"I own you.'
Those were his exact words. The words that I would never forget. Gloss had warned me. He had warned me to not do anything reckless. To not upset the President. But had I expected this? I feel the shiver across my skin. The thought of what he had asked of me made me sick. And he hadn't even asked it. He had demanded it. I have to sell myself.
I almost jump up from the couch when I hear the door. Ever since the games unexpected movement and sounds startled me. I suppose that was the price you had to pay for winning. For killing 6. For making sure 23 innocent children were dead. Well one of the prices at least.
Gloss notices me right away. As his eyes lock into mine. I wonder what had happened to him. His eyes were so different. As if drained of all happiness. When my brother came back from winning his games he was not the strong 16 year old that had left our home only a few weeks earlier. Physically he hadn't changed but his eyes never smiled again. No one could touch him. It was as if every form of human contact was hard. My brother had killed 7 people in a matter of days and I hated what it had done to him.
Gloss slowly walks my way.
'Cash? Are you all right?' he asks. His voice was almost trembling.
I do not answer him. Does he know? Does he know what Snow had ordered? Did he know of the treats? Of the risks if I refused? Gloss had been there when I woke up after the games. His eyes had been sad. I didn't know what to think of my brother. We had won back to back games. How could he not be happy for me? We would return as celebrities. The famous siblings from District 1.
I notice how the pillows move when Gloss sits down beside me. Our eyes still locked on each other. I am sure he can see the tears in my eyes. I do not want them to be there but I can't help it. Sure the games had changed him. I had heard his terrible screams every night for months now. He had vivid nightmares of his time in the arena. He told me once that the tributes came to him every night. That the image of Lila, the district 7 girl, sat in his chair for hours. Just watching him. Watching his every move. But I always thought that was the price he paid for fame. For freedom. Killing Lila had made him famous. He could go to the capitol. Be rich. I had always been the center of attention in our family. Being the only girl in a line of four boys. Everyone told me I was special. I was going to be the one to make our family famous. And then Gloss was reaped and took that away from me. I guess it made me kind of jealous.
Gloss and I stare at each other for a while. Not really knowing what to say. His hands are clenched at his side trying to mask the way he is feeling. He knows I have been to Snow's mansion. He was there with me till Tiberius, the man Snow uses to control the victors, had hushed me away to meet the president. I had seen the warning in his eyes at that moment. He had wanted to tell me something but he did not have the chance. While I climbed the stairs I noticed the woman clinging to his side. Kissing his neck. Whispering in his ear. I saw his eyes glancing at me to give me one last warning.
And suddenly I know. The image in my head is very clear. I know why I can't hug him the way we used to. Why he shivers at every touch. I understand the sadness in his eyes. The conflicting feelings of me being a victor. Happy to have his sister back, knowing what the price would be. Knowing the price he was paying for his ongoing fame.
Snow's demand of me makes me look at Gloss in a different way. His change is not just about the games. The pain in his eyes not just from the blood on his hands.
'Why didn't you tell me?' I ask
'I didn't think you would volunteer. You knew what the games did to me. You heard the nightmares. We even talked about them. I thought that would scare you away.'
It hadn't. I did not blame him for being reaped. It wasn't his fault. But I missed my position as the star of the family. Yes, I know it sounds selfish. But I got used to it. I got used to the attention. If I was hurt there were four older brothers to pick me up in a minute and carry me home. Three of our brothers had made it through their eligible years without a scratch. Yes, they trained for it. That was kind of a package deal if you went to one of the better schools in the district. Going to school meant training. If you wanted to volunteer or not. So we trained. All of us. But my brothers never even talked about giving up our relatively good life for a chance at fame. Gloss did not think about it either. He would have been happy staying in the district and marrying a local girl. And so he went to his last reaping. Thinking he would be coming home just like everyone of us had. Until his name was called. Him being 16 and considered one of the best of his class meant no volunteers. And so his fate was settled. He would be the new star of the family.
To watch the games while one of your loved ones is competing was horrendous. Never before had I been so interested in them. I always watched, considering it was mandatory viewing, but they never interested me. Until now. I saw my brother shining in the tribute parade. His well toned body on display for the whole of Panem to see. He was no longer just my brother. He was a tribute. And a good one if his odds were to be believed. He scored a 10 in training and swooned the crowd with his tough yet gentle manner. Of course he would join the career pack. No surprises there. Except maybe district 4 missing out of the alliance as a whole.
I saw him change. The boy I saw in the games was not the boy I knew. After fooling around for almost a week with his fellow careers they decided to split up. He did not have to do much to get them killed though. His district partner, a beautiful girl named Diamond, was killed the next night by Lila. Lila had sneaked up on her from a tree branch and had killed here with one silent move of a knife against her throat. The district 2 female, Maple, was pecked to death by a mutt shortly after she killed her district partner Manny by throwing a knife into his gut. Which left Gloss with just Lila. Lila was sneaky. Moving around in the trees waiting for her victims to show themselves. Gloss knew that being just as smart was the only way of killing her. So he just waited. He sat at the Cornucopia relying on his sponsors for food. She could not stay hidden forever and he decided not to give her a chance to sneak up on him. So after a few hours she came out. She walked into the clearing with her eyes fixed on him. I didn't know how she planned to kill him but apparently she was done waiting. His sword at the ready while she picked up speed. It didn't take much. She tried throwing a few knives but they weren't even close to hitting him. In the end she sort of walked into his sword. While she fell to the ground tears had flown from her eyes. She had begged him to finish her. Begged him to make it quick. So he took one of her own knives and put it in her heart. Making him a victor. Making him immortal.
'Why did you not tell me before I went into the arena?'
I almost hear him thinking about the right answer.
'To make sure you would not be scared to come back. I could not change that you were going into the games. But if you were going in I wanted you to win. To come back to me. Maybe I just wanted someone who understood what I was going through. Someone I could talk to about the things that I am supposed to keep a secret.' he blurted out.
I watch as he turns around. Slowly lifting his shirt. It takes me a moment to realise what I am seeing. All over his back there are small red lines. Like something had scratched him. Not something, someone. The vague outlines of bite marks are visible on the back of his shoulder. As my fingers track the red lines I feel him shiver under my touch.
'All your dates. All the moments you left us alone at night. All the moments everybody seemed to cover your whereabouts. You were selling yourself?'
He nods silently.
'The woman at the party in Snow's mansion?'
'Not my choice.'
When Gloss had to go back to the capitol for his victory tour he had seemed scared. He did not show it but his nightmares had gotten worse. He had stayed in the capitol for over a month after his tour was finished. I had wondered what he had done all that time. Gloss had never complained about District 1. But something had drawn him to the capitol. It all made perfect sense when the stories of his excessive dating were broadcast all over Panem. Why had I not noticed? My brother had never been interested in girls before. He had never had a girlfriend. What made me think that the games had changed that part of him as well? It wasn't like him to run away with a different girl every night.
Another silence fills the air around us.
'Are the threats real?' I ask
'Yes. Snow has killed people for less than not following his orders. Remember Haymitch?'
I nod.
'They say he did something in his games that Snow did not like. He came home to find his family and girlfriend murdered for what he had done.'
So there clearly is no choice. If the treats are true. If our family is really in danger. Then there is no choice. Gloss had probably come to the exact same conclusion.
'So how does this work?' I ask
'You will get a red envelope smelling of roses. In it will be a card with a name and a time. At the time you have to be dressed up and ready downstairs. A car will take you to whomever is waiting for you. And then you just do what is asked. No complaining. Just do it. Even if it takes every little inch of your soul that is left. Don't refuse.'
I can hear the hurt in his voice. Had he ever refused anything? Were the women of the capitol that bad? I mean the games are sadistic. I am 16 and I have killed more people than I can count. But that does not mean that everyone in the capitol is like that. Apart from the fact that they buy teenagers for their own pleasure. Which is quite bad in itself I realise.
'How do you do it?' I ask.
A sudden laugh escapes his mouth.
'I am not going to give you the talk Cash. I am quite sure you know how it works.'
I can't help but smile at his comment. Sure I know how it works. Unlike my brother I have had some experience with the boys back home. Well with one boy really. Marcus had been quite a romance the year before. While Gloss was making his new life as a victor I longed for attention. Attention which Marcus gave. I didn't think I had really loved him. He was just the boy that I met when I desperately needed someone to notice me. It was innocent and short lived.
'I know how it works. I just don't know how to do it with someone who will pay for me. Who will only long for my body and nothing else.'
'You just do it. Try to forget it's happening.'
Gloss stands up from the couch and starts walking to his room. Clearly our talk is over.
'Cash, go to sleep. We will talk tomorrow. I promise.'
As he opens the door to his room I have one more question.
'Gloss, how do you forget?ยด
His eyes pierce mine. The pain clearly visible.
'I don't. I just pretend I do.'