of his space as Rodney was, that was one of the reasons they got on so well. He'd be horrified if he found out Rodney had been sleeping on his pillow, he couldn't do that.
Growling at himself about how pathetic he was, Rodney threw the blanket over his head and burrowed under it. He was a grown man damn it, he did not need someone else to put him to sleep.
For a moment he wondered whether John was having the same difficulty, but he dismissed it immediately; there was no way John was as pathetic as he was. He tossed and turned about on the bed until he finally fell into a fitful sleep, with no idea that on the other side of the city, John was lying in his infirmary bed, with Johnny Cash playing through his headphones and his own blanket over his head, growling to himself mentally about the same thing.
XX
John was released from the infirmary the following afternoon, with strict orders not to overdo it for the next couple of days. Rodney, who had been working all day but had managed to weasel out of Carson what time he thought John might be released, so had arrived just in time, walked with him to dinner.
"How did you go last night?" Rodney asked as they walked. "Did the noisy nurses keep you up all night?"
"A bit," John replied with a nod. "The Johnny Cash definitely helped, thank you very much for your little covert manoeuvre," he said with a grin.
Rodney chuckled, "You're welcome, it was a group effort, and it was fun."
"I'll have to thank the others for their assistance. How was your night? Get up to much?" John asked.
"Ended up watching a movie with Sam, Jeanie and Jennifer," Rodney replied. "It was nice to see two of JJJ without Vala, we actually had a nice time together and it gave us a chance to talk about their behaviour recently; they've agreed to tone it down a bit which is good. I also told them not to crowd you like that again because it made you uncomfortable, they apologised and agreed not to do it again."
"Thank you, I appreciate that," John replied, sounding relieved. "Did you sleep okay? You look a bit tired."
"Not overly, no," Rodney admitted. "It seems I missed my sedative," he added with a grin, not wanting to tell John that it was him he'd really missed.
"Ah, Johnny's gotten to you, has he?" John asked jokingly and Rodney laughed, thinking about how many ways he could decipher that comment and how the answer to all of them would be yes.
"Yep, I never stood a chance," he replied knowing that could be taken several ways and still be true as well.
"So, early night then?" John asked. "Grab dinner, take it back to the room, eat, listen to Johnny, pass out?"
"I don't think I could imagine a better plan if I tried," Rodney replied with a smile.
"And that's saying something with your incredible intellect," John replied, smiling back.
Rodney chuckled, "I can tell you I don't feel all that intelligent right now; I feel half braindead to be honest. I think yesterday and the lack of sleep last night, combined with the last couple of weeks, are really catching up to me."
"I think they're catching up to all of us. Elizabeth was talking about scheduling an off day or two soon and I think that would be a really good idea, if we don't want everyone to burn out," John said.
"I agree, we all need a break. I might bring it up with her tomorrow, as one of the CSO's," Rodney said thoughtfully.
"And I'll bring it up with her and O'Neill as well. We have that weekly staff meeting in the morning, we should mention it then," John suggested.
"You're right we do, good idea," Rodney agreed as they reached the mess hall. It was early still so thankfully there weren't a lot of people there. There were a few marines who waved to John and passed on their best wishes, but otherwise everyone left them alone which Rodney was grateful for. They grabbed their dinner and extra dessert and headed back to their room to eat.
When they walked through the door John stopped, looking surprised, and Rodney remembered that he'd put the beds together the night before.
"Oh, yeah, I did that last night when I couldn't sleep; I figured you'd be sick of sleeping on the floor by now," Rodney explained. "I wasn't sure where you'd want to put yours, so I just put them both up there until you could come back and decide what you wanted to do. I'm good with whatever."
John looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, "So it wouldn't bother you if I wanted to leave them where they are?" he asked.
"No, not at all," Rodney replied, surprised and thrilled by the answer.
"Okay good. I was just thinking having them both on the other side of the wall would be a good idea, that way if one of us wants to stay up later we can close the wall up and the person sleeping won't be disturbed. Same thing if one of us wants to be up earlier in the morning," John said.
"So, the first one would be me and the second one would be you," Rodney said with a grin and John chuckled.
"Probably," he agreed.
"Well I think that's a good idea, it also means I don't lose my sedative," he added thinking of John himself as well as Johnny Cash.
"Another benefit, yes," John agreed. "So, do you want to eat outside?"
"I took my sleeping bag out last night to sit on since we don't need them for sleeping anymore, it made it a lot more comfortable," Rodney told him.
"Good plan," John agreed, grabbing them both on the way out the door.
They folded them up on the floor in front of the glass doors and sat down to eat.
"So I was thinking, we should make that music trading we did the other night a regular occurrence. Maybe choose one band per week and play a different one of their songs for each other each night, give us a chance to get to know each other's music taste a little better. What do you think?" John asked.
"I think it sounds like a great idea," Rodney agreed. "Hang on a sec." He put his tray down and headed back into the room to grab his iPod. He came back out a few moments later and sat back down, studying his song list. "I might pick another Cold Play Song tonight, since we're basically at the start of a new week already and I only played one."
"Okay," John agreed easily as Rodney scrolled through his iPod. He chose the Scientist and set it to play while they were eating.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Rodney listened to the lyrics as he ate, thinking about how some of them actually related really well to how he felt about John. He looked over at the Major when it was over, waiting for his verdict. He looked lost in thought for a moment, then he turned to Rodney and nodded. "I liked the singing and the music better in Clocks, but I liked the lyrics far more in this one."
"Me too," Rodney agreed. "It's called the Scientist, which I like. I've actually heard a different version of it that a group did a few years after this one came out and I think they sang it better. I'll have to see if I can find it for you one day. What about you? Are you going to choose something else by the Black Sorrows?"
John nodded, pulling his iPod out of his pocket where he still had it from the previous day and looked until he found a song. "It's called Chained to the Wheel, it's quite a catchy song," John explained and started it playing.
Know what you really need, but you can't get enough
Too many mouths to feed, well ain't life tough
Call this survival, don't pray for a sign
Know what you really want, you can't get it back
Down on the waterfront, now watch out Jack
Nights on the main line and rust on the rail
I see them swindle this town
I've seen them tumble it down
I've seen red rivers, fire and steel
I feel the thunder chained to the wheel
Know what you mean to me, goes deeper than that
Can't fight your destiny, know where it's at
Don't look for lightning or pray for a sign
I see them swindle this town
I've seen them tumble it down
I heard the legend, I watched the skies
I feel the power, the flame in your eyes
I've seen red rivers, fire and steel
I feel the thunder chained to the wheel
Wheel
Chained to the wheel
Chained to the wheel
Know what you really need, you can't get enough
Too many mouths to feed, ain't life tough
Call this survival, don't pray for a sign
I see them swindle this town
I've seen them tumble it down
I've seen red rivers, fire and steel
I feel the thunder chained to the wheel
I heard the legend, I watched the skies
I feel the power, the flame in your eyes
I've seen red rivers, fire and steel
I feel the thunder chained to the wheel
Wheel
Chained to the wheel
Chained to the wheel
Rodney grinned when it was over, "You're right, that is catchy," he agreed. "A lot more up-beat and energetic than Johnny."
John chuckled, "Well let's face it, that wouldn't be hard."
"No, you're right it wouldn't," Rodney agreed.
They trailed off into silence, both of them looking out at the ocean for a while. When John spoke again, his question surprised Rodney, "Why don't you like your arms?"
Rodney blinked a few times, surprised John even remembered that comment from the other night. He hadn't actually considered having to answer that particular question and he wasn't sure how truthful he should be. "Well, I ah …" he glanced over at John to see the Major watching him intently and knew that he wouldn't be able to lie without John knowing about it. "I don't really like a lot of me," he replied honestly. "I'm too pale, I don't tan at all I just burn and my skin is … hideously fair. I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it so I just … keep it covered so no one else has to see it," he admitted, picking absently at the end of his long sleeved shirt.
John was silent for several moments and Rodney didn't dare look at him, frightened of what he'd see on the other man's face.
"Rodney that's … there's nothing wrong with your skin; being fair isn't a bad thing," John said eventually.
"There's fair and then there's pasty," Rodney replied. "And I am not the kind of fair that is attractive, I'm the kind of fair that is … far too fair."
"Why would you ever think that?" John asked.
"Because I've heard it plenty," Rodney replied, still not looking up.
"From who?" John asked.
"Does it matter?" Rodney asked in return.
"Yes, because if it was the horrible bullies at your school they were just being jealous assholes who were trying to drag you down and if it was anyone here, then they were just being jealous assholes too and I'll make them apologise," John replied and Rodney almost laughed at the image of John grabbing someone on Atlantis and dragging them to Rodney's lab to apologise for insulting him.
"It wasn't anyone here, everyone'd been too busy to be thinking about insulting anyone else. Yes, it was bullies at school, but there were other people too," he admitted, trying not to think about Chase and the other horrible things he used to say to Rodney.
"Well, whoever it was, was a dick and they were wrong," John replied sounding annoyed. "There's nothing wrong with your skin Rodney, it's lovely, you shouldn't be running around all the time in long sleeved shirts just because some assholes wanted to make you feel bad about yourself."
Rodney fought off the blush that wanted to rise in his cheeks; John thought his skin was lovely? No, of course he didn't, he was just trying to be a good friend and make Rodney feel better.
"You don't believe me, do you?" John asked when Rodney didn't reply.
"Maybe," Rodney replied, not wanting to insult John by saying no.
John shook his head. "Look, I bet you anything that if you spent a day on the base in a short sleeved shirt no one would say anything bad about you, in fact, I reckon you'd be surprised by the amount of positive attention you got, particularly from the women on base."
Rodney looked down, wondering if there was any way to say he didn't want their attention without giving away to John that he was gay. He shook his head, folding his arms across his chest.
"Thank you for trying to be nice, but …"
"No, don't do that, this is not me being nice, this is me being honest," John interrupted him. "I have seen you without a shirt on, remember, I know what you look like and you're wrong. There is nothing negative about the way you look, not your skin, not your arms, none of it. You had your shirt off in front of a bunch of marines and I can promise you not a single one of them was talking about how pale you were afterwards. Honestly, you have nothing to feel bad about yourself for. You know what? I dare you to spend a day in a short sleeved shirt and see what happens?"
Rodney chuckled, "What is this, high school? I couldn't do that, John … I have terrible self-esteem already, I don't need it to be any worse."
John looked completely flabbergasted. "You have …" he trailed off and shook his head. "Okay, this is something you and I need to work on; there is no reason for you to have low self-esteem, none!"
Rodney sighed, shaking his head. "That's easy to say when you look like … that," he said, making a sweeping motion of his hand to encompass all of John.
He heard John sigh and Rodney looked over at him to see an annoyed and puzzled look on his face. "How can I help you not feel that way?" he asked.
"I don't think there's-"
"There is … we just have to work out how. You're my best friend, Rodney, I'm not going to let you get away with having low self-esteem, particularly when there's absolutely no reason for it." John interrupted, looking stern and Rodney shook his head, chuckling quietly.
"Well, how about we table this particular problem for now and come back to it later," Rodney suggested as if they were in a staff meeting and John laughed.
"All right, fine, but don't think you're getting out of this," John said, looking stern.
"Absolutely, not at all," Rodney agreed, mock seriously. He would do everything possible to get out of this. "Now I believe it's my turn to ask a question. What did you study at Stanford?"
"Advanced mathematics," John replied, "even sat a Mensa test when I was done."
"And did you pass?" Rodney asked curious.
"Yep."
"So did you join?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Can you imagine that going down well in the air force?" John asked. "I didn't feel like having 'nerd' screamed at me every day of basic training, or being relegated to the bottom of the pecking order just for being intelligent. It's why I will never let any of the soldiers beneath me do that to anyone else; I heard it plenty at school. I would have beat the tar out of that Captain the other day in the sparing room, except O'Neill pulled him up before I could."
Rodney grinned, glad to hear John wouldn't let the jocks get away with picking on the geeks. "Well, I appreciate that and I understand, although I like you even more now than I used to … and that was already a lot."
In actual fact John had just become even more irresistible to him; he was so totally fucked.
"What did you study?" John asked.
Physics and Mechanical Engineering," Rodney replied.
"So you could think up the solution and also build it," John replied with a smile and an understanding nod.
"Exactly." God stop being so damn perfect would you!
"My question. Biggest flaw?" Rodney asked, grasping at straws.
John looked thoughtful, "My defiance of authority," he replied, "Had it since I was a kid and it gets me into a lot of trouble. Also, my inability to connect with others. You?"
Nope nothing there.
"Actually, don't answer I already know, far too low self-esteem," John said with a look that challenged Rodney to disagree.
"Actually, the litany of horrible thoughts that run through my head almost every second of the day is probably worse," Rodney replied.
John's brow furrowed, "Okay, you'll need to explain that one."
Rodney thought about it. "Well, you know how I said my father is horrible?"
John nodded.
"Well, he is horrible to everyone, not just me. My entire life I had to hear his voice constantly criticising everyone and everything around him, and when you're a child and you hear those criticisms enough, they stick in your head and replay whenever the occasion arises. For example, the first time I met Daniel and he told me he was a doctor of archaeology, my first reaction was to laugh at him and tell him that archaeology isn't a science, certainly not worthy of a doctorate, then ask him why he didn't study a real science that could better the world rather than wandering around digging in the dirt and making up incorrect theories about bullshit," he explained.
John looked back at him in stunned silence for several moments and Rodney smiled wryly. "It's really not fun being in here."
"How …" John trailed off and Rodney tensed waiting for the other man's judgement. "How are you so nice when that's constantly in your head?" he asked, sounding completely flabbergasted and in awe at the same time.
"Because I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't be anything like him," Rodney replied. "And instead of saying the awful thing that immediately pops into my head, I stop and ask myself whether saying it is going to do anything for the other person or me. If the answer is no, I suppress the urge and either think of something else to say or I just stay quiet. It's one of the reasons Sam does all the talking when the IOA people are around, and if I absolutely have to talk to them I keep it brief and succinct."
"Wow, you … you never cease to amaze me, Rodney," John said, looking just as amazed as he sounded. "That can't be easy and yet you make it seem so effortless. I mean goodness knows that you thought of me the first time we met."
That you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
"There was nothing bad," Rodney admitted honestly. "I haven't thought anything bad about you since we met, it's one of the reasons it's so nice and easy being around you, my brain only thinks nice things and that's really rare. Everybody else is a lot more work … well, except Sam."
John's smile was blinding and Rodney allowed himself a moment to be proud of having been the person to put it there. "I only think good things about you too, Rodney," he said warmly.
Oh god, don't do that, you're making me want to kiss you even more than normal.
Rodney couldn't stop himself from smiling back, warmed by the Major's words. He may be terrified of doing something stupid in these quiet moments they shared, but damn it he wanted John to like him, he wanted it so badly.
They smiled at each other for the longest time and Rodney was getting sucked in to those far too beautiful eyes.
No, Rodney, look away … but I don't want to. How am I supposed to resist him?
"So, ah … what did you think the first time you saw me?" John's quiet voice asked.
God, how am I supposed to answer that?
"I … actually don't remember," he lied. "But it was nice. I know I was really relieved that you were alive and really impressed by your flying skills and I remember wondering how your hair was still doing that when you'd just taken off a helmet," he said, motioning to the top of John's head where the cowlicks made it randomly spike up in places.
John laughed and Rodney loved the sound so much.
"All the natural unruly nature of my hair," John replied, "even it doesn't like to do what it's supposed to, which makes sense since it's on my head. Damn nightmare it is."
"No, it's nice, if it was all just straight and lifeless it wouldn't suit you as well as it does," Rodney replied and John smiled warmly.
"See, you're so nice, I'm sure your father would have something mean to say about my disobedient hair, but you don't."
"It's not disobedient, it just has freedom of expression," Rodney replied and John laughed again. "And of course my father would, he has something negative to say about everything because he's a world class jerk, but if he did I'd just tell him to shut the hell up. What about you? What did you think of me when you first saw me?" he asked back, curious to know what John would say.
John looked thoughtful for a moment, then he replied. "That you stood out from everyone else in that bright orange fleece; everyone else was in boring, drab colours."
Rodney grinned, "Yeah I snagged that one as soon as I saw it," he replied, glad it had been useful in drawing John's attention. "I liked it so much I even brought it with me."
"Really? You should wear it when it gets cooler, it suited you," John said and Rodney's grin widened.
It was nice to know that John thought he looked good in the fleece, he'd make a point to wear it when it got cooler and John was around.
"Thanks, you look really good in the grey pants with the black t-shirt and the thigh holster," Rodney returned the compliment and John grinned.
"Oh, do I?" he asked.
"Ah, yeah, have you not noticed all the women on base checking you out when you strut around the city in that get up?" he asked. "Mind you, you're one of those lucky people who would look good in a sack so that shouldn't be surprising."
John laughed again, "A sack hey?"
"A sack," Rodney confirmed. "Put one on one day and wander around a bit, I guarantee you'll still have every woman on base fawning over you; like that nurse yesterday," he added, then mentally slapped himself.
"Well, maybe I need to ugly myself up a bit somehow because I'm not at all keen on all the attention I seem to be getting," John replied.
"Really? Not at all?" Rodney asked surprised.
"No, not at all," John confirmed. "If I want someone's attention I do things to get it, like endlessly annoying them in their lab."
Well, that's flattering, John wants my attention.
"Oh really? And whose attention have you been trying to get? Can't be mine, you don't annoy me," Rodney replied with a grin.
"I'll have to make an effort to be more of a pain then," John said, grinning back, and Rodney laughed.
"That's the thing about you, John, you aren't annoying. You're chronically nice, unobtrusive and intelligent, which means there's really nothing you can do to annoy me; you being around just makes me happier," Rodney said with a shrug.
He expected John to laugh or complain about his evil plot being foiled, but instead he was quiet and Rodney looked over at him, concerned that he might have said something wrong. John was looking back at him with an expression Rodney couldn't read and Rodney studied him worriedly. What had he said?
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked softly.
"Yeah, I just …" John trailed off, looking as if he were struggling to say something. "You really mean that don't you?"
"Mean what?" Rodney asked, wanting to know what it was that John seemed to be struggling with.
"That I don't annoy you and that me being around just makes you happier," John explained and Rodney nodded, still not sure what was going on in John's head. Had he said too much and given himself away? Was John freaking out about the idea of his friend possibly being gay?
"Of course I do," he replied, deciding to be honest no matter the consequences.
John looked down and Rodney was surprised to see a shy smile spread across his face, something he'd never expected to see on the highly trained military Major; it was damn adorable.
"That's … really nice, Rodney, thank you," John said quietly, as if Rodney's words really meant something to him.
Rodney wasn't sure how to respond, he felt completely out of his depth right now. He knew what he wanted to do of course, he wanted to hold the man, but he really didn't know how John would take that.
"I'm not used to things being so … easy," John continued. "All my friendships before now have been so much work, so hard to maintain, but things with you are just so easy. I keep expecting something to come along and make it hard, or that I'm going to do something to mess it up like I usually do, but somehow I haven't; you just seem to like me more and that's … really unusual for me."
Rodney reached over and took John's hand, smiling softly when John held his back.
"You have no idea how well I understand what you're saying," he replied. "The people around us are the only friends I've ever had. Sam is the only one who's ever stuck around for the long haul really, JJJ are friends too, but I honestly doubt they would be so close to me if we hadn't been through hell together. If we'd met in Antarctica like you and I did, we'd have exchanged a quick hello and that would have been it. The group from the SGC became my friends, but it was a lot of work, from both sides, and really only worked out so well because we were all working together towards something that constantly forced us together, so we had to get to be what we are, otherwise we all would have just gone crazy. You though, you're different, being around you is so effortless; you're interesting and you're fun and you're nice, and yes, I meant every word I said to you before. The more I see you the more I like you."
"Me too, for all of it," John replied, his smile turning warm.
Rodney returned that smile with his own and they shared that moment for a while before John said, "It's your turn to ask a question."
Rodney thought about it, he was getting tired and he wanted to end the evening on a less emotionally heavy note. "What's our favourite thing to do on Earth when you have a day off? Aside from your hobbies."
"Go to a carnival, eat hot dogs and cotton candy, drink far too much soda, play carnival games then ride the Ferris wheel as the sun is going down," John replied immediately. "What about you?"
"Go out for breakfast, take a drive somewhere quiet, like the mountains, have lunch somewhere beautiful, spend the evening watching a movie and playing cards/board games with friends. If there's a physics convention going on, visit that and mentally pick apart all the ideas I already know are wrong but can't tell anyone because of confidentiality. Spend some time solving the problems of the universe."
John grinned, "Sounds like a fun day."
"Yours too. If we ever have time back on Earth we should do those things together, you can take me to a carnival and show me what I've been missing and I'll show you my kind of good day off," Rodney suggested.
"You've never been to a carnival?" John asked incredulously.
"No, was never allowed when I was a kid and never had a reason to go as an adult," Rodney replied.
"Okay, that's just wrong, we definitely need to correct that," John replied adamantly. "Next time we're on earth I'm going to find a carnival to take you to and you can take me along to a physics convention."
"Oh, no, you don't have to come along to one of those, you'll probably die of boredom," Rodney said, not wanting John to feel like he had to do that for Rodney.
"No I won't, you'll be there, that's enough to make anything fun," John replied with a soft smile and Rodney smiled back at him warmly.
"You really are the nicest person in the world."
"Only to you," John replied, his smile warming.
"Me too," Rodney replied squeezing John's hand gently.
Damn he'd fallen hard!
But even if nothing could ever come of it, he would never wish this away, because it felt so amazing.
XX
End of chapter
So what did we think? Imagining Rodney performing covert manoeuvres to get John his iPod made me giggle my butt off. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear what you think, comments really brighten my day.