THIS IS ALLEY'S FANFICTION ARCHIVE. PRESENTING STORIES FROM YESTERYEAR.
Today's story:
SPOCK SHOCK
By Sherna Comerford
From: Spockanalia Vol 1, Published in May 1968
DISCLAIMER: Alley McNally has nothing to do with the writer above. Or Spockanalia. Nor does she own the copyright to this poem or Star Trek as a whole. This is presented in an effort to archive older Fanficts. She may or may not even like Star Trek. You will have to ask to find out.
ALLEY'S NOTE: This is apparently a screenplay that Ms. Comerford wrote featuring Spock. Who is called Swook in this story. It is not a typo. His name is Swook or Swock. She uses both to indicate Mr. Spock. Since the vast majority are Swock, that is the name that I will be using. I have done my best to replicate her original work. However, the zine does include some interesting artwork that I cannot post here. Sadly, does not have the ability to add photos. If you want to check out the original piece, please head over to . Thank you.
(The scene opens on the spacious bridge of the USS Undersize. Captain Curt is in his control chair. At the helm is Lieutenant Solo; the navigator is Lt. Smiley. Also on duty are First Officer Swook, Lt. Alura, and several others who are busily looking efficient.)
CAPTAIN: Senor reading, Mr. Swock.
SWOOK: Affirmative, Captain. Sensors report a series of protoplasmic bodies, ranging around 61 kilos each, at a mean temperature of 37 degrees centigrade. They appear to be moving actively.
CAPTAIN: In space, Mr. Swock? Can you account for this?
SWOCK: (Fiddles with dials) Affirmative, Captain. The sensors were focused on the female yeomen's quarters. I believe Doctor McA, was the last one to . . . .
CAPTAIN: Er . . . yes, that will do, Mr. Swock. Are there any signs of those anomalous readings we've been getting recently?
SWOCK: Negative, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Where's Dr. McA?
ALURA: I believe he's on the ski slope, sir.
CAPTAIN: Just a moment, Lieutenant.
CHORUS (everyone except for Captain and Swock): Yes, sir!
CAPTAIN: Lieutenant Alura, we have a dozen recreation rooms on board this vessel. We have a theatre, and we even have a bowling alley. But I refuse to believe that we have a ski slope.
ALURA: I didn't write the script, sir.
(COMMUNICATOR) Spott to bridge.
CAPTAIN: Curt here, Mr. Spott.
SPOTT: Ach McFain wearer wot i' hight nict daft wee mear.
CAPTAIN: Mr. Swock, did you understand that?
SWOCK: Affirmative, Captain. With my Volcanoan hearing, I was able to distinguish one word and two prefixes, which leads me to the logical conclusion that he said, "Captain, I've just discovered the reason why our equipment is always breaking down at the critical moment."
CAPTAIN: Why, Mr. Spott? Is it sabotage? Do we have a traitor on board?
SPOTT: Dinnae frish ye ken o'gennell, faith.
SWOCK: He said, sir, that we have termites.
CAPTAIN: Curt to pesticide lab.
(COMMUNICATOR) Lieutenant Flit here, sir.
CAPTAIN: Lieutenant . . .
CHORUS: Yes, sir.
CAPTAIN: Lieutenant Flit. I want a pesticide that will free this ship of termites. You have one hour.
FLIT: Captain, such a chemical has been mathematically proven to be impossible.
CAPTAIN: All right, two hours. Curt out.
DOCTOR McA: (entering bridge) You wanted me, James.
CAPTAIN: Yes, Boney, What do . . .
DR. McA: (Interrupting) Well, look who's here! The jolly green giant!
SWOCK: Dr. McA, you are behaving like a human.
DR. McA: And don't you forget it! I've been wondering about something, Swocky, old boy. What are Volcanoan women like?
SWOCK: In what respect?
DR. McA: Posterioventrally. By the way, Mr. Swock, considering the impossible genetic situation, how is it you were born?
SWOCK: Dr. McA., logically . . .
ALURA: I'm getting a signal.
CAPTAIN: Let's hear it, Lieutenant.
CHORUS: Yes, sir!
(COMMUNICATOR) You are now bolding going where no man has gone before. We will not be responsible for the consequences. This is a recording.
SWOCK: That is totally illogical.
SOLO: If he says that word once more, I'll lose my mind.
SWOCK: Mr. Solo, you are not behaving logically.
(Solo stands up straight, a beautiful [albeit foolish] smile lighting his face. One hand is at his side, the other across his chest.)
DR. McA: I believe Mr. Solo thinks he's Napoleon.
SWOCK: Mr. Solo is alone in his opinion.
SOLO: (sings) O Solo Mio . . .
ALURA: He's doing a solo.
CAPTAIN: He looks sallow.
SOLO: You have no soul.
DR. McA: Why Mr. Swock, are you making a joke?
SWOCK: Affirmative, Dr. McA.
DR. McA: But jokes are illogical!
(Swock's eyes widen slightly. His chin rises a half an inch. It is clear that he is extremely agitated.)
SWOCK: Doctor, it was not my intention . . . (From beyond the hull of the ship there is heard a roll of thunder.) . . .. I was not actually . . . (On the bridge, above the heads o the crew, gather black, angry thunder clouds.) . . . I appear to have made an error.
(Swiftly and cleanly comes the stroke of lightning which cuts down the hapless of Voloanoan. Maniacal laughter sounds in the distance. Blackout.)
WOW that is the biggest rabbit hole so far. Yet, I find myself almost enjoying it. but what did you think? Do you want more stories out of Spocknalia? Please let me know in the reviews. Thank you.