AM I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Hello my dear people...As a way of distracting myself from reality, I decided to write this short story that came into my mind recently. It's not going to be a very long one-I'm predicting two or three chapters, no more...Once again, I decided to built a story around my favorite subject- Chelsie wedding night-I still wonder how many times more can I write about it? Probably endlessly ;-)
Story summary: Elsie and Charles are filled with doubts during their first night together, but neither of them knows how to approach a subject..
Legal note: I do not own any Downton Abbey characters.
Elsie couldn't stop thinking about it. All the time, without stopping...Ever since they had that awkward conversation about their future marriage relations, she couldn't stop thinking about it...Her mind was tormented constantly...All her life, on the different stages of it, she was wondering, what it means to be someone's wife, in a biblical sense of that word...She was looking at married women, with children, she was observing them and she was wondering...What it means for them to belong to a man-totally. How it feels for them, when they know that their bodies are not only their bodies, but they also belong to their husbands, who have a right to use them anytime and anyway they want...
Sometimes, she was shuddering inside, thinking if this was at all pleasurable or not...Was it a marital duty in a full meaning of that word or did the wives found any kind of pleasure in in too? Of course as a maid and a woman who never had any close, physical contact with a man, she couldn't find an answer to that question..All the informations that she had, were gained by accident, when she overheard some conversations of married women, which were not meant for her ears..She couldn't ask them herself...Victorian times did not recognize the need of information of that kind from unmarried women. The observations that Elsie made through the years, didn't give her a straight answer to those questions as well..Some of women seemed happy, other were less happy...She saw really happy women, who were smiling tenderly to their husbands on Sunday at church and she also saw tired and exhausted with life women, encircled with a lot of children, looking at their husbands with fear in their eyes...
Elsie figured, that marriage must be like a lottery-either you win or not. It must have been pretty much like anything else in life-some people are lucky and they get what they want and what they dream of and others are not and they live in frustration and the feeling of being unfulfilled...
As the years go by and Elsie was in age when she was aware of her inability to become a mother, she was still wondering, would this change a relationship with her possible, future husband? Marrying her age, it was obvious, that the sexual life will exist only for the purpose of pleasing her husband, nothing more, because she couldn't give birth to a child no more..
At some point of her life, she lost hope for ever knowing the "mystery of life", because she lost hope for getting married at all. However now, after Charles's proposal, things have changed...She waited so long for that, she thought that she won't live to see that and then it came...Her beloved old booby finally popped the question, that she was waiting for so long...She was so excited about it when it happened, than in the beginning, she didn't even thought about other things connected to that...She only saw them as married couple, as a companionship, as two people, who loved and respected each other very much over the years, but because of circumstances, that they were in, couldn't express this love earlier..
Then came the reflection and a reminder that marriage is not only about that...That most men can't imagine to be a husband without experiencing intimacy...Elsie reminded herself a very harsh and sharp words from her aunt, that she heard, when she was young-that most men are only getting married for two things-to have someone to cook for them and to have a certain pleasures in marital bed.
She loved Charles very much, but until now, she didn't gave much thought about that side of marriage. So when she started to realize what was ahead of her, she wanted to make sure that he understood the meaning of marriage the same way she did...It was possible that maybe, after life full of abstinence, he would not be interested in those things...However, after his very embarassing conversation with Mrs Patmore, he made it quite clear, that he was indeed expecting it and he was very eager to it...
Even though she was a bit terrified, when she heard that, she was also a little proud about that..If he was so certain that he wanted a full marriage with her, it must have meant that he really loved her and desired her..This thought was very new for her and very thrilling at the same time..For many years, Elsie didn't think of herself as a woman who could be desired by anyone. Even when she confessed to Mrs Patmore, that she was once a pretty girl when she was young, it was all a question of a past. She was a middle age woman now, late middle age as the told her friend..
Her body didn't resemble the firm and lovely ones that she once had as a young girl...It was floppy, pale and unattractive-at least in her eyes and nobody was seeing it-except for the doctor and herself, when she was taking a bath...Yes, her age was an issue-at least for her, but obviously it was not a factor for him, if he was so explicit about his needs...Elsie was thinking about it, especially late at night, when she couldn't get to sleep..She was blushing, when she realized, that possibly he wanted her before...Before he proposed, that she must have been attractive to him all those years, even though he never expressed it openly, because it would be seen as vulgar..
As the wedding night was approaching, Elsie was a bundle of nerves..All the possible scenarios were entering her mind...She was wondering, if over the years, Charles was living in an abstinence or was he visiting houses of ill repute during the London season-or maybe some lonely widow in the city? Elsie knew that kind of stories and she knew that men did those things...Women were forced to live in chastity, but men...
If he was indeed having those kind of relations with other women, won't he be disappointed with her? Those women for sure knew much more than her about it..They knew how to behave, how to react, what do do during...What did she know about it? Almost nothing...The fear that she will not be able to please him, connected with a much bigger fear about the painful side of intimate relations, made her so nervous, that even during their wedding in church and their wedding reception, she wasn't able to push those thoughts away...When the celebrations ended and they were left alone, she felt like she was about to faint...
When she took her bath and she lied in bed, waiting for him, for a moment, she was ready to get dress and run away, just not to have to go through this...
When he joined her, pretty soon, her fear must have been written all over her face, because he saw it and he wanted to calm her down, to make it go away:
"Elsie...My love...Do not be frightened...It's only me...The man who loves you more than his life...It will all be all right...I will take care of everything...Do you trust me?"
She nodded and she let him lead...She was shivering all over, when he undressed her, she closed her eyes, not wanting to see his reaction for the sight of her body, but she opened them, when she heard his quiet whispers, saying something about how beautiful she was...She let him kiss her and hold her close, she let his lips and hands wander around her body, but she was so focused on not letting him down, of not being too rigid for him...When he took his clothes and reveal herself to her, she became more and more nervous...She didn't know much about the male anatomy, but what she saw, when he took off his pajama trousers, kind of scare her, entering horrifying thoughts to her-how was she going to fit this enormous thing in her? Was it even physically possible to do that? With every passing minute, she was more and more terrified and Charles didn't seem to notice it...
She was so stressed, that his kisses and caresses didn't evoke any kind of arousal in her. On the contrary, she felt like she left her own body and watched from the side as Charles was kissing and caressing her...
She was so focused on herself, that she barely wondered what he was feeling in that moment, let alone focused on giving him any kind of pleasure, by touching him...She just embraced his back and as they got to a culmination point, when he asked her with a hoarse voice if she was ready, she nodded again, closed her eyes and she tried not to show him how much pain it caused her initially to take it...When he entered her, in the first moment, even though he was trying to be gentle, at least that's what she thought, it hurt a lot and she dug her nails into his back, causing a pain to him and he hissed, which brought her back to reality, when she noticed that she was hurting him...
As he was moving within her, slowly and cautiously, the pain was slowly subdued, but it was still not an experience that she would find enjoyable...She wasn't sure if she should keep her eyes closed, if she should say something, let him know somehow what she was feeling...She wasn't sure of anything..When she decided to open her eyes and check how he was feeling, she saw a pure bliss expression on his face, his forehead covered with perspiration and his were eyes shut...He wasn't saying anything, he just mumbled something, some words, that she couldn't understand, but he was clearly enjoying it...
As the time passed, she noticed, that he began to breathe heavily and his movements were faster and harder, until the point, when it started to be painful for her again...Few moments later, his body shuddered violently and he moaned loudly...Elsie felt something warm and wet was spilled inside her and she understood that it was over...Charles seemed to be exhausted and that was not strange, considering, that she was the one who was lying still and he was the one who made all the effort...He was lying, looking at her with concern in his eyes, like he was afraid that he hurt her...She didn't want him to be worried, so she smiled gently and she caressed his cheek, showing him, that everything was all right..He kissed her hand and he drew her closer, falling asleep few minutes later...Leaving Elsie in a state of shock and full of doubts...
So this is what the great 'mystery of life" looked like? That was the fuss all about? Elsie was happy that the pain was bearable, but other than that, she sensed, that she must have disappointed Charles terribly...He was probably used to women who were more brave, more vocal and more enthusiastic in bed, while she just lied there without giving him any sing of approval or disapporoval for the situation...Like a typical Victorian woman, who was told to lie, close her eyes and think of England...
She moved away from him a little, crossing her legs and she hissed from pain, as she was not used to those kind of activities...The sheet was covered with blood, which was not a shock for Elsie, because she may not know much about it, but she knew, that blood during first sex is a normal thing..
She looked at sleeping Charles and she wondered again how much she has disappointed him? She was thinking, that after this night, he will probably regret his decision about wanting a full marriage and maybe even refrain himself from further activities of that kind with her...At the moment, she wasn't really sure of anything. She just felt, that all the imaginings, that she had about that sphere of life before, has now completely turned into dust and when the tears flowed from her eyes, she wasn't sure if she was crying about her lost hopes or was she crying because she failed as wife, who didn't fulfill her wifely duty in a satisfactory way?
She whispered into the quiet of the night, between her husband happy snores:
"Oh Charles, am I good enough for you?" and she took a fetal position, trying to cope with her pain and uncertainty...
I have to admit...That was much sadder and much more depressed, that I intentionally planned it...As they say-the current story depends on author's current mood and since mine is not the best one...I'm really sorry, but this story as most of my stories, will have a happy ending. I promise..We just have to go through the awkward part to get to the good part...This chapter was more Elsie POV, so the next one will be Charles's POV and the third one will be the happy ending...It's good to have a plan ;-) If you didn't totally hate it, you can always say what you think about it. I will be greatful. Thank you for everything and be safe.