A/N: Although we've established this is an M rated story, I'm throwing a little extra warning/trigger warning in here - specifically for the use of homophobic language and related violence. As you can probably already tell, it's quickly becoming a theme wound into the story and I wouldn't feel comfortable posting an update without prior warning first.

"Maybe it's time. We should tell everyone. About us."

Jane's head thuds with the beginnings of a stress headache as she circles the beaten, red punching bag in their garage, accompanied by the loud angry beats of a track she's listening to echoing in her ears.

Maybe she's right. Maybe it is time. Or maybe it's too soon.

Jane ducks and dodges, guarding her face with her strapped fists before she makes a hard hit, knuckles cracking in protest.

Why do they need to tell anyone? Why can't they stay in their little bubble, just for a little bit longer?

She grunts with effort as she launches into a flurry of punches, her arms aching with the rapid-fire effort.

Jane doesn't know if she's ready yet. She doesn't know if she'll ever be ready, but she knows Maura is, and she knows she can't run away from the truth forever. There is no question that she'd risk everything for Maura, but the prospect of actually revealing their relationship makes Jane feel a little sick.

She connects a knee to the bag, then gives it a hard kick for good measure, an ache from the small, not quite healed scar on her shin rippling up her leg. The pain is enough to pull her from her thoughts into the present, and it's only after she takes a few steps to grab a towel that she realises Maura is standing in the open door, leaning against the frame.

Jane removes her headphones, dropping them onto the weight bench next to her. She wipes the sweat from her brow and neck with a towel and then gives Maura a small tilt of her head, forcing herself to smile.

"Good morning."

Maura's tone is warm and caring and Jane feels the tension building in her head lessen slightly.

"Good morning yourself. Did I wake you?"

"No, not at all. I'm brewing some coffee, I thought you might like some."

Jane's smile is genuine this time, even when Maura frowns at the tape Jane begins to peel away from her bright red knuckles.

"Gloves may be a wiser choice."

Jane chuckles lightly, shaking her head, "A perp wouldn't wear gloves, Maur."

"I suppose you're right. At least let me get you some ice." She's gone before Jane can respond and Jane winces as she tears off the last strip of tape, crumpling it into a ball and letting it drop to the floor beside her.

She flexes her fingers and stretches widely, then follows the sound of Maura's soft humming into the kitchen.

"Sit. Drink. Ice."

Jane does as she's commanded, sliding onto a barstool and taking a sip from the mug of coffee Maura places in front of her. She reluctantly picks up the ice-pack, holding it to the knuckles of her left hand, alternating when the cold becomes too much to bear. Maura drifts around her, following the morning routine they've slipped into so seamlessly. Unloading the dishwasher, updating her to-do list, laying out an assortment of vitamins for them both…mindless tasks that Jane would usually find tedious to watch, yet she finds her gaze following Maura's every single move.

Would it make a difference if everyone knew? Would anything change? Would they change, ultimately, at the opinion of others? Would this - their new normal, their shared home and love and life - be torn to pieces, never to be the same again?

It's a thought Jane can't hide from, no matter how hard she tries to will it from her mind.

"Maura?"

"Hm?"

"Last night."

"Yes?" Maura turns from where she stands, noting down their weekly grocery list.

"You…uh…you wanna tell…people?" Jane fumbles, feeling herself blush as she bumbles over the words clumsily.

Part of her is hoping Maura has already forgotten the suggestion, hoping that it was clouded by a fog of sleep.

"I do."

She's not getting off the hook that easily - of course she's not.

"Oh. I mean, not that I'm against the idea, but…well, maybe we could wait?"

"For?" Maura purses her lips, gaze locked onto Jane. It feels like a challenge, like anything she's about to say will be the wrong answer.

"I…I don't know."

She sighs, impatient at her indecision. She's not sure how to explain herself without sounding like a selfish asshole.

"I do know. I do. I'm scared."

"Of what?" Jane pushes herself to her feet, needing to move around to try and shake the overwhelming urge to run from this discussion.

"Fucking this up. Being…out. God, it sounds so fuckin' stupid when I say it out loud but being open about relationships has never been my strong suit, ya know? Especially not with girls. Women." Jane pauses for a breath, then continues "Not that there have been any women. Not since…then. And it's not that I care what people think but in the past, I've had to and it's…I…I'm not making sense."

Maura crosses to where Jane paces a tight circle, holding her ground when Jane takes a couple of steps away from her. She reaches out, a hand looping one of Jane's wrists firmly.

"It's okay."

"Okay..?" Jane's voice is strained and she stares at Maura with wide eyes, heart thudding so loud that she feels dizzy.

"I understand."

Jane shakes her head in disbelief, removing her hand from Maura's grasp.

"I'm not saying never, I'm just-"

"Jane."

"Maybe in a couple of weeks or some-"

"Jane."

"I'll just call. I'll call them now. Let m-"

"Jane!" Maura is loud enough and stern enough that Jane freezes, teeth clenched with anxiety.

They stare at each other for a few moments until Jane feels like she can't bear to look.

"I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I'm not hurt. No tricks, or silly mind games. I hear you." The reassurance in Maura's voice is captivating and calming and Jane stares at her in blankly, unable to form words.

"I hear you."

Hands ghost their way up Jane's arms, coming to gently cup her face and then Maura leans in to kiss her softly.

"I love you. And if I have to love you quietly for now, well, so be it. It doesn't change anything."

"You're not angry?"

"Not in the slightest."

"You're sure?"

Jane makes a noise of doubt, unable to block out the annoying voice in the depths of her mind shouting that she's being too trusting. She knows it's ridiculous - the wonderful human being standing in front of her would never break her like that - but old habits die hard and when her eyes begin to fill with tears that she can't hold back she turns her face away, not wanting Maura to see her lapse.

"I'm sure."

"How the fuck did we miss this?" Jane gestures at the collection of letters spread across Frost's desk, reaching out to grab the closest one and shaking it in annoyance.

"Hey. Evidence!" Frost takes it from her with a gloved hand, smoothing it out and laying it back on the pile carefully. "I don't know. They weren't in Olivia's staff locker when we combed it, apparently they were found stuffed into a backpack in lost and found."

"Someone's playing with us. Do we have anything on them? Prints?"

"Oh, you mean aside from the ones you just smeared on?"

"Don't piss me off, not a good time," she warns and Frost raises an eyebrow questioningly.

"Just...anything? Any ID? Anything on the bag?"

"Nothing."

"So run it again."

"We ran it twice, J. Not a crumb on it."

"Fuck." Jane grumbles, taking the gloves that Frost offers her and snapping them on roughly. She holds up another envelope, peeking inside before she takes a deep breath, fingers slipping in and pulling the letter out.

"What are we looking at?"

"Abuse. Death threats. It's graphic," He lays a hand on Jane's, stilling her movement as she begins to unfold the letter, "and I gotta tell you...there's stuff in there you might wanna prepare yourself for."

She scoffs, twisting away from him, eyes rolling in his direction.

"I'm a big girl. I can handle it."

"Alright. Don't say I didn't warn you." He drops into his desk chair, elbows coming to rest on his knees as he waits for her to read. She does, scanning through lines and lines of scrawled text, wondering what the hell Frost is talking about when she sees it.

Perversions like you deserve to burn in hell.

I can't wait to feel my blade on your throat, to send you to your baptism in the flames. By my hand you'll pay for what you did to my sister, you disgusting little dyke.

Jane's eyes widen as she suppresses a gasp, balled fist coming to her mouth to muffle the sound. Her stomach flips nauseatingly and she folds the paper so she can't see the writing anymore, leans forward in a panic to gather the rest of them together haphazardly. She's breathing hard by the time she's bundled them back into the evidence bag, verging on hyperventilating when she pivots and leaves, breaking in a jog as she cuts a path to the restroom, just in time to lock herself into a stall and retch dryly.

"Are you okay in there?"

She's aware that someone is talking, hears the polite knock on the door but she's trapped, sweat beading on her forehead as she squats down, clinging to the sides of the toilet bowl as she vomits.

"Excuse me? What are you doing in here?"

"Police business. Get out."

"You can't barge in here!"

"I said, get out!"

Frost's voice cuts through the ringing in her ears and she rises to her feet warily, struggling to gather herself.

"Frost?"

"I did tell you. It's empty, come on."

She opens the door, wiping the back of a hand across her mouth as she makes a move for the basins. She runs the tap, gathering cold water into her cupped palms and splashing it onto her face and rinsing her mouth, spitting it out angrily.

"Tell me a little louder next time." She sighs, grabbing a disposable towel and drying her face before she balls it up, dropping it into the trash can next to her.

"Are…" she tries, trailing off as she brings an arm to cross over her stomach in hopes it provides her with a little stability, "Are they all like that?"

"All the ones I've looked at so far. You alright?" Frost asks and Jane nods wordlessly, clearing the emotion from her throat as she straightens, adjusting her shirt and blazer so she looks a little less rumpled than she feels.

"Coffee?" He suggests, holding the bathroom door open for her. They take the elevator in silence, Frost creeping sideways glances at Jane as they go. They're sitting in the back of the cafeteria, out of the way of prying eyes and ears before Frost speaks again, voice low.

"Why don't you let me handle them? You go ask some questions - find out which one of our delightful academia friends pulled them outta their ass."

Frost senses her hesitation, ventures a friendly hand out to pat her forearm lightly, a comforting gesture that raises a fleeting smile from Jane.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No." Jane grunts, rubbing her palms against her eyes and then she changes her mind, puffing out a slow breath. "Yeah."

"Go on."

"I thought I was done with that shit. I'm having trouble lately...stuff is happening that's prodding at the wound, dragging me back to being a naive kid. The worlds' moved on, times have changed, but I don't think I have. I think a part of me is still stuck in the past, doing everything I can to hide who I am, this angry little voice in my head always telling me that I'm...well, you read it. A perversion."

"That's the opinion of one crazy, you kn-"

"It's not though, is it? I have scars Frost - actual fuckin' scars from the torment of psychopathic teenagers, but teenagers all the same."

"Do it. Hurry up!"

Jane struggles against the arms that pin her to the floor, frantically trying to kick her way out of the trap she's unknowingly walked into.

"What the fu-" She shouts, cut off by a sharp slap across her face.

"Shut up, dyke."

She opens her mouth again, screams muted as a hand covers it, squeezing tightly. She writhes desperately as she catches sight of the blade, muscles burning with effort.

"Give me that." She recognises the voice of the girl that flips the pocketknife open, fears confirmed when Grace's apparent best friend kneels on her stomach, forcing the air from her lungs. Maddie grins maniacally, face inches from Jane's as she drags the tip of the knife across Jane's lips, then down, snaking across her chest. She cuts a button off Jane's school shirt, then another, smiling to herself as she rips Jane's shirt open.

"Hurry up Maddie! Come on."

"You're to leave Grace alone. Do you understand? You're poisoning her mind, even if she doesn't see it yet. But I do. I see. I see you."

The blade comes to the right of Jane's chest now, tip drawing blood where it digs into her skin, hidden under the line of her bra.

"You disgust me. You're filth. It's not normal. I wonder what people would say if they knew? But I'm protecting you, you do realise that? Nobody breathes a word without my say so."

Jane's muffled cries of panic fill the silence around them and she begins to cry, unable to stop herself.

"So you've got two options. Leave Grace alone, and be a freak in private, or don't, and you'll get what's coming to you."

The blade burns as it cuts, cold steel making Jane's vision swim.

"Do you understand me?"

"Maddie! We gotta go, they're coming."

"I said, do you understand me?"

Jane nods, eyes heavy with the threat of passing out when the pressure on her is alleviated, nameless girls scrambling to leave the locker room as she sucks in a ragged breath.

She rolls to one side, pressing her shirt against her wound, red blossoming through the thin material immediately. She forces herself to her knees and then onto her feet, steadying herself against a row of lockers as she moves towards her own. Bloodied hands fumble to open it and she's pretty sure she's gonna hit the deck when the door behind her swings open, the chatter of a class getting ready for gym class filling the air.

Determined, she grabs her sweater and jams it over her head, taking a couple of deep breaths before she hooks her backpack over her shoulders and manoeuvres through the throng of girls, head down until she's out and free, allowing just one ridiculous thought to loop in her mind as she goes.

Her mom is gonna kill her for ruining her new shirt.

She unconsciously slips a hand under her blazer now, a single fingertip tracing the faint white scar above the fabric of her clothes. It had been a superficial wound, patched up with a couple of butterfly strips and bandaid, physically painless but always there - a permanent, grim reminder of her youth.

"Aren't all teenage girls crazy? Not just the prejudiced and morally depraved ones?" He grins, knocking his elbow against hers jokingly. She smiles despite the urge to burst into tears, taking a thoughtful sip of her latte.

"I still dream about it sometimes, you know? I still hear the things spat at me, believe the shit that was beaten into me. I wake up trapped in the body of a seventeen-year-old, convinced that everyone around me is the enemy. That everyone sees me that way."

"I don't. Doesn't even enter my mind."

"That's liberal of you."

"Nah, I'm just not an asshole that thinks they can dictate how people live. And love."

"Not an asshole, got it."

"You ever...talk about this, with anyone else?"

"No. People know. You know. But I'm not about to dredge it all up. It was so long ago."

"Does Maura know?"

"Does Maura know what?" Jane's head turns so fast to look at Maura that she feels her neck crack, face flushing furiously. Maura pulls out a chair and sits, gaze prompting as she looks between them both.

"That...you...were thinking of taking a week off. For Christmas." Frost recovers smoothly and Jane makes a mental note to thank him later, for now settling with a grateful wave of her hand. She leans back, hoping the faux casualness she's trying to exhibit is enough not to get Maura's suspicions up.

"Yeah. Figured I could use some of those stored up days, experience some of this daylight everyone talks about."

"Oh." Maura frowns, eyes narrowing at Jane. "How...nice. For you."

"Hey, maybe you could go too? A girls holiday. Fun, right?" His attempt at cutting through the tension between them falls flat and he stands, draining the last of his coffee. "Well, I better go. Cases to crack. I'll call you later J. Bye Maura."

Maura waits until Frost is out of earshot, then scoots closer to Jane, chair scraping across the floor loudly.

"You're...going away? Without me?"

"No. Of course I'm not. I've had a bad morning and he was asking about holidays, you know what he gets like around Christmas, wanting to spend it all together. I said it to shut up him."

"Bad morning?" Maura softens, readjusting her legs under the table so her knees are touching Jane's.

"Ahh, yeah. Standard detective bullshit." She holds Maura's gaze, knowing if she so much as blinks she'll be caught in her tall tale.

"Mm. Out of interest, would you want to go away, together? I hear Vermont is wonderful at this time of year."

"I guess, yeah, if we could both take leave at the same time."

"Well, perhaps this is the one advantage of Dr Moore remaining with us."

Jane chuckles, reaching out to discreetly take one of Maura's hands in her own. She threads her fingers through Maura's, squeezing gently, rousing a smile from Maura.

"Yeah. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?"

Jane stares out at the landscape ahead of her, one hand resting on the steering wheel and the other resting against Maura's thigh as she concentrates on the road in front. They're three hours into their journey when the cold sleet turns to snow - tiny flakes drifting slowly down at first and then thicker, blanketing the land around them.

Maura had been correct in her assumption that they'd have adequate cover should they want to take a vacation together and had, adorably, surprised Jane with a trip to a log cabin in Vermont's northernmost state forest. She'd felt consumed by guilt that this trip had started on the back of a lie, but the prospect of spending days alone with Maura had cheered her considerably.

She needed time away - time to gather herself and gain some resilience to fight on with the case she and Frost were working. It'd do her - and Maura - good. She's focusing on this, how best to shove everything into a tiny box at the back of her mind when she almost misses their turn off, steering a little too hard onto the long, winding track that'll take them to their destination.

"Where are you?" Maura asks softly and Jane shoots her a glance before turning back to the road.

"I'm right here."

"Where are you, here?" Maura taps the side of Jane's temple softly, fingertip resting there momentarily before she moves her hand to the nape of Jane's neck, fingernails scratching against her skin. Jane shivers at the sensation, not knowing how to reply.

"You've not said anything since we left Boston. Was I too presumptuous about this holiday?"

"No! Maura, no. I'm just...thinking about work. It's nothing. Takes a little while for me to switch it off. This is wonderful. You are so wonderful."

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything. I'm all ears, baby."

"You had a nightmare last night." It's a statement Jane can't deny - she'd woken up, dripping in sweat and tangled between the sheets to Maura sitting beside her, the tea that Jane had become so used to Maura making for her following a nightmare cradled in her hands.

"I'm sorry for waking you."

"You said…something."

"I did?"

"More specifically, a name."

Fuck. Jane knew it'd only be a matter of time before she'd slip up, in the throes of a night terror or not. She considers playing it down, but the thought of feeding Maura another lie is too much and she sighs, fixing both hands on the steering wheel.

She drops down a gear as they pull onto a muddied, snow-filled track, already beginning to freeze over in the cold. They only have thirty minutes to go but Jane feels it might as well as be thirty years.

"Who is Maddie?"

It's not the name Jane had prepared herself to hear and she stumbles over her words, gripping the steering wheel tight until her knuckles turn white.

"It's not what you think."

"What do I think?" Maura asks, tone laced with annoyance. Her newfound streak of jealousy runs strong and she reaches out, twisting the volume button on the radio so hard Jane is surprised it doesn't break off.

"Maura, I need you to not get wound up on this."

"I'm not wound. I'm curious."

"Curiosity kills Maura."

"Don't try and distract me with proverbs."

"I'm not trying to do anything but get us up this damn mountain without spinning off into a drift. Let me focus, would ya?" Jane snaps, immediately regretting it. She stares out of the window for a couple of seconds, not daring to meet Maura's gaze.

The wipers squeak noisily as they scrape against the windshield and Jane makes a spilt second decision to stop the car in the middle of the track, turning off the engine. She twists in her seat, eyes pricking with tears at Maura's hurt expression.

"I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."

Maura's silence is worse than her being angry and Jane shifts uncomfortably in her seat, attempting to compose herself.

"Maddie is...was som-"

"An ex?"

"No, definitely not an ex. You know how I told you that I had a really bad period when I was younger?"

"Yes, I recall."

"Well, it was...with a girl. A relationship, or something like that. And the girl you're asking me about played a leading role in some stuff I still have difficulty being open about." Jane gulps loudly, throat tightening at the thought of an impromptu storytime about the chapter of her life that almost broke her.

"And I don't think right now is the best time to start the discussion I've been dreading. So I guess, I'm asking you to just believe me when I say that in the present tense, Maddie is a nobody. She's nothing. This insane entity from way back when that doesn't belong here, between you and me."

She takes Maura's hands in her own, thumbs rubbing over her knuckles, hoping to bring some solace into what she's saying.

"I know it's a big ask - that you just believe what I'm sayin' and respect that I'm asking you to not question it. But I think it'll make sense in time, and you'll understand why it has to be this way."

Maura nods once, eyes meeting Jane's in silent understanding.

"I'll be here when you feel it's appropriate. I'm sorry if I upset you."

"Don't apologise. And anyway, how could I be upset when you're sitting here with me, ready to take me on a lumberjack style adventure through the woods? I even dressed for the occasion." She tugs at the collar of her plaid fleece, grinning as she starts the car up again.

Jane settles, Maura's acceptance and reassurance washing over her, a tonic to the ever-present fears within.

She can do anything - overcome everything, as long as she has Maura by her side.