Prompt: Can I prompt angsty post-war Effie begging for Haymitch to tell her he loves her before he takes Katniss back to 12? And being the unstable idiot that he is Haymitch probably wont say the words because after frantically searching for her whilst he was in 13, he wouldn't dare risk putting her in the danger that he associates with those words. Idk maybe he realises afterwards that 'I love you' might have had the potential to have been the trump card that convinced her to follow him to 12 after all
All He Has Left
After they dropped Plutarch in Three, Katniss spends the rest of the trip pretending to sleep and Haymitch humors her just because he is in no shape to have a conversation. Not to mention the fact that any conversation they might have right then would have to be an emotionally charged one. They haven't talked about Snow or Coin or anything serious and he doubts they ever will. It's not their style.
No, he figures, watching her twitch when he stares at her too long. She must feels his gaze on her and, he knows from experience, it's hard to pretend to sleep when someone is staring at you. No, their style is more to fake sleep to avoid talking. Anything not to have the difficult conversations. Anything to avoid facing their feelings.
He takes a sip from his flask and relocates his gaze to the small round window, absolutely uninterested by the clouds or the landscape underneath.
He feels restless but he doesn't have the will to stand up and stretch his legs.
It's not about being cooped up in the hovercraft for hours already anyway.
It's about what happened last night when he had to tell Effie…
He's not sure where he has gone wrong.
Sometimes it feels like he spent the whole war terrified about her. First because she was missing. Then because Johanna confirmed she was imprisoned somewhere out of their reach and he knew they were hurting her. After the Capitol's surrender, he spent days at her bedside scared she wouldn't wake up. When she did wake up, it seemed like she was out of her mind entirely. And when she finally snapped out of it and became herself again, he was scared she would – rightly – blame him for what happened to her…
She clung to him instead.
If he was there, she could sleep. If he was there, she could relax. If he was there…
Then started the whole tugging/pushing away thing when she would get furious one second and then cry and beg him to forgive her the next…
It was rocky but she needed him and he wouldn't disappoint, not again. He told her as much. That he had missed her, that he needed her in his life… When they released her from the hospital, she moved into his room at the Mansion and then, after Coin died, they eventually ended up at her apartment… It was difficult to compose with their differences, with their respective demons, but they found a balance. They started sleeping together again.
He wasn't sure they were happy because Effie was so fragile still, even though she always bit his head off when he hinted to that… But they were good and he knew that, in time, they could even be great.
And then he was forced to volunteer to take Katniss back to Twelve because her mother wouldn't do it. And because, truth be told, he wasn't about to abandon the girl, no matter what was at stake.
Effie was livid when he had come back to her place. Livid. She ranted about how he was abandoning her again…
He asked her to come with him.
Of course, he asked her. It didn't even brush his mind that she wouldn't be coming.
But she said no and when he insisted, she asked why.
And then…
Well, there was a window, a very particular timeframe, for three little words that would have salvaged everything.
He wanted to say those words.
He wanted to.
But they remained stuck in his throat.
He missed the window.
He missed everything.
She kicked him out, slammed the door in his face, told him she never wanted to see him again…
The worst, though, he thinks, was hearing her burst into sobs behind the door, certain that she was that he was behaving out of guilt and not out of…
He always screws everything up.
If he was less broken, he would be able to tell her the way she deserves.
He takes another sip of whatever's in his flask. Bourbon maybe. He's not sure. He raided the liquor cart in the Training Center before leaving. He's got as many bottles as his bag can carry and filled his flask for the road.
It's all he has left now.
The liquor.
Well, that wasn't happy but heeeeey let's see it on the bright side, she will eventually show up broke and full of problems XD Hope you liked this! Let me know!