for havva ( calzonapager on twt) who wanted: "arizona is sobbing bc she remembers all the things mark said and she starts to believe it, callie walks into an on call room and sees her crying and pulls her in her arms and asks what happened and az finally tells her and yeah she comforts her"

title from david bowie's "across the universe"

the original title of the doc was: arizona and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

nothing's gonna change my world

Arizona stumbled into the on-call room. The door barely shut behind her before tears spilt down her cheeks. She all but collapsed onto one of the beds, burying her face in her hands.

Today was just… not her day, to put it lightly.

Callie hadn't slept well, her incisions still occasionally flaring up. All night, she had been tossing and turning and miserable, which had kept Arizona up as she tried to help Callie get comfortable. Sofia also slept poorly, which Arizona was firmly blaming on Mark, to be frank. He was horrible at keeping to her sleep schedule, at least in Arizona's opinion, which meant that she slept poorly at theirs and it was just a never-ending cycle. Needless to say, Arizona was operating on about three hours of sleep and those three hours had been in forty-five-minute increments at best as she got up with Sofia so Callie could get more rest.

And that had all been before breakfast.

Then she and Callie managed to sleep through their alarm, being awoken by Mark coming through for breakfast, which was always a delight. And both she and Callie were exhausted and snippy and very, very late. And Mark had been hovering around and in the way and she made a snotty comment to him, which pissed off Callie, which set Sofia off.

And they had still been late for work.

Matters hadn't improved when she was pulled into a trauma nearly as soon as she stepped through the door, not even having time for a cup of coffee.

Oh yeah, she hadn't had any coffee or really any food beyond half of a yoghurt and God, her head hurt (admittedly, the crying wasn't helping with that).

A twelve-year-old died on her table and she wanted to scream, but instead, she plastered on a smile and caught up with Alex, who was just in a delightful mood of muttering under his breath and scowling at everything that moved. Any other day and she might have tried to deal with it, but she was simply too tired. So she ignored Alex's mood and got yelled at by a mother because her son's surgery wasn't scheduled for another day and Arizona just nodded along because the woman was scared and lashing out and it was fine.

Arizona had been heading down to finally get some coffee when Owen had pulled her into a meeting that she had somehow forgotten about. Arizona didn't forget things. She kept detailed notes and a calendar and she didn't forget things. And yet somehow, she forgot about the budget meeting with Owen and thank God, nobody in their right minds would ever cut the peds budget because she was not ready and it was humiliating. Arizona hadn't been that unprepared for something since her freshman year history project on Marie Antoinette that had coincided with her dad coming home from deployment.

Still no coffee either.

Which brought her to her current place of having a full-blown meltdown in an on-call room.

Not the budget meeting with Owen. Owen somehow didn't intimidate her enough to bring her to tears. Which was ironic considering that on paper he was probably the closest to her father. It probably had something to do with the numerous uncomfortable encounters when they had all been living in the apartment.

Nope, it wasn't Owen or Callie's snippiness this morning or Mark's hovering or even her lack of sleep and food, although that couldn't be helping matters.

It had been the preemie that had been doing so well, little Jessie who was getting stronger every day, a little fighter. Jessie was on track to go home by the end of the month and now she was in the morgue. She was in the morgue and she had a shock of black hair just like Sofia and she was tiny, only a little bit bigger than Sofia had been. And Arizona should've done more. She should've fought harder.

She fought tooth and nail for Sofia. She should've fought that hard for Jessie. Why had she given up? Was there something more she could've done?

Arizona bit down hard on her bottom lip before a sob could escape. The last thing she wanted was someone coming to check on her.

She was so tired and her heart just hurt. She could barely even remember the last night she had actually slept through the night.

Probably before she left for Africa, so what? Over a year ago?

Because she hadn't been able to sleep in Malawi. At first, she just blamed it on the jet lag. But even then, she knew it wasn't jet lag; it was heartbreak or loss or grief or all of the above. She couldn't sleep without Callie holding her. And she felt so weak for it.

And then she had been back in Seattle and everything was a mess and Callie was pregnant, which meant cravings and discomfort and Arizona needed to prove to Callie that she was in. And really, she was happy to run around for Callie, she was. Add in Stark's little power trips and Arizona functioned off of coffee and pure determination because she was in and she wasn't going anywhere.

After the crash, Arizona had been terrified to sleep because what would happen if she fell asleep? She had to be there for Callie and Sofia. She had to hold it together. They were relying on her. And after all, it was Arizona's fault they were even there in the first place.

She had spent weeks curled up in an uncomfortable hospital chair by Callie's bedside, the sound of Callie's heart rate somehow soothing to her. It reminded her that Callie was still there, that she was alive.

From there, they were thrust into the unstable sleep schedule of a baby and Arizona was quick to volunteer to settle Sofia. It was a peaceful moment with her daughter, just the pair of them. Despite the lack of sleep, it was Arizona's favourite time because it was just her and Sofia. Arizona treasured those little moments because it had almost all vanished in a heartbeat. She was Sofia's mama. She just sometimes needed to remind herself of that.

Even as Sofia's sleep schedule regulated itself, Arizona dreaded sleeping. The tiny coffins were even tinier and it was always Sofia. If it wasn't Sofia, it was Callie. Callie bleeding out on the car. Callie lying far too still in a hospital bed. Callie in the middle of the OR without a heartbeat.

But most frequent in her nightmares, and something that she would never admit to Callie, was Mark. Mark's voice echoed endlessly and she could see him holding Sofia and walking away with Callie. And he had apologized but she didn't think she'd ever be rid of those words.

Because he was right.

That sent her into a fresh wave of tears. Those words ate at her. It felt like they were branded into her very being at this point.

She was nothing. Nothing legally at least. She was Callie's wife and Sofia's mother, but that could all disappear in a split second.

Because Mark was the father and she was nothing.

So she made peace with Mark and tried because at the end of the day, Mark could be the one deciding if she ever got to see Sofia again if something happened to Callie.

She wanted to believe that he wouldn't keep her from Sofia, that he was as good of a person as Callie thought. And she didn't think Mark was evil or anything of the like. But he had still made his feelings towards her very clear and no amount of peaceful co-parenting and apologies could erase that look of contempt and fear and anger on Mark's face from her mind.

Maybe years from now, they'd laugh about it and it would be just a tense episode in their past.

But Arizona wasn't there yet.

She still felt on edge at times around Mark. She still felt like she had to fight for her place in Sofia's life. And she would do so happily because Sofia and Callie were her whole world.

And she had almost lost them.

And she had lost Jessie.

Arizona dug her nails into her palms, letting the sharp edges bite in painfully. Her mother's broken sobs as Teddy informed them rang in Arizona's ears. She had barely managed to keep it together to stand next to Teddy as she outlined how Jessie's heart had failed. Jessie's father had fallen silent for a few beats before his grief turned to anger, demanding answers. She had managed to mutter a half-hearted excuse to Teddy before fleeing to the on-call room.

She just needed to cry for a bit and then she'd be fine and she could be her usual self and it'd be fine. Because she needed to be fine.

She would cry and then she could go back to peacefully co-parenting and holding her daughter and not feeling like nothing.

Arizona curled onto her side, biting down on her bottom lip to stop a sob from escaping. The material of the pillow scratched at her cheek, but it barely even registered with her. One hand gripped tight to her scrub top while the other wrapped around her ribcage.

She felt like she was falling to pieces and she didn't know what to do.

It was like she hadn't been able to come up for air in well over a year and everything was crashing into her. She couldn't burden Callie with all of this. She couldn't tell Callie that she was so scared all of the time, of losing her, of losing Sofia. She couldn't tell Callie that she didn't trust Mark as far as she could throw him, that she was trying so hard to make things work with Mark, but she couldn't ever rid herself of his voice in her head, reminding her that she was nothing. She couldn't do that to Callie.

Not when Callie was finally happy and in a good place and delighted by how well co-parenting with Mark was going. Not when Callie smiled like she used to again. Arizona wouldn't take that away from her.

Arizona squeezed her eyes shut, tears sliding across the bridge of her nose.

She just needed a minute and then she could go back to holding it together.

Just a minute….

xx

"No, you don't get a say. This is my family. I'm the father. I'm the father! You're not anything, you're nothing!"

"You're untrustworthy, so I don't want to see you. You're self-centered, so I don't want to see you. I am a hundred percent certain that if I let you back in my life again you will hurt me again, so I don't want to see you. This isn't a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want you in my life."

"I'm the father!"

"Go back to Africa, Arizona."

Callie smiling at her, Sofia tucked in her arms.

Mark appearing next to her, that stupid smug grin on his face.

Arizona wanted to scream, but no sound came out.

Mark wrapped an arm around Callie's shoulders and they turned away.

As they walked away, Mark glanced back over his shoulder.

"Don't you get it, Robbins? You're nothing."

"Arizona! Arizona!"

"Arizona, wake up!"

"'m not nothin'," Arizona whimpered into her pillow, fighting against the hands tugging at her shoulders.

"Damn it, Arizona, wake up, sweetheart. C'mon."

Callie?

A warm body curled around her protectively, the pair of them just barely fitting on the bed.

Arizona finally managed to blink her eyes open, finding Callie watching her carefully as she held her. She pressed herself closer into Callie's side, desperate for the reassurance of Callie's presence. Tears continued to fall down her cheeks.

"Arizona…" Callie started and the hesitation and pity in her voice broke Arizona.

"I'm… I'm not nothing. I can't be nothing. I'm not nothing. I'm Sofia's Mama. I'm not… I'm not…"

Callie brushed her hair back from her face. Her eyes searched Arizona's face, dread clearly present. "What?" She asked softly.

"I'm not nothing. This is, you're my family. You and Sofia. And I… I… I… protect the things I love and I love both of you and I'm not nothing. I can't be nothing. Callie, please, you can't leave me. You can't… I couldn't survive losing you and Sofia, please, Callie. Calliope, I can't… I won't be able to handle you walking away-"

"Arizona, Arizona, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere, Sofia's not going anywhere. And if we're going anywhere, you're coming with us." Arizona managed to bob her head a bit, still holding tight to Callie as if she might vanish before her eyes. "You… no one is going anywhere, okay?"

Arizona sucked in a shaky breath, unable to shake the ache in her chest, that feeling of loss that had lingered in the months since the accident.

"You're not nothing, Arizona."

Those words were enough to send Arizona spiraling back into full-blown, gasping sobs. She buried her face in Callie's shoulder in a weak attempt to hide it.

"Arizona? What is it?" Callie's fingers tugged through her hair, gently pulling apart any tangles she found. Arizona just shook her head against Callie's shoulder. "Please, I need you to talk to me."

"It's," Arizona stumbled over her next words, "no-not important."

"You're, you're sobbing and you woke up crying. Clearly it's important to you."

Part of her wanted to tell Callie, just let everything spill out. But part of her was even more afraid of rocking the boat, of upsetting the delicate, peaceful balance they had found in recent months. That sharing this aching secret could somehow spur Arizona's worst nightmare into effect.

"I can't… I can't, you, you don't want to know," she said between gasping breaths. "Calliope, really, it's fine."

"That would be so much more convincing if you weren't crying."

Cheeks burning, Arizona tried to wipe away her tears with the back of her hand.

How was she supposed to tell Callie that her best friend, the father of their child had said those things? That Mark had told her she was nothing and that sometimes, in her worst moments, Arizona couldn't help but believe it. That Arizona still felt like she had to fight for a place in Sofia's life.

"Arizona, please, it hurts to see you like this."

"Please, just leave it alone. Believe me. Just trust me, it's better this way, that you don't know what Ma-" Arizona's mouth snapped shut, her eyes going wide. "Just leave it."

"That I don't know what Mark what? What Mark what, Arizona?"

The last thing she wanted was to hurt Callie. But she knew that this would hurt Callie immensely. She was so happy with the way things were and Mark was her best friend and this would ruin everything. Arizona was good at that. Ruining everything.

"Just… it's not important. We've both apologised now. Mark's over it."

"But you're not." Callie brushed her fingers over Arizona's jaw, finally succeeding in drawing Arizona's gaze back to her. "I can see how much this is hurting you. I can't… I hate seeing you cry. What happened with Mark?"

Arizona shook her head, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. "Callie…"

"Arizona, just tell me. It can't be… it can't be that bad. I mean, you two, you two get along fine now. You're great now," Callie offered weakly and Arizona could almost hear the defense of Mark on the tip of her tongue. "You're like happy co-parents, so I just-"

"Mark said I was nothing!"

The words hung in the air for a moment as Arizona inhaled a short breath, almost surprised that she had said anything.

"What?" Callie choked out, "What do you mean?"

"Mark called me nothing! He said… he said it was his family and I was nothing! That I wasn't anything!" The words just spilled out of her and she couldn't stop herself. "He said I was nothing, that I wasn't anything. He wanted to… he wanted to let the baby die, let Sofia die so you could live because you two could always just 'screw again' and make another baby! I thought you were going to die, I thought Sofia was going to die and Mark was yelling about how he was the father and all I could think about was that I was going to lose my family and I was nothing!" Arizona's chest heaved as she paused. "I was nothing…."

Callie cupped her cheek gently, her eyes shining with tears. "God, Arizona, why didn't you say anything?"

"Because there were more important things going on and you were fighting for your life and Mark and I apologised and… and… you hate when I don't like Mark and I don't want to stress-"

"You're my wife. If you're upset, I'm upset."

"Callie…."

Callie dragged her thumb across Arizona's cheekbone, catching a few stray tears. "Arizona, you, you should've told me ages ago. I would've-"

"You would've what, Callie? You would've told me that Mark didn't mean it? That he's a great father and he was just upset? You always, always defend him. Mark can do no wrong, and I, I, I'm always the bad guy. He's always there, he's always in the middle of everything and it's not like I enjoy arguing with Mark. It's not even worth it to argue with Mark because it always ends the same way. I just…. It's fine."

"You keep saying it's fine, but you're not fine, Arizona. You're hiding in an on-call room, having nightmares and I had to ask Teddy where you were. You used to… I'm your wife, Arizona, you should be able to tell me things. You should be coming to me if you're upset. Not hiding and holding things in until you're falling apart." Arizona worried at her bottom lip until she could taste blood, barely able to hold Callie's gaze. Callie gently pulled at her bottom lip. "Don't make yourself bleed. You know I can't stand to see you hurt." Callie's words were clearly meant for more than just her bleeding lip. "You know you're everything to me, right?"

"Yeah," Arizona rasped, but her heart wasn't really in it. She wanted to believe Callie more than anything, but the weight of her nightmare still lay heavy on her shoulders.

"Mark, he shouldn't have said that. God, I can't believe him. I can't believe he would say that to you. How could he say that to you?"

Arizona half-shrugged a shoulder, one hand coming up to rest on Callie's chest, idly playing with her necklace.

"He was going to let Sofia die?" Callie asked, her voice cracking. "Just like that?"

"If it would give you a better chance, because you two could just 'screw again'," Arizona tried and failed to keep the bitterness, the contempt out of her voice, "and make another baby."

"I'm going to kill him. I love Sofia, but the only babies I want are babies with you. I think… I think, well, for starters, I want to kick Mark's ass." Arizona chuckled, the sound half-muffled by Callie's shirt. "And Arizona, you're not, you're not the bad guy." Arizona let out a half-hearted hum of acknowledgement. "No, I'm serious. I should… Mark and I should have more boundaries. He's my best friend, but you're my wife and you're my family. You and Sofia are my family. He needs to not be so dependent on me…" Callie trailed off, her eyes going wide. "Oh my God, am I George?"

Arizona sat up slightly, narrowing her eyes at Callie. "What?"

"Am I George and Mark is Izzie?"

Arizona's mouth fell open as she stared at Callie in shock. "Are you… are you sleeping with Mark again? I mean, obviously, I know about the whole Africa thing, that's how we have Sofia but, but-"

"No!" Callie cut her off before Arizona could say anything even more stupid. "No, no, no. I just… George always, he always picked Izzie, he let Izzie get in the middle of things and, and I've let Mark get in the middle of things and it clearly hurts you and I hate… I just hate this, you crying and not talking to me because of something Mark said." Arizona opened her mouth to speak, but Callie cut in, "Do not say you're fine again, I swear to God."

"Fine," Arizona said with the faintest hint of a smile.

"I can't believe you kept this from me for this long. Is… is your argument with Mark what all of your nightmares have been about?"

Arizona nodded a bit. "Well, not all of them, but a lot of them."

"So all the times you told me it was tiny coffins…?"

"Mainly Mark saying, saying 'you're nothing' or you or Sofia dying. I can't… I can't get the image, the sound of, of, when Sofia was born…" Arizona trailed off as she choked up. Callie pulled her in ever closer. "I'm just so scared and so tired all of the time and I wouldn't trade this for anything, but I just… I need to know that you're not going anywhere."

"Hey, I said for better and worse, didn't I? I'm always gonna be there for you, okay? I just can't read your mind all the time, so please stop holding things in. Especially not to protect Mark. Mark's a big boy, he can handle himself. Although I am gonna kick his ass and I think some time apart from Mark wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

Arizona tried her best not to react to Callie's words, words that honestly meant an embarrassing amount to her. This was all she wanted, confirmation that Callie chose her, that she saw her.

"I love you, Calliope," Arizona whispered before leaning up to capture Callie's lips in a soft, slow kiss.

As they separated, their foreheads pressed together, Callie whispered back, "I love you too."

xx

there's about an 85% chance of a follow up to this with callie confronting mark so lmk if you wanna see that

hit me up on twitter lavender_lenax or tumblr avasharpest or in the comments here if you have requests! (for either drabbles or something longer!)

much love xx