An Abzorbaloff is sat on a park bench, contemplating life as he watches the sun set over the lake in front of him.
Abzorbaloff: I've been doing some thinking.
Mia: Humming to herself
Abzorbaloff: Mia! Hey Mia! Clom calling Mia!
Mia: Wha? Huh? What?
Abzorbaloff: I want to talk to you about something.
Mia: Since when did you want to talk to me about anything?
Abzorbaloff: I've been thinking about something for a while now, and I need your perspective Mia.
Mia: Sighs. Fine…
Abzorbaloff: I've been beginning to wonder whether absorbing people is in some way unethical.
Mia: Expand…
Abzorbaloff: Well, I'm not sure whether this is just me becoming all sentimental, but I'm starting to worry that absorption causes some kind of harm to those involved.
Mia: I… Wha… I… I can't quite believe what I'm hearing.
Abzorbaloff: Ahhh. So never mind then.
Mia: What? No!
Abzorbaloff: No?
Mia: No!
Abzorbaloff: So… wait I'm confused. Are you saying it does cause harm?
Mia: Yes!
Abzorbaloff: Well… Well I'm not sure I fully understand. How has it affected your life?
Mia: How has you absorbing me affected my life? Hmmm let me think…
Abzorbaloff: Take your time…
Mia: I don't need to.
Abzorbaloff: So what is it then?
Mia: Well, there's the small matter of having my entire life torn away from me in an instant.
Abzorbaloff: I see. At least it's just a small matter.
Mia: No, you big green idiot! You took away everything I ever cared about! I have nothing left to do now except hang here and wait until I dissolve and die, and it's all because you absorbed me.
Abzorbaloff: Oh…
Mia: Yeah.
Abzorbaloff: I'm… I'm sorry…
Mia: You should be. You ruined my life, and the lives of countless others before me.
Abzorbaloff: Pauses. You know, if I could unabsorb you, I'd do it. Right now. You'd be free to go and live your life again.
Mia: Yeah. Well, you can't.
Abzorbaloff: Help me.
Mia: What?
Abzorbaloff: Help me to do something about it.
Mia: You can't do anything about it. I'm stuck here until the day I rot.
Abzorbaloff: No, I mean help me to become better.
Mia: Better how?
Abzorbaloff: If what you're saying is true, then I've wronged a lot of people. I want to finally bring some good into the world. Would you help me with that?
Mia: Well, if you really care about making things right, you can start by turning around.
Abzorbaloff: Turning around?
Mia: Yeah. Every time you come to this spot you sit facing the lake.
Abzorbaloff: Well, why wouldn't I? It's where the view is. Behind me is just a wall with graffiti on it.
Mia: I know. I'm looking at it. I know it very well; it's an eyesore. But I'm forced to look at it every time you come here.
Abzorbaloff: Really? Why?
Mia: Because I'm on your back and you always have your back to it…
Abzorbaloff: Oh. I hadn't thought about that.
Mia: No. But if you want to start making things right you can turn around and let me look at the view.
Abzorbaloff: Fine. Shuffles around on his seat.
Abzorbaloff: Better?
Mia: You're right. This is a pleasant view. So tranquil on an evening like this.
Abzorbaloff: Yeah, it is. Ugh, this wall really is gross.
Mia: I told you.
Abzorbaloff: I'll… I'll just turn back for a second…
Mia: No you won't.
Abzorbaloff: Just for a moment to look at the lake, and then I'll…
Mia: No. I'm still looking at the lake.
Abzorbaloff: When do I get to look at the lake?
Mia: Whenever you like. You can turn your head. I can't, because you absorbed me and took away everything in my life.
Abzorbaloff: I wish you'd stop bringing that up.
Mia: I won't. Turn your head if you want to look at the lake.
Abzorbaloff: Hey… hey Mia… there's a young male over there dropping a used can on the ground. He shouldn't be doing that, right?
Mia: No, he shouldn't.
Abzorbaloff: Thought not.
Mia: You know, you could pick up the litter.
Abzorbaloff: I could?
Mia: Yeah. If you want to turn over a new leaf and do good in the world…
Abzorbaloff: I can do one better than that.
The Abzorbaloff stands up, picks up the can, and chases after the teenage boy who dropped the litter.
Abzorbaloff: Towers over boy. I saw what you did, human boy! You think you can just drop this on the ground and get away with it? This park is a place for everybody, you know!
Teenager: Trembling. I'm… I'm sorry…
Abzorbaloff: Do you know what I can do to you, boy? One touch, and…
Mia: Turn around…
Abzorbaloff: Crushes can in his hand. One touch and I will absorb you. I have a mind to…
Mia: Enough! This isn't helping.
Abzorbaloff: It isn't?
Mia: Just… turn around and let me handle it. Please?
Abzorbaloff: Ok… Turns around.
Mia: Sorry about him, he's… uhh... going through something. Now, you're going to take this can, and put it in that bin over there. And then you're going to do the same for every can, wrapper and packet you will ever hold in your quivering hands from now on. Kapeesh?
The teenager nods fearfully, before taking the crushed can and scampering towards the bin.
Abzorbaloff: Remember, if you ever drop any litter again, I'll absorb you, little human!
Teenager screams a little as he puts the can in the bin and runs away.
Mia: He's messing with you!
Abzorbaloff: No I'm not…
Mia: Yes you are.
Abzorbaloff: Well, I think that went well. If I hadn't been here this evening, then that can would still be on the ground.
Mia: How does it feel?
Abzorbaloff: I get this warm feeling, like I've accomplished something. Come on! I want to do some more good deeds.
Mia: Ok, I can work with this. You keep doing as many good deeds as you can, and I'll be your conscience. I'll do whatever I can to make sure you don't stray from your new path.
Abzorbaloff: You would do that?
Mia: It's not like I have anything else to do with my time.
Abzorbaloff: True.
Mia: I need you to promise me something though.
Abzorbaloff: What is it?
Mia: No more absorbing. Ever.
Abzorbaloff: Never?
Mia: No.
Abzorbaloff: But not even when…
Mia: No.
Abzorbaloff: But what if they really…
Mia: No. There will be no more absorbing.
Abzorbaloff: Wow. You must feel really strongly about being absorbed.
Mia: Yes. It heavily affects me daily, and not for the better.
Abzorbaloff: Well, OK. If it means that much to you.
Mia: It does.
Abzorbaloff: In that case, I think I need a new name.
Mia: A new name?
Abzorbaloff: Yeah. If I can't absorb anybody anymore, then I can hardly call myself 'Abzorbaloff', can I?
Mia: I always thought it was a little on the nose.
Abzorbaloff: What's a word meaning the opposite of absorb?
Mia: Exude?
Abzorbaloff: Aha! Then I shall forever be known as the Exudaloff!
Mia: Ah… okay.
Exudaloff: Come on Mia! Let's go and do some more good deeds! Runs off into the distance.
Mia: I'm right here with you. Not that I had much of a choice...