Hi everyone, for those of you who read my other story, The Fallout, you'll remember the cave monster. I originally planned him for that story, then as I was writing this one I realised I could use him to add to this story too and give more of a continuation to the story arc, so here he is. You'll recognise a lot of the dialogue from the other story if you've read it, but I've adapted it a lot to suit this story instead.
This chapter is a big of an angsty one, Rodney's feeling a little down after everything with John and Alice, then Rod showing up, but I hope you enjoy it.
All right here we go. I proof read this one a few days ago with only one eye working properly and gave it a quick proof read again tonight, I hope there are no big errors, although if you find any please let me know.
The Cave Monster
Well, it had finally happened, Rodney's worst fears had been realised; he'd been replaced.
He'd expected it to happen eventually, there was no way someone as amazing as John was going to want to be friends with him forever, and after finding out about Alice Rodney knew John mustn't care for him the way he'd thought he did. So he knew the day couldn't be far off; but he'd never expected to be replaced by himself.
As soon as he'd seen Rod, Rodney had known he was very different to him. He was cool and laid back, like John in Rodney's body and everybody loved him, particularly John.
At first he'd tried not to let it bother him that the others seemed so eager to spend time with Rod, after all they were bound to be curious about the other reality, but when he'd finally dragged himself away from the lab that evening and all of them had been crowded around the table listening to Rod regale them with stories of his life in the other reality, it made his heart sink. He was charismatic, friendly, confident, outgoing; everything Rodney wasn't. He'd done so many things Rodney would never have even imagined doing, and Rodney was sure everyone was comparing them and finding him lacking.
They all seemed to like him better, even Jeanie.
All of that had been bad enough, but when he'd gone the next several days barely seeing John at all, then found out he'd been hanging out with Rod, playing golf out on the pier which he'd never even suggested doing with Rodney, that had been what really destroyed him. He knew then that not only would he never have John's love, but that he was replaceable to John as a friend as well; that thought killed him.
Rodney had spent every waking second working out how to get the Galatian portal working again, which is where Rod had come from. Apparently he'd already done it in the other reality, hence why Rod had wandered through, and was thankful that it was as simple to start as Rodney and Sam had originally thought it would be. Finding the right reality to send Rod back to had been the trickier part. Rod had actually been rather helpful in that regard, producing a device he'd found near the portal on his side that the Galatians had apparently used to calculate the exact universe they wanted to travel to -Daniel had very helpfully found that information in the database-.
It had just been a case of getting the device to work, scanning Rod and getting a reading of the energy from his universe, then they could input that into the portal and send him back where he came from. It only took a couple of days, but it was a couple of days too many as far as Rodney was concerned.
As soon as Rod had been sent back to his universe, and Rodney and the others were back through the gate, he got rid of all of his tactical gear and disappeared down into one of the secret labs Daniel had found one day during his search of the database; throwing himself into work like he always did when he was depressed.
When it came down to it, work was always what he was left with.
He managed to avoid everyone for the rest of the evening, not able to face them and see the disappointment on their faces that they had him to talk to rather than Rod. They had a mission scheduled the following day so he knew he'd have to see his team then, but he did everything he could to avoid contact before that, especially with John.
God, he missed John so much.
He ended up sleeping in the lab that night and had no appetite the following morning, so he headed straight to the gear up room, wanting to get all of his stuff and be out of there before the others arrived. He was quick and efficient and made it out of there and down to the gate room in record time.
Teyla was the first to arrive and she greeted him with a friendly smile, that he didn't see because he was studying the readings the MALP had picked up on his tablet. "Good morning, Rodney, I haven't seen much of you these past few days," she said.
"Yeah, I've been busy," Rodney replied, not looking up from what he was reading. "But I'm sure that wasn't a loss for anyone."
Before Teyla could reply he heard John and Lorne enter the room -Lorne coming along as their fourth for this particular mission because he was the one they all liked best- and Rodney called up for the people above them to dial the gate.
He couldn't handle even looking at John at that moment.
They were thankfully prompt with dialling the gate today and Elizabeth wished them luck, but Rodney was already moving towards the event horizon.
When he arrived on the planet he pulled out the scanner to begin taking readings. As soon as the scanner locked on to a power source he began walking in that direction, not even bothering to wait for the others to come through. They were all faster walkers than he was anyway, they'd catch up if they wanted to. He hadn't gone far when he heard them all walk through and John called out to him, but he just called back that the energy was this way and kept walking.
He heard them all fall into step behind him but none of them tried to actually walk with him, which didn't surprise him at all. He could hear them behind him talking quietly but he wasn't listening, they were probably just talking about Rod anyway.
They'd been walking only about 30 mins when they reached what looked like an old, abandoned temple. The others were intrigued by the temple, but Rodney's readings weren't taking him there, they seemed to be coming from a cave 20 metres away. He continued on his way to the cave, leaving the others to do whatever they wanted at the ruins. If he found anything of mention he could always call out to let them know.
He reached the mouth of the cave and turned on his torch to point inside and see if there was anything near the mouth. He couldn't see anything and the life signs detector wasn't picking up anything living in the cave, so he moved in a little further. He had barely taken 5 steps into the cave when he heard a low, gravelly voice speak, "Hello, Doctor McKay, how kind of you to visit my lair."
Something wrapped around his waist and he felt something thump into his back, followed by a sharp pain. He cried out in shock and he felt himself being pulled deeper into the cave.
XX
John looked up from the ruins he'd been studying when he heard Rodney's scream and took off in the direction of the cave where it sounded like it had come from, Teyla and Lorne hot on his tail. He lifted his hand up to the com on his ear, calling out to Rodney and hoping like hell that the other man had just fallen over or something equally benign. When he got nothing but static, he pulled out his weapon and flicked on the torch, leaping into the front of the cave and shining the light inside. He couldn't see anything but inky blackness.
"Rodney!" he called out, wondering if maybe something in the cave was interfering with his radio signal and that's why Rodney hadn't answered.
"Rodney!" Teyla called out when there was no answer.
When her calls still went unanswered, they shared a concerned look before heading into the darkness of the cave.
As they moved slowly inside, continuing to call out to Rodney, John felt fear rising up in him. Rodney hadn't been himself for weeks now, but there was no way he wouldn't answer them when they called out to him, particularly not out on a mission like this.
He was about to call out again when a deep, gravelly voice suddenly spoke from out of the darkness.
"Good day Colonel Sheppard, Teyla Emmagan and Major Lorne, how kind of you to visit my lair. I'm afraid Dr McKay has been permanently detained and will not be leaving my cave, today, or ever."
"Where is he? What have you done with him?" John demanded angrily.
"He is here, with me, and he will soon be dead. His life energy will become mine and allow me to continue living while he fades out of existence. We are all fine in here, you can go now."
"We are not just going to go and leave him here to be killed!" John snapped angrily, rage and fear warring inside his body. "Give him back to us or we will hunt you down and start firing." John started walking further into the cave.
"Why? You do not want him, why can I not have him?" the voice asked, sounding confused.
"What would ever give you the impression that we do not want Rodney?" Teyla demanded angrily.
"It is not my impression, it is his," the voice replied. "I can see into his mind, every thought, every feeling, it is a very sad place in here. I must admit, it's what attracted me to him in the first place. I do not have feelings of my own you see, so getting to experience the feelings of others as they slowly pass is most enjoyable for me. Normally there's just fear, fear of what's happening to them, but Rodney … oh, the dejection is exquisite."
John didn't understand, why would Rodney feel like that?
"You are lying," Teyla snapped. "It does not matter what you say we will not leave Rodney here to die."
"You do not have a choice, Teyla Emmagan, he is my sustenance, I caught him fair and square as the earth humans say. There is nothing any of your weapons will be able to do to hurt me and even if there were, you will never get close enough. Besides, if I let Rodney go another will take his place and the only other people here right now are the three of you. I could take one of you instead, in fact I could take all three of you at any moment, however, as Rodney has been so cooperative and asked only that I spare your lives, that is what I will do."
From out of the darkness Rodney's combat gear was suddenly thrown at their feet, including his life signs detector.
"It is best if you go now, all of you, this really is the best outcome you can expect from today. Rodney and I both agree with that assessment, he doesn't want to see any harm come to you, he cares a great deal about you all … especially you, John Sheppard."
"We are not leaving," John snapped, grabbing the life signs detector and heading in the direction of what can only be Rodney's life signs, gun drawn. Before any of them knew what had happened, they were flung backwards out of the cave and a large stone covered the entrance.
Feeling sick, scared and angry John ran back towards the cave, banging on the rock face with his hands. "Open the door and give Rodney back you cave dwelling psycho!" he yelled.
There was silence from inside the cave as all three of them attempted to feel around the stone for a way in. When they found nothing, they stood back and tried shooting at it, but that didn't yield any results either; not that John had really expected it to.
Looking at the life signs detector John could see that Rodney was still alive, but without knowing how the creature planned to kill him, there was no way of knowing how long that would continue to be the case.
"All right, we need help. I want the two of you to head back to the gate and call Elizabeth, let her know what's going on. See if the Odyssey is anywhere around and ask whether they might be able to come here and beam Rodney out, then get back here with some combat engineers to dig through this rock. I'm going to scout around for another way into the cave," he ordered.
"But, John, would it not be better if one of us stayed to help you?" Teyla asked.
"I don't want either of you lured into a cave by another one of these things," John explained. "Who knows how many there could be on this planet and we have no idea how it got Rodney into the cave in the first place. Stay together and get to the gate, that's an order."
"All right, John," Teyla agreed and they immediately turned and ran back in the direction of the gate.
Taking a deep breath John started moving around the outside of the cave, looking for a way in.
XX
"Well now, Dr McKay, alone at last," the creature rasped.
"Looks that way," Rodney replied. "Thanks for not eating my friends, I'm surprised you let them go."
"We had a deal," the creature replied. "You've kept up your end, you didn't fight or struggle, you haven't resisted at all. It has been a long time since I have been fed, I am not as strong as I once was. Having an easy meal is something I sorely need right now."
Rodney nodded, then felt silly knowing it probably couldn't see him. The part of the cave they were occupying was so dark Rodney couldn't see a thing. The tendril that grabbed him originally was still there, but it was only holding him gently against something that felt a lot like cool, slightly denser cotton candy. All in all it could be worse, at least it didn't smell bad in there, and he didn't even feel like he was getting the life sucked out of him; he didn't feel much of anything at all. After seeing people getting eaten by the wraith, he had figured this was going to be a lot more unpleasant.
"No, I am nothing like the wraith, although I will admit, they are my favourite fare when I am not so weak. Their fighting spirit is invigorating."
"So that's what you like is it?" Rodney asked.
"When I can get it. Right now, I wouldn't be up to handling more than one or two, after I've devoured you I will have the strength to take on many more. Unfortunately, there haven't been any wraith here in a long time," it replied, disappointedly.
"Probably too scared, it's not often the wraith have something eating them," Rodney replied.
"This is very true. Well, now that I have you here, why don't we talk a little. I am inside your head, I can see your thoughts, feel your feelings, and there are some truly dark and depressing thoughts going on in there. As I said before I don't have any emotions of my own, so experiencing those of others is quite enjoyable for me. In fact, I have found that once my victims accept their fate and realise that it is not as unpleasant as they expect, quite like you have, they find our conversations quite cathartic. It's a relief for both of us."
"All right, what do you want to talk about?" Rodney asked, figuring why not? What did he have to lose?
XX
After 20 minutes of searching around the cave John still hadn't been able to find a way in. As he was starting to think about climbing onto the roof his radio suddenly crackled to life and he heard the creature talking. At first he thought it was talking to him, but after a moment he realised it wasn't, it was talking to Rodney. He stopped for a moment to listen, relieved beyond all measure to hear Rodney's voice.
"So, there are good feelings and bad ones, most of the worst ones started quite early in your life I see. Tell me about them, I want to feel all the feelings that come up as you remember," the creature said, sounding almost gleeful and John felt disgusted at the thought of some creature getting off on Rodney's misery. The fact that the radio signal was getting through gave John hope though that perhaps this part of the cave was the weakest point and therefore the easiest to penetrate. He began feeling along the rock of the wall, trying to be as quiet as he could so as not to give away his location to the creature.
"Well yeah, when I was young," Rodney replied. "It was pretty damn miserable … until I went off to boarding school and met Sam, I don't think I was ever happy."
John stopped as he heard Rodney's words, feeling sad for the other man. Never? He'd known that Rodney's life had been pretty miserable, but never? Not once? John had been pretty miserable throughout his childhood too, but there had been occasional moments of happiness, like when his nanny took him out for the day on his birthdays, they were nice. Rodney had a nanny; didn't she do anything like that with him?
"I mean my mother named me Mordred, who does that to a child unless they hate them. She didn't want me, she wanted kids but only because she felt like it was something she had to do as a woman. She didn't actually want to raise us or look after us, so she just fobbed us off to the nanny and pretended we didn't exist. My father gave the nanny a list of instructions for what we were and weren't allowed to do, and if it wasn't something that would further our intellect, we weren't allowed to do it… not exactly a good way to start off."
That made sense now. It was sad to think that Rodney had felt that way. John knew what it was like to feel unwanted, he'd felt exactly the same growing up. His parents had adored Dave but not John, he always thought it was because he didn't look like them. They used to get asked all the time whether John was adopted, and he'd wondered himself more than once. Dave used to tell him their mother had an affair with the gardener and that's where he came from. From the way his dad in particular treated John, he'd certainly believed it.
"I was always the kid left out at family gatherings, all the cousins were a lot older than me and either left me out of everything or played horrible jokes on me, and I wasn't allowed to play with the girls, that's not what boys do apparently, so I had to either put up with how the others treated me or just be by myself. So that's what I did. I'd always find a way to sneak a book along to those family gatherings and I'd sneak off and hide somewhere until the gathering was over, often I missed the food as well so I always tried to take snacks along too, but I couldn't always manage it, so I remember being hungry a lot. Still, I had my book, when you have nothing else there are always books. Thankfully my father was big in the sciences so there were always a lot of books around that I could read. They were always well above what a kid my age should understand, but they were there so I made myself like them. I tried to talk to my father about the things I was learning, tried to make him proud, but nothing ever worked. 'What do you expect now Mordred? Praise? A real scientist doesn't need praise, he just continues to better himself. That's what you should do.' I heard those words so many times as a kid."
John felt his heart sink, it was awful to imagine Rodney going through that, John understood the feelings all too well. He excelled at sport and design as a kid and he really enjoyed them, but those things weren't fitting for a Sheppard to study, so he was never allowed to pursue them; even in his free time. His own father's voice came into his head, saying the same words he'd heard repeatedly growing up, 'Sheppards are too good for any of that nonsense. What are you going to do when you grow up? Be an architect? Play silly games for a living? Those things will never make you money.'
John hadn't cared about money; his parents had all the money in the world and they were still miserable. John just wanted to be happy, and he'd found that happiness in flying after he'd joined the air force; but he'd never had it before he'd joined up. He understood Rodney's feelings all too well.
XX
"Ah yes, I can feel it, all that loneliness and emptiness, it was all consuming," the creature gravelled out.
"Yeah, it was," Rodney agreed. They hated us being around so much they shipped us off to boarding school when we'd barely turned 5. Who does that to their own child? The place was horrifying when you were that young. It was a really prestigious school so we were expected to be perfectly groomed at all times, and if we weren't they hit us. I hated it there and I hated my parents for sending me. There were kids of all ages at the school too, it went all the way up to high school and I was the youngest, smallest boy in my grade all the time because I skipped through so many so quickly. I was such an easy target for the bullies, they used to do horrible things to me, but nothing was ever done about it. I mean that might have been different if my parents had made a complaint or done anything about it, but of course they didn't. The only time I bothered to complain to them my father told me to man up and stop being such a nancy boy … I was 5 and I never forgot those words. It was right after a bunch of the football players threw me in a locker then left me there," Rodney shivered as he remembered it. "I hate confined spaces. I screamed and clawed at the door but it was on the floor that only the senior kids were allowed to be on and none of them let me out. The only reason I eventually got out was because Sam and the girls had run to a teacher after they realised I was missing, I'd gone off to the bathroom so it took them a little while, and after combing the school they eventually found me."
"It was horrible, I can see the memory clearly," the creature commented and Rodney just nodded, feeling embarrassed beyond all belief, but knowing the creature was probably enjoying that.
"I started to develop a pretty thick skin after that. I found a local martial arts class and took myself there three afternoons a week until I finally escaped that place. They taught so many different styles there so I always had something new to learn and I was so driven to go because I knew it wasn't just myself I had to protect, but all the girls too. Sam came along to the classes with me, but the others didn't, so I knew I was the one that needed to protect them."
"That's a lot of responsibility to feel so young," the creature commented.
"Yeah, it was," Rodney agreed. "Thing is I've never been able to let it go. I still feel responsible for them."
"That's why you gave yourself over to Kolya when he wanted that information," the creature said knowingly.
Rodney nodded, "Partially, I also love Sam so much I couldn't bear to see her hurt. I was terrified, I'm not going to lie, I knew I couldn't fight my way out of that without Sam and Elizabeth being in harm's way, so all I could do was wait to see what they'd do to me. It hurt, a lot," he admitted, running his hand along the arm where Kolya's men had cut him.
"Oh yes, the pain … it was excruciating."
Rodney shivered at the memory and turned his attention to other things. There were happy memories in there too, times with him and the girls, but to be honest he wasn't really in the mood for the happy memories right now, he hadn't felt happy the for last several days and that hadn't changed. Instead, he thought about the next depressing thing to tell the creature.
"When I finally escaped that horror, I went off to college; it was better in some ways and worse in others. I was still far too young to be there, but a lot of people were so busy with studies they actually cared about that they were more likely to leave me alone. Unfortunately, college also means sororities and fraternities and … well … being the kid all the sorority girls like to pick on and all the fraternities like to play horrible pranks on isn't exactly fun."
"No, I can see that."
"The university didn't look kindly on me beating those frat boys up, and I didn't want to get kicked out, so I spent most of my time hiding in a lab or the library. I didn't even try interacting with anyone other than the girls."
"Until the second last year of your first PHD," the creature said thoughtfully.
"Yeah," Rodney replied, thinking back to that time. "Colin."
"He was important to you," the creature said.
"He was the first person I ever thought really loved me, in a romantic way" Rodney replied. "He was smart, just like me, he said all the right things-"
"And you were intimate with him … the first person ever and one of the only."
"Yeah," Rodney replied. "He meant so much to me and I thought he felt the same … but he didn't. He stole all my research right before we were meant to hand it in for our finals and claimed it as his own. The only reason he didn't get away with it was because I had proof that it belonged to me first."
"He broke your heart, ooh, that is an exquisite pain."
"It was," Rodney agreed.
"And then there was Chase," the creature said and Rodney shivered.
"Do I have to talk about him?" Rodney asked. "Really I don't think I can, so … just look in my head all right."
He felt the creature search his memories and saw his experiences with Chase flash through his mind. He still felt pathetic for the way he let Chase treat him, he was stronger, he could have easily stopped him, but he didn't, because he was so desperate for someone to love him.
"That man was a monster," the creature commented.
"Yes, he was," Rodney agreed.
"But you stayed with him for 12 months."
"Yeah … pathetic isn't it," Rodney replied bitterly.
"You wanted love … you're not the first person I have met who has put up with something so horrible in order to feel loved," the creature replied understandingly.
"I suppose I'm probably not, that doesn't really make me feel any better though," Rodney said, feeling retched.
"And you swore off relationships completely … until you met John."
"Yeah, well … John's an entirely different story …"
"Of course he is, he's the one you love."
XX
John had been standing outside the cave, after finding no way through the rock, listening to Rodney tell his story. So much of it reminded him of his own life before joining the military, except of course for the skipping grades part. He'd been picked on a lot as a kid as well because he was so small and skinny, he hadn't grown to be quite as tall as he was now until right at the end of high school, and after that it took him a long time to fill out. He'd also done everything he could to get his parents' approval, including studying something he really didn't want to do just to make his father look at him with something other than hatred or dismissal, but it never happened. In the end he'd gone off to the military with nothing but the clothes on his back and never even bothered to think about returning.
When he'd seen the memories of what Chase had done to Rodney John had burned with fury. How dare that monster hurt Rodney like that? John had initially been surprised when the creature said Rodney had stayed in the relationship for so long, but then he'd felt everything Rodney had been feeling at that time and he understood completely; Rodney had been so desperate for someone to love him that he'd been willing to put up with anything. He understood that feeling all too well; after all, he'd put up with 12 months of abuse himself just to stay in the military.
"Yeah well … John's an entirely different story …" They were talking about him now, that piqued his interest.
"Of course he is, he is the one you love."
Those words, spoken in the creature's raspy tone made John's heart stop. Rodney loved him?
"Yeah … I've never told anyone but Sam because I was terrified that it would get back to him … but hell, I'm about to die so what have I got to lose. Yes, I love him … I love him so much it's overwhelming … so much that I would do anything for him."
"But you've never told him."
"No … I've thought about it, on several occasions, the girls keep telling me we're perfect together and that they're sure he has feelings for me too … and sometimes, the way he looks at me and talks to me, I thought that maybe they were right … but they're not, I realise that now. He was with Alice and he didn't even tell me. I mean seeing them together like that was … so painful," hang on, Rodney had seen Alice kiss him? "But the fact that he didn't even tell me about them was almost worse. I don't know what we are really, I thought we were friends at least … but I don't even know if we're that now," Rodney said sadly.
"Ah I see, you feel you are replaceable to him," the creature said, sounding thoughtful.
"Well, who doesn't tell someone who's supposed to be their best friend about being in a relationship with someone? Then as soon as Rod turned up, I barely saw him," Rodney said sadly. "I barely saw any of them, they all flocked to spend time with him and … basically forgot I existed. I know you can see how that feels."
"Devastating," the creature replied.
Rodney nodded, "I've felt invisible most of my life, but … feeling that way with John and others … It's not like it matters, John would never love me, why would he? He's so perfect and I'm … not, I don't even know why he spends so much time with me. I wish he loved me … god I want him to, so badly." John heard Rodney sniffle and could hear the tears in his voice. "I suppose you don't know what it feels like to love someone?"
"Only what I have experienced from others. I'm sure you've imagined yourself with him, tell me about that."
Rodney laughed humourlessly, "I suppose I have, more than a few times. I think anyone who has ever loved someone has imagined what it would be like being with them … I've thought about a lot of things … some completely inappropriate and naughty."
"Oh yes, I see them now … oh, is that what desire feels like?" the creature asked delightedly.
Suddenly images jumped into John's head, images of Rodney's hands running over his body, of the two of them kissing passionately, of John kissing Rodney's neck. He felt a wave of desire crash over him, Rodney's desire followed soon after by his own.
God, he wanted Rodney too, he always had. He'd been so scared of telling Rodney that he wanted him, so frightened that Rodney would be repulsed by his feelings for him, and all along Rodney had been in love with him. John should have taken O'Neill's advice all those months ago and said something; he'd been such a coward.
"And there are other thoughts too, things you think about more often," the creature continued.
"Yeah, the … sensual ones are fun, but you know, that's not all there is to think about. I know it's what a lot of people think about when they're attracted to someone, but my feelings are far beyond attraction. When you love someone, really love someone, it's not just the physical, lustful things that you want to experience, it's all of it. He's held me before, a couple of times, and it was incredible."
John saw memories of those moments from, Rodney's point of view, flash through his mind, along with all the feelings that went with them. Rodney had enjoyed those moments as much as he had. Damn, now that John thought about it, Rodney's feelings had been so obvious.
"I'd love to feel him just hold me again like that, or touch me in ways that have nothing to do with sex … a different kind of intimacy. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to feel him touch me with those amazing hands of his, but I'd also love to just be able to hold him or touch him without needing a reason, and tell him I love him without being scared that he'd recoil from me. I love him so much."
Rodney's feelings flooded through him and John dropped down to the floor, tears slipping down his face. Those feelings, he recognised them, they were exactly what he'd been feeling for Rodney since they'd met and hadn't been able to put a name to. He didn't recognise them because he'd never loved anyone before and no one had ever loved him.
Burying his face in his hands, John sobbed. He couldn't believe he'd been in love with Rodney for all this time, that Rodney loved him back just as deeply, and he hadn't realised until now. This couldn't happen, he couldn't lose Rodney, he needed him; there had to be a way to get him out.
"John Sheppard, I know you are out there and I know you can hear me!" the voice called out to him, breaking into his internal reverie.
"Let him go, please, don't take him away from me," John begged.
"Rodney grows weak, but he is still alive," the creature assured him. "I can see what you are thinking and feeling; it took me a while to reach your thoughts outside the cave, but as I have grown stronger from feeding, I have been able to. If you still want to save Rodney, I will give you a way to do that."
"How?" John asked, terrified at hearing that Rodney was getting weak, but hopeful to learn that there may be another way to save him.
"You have the ability to bring me others to feed on, not other humans, I know you would never do that," he added before John could voice the thought. "But you have no qualms sacrificing wraith to save your friends and that is what I want. Bring me wraith to feed on and I will return Rodney's life and release him."
"Why should I believe you?" John asked.
"Because you have no other choice. No equipment you bring here will get through the cave walls and I can simply remove Dr McKay's tracking device so your ship cannot transport him away from me. I am not a monster, John Sheppard, I kill to survive just like any other creature and wraith are the best source of nutrition I can receive; you can get those for me. Bring me wraith and I will restore Rodney to health and return him to you."
"Colonel Sheppard come in," Elizabeth's voice came through his com and he took a deep breath to stop his voice from shaking as he lifted his hand to reply.
"Sheppard here."
"Colonel we're about to send the combat engineers to your location, the Odyssey is also on its way and is only about an hour from your location. How is Rodney, is he still alive?" she asked concernedly.
John checked his life signs detector and saw Rodney still registering in the cave. "Yeah, he's alive," John replied, "Elizabeth, the creature that took Rodney has just offered me a trade and I think we need to take him up on it. I don't see any other way to save Rodney."
"What kind of trade?"
XX
Rodney was floating in a vast sea of nothingness. There was no pain, no feelings, just an endless nothingness. Was he dead? Is this what being dead feels like?
"You are not dead, Doctor McKay, what you are experiencing now is my constant state of being," the creature's voice rumbled through his mind.
"Wow … it's kind of peaceful in a way." Rodney replied quietly. "Hey, I wanted to say, as far as big scary cave monsters go, and as far as being killed goes, this is probably the nicest death I could have asked for so … thanks I guess. I'm assuming it's nearly over; I can't even feel my body anymore."
"It should be nearly over, however, it is not yet time for you to leave this life."
"I don't understand," Rodney said confused.
"I took you because you were an easy meal and like all creatures I must eat to survive, however, as I have spoken to you and seen your thoughts, I have grown to care for you. So, I have offered your friends a trade and I do believe they will take me up on it. If they do, I will release you and allow you to go on living, in hope that what you go home to will be better than what you've known before."
"Really? They want to help me?" Rodney asked hopefully.
"As I have grown stronger, I have been able to breach the mind of the one you call John Sheppard, and I do believe you are wrong in how he feels about you, Dr McKay. He did not leave you when I shut him out of the cave, he sent the other two back to your world to get help while he stayed behind to try and find a way into the cave to rescue you."
"He did?" Rodney asked, feeling hopeful for a moment, only to have that hope fade almost immediately. "Just his usual valiant nature I'm sure, the fact that it's me who is captured doesn't matter."
"You don't know that for certain, do you?" the creature asked. "I do believe that when you get back, you may be surprised by how your relationship changes."
Rodney wanted to believe the creature, wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything. "You're not just telling me what I want to hear are you?" he asked cautiously.
"Now why would I do that?" the creature asked in such a Sheppardesque way that it startled Rodney
"That didn't sound like you," he commented, always the scientist.
"Indeed not. I am currently tapped into Colonel Sheppard's brain and it is the kind of thing he would have said," the creature explained. "When you leave this place, don't hesitate any longer, make the move you've been afraid of making, give yourself the chance at the happiness you desire. I will never know those feelings, so experience them for me."
Rodney was trying to decide how to reply when he heard a satisfied sound come from the creature. "Oh, yes, these are perfect." He then heard the roars of several wraith before he felt warmth flooding back into his body and he realised that was the creature returning his life.
"Good luck, Dr Rodney McKay," the creature's voice rasped.
"You too, enjoy your wraith," Rodney replied, not knowing what else to say.
He heard the creature chuckle, which sounded so weird, before everything faded around him.
XX
John waited alone at the mouth of the cave to see if the creature would really return Rodney. The others had wanted to beam down with the wraith, but John had insisted that they stay up on the Odyssey in case this was a trap and he was glad that he had. Whatever happened in the next few minutes John knew he wasn't going to be able to hold it together.
He was about to run into the cave and demand to know what was going on when the wraith fell silent and a tendril appeared out of the darkness, cradling Rodney in its hold. John moved forward, expecting it to drop Rodney on the ground and wanting to be there to catch him. He was surprised when instead it held Rodney, cocooned in its swirling, black and purple energy, a few inches from John.
"You kept your end of the bargain, John Sheppard, I have kept mine," the creature's voice rasped. "My energy has increased to the point where your ship will not be able to beam you up, you will have to walk back to the stargate to leave this world, but fear not, there are no others to cause you harm here and I will take Rodney back to the gate for you."
"How do I know you're not lying?" John asked, worried that this was some kind of trap.
"What reason would I have to lie, John Sheppard? I did not have to return Rodney to you, but I am, why do that just to have something else kill him, or you? I know what he means to you, what you mean to each other, it is why I am returning him to you; I have never felt such strong feelings between two people and I savoured those feelings; they were a gift to me and I am grateful."
John nodded, figuring the creature's words made sense. "Well, thanks I guess," John replied, reaching up to radio the Odyssey about what the creature had said and reporting that he was heading back to the stargate.
The tendril of energy followed him as he walked back to the gate, and when he finally got there, it placed Rodney gently in his arms, the raspy voice whispering in his head, "Do not wait long to tell him. You know his feelings, but he does not know yours. Good luck, John Sheppard."
John looked down at Rodney who was lying in his arms, looking so peaceful; it was hard to believe John had almost lost him. He watched the tendril pull back towards the cave, and when it was completely out of his line of sight, he knelt down on the ground to properly check Rodney over.
He was breathing, John could already tell that, he had a pulse and from what John could see there wasn't a mark on him, nothing to indicate that a creature had nearly sucked his life out of him. If anything, he looked healthier than when he'd arrived.
Rodney was okay.
With that properly ascertained John held Rodney close and broke down into tears, burying his face in Rodney's hair. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I love you," he sobbed, holding Rodney as tightly as he'd always wanted to, but never dared to.
"I won't wait, I promise. Thank you for giving him back to me," he said, in case the creature could still hear him.
"You're welcome. Thank you for the wraith, they were delightful."
John chuckled wetly at that and took a minute to calm himself before pulling his sunglasses onto his face and dialling the gate.
XX
When Rodney roused it was to the sound of medical monitors beeping beside his head and the strong smell of antiseptic that often-permeated medical facilities. He figured out pretty quickly that he was in the Atlantis infirmary and sighed in relief.
Obviously the creature had kept up his end of the deal.
As his faculties returned to him Rodney realised that he could feel both of his hands being held, one in a hand that he recognised immediately as Sam's, it was a hand he'd held many times over the years, the other was bigger, calloused and while he hadn't held it many times in his life, he'd committed the feeling of it to memory; it was John's.
When he managed to pry his eyes open, he saw that his bed was surrounded by his sleeping friends. John was to his left, his hand gripping Rodney's tightly and his face resting on Rodney's pillow beside him. Sam was on the other side in much the same position. Jeanie and Jennifer were lying beside her, the two women's hands holding Rodney's hand over Sam's. On the other side with John were Teyla and Teal'c, the Athosian woman snuggled up in the big Jaffar's lap with a hand resting on Rodney's stomach.
Rodney was exhausted and he knew he wasn't going to be able to stay awake long. He took in all the people around him with a soft smile and gripped Sam and John's hands as tightly as he could before he slipped back off to sleep.
The next time he woke up it was clearly morning in the infirmary because there was a lot more noise and talking going on around him. After a few moments he heard an odd buzzing noise and a green light flashed behind his eyelids … that was the scanner, why was he in the scanner?
When the buzzing sound stopped Rodney cracked his eyes open and saw all of his friends outside the curtain with Janet and Carson, studying whatever was on the monitor screen and looking worried; that was never a good sign.
"I'm afraid the energy is increasing in his system," he heard Carson say.
What energy?
"Do we have any idea what this energy is or what it's doing to him?" Elizabeth asked.
"The energy itself is identical to that of the creature, we know that from the readings the MALP originally sent back through the gate which drew our attention to this planet in the first place," Sam explained.
"But as to what it's doing to Rodney, we haven't a clue," Carson replied.
"Is it hurting him?" John asked, sounding worried.
"Not that I can see," Carson replied. "He is in perfect physical condition, better than the last time I scanned him. All I can tell you is that the energy is increasing."
"We're going to have to move him to an isolation room, we can't risk the safety of this city or anyone else in it," Elizabeth said, always the leader, although the concern was obvious in her voice
"I already have the room prepared," Carson replied. "We'll transfer him down now."
"I'm going with him," John said immediately.
"Colonel, Isolation is exactly that," Elizabeth said sternly.
"I was on that planet with him, Elizabeth, not to mention I've been here with him since we brought him back. If something was going to infect me, don't you think it would have by now?" John argued.
"We have no way of knowing that, John, for all we know it needed to get inside a human host before it could transfer to others," Elizabeth argued back. "I know you're concerned, Colonel, but this is one of those times where I'm not going to let you stretch the rules. Quarantine will be enforced, no one will go into that room with Rodney except suited up medical personnel. No exceptions."
"No arguments, Colonel," O'Neill added when it looked like John was about to do exactly that.
"It's okay, John," Rodney said, his voice a little horse from his throat being as dry as it was. "If I need to be isolated I don't want any of you anywhere near me; I don't want you getting … whatever I have."
The group all turned to look at him through the curtain and John reached his hand up to touch it, the sadness and frustration obvious in his eyes.
"I want you safe, all of you, it's all I ever want. Stay away from me until they work out what's going on, okay, I want you to. It would kill me if anything happened to you because of me."
He could see that they were upset, and it made him feel terrible and happy at the same time. These were his friends they'd risked their lives to get wraith for the cave monster to feed on so they could save him and he was so grateful for all of them.
"Thank you for saving me, I'm sure it wasn't easy catching wraith, and I'm really grateful, to all of you; for saving me, and … for being my friends. You mean everything to me," he glanced at John as he said those last words, not sure whether the man would know they were meant mostly for him, but wanting to try and get that across somehow. John may never love him, but he'd always love John.
They smiled worriedly back at him and Sam said, "You mean a lot to us too, we love you, Rodney."
"Of course we were going to save you. You are our friend, we were never going to leave you there," Teyla said kindly.
"We'll work this out, Rodney," Carson promised, in that sweet, kind manner Carson always had about him.
The others all said something reassuring and Jeanie, Jennifer and Janet told him they loved him. O'Neill told him to hang in there and they'd see him soon, before ushering all of them except John away from the scanner.
"Thank you for not leaving me behind," Rodney said softly. "The creature told me you stayed on the planet to try and find a way into the cave, and I'm assuming you're the one who brought me back. Thank you, John."
John looked back at him through the curtain, pain obvious in his eyes. "Don't thank me, this is my fault," he replied sadly. "I knew something was wrong after the siege, but I didn't understand what until the creature told me. I never meant to ignore you, none of us did and you're not replaceable, not to anyone here and certainly not to me. We were curious about what another reality might be like and what we were like there; we weren't hanging out with Rod because we liked him better than you. I knew you were busy trying to sort out the portal so I tried not to bother you, and … you'd been so distant. I didn't know why, but I knew you were avoiding me; I didn't want to bother you about it while you were already stressed out, so I left you alone and waited for you to be ready to come to me … I didn't realise you'd see that as me leaving you out. I should have come down and talked to you, I wanted to, I just … I tried before Rod showed up and … his timing couldn't have been worse. I was upset, but I knew my feelings weren't as important as working out the portal, so I didn't want to be down in the lab trying to make you talk to me and getting in the way when you needed to be able to focus."
"You're never in the way," Rodney assured him. "Do I make you feel like you are?" he asked worriedly.
John shook his head, "No, never, but sometimes I wonder if maybe you're too nice to tell me. Either way it doesn't matter, I should have tried to talk to you about what was wrong sooner. I knew something was wrong when we were back on Earth, I should have done it while we were there, or on the Odyssey on our way back, or … any of the other chances I had to ask. If I had you wouldn't have been upset and the creature wouldn't have taken you in the first place. I'm sorry, Rodney," he said contritely.
"Don't feel bad, I don't want you to be upset," Rodney said softly. "I was being too sensitive to the whole thing. It's hard for me to believe that I have friends sometimes, other than the girls I mean, and it makes me get insecure about things that probably wouldn't bother other people. My personal insecurities aren't your fault, they're mine and I shouldn't have let them twist me up. I know you all care about me, just like I care about you, I just lost sight of that for a while. I'm sorry, John, all of this is my fault, not yours."
"We'll have to agree to disagree about that," John replied. "And when you get out, I'm going to make it up to you."
"I'll look forward to that," Rodney replied, returning John's worried smile with a reassuring one.
"Sorry, lads, but we need to move Rodney now," Carson said, coming over in an orange isolation suit.
"Just one last thing, Carson, can you just give me 20 seconds, please, you can even time me," John asked.
Carson nodded, stepping back to give them a few more seconds of privacy.
John turned back to look at Rodney, "Nothing happened between me and Alice. She asked to talk to me before the siege and as soon as we were alone, she kissed me. I was so tired and so shocked that it took my brain far too long to respond, and when I did I told her there would never be anything between us because I don't feel that way for her. That was all that happened, you just obviously came along while my brain was on sabbatical."
Rodney felt his eyes tear as he looked at John, feeling like an idiot for letting a misunderstanding screw him up so badly. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
John shook his head, "It doesn't matter, I just wanted you to know the truth. I wasn't hiding anything from you, Rodney."
Carson came back over then and told them it was time for Rodney to go. John thanked him for the extra minute and didn't try to stop him this time; Rodney could see it was hard for him.
"I'll see you soon," Rodney promised and John nodded, looking utterly miserable.
O'Neill pulled John back out of the way of the medical staff and they covered Rodney's bed in a strange, plastic box with air holes before wheeling him out of the room. Rodney kept his gaze glued to John's until they turned the bed and he couldn't see the man anymore, then he closed them and pulled up every pleasant memory he had of the two of them together. If whatever was happening to him now killed him, he wanted John to be the last thing he thought about.
And he promised himself that if he lived, he'd never let a misunderstanding get in the way of their friendship again.
XX
There we go, what did we think? Poor Rodney, he'd been through the ringer a bit in this story, but don't worry the next chapter won't be so angsty.
John knows how Rodney feels about him now and he finally knows what he's been feeling all this time! He's really emotionally inept the poor guy, he's never known love so he had no idea what was going on, but now he does. What do you think he'd going to do about it?
Thank you for all your reviews, they mean so much to me. Please review and let me know what you think, I really love to hear it