CHAPTER 21
NOTES:
Helloo dear reader!
Here we go with chapter 21, WOOOOO! Harry's recovery, and Severus refuses to be Little! WHAT!
It's taken me a few days to complete this, and for a while I thought I wouldn't be able to post on Wednesday. But I managed.
ENJOY!
Severus's hot shower was short-lived. He would've stayed more, the scorching water relaxing his tense muscles, but he couldn't; his mind didn't stop replaying the scenes in his head. He was wondering what he could've done differently, what he could've said to convince Harry to let the matter go and not go after the vampire.
But no. He knew Harry was stubborn by nature, almost as much as himself, if not more. And he would've never not helped his friend. Much as if it was him in trouble, Harry would do his utmost to help, even put himself in danger.
He got out of the shower and got dressed quickly. His eyes purposefully avoided the fluffy towels and grabbed an old one that had long lost its soft texture instead. He didn't want anything to remind him of his Little state right now.
He still trembled when he remembered how stupid he'd been. He was Severus Snape, the man who'd spied and lied to the Dark Lord on both wars. The man who'd been his right hand for years, his most trusted man - or at least as much as the Dark Lord trusted. He who'd survived abuse and neglect at home and at school, who'd almost been killed by a snake, who had more scars than he could count. And he was the same man who, hours before, had lost it.
Severus didn't like how vulnerable regressing made him feel. For decades he'd avoided giving in to his urges for that same reason, he had no control over himself, what he said or did. Over the last few months, he'd learnt to trust his and Harry's instincts. Regressing at home, in the safety of their rooms and with Harry by his side, was actually quite therapeutic. That felt good, that felt safe, comfortable and warm.
But at the Burrow... it had been instinctual. Hearing Harry was in danger had set off something in his mind, a primal fear he hadn't experienced in a long time. He knew he was afraid of losing him, he'd voiced as much during Christmas to Albus and Minerva.
But so far, Severus's musings had always operated under the assumption that it was Harry himself who chose to leave eventually. He'd always assumed it would be Harry deciding he wasn't worth it, breaking his heart in the process. But what if that wasn't what Harry wanted? What if he got killed? What if there was somebody out there waiting it out, what if he was targeted? He was Harry Potter after all, and there were plenty of Dark Wizards lurking in the shadows, waiting for their chance. And if something happened, Severus didn't know if he could survive another death of a loved one...
"Ah, you're back, you were fast" Charlie whispered when he came into the bedroom, taking him out of his reverie.
Harry had changed position after he'd left him. He was there, laying on the bed, the skin ashen white, the breathing fast and irregular. He was tossing and turning from time to time, muttering things in the throes of the fever. Despite the pallor of the skin, there was a layer of sweat on his forehead and his hair was plastered to his skin. With gentle fingers Severus caressed it, moving it away from his forehead and showing the scar on his head. The fever was running its course, Severus knew it would take a few more hours for it to break. He sat down with a sigh, his hand never leaving Harry's forehead.
"Are you alright?" Charlie asked.
Severus glanced at him and nodded once, his eyes returning to Harry.
"Worried, I know" Charlie continued, probably seeing that Severus wasn't in a talkative mood "he'll pull through, though. You'll see."
Severus nodded again, his other hand holding Harry's with the utmost delicacy. His thumb traced the scar on the back of his hand, the lines he'd been forced to write again, again and again by that toad Umbridge. I must not tell lies. As if he didn't know, as if nobody knew, that Harry Potter never told lies. Not when it really counted.
Hours went by slowly, Severus's eyes were fixed on Harry's face, but his mind was far away from the room. A part of him was waiting for any sign, anything, that told him he was well again. The other, he loathed to admit, was scared out of his mind about what would happen if - no, when Harry woke up. He had read all the literature there was to read about antidotes against vampire venom, he knew he had the basics covered. But he had never seen a human suffering the effects before this. He hoped Harry would pull through unscarred, but wasn't confident on the outcome.
His eyes moved from the sleeping body when Charlie's head lolled to one side for the fifth time. Severus glanced at the time, it was nearly 3 am.
"Charlie," Severus said "I am deeply thankful for what you've done. But you don't need to stay. Go home."
"No, it's alright," Charlie said, although his voice sounded rough as he sat straighter on the chair as he yawned "I can stay a bit longer."
"Charlie," Severus filled his voice with an undertone of authority, and Charlie immediately picked up on that. His eyes flew open, sleep already a distant dream. "I'm fine. Harry won't wake up for a few more hours, and I can take care of him when he does. Go home, you are exhausted yourself. No need for the both of us to go sleepless."
Charlie seemed to be thinking about it until finally, he nodded slowly.
"Alright," he whispered, "just one more thing to do before I leave."
He took out his wand and flicked it, and Severus's uncomfortable chair turned into a plush maroon armchair, with a cushion on each side of his legs.
"I won't tell you to go to the sofa, I know you won't listen. But please, do get some sleep too. You need to take care of yourself, okay?"
He got up from his own chair, walking around the bed and towards Severus. Then he placed his hand on his shoulder. Severus felt the pressure on it, the warmth and comfort spreading, and he nodded.
"I will endeavour to do so," Severus said "thank you, Charlie. For everything."
"No need to thank me," Charlie said with a small smile "good night, Severus. Let us know how Harry is doing in the morning."
Then, he disappeared into the living room. A few seconds later Severus heard the roaring of the floo and Charlie shouting THE BURROW before he disappeared into a swirl of green flames.
Finally alone, Severus continued watching Harry. He kept muttering in his dream, moving his head from side to side, it was obvious it wasn't a deep, restful sleep. The fever was stable, it wasn't coming down but it wasn't going up either.
Severus's eyes focused on Harry's face, scrutinizing every little detail of it. Every little freckle he had, every little wrinkle that appeared because of his burrowed frown and tense expression. His eyelids started to grow heavy. He never knew when or how, but he succumbed to exhaustion; his hand never leaving Harry's.
There was a weird taste in his mouth, his tongue moving around the oral cavity and feeling its copper taste.
It was blood. But there wasn't enough. It wasn't enough!
He heard a growl, and it took him a few seconds to recognize it as his own. He felt a need inside, something like he'd never felt before, a strange pull that made him want to open his eyes. They were heavy, but they eventually did. He blinked at the darkness of the room, moving his tongue and feeling his mouth and throat dry.
His eyes focused on the slumbering man next to him. He had long black hair and pale white skin, and a deep frown had settled in his brow. He was sitting on a rather comfortable armchair, his legs seemed to be stretched out under the bed, and he had his arm extended on top of the bed. He looked below and saw the man's big hand grabbing his own with huge delicacy. He blinked again, recognizing the man in the haze of his foggy mind, knowing that those hands were always cold. Now, though, it felt warm to the touch, his thumb still drawing soothing circles on the back of the hand. Perhaps it was him that was cold?
He looked to his right and saw a jug of water and a glass. He was dying for a drink, his dry throat claiming for that water, but he knew that was not what he wanted. No, he wanted something else, something red, tasty and that would satiate his thirst. But he wasn't meant to have it.
He let his body fall further on the bed and closed his eyes, focusing on his own breathing instead. He knew that the creature who'd done this was far away from him, and in a strange way, he knew he was safe. He was home. He clutched at the hand and let the darkness surround him once again.
When the first rays of sunshine entered the enchanted window, Severus's eyes opened in an instant. He glanced at Harry, confused at having fallen asleep when he wasn't planning to, and his hand went to his forehead. He sighed in relief when he felt the skin at a normal temperature, the fever had broken at lastWhen the first rays of sunshine entered the enchanted window, Severus's eyes opened in an instant. He glanced at Harry, confused at having fallen asleep when he wasn't planning to, and his hand went to his forehead. He sighed in relief when he felt the skin at a normal temperature, the fever had broken at last.
"Harry?" he whispered, his voice gravelly. He cleared his throat and started again "Harry, can you hear me? Come on, wake up... wake up, please..."
Slowly, the eyes blinked a few times, until they were finally open and focused on him. And Severus felt a huge wave of relief to see the emerald green once again, confused but clear of the vampire venom.
"S-Severus" he croaked.
"Shhh it's alright, don't speak yet" Severus whispered as he got closer to him. His back complained and he felt it stiff after so long in the same position, but he pushed the discomfort away "water?"
Harry nodded once, and Severus let go of his hand to grab the jug and serve him a glass.
Slowly, he stood up and helped Harry drink, pushing his head upwards. A bit of water escaped his lips and rolled down his neck, but other than that, he drank the entire glass.
"I suppose it is normal that you feel thirsty. At least now you want water" Severus said with a smile or relief "your friend Ron will be glad to know. You soaked him last night."
"Ron is... is fine? What happened?"
"He's fine, everything's been taken care of," Severus said, as he sensed Harry had a lot more questions. He held a hand up "the creature is in the custody of the Ministry, Ron got away with only some scraps. He and Charlie helped me treat you."
He saw Harry's eyes flickering to the empty fireplace, falling silent.
"I'm sorry Severus. You warned me not to go, and then this happened" Harry said, his voice remorseful.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. It was an accident, and it was the creature's fault. Not yours" Severus answered.
Then, he saw Harry's nose flaring and then wrinkling.
"I smell awful," he said, disgusted, as he looked down.
"I did perform a cleaning charm last night, but I guess it wasn't effective enough. I can help you to a bath if you need me to" Severus said "but first, I need you to tell me how you're feeling. Any noticeable changes?"
Harry seemed to be thinking, his brow furrowing.
"I can smell and hear better," Harry said. Then, he closed his eyes and seemed to focus "I can hear the rumbling of the Black Lake outside the dungeons. I can smell the stale coffee and burnt toast of the other day. And... a salty smell. Like... tears."
Severus looked away, feeling the heat crawling up his cheeks.
"Are you okay, Severus?"
"I'm fine. I was worried, that is all. I had never seen a human experiencing a vampire bite before" he answered, still avoiding his eyes. "You still have traces of highly developed senses, it is likely they will linger for a while. The fever has broken, but you will still feel weak and probably have other side effects too."
"Will they go away?"
"Soon, I expect. Over the course of the day" Severus said "which reminds me. You will have to take the day off tomorrow. And Albus has to be warned."
"Okay, I understand that," Harry said quickly "but let's wait for the day off tomorrow. Let's see how I am doing by the evening first, alright?"
"Fine" Severus relented "I'm going to prepare breakfast and floo Albus, he will already be up. You just rest."
Severus got up from his armchair as Harry accommodated a bit better in the bed and his eyes closed, he seemed to be tired still. Severus was thankful to escape, he didn't want to admit to Harry how much he had lost it. How a close call it had really been. And how much, just how much he needed Harry to be stable.
He was scared of these feelings, of what he felt and how powerful it was. He had never felt such a need for anyone. Was their relationship toxic? Was it too co-dependent? Or was it normal to be worried when the person you essentially shared your life with was in such danger?
Severus had no answers. Besides Lily he had no friends to speak of, he had no idea whether the pull he felt was common. Shaking his head he walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him, he started to work. With his wand he put some order to the disorganized living room and prepared breakfast for three, setting Harry's aside for when he woke up later.
Then, he floo'ed Albus and invited him to have breakfast to explain. As he imagined, the Headmaster was extremely worried and gave Severus an earful about not telling him earlier.
"I was preoccupied with making the antidote" Severus defended himself.
"He could've been a danger to the students, he's in a school, for Merlin's beard!"
"Harry was not a danger to anyone, the transformation hadn't been completed. He wasn't a vampire, Albus" Severus argued, his voice serious. "You know, more than anyone, that I would have never put the students at risk had I believed he was a threat to their safety."
Albus seemed to calm down at his words and looked down to his cup of tea. Severus thought it was a bit hypocritical to be criticising his choice to bring Harry home when he had hired a werewolf for an entire year as a teacher. He still held a modicum of resentment to the old man, not for the choice itself, but for the double standards that he seemed to have with certain people.
"The venom had already taken effect on him. I had to be quick, and here I had all the ingredients needed for the antidote" he continued "it was hard, but Harry fought it back. The fever didn't break until the late hours of the morning. He still has some side effects, but otherwise, he seems unharmed. I will monitor his progress, just in case."
Albus nodded. His anger seemed to be fading away, and now he seemed more concerned for his young Professor.
"Will he recover?"
"He will," Severus said with conviction "the venom is already getting out of his system, but it will take a few hours still. Harry has asked me to wait until the evening to decide, but I believe it would be better if he took the day off tomorrow to recuperate."
"I agree," Dumbledore said "and I apologise, my dear boy. I had no right to get angry at you, you did what was best. Harry wouldn't have been safer anywhere else."
Severus nodded, accepting his apology.
Then, the door of their bedroom opened and Harry, dressed still in his torn clothes from the day before, walked in.
"Ow!" he screamed as he squinted, his arm coming up to cover his eyes. Severus blinked, confused, and then realized what was happening. Even though it was cloudy, the enchanted windows were letting too much brightness in. In a second he grabbed his wand and with a flick, he closed the curtains, allowing light to come in but a bit less harmful to Harry's eyes.
"Thank you," he said in relief as he rested his back against the threshold.
"Care to tell me what you are doing out of bed?" Severus said as he jumped and rushed to get to Harry's side.
"I'm fine. Just heard your voices and wanted to come" Harry said with a small smile, gesturing to the table "am I allowed to eat with you?"
"Let him eat, Severus, he must be starving," Dumbledore said from the table "hello, Harry. How are you feeling?"
"Fine, sir. A bit bruised but fine" Harry said. Then, he turned his eyes to Severus, looking up at him "well?"
Severus sighed but relented. He could never say no to this man. Offering his arm as support, he allowed Harry to curl his arm around him as he helped him walk to the table. He sat him down on the chair next to him, as close to him as he could.
He was about to start piling food on Harry's plate and serve him coffee like he did every morning; when he took notice of his stance. He was completely tense, staring at the food in front of him with a look of absolute disgust, his eyes squinted, his nose wrinkled, his upper lip pulled up.
"Harry?"
But Harry pushed the plate away from him in a single movement, and with force. It slid to the other end of the table, out of reach.
"Disgusting" he muttered as he breathed, his nose still wrinkled.
Severus was surprised, but only for a split second. It seemed that food was also another side effect Harry was having.
"It's alright," he said as he placed his hand on Harry's shoulder "it will soon pass."
"I hope so. I can't stand this" Harry said, gesturing at the food as he got up from the chair "you guys finish breakfast, I'll go have a shower."
Without another word, he retraced his steps and walked to their bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Severus sagged on his chair, looking at the plate of food Harry had moved away. The recent scene worried him, he couldn't deny it, but it was to be expected. He had little information about what to expect.
"He'll be fine, Severus, you said it yourself," Dumbledore said.
Severus glanced at him. The twinkle in his blue eyes was missing, but his gaze was piercing anyway, and warm. Severus allowed himself to be soothed by that gaze, by those eyes that promised so much.
"I hope so."
Dumbledore finished his breakfast while Severus all but picked at his food, until not long later the Headmaster got up from the seat.
"I'd better be off," he said as he wiped the crumbs from his robes "Minerva needs to be told, and we'll make arrangements for tomorrow's lessons."
"Thank you. I'll keep you appraised of his recovery" Severus answered as he nodded.
He followed him with his eyes as Dumbledore took a handful of floo powder and travelled back to his office.
Once alone, Severus gave way to his thoughts. He would have to watch Harry closely, to see what other side effects he seemed to have. So far, it seemed that his bloodthirst had diminished, he'd drunk the water quite well. However, he had sensitivity to light and found the mere sight and probably smell of food disgusting.
The day dragged on slowly. They floo-called Harry's friends after Severus had had lunch, finding it impossible to make Harry eat anything at all. Hermione was most concerned about him, having only been told about their ordeal after Ron had got home late at night. Both Harry and Severus calmed her down, and she only relented once Severus explained the potion he'd prepared and what effects it had in detail. Charlie and Ron, on the other hand, seemed to be relieved to see him in such high spirits, and they joked around. Severus smiled as he was included in the conversation, a warm feeling settling in his stomach after the awful day they'd had.
Towards the evening, Harry's appetite came back, and Severus was relieved, to say the least. They ate in companionable silence and wordlessly sat down on the sofa for a cup of tea afterwards.
But Severus needed something. Something he loathed to admit, but which was weighing him down. Wordlessly, he curled up next to Harry, placing his feet under his bum as he rested his forehead against his shoulder.
"Are you alright, Sev?"
Severus nodded. He closed his eyes and inhaled once, twice, three times. Each deep breath brought in smells he recognized, smells he associated with safety. With Harry.
Last night those smells hadn't been there, they had been lost amidst the blood, sweat and dirt. Now they were back, and they were breaking Severus's resolve.
"I'm sorry, I know I must've scared you" Harry whispered, and Severus felt him pressing a kiss on top of his head before he rested his chin on him.
"You did" Severus whispered "don't ever do that to me. Ever again."
He felt Harry nodding against him, but he said nothing. Severus knew that what he was asking was unfair and quite impossible, he was Harry Potter after all. He couldn't promise that, and if Severus knew one thing, it was that Harry only made those promises he could keep.
"Let's go to bed" Severus whispered before he got too sleepy "you need to rest."
Harry nodded and followed him to bed. They cuddled close, wanting to feel the warmth and presence of the other, making sure they were there. Together. As it should be.
Three days had passed, it was Wednesday. Harry had followed Severus's advice - more like a warning - and had taken Monday off work, and by Tuesday he was back on his feet.
It had been unnerving to not feel his senses like his own. To be able to smell and hear all sorts of things he wasn't used to, and to not be able to even stand the sight of food. To feel a kind of thirst, which wouldn't be quenched even if he drank litres and litres of water. Severus had told him what it was, it was the remnants of the bloodthirst, leaving his system. Thank Merlin, by Tuesday morning he had no side effects to speak of.
That didn't mean all was well, Harry sensed.
He'd seen Severus behaving erratically. It was like two sides of him, battling out with each other.
On the one hand, Severus behaved like a total mother hen. He made sure he ate, took vitamins and blood replenishing potions with each meal, and rested. He was worse than Poppy and Mrs Weasley combined! He'd gone to the lengths of making Harry go to the Hospital Wing to get a full checkup by Poppy. And had even insisted he was put under a diet to regain his strength and replenish his magical core. It was all too much.
Then, it was his constant presence. The only moment Severus wouldn't be by his side was when he was teaching. Other than that, he would be with him like a shadow, alert to any possible threats.
But on the other hand, and as unnerving and frustrating as that was, not having a moment to himself, Harry knew why that was. He knew he'd scared Severus with the vampire accident, and his instinctual response was to stay glued to him the entire day. He knew it all came back to Severus's fear of losing him, this accident had made his fear a very real possibility.
This was the reason why, for the last two days, Harry had been trying to get Severus to regress. To let him take care of him for once, to let him vent his fears and frustrations.
But Severus had refused.
"You need to recuperate" or "you need your strength back first" or "no need to worry about me". They all sounded like excuses, and Harry was wondering what deeper reason Severus had for not wanting to regress.
He had to admit, even if Severus was glued to him the entire time, he missed that feeling. He missed the little boy in Severus, the feeling he'd get when it was Harry himself protecting him, looking after him, caring for him. He missed his little boy.
And of course, Severus's mood got worse. By Wednesday evening he was speaking in monosyllables, his scowl more pronounced than in the previous weeks.
"Sev" Harry spoke after coming back from the Great Hall for dinner and sitting down on the sofa. He patted the spot next to him "come sit with me. Let's talk."
Severus arched an eyebrow, but otherwise walked to the sofa and sat down, his back straight. Harry sighed and shifted a bit closer to him, his hand travelling to his face. He pushed the strands of hair behind his ear, the back of his fingers caressing the skin on the temple and cheek, up and down. Up and down. He knew it helped to calm him down.
"First of all, I don't think I did, but I want to say thank you. Thank you for making the antidote, and for staying up to look after me" Harry said.
"No thanks are needed. You would have done the same for me" Severus said.
"Exactly," Harry said. Then he sighed, and his voice went lower "I know you need to regress. I can read the signs by now, and I know you can too. Why do you fight it?"
"I'm not fighting anything. You need to recuperate" his voice sounded strained, and he saw him swallow.
"But I have recuperated" Harry interrupted "can't you see? I'm all better, thanks to you. Now it's my turn to look after you, but why won't you let me?"
But Severus shook his head.
"Stop this nonsense. I am fine" he said, his voice admitted no argument "go and rest. I have a Head of Houses Meeting. I'll be back as soon as I can."
Harry saw it as a convenient escape, but he couldn't call him out on it, as it was Wednesday evening after all. He nodded, leaving Severus to grab his notes and walk to the staff room for his weekly meeting, as he stayed behind. Before he did, Severus turned around, his eyes hard.
"Do not leave these rooms," he said. His voice sounded hard and strained as if it had taken a lot of effort to say them.
"I won't. I'll be waiting for you here" Harry answered as he attempted a soft smile, wanting to make Severus feel better. He only nodded before he closed the door behind him.
He sighed as he sagged on the sofa once again, feeling lost. He had no idea how to make Severus see how much he needed to regress, and how willing he was to look after him. Something had happened, something that had made him refuse his Little side once again.
It was always a pattern with Severus. He knew how beneficial it was for him, he'd felt it in his bones, in his very soul. Severus was very much in awe at the moments they shared together, still not completely believing he now had somebody to look after him. However, as soon as something happened to disrupt the little cocoon of comfort they'd created, Severus would fall back to his own ways of denial and repression. It was up to Harry to find a way to guide him back to him.
With these thoughts running through his head, he went to bed. He kept a few candles and the fireplace lit, taking up a book to read.
He was shaken awake violently, his glasses digging into the bridge of his nose and the side of his skull. He'd fallen asleep, without wanting to, the book lay forgotten on his lap where it had fallen; until a stern and angry voice woke him up.
"POTTER!"
"Wha... I'm awake, I'm awake" he said, blinking as he sit up, confused. He shook his head and tried to dispel the fog of his mind, and his eyes fell on Severus, who was towering over him.
He looked angry. More than that, he looked murderous.
"Severus? What's wrong?"
"Where are the papers?"
"Papers? What papers?"
"The papers I spent two days grading, the papers that were on the desk of my office. Where are they?"
Harry blinked again. He was confused and he furrowed his brow, his eyes narrowed, and he tried to recall some papers that he apparently had lost.
"Severus, I haven't been to your office" he tried to explain logically "I have no idea what papers you're talking about or where they are."
"DON'T LIE TO ME!" Severus yelled, "what did you do with them, Potter?!"
"WHY WOULD I HAVE EVEN TOUCHED THEM?!" Harry asked, his voice rising.
But then, he saw something flicker through Severus's eyes. That something, that went as quick as it came, made Harry pause and think about what was happening.
He looked away at the dying fire on the fireplace and took a calming breath, closing his eyes. He swallowed, racking his brains for a solution to this mess. He glanced at Severus, and he was breathing hard, his eyes still hard, his lips pressed into a thin line.
"Severus. I think you need some time to cool off" he said, making an effort to maintain his voice calm. "You're obviously upset about something, but it's okay."
He sat straighter on the bed, crossing his legs, and offered his stretched hand.
"Come with me" Harry offered, his voice soft "why don't we sit down and breathe, hm?"
And then, Severus seemed to realize what was going on. He seemed to deflate, and suddenly, his breath hitched. He looked at Harry with wide eyes and took a step back.
"I... I need to go" he said.
"Wait, wait, it's alright," Harry said, trying to appease him "it's okay, you don't have to go..."
"No, I need... I need... sorry" he said before he opened the door of the bedroom and ran.
For a split second, Harry wondered what to do. Severus didn't seem to want to speak with him, but the last thing he'd said was worrying. It was as if he'd recognized what was going on too, had read the signs as well. He was closer than ever to a breaking point, and Harry had to be there for when it happened. He needed him.
Harry quickly got up from bed and walked barefoot on the cold stone floor, towards the door of the room. It was ajar, Severus had tried to close it but in his rush, he'd shut it with too much force and it had rebounded. He opened the door completely, thinking that Severus had fled their quarters, but he was wrong.
What he saw broke his heart.
Severus was sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace, his knees close to his chest, his arms surrounding them. His head was bowed, he probably was hiding his face.
He was crying.
It wasn't the dramatic sob he heard some children do when they didn't get their way. This one was silent, Harry only heard when he sniffled, his gasps audible because his nose was stuffed.
Harry's eyes watered at the sight and felt a dagger stabbing his chest when he saw him, the man that made him happier than ever before, sobbing into his arms.
He knew Severus was suffering, for days now he'd seen him fighting against his instincts. He'd been suffering too, trying to make him see he was well enough to look after him, but Severus had flatly refused. And now, it seemed, he couldn't fight anymore.
He sighed and stepped into the room, walking with silent steps around the sofa until he sat down next to him. He crossed his legs and waited, looking at the dancing flames of the fire. He knew Severus had noticed him, his sobs had diminished a bit, but whether that was because of his presence or his own shame, Harry couldn't say.
He shifted a bit closer until his knee brushed against his legs. Severus's lips let out a soft, sad whimper when he felt it, but he didn't move. Harry smiled sadly, he was familiar with Severus's moods by now and how to act with each of them. And right now, he would never say it but he needed a cuddle.
Without a word, he shifted even closer to him, and one of his hands went to his back. He heard Severus gasp slightly at the contact, but he didn't pressure him or rush him. Very slowly, giving him time, he started to rub his back up and down. He leaned his face forward, his lips close to him, and he started to hush near his ear. Gently, so as not to startle him, his other hand brushed against his forearm.
"H-Harry..."
"Yes, sweetie," Harry said, and he realized Severus's voice sounded sad but still very much adult "I'm right here."
Severus whimpered, his lips pressed into a thin line. He shook his head, the curtain of hair moving with his movement, his eyes close shut. His jaw was clenched so hard Harry could almost hear his teeth rattling, he was trying to keep his sobs down. It was painful to watch, and Harry wished he could something, anything to ease the man's pain.
"Let me help, darling " he spoke in whispers, close to his ear "will you tell me what's going on?"
"I... I don't want you to go..."
That whisper, which sounded more like a desperate plea, almost killed Harry. His movements stilled, his eyes looking at Severus's. They were dark, bulgy and full of tears.
Harry noticed when he couldn't hold it anymore, when a raw sob escaped his lips, tearing up his throat as he turned his body to one side and lunged forward. His arms wrapped around Harry, he could feel them squeezing him, as he hid his face against his neck.
"I'm not going anywhere, darling. I'm here..." Harry whispered, his voice low and deep "I'm here..."
"W-what's w-wrong with m-me?"
The question, uttered with a tiny, faltering voice, hit Harry to the deepest part of his heart.
"Nothing!" Harry said, gripping him tight "nothing's wrong with you baby, you've done nothing wrong. Why do you say that?"
"I must have... otherw-wise... why does everyone always leave?"
Harry felt him pressing his forehead against his chest, rubbing up and down as if he wanted to impregnate himself with his scent.
"You almost left me too... and it was my fault..."
"Okay, Sev. Can you look at me for a moment?" Harry asked, very gently.
He coaxed Severus to lift his gaze until he locked eyes. One of his hands abandoned his back and went to his face, pushing aside his hair and caressing it.
"That's it, very good" he praised, then he continued "now, I want you to listen to me. This was not your fault. It was me who accepted to help Ron, and it was a vampire who attacked me. Not you."
But Severus only shook his head, sniffling.
"When Ron's Patronus appeared... I lost it..."
Harry quietly gasped. Severus didn't need to be more specific for him to understand what he meant.
"Charlie... he found me out" Severus continued "he was most... gentle. And he looked after me when... when I was desperate."
Harry didn't want to imagine the absolute courage and shame he must've endured. It had been hard enough when Harry found out, and even if he knew Severus did have a soft spot for Charlie, that didn't make it any less daunting.
"I'm so sorry, baby," Harry said as he nuzzled his forehead "I know it must've been very hard for you..."
"I shouldn't have given in... I should've fought harder, I should've... but I didn't, and we lost precious time"
Then, Severus raised his eyes, locking gazes with him. His eyes were pools of darkness, wet with tears that had begun to roll down his cheeks and to the tip of his nose.
"You could've died because of me, Harry. I should've gone to the Ministry as quickly as Ron warned us, but..."
"Hey, no," Harry said "don't say that. I won't allow you to torture yourself for something you had no control of."
"Don't you understand?! You could've died!"
"But I didn't. You came on time, brewed the potion" Harry said "you did nothing wrong, Severus. Quite the opposite. You saved me. As you always do, as you've been doing for almost two decades."
Harry planted a sweet kiss on his temple, and then went on, his voice a bit deeper.
"But, listen. Even if you had been late, Severus, I want you to understand this. Being Little is vital for you, and you know it's not a dial you can turn on and off when you want" he said. "I need you to know that nothing, nothing would've made you responsible if you came late because you were Little. It wasn't your responsibility."
"How can you say that... how can you..."
"Because I understand why you're feeling like this. You believe that if it hadn't been for your slip, you would've come to me earlier. Am I wrong?"
Severus shook his head but otherwise said nothing. Harry sighed audibly and ran a hand through his now long hair, trying to find the words to make him understand.
"You can't see it, can you? Being Little is a part of you. And it's not a dial you can turn on and off as you please" he said "and why should you feel guilty when your child self comes out? If he did come out, it was because you needed it. You were worried, and needed a safety net to fall back on. Being a child did that, and Harry looked after you. Don't fustigate yourself for that."
Harry pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around the man once again. He gave him time, breathing deeply as he let Severus listen to his heartbeat. He had missed this, the feeling of him listening to his heart, making sure it was still alive, still beating.
"Do you understand now, Severus? Don't ever, ever feel guilty for being Little. Never" he whispered as he kissed the top of his head, letting him bury his face on his chest.
He knew he hadn't convinced him, it would take a lot of work from both of them. But at least Severus nodded once.
Harry waited for a while, basking in the shared closeness before he opened his mouth again.
"Sev, there's still one more thing we need to discuss," he said as he turned his head a bit "what happened back there, in the bedroom? Did you have a flashback?"
Severus only nodded, still hiding his face and avoiding his eyes.
"You yelled at me" he only said, and his voice sounded detached.
Harry's heart sank. Of course, he would be sensitive when he was yelled at. Thank Merlin Harry had realized what was happening as soon as he did.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he said "You are right, I shouldn't have yelled at you."
Severus said nothing. Harry recognized his mood, after one of his outbursts, Severus was left pretty emotional, scared and clingy. He felt the long arms wrapped around him, squeezing tight. One of his hands travelled to his face, putting his hair behind his ear.
"I think this is the wake-up call we needed, don't you think?" he whispered "you need to rest, honey. You need to let it all out."
"I c-can't" Severus said, and Harry saw how close to the abyss he really was when he stammered a bit.
"I know, I know it's scary," Harry said in a soothing voice "but I'm with you, okay? I won't go."
He gently encouraged Severus to lean even more on him, his arms wrapping close around the man, his hands rubbing up and down his back. He could feel his body trembling slightly, he couldn't see him but he was sure his lower lip was quivering under the pressure, trying to hold it in. A small whimper escaped his lips and he burrowed his face further against his nightclothes.
"It's okay baby, you're safe..." he whispered, gently swaying him "I'm with you. You can cry... let all the hurt out..."
It took a while, Harry could feel Severus still holding on to the last shreds of control, to the last straw of self-constraint... and then, finally, he felt him let go.
The whimpers turned to sobs, and they became audible. His body was shaking against him, his shoulders heaving with each heartbreaking sob. Harry held him tight, his hand rubbing his back up and down as he encouraged him to let go.
"P-please... d-don't go... I-I d-don't w-want..." he stammered, trying to speak, but the sobs were making it hard.
"Shhh don't speak... just let it all out..." Harry whispered, his voice gentle, soothing "I'm here okay? You're safe with me..."
Severus cried and cried for what seemed like hours. And it hurt Harry's heart to recognize those were terrified sobs. His fear of Harry leaving had been too real, not only because of the vampire thing, but probably because of the flashback he'd had too. It was easy for Severus to think he'd leave after their argument. He shook his head.
"It's alright... daddy's right here..." Harry said, trying to encourage him to slip into headspace. He spoke in whispers, his voice soft and gentle "you've been very strong these days, darling... you don't have to be anymore... daddy will make it all better..."
The sobs gradually changed in their tonality and pattern, and Harry could recognize Severus's body language changing in his arms. He cuddled closer to him, sniffling sadly. The definite hint that he had finally slipped, that he was Little, was his thumb in his mouth. Harry hadn't realized exactly when it had happened, but he could hear his sad whimpers as he suckled the digit, filling the room with the noise.
Harry huddled him closer on his lap, slowly rocking the overgrown boy that had finally emerged from within. Now that the adult Severus was forgotten, the child gripped at his clothes, sobbing until his throat was raspy and his voice came out hoarse.
Harry spoke to him in soft tones, telling him how proud he was of him, what a good boy he was, and how happy he was to be with him.
Severus didn't answer. Even when his sobs diminished, he stayed on Harry's lap, sucking on his thumb while sad whimpers escaped his lips every once in a while. Harry wasn't expecting him to speak either, already familiar with Severus's moods. That was a habit both adult and child shared, when hurt or sad, they didn't speak.
Very gently Harry moved Severus, pulling him away a bit from him. Severus whined and clung to Harry even further, hiding his face on his chest.
"Shhh, it's okay. I just want to take this off, darling" he whispered as he tugged at Severus's robes that were still dangling off of him. He hadn't changed when he'd come back after the meeting "let's put on something more comfortable, yeah?"
With slow, gentle movements they got rid of Severus's robes, boots, and had unbuttoned his frock coat. It took a while, but Severus finally helped in getting undressed.
"Shall we put on a fresh nappy, baby?" Harry asked, encouraging "yeah? Just in case we have an accident, so you don't wake up wet?"
For the first time, Severus nodded. He seemed to not mind what was happening to him as long as Harry stayed; if his body language was anything to judge by. Harry nodded as he summoned a fluffy velvety green onesie from the drawer of their bedroom and a nappy.
"Will you be a good boy and lay down?" Harry asked.
Severus didn't want to, that much was clear. It took a long while of whispered sweet, comforting words and hums until Harry could lay him down on the rug, close to the fireplace so he wouldn't be cold. As quickly and efficiently as he could, he undressed the man, put on the fresh nappy, and got Severus dressed with the fluffy onesie.
Harry had no idea what time it was, but it was pretty late, of that he was sure. The Head of Houses meetings could drag for hours, and the next morning they had a staff meeting. They both needed all the rest they could get.
As gently as he could, he whispered a weightless spell and scooped Severus up in his arms. He still wasn't calm enough to take him directly to bed, he was still sucking his thumb and his eyes were sad and full of tears. So, he prepared a bottle of warm milk and walked straight to the rocking chair they'd acquired months before.
But Severus didn't seem to be in the mood for milk or bottles. He hid his face against Harry's stomach and whined, his hands grabbing his clothes.
"Shhh it's alright, baby... just take this, you'll feel much better..." he whispered "come on... let daddy look after you..."
Severus finally let himself be convinced, and he stopped sucking his finger, as his lips closed around the nipple. Harry started the rocking motion on the chair, back and forth, back and forth. He let the rhythmic creaking and the repetitive movement help in calming him down. For a while, the only sounds in the room were the crackling of the fire, the creaking of the chair and the suckling sounds of Severus.
After the bottle was finished, Severus was finally down. It had taken a bit of work, but he knew he could do it. Now, he hoped they could have some time the following evening to spend some time together, perhaps to play, have a bath or read.
For now, the wonderful bed awaited them, and he walked with Severus in his arms as he yawned.
And that's it for this week! What are your thoughts?!
Poor Severus, he can't get a rest! But he finally gets to be Little again! I hope you liked his Little side again, after all, this is all about making him feel better.
What are your predictions for the upcoming chapters?
Anything you'd like to see? Anything you feel it's missing? Let me know in the comments below!
On another note, it's 29th of December. The end of the year is fast approaching! This is the last chapter of 2021, and I am SO SO SO very grateful for all of you. This fic has becoming the highlight of the last months of the year, and getting reviews and kudos from every single one of you, opening up discussions about this or that aspect, it all makes me feel blessed.
So, here's for a better 2022.
Have a great week, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!