Series: Fairy Tail
Setting: Canon Divergence, Post Tartaros. Contains spoilers from the end of the series.
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Tragedy
Pairing: ENDxOC, NatsuxOC, NatsuxLucy (one-sided/complicated), NatsuxLisanna (past/mentioned), other background relationships.
I'll take no hate for NatsuxOC, so if you want to read a NaLu story go check my other fanfic. Peace!
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Might not be suitable for readers sensitive to depression, suicide, self-harm, unhealthy thinness and weight loss due to illness, strong language, psychological abuse, character deaths, graphic violence and blood.
Full summary:
"There's one thing you've failed to understand. You can love a monster, and the monster can love you back, but love doesn't change its nature. You're allowed to have him, love him, but it's not enough. You're allowed to watch the night swallow him whole, welcome his wrath when he begins to change. You're allowed to lick your wounds when he hurts you again, and count the lights in his eyes as they blink out, but you're not allowed to save him. No light in this world can cast away the darkness within him."
E.N.D. The vilest of Zeref's creations. Ruthless, cunning demon with the deadliest bloodlust. The harbinger of doom.
Never would have Natsu known he'd find the enemy of mankind within himself, but as an immesuarable loss awakens the darkness within him, he's forced to face the truth. Drawing power from the shadows, the dimming of his inner light, the darkness grows into terrifying measures as he's slowly driven into fulfilling his destiny - killing his immortal creator.
Then, on the edge of the world, Natsu meets Zeref's apprentice, who seeks to save him from his cruel fate. Despite being demons in their own context, they become angels in each other's stories. At least for a while.
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima. Original character(s) belong to me. Lyric quotes belong to the bands mentioned below each quote.
Originally published in AO3
Prologue – HEARTS WIDE SHUT
"Whoever is sentenced to love will bow down as a servant of sorrow."
Swallow the Sun – Servant of Sorrow
The long-awaited reunion turned into farewells so fast.
Without any warning, the torn body of a dragon split the darkened sky like a crack of electric light. Drops of blood rained on the dragonslayer's pink hair, the shock of the sight painted his vision white. The earth quaked under his feet as Igneel's remains hit the ground with the gravity of mountains and the sound of the impact echoed in the barren wasteland, the deafening sound of his hope being crushed to dust.
Natsu's dreams flashed before his eyes as they were erased from his life. He had sworn he'd find Igneel, even if it would take his whole life – and he hadn't been searching him for this.
Natsu fell on his knees at the edge of the crater where the dead dragon had landed. His body shivered in terror, his stomach cramped like he'd throw up at any second. Years and years of hopeless searching ended here – the moment he had been waiting for so long slipped through his fingers like ash. He couldn't help the tears welling up in his eyes as he gazed at the tattered corpse of his father, hoping with all of his heart that Igneel would somehow move, breathe, just show the tiniest sign of being alive.
Minutes passed in eerie silence, and Igneel stayed still, too still, gone.
"Dad... you promised, right? That you wouldn't go anywhere... you can't break that promise... I've been looking for you all this time…"
Though Natsu could still hear Igneel's voice inside his head, the dragon didn't answer. Only the echo of his last words reverberated in his mind, repeating like a broken record. The brightness in his vision began to fade as he slowly came to understand the new reality, which Igneel was no longer a part of - or the hope of finding him. Igneel had already been gone for so long.
"I can read now and write... I can use magic a lot better now... I've made a lot of friends and done a lot of jobs..."
Tears vaporized the moment they hit the rocky ground and he pressed his trembling hands into stone-hard fists. Life stole Igneel from him, again. No, not life, but Acnologia. The black dragon had flown away to digest Igneel's guts and heal his own wounds, leaving so many questions unanswered and so many words unspoken.
For all these years, Igneel had been so close, yet an eternity away, at the same time. The dragon had sealed himself inside the dragonslayer's body to restore his own soul and produce antibodies to prevent Natsu from turning into a dragon himself. And now the realm Igneel had reigned was nothing but an empty, horrible void inside him which absorbed all the light from his world.
"I got a lot more I wanted to tell you, Igneel!"
Though he struggled to catch a breath from the weeping, though his legs were limp and shaky, he stood up. Upon the laws of the universe, voids always filled. Igneel's presence had kept the darkness away, and in this absence awakened a dreadful something. An unknown entity as real as a living being with a will of its own. A tremendous, demonic power overthrew Natsu's soul, and his self begun to fade as the void filled with hate.
He swallowed the tears as his sorrow transmuted into anger, burning wrath which scorched his veins. In the shape of a formless shadow, the darkness captured him into a crushing grip without an escape. But in that strangling grasp, he found strength – strength to leave this battleground behind and berserkly pursue vengeance. Only death could pay for death.
"I'm going to get a lot stronger, and then I'm going to take Acnologia down!"
The unforgiving anger fueled his mind, erasing the blurriness of sorrow and bringing him to clarity. Suddenly, his pacifist hands craved to bathe in a dragon's blood, craved to carve Acnologia's heart out for what he had done. Fairy Tail wizards don't kill their enemies, they said, but Natsu no longer remembered, or cared. As long as he'd keep the spirit of the guild in his heart, he'd overcome everything, he had thought.
But now, his heart was wide shut.
Making up his mind, setting his goal, he pulled the white, scaly scarf from his shoulders and left Igneel's corpse to decay.
A grave silence fell on everyone when Natsu appeared, covered in dirt and blood, as a changed man. A sinister, pitch-black aura surrounded him and every hint of joy had vanished from his essence. The whole guild had witnessed the death of his father, but no-one dared to say anything to him. The pity in their eyes made him sick. He had no need for it, never had. Lucy gazed at him, holding her hand over her mouth, crying. Natsu didn't need her tears either.
He didn't need any of them, anymore.
With distraught Happy following right behind him, he walked past everybody, straight to Master. Natsu gave his sacred scarf made from Igneel's scales to Makarov.
"I cannot wear it until I have defeated Acnologia", he said quietly. "Keep it safe until then."
Then Natsu left with the blue cat, without saying goodbyes. Nothing was heard of him until one gloomy day of next fall when Happy returned to Lucy.
Alone, and completely crushed.
CHAPTER 1 – WINGS OF A DRAGON
"Then from the dark, a small glimmering light did appear
With the trembling wing of a butterfly
It shone a light into my night
A halo of a childish hope, reaching
From somewhere, long since gone."
Swallow the Sun – Empires of Loneliness
There was nothing but a single step between him and eternity.
Natsu stood on the precipice, staring into the darkness spreading wide in front of him. A frigid northern gust blew from the valley straight to his face, nibbling his cheeks like needles. The sun had set a good while ago and all light had vanished from the world as the moon and the stars hid behind the clouds. For how long had he stood there listening to the howling of the wind, he didn't know. Hours, maybe. With the same thought in mind, he had returned this place for seven nights in a row.
He had come here to die.
The black cloak swayed in the air as he bent forward, peeked over the edge to the chasm below. And again, the insane urge to jump evoked. He had loved highs as a child. He had loved riding on Igneel's back as he soared through the skies, across the mountains. He had gazed at the distant, far-away lands beneath and dreamt of having dragon's wings of his own one day. But no, the wings had never grown and he stayed chained down to earth, but his love for highs hadn't disappeared. Now it had got a grimmer meaning.
Ten months had passed since Igneel died, and two of the latest he had spent in perfect solitude, roaming the endless north, trying to find opponents to match his greatly increased strength. The satisfaction of a fight had worn off months ago as he had grown stronger, stronger and stronger, into terrifying measures. Even the mightiest beasts turned into piles of ash faster than he'd like.
It had begun to scare him. The void Igneel had left in him filled with thoughts so dark, so violent he didn't recognise himself anymore. The bloodlust never eased, and he doubted if even Acnologia's blood would be enough to satiate the demonic thirst inside of him. Only death could pay for death, but how much death would be enough to fill Igneel's place?
That scared him the most, far more than the urge to step forward into nothingness.
Ever since Happy left, two months ago, this thought had grown in Natsu's mind. Would the burning rage cool down after he'd killed Acnologia? Would this thing just let him go and walk away, despite months of growing into a part of him? Each day made the answer clearer – no. The rage would never ease. Natsu had played with the thought of simply stepping over the edge and soaring through the skies like a dragon, for the first and the last time. During the last days, it had started to seem a lot more appealing ending than the other one. So far, this anger had claimed only the lives of savage beasts, but how long until it would claim the lives of humans as well?
Natsu had stayed in an abandoned hunting cabin for a week now. He had come to this precipice each night but turned away all the same. The promise he gave to Happy stood in between him and taking that final step. He had promised to come home. Now, he didn't want to, for their sake.
These days had made it so clear, so final that one day the demons would win, and Natsu wanted to be alone when that would happen. Even better, he wanted to be gone. Natsu knew it would break their hearts, but if they had just known how he felt, how the darkness suffocated his inner flame, they'd surely understand.
Today he wouldn't turn back.
Natsu sat down on the edge and swayed his feet in the open air. Rocks detached from the crag and fell into the abyss, hit the ground so far below the voice couldn't carry up to him. Maybe a thousand feet of free fall would surely end it all. A few more minutes and he'd follow the rocks into his grave. There would be an interval of deepest darkness in the world, then the colours would return. He'd find peace and freedom, he'd die knowing his darkened heart wouldn't hurt anyone, anymore, evermore. He'd die as himself before ultimately turning into something else.
Yet he still hesitated.
The wind had frozen his fingers numb and white. He listened to the silence and his own heartbeat which echoed in his ears, drumming a nervous melody of an animal who fought for his life. His body would do anything to stay alive, despite his mind was screaming to let go, before it would be too late. Before the anger would finally take over him and he'd hurt those he cared for. His arms stiffened, fingers grabbed the cold stone beneath him. Today, he would not turn back. He would not. Would not.
His body failed to persuade his mind to stay, for reason had won over his heart. There were no other options than to wipe himself from existence before this darkness would finally take over him – he had seen what happened to those who dwelled in the dark for too long. He knew, he had seen it, then why was it so hard to just let go? His arms froze, refusing to push him over the edge.
Then he remembered one more thing. It was the last rule for someone leaving Fairy Tail.
Though our paths may have diverged, you must continue to live out your life with all your might, you must never consider your own life to be something insignificant, and you must never forget about your friends for as long as you live.
Natsu bit his tongue. It had been so long since he had last cried, but now the tears came, uninvited, unwanted, interrupting his lonely farewell ceremony. He didn't want to leave like this, with tears in his eyes. There was no reason to cry. He hadn't forgotten about his friends. He was doing this for them, in the end.
You don't die for your friends, you live for them.
Pressing his nails to the rock beneath, he gave hope one last chance. For these damn friends.
"Would there still be anything worth reaching for?" he whispered, his voice rough and quiet. He hadn't spoken a word in weeks. The wind howled in the distance as if giving him an answer in a language he didn't understand. It didn't matter what the wind had to tell. His heart said no.
"Would there be any light or goodness left in me, if I lived? If I turned back?"
His words broke, echoed in the obscurity before they faded away. He stared down into the dark, bottomless pit, hearing nothing but its call. And again, his heart said no.
"Would I ever get a second chance, and live my life without all this endless hate?"
Faces of his friends flashed before his eyes, faded images of happy yesterdays. Happy's laughter, Lucy's smile, both he would never see again. But the thought of them not being able to smile or laugh ever again after what he was going to do crushed his soul – but when his heart still said no, Natsu knew the time had come.
Just a moment before he pushed himself over the edge, a light ignited in the distance. The small fire burst like the brightest star in his soft, dark womb, shattering his vision of peaceful death. The ground was so horribly far below, and the distance made him shiver in fear. Never had he feared the highs, but now fright petrified his muscles as survival instinct took over his body. He closed his eyes but couldn't forget the distant light. Natsu cursed himself with the vilest words he knew and failed to find the strength to overthrow his senses.
Why did it have to be so hard to take your own life? All the glory of terminating himself before turning into a monster vanished, maybe it never existed in the first place. There was seldom any glory in death, after all.
"Never thought there would be a queue for suicide", a woman's voice said behind him, breaking the false image of perfect solitude. "We're living dark times, aren't we?"
Startled, Natsu turned towards the voice. He hadn't sensed anyone coming and stared at the stranger who had appeared from the night. Only thin outlines and a pale face contrasted against the dark forest, her clothes wavering in the wind like a black moth's wings.
"It's not a queue", Natsu hissed. "There's plenty of room on the edge if you want to go. Leave me alone."
He had stopped breathing the moment he heard her voice. Not knowing what to do, how to react, the familiar anger began to boil inside him, as it always did. This stranger was nothing but a delay on his way to freedom. And he'd do anything to get rid of all delayments.
"I've heard that the shock kills you before you hit the ground", she told. "But you're not going to do it."
Natsu did not understand. Seconds passed in silence and suddenly he understood that the insane courage to answer the void's call was gone. Only fear was left. His mortal coil had won, again, and his mind screamed in frustration. The dark clouds on the sky parted and the moon shone its gentle light on the cliff.
"Just go. I'd really want to die alone", Natsu pleaded.
"It would be more poetic that way, I'll give you that."
Moonlight danced on Natsu's pink hair, grown long enough to reach his shoulders. The light revealed the stranger's features as well – she was a young woman, looking more exhausted and tired than she sounded like. She had been out there in the cold wilderness for a long time. A black dress hung loosely on her body and she held tight on a leather bag on her shoulder. Messy, dark-brown curls framed her face and something in her large eyes made Natsu so uneasy as if she could see right into his soul. She analyzed him as if trying to recognise a familiar stranger, trying to remember a name.
And the wings of the dragon Natsu was just about to gain withered to dust at her sight.
"I can push you over the edge if you want", Natsu snarled at her, "or send you flying with a fire dragon's iron fist, if that's what you prefer."
Her eyes widened.
"You're Natsu Dragneel", she discovered, and her expression changed completely. She fell on her knees as exhaustion took over her and stared at him in awe. It disturbed him deeply that she knew his name.
"Trust me, there's nothing in the world that you could say to make me stay -"
"I believe this belongs to you!" she said with her final strength and pulled something white from her bag. Natsu's heart skipped a beat.
It was Igneel's scarf.
Author's Note:
This story is about E.N.D overthrowing Natsu's real self and his fight against the inner demons, therefore Natsu will appear OOC a lot, but it's fully intentional. I started writing this in 2019, and I'm planning on creating a different version of this sometime in the future, but I'll finish this one first.
Please note that English is not my mother tongue, but I'm doing my best and getting better every day.
Feedback is very welcomed! A massive thanks to anyone who likes and reviews.