Alrighty people, here it is! A few things before you start reading. I haven't read the manga, so I don't know how it ends besides a few spoilers (on that note, please don't spoil anything!). I also cry every time I think of season 4, so for this AU assume everything after season 3 didn't happen like it did. Eren went to Marley with the Corps permission, he did it all by the books, so he's not a war criminal, etc. I'll explain more of what exactly happened in future installs as the information starts unveiling.
For now, enjoy!
It's only when the war is over, that Mikasa finally feels at peace.
There are no more titans to kill, no more armies to fight, no more threats to the ones she loves. Mikasa sits on a tree in the forest next to the Survey Corps', and for the first time since she was a kid - since the fall of Shiganshina, since the murder of her parents - she feels like everything is alright.
Mikasa remembers with startling clarity the first time she met Eren - Eren, her anchor, her brother, the most important person in her world - she remembers how he took her home with him when she had nowhere else to go, and she remembers her thoughts (I will protect you, I will never let harm com to you, as you saved me, and you gave me something to live for) burning in her heart, forever a promise she never intents to break.
Her memories before that are cloudy, like a faint whisp of what was and what could have been, but everything after she met Eren is as vivid as if she had lived it yesterday.
She remembers playing with him on the fields of Wall Maria, she remembers collecting firewood with him during the mornings, she remembers them both playing with Armin on the streets of Shiganshina.
She remembers when the Collosal Titan - when Bertholdt - put a hole in the wall, bringing destruction and despair to everyone's lives. She remembers those years of living on the street, of fighting for food and learning how to use a knife so they wouldn't use one on them first, of the cold and the hunger, and the though of please, just until we're all of age to enlist, please don't take my family from me.
Mikasa remembers the pain that stabbed through her chest when she thought Eren had been eaten by a titan - she can almost feel herself crumbling to pieces just thinking about it - and she remembers the fear she felt when Eren was trialed for being a shifter. When he and Historia were kidnapped, the countless times they all fought for their lives, when her brother had all but lost hope because memories that weren't his wouldn't let him think straight.
She will never admit it, but she has Levi to thank for his brother's sanity. He's the one that brought him back to them, the one that brought him back to her. When Eren was slipping, Levi caught him, didn't let him fade away to become one more of the endless line of holders for the Attack and the Founding Titans. He's the one that got through him, that made sure Eren wasn't keeping it all bottled up, that earned his trust and was told his secrets.
Mikasa feels a little envious from time to time. Eren is her everything, and Eren's everything is someone else. But it doesn't matter. As long as he's happy, as long as he's safe, then Mikasa will stand by his side, even if she's no longer the only one Eren welcomes inside his heart anymore.
Eren no longer needs protection - there are no more titans, no more cages, no more death and pain, only the bitter reminding of what has been lost - but Mikasa would always be there to offer it anyways. Which is why when she feels something twisting in her gut, the feeling that something is wrong burning just beneath her skin, she doesn't waste a second before she starts running.
She's at the castle's entrance when she hears the gunshot.
No, she thinks, terror washing over her as she runs, breathing coming in short, no no no no no, Eren.
She shouldn't have let her guard down. How could she have been so stupid? Mikasa should have knows people would try to harm his brother, even after all he's done for them. She should have know, she should have known!
Levi beats her there. When she arrives at Eren's bedroom - not the basement anymore, after the war the government finally gave him back his citizenship and the military ranking he deserves - he finds him on the floor, cradling a body soaked in red as he weeps. There's a gun next to the body's hand, and the whole on the side of the head tells her all she needs to know.
But Mikasa doesn't understand. Why is Levi crying? Levi seldom cries, Mikasa can count the number of times she has seen him shed a tear with a hand with fingers to spare. And why would he be holding the poor bastard that tried to kill her brother? Levi hates blood, hates being dirty in general, he wouldn't hold just anyone close to his chest.
It takes Mikasa a few moments to realize it's Eren Levi is holding.
Oh, she thinks first, feet glued to the floor as she makes the connection. That's Eren.
Something inside her clicks. Then it shatters.
Mikasa hurries to where Levi is still crying, where Eren's body stays motionless.
She registers on the back of her mind how Levi is sobbing, asking Eren to come back, for him to not leave him, he promised, didn't he? Eren promised they would be together now, that they were free together, so he couldn't leave, please, don't leave.
Mikasa kneels besides Eren - Eren's body, because he's not there anymore, how could she be so stupid? - and she only notices her hands tremble as she reaches for him.
"No," someone says in a voice so broken, it pierces right through her heart, and it takes her a moment to realize it's her.
She doesn't remember much of what happened before the funeral.
Mikasa barely registers the people bustling about, and she knows she should go and do things too - there's a funeral to plan, things to arrange - but the only thing she remembers doing is thinking Eren is gone. He's not coming back. I couldn't protect him. I failed.
Many people try to coax her into doing something, to move from where she stays on Eren's bedroom - it's not healthy Mikasa, you should come rest at your own room, come on, please - but she doesn't budge. The only other person who stays by her side is Levi - who hasn't left either, hasn't even moved from where he was cradling Eren's body as he pleaded him to stay with him, hasn't moved since he fought those who tried to pry Eren away from him - probably because he's just as broken, if not more, than Mikasa is.
She can faintly remember him holding a ring - she has never seen it before, the Captain has never been one to wear jewelry - a simple silver band with a small emerald incrusted in the center. Levi holds the ring like it's both a curse and what keeps him sane, and Mikasa would try and talk to him if she weren't feeling as hollow as she is.
She feels incomplete. A part of her is missing - Eren is missing, forever, never to be found - and her insides feel like they are burning, she feels like she's choking all the time. Because Eren is gone, and if he's gone then what does she have left?
It's a sunny day when Eren Jaeger is buried. The tomb is placed next to the sea, Levi's only request. Eren fought for the freedom they now have, gave everything of himself to give his people the world they deserve, and a burial next to his dream is the least he deserves.
Mikasa's brother is given a soldier's burial. He is paid all the honors and respects he deserved in life, buried in full uniform and his Survey Corps cloak placed folded on his stomach. A lot of people talk - Armin, Historia, Jean, Hange - and then it's Levi's turn.
His face is blank as he climbs up to the stage, but his hands shake violently, and his knuckles go white when he grabs the edges of the podium.
He opens his mouth, but no words come out. One, two, three, four seconds go by before he starts crying, head bowed down as his whole form shakes in a silent weep.
He hasn't said more than five words since he found Eren's body, the request for the tomb to be near the sea, and he doesn't say any more as Hange helps him go back to his seat, murmuring reassuring words that they all know aren't true. Eren is not coming back, and while things might get better, they will never go back to how they were before.
And then it's her turn.
Mikasa didn't plan anything - couldn't think of anything else other than Eren will never wake up again, he's gone - but it's surprisingly easy to give a speech. Or well, maybe not so surprising. If there is anything Mikasa can talk about, it's Eren.
She stands up and walks to the podium, stopping briefly only to give Levi a short hug, one which he returns as if he were holding on for dear life. While they may have had their disagreements, they both love Eren, and right now that's enough for her.
There are a lot of faces she recognizes on the crowd. Her comrades - Eren's comrades - a lot of high ranking officers. Nothing but the best for Paradis' hero, the one that finally gave them freedom.
Mikasa looks down at her hands. They are as still as when she holds her blades. She looks back up.
"I first met Eren when I was nine years old. He saved me, gave me a home, and he asked for nothing in return," her throat is dry, and she takes a trembling breath before continuing. "He's… he was always stubborn, he didn't like to burden anyone with his problems. He felt like he had to single handedly save the whole world. I remember him swearing he would kill all the titans after our city was overrun by them when we were ten. He swore to fight against them so the deaths of everyone who had done so before wouldn't be in vain, so that we could all be free of the fear and the oppression that came with living inside the walls. It didn't stop him that everyone thought of him as a monster, he kept fighting for humanity because it was right. He gave everything of him for a chance at freedom."
Her throat burns as she holds back a sob, and she feels the tears welling up on her eyes.
"But that's not the only thing that Eren was. He was also caring, despite his bad way of expressing it. He fought bullies bigger and stronger than him just because they were hurting one of his friends, he always made sure Armin and I had enough food during the famine. He tried to make sure those close to him were safe, even in a world full of titans, and he took betrayals the hardest because he believed the best of people, always. Eren never gave up, tried again and again because if he didn't, then no one would. He—" Mikasa's voice breaks, and she feels a tear fall down her cheek. "He didn't let his own fears overcome him, even when he had nightmares about hurting people he cared about, or when the whole world looked down on him."
She draws one big final breath.
"Eren was the most important person in my life. He was the best brother I could ever ask for, because he gave me a scarf, and called it home. I will forever be grateful for having him in my life, even if he left too soon," she chokes out the last few words, and the tears start falling in tandem as she hastily makes an exit from the podium.
Armin, sitting near the front, is crying again. Levi hasn't stopped since he broke down on the podium, and Hange's single eye is full to the brim with tears. Historia's cheek sports a single tear track, eyes glassy as she holds Jean's hand with so much force her knuckles are white.
No one present in the burial looks anything but sad, some even look heartbroken. Eren, even if he never believed it, changed the life of many people, and now that he's gone - he's gone he's gone he's gone forever forever Mikasa will never see him again he's gone - it's like he has taken a piece of everyone he ever had an impact on with him.
Most of it is a blur from there, and Mikasa finds herself in front of Levi for their final goodbyes - he's the last in line. She thinks he needs it more than she does, because while Mikasa lost her everything, so did Levi, and after all the years she has known him, she knows he needs to tell him something he will only be able to say if he's alone. And while Levi has never been her favorite person, he was Eren's, and so Mikasa will allow it for her brother's sake.
As she approaches Eren's casket - his casket, he'll be buried there now and forever, this is the last time she will ever see his face, even if it's lifeless like the rest of him - she doesn't feel the need to cry. Mikasa just looks at him for a moment, seemingly peaceful in his eternal slumber. She wonders if he truly has found piece in his death, if life was really so horrible for him that the only escape he found was to shoot himself in the head, an injury so powerful his titan abilities wouldn't be able to save him before he died.
She remembers the letter, resting heavy on her breast pocket, and she takes it out. It was sitting on Eren's desk when she found him. There were three letters; one for Armin, one for Levi and another one for her. She hasn't read it, hasn't have the courage to read what her brother's final words to her are. But now, standing in front of the casket, she finds that there is no better time for it than now.
Eren's handwriting sends a pang of pain through her chest, but she takes a deep breath and she starts reading.
Dear Mikasa,
If you read this, then it means I succeeded and that I died. While I'm not sorry for my choices, I do regret that I'll leave you here so suddenly.
I can only hope you understand why I want to do this, even if it causes you pain. After the war, everything has felt so… happy. There are no more armies to fight, people are at peace. The only problem was me.
I no longer belong here, Mika. When I look in the mirror, I cannot recognize myself anymore. I'm not the same boy who swore to get revenge from his mother, or even the teenager that became a titan and sealed the breach in Trost. I'm… I don't even know what I am anymore.
I still remember how we were as children, and you were making flower crowns with the flowers near the wall because you thought they were pretty and wanted to make one for Mom, but you wouldn't let me go to the city to play with Armin while you did, so I ended up keeping you company. You've grown so much since then, you're not the little girl that had closed on herself anymore. You've become your own person, you don't depend on me as much anymore, and that is why I know you will be alright when I leave.
I know this is selfish of me, but if I can ask you one last thing, could you take care of Levi for me? I know he's more than capable of looking after himself, and that he will move on eventually, but for my sake, it would make me feel better if I know I'm leaving you both with each other for company.
Please remember that no matter where I go after this, no matter how many worlds apart we are, you will always be my sister, and that I love you.
Keep on living,
Eren.
A single tear falls on the paper, and Mikasa rubs her eyes as she thinks how the world is always merciless when it comes to the ones least deserving of it. She then leans over the casket, and places one final kiss on Eren's forehead.
As she leaves, she catches Levi taking Eren's left hand, sliding the ring she saw him holding on his brother's finger.
You were wrong about one thing, Eren, she thinks with a sad smile on her face. Levi will never be able to move on from you.
Did I just do that? Yes I did. I'm really sorry for this, if it makes anyone feel better, I cried a lot while writing it.
In case you didn't notice, this takes place in the canon timeline, before any of them are reincarnated.
Um, we will come back to this… later. But inspiration struck me after two months and I knew I had to show you guys this before going back to the present.
I don't know if I did Mikasa's character the justice she deserves? Like, I imagine her being really numb after Eren's death, like a really important part of her has shut down, while at the same time not being able to really process or stop thinking about it. Idk, she seems like the type, but I'm not sure I like how this turned up so much. Oh well, it's necessary for the plot, and I can't think of anyone else to narrate this.
I'll see you again for part seven in… I don't know when. I have a few tests coming up, so maybe after that.
As always, you can come talk/yell/whatever at me in tumblr, I'm patolemus there as well.
Stay safe! Kudos!
Pato