My Teen Rom-Com is a Lie

Chapter 1: I am Hikigaya Hachiman

Genuine.

What exactly does it mean for something to be genuine? Is it a relaxing chat with those you care about? Or is it sitting in the morning sun, a cool breeze brushing across your face.

To be precise, the meaning of genuine is along the lines of something being "real" or "sincere".

However, when you step back and truly look at the world, nothing is genuine. To reach something genuine would be like reaching perfection. And nothing is perfect.

People, by nature, lie and pretend. Even when a person attempts to be truthful, there will be misconceptions and misinterpretations. Not to mention that everyone's world view is different. There's over 7 billion people on this planet. If there are billions of different views, how can anything be genuine if every person sees it slightly differently?

Well anyway, my point is that nothing is genuine. This story is the absolute opposite of what could be considered genuine. An unoriginal amalgamation of words that form into an escapist self-insert mess.

In other words, don't get your hopes up for a good story.

X X X

Now introducing none other than myself! A somewhat average high schooler with good grades and a decent social life that doesn't extend outside of school.

With finals fast approaching, I naturally did what anyone in my position would do. Procrastinate till the day of the final to study. Like really, I should be studying right now, but instead I'm writing this. Curse you geography!

With nothing else to do, aside from studying, I went onto my computer to mess around with a random website generator I found recently.

After hopping from site to site with nothing of interest, I was about to get off until I found a very peculiar website.

The site was called something super cheesy like " " or something. After a bit of observation, I realized this was sort of like a chat room, with only one other individual.

From its appearance, it looked to be some site that was made to test specialized AIs. Likely a school project that the owner forgot to take down. Judging by how old the site is, it can be said that it has been active for a bit too long. I could only guess how much money was wasted, unknowingly keeping this active.

My condolences Mr. wallet. You and your losses will never be forgotten.

After my poor attempt at trying to sound like a considerate person, I began to type into the chat box.

_You: Hello?

_Genie: Greetings fair traveler. I am the Genie of this domain and you have awoken me from my slumber. For that, I must thank you. In return, I shall grant you three wishes.

At this moment, I was convinced that this had to be some sort of test AI, or maybe even a scam bot. With that in mind, I began to ask it a bunch of questions. Things like history, math, English, and other subjects I should've been studying for.

The AI gave me suitable answers to most of my questions, but I was yet to ask any questions about media or entertainment.

In coming up with a question related to that topic, I remembered that I just finished rewatching Oregairu for the third (?) time. So I proceeded with that as the topic.

_You: Do you know what Oregairu is?

_Genie: I do apologize, but I am unfamiliar with that term. However, if your wish pertains to this so called "Oregairu", then you may use one of your wishes to request that I gain the knowledge of this word.

Wow… I know genies are supposed to be tricksters, but I didn't think it would go that far. Whoever programmed this took it to a whole 'nother level. Should've just said 'Don't worry, I'll find it out!' or 'Sorry, but I don't know'. Giving up wishes so the genie knows what you're talking about is just cheap.

_You: Okay then. I wish that you know what Oregairu is.

_Genie: Your wish is my command! I am now aware of the concept of "Oregairu". Or should I say, My Youth Romantic Comedy is Wrong as I Expected.

I was surprised, to say the least. For the AI to not only find out what Oregairu is, but also learn what it stands for in that short amount of time was pretty impressive. So I decided to ask a few more questions about Oregairu. To further my surprise, the genie answered each and every one of them accurately.

Alright then genie, let's get onto the wishing portion. How will you react to a ridiculous wish?

_You: So, can you make me the main protagonist of Oregairu? If you can even do that.

_Genie: But of course. A simple wish like that is far easier than what I would view as difficult. If you are considering wishing this, I recommend making your third wish first, as you won't have access to it if you continue.

This is a more detailed response than I thought. Eh, whatever. I'll just ask for this wish then make the third one after this fails.

_You: Thanks for the advice, but I think I'm fine.

_You: I wish that I was the main protagonist of Oregairu. Specifically Hachiman Hikigaya. And preferably wherever the light novel begins.

I cringed at what I asked for. Well, at least it wasn't asking to be inserted as an OC or something. That would've been far worse.

A few seconds passed.

I was beginning to get restless. I leaned closer towards the screen, ignoring the bright light, and waited for a response.

At the bottom of the screen, an indicator that the genie was typing popped up. With my face even closer to the screen, I anticipated the genie's answer. Although, a part of me screamed to not get my hopes up.

_Genie: Your wish is my command! Expect a short delay before the wish occurs. This will take a couple of seconds…

After processing the words in front of me, I leaned back into my chair. The light squeaking of the joints went silent once I stopped. Resting my elbow on the chair's armrest, I cradled my chin in my hand. A long sigh escaped my lips.

Just when I was about to get my hopes up. Of course nothing was gonna happen. What am I, an idiot?

Closing my eyes shut, I stood up and stretched my arms behind my back, letting out an even longer sigh. Letting my arms rest at my side, I began to get ready for bed. Or at least that's what I thought I would do next. But you already know where this is going, don't you?

Before opening my eyes, I felt a shift in the atmosphere. Rather than the stuffy humid feeling of my room, it felt open and cool. Sunlight washed against the left side of my face rather than the heatless shine of my computer monitor. Instead of the quiet whirring of the PC's tower, I could hear quiet conversations around me, shifting of paper, and footsteps reverberating across the space.

This isn't my room.

I finally opened my eyes to find a nicely dressed woman clad in a white lab coat. It appeared that I was in a faculty room; students and teachers interacted with each other on what was presumably school matters.

The aforementioned woman, likely a teacher, was looking at me with a mix of disappointment and mild irritation.

Wait, hold on a minute! Wasn't I in my room just a couple seconds ago? This looks awfully familiar. Does that mean this is a dream? Dreams feel real until you wake up right? But, it doesn't feel like a dream, especially with what I was able to observe when my eyes were still closed.

Holding up a piece of paper, the woman began to speak.

"Tell me Hikigaya, what was this essay supposed to be about?"

After a few moments, I realized she was addressing me. Looking around, I tried to find the slightest clue as to what I should say. Fortunately, I was in luck, as the answer was right in front of me.

"Um, it's supposed to be reflecting on my life in high school…?"

Leaning back in her chair, she nodded to my response; but it didn't feel as though I was off the hook just yet.

"Uh-huh, that's correct. However, this paper looks like a set up to a cynical villain planning to topple the school system. What was with the death threat at the end? Is this a reflection on your high school life, or the prelude to an act of terrorism?"

Once again, the ball was passed into my side of the court and I had to find something to say. Although, this time, I didn't have any good answers.

"Uh, I did write about a reflection on high school life." Well, I think so at least. I should probably start reading this so I have an idea of what to say next.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, the woma- no wait, her name's Hiratsuka. Why would I remember that now? Well anyway, she began to speak up again.

"It was supposed to be an essay about your high school experience. You know, a reflection on your life?"

Ms. Hiratsuka looked at me expectantly. An eyebrow raised, awaiting my excuse. Hah, as if you could hope to intimidate me. I'll have you know that I am the master of excuses.

"Well, you see… contrary to how the essay appears on the surface, it is very much about my high school experience." I take a short pause. Mostly to check on if Hiratsuka plans on cutting me off.

She didn't, so I continued.

"Looking more deeply and analyzing what's written here, it's clear that I completed the essay in a fairly roundabout way. The paper focuses mostly on the delusions and façades of my fellow youth. Or should I say, a foil to my own personal beliefs. In a sense, talking about everything that I am not provides enough information to know about my experience. So overall, there shouldn't be any problems…"

My voice faded away as I brought my attention back to the literature teacher. I might've rambled a bit too long and I'm pretty sure if one deconstructs what I just said, I pretty much just insulted myself.

"Hikigaya, are you trying to say something about yourself?" I was right. "Kid, you really need to work on your excuses. That was awful."

Not only did she insult my skill at crafting excuses from thin air, she called me a kid. So out of irritation, I responded without any thought of the consequences.

"Kid huh? I guess that says more about yourself than I, but whatever."

Realizing my mistake, I was just about to get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness, but it was clear I wasn't fast enough.

The shockwave from the blow came as a surprise. Even more so when it didn't even connect to my body.

"The next one will hit."

"I apologize, I didn't mean to say that out loud." Wait, that was a poor choice of words! Ms. Hiratsuka looks like she's ready for another shot!

"I mean, I'm sorry. I'll rewrite the essay thing…" That was a close one. I need to be more careful with what I say.

My gaze shifted to the left, awaiting what sort of punishment she had in store for me. Before I could begin contemplating my possible future hardships, Ms. Hiratsuka began to speak.

"Don't worry, I'm not mad at you." Where is this going?

She pulled out a lighter and a cigarette. Hey, hold on a second. Second hand smoking is pretty dangerous. More so than to the person actually smoking. Shouldn't you be a bit more considerate to tho-

"Have you joined any clubs yet?"

"What? Oh, no. I haven't"

"Do you have any friends?"

Wait, do I? I'm pretty sure I do, but at the same time I feel inclined to make an excuse for not having any.

"This depends on how one views the line between associates and frie-"

"In other words, no?"

Hey, stop cutting me off. Well, the first time was only in my head… But that's not the point!

Reluctantly, I replied. "I guess not."

The moment I responded, a flash of motivation sparkled in her eyes. "Ah, as I thought! It was clear from the moment I saw those rotten fish eyes of yours that you had no friends.

"Rotten fish eyes? What do you mean by that?" I asked. Honestly, I don't know what she means. Well, I am still trying to understand my situation after all.

"Very funny Hikigaya." Before moving on to her next question, she donned a bashful gaze as she looked at me.

"Do you have a… girlfriend?"

Girlfriend? Like I could attain something like that with my personality. Well, no need to berate myself.

"No." I responded soon after.

With a look of what could only be described as pity and understanding… Wait, was that a bit of relief as well? Why are you that happy about me not having a girlfriend? I guess you'd be pretty bummed if someone like me had one, when you couldn't do so yourself. Who am I to judge.

Finishing up her musing, Ms. Hiratsuka looked me in the eyes.

"Alright, how about this. You'll rewrite your paper."

"Okay."

"And for your puni- Oh, I have an idea."

Did you just say punishment? And what's this 'idea'? Could you have worded that in a more vague and foreboding way?

"Come on, follow me." Ms. Hiratsuka looked back at me as she headed towards the exit to the faculty room. Shifting my body, I turned to follow her.

X X X

As we traversed down the seemingly endless hallways with the occasional students socializing in the area, I realized this was the perfect opportunity of silence that would allow me to figure out what's going on.

From what I've gathered so far, it's clear that I'm a student of this school named Hikigaya Hachiman.

Hikigaya Hachiman.

At last, I had a lead. Or should I say, I was finally remembering what got me into this situation. Chat room, genie, three wishes, Oregairu…

Now knowing what got me here, I could only be baffled about how stupid and unoriginal this seemed. What is this, a crappy fanfiction? Who would write a story like thi- Oh… I guess that'd be me.

Aside from that, there was another thought that was bothering me.

Not only did I remember who I was, but also the memories and feelings of Hikigaya Hachiman. To put it simply, I remembered everything Hikigaya could remember at this current moment, along with the edgy suppressed emotions. Probably more than that, but I think I'll try to ignore all of the information that's been stuffed into my head.

No, that's not right. I should probably figure out just how much I know. Let's see… I know some new trivia, street names, favorite foods, how to speak Japanese, favorite place to eat lun- Hold up, I know how to speak Japanese now? Well, that explains how I was able to hold a conversation with Ms. Hiratsuka.

But that begs the question, can I still speak English? I assume I can still read and write it, but I wonder. Well, I guess I can experiment on that later. It looks like we've arrived at our destination,

Ms. Hiratsuka stopped in front of a classroom. Before me was a fairly unassuming room. It didn't even have any writing on the nameplate. However, I knew it was more than just some place in the school. As if to prove my point, Ms. Hiratsuka opened the door to reveal quite the sight.

To be perfectly honest, the anime didn't do this scene justice. (Not that I'm complaining to the animators. You guys did a great job!)

Slightly off center from the middle of the room sat a single figure. With a cool salty breeze coming through the window, black hair flowed ever so lightly. Her expression was reserved yet serious. Her form is like that of a doll. Never to be disturbed, only observed.

After what felt like an eternity, the girl looked up towards our direction. I felt an urge to look away.

"Ms. Hiratsuka, I believe I asked you to knock before coming in."

"I would, but you never answer when I do."

Yukinoshita Yukino. The seemingly flawless and picturesque girl with excellent grades. She stands above all her peers, despite being in a class of similarly excelling figures.

Of course, having watched the anime and reading the light novels, I had more information on her than any stranger would. Actually, even if I stalked her, I could never accumulate the amount of knowledge I currently had about her. Not that I would ever stalk her, or anyone for the matter. Just trying to prove my point.

Realizing the apparent silence in the room, I found two pairs of eyes looking towards me. Oh, this is the part where I introduce myself.

"Uh, Hikigaya Hachiman. Class 2-F." Nailed it! No, wait. That was a simple introduction, I shouldn't feel satisfied with something as measly as that.

Ms. Hiratsuka looked back at me, as if expecting me to continue. Noticing this, it was clear that I hadn't finished my piece just yet. Hikigaya said something like, "New club member? What's that supposed to mean?" I think.

As if waiting for those very words, Ms. Hiratsuka continued speaking.

"Your punishment. As your essay was so poorly written that I had difficulty even reading it, you will join this club. No ifs, ands, or buts."

Without leaving me much time to respond, Ms. Hiratsuka turned over to Yukinoshita. "As you can see, just from looking at him, he's as rotten as his eyes. That's why Hikigaya's always alone without anyone but himself."

"I'd like you to fix his flawed personality while he's in this club. That is my request to you."

Honestly, if this situation were about me, I'd be a little irritated about the lack of attention towards my feelings and opinions. But I guess, considering I'm not quite Hikigaya, I can only say that this scene is mildly amusing.

"I have to refuse. As I view those suspicious and dead eyes, I feel a threat to my person."

Yukinoshita glared at me, or more like in the general direction of my body, as it seemed more like she was looking at an animal rather than a student.

Hey, I'll have you know that I wasn't staring with any sort of savage thoughts. While it's a bit too late to decline that I was staring, it wasn't in a lewd way. More like, I was appreciating art. Like they say, life imitates art. Well, I think so anyway. But in this case, I can confidently say that your appearance looked far better than any art renditions of it. See, I'm complimenting you. You should take my gaze as that to be proud of. It's not everyday I see a girl that scores higher than a C on my attractiveness scale. Also-

"Don't worry Yukinoshita. Hikigaya is able to understand what will and won't get him into prison, precisely because of those rotten eyes of his. To summarize, he's pretty spineless."

Hey, that's like the third time you've cut my train of thought. And who are you calling spinele-

"Spineless… I see. Since this is a request from you, I suppose I cannot refuse it… I accept." She sounded a bit more reluctant to accept from what I recall. Maybe I did something to irritate her more than in the anime.

With a satisfied smile, Ms. Hiratsuka excused herself from the room to let the scene play out on its own.

Here I stand. This is the service club, where basically, the entire anime takes place. I have no idea how I will deal with this predicament.

So all I can do is take a step forward.

A/N: Thought I'd put out one of these story dumps. I have way too many chapters that I put hard work into that turn out either incomplete, or plain bad.

This particular fanfic is the first one I've ever written, actually. Back in May of 2019, according to the doc's version history.

I personally think it sucks, and would require a full overhaul to resemble anything good. But I wrote like, 13,000 words for this story, so I'll drop it here.