A/N: Warning: Description and discussion of suicide.

—

The war changes in April 1917 with America joining the war.

By this point, Sybil had finished our training in York and had begun working at Downton Hospital. Both us at the end of a long shift back to Downton where, while I am no longer working there as a servant, I'm allowed to stay in my old room with Gemma. The long and exhausting hours is something I'm somewhat used to so that bit isn't the hardest part of it all. Sybil and I have also grown close over this shared experience; particularly bezzies now.

It's weird how I'm hardly in the house anymore but Gemma and Anna tell me what I miss when they can.

There's Mr Lang the new Valet though he seems like a shaken rabbit caught in the headlights but he has been to war though so can't fault him there. William has been called up and is going for his medical and it seems there's something going on with him and Daisy.

Gemma tells Mr Moseley is hovering around Anna and discussing books with her. While I find that sweet, I know that Anna won't be over Mr Bates any time soon. Also apparently Mr Carson looks ready to pop a vein with the stress of maintaining everything to pre-war levels despite losing staff and that no one really cares except him.

One but of news they don't have to tell me about is Thomas getting injured in his hand and being sent back home. He can't come to Downton Hospital though as it's only for officers. He's not going back to the front but Miss O'Brien tells me that she'll work on getting him back to Downton with Lady Grantham.

Nothing has really happened between me and Mr Branson (I felt and feel uncomfortable calling him 'Tom' yet after being so used to not being supposed to plus it sounds a bit personal, maybe intimate) since my letter other than him writing back. In the letter he said he still doesn't want to retract his proposal as he says I'm still the same girl but needs time to digest – to get used to the idea, not that I blame him. Now it wasn't just him waiting.

When I returned to Downton, we didn't, and still don't have much time to talk as I'm more elsewhere now, so we didn't have much time to talk though I'm glad as it was awkward. He had asked me more. I reluctantly tell him when the war ends, who wins, the Treaty of Versailles and the Russian revolution though I hold back from telling him about the next world war considering it's too far away to prove what I am saying is true and I felt I was giving too much away anyway. Being a history nerd helps with proving my credentials.

This calms him down a bit as well as making it more real for him. He hasn't asked anything about Irish independence thankfully considering I don't know much about it, which is what you get going to an English school.

—

I catch Lady Grantham with Major Clarkson outside the hospital at one point.

"I'd love to help, but it's not within my power to hook men from hither and thither as I please." I hear Clarkson say. I decide to linger, curious about what they're saying. Lieutenant Courtenay's pills can wait.

"It's not at all what I was asking." Her Ladyship replies.

"Forgive me, but I thought you were saying that you wanted Corporal Barrow to come and work here when he's fully recovered." Okay now I'm definitely listening. It'd be great to see Thom- I mean Corporal Barrow again.

"I think it a credit to him that he wants to continue to serve in this way. After he's been wounded." Lady Grantham argues.

"Well, that it may be, but it's not for me to decide what happens next." With that the Countess nods disappointedly and leaves.

Clarkson turns and sees me standing there. "Don't you start." He says before I can say anything.

"I wasn't going to say anything Major." I say, he relaxes. "But it would be nice for Corporal Barrow to return." I grin at him.

He sighs irritably and walks back inside.

—

"Oh, I like a bit of life in a house," Anna says as she trails into the kitchen with me behind her. She had been explaining to me how Lady Rosamund and Lady Mary's new beau, Sir Richard, are going to be invited for a weekend.

"But won't Mr Carson spontaneously combust? I might not be here as often but I have noticed he's extra stressed." I say to her. We stop next to Mrs Patmore.

"Erm, I had a letter yesterday." Mrs Patmore says, going over to her little desk.

"Yes?" Anna encourages as she and I follow.

"It's my sister's boy. He's-he's with the Lancashire Fusiliers, only he's gone missing." She puts on her glasses and pulls out the note. "Erm, "missing presumed dead" they call it."

"Jesus. How did that happen?" I question.

"Well, that's just it. They can't find out how it happened, why it happened, whether we can be sure it did happen or he isn't lying prisoner somewhere." Mrs Patmore says in a panicked ramble.

"Why not ask His Lordship?" Anna suggests. "He'll have friends in the war office. They can dig something up."

"Oh, well n- I don't like to bother him." Mrs Patmore says.

"Why not? He's got broad shoulders." Anna argues.

"Mmmh." Mrs Patmore sighs.

"Can't hurt." I add. "Better to know then wondering." Mrs Patmore nods mutely, her mind clearly still focused on her nephew; I don't blame her.

—

I heading off for a shift at the hospital and am going out through the servants entrance though technically I am not one any more. Mr Carson will still have a stink if I go out through the front entrance and since he looks like he's ready to keel over the stress, I decided to go with it.

I enter the courtyard through the door when I spot Thomas. "Thomas!" I cry, throwing myself at him. He laughs as he catches me. Miss O'Brien rolls her eyes at the sight but I think I see a very slight quirk at the edge of her lips.

I pull back and hold his shoulders to look at him. "So it seems Miss O'Brien's scheming has actually done some good."

"The cheek." O'Brien huffs.

Thomas let's our a snort. "Yes I'm now working under Major Clarkson. So are you apparently."

I shrug. "Well…" My eyes flicker down to see his hand. It's covered by a fingerless glove thing.

Miss O'Brien seems to be on the same wavelength. "What about your blighty?" She nods to his hand. He pulls off the glove, showing how it was maimed by the bullet, I cringe at the sight of it - though of all of the injuries I have seen, it isn't the worst. "My god."

"It's not so bad. And it lived up to its name and got me home." Thomas says.

"Go inside, say hello to everyone." I tell him. "I've got to head off." I leave the courtyard.

—

Mr Branson later on turns up at the hospital to inform Sybil that her mother expects her back for tea and Sybil is not happy.

"I can't possibly come! Really, Mama is incorrigible!"

"It's not poor Branson's fault." Mrs Crawley says.

"But what is the point of Mama's soirees? What are they for?" Sybil argues.

"Well, I'm going out for dinner tonight and I'm glad. Is that wrong?"

"Lady Grantham has also invited Nurse Byrne as well." Mr Branson adds. "She felt Lady Sybil might more likely come if she does."

I spin around from where I had been making a bed and I stare at him in shock. "What?!" I exclaim in a squeaky voice.

"Well that's nice, it'll be fun." Mrs Crawley says.

"Will it?" I question in the same squeaky voice. Not only was the Downton house and village Crawleys, including newly appointed Captain Crawley who is in the country to help recruitment, but I know that Lady Rosamund and Sir Richard, Lady Mary's new 'friend', are coming as well. Help.

"Well if I'm going you are too Emma." Sybil says.

"But what am I going to wear?" I question.

"We'll find you something."

I look over to see Mr Branson amused by my reaction.

Thomas walks in with some blankets and Mrs Crawley turns to him. "Thomas, you can cover for Nurse Crawley and Nurse Byrne, can't you?"

"I can." Thomas starts making up a bed and Mr Branson approaches him, they talk briefly.

I go over to them with a bottle of pills in my hand. "Can you give Lieutenant Courtenay his pills?"

"Of course I can. I'd be glad to." Thomas replies. Mr Branson and I share a lingering look as I walk away.

—

I shift uncomfortably in my new clothes that I had borrowed from Sybil as it seemed we aren't too dissimilar in size. I scan everyone from my spot next to Sybil waiting for Mrs Crawley to arrive as I know she'll treat me normally. I also take in the world of socialising before dinner as it's something I've never seen. The greeting between me and the Earl and countess was incredibly awkward but they were kind even if slightly uncomfortable with the idea of their ex servant joining them for dinner; don't know why really considering it's their fault I'm going to be sitting at the table with them. I nervously eye Sir Richard, who is by Lady May; something about him unnerves me.

"Mrs Crawley, Captain Crawley, and Miss Swire." Mr Carson announces. Oh thank god.

Mr Carson steps aside for them to enter.

Lord Grantham goes over to great them. "Ah. Isobel." Mrs Crawley smiles and walks past him to Lady Grantham and Captain Crawley steps forward. "Well, now. Still in one piece. Thank God."

They shake hands. "Touch wood."

"I never stop touching it."

Lady Mary drags Sir Richard over to them. "Do you know Sir Richard Carlisle? My cousin, Captain Crawley."

"How do you do?" Sir Richard greets. Sybil, her aunt and I watch from the other side of the room.

"And his fiancé, Miss Swire." Lord Grantham adds.

"I know Miss Swire. Her uncle and I are old friends." Sir Richard says.

"Well, old acquaintances, anyway." Miss Swire says. Well that's interesting.

Sybil turns to her aunt. "What do you think Mary sees in him?"

"Besides the money, you mean?" Lady Rosamund replies.

"It must be more than that." I say. Sybil nods in agreement.

Lady Rosamund raises an eyebrow at me in surprise. "For you two. Not necessarily for her."

Mrs Crawley wanders over to us. "You look lovely Emma."

I blush. "Oh thank you Mrs Crawley. I had some help though." I glance at Captain Crawley again. "You must be glad to see your son again."

Her smile dims a bit, likely thinking then of how she could easily lose him in this war. "Yes I am."

"Have you met Mary's new suitor?" Lady Rosamund butts in pointedly. I wondered what she's trying here.

"Um… no I have not." Mrs Crawley replies.

"Well he seems like a good match for Mary." Lady Rosamund says.

"Is he?" I blurt out before I can stop myself causing the three women I am standing with turn to stare at me with varying degrees of annoyance and amusement. Sybil giggles. It's not my fault I'm getting a bad vibe from him!

—

Lord and Lady Grantham sit opposite each other in the middle of the table. From Lady Grantham's right it's Sir Richard, Lady Mary, Mrs Crawley, Lady Edith and Lady Rosamund until Lord Grantham and on his right it's his mother then Captain Crawley, Miss Swire, me and Sybil.

I am quite happy with my seat as I know Sybil and Miss Swire is very kind and nonjudgmental; I like her even if I prefer Captain Crawley to be with someone else. Someone I notice him glancing over to at some point during dinner.

"So you are a nurse now?" Miss Swire kindly asks me.

I startle at being spoken to. "Uh… yes. I er used to be a maid here but I wanted to train as a nurse, to challenge myself I suppose and well do something with my life if that doesn't sound too selfish."

Miss Swire smiles. "Not at all. It is commendable."

I look at Mr Lang concerned as he enters, the man looks terrified. The Dowager refuses the sauce Mr Lang offers after Mr Carson has served her. I hear her talking to her son about Thomas though the man doesn't sound happy about the idea that Thomas is back and working in the hospital.

Mr Lang walks around Mr Carson, past Lord Grantham, who Mr Carson is serving, to serve Lady Rosamund. Mr Carson angrily hisses at him to get behind him and he and Mr Lang switch places and Mr Lang serves Lord Grantham the sauce. Mr Lang continues down the table to Lady Rosamund despite having already served her.

"Thank you, but I already have some." She says politely.

"No, no. Give that to me." Mr Lang tries to hand Mr Carson the sauce, but Mr Carson drops it and it spills all over Lady Edith, who stands up in shock. "I-I do apologise, my lady. I— Mr Lang, get a c—" Mr Carson seizes up.

Mrs Crawley immediately stands. The entire table stands up to help Mr Carson, well everyone except the Dowager.

"Carson? Carson, what's the matter?" Lady Grantham exclaims.

Lady Mary stands behind Mrs Crawley's chair as said woman sits him down. "Carson, it's all right. Everything will be fine."

As we all, that is if you don't count the Dowager and Sir Richard, crowd around him, Lord Grantham loosening Mr Carson's collar, Mrs Crawley turns to Lady Edith, "Edith, go with Branson and fetch Major Clarkson. I'll telephone and explain what's happened."

"What about my dress?" Lady Edith complains. I send her an irritated look, this was really not the time!

"Edith! We'll get you a coat! Come." Lady Grantham says dragging her middle child out of the room. Sybil and I step forward to help due to our training.

"Sybil and Emma will know what to do until the doctor comes." Lady Mary says to Mrs Crawley.

"You'll find there's never a dull moment in this house." The Dowager remarks to Sir Richard as Mrs Hughes walks into the room. I then see Ethel, Anna, Daisy, Miss O'Brien and Gemma at the end of the room watching.

"Lady Sybil and I will take him upstairs. Nurse Byrne will show us the way, please." Captain Crawley decides as he and Sybil grab Mr Carson's arms.

"Of course." I say. I watch Mr Carson's face closely, trying to gather anything else about what is going on with him.

"I can help." Lady Mary says.

"No, let me. I know what I'm doing." Sybil says to her sister.

Still rather incapacitated, Mr Carson still protests. "I'm sure that's not necessary, my lady."

"It's not milady now, Carson. It's Nurse Crawley." Captain Crawley, Sybil and I guide Mr Carson out of the room.

—

It turns out that Mr Carson is not having a heart attack and just simply needs to relax and rest. It seems Mrs Hughes is going through a trial to keep him in bed.

Time continues and I can't seem to find the time to talk to Mr Branson since his proposal though I am secretly grateful as I am not sure what to say to him if I did have a chance considering how awkward I feel around him now.

One day I see Thomas and Lieutenant Courtenay getting closer when I spot Thomas reading Lieutenant Courtenay's post to him. As I watch them, I see Lieutenant Courtenay pat Thomas's knee and Thomas grasps his hand back. I smile sadly at the sight, thinking how, due to the time period, Thomas can't be truly open with who he is. I decide to leave them alone.

—

I am in the exercise yard with Thomas helping Lieutenant Courtenay learn to walk on his own with a cane without being able to see. We have set up a few chairs so he can figure out how to judge the space in front of him when walking. It reminds me of my life in the future when I would see this man and his wife taking walks and the wife always had a stick out in front of her to judge the surface.

Thomas walks in front of him. "That's it. That's right, sir. If you move the stick fast enough, you don't have to slacken your pace."

I walk behind. "And check the width of the space as well as any possible obstruction."

"Lieutenant Courtenay!" Major Clarkson approaches. "Well done. You're making good progress."

"Thanks to my saviours." Courtenay says. I smile and Thomas salutes the major.

"So you'll be pleased to hear that we're all agreed that it's time for you to continue treatment elsewhere." Clarkson says. What?

Courtenay voices this, "What?"

"At Farley Hall." Clarkson continues unfazed. "You're not ill anymore. All you need is time to adjust to your condition, and the staff at Farley can help with that."

"But, sir, these two are helping me here."

"Nurse Byrne and Corporal Barrow are not trained in specialist care." Clarkson dismisses. I frown at that. We're trying our best!

"Please. Don't sent me away. Not yet." Courtenay begs.

"Sir, surely we—" Clarkson shoots Thomas a look.

"Lieutenant, you must know that every one of our beds is needed for the injured and dying from Arras. Mm?" Clarkson pats Courtenay on the arm. "Corporal, I'll see you in my office."

—

Sybil and I stand outside the office that Major Clarkson and Thomas are in but we can only hear muffled voices and it's only when Major Clarkson picks up his voice do we hear what is being said. She had found me standing worriedly outside the door and I explained what had happened and now she's joined me in my worry.

"I will not leave wounded soldiers freezing or sweating under canvas because one junior officer is depressed!" Clarkson yells and Sybil takes this opportunity to knock on the door. "Yes!"

Sybil enters with me right behind her. "I thought you may want to know what I think."

"Why should I?" Clarkson spits. "Nurse Crawley, I may not be your social superior in a Mayfair ballroom, but in this hospital, I have the deciding voice. Please help him prepare his belongings. He leaves first thing in the morning."

I decide to push in then. "But won't this cause him distress?" Clarkson's sharp eyes turn to me but I continue. "You heard him, he's made attachments here."

"I've made my decision."

—

It's horrible when I learn that I am right about it causing him distress. I discover, during one of my rounds, Lieutenant Courtenay with cut wrists, lying completely still with a pool of blood gathered on the floor. I rush out of the ward to sound the alarm about what has happened.

It is later on once the news has spread that I go to find Thomas who is crying in one of the corridors. I sit next to him and gather him in my arms so that his head is in between my head and shoulder. I simply hold him as he sobs, not saying a word.

—

"He must've smuggled a razor into his bed. There was nothing to be done." Major Clarkson notes as we gather in the exercise yard.

"It's because we ordered him to go." Sybil says.

"We don't know that." Mrs Crawley argues.

"Yes we do." I counter.

"This is a tragedy, I don't deny it. But I cannot see what other course was open to me. We have no room for men to convalesce here and Farley is the nearest house I can send them to." Clarkson explains what we already know.

"There is a solution and it's staring us in the face…" Mrs Crawley says.

"Downton Abbey…" I realise.

Clarkson scoffs. "Would they ever allow it?" A revelation occurs to Sybil and Clarkson. "Or even consider it?"

"I think they would. After this, I think they can be made to." Sybil declares.

"It's worth a try." I say, agreeing with her.

—

It is a busy day when the wounded arrive in the hospital trucks. Everyone is working hard to direct and settle them.

I am inside guiding a wounded man to his bed when I notice Mr Branson standing next to me. I feel myself blush slightly at how close he is.

"Don't worry I'm not here to talk." He says.

I almost feel bad for the relief that he hasn't come to talk about anything else but I try to deny it. "Oh n-no I…"

He smiles at me almost fondly. "It's all right." He lifts up a basket in one of his hands that I hadn't noticed before. "Her Ladyship had Mrs Patmore made this up for Lady Sybil so she could eat something during the day. But I can't find her, do you know where she is?" He says.

"Oh, I dunno, somewhere. Anyway I won't have time to find her. Though I doubt she'll eat it, she'll be too busy." I turn back to settling the wounded officer.

Captain Crawley enters and approaches his mother who is directing and placing wounded, some on stretchers, along with Major Clarkson. Captain Crawley then seems to wander aimlessly among the beds in shock.

Mr Branson snaps me out of my observations. "Is it what you thought it would be? "

"No. No, it's more horrible and cruel than I could've imagined, but I feel like I am actually making more of an impact for the first time in my life, and that must be a good thing." I say to him without looking directly at him for too long. "Captain Crawley," I call to the lost man, "are you busy?"

Captain Crawley snaps out of his daze, "No, of course not." He helps a man into bed by lifting his legs onto it.

"So you wouldn't go back to the safety bubble? To your life before the war? Being in service?" Mr Branson asks me.

I can't look directly at him as I speak, "No. No, I can never go back to that world again. Not back to being a servant." I go about my work, leaving him behind me.

—

Bad news reaches us as it turns out that Mrs Patmore's nephew has been killed. It seems every man of the young generation is being killed. The woman is inconsolable for a while, it made me wonder if there is more to it.

—

"Turns out he's been hovering around as he hoped to see more of him, but I've had to turn him away." Anna explains as we talk about Mr Mosely in the Servants' hall.

"Well it's only fair to him isn't it. You don't like him." Gemma says, inadvertently hinting to he who shall not be named.

"Mmmh," I reply, "in other news can I tell you I'm so glad not to be eating with them upstairs tonight." I say diverting the conversation before Anna gets upset with the thought of Mr Bates. I am also glad not to be there as Sybil and Mrs Crawley are pitching the convalescent home idea to the family and I don't want to be there for the argument.

"Why?" Ethel interrupts. "Seemed quite entertaining last time."

"Yes Mr Carson overworking himself and then collapsing is the height of entertainment." I snap. Ethel rolls her eyes and picks up her magazine and walks out of the room.

Anna and Gemma then stand to clean the dining room as William then walks in, dressed in full uniform.

"William?" Anna says when she spots him. "What a treat to see you. And how smart you look. Welcome."

"Thanks." He says. I send him a kind smile despite the dread I feel seeing him in the uniform.

"Supper won't be long. We're just going up to clear the dining room." Gemma says.

"I would help but like you, I've got a new job now." I joke. Anna and Gemma smile at him and leave.

"So, still full of the joys of warfare?" Mr Lang questions from where he has been sitting, reading.

"I'm not sorry to be part of it, Mr Lang, and I can't pretend I am." I couldn't help but feel like he shouldn't be but I don't say anything cause I know it won't do anything.

"Oh, yes, you're part of it. Like a metal cog is part of a factory, or a grain of sand is part of the beach." Mr Lang says.

"It's all right, Mr Lang. I understand." Do you? "And I'm not saying I'm important, or ought like that. But I believe in this war. I believe in what we're fighting for and I want to do my bit." William says determinedly.

"Then God help you."

—

I soon learn that William has got a lot to say.

""If you had taken another minute to make up your mind, sir, we'd all have marched over the cliff."" The servants laugh at William's tale while I just watch him sadly, this young boy has no idea what is coming.

I decided to walk away at this point. Away from this hoe and positivity. I hear William talking behind me. "And I'll tell you something else as well-"

—

The next day Sybil tells me it has worked and her parents have given the okay for Downton to become a convalescent home. It is now clear that Downton Abbey has not escaped the war and will now be able to do its bit.