Can we talk?
She stared straight ahead at her tv. The program she had been watching long over, but she hardly even noticed. She'd barely even seen what happened on the screen at all. Instead her mind had been fully focused on the text message she'd received just before she had gotten home that evening. It had been on automatic pilot that she fed her cat Benji.
"Can we talk?'
She knew it would come, had been expecting it, but that did not mean she was the slightest bit prepared for it. He wanted to talk and she understood that very well. She'd been the one to get stupidly drunk, she'd been the one to blur the lines and make a daring and rather crazy confession. Or perhaps not really crazy in and of itself, she had just never meant to share and now she could not take it back.
She'd been both eagerly awaiting and dreading this text for an entire week, ever since she had woken up the following morning and remembered what had happened. She wasn't sure if she regretted speaking her truth, she preferred to have the truth out. However, she just wasn't certain if she would like the response he'd give to her truth. There was little chance that he shared it.
Last week
"I love you," she said, looking at him from her seat on the passengers side of the car. His face relaxed, though focussed as he expertly weaved through the late night traffic. He'd offered to drive her home and she'd happily accepted. Clearly too drunk to drive herself and not wanting to take the subway late at night, his offer had been most welcome.
"I love you too," he had replied with a chuckle, his eyes not leaving the road. He rarely diverted his eyes when he was driving, but she knew his peripheral vision was exceptional—he was always aware of her facial expressions. And so she smiled to acknowledge his response, even if he didn't seem to fully grasp the meaning behind her words. He reached his hand over the gear shift and placed it carefully on her knee, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"No, I mean—" she started, then cut herself off. Was she really ready to tell him her deepest feelings? Ready for this friendship to end? Either because they became more, or because he'd walk away. She wasn't sure, but she was dying to tell him, to let him in on the secret she'd been fostering for months.
"What?" Steve asked, breaking his own rule of driving as he glanced in her direct for a moment. She felt her cheeks heat up under the furrowed-browed-look, and she squirmed in her seat. She'd been so certain she was going to tell him and now she wavered.
"Never mind," she shrugged, trying to brush it off. She doubted he would let it go, but perhaps she'd get some respite in her drunken state.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?!" He said and she nodded silently, before pushing out a soft 'yeah'.
"So what were you celebrating tonight?" Steve asked after a few long minutes of silence.
"Oh, Julie passed her recertification, she'll be back in the field by Monday," she answered, beaming at the thought of having her partner back on missions.
"The super team back together," Steve said with a smile, "you must be so happy."
"I am, I've missed her," she admitted. The replacement co-workers hadn't been bad, most had been wonderful, fun and kind—but there is something about knowing your partner through and through on dangerous missions. It gives an edge no amount of training can ever give. Not to mention that Julie had become her best friend and she'd been miserable the past few months.
"So what is the mission?" He asked and she frowned. Steve wasn't necessarily one to initiate small talk. It dawned on her he was probably fighting to keep from asking the thing he really wanted to know—what she had wanted to say earlier. Steve was never good at letting things like that go. Curiosity and worry would ensure he'd eventually ask her.
"Not sure, I assume they'll want to start her off easy,"
"Right," Steve nodded.
Steve turned on his blinker and went right, slowing down in front of her apartment building. When the car came to a full stop, they sat in silence. Neither one looking at the other and she wondered what to say. Her mind was racing as she considered her next words. It felt time to tell him. He was no longer her boss, no longer her trainer. He was just her friend now.
"When I told you I love you, just now," she started and Steve turned in his seat to face her, an expectant look on his face. "I didn't mean—"
She stopped talking, twiddling her fingers as her confidence faltered momentarily. Steve said nothing and waited patiently for her to continue. He always did have more patience than she did.
"I meant as more than a friend. I really like you Steve," she spoke quickly, getting the words out before she chickened out. "I'm in love with you."
Silence rose between them and they stared at each other for what felt like an hour. In reality it couldn't have been more than a few seconds. Steve didn't say a word. He just stared back at her, shock clear on his features. Her face heated up once more and she fumbled for her bag and keys as she undid her seatbelt and rushed out of the car. She didn't look back as she rushed up the front stairs, opened the door and practically ran through the lobby, bypassing the elevator and moved to the staircase.
Steve stared at her retreating figure and wondered why he couldn't move, why he hadn't said anything. He felt stupid, oblivious. He really hadn't expected her confession. They'd been getting closer for months and he always enjoyed her company—on several occasions he had even considered kissing her—but he'd been a fool. He didn't think she felt the same. He never imagined he'd be that lucky.
And now he had screwed it all up by staying silent.
She glanced at the clock on the wall, pacing the floor of her living room as she waiting for the knock on the door that would come any moment now. Steve wasn't one to be late. Even if he was dreading the conversation they needed to have. He'd be punctual, kind and understanding as he rebuked her advances and it would hurt more than if he'd be cruel. And yet, she'd never want that image of him either. Even if he walked away from their friendship after tonight, she would not want to ever know him as cruel.
The knock echoed loudly through the quiet apartment and she froze, staring in the direction of the door. She didn't feel ready for this conversation, but knew it had to happen. She had bravely taken the chance to tell him of her feelings and now she would have to accept the consequences. It was time.
Slowly she walked to the door, half expecting another knock, though Steve knew she was home and he was probably giving her time to collect herself.
Steve stood in front of the door, fighting the urge to pace. It was hard to be patient, to wait for her to open the door. But he knew he couldn't demand haste from her. Not after making her wait a whole week. Not that this had ever been his intention. If it had been up to him, he'd have followed her up the stairs that night.
"Hi," he said as she opened the door, not knowing what else to say.
"Hi," she spoke softly and stepped aside to let him in.
"Do you want something to drink?" She asked as they moved into the living room and her cat happily, and loudly, greeted Steve. He bent down, picking Benji up and hugging him close. She could hear Benji purring in Steve's arms and she chocked down a laugh as her mind immediately thought that she wouldn't mind being in a similar position to her cat.
"Just some water, thanks," he said and took a seat on her couch, with the cat still in his arms.
Benji wiggled out of his grip, stepping on the backrest and quickly following her to the kitchen. She'd be tempted to think Benji still preferred her over Steve, but she knew he only followed for the treats that were kept in the kitchen. That cat liked Steve as much as she did.
Returning with two glasses of water, she hesitated before sitting down next to him. Benji quickly jumped on her lap and she petted him absentmindedly as she looked at Steve, hoping he would be the first to speak.
"I'm an idiot," Steve started and she raised a single eyebrow, while suppressing a laugh.
"I wasn't gonna say, but—"she joked to break the tension and he chuckled a little uneasy. Their interactions had never been this tense. But there'd never been much at stake before either.
"When you told me how you felt, I was shocked," her heart dropped at her words, but she remained silent. She needed to hear what he had to say.
"I never thought you'd look at me like that," Steve added. "I didn't expect to be that lucky."
She perked up a little, but was still afraid to let her hope grow. So she asked the one thing that his confession brought up with her.
"So why didn't you let me know? Anytime this week would've been good." It was hard to remain calm, but she knew she had to do it. This conversation deserved calm and collected energy—it was the only way to get everything out in the open.
"You're right," Steve agreed. "I wanted to follow you up that night. I really did."
"But?" she asked. Her throat was a little dry and she reached for her glass, making the cat jump off her lap. Benji decided to lay in his little cathouse instead. He fell asleep moments later, not a care in the world. She was a tad jealous of his uncomplicated life right now.
"I was called in. I've been gone the whole week," Steve said. "I wanted to let you know, but it all went so fast and then we went radio silent."
"How did I not know this?" She wondered. She wasn't half as important as Steve was for the organisation, but she usually knew when any of the Avengers were sent on a mission.
"It was very need-to-know, they were afraid of information leaking out." Steve explained and she nodded in understanding. " I just came back this morning and needed to debrief, which took way longer than I had hoped."
"So you weren't avoiding me?" She asked cautiously, a part of her had been so afraid of this and she wasn't convinced yet that it hadn't been the case. She needed to hear him say it.
"I was not avoiding you," Steve said with a smile, scooting closer to her on the couch. "I'm in love with you too."
He leaned over and pecked her lips gently, before pulling back. A little hesitant, awaiting her response to this confession of his own.
"I love you," he added with a bright smile and slowly moved forward again, giving her ample time to pull away. Which she didn't do, which she wouldn't do. She had been waiting for this kiss for so long and she did not want to miss out any longer. She leaned in, closing the distance and met his lips half way. He exhaled through his nose and she realised he'd been holding his breath. He'd been as nervous as she had been.
Chuckling she pulled back from him and he looked a little confused at the change of emotions, though he was much more relaxed than he had been earlier.
"Quite the pair we make. Too nervous to take action and then when I do, life gets in the way."
"We might need to work on our communication," he chuckled, before kissing her again.
"We've got time," she said with a wink and pulled him closer. This time she wrapped her arms around his neck, before deepening the kiss.