CHAPTER 17

NOTES:

Hello dear readers, and welcome to chapter 17!

I have been battling with this chapter for a couple of weeks, for some reason their dialogue didn't come as easily this time around. But I don't know what else to change.

As always, thank you to each and every one of you who comes back for each chapter. I know some of you gave me suggestions, and some of them will be used in later chapters (chapter 18, for example, will include two of your suggestions!).

For now, here we go with chapter 17.

ENJOY!

The last days of December went by in the blink of an eye, and too quickly for Harry's taste, the students were back from their winter holidays. The castle reverted to having the ruckus it always had, the corridors full of excited students after being away for a few days. Friends meeting again, couples that were hugging and smooching after spending time with their families... Harry knew all about it, after being with his friends every day for the past months, it was unnerving to suddenly be with your family.

And he couldn't lie to himself. As much as he liked having the entire castle almost to himself during holidays, he also missed the hustle and bustle of school life. Hogwarts was far too big and too empty without students around. He smiled when at the welcoming feast after the holidays, he could see the pupils again in the Great Hall, the tables back in the usual position.

Severus's birthday had been a regular weekday, so they hadn't been able to spend much time together until the evening. But Harry had made sure to take some time to bake Severus's favourite roast chicken for dinner. A happy chance had placed detention right after Severus's last class, so Harry had had time to prepare everything and get it ready for his return.

Besides, at this point, it was common knowledge that they ate together some meals away from the Great Hall. Therefore, nobody batted an eye when they didn't make an appearance for dinner. Even less so Minerva, Dumbledore and Hagrid, the only ones who knew Severus's birthday date.

Harry still remembered Severus's wide eyes and shocked expression when he entered his living quarters and the smell of roast chicken hit his nostrils.

"What's all this?" came his voice from the threshold, still with the door open. Harry only gave him a wide smile.

"Happy birthday, Severus" Harry had said from the kitchenette, clad in one of Severus's aprons.

His hands smelled strongly of onion and garlic, his hair was a mess and his clothes were wrinkled from spending all day up and down the castle corridors. Yet, nothing mattered when Severus seemed to react, crossed the living room in two strides and engulfed him in an emotional hug.

"Thank you..." he'd whispered, resting his head on Harry's shoulder and letting his hair cover half of his face. His voice was choked with emotion, and Harry had answered the hug immediately, happy that his surprise was of Severus's liking.

After that, the month seemed to fly by, week by week, stressful as it had always been.

One evening in late January, Harry was in his and Severus's rooms in the dungeons after dinner. He was on the sofa, a blanket on top of his legs, and was grading some 4th-year papers when he heard the door opening. He looked up the moment a swirl of black crossed the threshold, and he smiled.

"Hello," he said from his spot on the sofa.

Severus focused on him, not having realized he was there in the first place. For a split second, Harry saw his brow furrowing and his eyes hardening, his hand twitching close to his inner pocket, where Harry knew he had his wand. Old habits die hard, he guessed.

"Excuse me, I hadn't seen you" he answered as he took off his robes and walked towards the sofa "what are you doing here so early?"

"I had a few things to correct and thought I could wait for you here" Harry answered as Severus sat down, slowly and elegantly, next to him. Harry curled up his legs under him to give him a bit more space "how are you?"

Severus only sighed, taking a deep breath in and exhaling slowly.

"Tuesdays are exhausting" he muttered, and Harry saw him closing his eyes momentarily "I'm so tired, and I still have the Head of Houses meeting in a bit..."

"Let's hope Minerva makes a quick job of it" Harry whispered as one of his hands travelled to his cheek "you look like you could use some sleep today..."

"I can't, I have the potion I've been trying to improve. I left it in stasis to let it simmer but I need to check it" Severus said, running a hand through his black hair.

"Severus... are you sure you need to have all these responsibilities? You're taking up too much work, one day you'll explode" Harry whispered.

"There's nobody else" Severus retorted. "I won't leave my Slytherins to another less capable teacher, and I'm the only one in the castle who can make the type of potions I make."

"What about Slughorn? He was a Potions Master and taught for years, maybe he could help in your brewings?"

"Slughorn is enjoying his retirement, as he should" Severus stated, then he shook his head "I'm fine, I've had much worse. January is always hard... right now a student was feeling homesick."

"Oh, poor dear... what happened?"

"The Head Boy came to find me when I was coming here and took me to the common room. She had just had a baby brother during the holidays and hated being away from them. And I guess failing the Herbology exam didn't help in her emotional state" Severus said.

Then he sighed again, letting his head fall back on the sofa and closing his eyes.

"I wish I had more words of comfort for her" Severus whispered, his voice regretful "but I had few. I told her to focus on her studies to make her brother proud, gave her peppermint tea, accompanied her to bed and tucked her in. She fell asleep in seconds."

"How old is she?"

"Second year. A mere child" Severus said "sometimes I agree with Albus. We sort too soon, and perhaps we start school too soon as well..."

Harry hated seeing Severus so affected. In his years as a student, he had seen him being favourable, sometimes alarmingly so, towards his own House. But now he saw Severus's actions for what they were, he was protecting each and every one of his snakes. Perhaps not in the best way possible when it came to house points, but he had the best intentions at heart.

He'd seen how worried he was at the beginning of each term. How he made sure the younger ones had some form of structured schedule - from study sessions to set bedtimes. The only ones who were exempt from following his rules were sixth and seven years. But even then, Harry had smiled when Severus told him they normally kept the schedule, being used to it after five years.

The way Severus looked after his Slytherins made Harry feel a bit ashamed of his own Head of House. Minerva had never looked after them in the same way Severus did. She had never made sure they had regular sleep patterns or ate healthy meals, or that they had study sessions. Harry himself had been lucky to have Hermione, otherwise, his grades would've been even worse.

And Harry was sure Minerva had never known when there were fights amongst them. In fact, she didn't seem to know the extent to which he'd been ostracized by his own House in his second and fourth year.

That would've never happened in Slytherin. If there was a problem with one or several students, Severus was made aware of the problem. Then, he went to the common room to act as a mediator and have a chat with them, until the issue was sorted out. And it was always kept in the common room. No hard feelings were shown amongst the Slytherin House outside the dungeons; in front of the student body, they were one.

Severus was doing a great job as a Head of House, but sometimes, he needed to hear it too.

"Don't worry, Sev," Harry said, his hand travelling to his hair and playing with the strands. "She'll be fine, the other girls will make sure she's accompanied and will let her cry if she needs to. Besides, I'd bet she loved the fact that you tucked her in" he added in a jokingly manner.

Harry had never realized how much of a mother hen Severus could really be with the younger students, he had never seen it before they became friends. But now he knew this wasn't the first student he had tucked in bed, and she wasn't the first to draw comfort from him or dry her tears into his clean handkerchief.

"I hope so" Severus whispered, "I may have to write to the parents if she doesn't get better in a few days."

"She will be. She just misses them" Harry added. Then he leaned down and pressed a kiss on Severus's cheek "it's alright Sev, you're great as Head of House and I'm sure what you did will make her feel better. Now let her rest and see how she's doing in the morning."

Severus nodded and shifted a bit closer to Harry, so he had better access to his hair. It took only a few minutes for Severus to rest his side against Harry's, breathing slowly, almost purring. Harry smiled as he kept his ministrations on his hair, enjoying the calm and peace of their quarters.

"Will you wait for me?"

It had been months, but every Tuesday Severus asked that same question. And every Tuesday, Harry gave the same answer.

"Yes, I'll be waiting for you."

Harry knew Severus needed to make sure he wouldn't disappear into the night, he knew he was trying to keep his separation anxiety under control. Knowing Harry would be waiting for him made it easier to focus on the meeting ahead.

But it also warmed Harry's heart, the way Severus always asked. Consent had been important for both of them since the start of their relationship. Harry had realized early on that his voice had been suffocated, silenced; never being able to decide what he wanted for himself. Harry had set to right the wrongs and had always made sure to take Severus's wants into account. And the Potions Master had responded in kindness, always asking and making sure Harry was doing exactly what he wanted to.

Severus burrowed his face on Harry's neck, inhaling deeply for several moments. Harry held him, he seemed to be drawing strength from him, until he suddenly moved away. With a deep breath he ran a hand through his hair, trying to make it a bit tidy. Then he looked to his right, where Harry was observing him.

"I'll see you later" Harry whispered before he reached and kissed Severus's cheek. He felt him smiling, the skin of his cheek tugging upwards under his lips.

"I'll be back soon, I hope" and then, he was off.

Harry tried to not feel like the rooms were a lot colder and quieter without Severus in them and focused back on the papers he'd brought to grade. Tuesday nights were always lonely, but knowing they had a staff meeting the morning after, he tried to go to bed extra early. So, after about half an hour, he left the papers on the coffee table along with his quill and red ink and walked to the bathroom to prepare for bed.

The archway was next to him. He could hear the voices speaking, whispering, they sounded just like a siren's call, trying to distract him from his task. He looked away one second, and...

AVADA KEDAVRA!

He saw him flinch, and the next second, he was on the other side of the archway. He could see his eyes, brown and wide still for the surprise, his mouth held in an O before his body was taken away. He had disappeared, to a place Harry couldn't follow. He tried to jump, to go after him, but he felt his arms restrained.

"NOOOOOOO SIRIUS!"

He woke up with a jolt, not aware of where he was. Everything was dark, and he heard his own panting in the silence of the room. He felt the mad beating of his own heart ringing in his ears, his vision blurry even if he could barely see because of the darkness.

"Harry?"

There came a voice next to him, he wasn't alone. Then, a murmured voice cast a charm and the room gained light. He blinked, trying to swallow and get rid of the lump in his throat. He felt his hands violently shaking and closed them in fists, fighting against the urge to bring them to his mouth and bite them.

His chest hurt, and he felt an acute pain he could not describe. It had been a long time, but suddenly, he felt like that lost 15-year-old boy who'd lost his godfather and the only father figure he'd ever had.

"Harry it's alright" came that voice again, the voice he could not place.

But he couldn't concentrate on that voice. He tried very hard, but he felt out of control, completely and utterly lost. He closed his eyes shut and heard a moan, that later he realized it had been himself. The voice was trying to say something, but it sounded far, far away. He was surrounded by water and he was drowning, he kicked trying to get to the surface, to breathe, his lungs were getting constricted...

And then, a couple of hands grabbed his face, forcing him to look up. He opened his eyes in panic, trying to get away from whoever was trying to restrain him, but the hands didn't move.

"Harry listen to me. You need to calm down... it was a nightmare, nothing more" the voice said.

A... a nightmare?

With those words, the fog in his mind began to lift.

He blinked, trying to focus on his surroundings. He felt the cold hands on his cheeks, the long fingers lightly caressing the skin under his ears.

And then he saw them. Two pools of darkness, focused entirely on him, giving him warmth and safety. Harry's eyes started to distinguish a crooked nose and pale skin.

Severus.

He blinked, recognizing the Potions Master. But then, a huge jolt shook his entire body, and he realized to his utter horror that his magic was out of control. He could feel it pulsing through his veins, he felt it coming off of him in waves, menacing and threatening. He focused on those dark eyes, on that voice that was calling him back.

"That's it, Harry, very good... keep breathing, that's it..." Severus kept whispering, encouraging him.

After a few terrible moments, he felt his magic coming back to him, the waves retreating, the beast hiding. The moment the last speck of his energy had disappeared, he registered what had happened: the room had been set on fire. The wooden doors and wardrobe were burned to a crisp, the walls had gained a blackened colour for the fire.

Harry let out a loud yell as he jumped in bed, looking with wide eyes at the horror in front of him. What have I done?

"Hey, it's okay" Severus's deep voice came from his left "don't worry, I can get it all back to normal."

With a few flicks of his wand and murmured Reparo's, the room came back to its original state. The blackened rock returned to the previous state before being burnt, and the wardrobe and its contents were back to being intact.

"See? No harm done" Severus whispered, leaving his wand on the bedside table once again.

But Harry couldn't look at him.

That was what everyone feared of him, that was why nobody could ever accept him for what he was. A... freak! Not even in the wizarding world could he be normal, he had to have these outbursts of magic, these things that could kill anyone instantly.

Harry shook his head, trying to dispel his thoughts from his mind. But it only made him remember the dream, that horrid dream... but of course, it hadn't been a dream at all. It had been real.

"Hey, look at me" he heard the deep, silky voice calling him.

He looked to his side and saw Severus sitting on the bed, his legs open on either side of him.

"It's alright, Harry" he whispered "no need to worry, nothing happened."

"It could have..." he said, and Harry winced when he heard how his voice cracked. He cleared his throat. "I could've hurt you, I could've..."

"But you didn't" Severus answered, "come here..."

Harry watched as Severus opened his arms and beckoned him closer. He locked eyes with him, those dark pools that held so much emotion now. Harry was scared to look, to see that he had finally scared the last person in the world to be fearful of anything. But when he looked, he only saw warmth and understanding on those eyes, on those hard features he had come to adore.

Harry saw his open arms and warm expression, and could do little else but to give in; he had no strength left. His throat let out a pitiful sound as he let his body fall forward. The next second, he felt Severus's long and strong arms encircling him and pulling him in, and Harry buried his face on his chest.

Tears made an appearance on his eyes, and he closed them shut, choking back the sob that wanted to come out. But he couldn't, he didn't deserve to cry, not when... not when Sirius was...

"It's alright, Harry... let it all out..."

There it was, that voice again, encouraging him, coaxing him. And once one tear had escaped his eyes, the rest followed, and he could do nothing to stop them. He bit his lower lip so hard he felt the copper taste of blood in his tongue, but it was in vain. Once Harry had started to cry he knew it was impossible to contain it, and he began to sob in Severus's arms.

His chest felt constricted and his head fuzzy, he saw dozens of images with Sirius all speeding through his mind at once. He remembered his warm hugs, his beard and long hair caressing his neck. His brown chocolate eyes, looking at him with mirth, mirth that transformed into a haunted look when he was trapped inside Grimmauld Place. Even a decade after, he could remember his belly laugh, deep and low, and his hard, cold voice when he was angry. He saw all those images of Sirius, of his few shared memories with him, and he felt even worse for having so few before he'd passed away. He wanted more with him, he'd had him for so little time...

Harry's breathing was erratic, his cries cutting out the supply of oxygen, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He tried to take a ragged breath, and another sob escaped his throat. He grabbed Severus's nightshirt on his back, pulling and clutching at it as if his life depended on it.

"Shhhh that's it, I'm right here... let it all out..." the voice was whispering close to his ear.

Severus's heart was beating, calm and steady. Harry could hear it close to his ear, if he focused he could even feel it echo with each heartbeat. He heard him breathing, and he felt his torso expanding as he inhaled, and then coming back down as he exhaled. He could almost sense the oxygen travelling from his nose to his lungs. Unconsciously, he tried to match his own erratic breathing with Severus's, holding onto his nightclothes for dear life.

"It's alright, Harry. It's over, that was a nightmare" he heard him whisper.

"It wasn't..." he whispered, his voice breathy and low "it was... exactly as I remember it... the day I lost him."

Severus said nothing, but Harry felt his arms squeezing him a bit tighter. He gulped, letting seconds pass until his breathing was back to a normal pace. Then he cleared his throat.

"I have lost so many people... but Sirius is the one I regret the most. Because it was my fault."

"That's not true."

"Don't dare tell me it isn't true, Severus" Harry jumped, pushing Severus away so he could look at him in the eye, and he winced when he heard his voice. He took a breath to calm down, though his voice came out bitter "I know he left the safety of Grimmauld Place because of me, I failed at Occlumency... I did it. His death... is on me."

Severus was quiet for a long time, both sitting in front of each other, his head downcast. Harry was almost relieved when Severus said nothing because he knew it was his fault. He knew it in his bones, and it was one of the biggest regrets he would ever have.

But it seemed that Severus was only gathering his thoughts, for he spoke not long afterwards, his voice grave.

"I know you've heard this before, but remember who you're speaking to. I know precisely what it means to know, deep inside, that someone's death is on you."

Harry looked at him in silence, a question in his expression.

"Your parents" he answered, his voice full of emotion, his eyes glistening with unshed tears he wouldn't let roll down his cheeks. Harry saw the ghost of his mother run through his dark, sad eyes.

"It was me who told the Dark Lord about the Prophecy, who whispered it in his ear. And it was because of me that, ultimately, he marked you. He pointed his wand at them, at you, because of my mistake."

"That's not true, Sev," Harry said "Pettigrew betrayed them. You didn't wield the wand that killed them, and as soon as you knew he'd targeted us, he'd targeted her, you went to Dumbledore for help."

"But it's the same as you, isn't it?" Severus answered "if I'm not guilty of your parents' death, how are you guilty of Black's? You went for help. You told me as soon as you saw me, so I could alert the Order. And then you went to the Ministry, risking your life to try and save his."

"And for that, he died. For my stupidity, for my..."

"No," Severus said "he died because the moment he heard you were in danger he refused to sit around. He had to be there, he had to get you to safety."

Harry didn't answer, he only shook his head. He still couldn't shake this horrid feeling that, no matter how he looked at it, Sirius's death was on him.

His eyes were downcast, and he saw how Severus's long and slender fingers travelled towards his hands. They held them with extreme gentleness, his thumb gently drawing soothing circles on their back.

"I should've been more careful. We knew Voldemort was planting stuff in my head" Harry pretended not to notice the small wince Severus made at the name of his old master. "Trying to make things better, I made it worse."

Harry heard Severus sigh, and his voice went deeper.

"I know it feels that way, but take it from me. His death wasn't on you. He had a choice, we all did." Severus argued, "he could've waited at Headquarters while the others rescued you."

"He should have!" Harry screamed, closing his hands in fists.

"Why didn't you stay in the castle?" Severus asked. Harry opened his eyes wide and looked at Severus, shocked. But he went on "we always told you to stay put, to let the adults deal with things, but you never listened. Why did you go?"

"Because... because I had to!" Harry answered, feeling defensive. He took his hands away from Severus's delicate grip and moved back "why would you even... because I couldn't let Voldemort torture him, I couldn't let him die!"

"Precisely" Severus answered, his voice calm.

Then, Harry understood.

It all dawned on him, why he was feeling so angry, so enraged at himself and at Sirius for being so stupid to leave the safety of Grimmauld Place. Now he knew why.

"I... he did the same as I did," Harry said, and his voice sounded less offended now "I went to try and save him... and he tried to save me."

"Exactly. Now you get it" Severus said, his face unreadable.

Harry could see, through Severus's clenched teeth and blank expression, that seeing him become defensive had hurt him. He knew Severus wasn't doing it to make him angry or give him pain, his reaction had been visceral. But he didn't deserve it. If anything, he deserved the world of kindness, for being with him when nobody else was.

Harry offered his hands again, this time using his hands to cover Severus's. His thumb caressed the back of his hand, slowly. Then, he brought his hand to his lips, kissing it gently. That, more than anything, seemed to calm Severus a bit.

"I hate to make you remember this, Harry" Severus said, his voice sounding regretful and low "and I won't lie to you and say neither you nor I had no part in his demise. We both know that had we put more effort into Occlumency, it would've been different. But even then, blaming yourself for his death is one big jump. He decided to rescue you, and thus he decided his fate."

"Black wasn't prone to listening to anybody, but even he knew the risks involved. Same as Lupin, Moody, and everyone else who came to the Ministry that night" Severus continued "and he still decided to go. Exactly the same as you did. You can't blame him or yourself for trying to save the person you love."

It was the first time Severus had acknowledged Harry's feelings for Sirius without any hint of mocking or disdain towards the animagus. Harry snorted, and Severus raised an elegant eyebrow at him.

"Yes, even I could see your feelings for each other" Severus added, giving Harry a lopsided smile. "I had my own personal feud with him, for reasons entirely unrelated. But it does not mean I'm blind. And I know it's little comfort, trust me. I do. But while you did put yourself in danger that night, his death wasn't on you."

Harry nodded, gulping and brushing his tears away with his sleeve. Then, he felt Severus's slender and cold fingers gently moving his hands away and cupping his cheek.

Very delicately, almost as if he was afraid, Harry felt Severus's fingers wiping away the tears, erasing from his cheeks the wet trails they'd left behind. Harry closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath, feeling his chest a bit less constricted.

"And remember this, Harry. He didn't die in vain. You're still here and you're still alive because of what he did" Severus's voice came low and soft. "And I know that, wherever he is, he's looking at you from afar while he's with his best friend."

Harry's lips tugged upwards at those words.

"I like to imagine they're together again at last" Harry whispered with a small smile "waiting for me to join them."

"Oh, of course they are, nothing can separate them, not even Death herself," Severus said with a smirk.

Then, Severus wrapped his arms around Harry and pressed him against his chest, this time a bit more calmly. Harry breathed deeply, inhaling Severus's honey scent, and letting his smell bring him to a place of peace.

"But I'm afraid they'll be waiting a long time for you," Severus said "I won't let you go so soon..."

Harry's smile grew wider at those words and let himself be wrapped up in the comfort and safety of Severus's arms. He had often been the one offering comfort to him, offering him safety in his arms. So much so, that it still surprised him when he realized how safe he felt in Severus's arms. And for a second, for a split second, his mind conjured an image of him old and weak, still in the same arms, and surrounded by the same feeling of safety as he was feeling now. He gulped and burrowed his face further in his nightclothes, closing his eyes as he felt them heavy.

"I'm sorry, Sev," Harry said after a while, his voice down as he didn't want to disturb the peace and silence of the room "I'm sorry if I scared you."

"Why? Your outburst of magic?" Severus asked, Harry nodded.

"Most people are scared when I lose control" Harry admitted, "my magic is tied to my emotions, more than with other people I know..."

"This only confirms what we already knew, Harry. That you're the most powerful wizard of our time" Severus said. Then, he lowered his head so their foreheads would press together, and he whispered "I wasn't scared."

"You... weren't?"

"No" he answered "I can't explain it, but... I just knew you wouldn't hurt me."

Harry stayed silent, unable to speak.

In all the years since the war, every time he lost control of his emotions, things like that happened. He couldn't control it, he couldn't prevent it. And it felt as if he was going mad; as if he was slowly losing the last threads of mental sanity he had.

"How long has this been happening?" Severus asked.

"It began a bit after the war" Harry answered "I... began having these outbursts when I lost my temper or had powerful and sudden emotions running through me. Like accidental magic, but worse."

Severus stayed silent for a long time. Then, he pushed Harry away a few inches to be able to look at him in the eye.

"Would you allow me to look into it?"

"Do you want to see it again?" Harry said, his eyes opening wide in shock.

"I do," Severus said "it's obvious that it bothers you, and we may find a way to keep it under control. But to say so for certain, I need more data first. Will you allow it?"

"I'll think about it," Harry said "I don't want to put you in any danger, Severus, if I hurt you in any way, I..."

"You won't hurt me. And in any case, I can have defence mechanisms in place if it makes you feel better" Severus answered, "think about it, will you?"

Harry nodded, not convinced in the slightest. But he knew that, if there was anyone in the wizarding world who could give him a solution, that was the man sharing a bed with him. Even more than Dumbledore, Severus was the academic mind. The man who'd invented a dozen spells before his 17th birthday, who spent his leisure time writing articles for Potions journals. The man who experimented on potions and created new ones for pleasure. That was the man that could find a solution to his problem.

"What time is it?" Harry asked. He felt his body still exhausted, his mind adrift. He felt Severus fishing his wand and casting a tempus charm.

"A little over five" Severus whispered.

"Let's go back to sleep, it's still very early," Harry said, "sorry I disrupted you, I know you've been sleeping pretty well lately."

"I have had my sleep disrupted by you for almost two decades, Potter," Severus said with a smirk, his voice not sounding the least bit annoyed. "I can live with one more sleepless night."

Despite his words, Severus laid back in bed and opened his arms for Harry to rest against him. Harry did, resting half his body on Severus and his face on Severus's chest. He saw the man placing one arm behind his head, while the other wrapped around him protectively. Harry took a deep breath and closed his eyes, the scent of honey surrounding him and lulling him to sleep.

.

The morning after, they woke up late for their standards. They had a staff meeting, and they rushed to get out of bed and get dressed before they begrudgingly walked towards the staff room.

Harry felt sorry for disrupting Severus's sleep, he had woken up grumpy and had grumbled all the way to the staff room, sitting down on his seat with a scowl. Harry sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, feeling exhausted already, and he served a mug of coffee for each. The extra amount of caffeine was needed that day.

After the needlessly long meeting, all the teachers started to walk towards the Great Hall for breakfast. Harry sat down at his usual seat, with Severus by his side. He wasn't feeling very hungry, but he forced himself to eat at least enough to be able to teach until lunch.

The day went by slowly, and he had to concentrate hard to focus on the lessons. More than once he lost track of what he was saying, and on the last lesson of the day, he decided to switch things up and place the students to work in groups. The lack of sleep, along with the dreadful feeling that had settled in his stomach, didn't allow him to be even functional enough for a day of lessons.

It felt odd. The conversation with Severus had made him see that perhaps not all the blame was on himself. Sirius had indeed decided to follow the rest of the Order to the Ministry. But really, what choice had Harry given him? If it had been Ron, Hermione, Ginny or anyone else in Sirius's position. There wouldn't have been a choice. Not for him.

And there was something else. Something that despite having spent years thinking about the war and all its ramifications, he had never wanted to admit.

He hadn't mourned Sirius.

He'd mourned Dumbledore - although his death turned out to be a lie -, Fred, Remus and Tonks, Moody, and countless others. But Sirius... he had felt as though he had no right to cry, to mourn his death when he'd been the cause of it.

He didn't even have a place he could go to, a grave to let his tears fall and his pain be washed away. Sirius's body had disappeared, along with his presence, leaving a void impossible to fill for a fifteen-year-old kid. So much so, that the twenty-five-year-old man who was now standing in his place still had difficulty dealing with it.

"How did it go?" a voice asked next to him.

He was at the Great Hall, and Severus was taking a seat by his side, as he always did. His eyes were shallow and were looking at him with concern.

"Not too well" Harry answered in a whisper "I think the nightmare and lack of sleep caught up with me. I could barely focus..."

"Same as me, then," Severus said, nodding. Then he gestured the full plates in front of them "eat, come on. It'll make you feel better."

"I'm not that hungry, actually..." Harry started but was cut off when Severus grabbed a plate full of chicken wings and served a few onto the plate in front of him.

"I won't have you starve because of a nightmare. I know you've had your fair share of them, and you didn't starve then. You won't start now" Severus said rather brusquely, although Harry could see that he was only worried.

A tiny sense of warmth appeared in his chest. Perhaps his bedside manner wasn't the best, but Severus indeed worried about him. Despite everything, Harry found himself smiling.

"Okay, okay, I'll eat" he relented, looking at him and offering a sheepish smile "thank you, Sev."

Severus only scoffed and looked down, hiding his face behind his hair, but Harry saw the tip of his ears tinging with a light pink colour.

They ate slowly, conversing with the professors sitting next to them. Hagrid was asking Harry about the Weasley's, he wanted to see Charlie for a creature he was in the process of getting and needed his advice.

"I hope it's not a dragon, the last one was more than enough, Hagrid," Severus said when he happened to listen in on their conversation.

"No, Norbert is quite 'appy in the colony, Charlie brings me news every now and then" Hagrid answered with a huge smile hidden behind his bushy beard.

"You know about Norbert?" Harry asked, turning to Severus with a raised eyebrow. He nodded.

"Hagrid told us about it after Charlie had come to retrieve it" Severus answered, "he gave up after he spent a week weeping around the corridors."

"I wasn't weeping, Snape!" Hagrid complained, but when Severus locked eyes with Harry he saw him winking.

"You essentially spent a week roaming the halls like a lost soul" Severus continued "but it's fine, Hagrid, we all have our weak spots. It just happens that yours is horrifying beasts. Or do you think I've forgotten about Fluffy?"

At those words Hagrid burst out laughing, tears of mirth falling down his cheeks to his beard.

"Oh, Fluffy!" Hagrid said with a huge smile when he finally had gathered his composure "I told ye, ye 'ad to calm him down first, Snape, ye can 'ardly blame me!"

"No, only your absurd fascination for feral beasts. But of course, the bigger the better, is it not?" Severus said, but his lips were tugged upwards.

"Ye know, ye never said a truer word, Snape," he said, still with a smile on his face and his eyes sparkling.

Harry only smiled widely at the banter between Severus and Hagrid.

Severus had been Headmaster for probably one of the darkest years Hogwarts had ever seen and had had all his old colleagues against him. Harry still trembled to imagine the agony and fear in Severus that year. He couldn't even begin to fathom how he must've felt trudging through the castle halls, always looking behind his back in case one of his former friends attacked him.

However, the moment they learnt it had all been a ploy between Dumbledore and Severus, they returned to their original selves. Minerva had gone back to her friendship slash rivalry with Severus, and Hagrid always welcomed his words. Even if they were mild jokes, they both knew they were done at nobody's expense and definitely, not with malice.

Harry smiled. At the beginning of the year, it seemed that Severus was completely alone. But after months sharing his life with him, he could see that there were plenty of people who cared about him and appreciated him. Severus wasn't alone. He just needed to see it, when the world was so dark he couldn't see.

After dinner, both Harry and Severus walked to the dungeons, Harry feeling colder the lower they went. Once inside Severus's quarters, he finally breathed deeply, taking off his robes and walking straight to the roaring fire. He heard Severus scoff.

"You need warmer clothes, Harry," he said as he walked to the sofa, grabbed a patterned blanket and draped it over his shoulders. Harry shivered as he brought it closer around him.

"Thanks" he whispered, Severus nodded as he too stood in front of the fire, getting warm.

Once they were sufficiently warm they sat down on the sofa, the blanket covering their legs as Severus conjured a teapot and two cups. They drank slowly and in silence, only the crackle of the fire could be heard.

"Is there anything I can do, Harry?" Severus asked in the silence of the room.

Harry turned to him with his eyes narrowed and a very obvious question probably plastered on his face.

"About Black," Severus said "you've helped me deal with my issues, but you also went through a great deal yourself. I'd like to help you."

Harry left his cuppa on the coffee table and wrapped himself in Severus's arms, who gladly let him rest his head against his chest. He inhaled deeply, Severus still smelled of potions ingredients, but the smell of his honey-scented shampoo lingered on him.

"I know there are many things I haven't dealt with," Harry said. "And it feels somewhat dishonest to be helping you deal with your issues when I haven't done my own part with mine. But I think the conversation this morning helped me see it a different way."

"It did?"

"Yeah" Harry answered, nodding into Severus's chest. "I still think it was because of my own foolishness that Sirius went to the Ministry after me, I gave him no choice. But... he had been in plenty of Order missions on the first war, and the others had been on plenty of missions, and a lot of them survived."

"And a lot of them died."

"They did" Harry answered, "what I mean to say is... he went to rescue me, aware of the dangers, but none of us could know he would get killed that night."

"You really couldn't" Severus answered "I can tell you for a fact that Bellatrix was one madwoman, not even the Dark Lord could foresee what she would do. He was most pleased when he learnt what she'd done, though."

"I bet he was," Harry said bitterly.

"It's okay to miss him, Harry. And it's okay to be angry about it" Severus said "but take it from me. Anger will get you nowhere."

"I know," Harry said, "it's just so hard..."

"It is" Severus answered.

They both fell silent after that, sipping their tea and letting the minutes pass.

A bit later, Severus suddenly jumped out of the sofa. Harry grumbled at his sudden movement.

"We need a pick-me-up, and I think I have the solution," Severus said as he extended his hand "what do you think of going to Diagon Alley and visiting Rosie?"

"You want me to meet Rosie today? Right now?"

"Yes, why not?" Severus answered "it's evening already, she will be home, and you said you wanted to meet her. Or is that no longer the case?"

Harry couldn't help but notice the subtle way Severus asked the question. But Harry, already adept at reading him, saw straight through his apparent nonchalant question.

"Of course I do" Harry answered as he grabbed Severus's extended hand and got up from the sofa "it's just that... I'm not mentally ready."

"You don't need to be" Severus smiled "you'll love her, you'll see..."

They both put on their robes and walked to the fireplace. Walking outside the apparition wards was out of the question on such a cold day.

"I'll go first," Severus said with a smirk and a wink.

He extinguished the flames on the fireplace and making sure he wouldn't burn his feet, he entered. Then, he took a handful of floo powder. Harry took a step back and watched him scream "ROSIE BUCHANAN'S HOUSE, DIAGON ALLEY!" and he disappeared into a swirl of green flames.

Harry sighed. He knew Rosie was important to Severus, and he wanted to give a good first impression. But given his physical and mental state, he had no idea whether he would make it.

He shook his head and trying to dispel his thoughts, he entered the fireplace. He took a handful of floo powder and shouted the same Severus had, and closed his eyes, feeling his head spinning. Gods, he hated travelling by floo.

When he opened his eyes and blinked, coughing and sputtering soot, he heard a warm laugh.

"I know, lad, some of us never get used to travelling by floo," said a feminine voice.

When Harry could focus his eyes, he saw that he was in a quite bare but cosy living room. There were a couple of sofas in front of the fireplace where he'd come through, and a table with a few chairs at the far end of the room. Hundreds of paintings hung from the walls. Harry saw it was a feeble attempt at covering an ancient-looking wallpaper that had been scratched and torn off in places even. The entire room had a run-down feel to it.

The fire started to roar behind him, and Harry jumped, distracted momentarily. And then, his eyes fell on the quite plump woman in front of him. Severus was behind her, watching them with rapture eyes.

Rosie had grey and curly hair, much like Pomona Sprout had when it wasn't covered in dirt. Her eyes were dark brown and looked almost black with only the light of the fire illuminating the room. Her face was round and her smile was wide and warm, showing her slightly crooked teeth. Her most prominent feature was her nose, which was aquiline, a much sharp feature in her otherwise rounded face.

The clothes she was wearing were old-looking and torn in places, it was obvious the apothecary barely gave her money to sustain herself. But she didn't seem too bothered about that.

"Well, well, well, Severus, if it isn't the man in the flesh," Rosie said with a smug smile.

"Harry Potter, ma'am," Harry said as he took a step closer and offered his hand "pleasure to meet you."

"Oh, don't start with the pleasantries. I've got enough with Severus to last for a lifetime" Rosie said, although she accepted his offered hand "come here and let me see you."

Harry smiled as he took another step, stopping right in front of her. She fixed her eyes on him and he felt somewhat small under her scrutiny. Her gaze felt a lot like Severus's; when sometimes Harry could even swear he was reading into his very soul. Her piercing gaze was taking everything in, looking intensely at him, and he unconsciously gulped.

"I like this one, Severus," she said with a wide smile at last. Then she turned around "although I would've never guessed the man who'd given you so much happiness was Potter himself. I heard you complain about him for decades!"

"I see him differently now," Severus said with a sheepish smile.

"Come come, let's sit down and get some tea. My poor legs can't hold me much longer" she said as she let her body fall backwards on the sofa she had behind her.

Only then did Harry realize she had been using a cane as a support while she'd been standing.

"Oh god, I'm sorry, I hadn't realized..." he started but was cut off by Rosie, who put up a hand.

"It's alright lad, no need to worry," Rosie said "Severus? If you please."

Severus nodded and took out his wand from his inner pocket. He murmured an Accio and a teapot and three cups levitated through the corridor, presumably from the kitchen. Harry noted that Rosie didn't seem to have a wand on herself. Was she a squib? Or perhaps she'd lost her magic due to her age or injury? Harry wondered.

The next minutes Severus served tea for all three, serving each to their taste before he passed the cup along. Harry saw him adding a splash of milk and sugar for him, and dropping a single lump of sugar with no milk for Rosie. He smiled, he always liked when Severus took notice of such simple things as how one liked their tea.

But he couldn't be calm, not completely.

"So, Harry, tell me" Rosie started, taking a sip of her tea and sitting a bit better on the sofa "how did this between Severus and you begin?"

"Well, it sort of... started out of nowhere, really," Harry said. He glanced at Severus quickly and saw him nodding once.

"Do you remember, years ago, a conversation we had about how much of a kid I really am, Rosie?" he intervened. Rosie turned to him and nodded. "Well, I... I decided to try that. At some moments, at least. Harry looks after me."

"You finally gave in to your feelings..." Rosie said with a dreamy voice. And then she smiled and leaned over, one of her hands resting on Severus's forearm "I'm glad you did, Severus. You'd been battling with that for years."

"Forever, more precisely" he added, and his voice sounded a bit bitter.

"But you found someone to look after you," Rosie said, and Harry felt her eyes fixed on him again "tell me, Harry, how did you even manage to convince him?"

"I didn't, actually," Harry said "I found him one day, and my instincts took over. Then, we began trying, using his little time to deal with his issues."

"Well, I'm glad he has you," Rosie said, her smile widening "Merlin knows how much Severus needed someone, and I can clearly see his change already."

"I think we all can" Harry answered with a smile. He saw Severus getting flustered and looking down, focusing his gaze on his teacup, and Harry giggled "although he's as shy as he's ever been."

"I'm not shy" Severus muttered, although Harry could see a smile tugging on his lips.

"Yes, you are, my dear" Rosie said "when it comes to things of the heart, you've always been shy. But that's actually an endearing part of you."

Rosie spoke such truths, such beautiful and warm words to Severus, and didn't care that they got Severus flustered. It made Harry feel a warmth spread in his chest. He smiled as he saw them banter, Rosie mothering him and complaining he was much too thin and had bags under his eyes. She asked him to conjure some biscuits to munch into.

"We ate dinner not long ago, I'm not hungry" Severus complained, although Harry noticed how he used his wand to conjure a plate of biscuits. His smile widened.

"Take a few yourself, Harry, you're also too thin!" Rosie exclaimed, "how did you even manage to destroy that snake-face without a pound of fat in you is beyond me, did no one ever feed you?"

"I've always been thin, Rosie, it has nothing to do with how much I eat," Harry said as he laughed.

He realized Rosie reminded him a lot of Molly Weasley, although Rosie used more foul language than Mrs Weasley ever had. And he had never heard of anyone talking about Voldemort as snake-face!

"Well, you're not going to leave this house without putting some fat into you, I can guarantee you that," she said.

Harry purposefully avoided telling her that yes, he was thin, but he was also quite powerful. He wasn't the muscly sort like Ron or Charlie Weasley were, but he was quite lean and liked to keep in shape. He only grabbed a handful of biscuits and started to munch.

"So, Severus, this is a very nice surprise but you obviously needed me tonight," Rosie said after a few biscuits had been eaten "tell me so I can help."

Harry gulped audibly.

"It's not that, not exactly," Severus said "we... had a rough night tonight, and were feeling quite gloomy. I thought that visiting you was the best thing to raise our spirits."

"A rough night, hm?" Rosie repeated, her expression thoughtful.

"It was my fault, Rosie" Harry interrupted. He felt her eyes on him "I had a nightmare, last night... about someone I lost. And it disturbed both of us."

"Who might that be, may I ask?"

"Sirius Black," Harry said, with a bit of hesitation.

"Oh right... he was your godfather, wasn't he?" Rosie asked, he nodded. As perceptive as Severus was, she seemed to know what Harry was thinking. "Don't worry my ear, I never believed the bullshit The Daily Prophet wrote about him for a second."

Shocked at her words, he took a big gulp of the already lukewarm tea, feeling his mouth suddenly dry.

Rosie was silent for a while, her eyes focusing on the dancing flames of the fire.

"I won't try to tell you how to deal with grief, everyone deals with it differently," Rosie said finally "what I can say is... try to deal with it. Don't run from it, don't hide, don't deflect or use other stuff to avoid it."

"How?" Harry asked, his voice strangled "I haven't even... cried for him. Not for a decade."

"And that, as Severus knows, is a huge mistake," Rosie said "I don't know the exact particulars. But go to a special place for you, one that reminds you of him. It doesn't have to be his grave, it can be any place you felt connected to him. And let that anger, confusion and sadness wash over you. Don't fight it."

Harry saw then, out of the corner of his eye, Severus standing up from his seat on the other sofa. He walked towards him and sat down next to him, grabbing his hand.

"Much like what we did at Godric's Hollow" Severus whispered, taking his hand and bringing it to his lips. He kissed it, gently and delicately, and Harry felt tears in his ears at the sudden and loving gesture "you need to grieve, Harry. You need to let it all go."

He nodded, not trusting his own voice. And even then, he really had no idea what to say. He felt emotion overwhelm him, and clutched at Severus's hands, asking him in silence to not let go. But Severus never did.

"And one day, you'll be able to remember him without being sad or angry that he isn't here" Rosie whispered. "One day, you'll be able to remember the good moments you had, and the bad moments won't tarnish your good memories."

Harry nodded. How this person, a complete stranger, had given him the words he desperately needed, he couldn't say. But, looking inward, he felt better. He had a purpose, a goal, and he would do it.

Sirius deserved it, he deserved to be remembered as the man he'd been. Full of contradictions, but also full of love for Harry until the end. He had difficulty conciliating the man he remembered with the man who hurt Severus to such extremes. And a part of him hated Sirius, for giving the Potions Master so much pain, even in his adulthood. He could understand the anger and resentment between them. But even then, a part of him also loved and missed him, missed the life he could've had but didn't, missed giving the man the freedom he'd longed for. Perhaps, admitting those feelings was the first step.

"Thank you, Rosie. As always, you're most helpful" Severus whispered after a while, though Harry pretended not to hear him. He had forgotten they were even there, so focused on his own thoughts.

"Let me help you a bit around the house" he heard Severus offer.

With a movement of his wand, the dust and general dirt of the house began to lift. Much as Harry had seen Severus doing in her apothecary, the room recovered its original colour. The surfaces became spotless, the dust disappeared, and the room smelled clean.

"Ah, thank you, Severus," she said with a smile "and please, do come by soon, okay?"

"We will" Severus answered, offering Harry his hand, which he took, and they both got up from the sofa.

"I'm so glad to see you both happy" Rosie said, looking from one to the other, her eyes glistening "you certainly deserve it. Both of you. And Harry, it's been a pleasure. Please, look after Severus."

"Likewise, Rosie," Harry said, offering his hand "and don't worry, I will look after him."

With one last smile, they went to the fireplace, lowering their heads to fit on the cramped space.

"See you soon, Rosie," Severus said. Before they left, Severus grabbed one of Rosie's hands, and kissed it, slowly and gently. Rosie laughed, and Harry smiled at hearing the woman's deep laugh resonate in the room.

"As gentleman as always, Severus" she whispered, although it was obvious she enjoyed his attentions "do come to visit soon."

Harry waved with his hand and closed his eyes as he grabbed Severus's arm. A split second later he shouted "SEVERUS SNAPE'S QUARTERS, HOGWARTS" and they both disappeared into a swirl of green flames.

AND THAT'S IT for this week!

Wooooo so we finally see that Harry also has things he has to deal with!

AND Harry met Rosie! What did you think of this character? If I'm honest I didn't plan on creating an original character, she just came to me while I was writing, and decided that she was needed. She will have a role to play later on in the story! Any guesses as to why she'll be needed?

As always, thanks for coming back, reading and commenting. I so enjoy reading your wishes, thoughts and suggestions for future chapters. Some of you have even ventured to guess what their relationship will be like, since I have been hinting at a change in their status. We will have to wait and see where this leads us.

And of course, anything you wish me to add or want me to take into account, let me know in the comments! Your questions and suggestions are always welcome.

Have a nice week, be safe!