Yeah... I've been gone a long freaking time. I'd apologize but it couldn't be helped. It was a shit year.

We had three major losses in just under a year. None were covid. It will literally be a year in another few days since the first loss. The last loss was only about 15 days ago... the second loss was my mom in July. She was my world so it's a bit rough all around here.

That said, I'm posting a chapter and hope to finish the story before year's end. There are only a few chapters left.

Thank you for sticking with it. marsupial is still aces.

Dear Emily,

I'm sorry. I should be saying this in person but I can't. I can't look in your eyes and do the right thing. And the right thing is for me to go. I know you'll probably forgive me for it all but I can't forgive myself. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But I need to go so you can have a chance to have a real life. You have it in you. You are one of the bravest girls I know. Live Emily.

Cook

Emily had her eyes closed as the plane taxied. She hadn't looked at the letter left to her in over two years but she still knew every word. The emotions it brought to the surface were far different than the ones she'd originally had reading it. Where it had brought a torrent of sadness and anger then, it brought warmth and love now. But it had taken a while. There was a voice on the airplane's intercom droning on about flying with them but she simply reached into her pocket and turned up the volume to her earpods.

Two years ago…

Emily unlocked the flat's door and slowly crept in. It was beyond late and she didn't want to wake James. It was a surprise to find him asleep on the couch. She paused next to him. His face was a perfect picture of the little boy she remembered. The man he had become was there but his features were peaceful, unworried. A smile lit up her face and she knelt down. Her hand touched his hair. His eyes popped open. He managed to hold back from tackling her in a hug. The relief he felt was hidden in a long stretch instead. Meeting her eyes, he searched for hints of sadness, fear, regret. Anything that would let him know where she was at. For a second, she was his old Emily. It tugged at him.

"Hi." He croaked out. "You ok?" She smiled at him as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Yeah... yeah, I am." She gestured to the couch. "Were you waiting for me?"

"Me? Noo.. nope.. I wouldn't... I mean.. you're a grown-up..." He was shit at lying. "Maybe. But it's only cause… I worry... and..."

"And you love me." She said sincerely.

"Well yeah duh." Emily laughed. She leaned in and placed a kiss on his forehead. She crinkled her own nose as she took stock of her present state.

"I'm going to have a shower cause I smell."

"Is that what that is?" He joked.

"Tosser." She laughed again and stood. "Then I might sleep... but maybe... maybe we can chat later?"

"Always Emsy. I'll be here... well not here... cause my bed is nicer than this." He sat up and craned his neck to get the stiffness out. He resisted asking where she was even if he already knew. He simply watched her walk to her bedroom and even from where he sat he could see the difference. Her steps weren't as heavy or as hesitant. She wasn't waiting to jump at shadows. His smile couldn't get any larger.

Effy walked into the flat looking tired and drained. She noticed Naomi sitting up on the couch and looking worse for wear herself. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Not really. Where've you been?"

"Looking for Emily." She knew the row was coming and she'd prepared herself for it. She probably should have woken Naomi and Cook but she hadn't wanted the extra tension.

"Right. Don't see her so... you didn't find her?" Naomi was terse and wanted to kick herself for it, knowing what was to come was painful enough.

"Not really," Effy replied looking at her friend. She noticed the tension but it was off. She wasn't about to launch into a self-righteous tirade but she was anxious. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't wake you." She walked around the couch and sat opposite her. The earlier anxiety over Emily threatened to rise up at the prospect of defending her actions with Naomi. The blonde only stretched out her hand to Effy who took it without question. For an instant, she felt afraid. "What's going on Nai?"

"It's not that... I mean it is but..." She was biting her lip. Effy looked at her then glanced towards the bedroom.

"Did Cook wake up? Please tell me you didn't have another go?" She let go of Naiomi's hand and went to stand. Her mind already imagined new bruises on Cook.

"Effy..." Naomi reached out and took hold of Effy's hand again before she could get up from the couch. "I'm sorry. No. We didn't have another go... but he did wake up. He's.. he's gone Effy." She took the letters from between the couch cushions and handed them over. She knew one was for Emily but it didn't matter. Effy had the right to read them both. She had gone over the scene unfolding in front of her a dozen times since he'd walked out. There hadn't been a single time it had ended happily. She simply hoped it wouldn't be catastrophic.

"What?" She looked at the letters. "What do you mean he's gone?" She was shaking her head as she took the folded letters. Her name in block letters screaming up at her. She unfolded the paper and her eyes tried to decipher the words.

Dear Eff,

I'm a twat. I've always been a twat and that ain't never gonna change. But I can't stay babes. You know it, I know it. I fucked it long ago and no matter what I do or say will fix it now. Telling Emily I was sorry was the right thing. I know it. You helping me do that was the right thing. But I can't make it up to her. And I can't change the past. I'm always going to be that guy. The guy who hurt her. No matter what. And being around her won't help anyone. I'm sorry.

I know you can find me. You're always the sharp one. But don't. It's not ever gonna work out. I'll always see myself as a fuck up here. And I'll bring you down. It ain't right. I should have stayed and said this in person but I couldn't. I couldn't look in your eyes and leave. And that would'a killed me in the long run. Would have killed everything between us. Anyways... I love you Effy Stonem. And I'm sorry.

Cook

After her shower, Emily slept soundly by herself. No nightmares. No fear or doubt as she woke. She could see the sun coming through the window and smiled. There was a sense of daring that she couldn't recall feeling... ever. She got up and headed into the kitchen. James had left her a note that he had gone on a run. She grabbed herself a cup of coffee and spotted her mobile on the counter. Frowning, she picked it up, not remembering putting it down when she'd come in. Almost shrugging the thought off, she was intent on calling Naomi, letting her know she was ok and see if she was up for breakfast. She stopped herself when she realized where she'd left the phone the previous night. She set her cup down when she heard the door. "James?" She called out.

"Hey." He kicked off his trainers by the door. "Didn't think you'd be up so early. After your late night and all." The sweat was dripping off his face. "I think I'm the one needing a shower now. Wouldn't believe how good it felt though. There are so many fit babes out there at this hour. I need to make this a habit." Emily headed him off as he walked to the bathroom. "Really Ems… my stench is…" She raised her phone. "Oh...umm.." He could tell the cause of redness on his cheeks had gone from physical exertion to pure embarrassment.

"Where did this come from?" She was curious to know if Edison had dropped it off himself or if he'd had it messengered over. She was trying to sort how to explain not having her phone.

"Yeah.. um..." He looked at the phone and mentally chided himself for not putting it away last night. "See... about that..." Emily realized something was amiss.

"James."

"We uh... that is to say... I... came across it?" She frowned.

"James." Her newly discovered energy was coursing through her and she stared at him. "Where did you come across it? And who is we?"

Naomi cursed herself for having stayed the night. While the couch wasn't terrible, it wasn't restful. Not last night. But she couldn't have gone home. Effy had read the letter, likely more than once for as long as she stared at it. She went to bed without a word. There wasn't a chance Naomi would have left after that. She had been tempted to crawl into bed with Effy if only to comfort her but she hadn't dared. There was something so heartbreaking in the lack of reaction. She had imagined crying, screaming, yelling, even a bit of misplaced violence. But the absence of that was troubling and heartbreaking. She sighed and remembered the letter meant for Emily was lying on the floor next to the couch.

She picked it up and placed it on the center table. Effy hadn't bothered with it. Never even bothered to touch it. The smell of coffee hit her and she guessed that Effy was already awake. After a brief stop in the bathroom, Naomi went to the kitchen.

Effy sat with her back to her working on her laptop. She didn't stop, didn't look up. "If you're pouring yourself a cup, refresh mine would you? I'm due for a second round." The brunette spoke before Naomi could say anything. She shook her head and took Effy's cup from the table and snatched one for herself.

"Good morning Naomi. Sleep well did you? Fantastic. Oh it's your day off? Splendid. Maybe we can do something." The blonde said in a singsong voice as she put Effy's cup on the table. Effy stopped typing and looked at her.

"Thank you for the coffee. I've actually got some work to do for a new client so I won't have a chance for a play date, but I'm sure you can find something to occupy you. You have something to deliver don't you?" Steel-blue eyes stared at her, defying anything that might come out of her mouth.

"Fine. You know what? Fine. You want to sit here and pretend to work on something? Fine. Ignore what you're feeling until it passes but it really doesn't? Have at it. I'm sorry… I'm sorry he left. I'm sorry you're feeling this… pain… but shutting down doesn't make it go away. Never has." Naomi put her cup down and started walking off. "Fuck me for giving a shit."

"Naomi!" Effy yelled at her. She had put her head in her hands after pushing away the laptop. Naomi turned and looked at her. If the weight of what had transpired to all of them the past few months had balanced itself on Effy's shoulders, it was coming down now. The torment in her friend's voice, face was more than one person could bear. She closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around her friend.

"You went to Laura's flat?" Emily could hear her words.

"We were worried." James looked sheepish, almost his age. Effy would likely clip him about the ear for not being more clandestine about returning the phone. He really needed to clarify how not secretive or stealthy he was.

"You said." The knowledge that Effy had put a tracker on her phone and had taken it upon herself to monitor Emily should have angered her. But it was only mildly annoying. She should have expected it, being tracked. But she didn't really did she? She wasn't tracking you. Not really. She was scared and you weren't answering. Anything could have happened. They care. You aren't property them.

"We just... we wanted to make sure you were ok." He'd abandoned his idea of a shower and sat at the kitchen table. Emily sat in her own chair staring at him. He couldn't read her. He couldn't tell from her actions or from her words whether she was upset or not. The idea that she was turning herself off was even more frightening. She couldn't retreat. She simply couldn't. Just a bit ago she had been alive.

"And you spoke to Edison?" She thought back to how she'd left him insisting on a driver, a temp phone. He had asked even if determined. It had felt protective, caring. He owed her nothing. And yet, he didn't let her disappear into the night on her own. He didn't throw her away. She didn't quite know why but also knew she'd never understand why. He wasn't the type to explain himself. She was somewhat more thankful it was him and not Jameson she found there. Hindsight told her she wouldn't have left if it had been Jameson. She wouldn't be here now either.

"Yes."

"He told you where I was?"

"Again... yes."

"But you didn't go looking for me?" She was giving that a bit of thought. No one had gone to rescue her or drag her back kicking and screaming.

"Well... uh no."

"Why not?" James looked at his sister after she asked. He opened his mouth to answer but closed it. How could he explain it all? It had made sense last night. It had made more sense when she came in this morning. But he wasn't sure how he could voice it. Taking a breath, he let it all go.

"Frankly... cause he told us you were ok. He told us both of you had talked and that.. you were wanting to go out... into a crowded place... full of strangers... and even when he said he wasn't going, you still went." He shrugged. "You still went. By yourself. He believed you were ok. Trusted it. Trusted you. And we… trusted what he said. We figured we needed to trust you too. Wouldn't be right otherwise." He wondered if he sounded as twattish as he thought.

"Thank you." She smiled at him and touched his hand. "I'm sorry I didn't call. I should have. I didn't think of how worried you would be." Emily was grateful. She couldn't be angry. She had people who cared. They weren't caging her. They were loving her their way. Protective, caring, mindful. "Thank you for not coming to get me." She stood and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Thank you for not giving up on me. Ever." She made a show of sniffing the air. "Now do shower cause James... you are... sooo not rosy." He let out a laugh as she went into her bedroom with her phone.

Hey.

The text message came through as she and Effy were curled up on the offensive couch. She had let her friend cry herself out over the loss. She knew that the sooner Effy felt it, the better she would be to keep going. With her history, it wasn't right to let her push it down, push it away. Naomi didn't know how it would work itself out in the long run but this was a start. A good start. She noticed the message was from Emily.

"Answer her."

"She can wait a minute." Naomi smiled at Effy's direct command.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" Effy sat up and looked at her friend who was doing a poor job of not pouting. She stared at her. "She fucked off didn't she?" She got the head tilt and full-on Stonem glare. "Ok, so she didn't fuck off but still... Am I supposed to jump every time she wants?"

"No. But for that very reason, she shouldn't have to jump every time you think she should."

"What?" Effy stood and started walking away. "What the fuck's that mean?"

"It means that she will be herself at her pace and you at yours. And I'm taking a bath. I need the warmth. Answer her." She paused at the bathroom door. "She needs to know."

"Fuck." She texted back knowing she had a letter to deliver. She gave her phone one more glance and texted back.

Can you meet up?

Emily folded the letter before her tears could stain the paper. Naomi had come over and they were sat on Emily's bed. They had hugged at the door but there was a stiffness in the blonde and Emily had at first thought she was upset about her taking off. But the reality was much different. Harsher. She handed the letter over and apologized. The apology was odd to say the least. She understood once she opened the paper, read the words. She sniffled and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

"So that's it then? He's gone." Her voice sounded small.

"I'm sorry Ems. There wasn't... I couldn't stop him going." Naomi watched

"I know." She met Naomi's eyes and gave her a sad smile. "He's Cookie. He does what he thinks is right. Even when it isn't." She shrugged and put the letter on her nightstand. "I wish he hadn't gone... but I get it." She reached out and took Naomi's hand. A tiny thought crept into her head. She squashed it and shook herself free from it.

"Are you ok?" Naomi asked as their linked fingers warmed her. " I know it's a stupid question but…"

"Yeah...I mean yeah I'm ok.. it isn't stupid." Emily smiled. "I'm sad... I care about him... I love him." She moved closer to Naomi. "But I do need to think about me." The words surprised her. She hadn't expected to say them out loud. It felt good. "I don't know if he was right or not to leave. I can't think about that. I'm not… He doesn't… He made a choice." She took a deep breath. "I need to think about my life now." She brought Naomi's hand to her lips. She looked at the blonde as she kissed the back of her hand. "I know you were worried… and I should have said something… called.. texted… something. "

"It would have been good… had you done..." Mentally she kicked herself for every emotion she had felt after Emily had taken off. She had been foolish and temperamental. "Are you ok? Really ok?"

"I'm ok..." Her eyes opened wide. "Shit. Effy. How's she… I didn't..." Naomi shook her head.

"She's Effy. She'll survive." Naomi knew it was a blow – his departure. But she knew that the old Effy wouldn't have given in and cried. She'd had buried it all. So Naomi knew she would be ok… eventually. "I probably should be on my best behavior with her though."

"Is that possible?" Emily teased. It surprised Naomi but in a good way.

"Not often." Naomi couldn't help but notice the lightness in Emily. She wondered if it had been Cook's leaving or what Effy had told her about the night before. She hadn't been too keen on what had transpired but wasn't in any possible way able to change things. She leaned in and wrapped her arms around Emily's waist. "Are you really ok?"

Emily looked at her and shrugged. "I think so... Last night was..." She smiled. "It was good Naoms. So good."

Present Day…

Emily hadn't known exactly how her life would go when she stepped foot on the flight so long ago. She'd decided to start traveling. It had been a hard decision to follow through on after she'd made it. It had been two months' worth of therapy sessions that had gotten her to that point. Two months of therapy sessions after the night she'd been to the club. The dj that night had played some remix of some song in a language other than English. She could feel the words touching a different part of her. Her moves had been so freeing, much more fluid. She had a fleeting idea of dancing to different music in a different land then. A fleeting idea that refused to go quietly away after she had learned of Cook's departure.

She'd visited her therapist three days after the nightclub and had been animated still in her retelling of that night. She could see the change in herself being reflected in her doctor's eyes, in her smile. Not until she and her doctor started pulling at all the threads did the breadth of change make itself evident. But it had taken two months to allow herself to realize that she was craving far more freedom, far more of a future than she'd ever imagined for herself.

She had wanted to talk to Naomi about it all, plan it with her. But that was counterproductive. It was supposed to be a trip for herself. By herself. She wanted to feel the ground shake beneath her feet. As she'd gone about her days, she'd look at locations on her phone. It wasn't enough. She'd ended up buying a world map, tacked it up in her bedroom, and began writing on it. Places she wanted to see, wanted to visit. A lot had to do with museums and art.

The plane hit a little turbulence and it snapped her out of her memories. She sighed and looked out the window. In her travels, she'd hit more places than she had originally had in mind. Never once forgetting about what she had left behind.