Almost done with the semester :D
I feel like this format is probably better for going through what went down (it was a lot, and not all of it needed to be written out). So chunks of italics (and also past tense) are flashbacks, everything else is present time.
Fair warning, I don't plan on being very nice to anyone in this chapter... ;P
I put you on a pedestal, gave you so far to fall - My Version of You (Beth Crowley)
o0o0o
The potion gleams like liquid ruby under the light of the candle as Karma rolls the crystal vial in her fingers absently, seated on the edge of her bed. Outside, Arun is still bustling with activity, despite the late (or early) hour; it wasn't hard to find an NPC vendor to restock her potion supply on the way to the inn. They'd only just arrived at the city of the World Tree barely half an hour ago, and some rest has long since been in order.
It's been a long day.
"That wasn't entirely necessary," comes the quiet reprimand.
"You were the one who told me it might be."
He sighs. "Well, here I thought you were capable of being tactful."
Rolling the HP vial along the backs of her fingers, she hears herself say, "No lasting damage was done. And it was his fault for choosing the wrong side."
Heathcliff leans back against the windowsill, arms crossed; he's blocking the view of the diamond-encrusted sky, but his eyes glitter with a hard iciness that mimics the stars.
"I thought you were better than that," he accuses.
She lifts her gaze to meet his, looking up at him challengingly.
"I thought you knew me better than that," she retorts, but he refuses to balk.
"So did I," he agrees softly. "From the moment we met, I was drawn to you. You had so much passion, so much life, and each time you took a life, you never treated them as anything less than people. Do you care at all for those that you're hurting now?"
There's something real in every word, and her hands curl into fists between her knees, the curved edges of the crystal vial digging into her skin. Of course the first sign of something real from him is disappointment. "As if you-"
"-have any room to speak, I know," he snaps with surprising vehemence. "That is why I am saying this. Because that's how I acted, and the last thing I want is to see you become like me—indifferent to consequences because you think they can't touch you."
Leaning forward to brace her elbows against her knees, she lets her gaze drop to the floor, her head rolling to the side listlessly.
"It's too late for that. The consequences you're so worried about? They've already happened." She shakes her head. "See, you made the wrong choice, because you always had something to lose. You just didn't think it mattered until it was too late." Peering up at him through loose strands of hair, she blinks slowly, tone flat and dismissive. "But for me? What else do I have left?"
Slowly, he shakes his head in defeat. "Then what am I?"
She shrugs. "Whatever I want you to be." Fingers laced together between her knees, she huffs out a tiny chuckle. "Although after all this time, I still don't really know what I want you to be. Never really thought indecisiveness was such a big flaw of mine, after every choice I've made…" And each was worse than the last, so maybe indecisiveness isn't such a bad thing, on second thought.
Her ghost of a smile twists into a grimace as she mutters, "But more and more often, I find myself wishing you really were only what I first feared you might be—just a figment of my imagination."
"Even after what I've done for your sake?" he murmurs aloud.
His tone is not really one of challenge, just weary contemplation. She draws her knees up and wraps her arms around her legs, curling into herself.
Funny how it is; as he becomes more expressive, she becomes more impassive.
"...Siblings?"
How they'd managed to come this far without recognizing some kind of speech or action pattern, some kind of familiarity, was baffling to Karma. Even if Heathcliff was in the midst of a crowd, with a different face and a different build and different clothes, she felt confident in saying that she would be able to spot him in an instant, and that he would be able to do the same for her. So much had changed between them, but even so.
Kirito reached out a hesitant hand, looking as lost and shocked as Leafa, who recoiled, tears pouring down her face; pain flashed across the boy's face. Karma wondered what Heathcliff felt as she threw everything away to kill him, everything including her life, or if he felt anything at all.
Maybe he was getting to her, but she was starting to think that maybe, just maybe-
Distant sympathy twinged slightly in her heart as she watched disbelief, shock, anger, betrayal flash over the Sylph's face in rapid succession before landing on gut-wrenching heartbreak. Karma knew all too well how it felt to have her world become unmade.
"Did you know they were related?" she mumbles into her knees, mostly out of curiosity.
At the sudden change of topic, Heathcliff raises an eyebrow. "I was aware of it, yes. Does it matter?"
Karma holds up the HP vial to her eye between her thumb and index, tinting him red and splitting his form into so many refracted fragments in the carved glass.
"Not anymore, I guess." Breathing out a sigh through her nose, she remarks, "She put up a fight."
"She's been training in kendo since she was a child. I looked it up."
"Ah."
That explains why Leafa, with the comfort of guidelines and boundaries ingrained in her since the moment she picked up a weapon, couldn't beat Karma.
"...'No'? What do you mean, 'no'?"
Kirito glanced between the two of them, seeming to waver for a moment, and for that moment, Karma hoped sincerely that he would change his mind, and that the hand inching towards her sword wouldn't have to draw.
Then he squared his shoulders, and it was like they were in Aincrad again, with something worth giving everything to defend.
"I won't abandon my sister," he said with crystal clarity. "I won't choose between them like that."
Karma couldn't help a growl slipping past clenched teeth, her frustration driving her dangerously close to doing something she wouldn't be able to take back. "You'll never get through life if you don't sacrifice some things! You have to choose what truly matters to you, and stand by it. Are you really prepared to decide that she's more important than Asuna is?"
Leafa flinched visibly, and Kirito narrowed his eyes, clearly starting to get frustrated as well. "Don't say it like that! We'll find another way-"
"In five days?" she demanded, taking a step forward. "I'm not letting her stay here a moment longer than needed. She would do the same for you!"
"She wouldn't bully and trample over everyone in her way or betray her family in order to do it!"
Karma gritted her teeth, feeling the anger and desperation and the longing tumbling together in her chest, seeping away all of the empathy she might've once had for those people she was stepping on. Perhaps there was another way, but this was the most direct one, the one with the highest probability of succeeding, and if she had the strength to blaze her way through, then she'd be damned if she didn't use it.
She'd had enough of being powerless.
"Fine," she snapped curtly. "I can't say I don't understand feeling the need to uphold a promise. I don't make them lightly or often, but the ones I do, I never break."
Leafa relaxed slightly at the seemingly conciliatory statement. Kirito did not.
"If you don't want to break your promise to her," she said, her gaze flickering to Kirito as her hand slowly uncurls from a fist to grasp her sword, "then I'll break it for you."
"I still think you could've beaten her without the psychological warfare," Heathcliff adds.
Karma cuts her gaze at him, annoyed. "I still think it's none of your business."
For the most part, the fight was one on one between her and Leafa, with Kirito's stats way beneath the caliber of theirs, though he did his best to get in Karma's way, enough for Leafa to land attacks that she wouldn't have otherwise. Unburdened by clumsy teammates and encouraged by her brother's support, Leafa made a fearsome enemy—so far, to the best of Karma's knowledge, none of her foes had ever had a lifetime of formal training. Excluding Heathcliff, Asuna, and Kirito himself, Leafa was one of the most technically impressive individual combatants Karma had ever met.
Heathcliff wasn't exaggerating; she probably could've beaten Leafa in a straight fight, if not a clean one. But there was too much on the line. It was the perfect and best moment to get Kirito's cooperation and also get rid of Leafa in the same move, and she doubted she'd have another chance. Thus, she took no risks, and made the most out of every single tool, literal and figurative, that she had at her disposal.
Given that they all knew the truth, it was almost too easy.
Dancing back on the defensive to prepare her next attack, Karma let herself lose ground and a few HP points in the process.
"You know who she is, don't you? You know why he cares for her, don't you?" Karma demanded as she ignored a line of red slashing across her shoulder, whirling away. "What's more important—a bunch of numbers and shiny trinkets and the virtual territory of your internet friends, or the happiness of your own family? Do you really want to be the reason why your brother loses the partner he loves so much?"
As Leafa missed a step, stricken, Karma lunged, and the Sylph cried out as Karma's blade bit into her side. The next moment, a blur of black cannoned into Karma's side.
"Don't you dare use me against her!" Kirito shouted, but she just shoved him aside, sending him sprawling in the dust.
"You stay out of this," she hissed as Leafa hurriedly chanted a healing spell in the background. "I'll deal with you after I get rid of your sister!"
Pivoting just in time to meet Leafa's resumed attack, she could tell she'd gotten under the Sylph's skin; her attacks didn't carry the same impetus, her movements suddenly meek and hesitant, her gaze repeatedly flickering in anguish to Kirito.
Letting Leafa's blade slide with a horrendous screech down her own sword, Karma slammed her shoulder into Leafa, throwing her back before sweeping her sword in a wide arc at her neck-
CLANG!
Snarling, Kirito twisted his blade with both hands to force hers out of position before lunging, leaving a laceration that would've done some serious damage had his stats been higher. Parrying his next attack, she kicked him away as hard as she could.
"Kirito-kun!" Leafa exclaimed, but she'd barely taken a step in his direction before Karma's blade slammed into hers.
"Still defending yourself?" Karma demanded, continuing the offensive. "Selfish girl—at this rate, there's no way either of you can save Asuna yourselves."
Leafa cried out as Karma's blade stabbed into her thigh, her stance buckling, and Karma pressed the momentum, physically and verbally.
"Keep fighting, and ask yourself how you're ever going to be able to make it up to your brother for putting yourself first," she sneered, mixing martial arts into her swordplay. Leafa staggered when Karma backhanded her across the face. "If I were you, I'd be too disgusted with myself to even look in the mirror again!"
Talking and fighting at the same time shouldn't have been easy, but the motions of combat were something she barely needed to think about anymore, and apparently throwing spiteful words was starting to become second nature to her too.
Kirito rushed back into the fray, scrabbling to gain the slightest bit of ground against her.
"Projecting much?" he spat in her face; she recoiled at his accusation, foot sliding back a half step. "You're the one who chose this world over your real family! You're the one who won't even try to make it up to them! You're the one who should be ashamed of yourself for-"
"I KNOW!"
Letting out a furious roar, Karma slammed her hand into his throat to knock him back, and he hit the ground on his knees, hacking and coughing. Her muscles tensed as she raised her sword, her body already prepared to lunge-
Leafa's anguished cry of her brother's name wrenched Karma out of her stupor; off balance, Karma stumbled forward a half step awkwardly. Standing there, gasping for breath, she trembled from the exertion—not from the fight out there, but from the fight inside to withhold herself from eviscerating Kirito. Karma felt a very familiar sensation begin to overtake her, the same as when she fought Clover in that alley; once all else had been snuffed out, there was only anger left.
Leafa stiffened as Karma's head swung to pin her down with a ruthless glare; for the first time today, fear sparked in those green eyes as she unconsciously shuffled a half step back, and in a twisted way, Karma felt gratified.
"Unfortunately," she hissed, "I want your brother alive, even though I also really want to run him through with a sword right now. So I guess you'll have to do instead."
With a huff, Karma stretches her legs out briefly; her virtual muscles never tire, per se, but she can feel some sort of exhaustion making her body heavy. Even her avatar can simulate the need for sleep, but the guilt churning in her gut makes that impossible.
Taking her anger out on people in the real world, in the end, made her feel so much worse afterwards when she realized the extent of the damage she'd done. Anger pushed her to cripple Clover, probably for life. Anger pushed her to disregard and hurt Megu's feelings no matter the latter's intentions.
But that all happened in the real world. This was only a virtual world with no real consequences, is what she'd thought. These lives ultimately didn't mean anything no matter how much value their owners placed on them, is what she'd thought.
Maybe she'd made herself conveniently forget how she treated him when she found out, letting her anger and hatred drive her to oblivion.
Why can't she think anymore? Every choice she's made after Aincrad ended, it's like all the other variables are out of sight, out of mind once her emotions cloud them from her awareness, and she only ever remembers once it's too late to matter.
"When you love, you love recklessly, with all your heart. And I was so jealous."
Lifting her head, she catches a split second glimpse of the look on Heathcliff's face, and she bares her teeth in a wide grin at him.
"Well? How about it?" she mocks. "Still envious? The so-called passion that you admired about me—it's a double-edged sword, you know."
He stands frozen like a statue. "I didn't know," he admits finally, "that you could be…"
"So vindictive?" she says for him what he didn't want to say. "I was in Aincrad too sometimes, you know. The Laughing Coffin raid?" A laugh slips through her teeth as she jabs the potion vial at him in accusation. "Who knew? Maybe you'd idolized me just as I'd idolized you. Did you get lonely, up on that pedestal I put you on?"
And now, those pedestals have long since crumbled and fallen to dust, and it's all his fault.
He regards her with a long, tired look. "Is that why?" he whispers. "Is that why you did all of this the way you did? For the sake of changing the way I see you? Oh, I know you want to save Asuna—I never doubted that for a second. And I don't doubt that this is the fastest, surest way to her either." He holds her gaze, unyielding. "But you know you pushed harder than you had to. You know you didn't have to be so cruel. And I know I'm still right—cruelty is not quite inherent to your nature. So I wondered why."
Shaking his head, he muses aloud, "I must admit, though, I don't quite understand. After all…" His gaze inexplicably softens when he looks at her. "I could never think of you as a monster, no matter what you do."
Her expression stiffens like a caricature as her breath hitches in her chest. Stuck painfully in her throat, the words "I don't care" refuse to budge—in no world have they ever been true, no matter how many times she's wished they could be.
A sad little smile tugs at his lips as she chokes on the lies she can't hide behind.
"Is that it, then?" he murmurs. "Are you trying to teach me regret, by corrupting what I respected most about you? Is that what this is?"
Her mouth opens to deny the accusation; no sound comes out, and her breath flees her lungs in nothing more than a soft exhale. Even now, she remains stubbornly incapable of lying to him.
"I don't regret my choices," he said, standing on top of the world with her. "I don't wish I could take them back," he said, as Aincrad fell to pieces.
The ball of her thumb presses hard against a sharp corner of the potion vial. Her hand remembers the fleeing texture of his cloak as he walked away, tugging the fabric from her paralyzed fingers as if it were nothing. As if the past two years were nothing. As if leaving her behind—casting aside how she'd fought and cried and murdered and nearly died for him a thousand times over, and survived it all for him—cost him nothing.
Is it too much to ask for him to admit he made a mistake when he left her? Maybe it is. After all, everything else with him has been, in the end, just a hopeless endeavor, shouting into the void, from day one.
But even so, she can't stop trying, because she refuses to believe that it is too much to ask for her to be able to do something that means something for once in her life.
"Blame your brother," she told Leafa before beheading her.
An enraged roar gave her plenty of warning as she smoothly spun to block a full swing from Kirito.
"That was my sister!" he seethed.
"And it's my sister you don't seem to want to save!" she retorted.
Summoning his wings, he darted away low to the ground, forcing her to pivot in place to keep up. His lips were moving, golden words flying into place, and she lunged a second too slow as plumes of dark, opaque smoke erupted from the sigil—a basic illusion spell, but an annoying one nonetheless.
Straining her remaining senses, Karma forced herself to breathe, keeping her body loose and relaxed. Like her, Kirito hadn't hesitated to capitalize on one of the new combat mechanics at his disposal.
A metallic whirr sounded from behind; a bell-like CLANG rang out as she slashed at his sword flying at her-
He charged into her in a full-body tackle, hands closing around her throat as they tumbled to the ground. The impact sent her sword skittering away on the ground as he locked her into a choke hold faster than she could react; martial arts had never really been her strong suit.
Her HP bar, already lower than she'd expected from the fight with Leafa, began to drop. Unlike Clover, Kirito knew what he was doing; for a second, she was back in that alley, freezing and hurt and scared-
Nausea heaved in her stomach as rage burned in the heartbeat pounding in her ears; never again, it was she who had the power here, and she would never let it go again.
"Kill me here," she gasped out, baring her teeth in grim confidence, "and you'll be so much farther from Asuna than you are right now."
His grip slackened, his body jerking back reflexively, and she drove her elbow into his stomach immediately. Before he could fly out of reach, she grabbed him by the jacket, surging to her feet and slamming him face-first into the ground. A strangled cry was muffled in the dirt as she held him down with a fistful of the back of his jacket. Even then, one hand strained to reach for the flickering green remain light as it winked out before their eyes.
"Leafa is gone," she rasped coldly. "She's back in Sylvain, and with what I just did to the Sylphs, I doubt she'll be able to make it all the way back here anytime soon. I don't know what you promised her, and it doesn't matter either. Apologize later if you want to. She's gone, and now you have no obligation other than what you originally came to this world for—to save Asuna. You have no reason to not come with me."
She let him break away from her, and he staggered away, shoulders hunched like a caged animal. "What is wrong with you?!" he snarled only half-rhetorically. "You weren't like this in Aincrad!"
A hoarse, mirthless laugh burst from her lips as she kicked her sword up into her hand again. "Of course I wasn't! In Aincrad, if I killed someone, they didn't respawn! No one knows that better than I do."
In Aincrad, things still made sense.
"So you think just because there isn't a death penalty, you can do what you want?! That's not how it works!"
"That's exactly how it works," she hissed. "I don't make the rules—the people who made this game do, and they're the same people that have Asuna, who deserves to be awake, still stuck in here!"
His expression swam with bitterness. "That doesn't make it right!"
She shook her head emphatically.
"Of course it doesn't! It didn't make killing all of those people in Aincrad right either, but I did what I had to do to protect the people I love," she declared, "and I'll do it again and again and again if I have to. What else do I have left?"
The last few words slipped out without her meaning to, but it didn't really matter anymore at this point.
"So are you just going to kill everyone that gets in your way?" Taking a half step forward, he hurled words at her like knives. "How are you any better than the red players you worked so hard to stop in Aincrad?!"
The words she wanted to say—that she was nothing like them, that she was better than them—died in her throat; she didn't think they were really true anymore. The situations weren't remotely similar, but it wasn't like he would listen if she pointed it out. She had no motivation to defend herself to him anyway, not when it would be such a hollow attempt because she knew he was right in all the ways that she used to care about.
"Because it was necessary," was all she said instead; somehow, that answer felt intrinsically worse, in a certain way. "I killed the Sylph and Cait Sith leaders because I needed the Salamanders to take their yuld and territory."
He narrowed his eyes, skeptical. "And you killed Leafa because you need me."
"Don't get ahead of yourself," she said, tone curt and brusque. "You still definitely need me way more than I might need you, and you know you'll never get to her without me."
His shoulders stiffen at the reminder of his hesitation. "Then why don't you just kill me here and be done with it? Seems like that would be easier."
"Yeah," she agreed flatly. "It sure would be. But regardless of whether or not I need you, or how annoying you are right now, killing you isn't really going to make me feel any better."
He glared at her. "That's funny, considering how much you seemed to enjoy murdering my sister."
Karma ignored him. She wasn't sure if there was still any point in trying to slow her fall down this hole she'd dug herself, but she could at least do her best until the end to not murder her surrogate brother-in-law, no matter how much she had wanted to just a few minutes ago. Of course it wouldn't really kill him, not like it would've in Aincrad, but she knew Asuna would be sad if she did—her safety meant more, but the thought of her disappointment meant that Karma was at least willing to try, to an extent.
Asuna would probably be disappointed regardless, after everything, but Karma tried her best to not care about that right now.
"I'll do it if you insist on being stupid," she adds. "And if it turns out I do need you, I will fly to the Spriggan capital, find you, stick a paralysis knife in you, and physically drag your avatar all the way to the top of the World Tree. It's in your and Asuna's best interest for you to believe me when I say that I can and will do that. If you come with me now, it'll save you, me, and Asuna a lot of grief."
She could see it in his eyes and in his brittle posture as he slowly realized that there was no way out. If he were stronger, he could stand for what he believed in, no matter how stupid and nonsensical it was. But in this world, in this time, it was impossible.
"Look, I don't care what you think of me," she continued. "After she's back in the real world, I don't care if you never want to see my face ever again, but I'm not resting until I know she's safe. I have priorities, Kirito, and you should too. We can't have our cake and eat it. You should've learned that from Aincrad already. There always has to be a sacrifice for us to move forward."
"Then I would rather that sacrifice come from myself, rather than forcing it on other people!" he retorted.
"Well, I wouldn't, if it means her freedom," she said coldly. "If there was another option, I would've thought of it."
The helplessness on his face turned to sour animosity.
"No, you wouldn't have," he said lowly. "This is the easy way out, and you took it without even thinking about another way, because you're a coward."
The words didn't even touch her, ricocheting off of steel, as if she was standing in the shadow of Heathcliff's shield protecting her.
Maybe if the truth would've reached her, she'd finally open her eyes.
"I know what's important to me," was all she said in response. "Do you?"
The color of dark, dried blood met bitter, ashy gray; they both hated this.
"I expected better of you," he stated finally, resentment and thinly veiled disgust dripping from his tone.
She couldn't help but let her gaze drift for a moment. "I think we all did."
In the silence, her gaze flickers to the opposite wall. Kirito had gone to his room without so much as a 'good night' as soon as they arrived at the inn. His icon on her friends list indicates he's still online, probably trying to figure out what to say to his sister. She sympathizes, she really does; she knows what it feels like to have to face the numb despair of having to go back to all your real troubles after pretending they didn't exist for all of a few hours of virtual freedom.
"Was Yui what you were talking about?" she asks. "The potential key to Asuna?"
Heathcliff hums in confirmation. "She's a sentient piece of the system, with powers beyond normal Navi-Pixies in this world, similar to myself." Involuntarily, she flinches at the reminder. "You might need her to bypass certain obstacles that even you can't simply cut your way through."
Because he won't be the one to help her. She glowers at the floor, feeling a cold ball of ice solidify in her throat; why does everyone feel the need to tell her she's wrong today?
"But I wonder, what's gonna happen when you come up against something you can't just brute force through."
Muttering to herself, she says aloud, "I wonder if Yui would've chosen Kirito or Asuna."
Heathcliff doesn't answer that. Instead, he simply leans forward and asks softly, "Regrets?"
"None," she says automatically, finally tucking the potion vial away into her pocket.
Silence falls dark upon them before Heathcliff stands up straight, letting the moonbeams filter through the window, and steps closer. Tipping her chin up, she watches him approach until he's sitting down next to her, and old habits have her nestling herself against the crook of his shoulder as he wraps his arms around her with a gentleness that feels like home. Clutching the back of his robes, she tries to leech what warmth she can from him, but there's not much there anymore.
"He was right," she breathes, slumping into him. "There should've been another way, but I couldn't see it-"
"There wasn't," Heathcliff sighs, and bitter resentment settles heavily in her lungs, sour like spoiled milk left alone too long.
"Of course you would say that," she whispers, swallowing down the lump in her throat. Shaking her head, she buries her face against his robes and whimpers, "I didn't want to do it."
And they're not talking about today, not anymore. She didn't want to come back here like she did, didn't want to give up on the real world. There should've been another way; there probably was another way, but she was too much of a coward to take it, and it's far too late now. What's left to do but walk further into the fire?
He holds her a little tighter. "I know."
I just wanted to go home.
But home is where the heart is. That's the problem, isn't it?
o0o0o
you buried yourself so far in the ground; I offered a hand to pull you back out, but your misery just wanted company - Savior (Beth Crowley)
maybe there's a god above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you - Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen)
I love "I put you on a pedestal, gave you so far to fall." So many people let down, so many expectations shattered. Leafa's expectations of Kirito, and vice versa. Kirito's expectations of Karma, and vice versa. Heathcliff's expectations of Karma, and vice versa. It's great! :D I even managed to work it into the chapter itself lmao XD And while I was writing that part, I started thinking of SAO abridged XD specifically the end of episode 4. The exchange goes roughly like:
Silica: "You need emotions to feel joy, and love, and-" Kirito: "And the sweet taste of revenge, you're right! :D" etc. etc. and then Silica tells him he's the worst person she's ever met, and he says something along the lines of, "You gave me feelings just so you could cut them down? :'/" And...basically, I feel like that's not an inaccurate representation of Karma's resentment right now XD It's not a conscious decision on her part, it's just that she's sick of his apathy. In her eyes, he's never known the pain of guilt and regret like she has. A spiteful part of her wants some kind of revenge (which, I mean, can't really blame her), and her sense of self-worth has plummeted far enough that the end would justify the means.
Anyways, writing the 'psychological warfare' part (and making Karma just Go Off) was pretty fun, not gonna lie XD (It also added like a whole page and a half lmao) Her true strength has always been physically battering her opponents black and blue, but she's more than competent in mentally battering her opponents black and blue also; she just usually doesn't get the chance to do that, nor is she usually angry enough to do that and actually mean it either. Kirito's comment about projecting was, in many ways, crossing a line, especially because it wasn't really false, which just made everything worse. Hooray! :D