below are things I found while profile searching that i thought were either ABSOLUTELY true or ABSOLUTELY hilarious. read at one's own risk.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock, leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my readymade fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you. Copy and paste this into your profile if you agree!

I don’t hate you, I just like everything else better.

I'm not accident prone, the world is attacking me!

Never get into an argument with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Don’t piss me off. Im running out of places to hide the bodies.

Im not bossy, I just have better ideas.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

You're just jealous coz the voices only talk to me!

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I'm not smiling at you I'm trying not to laugh!

Anyone who isn't a fan of James Bond is just a communist! Seeing how most of his enemies are.

Who laughs last thinks the slowest.

First law of science: don't spit into the wind.

First law of nature: Don’t eat the yellow snow.

When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in your enemies’ eyes!

What do you do when an Edward Cullen fangirl who's been shot is standing in front of you? Stop laughing and reload.

When Life gives you lemons, make grapefruit juice and let Life wonder how the heck you accomplished THAT!

Flirt like a butterfly, sting like a genetically modified, half-shark killer DEATH BEE!

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny

I think the absolute worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades...or during a game of "Fake A Heart Attack"--Someone's Signature (i find this both hysterical and horrifying)

"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet; when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat-a-ray, we could power entire metropolitan area." --Dunno, found on someone’s bio.

"Two things in the world are indefinite, the universe and people's stupidity. And I'm not sure about the first."--Albert Einstein

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it takes only 4 muscles to punch them.

Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that.

Suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me! I quit!"

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Girls want a lot of things from one guy, yet guys only want one thing from many girls. No wonder so many relationships go up in flames.

Most people are alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

Women go into marriage expecting men to change and they don't. Men go into marriages expecting women to stay the same, but they don't.

Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

People like you are the reason there are middle fingers.

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I am not God!

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

I love having friends, they do so many things I can laugh at.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys, and PMS, why the heck do people still tell me to have a nice day?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot. (Alot meaning all the time...)

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')

After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'

You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.

You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (well no, but I've gone though ALOT of pencils)

Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.

People think you have A.D.D.

You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.

You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny when you laugh for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.

(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)

Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.

If electricity comes from electrons, where do you think morality comes from? (Hehe MORONS! For those of you who didn't figure it out)

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

if you've ever walked into a wall before copy this into your profile.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is full.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap the person telling you this.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do kill me?

You're intoxicated by my very presence

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

My friends use to be normal untill they met ME! :)

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

"She's my best friend. Break her heart, and I'll break your face."

"Love your enemies. It makes them so mad."

16 ways to maintain a Healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars, see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put a garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their Caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

6. Finish all your sentences with “In Accordance to the Prophecy”.

7. Dont use any punctuation

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Specify that your drive thru order is “To Go”

10. Sing Along at the Opera

11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

12. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I WON I WON!!”

14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

15. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

16. Send this to your friends to make them smile, It’s called therapy.

23 Ways To Annoy People In An Elevator

1)CRACK open your bag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air
in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting
off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you
Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re
one of THEM” – and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when someone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have
new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a
while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.

22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

23) When the lift is going down scream “we’re gonna die"

People tell me I'm weird and I say "You just figured that out?"

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling toward Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

It’s retarded it’s ridiculous it’s re-dic-u-tard-ed.

What girls don't seem to know: when a guy acts like he hates you, chances are, he likes you. What guys don't seem to know: when a girl acts like she hates you, chances are, she hates you.

I don't have a short attention span, I just - ooh, pretty lights!

You look at the clock at 11:09 and say "I WILL NOT MISS 11:11" then stare at the clock until 11:10 and look away and when you look back its 11:12... "DANG-IT!" lol

You're watching tv and when it goes to commercials you forget what you are watching

Have you ever noticed how lol looks like someone drowning? But this makes it look like they are drowning and getting chased by a shark-

lol

Something to think about: If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetballs? Oh, deep, I know.

A true idiot climbs a glass wall to see what's on the other side.

I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

I don't understand white crayons! Why are they here? What do they want from us?

"Let's eat Grandma!" or "Let's eat, Grandma!" Punctuation saves lives.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice in the eyes of your enemies.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice. Then, sit back and watch the whole world wonder how the heck you DID that.

When life gives you lemons, read them and drool.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

How to get kicked out of walmart

-pull out all the phones for display and as the alarm goes off yell "RED ALERT, RED ALERT DANGER, DANGER

-Take a fishing pole,get some of the worms then pretend to fish in the water fountain

-Go to the book section & everytime somebody says something yell "THIS IS A LIBARY" in their face

-(Requires a friend) take a rolled up poster & pretend to play swords with each other

-Grab some eggs & everytime you see a person come by throw them at them yelling "Look I just scrambled your eggs"

-Take milk and continually do spit takes

-Sneak up behind an employee breath heavily on their neck then say "I've been expecting you"

-(Requires a friend) Get you friend to push you up and down the aisles while both of you yell "I DON'T NEED NOOTHIN BUT A FAT-CAKE"

- Go to the work out area and teel people "Feel the burn,shed those pounds,build up a sweat, tread the mill

-Go to the old people diaper section open the package put on a pair in the right place and on your head then run around the store yelling "I'm a rugrat,Phil Lil stop eating bugs unless you give me any

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS:

1) IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, KIDS FROM MY SCHOOL HAVE BEEN FINDING AND READING MY STORIES.

I SIMPLY HAVE ONE THING TO SAY: YES, MY STORIES ARE MUSHY AND DRAMA-FILLED. BITE ME. SERIOUSLY, GUYS, IF YOU GO TO MY SCHOOL AND YOU'VE READ THESE, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM UNLESS YOU LIKED THEM. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A BUNCH OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS FROM MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE THESE STORIES ARE MY THERAPY. I POUR SO MUCH OF MYSELF INTO THEM, WHEN SOME ONE JUDGES THEM, I FEEL LIKE IT'S A PERSONAL JAB TO ME.

SO, PLEASE, DON'T DO IT.

THAT IS ALL.