"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in the case of the people versus William Lewis, have you reached a verdict?"
God, her chest hurt.
"We have, your honor, but before we read it—"
Olivia blinked. What?
"—many of us have serious reservations about the conduct of detective Benson—"
They don't believe me.
"—that we're not sure how to address."
No. Her eyes flicked over to him without her permission as her hands curled up into balls, her nails cutting into her palms. Her vision swam in and out of focus but she still saw his smug little glance, still felt her skin crawl.
"That's not in your purview."
Olivia couldn't make out Judge Kofax's face—she blinked again—but he sounded annoyed. Good. He should be.
"Still, we want that on the record."
Fuck you.
"Proceed."
This was it. Her ears were ringing.
"On the charge of attempted murder, we find the defendant, William Lewis, not guilty."
No. Her stomach plummeted.
"On the charge of attempted rape, we find the defendant not guilty."
No. NO. Everything was hot and the floor was tilting and he was going to get away with it. Her eyes began to burn as adrenaline and fear had her poised to flee, "I gotta go," she whispered. Only Brian's whisper in her ear and his hands on her arms kept her still. They weren't done yet.
The jury forewoman continued to speak, "On the charge of assault on a police officer, we find the defendant guilty."
Guilty. The word echoed in her ears as her eyes closed, and she let out a shaky hiss. Her body was shaking, her head fell back. Guilty.
"On the charge of kidnapping, we find the defendant guilty."
Guilty. It was over. It was all she could think; she barely registered Brian kissing her hair. It was over.
"Members of the jury, the state of New York thanks you for your service. You are dismissed."
Whispering and movement broke out around her. Judge Kofax was still talking but his words couldn't break through the haze that had taken over her mind. Her hands began to uncurl, palms stinging, and she turned to Amaro beside her who gripped her forearm and gave him a weak smile. At the sharp crack of the gavel, Barba turned around in his chair in front of her to face her and they locked eyes.
"You did it, counselor." Fin's voice came from behind her as she stood to face Barba who made his way over with a little smile.
Amaro was quick to correct Fin, "Liv did it."
The words fell from her lips as Barba reached her, "I can't believe it's over." Her voice sounded fragile. She felt fragile.
"It's over," Cragen agreed, but Olivia didn't respond as Barba's smile became hidden behind his professional mask.
"I'm gonna request the maximum," he stated as he cocked his head, ensuring she was with him. "25 to life."
Olivia felt a rush of gratitude that brought a lump to her throat as she nodded, not trusting herself to speak. All she could manage was a small albeit strained smile. Barba seemed to understand how close she was to crying and simply nodded in return before breaking away.
Brian was quick to speak. "Let's get you home," he said, his eyes gentle as he placed his hand on her arm. She continued to stare and made no move to leave, not yet. She needed to feel the ground beneath her, to allow herself to breathe, to be sure she could walk without collapsing first. "Liv, you coming?"
As Olivia tore her eyes away from the back of Barba's head, she turned to see Brian's face filled with concern. She blinked and nodded once more.
"Yes," she managed over the lump in her throat, her voice barely above a whisper. She swallowed heavily to no avail, "Could you just give me a minute?"
Brian, thankfully, nodded. "Okay."
She sucked in a shaky breath as he turned to leave her alone. Her eyes flicked back to Barba who was flipping through some papers before movement caught her eye.
Lewis.
He was staring at her. Her vision tunneled and the courtroom faded as they locked eyes. The barely concealed rage she saw there, the set of his jaw, the way his nostrils flared... It stole her breath and made her heart pound. She was frozen. Time seemed to stretch on, trapping her there with him until he finally stepped through the doorway and their sickening connection shattered. Olivia shook her head frantically as the noises of her surroundings hit her in full force and the tension that had held her together through this ordeal released her, leaving her body weak and shaky. So weak in fact that by the time her vision cleared she was shocked to find herself moving, stumbling away from people from all those eyes, instinctively finding her way to—she pushed open the door—a stairwell. She gripped the rail making it halfway down before her legs gave out and she gave in, sobs finally racking her body.
Guilty.
There had been no pride, no triumph when Rafael heard the word. Only relief. Pure, intense, raw relief. Especially after those first two verdicts. Those two little words had stabbed through his stomach sharper than any knife could, leaving dread instead of blood in its wake. Dread that had fortunately been soothed by his relief, placated by hers, and dispelled by the gratitude she'd silently shown him when she realized she'd never see the bastard again. And she wouldn't. He would make sure of it this time.
Guilty.
A part of him whispered nastily in his ear that he didn't deserve her gratitude, unspoken or otherwise, not after last time, not after the mistrial but he pushed the thought away. Deserved or not, her gratitude was there. He had heard it in her voice, seen it in her eyes, seen it in the way her lips had pressed together as she smiled at him, a smile so reminiscent of the one she'd given him their first time prepping her testimony.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly, his forehead wrinkled with concern.
The tight-lipped smile she gave him didn't reach her eyes. "I'm fine Barba."
"Are you su—"
"Stop. Please," she pled, voice rough with emotion.
He immediately froze. Panic crept into his voice, "I'm so sorry, Liv, what can I—"
"Don't!" Her voice was as shrill as he'd ever heard it and damn it scared him. And confused him.
Olivia was flushed, her eyes red and wet as her bottom lip quivered, "You don't understand."
"What don't I understand?"
She couldn't look at him, "I'll never get through this if you keep being nice to me."
He blinked. "What?"
"I'm sorry, I just—You're gonna make me cry."
He nodded slowly as realization dawned. He knew just what to say. His expression grew uncharacteristically solemn."I'll never be nice to you again."
She let out a little huff of amusement, swiping furiously under her eyes, "At least until after we get through this. Until this is over," she looked embarrassed, "Again, I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he said, a little surprised to find he meant it, "I am the one making you cry after all."
She rolled her eyes at him as Rafael pressed on with their preparations, having carefully tucked this conversation and the question of what it all meant in the back of his head for later. In the end, he came to the conclusion that he had no idea what it meant but the fact his concern could draw such emotion from her? Well, that left him oddly touched.
And just as he was touched then, he was touched now. It had been brief but the entire time, from the moment he'd turned around in his chair to the moment he'd nodded and left her to that smile... Her eyes hadn't left his once. Why it was this Rafael chose to focus on as he flipped through his papers unseeingly, he didn't know, but he had no time to dwell on that or the warmth in his chest. A strangled noise from behind him stole his attention and he looked up.
Lewis was staring at her. The venom in his glare caused Barba's stomach to drop as his head whipped back to see Olivia caught in Lewis's gaze, her face white and her eyes wide. Her body was so tense. A familiar rage began to bubble up in his stomach at her fear until it quickly morphed into concern as Olivia stumbled back almost robotically and bolted.
Rafael reacted immediately, tossing the papers in his hand haphazardly into his briefcase as he scanned the courtroom for Cassidy or Amaro. They weren't there. Fuck.
Indecision stalled him momentarily as he tapped his fingers against his briefcase until his eyes landed on the empty chair Lewis had been occupying. His eyes narrowed. He couldn't leave her. The case was over; he no longer had to dance along the line of personal and professional, worrying every second of the way that he'd once again be the reason Lewis walked free. His mind was made up. He gave a sharp nod to no one, dropped his briefcase, and turned the way she'd fled.
He'd been her lawyer. Now was time to be her friend.
A part of her vaguely wondered if this was what melting felt like as the cold lump of pent-up emotion in Olivia's body began to slowly thaw and leak out of her with every strangled sob. Her eyes burned, tears streamed hot and wet down her cheeks, and her nose wouldn't stop running no matter how much she sniffled, leaving her damp and drained. Her hand clutched the railing as she continued to slowly expel all the feelings she'd hidden away throughout all this when the sound of the door opening yanked her back to reality. Fuck.
She didn't move, couldn't move as footsteps sounded out over her ragged breathing. When they stopped next to her, Olivia grit her teeth and continued to stare at the floor expecting Brian or Nick.
"Liv?"
Her head shot up in spite of herself, "Barba?"
His eyes were soft as he gestured next to her, "Can I sit?"
Still blinking with surprise she nodded, not bothering to hide the way she swiped at her tears as he sat, "What are you doing here?"
"Checking in on my friend," he said simply.
His kind expression became too much to bear and she turned her head, "I'm fine."
"Bullshit," he said, not unkindly.
She couldn't help it. Olivia's face crumpled once more as her shoulders began to shake. She could almost feel Barba watching her and the icy knot in her chest splintered a little as shame and embarrassment washed over her. Her eyes began to burn once more and she opened her mouth to beg him to leave but was stopped by the comforting warmth on his hand on her back. The splinters melted into tears.
Rafael waited for her sobs to cease. "I'm sorry," he murmured after a minute or two, his remorse obvious.
Olivia sucked in a shaky breath and cleared her throat, "Don't be, you're right," her head dropped into her hands, muffling her voice, "I'm not fine."
"You know," Barba said after a moment, "I've been told I'm a good listener."
Her head shot up from her hands, giving him a look so incredulous and disbelieving that he couldn't help but laugh.
"When I let someone else get a word in that is," he amended.
Olivia shook her head smiling little at his antics. When he continued to say nothing, waiting for her to speak, her face grew somber. She sucked in a shaky breath and dived in. "I know I said it's over, and-and it is," she began, her voice breaking off as her eyes squeezed shut.
Rafael's heart ached. "But...?"
"But it's not over," she cried, "It still happened! And I have to live with that. I have to move past it," she said spitefully as if quoting someone.
"If anyone can it's you." His voice was quiet but deadly serious.
Olivia's lips twitched upwards before her eyes narrowed. "Since when are you so... nice?"
Rafael rolled his eyes, "I'm always nice."
"No you're not," she said bluntly.
He smirked, "I did tell you that I'd never be nice to you again, remember?" he half-joked, his heart clearly not in it. After a second he frowned, "This trial has been hell," Barba stated, staring at nothing. Olivia silently agreed, waiting for him to continue. "It was hell for so many reasons Liv, but mostly because I couldn't be there for you like I really wanted to." She looked confused. "I couldn't be your friend because I had to be your prosecutor," he elaborated bitterly, "Above all I had to be damn sure I didn't mess this up." His eyes darkened, "Again."
Olivia immediately shot him a sharp look, "It wasn't your fault!" she said hotly, "The mistrial."
Rafael shrugged, "Logically, I know that,"
"But...?" she prompted.
"I still feel guilty. If I'd tried harder or—"
She cut him off with a spirited glare. "Stop that. You have nothing to be guilty for."
He gave her a shy smile, "Thank you." Silence fell once more as they sat there until Barba looked at her accusingly, "Wait a minute. How did this get around to you making me feel better?"
Olivia gave him a wry smile, "I'm good at what I do counselor,"
"Mhmm..." he hummed, crossing his arms as he scowled.
Her laugh at his expression faded quickly as her eyebrows furrowed. "I hate that you know everything," she stated suddenly.
His eyes grew distant. "I'm sorry."
Olivia ignored his apology, continuing as if he said nothing, "Although," he looked over at her curiously, "Trial or not, I suppose if I had to tell anyone, I'd choose to tell you,"
Rafael's mouth dropped open, utterly shocked. As he struggled for words, Olivia blushed.
"Really?" he finally choked out.
"Yeah," she shrugged, "You don't... treat me differently," her face twisted with disgust," Like I'm fragile."
"Why would I?"
Olivia looked at him as if he were stupid.
He didn't back down, "Why would I? You're not fragile, Liv. No one fragile could survive what you did let alone take him to court. You are not fragile." He looked annoyed now, "Who the hell is treating you like that?" She didn't say anything. "Fine, don't tell me, but whoever they are, they're an idiot," he said bluntly.
She smirked a little at that. "Whatever Barba."
He shook his head at her stubbornness but dropped it. After a moment, he was reminded of something. "I'm going to request that the records for this trial be sealed," he said, eyeing her to gauge her reaction.
"You can do that?" she asked, hope creeping into her voice.
"I can certainly try," he said confidently.
She gave him a broad smile. "Thank you."
A comfortable silence fell over them once more and Olivia found herself instinctively relaxing as a wave of exhaustion hit her hard. Her eyes drifted shut. The sound of Rafael breathing next to her was oddly soothing and before she could overthink anything she found herself leaning her head against his shoulder. His eyes widened in surprise but he said nothing as she let out a sigh.
"You're a good friend Barba."
Warmth bloomed in his chest as he smiled down at her, "I try, Liv."
Her lips twitched, "I know."
So this is what melting feels like...