Chapter 45 is yours. My tears while writing this are yours too.
Writing background music on repeat : The day that I ruined your life by Boston Manor. Try it.
See you in the reviews. Don't hate me.
Curled up on my couch with a book, I intend to spend a nice and relaxing day, reading and sipping coffee. The last few days have been overwhelming, from the trip to England, to the last conversation with Jace which gave me whiplash. Everything is so blurred right now. According to what Alec told me, he and Aline are not a couple but they were seen multiple times together and I heard her in the phone behind him a few months ago. That precise night when everything spiralled. I push back the thoughts in the back of my head, not wanting to deal with too many emotions right now.
I sigh, taking the cup of coffee on the table. I can't help worrying for him. He seems so vulnerable and yet so invincible at the same time, like nothing could hurt him. But he's so frail, so fragile, and he's taking dangerous paths. I wish I could believe him when he kind of promised to seek for help but I'm not sure. His friends tried to help him and he brushed them off so who I am to succeed ?
One thing I'm sure of : I'm irrevocably in love with him. And I don't know how to tell him. Even if his decision of not doing relationship stays firm, he deserves nevertheless to know he's enough, to know he's loved. What's the point ? To leave the door open to something more, maybe. Or to get a closure, if he tells me he's not feeling the same for me at all.
I was determined to cut him off my life but that was before seeing him again. One word of him, one touch, and I was definitely lost. He's such a big part of my life without even realising it, he's in my thoughts everyday, every hour, every minute. I've never felt something like this before, even with Seb. That was a comfortable affection, but this is an explosive consuming love. Would it be okay if I call him ? Or text him? I don't even know where to stand with him. Are we friends ? Or less? This is so frustrating.
Knock, knock.
I'm not waiting anybody. Especially on a Sunday. I have hardly the time to open up the door that a really agitated Maia erupts in my living room.
"Wooow Maia, easy girl, what's going on?" I ask, a bit worried.
"Have you been online today ? Have you checked your social media or anything else?" she nervously asks.
"That's a strange question but no, I haven't since yesterday evening." I laugh. "I'm trying to do a social media detox, once a week."
She looks down, rummaging through her bag. I'm concerned about what's happening, Maia is someone usually joyful and calm but everything in her today exudes anxiety and stress.
"Okay, that's a good start", she says, holding her phone. "Jordan called me this morning."
"Jordan? As English Jordan?" I know they seemed to connect immediately but I didn't know they exchanged their phone numbers. "Wait? Is there a problem? Why did he call you?"
"He wanted me to tell you the news you before you found out in the news online."
I immediately panic. "Is it Jace? What's happening Maia? You're scaring me, Tell me please."
Taking my hand in hers, she begins. "Jace is in hospital Clary, he will make it but he almost died last night." Her words are harsh but they have the merit of setting the scene immediately. She hands me her phone, her screen displaying the awful truth in bold letters "Wild London tragic party in film industry : one dead, one in life- threatening condition."
"Jace overdosed, Clary. The guy he was with didn't make it."
Overdose ? Death? But he told me he would seek help. He fucking promised, I think, my breath getting erratic. And all of a sudden, my body is just a shaking mess and I can't see anything, I can't hear anything. I can only feel Maia's hand on my mouth, forcing me to catch my breath again. I take one large gulp of air and finally, I get a grip on myself.
"Clary, Clary, be with me. Feel my hand. Feel the ground under your feet. Focus. You're having a panic attack. But he's okay, Clary, I promise, he's okay." She cries.
"He's okay, he's okay, he's okay…" I chant, my tears running on my cheeks, curling up against my friend's body. The comfort of her arms and the words she whispers are not enough to calm me but at least, the panic slowly fades away. I try to grab my phone from the couch but she stops my hand. "Let me call him, please, I need to hear him. I need to hear his voice. I need to hear him alive."
She shakes her head. "He can't talk right now Clary. He's intubated. It's gonna take a few days before he will be able to leave the hospital."
"But I need to see him. I can't stay here and leave him alone. He needs me."
"He's not alone Clary. His parents are with him, Alec, the other guys too. They all know what happened and they are all here to help him recover."
Her words are supposed to reassure me but they just make me realise I'm nothing for him officially. I probably won't be allowed to enter the hospital if I go to see him, and apart from Alec and the rest of the band, no one will know who I am. If they allow someone with him, it would be Aline, because well, to the eyes of the world, they're together and she's famous.
"Trust me, they're gonna take care of him. Jordan told me he would give up updates as often as possible, and he said that you could call Alec too, I have his number. But you can't talk or see Jace now, you'll have to be patient."
"I love him, Maia, you don't know how much I love him with all my heart." I sob.
"It's obvious Clary, and he's gonna need that love to recover. Be ready to be strong for him."
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ten days passed since Jace's overdose.
I talked to Alec a few times since then, and Jace is making progress every day. They removed the tube in his throat the day after he was admitted and reduced the drugs they are giving him to make him regain consciousness. Five days ago he was able to speak and eat alone. Today he is supposed to be released from hospital and go back home.
I learnt more about what happened when I called Alec a few days ago. The paramedics were called to an apartment in Soho, with the information that two men were unconscious, hardly breathing after having taken drugs. When they arrived, it was too late for one of them, a wannabe actor called Meliorn, who died at the scene and they rushed the other one to the ER. After one complicated night when they almost lost him many times, they managed to stabilise him and in the morning, he was finally in the clear. Despite all his efforts, his publicist didn't succeed in covering up what happened, and Jace made the headlines the following day. At least he managed to hide a few details, like the fact that heroin was involved in Jace's overdose and he was found with the syringe still in his arm.
That detail broke me even more. I haven't suspected until then the depth of his addiction and how I could have lost him. I don't know how I managed to go to work and teach during this week, especially with all the kids talking about this. I knew they tried to go easy on me and not to talk in front of me but even if they were careful, it didn't stop me from hearing everything they said about him. Like today.
I walk between the rows while students are gatherings their books, to collect the tests, when I hear them.
"Do you think he's dead and his manager tries to hide it? I have a bad feeling about this", one girl wonders.
"I'm sure he's okay. He needs to be okay. I don't know how I'll live if he's not there anymore" Mary declares.
I know she has a crush on Jace and that she badly wants to ask me how he is. Once or twice, she tried to approach me at the end of the class, but I dismissed her.
"Ladies, class is over, could you please go chat outside?" I ask, pushing them slightly towards the door.
But Mary apparently today gets the courage she's been missing so far.
"Miss? Can I ask you something please?"
"If this is about what you were talking with your friends, I won't tell you more, Mary, it's not my place to give you information", I answer calmly.
"But please, tell me just if he's okay. There are rumours he might be dead. I just want to know if he's okay" she pleads, her voice broken with sobs. I realise then how much he's loved and worshipped amongst the young generation.
I take her hand and slightly squeeze. Tears gather in my eyes and my voice shakes too. "I can just tell you he's not dead. He's recovering at the moment and I'm sure he'll be okay soon. Don't worry."
"Oh miss, thank you. Thank you, you're the best", she cries, before leaving and closing the door behind her.
I lied to her. Even if he's not dead, I'm not sure at all he's gonna be okay soon. For the past few days, Alec and his family have been trying to find a rehab center for him but he has refused to go. Like me, Alec knows Jace has a tendency to self destruction when he's angry or upset. So he decided to stay with him at his flat to keep an eye on him, a decision that apparently Jace has difficulties to come to terms with.
Speaking of the devil…
He's been hiding in his bedroom since we came back. Don't know what to do. ~ Alec.
How is he? ~ Clary
He put music aloud but I think he's crying. You need to help us Clary, you have to talk to him into going to rehab. ~ Alec
He won't listen to me. He's so stubborn. I know it. But I know I need to try, for his own safety.
I can try. ~ Clary
Can you come to his flat to talk to him? Tomorrow? ~ Alec
I know I can't. There's no way I can find and excuse to miss work. I also have parents meeting every evening this week.
Seems impossible. Could we FaceTime maybe ? Would he agree to talk to me? You can call me now if you're okay. ~ Clary.
I only have the time to lock the door of my classroom when I see Alec's name lighting up my phone. As soon as I answer, his tired face appears on the screen. He clearly hasn't slept since a few days considering the dark circles under his eyes and his three day stubble.
"Hi, I'm not gonna ask how you are, I can see you're not okay. How are things with him?" I ask.
"Not good, he's locked up in his bedroom, and forbade me to enter." He explains, walking through Jace's flat with his phone up. As soon as he comes closer the bedroom, I hear loud heavy music coming through the door.
"It's been like this since we came back from the hospital" he sighs. "It's not gonna be pretty, Clary, he is angry and bitter against the whole world and I'm sure he's gonna give us a hard time. But I'm ready to face that if it means he's getting help after. Are you ready?"
I nod, gulping. I have already seen Jace losing his temper and I know what I can expect.
Or I think I knew. Because nothing prepared me for what I see when Alec opens the door.
As soon as Jace notices his presence on the threshold, he launches himself towards his best friend, gripping the door handle and trying to make him leave. I immediately see how his stay at the hospital and his overdose have weakened him. He seems even more fragile than the last time I saw him, trying to push Alec out of his room, with no strength. His realisation of his own weakness passes through his eyes and makes him lose his self control. He grabs Alec by the throat and tries to force him to step back.
" Stop!" I shriek, completely heartbroken and helpless by the scene displaying on the screen.
Jace's head spins quickly at the sound of my voice. He frees Alec and retreats to the other side on the room, sitting cross legged on his bed, taking his head into his heads, his fingers nervously grabbing the roots of his hair. All my being hurts at the sight of his vulnerability and pain.
"Jace, man, listen to me." Alec asks gently.
"No, leave." His voice is hoarse, almost inaudible.
"Clary wants to talk to you, Jace. Please listen to her. She wants to help you."
"I can't be helped. I'm fucked up. I don't deserve to be alive.I'm not worth it." He spits.
I breathe deeply. How can I help someone who doesn't want it ?
"Jace." I quietly said. "Jace" I repeat, raising my voice, managing to gain his attention. He stares at the screen, eyes red and swollen, devoid of any life. "Can you listen to me Jace? Please."
"What's the point? I'm worthless. I've ruined your life."
Hearing him depreciating himself is unbearable but I need for once to be the strongest of us. "Stop that. Alec, can you leave us please ? We need to talk in private." He seems to hesitate, but what can happen apart from Jace refusing to talk. "It's gonna be okay, trust me."
A few seconds pass and Jace is still staring at the screen. The way he looks at me is turning my blood to ice.
"Jace. I know you can hear me. You have to seek help, you can't stay like this. You're ruining your life. I know it's difficult to reach out, but trust me, it's gonna to be worth it when you're back on tracks and healthy again."
He snorts. "I already told you, there's no point. I ruined your life, I killed Meliorn, I'm alone."
"You didn't kill Meliorn Jace. You didn't put the poison in his veins, he is the only responsible for that. Don't feel guilty about that."
"You don't understand", he replies raising his voice, his fingers getting their way back to his hair. "I saw him getting worse and I didn't call for help. No, I chose to stick that thing in my arm as well."
As soon as the world leave his mouth, my heart can't help aching more. How can he see himself as the villain here when he almost died?
"Jace, listen to me, you are not guilty for fuck's sake. You almost died. Please, for all the people around you who love you so dearly, please, accept that you need help."
"I'm not worth it, Clary. I'm a monster, and you're the best person to know that."
Tears are falling on his cheeks quietly, I know he's on the verge of losing it, going from anger to sadness. His chin rests on his chest, his head low, all in him scream defeat.
"Jace, look at me." He doesn't move at all, his breath erratic. I didn't want to open my heart to him but I'm gonna have to be honest if I want to talk some sense into him. "Jace, you're so worth it. You're the most infuriating person in the world but the most beautiful one too, inside and out. You're strong and fragile at the same time. You can make the world fall at your feet with just a genuine smile but you can also prove you have a big heart and you're not afraid to show your feelings. You deserve to be loved. You don't know how loved you are, Your parents love you, Alec loves you. Your friends love you, the world love you. You should hear how worried my students are. Everybody love you."
"But you don't."
My eyes water at his statement. How can he believe I don't love him, when my soul, body and heart scream my adoration and love for him ?
"And you're right, I brought only pain and chaos in your life. You should hate me. Everyone should hate me." He adds, nervously lighting a cigarette and exhaling smoke so thick I can't see his face for a few seconds.
"I do hate you Jace. With all my being. I hate you because you force me to act like a grown up, to take my life on hands, to face the vacuity of my marriage. I hate you because you gave me the whole world without knowing it and you took it back without warning. I hate you because you believed I was asking for money or whatever else when I told you I was pregnant. I hate you because you don't let me help you, and because you prefer to destroy yourself than act like an adult. But I love you more. I love you with every fibre of my body and soul. I love you because you reveal what was hidden deep inside me for years. I love you for the feelings you provoked in me. I love you because you treated me like an equal and respected me when I engaged myself in this thing with you. I love you because you make me beautiful, loved, and desirable. I love you for the strength you have in you and that sensibility you're not afraid to show. I love you for who you were, who you are and who you will be. I love you now and I'll love you tomorrow. You are a part of my life even if it hurts and I wouldn't want you to disappear."
A sob gets caught in his throat. "Oooh darling…"
"Baby, look at me." That's the first time I venture to call him with a term of endearment. I hope that small thing will make him feel more the love I've just professed aloud. He looks up, settling his eyes on my face. He looks so exhausted, and yet he's alive, before me, and I curse myself for not being next to him to engulf him in a comforting embrace.
"I don't know what the future holds for me or for us, but I know what the future holds for you. You need to seek help Jace, you need to get healthy, because there's a whole music career in front of you, as well as a film career. You have to make people dream with the characters you portray on screen, and make people feel with your lyrics and music. And for that, you need to let us help you, you need to let us find you a place where you can focus on getting back to yourself. Please, baby. Don't deny us the right to care for you."
We are now both crying our heart out, tears streaming on our face.
"Will you be there ? When I come back?" He quietly asks.
"I'll be there. Remember what you told me once ? we're friends. And friends are here in the good moments but even in the bad ones."
His mouth trembles as he exhales. "Guess I wasn't a good friend when you needed me the most."
"Don't think about that now. When you're back on tracks, and if you want it, we will talk. We will need to sort everything out. But before that, you need to focus on yourself."
A few seconds pass and I hang onto his very word. Our future is within his hands.
"I'll do it."