Warnings: Farm/Ranch AU, lots of AUs here (Bad Sansies, Star Sansies, various other UTMV skeletons), Sanscest, mild language, kidnapping, Mpreg, implied sex, and discussions of criminal activities.

I cannot separate Red from his potty mouth, it just is and there's nothing I can do about it. So be warned, there are four letter words ahead.

"This place is a dump," Nightmare said in disgust.

Red shrugged, "We've hunkered down in worse."

Nightmare looked the dilapidated farmhouse over once again: the windows were all broken, there seemed to be a few holes in the roof, there were weeds growing up through the front porch, and the weathered wood was sagging; but the floors seemed to be holding up as the rest of his crew explored the inside. "We have, but only for one night. I also never planned on buying any of those other places either."

"So we take the cost of the buildings out, tell the owners since we have to tear them down and start over we ain't buyin' them. Land is still land though, and ya gotta admit this farm is perfect."

Nightmare looked beyond the neglected farmhouse and the equally neglected buildings near it out to what must have once been fields or paddocks judging from the crumbling remains of fences among a see of weed. And beyond even those to the thickly growing trees in fiery golden hues mixed in with dark green, surrounded by rocky landscape. "It might be. You're sure about the pass?"

"Yes," Red said harshly, enunciating the word with unusual clarity. "The pass is the only way in or out on the Snowdin side," Red motioned to the remains of a weed choked road leading down and away from the house. "There're some passages to the other nearby towns but they ain't easy to find or get through fer most monsters." Like the one Red had used to get them in here.

"Hey boss," Axe called from one of the empty window panes, "the kitchen's still good."

"Is it really?"

Axe just motioned towards the side of the house. Nightmare sighed and walked around to find the kitchen door hanging askew, only one hinge left to support it. Just inside the door the wooden floor was warped and weak looking, shattered glass from the window sparkling jauntily in the afternoon light. Axe stood further in, where indeed the room seemed fine. On the far wall were a bunch of pots and utensils hanging next to a stove range, on the other side of which were a bunch of built in shelves with a few clay jars still lined up haphazardly on them.

"Everything in the jars went bad already," Axe said conversationally, "an' the cookware needs a good scrubbing, but it's all pretty usable. Pantry an' storeroom look pretty good too, all things considered."

"Upstairs is in surprisingly good shape too," Reaper said from right next to them.

Red jumped and snarled, "Holy shit! Don't sneak up like that!"

"Not my fault you didn't hear me."

"You don't walk," Red accused angrily.

"I think the place must have had some protective wards when it was still in use, but they've all faded," Reaper continued. "The attic's not in great shape, that's where most of the leaks sprung up, but the roof doesn't look like it's going to collapse and all the floors will hold our weight."

"That's good."

"I found some old beds and the like, but it seems a bunch of mice moved in and chewed them up."

"Ugh," Nightmare made a disgusted face.

"Don't worry, I've already taken care of them."

"The mice or the beds?" Axe asked skeptically.

"Both!" Reaper replied with a wide grin.

"I should go double check the storeroom and pantry," Axe muttered, then turned and wandered off.

"Later, I want to see the barn before heading off to go haggle with the locals for this worthless place."

"Boss," Red said with a sigh, "the land still has value. Ya said ya wanted someplace easy to defend but with a lot of trees."

"The buildings are still worthless."

"I'm sure some of the wood is worth salvaging," Reaper said cheerfully.

"Where's Killer?"

"Stabbing a chair."

"What?" Nightmare stalked into the next room, where a few armchairs and a couch were arranged around a grand but empty fireplace. Killer was indeed happily dragging a knife through the cushions of an armchair. "Killer!"

"What? It's broke anyway."

Nightmare sighed deeply, "That's enough. Let's just go see what Dust and Error have to say about the barn."

Killer shrugged and tucked his knife away, then fell in with the others as they followed Nightmare out the front door, shockingly still attached to the frame. As they walked down the porch the horses all looked up from where they were grazing in front of the house, then went back to happily munching on the plants growing up between the slats and flooding out along the porch's edge. Well, at least those were being taken care of.

The barn was visible from the house down a slope of hard packed dirt, or much more quickly down a small cliff if you didn't care what state you were in on landing. When they arrived at the barn they smelled it even before they got a look at the inside, the sickly sweet scent of rot mixed in with a dank must. Not a surprise, there were far more holes in the barn's thin walls than there had been in the house.

"I don't think it had as many wards as the house," Reaper commented absently.

"Watch your ankles, there are pests in the hay," Error said disdainfully as the group entered.

"There's an attached stable, it's in better condition," Dust added.

"Hey, look how rusted this pitchfork is," Killer said cheerfully as he reached for a pitchfork leaning against a particularly weak looking wall.

"Killer, wait!" Red tried to say.

Killer was already pulling on the pitchfork, bringing part of the wall with it. Then the whole thing just collapsed.

Everyone reacted all at once: bones of various shades sprung up to form a hodgepodge cage over them while Error's strings pulled Killer clear of the collapsing wall. They all stood huddled under their bone cage coughing while the dust settled.

"Well, at least the roof's still intact," Dust commented once his coughing subsided. When it looked like the roof wasn't coming down on top of them the cage of bones slowly dispersed.

"Yer an idiot," Red told Killer bitterly.

"We're all idiots," Killer shot back with a smug grin.

"Well the barn's a loss, we may as well burn it down," Nightmare groused.

"Eh, not if the stable is salvageable," Red said nervously. "Isn't that what you said, Dust?"

Dust just nodded.

"We can still burn it if ya want, stack it up next to the house to use as firewood this winter. It'd be better to use it to try repairin' the house an' stable before winter though, 'less ya wanna just buy brand new wood."

"Why not just cut down some of the trees we're surrounded by?" Error crossed his arms and glowered at Red.

"We won't have time to let the wood dry properly before winter, better to use what we can salvage from this for a patch job and start the actual renovations in the spring."

"How do you even know all this?" Dust asked.

Red rolled his eye pips, "'Cause I used to be a farmhand, or werne't ya listenin' when I 'splained all that?"

"Enough," Nightmare said loudly. "Red does have a point about the land though, I do believe this farm will do nicely. Saddle up, time to let some yokels swindle us out of all our money."

"I uh… I better just stay here," Red said quietly.

"Why?" Killer asked.

"Ya think a guy ends up in with you lot when he's got a home to go back to?"

Nightmare frowned, "Are you wanted?"

Red shrugged, but refused to make eye pip contact. "I'll just stay here, see about gettin' the stables into good condition."

"Why not the house?" Reaper asked in confusion.

"'Cause I ain't makin' the horses stay in a nasty ass stable!"

"There's a creek we crossed getting in here," Nightmare said sternly, "they can sleep there."

"I think I saw a pond too," Killer added cheerfully.

"If you're going to stay here you're better off trying to get the house into half decent shape."

"A'ight," Red said passively, before his eye pips sharpened. "Remember, don't make any offers until all three are there. And don't let them get caught up in haggling, it'll just turn into the three of them squabbling like geese. Keep them in check."

"Yes, yes," Nightmare waved Red off. He whistled, then turned and pointed at Red. "You had better not slack off while we're in town."

"No, boss, wouldn't dream of it, boss."

Nightmare's eye narrowed, then he harrumphed and turned back as the horses came trotting down the slope and up to them. Nightmare got up on his horse, followed quickly by everyone but Red.

"Shouldn't we unpack all our gear?" Error asked.

"Not until I have the deed in my hand," Nightmare replied crisply. His tentacles were already gone, and the goop he was constantly covered with was beginning to drain away.

"And it'll be suspicious if a bunch of travelers don't have packs," Reaper added.

"Well have fun in town, don't say hi to anyone for me." Red waved as the others turned and began down the road that led to Snowdin Town. There was a snort behind him, Red turned to see his own horse, Nelly, blinking at him. "C'mon, let's go check out the stable an' see 'bout gettin' that tack off, then ya can go do what ya want 'til the others get back."

Nelly snorted again, but gamely followed Red to the stable.