He's crawling out of his skin.

It's helped some — shaving his beard and sitting down to have a nice dinner with his family out on the patio as they took advantage of the cool autumn day. It softens his rough edges, gives him something to focus on. But -

He still feels hollow, empty and gaping like something's missing, like he's on the outside looking in at this man and his family and can't figure out how the hell he fits into all of this.

His therapist warned him about going under so soon after Kathy's death, worried that he was using it to escape his grief and the way it was bungled all together with his feelings for Olivia. A nightmarish battle between his head and his heart that he just...couldn't figure out what was right anymore.

Your problems will be right there waiting for you when you get back.

It was so easy to become Eddie Ashes, too easy with his ability to channel some of his old Unstabler rage — imagining every person Eddie had to hurt as another child molester, another rapist, another Gordon fucking Rickett. Every fire he lit, building he burned, the more it continued to...accelerate.

It didn't take much work to become Eddie Ashes because the fire was always right there at his fingertips, sparking through his veins.

"Maybe you should think about getting your head shrunk, hmm?" his mother calmly suggests, helping him clear the dishes from the table.

He cocks his head, amused, watching as she sets the dishes in the sink. "Mama, you hate shrinks."

She shrugs. "Doesn't mean I don't think they have their time and their place." She turns around to face him, folding her arms across her chest. "Elliot, a mother knows her son. Now you might think you've got us all fooled, but I can look into your eyes and see it."

He swallows roughly. "What?"

She pushes away from the sink to stand before him, taking his hands in hers. They're warm and comforting and it reminds him of long ago, when he was a boy seeking comfort after his father flew into one of his rages. "You're losing yourself."

"Mama - "

"Look, you've been through a lot this last year. No one would blame you for struggling, but please just... stop hiding." She lifts a hand to pat his clean-shaven cheek, smiling. "This is a start."

Elliot places a hand on her shoulder, squeezes it in comfort. "I was seeing a therapist before I went under."

"Okay, so you'll give them a call, hmm?" Bernie smiles encouragingly. "And maybe ring up that partner of yours." Off the hesitant look on his face - "Just sit with her. Spend time with her. She'll remind you who you really are."

He nods, kissing her forehead. "Okay, mama," he sighs out.

He decides to call Olivia that night, figures it'll at least be good to hear her voice even if she's too busy to see him.

"Hey stranger," she greets him warmly. Relief immediately floods through his system. He thought they left off on a good note — a tentative one, but a good one — when he last saw her, but that was weeks ago. He tried to check in every now and again, assuage her worries and prove that he had no intention of ghosting her ever again, but he knew it wasn't much.

She deserved better than what he'd been giving her, and if that's not a running theme throughout the entire time he's known her, he's not sure what is.

He smiles into his phone, leaning back against his couch. "Hey Liv," he says softly.

"Is this a social call or a work call?"

"A social one." His throat goes dry. "I'm home now. The op is over."

"That's great, Elliot." She pauses. "Are you okay?"

"I uh. I'm not in crisis," he hedges carefully.

"That's not what I asked." She sounds amused, which bodes well for him.

"I just - " he hesitates, sighing. Fuck, this is so hard. "I just wanted to hear your voice, Liv," he admits.

Silence.

He frowns, pulls the phone away from his ear to make sure the call didn't drop. "Liv?"

"Yeah, sorry," she croaks. "I'm about to put Noah to bed. Do you want to come over?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but…" she sighs. "I don't want to talk tonight, Elliot. I know that we need to, but just...not tonight. Okay?"

"No, I understand." Elliot hesitates, doesn't know how honest he wants to be right now. "I just want to sit with you, Liv." He clears his throat, a little embarrassed. "Just be with you," he adds softly.

"I want that, too," she whispers.

"Good," he replies quietly, expelling a breath. "I'm leaving in ten. Do you need anything?"

"Wine?"

He chuckles. Some things never change. "I got ya covered."

So I'm not...directly continuing this in that I'm showing the rest of this particular evening, but I am working on something for these two that comes shortly after this that's a little bit lighter. Think Grey Hoodie of Love and Elliot's patio. I've already started writing it so it should hopefully be up soon.

Liv