"I've agonized over this. I've thought about it, I've suffered for it. Its because of that, that I'm giving up. I'm sick of it, again and again."
Rem's face became somber as she watched Subaru languished before her. Her fist lightly clenched as she thought of what words to use. An image sprung up and seared itself into her memory. Twisted and ruined, her body on auto pilot as Subaru held her dying body. The pain still lingering like a ghost inside her flesh and bones. Rem closed her eyes as memories washed over her.
Eyeing the back of his head as he ducked away into a room Rem watched silently. Curious over his condition evident on the panic in his face she quietly strode forward towards his door. Her eyes widened as she heard sobbing. He'd been acting strange ever since he woke up in the castle, treating her almost like she was a walking plague. Mustering up the courage she reached for the door handle only to stop as the door gave out a loud thud. Not unlike the sound of a head slamming against it. Frozen with her hand hovering over the handle she listened in silence as Subaru Natuski broke down.
"Why, why me. Why do I have to suffer. Again and again. Time after time. I try my best, but everything and everyone in this world wants to kill me. Why am I here if its just to suffer. All I do is drag down Mili. Rem even killed me! WHY?! I'm just trying to fit in and make Emilia happy. Make everyone happy!"
Rem's face grew quite confused as the claim settled in her head. Surely she'd remember ever murdering Subaru. More to the point why would she? Sure he could be annoying sometimes, but he wasn't a bad person, she could tell that.
"Sometimes... I just wish I could stay dead. But Return by Death won't let me. I just die, and die and die and die. It feels like no matter what changes I make I'm forced to suffer. I don't wanna die anymore."
The blue haired maid quirked her head at the words. Subaru Natsuki must have truly lost his mind. Looking at the door handle once more she sighed ever so faintly. Turning around she headed away, steady sobbing echoing in her ears. Perhaps Beatrice could enlighten her about whatever this Return by Death that was hurting poor Subaru Natuski.
xXx
Creaking open and shutting, the door and the maid's heels were the only sound other then the occasional page turning as Beatrice seemingly ignored Rem's presence.
"Beatrice."
The guard of the Forbidden Library stopped mid page flip, and glanced up at Rem, clearly hearing Rem's soft voice. Sighing with disdain the blonde spirit shook her head. "What do you want I suppose?"
Rem bowed slightly. "I'm sorry for bothering you but I have a few inquiries I was hoping you could help me answer."
Beatrice raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps. To be quite honest I expected you be annoying Subaru, barging in again."
Rem giggled to herself at that. He could be quite annoying, but it was charming in a sense.
Then the recent memories of him sobbing, begging to die, swam over her.
"Beatrice...is it possible for a person to be cursed to never die?"
The blonde having returned to her reading shrugged. "I would highly doubt it. Curses are usually used to cause a person to die. Not prevent it I suppose."
Rem being the ever dutiful maid, refilled Beatrice's tea before sitting with her at the table.
"What if it were to let you die and somehow bring you back? Forcing you to suffer, to Return by Death?"
Beatrice paused mid sip.
"I know of no magic like that, that is a curse."
Rem's eyes looked down at the book on the small round table before her head shot up.
"Wait, that is a curse? You mean there is something?"
Beatrice pouted.
"I'm not inclined to tell you I suppose."
Rem stared Beatrice down, not saying a word. The blonde pretended to notice nothing as she 'read' her book.
'StareStareStareStare'
"No."
'StareStareStareStare' A miniscule bead of sweat formed on her temple as Rem's gaze held fast.
"FINE!" Beatrice stood up with a loud huff, closing the book in her hand she turned away from the blue haired demon. Stomping away she slid the book she carried into an empty slot in the book shelf. Beatrice about-faced, raised her hand and the shelf before her sunk into the floor, another replacing its place soon after, eyes looking up and down Beatrice motioned her hand once more and the shelf cycling repeated.
Seemingly pleased, Beatrice stepped forward and grasped a tome bound in golden metal. A silver sigil the shape of a two horned dragon emblazoned on its face.
Sitting down before Rem she placed the book on the table. With a noticeable thud it was sat before the two of them, with a pout Beatrice snapped her fingers and the clasps on the book released with a sudden but single uniform action. Opening it, Rem's eyes were greeted by golden paper filled with electric blue text. Too her it almost seemed as if the writing was alive. Unable to read any of it however she looked up into Beatrice butterfly marked eyes, waiting for a further comment.
"This is the gospel of Volcanica."
Rem didn't react, the blonde had simply said the words as if it was common knowledge.
"Gospel? Volcanica?" Rem looked with an even more piercing stare this time directly at the book, almost as if wishing it'd catch on fire.
Beatrice waved her companies worries away.
"You needn't fret, there isn't another cult to worry about like the Witch's Cult." Beatrice leaned back fingers to her chin in thought as she kicked her legs in the air.
"No, no this is far more tame, I suppose. In fact an example of it would be the way in which the Council of Wise men track the prophecy. Its a copy of the pages in this tome. Magically of course, as this book is here, I suppose." Rem nodded in understanding.
The attitude of the conversation shifted as Beatrice thumbed over another page, sparkles of electricity shot up from one page to the other in several arcs. While 'just a book' to Rem it almost felt alive, like the pages were breathing and thriving with life. This was not something she was supposed to be present before.
"You asked if there was some form of curse that lets one...Return by Death, whatever that might be. As far as my knowledge goes, there is not, I suppose." Beatrice thumbed over another page, as her eyes passed over the blue text, she took another sip of her tea.
"There is something that is possibly the same as what you're looking for. A blessing of sorts, I suppose."
Rem sipped her own tea, enamored by the events before her.
"Long ago, when The contract with Volcanica was formed if this book is to be believe, it wasn't the Lion King that made the contract. It was made by a lone maiden, thusly titled the Dragon Maiden. What history doesn't cover is that her life was forfeited for the Kingdom of Lugnica, I suppose." She flipped another page.
"A ritual was performed on her, her body was completely obliterated. The life energy she held was used for what was believed to make a weapon or a charm to protect the Lion King. Or worse a curse, I suppose." Flipping faster and faster Beatrice finally stopped suddenly before sighing. Flipping around the book she pointed to an array of some sort, instead of blue like the other text or even black like standard ink it was a sickly green. Rem felt mildly sick just looking at the colour, it felt like she was sinking into an abyss. Then as if it never happened, Beatrice's words snapped her out of it.
"Yes a delightfully nasty bit of magic, is it not? While I'm not entirely sure how it works, what this tome tells me is that it does something similar to what you described. Return by Death would imply, that he's coming back, but if he were to die, enough to have a mental break down, would we not be aware of these deaths? Whatever the cause, we'd see his body at the least. Something that would remind us of him. But there is nothing but what we have."
Rem's head started to ache at the round about words.
"What are you trying to say Beatrice?"
"Make a contract with me, or else this conversation ends here, I suppose."
Rem's eyes shot open. She contemplated the significance of the demand. She wanted to unravel Subaru's situation.
"What are your terms?"
Beatrice raised her nose in satisfaction.
"You must never speak to anyone of this book, other then me. However one exception is allowed. Subaru, in the event that you finally unravel what it is that afflicts him, you can speak freely of any of these moments and anything in this book you've seen thus far."
Rem didn't say anything, and then more time passed in silence. Then more...and more.
"Nani, that's all you demand?" Rem laughed nervously in disbelief.
Beatrice huffed. She picked up the tea cup before her and downed it in one final gulp.
"Do you accept?"
Rem hesitated for one moment, before raising her hand palm up for Beatrice to take it, and that she did. A cyan hue started to form between there held hands, and in a flash it covered them and faded. Beatrice nodded with satisfaction, nose held high.
"What you are currently looking at is the Blessing of Volcanica. It is a ritual that binds you to someone or something for eternity. Its design and purpose is simple, to bind you to Volcanica and extend his life force as well as strength upon you expiring of old age or if its of his own whim, I suppose. Of course there's more detail, but I hypothesis that say if I were to instead force the ritual to steal Volcanica's power and bind you to something else, saaay perhaps one Subaru Natsuki..."
Beatrice locked eyes with Rem.", You'd be able to follow him through death."
Her butterfly eyes narrowed.
"Your own as well if my hypothesis is correct."
Beatrice turned four pages forward, showing a drawing of a woman with two dragon horns, one on each side of her head curved forward. "You'll become just like the first Dragon Maiden. What that entails I can't tell you as...well the book doesn't say. In fact the book is blank beyond the moment the Divine Dragon was forced beyond the Great Waterfall by Sehkmet the Witch of Sloth."
Rem's finger traced the image of the first Maiden. Specifically the place where the horns were. Rem's arms relaxed slightly as thoughts swam over her.
'I haven't even talked to Sissy yet.'
'What if this doesn't fix anything?'
Rem's body tensed as she heard those words shoot through her head again. 'I don't wanna die anymore.'
"What do you need for the ritual?"
Beatrice pointed at her forehead. At that moment Rem froze. Her horn? Beatrice needed her horn?
"Why do you need my horn for it?"
Beatrice's face lost all sense of humour as she snapped her fingers, summoning a set of tools that seemed much more at home in a torture chamber.
"I do not need your horn, I need access to the gate of your person. That so happens to be your, and Ram's, gate I suppose." Standing up Beatrice made her way around the table, hand grabbing one of her dastardly tools.
"I've never done this ritual before Rem-rem, I could make a mistake I suppose."
Rem took a deep breath before nodding. As soon as she gave the okay, the blonde placed her hand between Rem's breast. A surge of power rushed to her brain and anger and excitement flooded her head, much like the many other times she'd used her demon powers. Her horn now glowing brightly, Rem looked Beatrice in the eye one more time.
She almost regretted everything in the next moment.
"This will hurt, I suppose."
"Look its easy to do, but-"
Frustration filled Subaru causing him to clench his fist, his body shaking with emotion.
"What did you just say?" Rem held her arms closer to her in apprehension.
"Subaru you're shaking..."
Natsuki almost seemed to be doubled over in pain as memories and past lives flooded his thoughts. Tears began to form under his eyes.
"There is nothing easy about giving up! You think I'm just throwing it all away, everything. Cutting everyone and everything else out of my life, trying to run away? Leaving all I care and know, behind?! That after all of that, that is all it took for me to just give up and throw in the towel?! That is a lie! It was never that easy for me, it was so much easier for me to trick myself again and again, that maybe somehow I could actually help and make a damn difference!"
Subaru's arms fell to his side, and Rem merely stood still eyes never leaving his.
"It doesn't matter what I do though, I know that now, there is nothing that I can do!"
He raised his arms in a pleading gesture, "Don't you understand?!"
In his head the memories of his failures drummed themselves deeper into his head. Puck's transformation, the bite of the cold as his body shattered into dust. Holding Rem's mangled corpse, Emilia's blood soaked body. Subaru continued to rant, raising his hands stlightly.
"All it ever ends in, all I ever do results in my failing again and again, all there is to do is give up!" The tears in his eyes finally burst as he clenched his chest in torment. "If I could change anything, if I could do something. Then I'd do it, without a second thought, in an instant. I promise that I would.."
Rem's hands fell to her side, memories of her horrifying death at the hands of Petelgeuse Romanee-Conti.
"Listen to me Subaru, it is easy to give in...but," Even though she knew he wasn't currently looking she still gave him a look of confidence and pride. "It doesn't suit you at all."
Subaru slowly looked up as the blood maid continued to speak, her voice as soft and comforting as ever.
"You've been through hell, I think that I could say even, that I might understand."
Subaru in his addled state didn't full catch the knowing look she had before she looked down slightly, her ribbon bobbing.
"I couldn't begin to put myself in your place, it would be wrong to assume just exactly how you feel or what would make you feel this way. Even so..." Rem locked eyes with Subaru again.
"I know for certain, that you never quit when you start something. When you put your mind to it you never quit until you see it through. That you smile, always, when you talk about your dreams and hopes for the future, and I know for certain that you as a person can never give up on the future."
Subaru stepped back towards the waist high wall behind him. "You're wrong. I'm not th-"
"-I'm not wrong!" Rem followed his step back with one of her own towards him. Her face calm and collected, adamant even to not show any uncertainty towards Subaru.
"You may feel like you've finally given up, but you haven't not on us, on Lady Emilia, my sister, Lord Roswaal, Beatrice, nobody! That's not you Subaru."
"You don't know what you're talking about. You are wrong! I have given up, carrying all of this was impossible from the very start!"
He looked down at his hands, he bunched them up and pressed them to his forehead, the recollection of his failures torturing his soul.
"My hands are so small, everything sleeping between my fingers, leaving everyone and everything behind again and again."
Rem's heart ached for Subaru.
"No, you're wrong, that's not true!"
Subaru's eyes were taken over by anger before slamming his hand into the wall behind him. "What do you know, you don't know anything about me. Not a damn thing! I'll tell you who I am, what kind of person I really am. I want everything, but I don't have the strength to take it. All I ever do is dream, but I don't have the knowledge to make them come true. I struggle in vein like an idiot, pointlessly, never learning. I-I HATE MYSELF!"
Subaru's shoulders slumped as his emotions finally flooded out with each word.
"I always talk big, with no way to back it up! Like I'm more then I actually am, when really I can't do a damn thing for myself or for anyone else! Instead all I do is moan and whine like I'm paid too! I'm a fake! The sheer fact that I can live like this and feel no shame is incredible! You know what I'm saying is right Rem!"
His hands reached for his heart again, fists clenching his jacket. "I'm an empty box, with nothing of value inside. Its clear as day too, I know there isn't. Anyone could tell."
Subaru stood up, a look of hatred on his face, but not at Rem and she could tell just as well that it wasn't for her, but instead himself.
"Before I came to this world, this town, before I met any of you, do you know how I spent my days?! Not a damn thing! I wasted each day of my life, reading magazines, eating junk food, burning away my life minute by minute, hour by HOUR! I had every possibility before me, but as each day passed I did nothing, not a damn thing worth notice. What you see now is the product of that, what stands before you is nothing but a whiney useless piece of trash that's not good for ANYTHING!"
By this point Subaru's eyes had a constant stream of tears flowing from them, while Rem's were starting to mist as well. She knew, she knew very well just how in pain Subaru was, having came back a hand full of times now herself, tied to his "failures" she too felt the pain of never seeing progress.
"All of my stupidity, my carelessness, my arrogance...its just a sum of how rotten I am as a person."
Subaru gazed at his hands as if he was holding year old trash in it. "Desiring everything, when I've done nothing. Arrogance doesn't even truly begin to cover just how pathetic I am Rem! All my neglectfulness, all my ignorance...all it ever does is end up killing both you and me!"
Subaru's knees started to buckle before he collected himself enough to prevent it.
"Old man Wil even saw it, I wasn't trying to improve, to actually learn anything, I was just trying to sooth my own ego. To compensate and show I was doing the most I could. So that others wouldn't call me out on my bullshit. Seeking, searching for someone to finally say I should stop, that there wasn't any purpose to it. That it was meaningless to persist..."
Rem knew this, she knew it very well. But she'd never forgive herself if she let Subaru give up, not then and certainly not now.
"When you were teaching me how to read and write, teaching me the history of Lugnica and the world, I was just covering how much of a pathetic and incompetent moron I was! Deep inside at my core I'm less than the dregs of food in yesterdays trash, only ever worried about how other perceive me, talk about me, accept or judge me. But nothing! NOTHING ABOUT ME HAS CHANGED!"
Subaru's head slowly sunk as did his tone of voice.
"I am without a doubt the lowest of the low. Not worth a second thought from anyone. I truly, do despise myself."
A few moments passed as the clouds above slowly shifted. Rem ceased holding her hands in one another and took another step forward towards Subaru.
"Listen to me Subaru. I know that no matter how dark the pit is you fall in, you don't falter for even a moment. You still reach out your hand with courage in defiance."
Subaru's throat chocked up for a the slightest of moments.
"I love it when you run your hand through my hair. I love that I feel we can understand one another without words when we spend time together like that. I love the sound of your voice, when you have those moments of energy, blabbering on about this or that, like you have all the confidence in the world. Even if its just one word, it fills my hear and stomach with butterflies. I love how your eyes show so much of yourself, when others you'd just find a closed door. At times they can be hard and focused, like you're ready to give it your all. But then there are other moments when they're as soft as a rabbits fur, the gentleness and warmth I feel from them..."
Subaru couldn't say anything, his words held in his throat as the beautiful blue haired maid spoke so softly.
"I love your hands they're so delicate. Yet when your hand holds mine, I can feel the strength and comfort from them readily, the fingers of a man. They make me feel safe and protected." Her face slowly started to redden as she recalled all the things that filled her heart.
"I love how you walk, I love how you will turn around to make sure I'm still with you when we run errands in town. Never leaving me behind."
Subaru's eyes became down cast even further, disbelief evident.
"Stop..."
But she didn't and she wouldn't, the blessing of Volcanica provided a hand full of things to her, but these feelings, this confidence... It was hers and hers alone.
"I love how vulnerable you are when you sleep, like a child. Its so innocent. When I caress your cheek you calm down, when I briefly brush your lips with my fingers you don't even notice." More emotions threatened to burst from her, like a million butterflies or a roaring dragon ready to unleash itself.
"Seeing all of this, all of you. It...it makes my heart ache terribly..."
A tear fell from her eyes.
'Subaru Natsuki..'
"I love you."
Subaru closed his eyes. Unsure of what words to use.
"How could you ever say that?"
Cheeks now red as her sisters hair, Rem looked up with a smile on her face, and a faint electric spark in her eye.
"Its because after all the things you told me, about hating yourself I just couldn't help but tell you everything I love about you. To show you all the reasons why I think you're amazing Subaru." Her last word came with a tremble in her voice, on the verge of breaking her usual soft even tone.
"You're just seeing what you want to see, all of it was just a fake!"
"THATS NOT TRUE!"
Subaru's head shot up at the anger in her voice, he could feel the emotion in her words.
"Do you think I want to know about your Return by Death. Do you think I want to live each day knowing that you could die again?!"
Subaru's heart froze in dread, that blood curdling fear slipped out of his stomach as he watched a phantom hand reach for Rem's chest. It was going to happen again, he didn't know how she knew, he couldn't search his thoughts for how she'd have ever known. However without a doubt he knew she would die in the next instant.
"HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SUBARU THAT I SEE EACH AND EVERY DAY!?"
A glowing gold aura shrouded Rem, tears streaking her face as the hand of the Witch of Envy bounced off the Blessing of Volcanica. The glowing aura surrounded her like a second skin, two horns forming a luminous crown with her horn at the centre of the three appendages.
"The one I was just telling you about?!
Subaru watched in disbelief as the hand retreated into his stomach, fearing it would kill him instead. A faint golden shimmer glowed from beneath his jacket.
The hand of Satella was unable to punish either of them.
"W-why do you love me so much? I'm nothing, I'm pathetic..." Unable to look her lucent form in the eyes, he turned his head away in shame.
"I'm trying to run away. Run away from everything! Why do you even care about me?!"
Rem stepped forward the aura now touching him and filling him with a sense of warmth and comfort only magic could provide.
"Its because you're my hero Subaru. Back when we were in the forest and you were ready to throw your own life away just to make sure me and my sister could get away safely, and when I'd lost control of myself, you didn't give up on making sure I was ok. Even when I posed a threat to you while I raged blindly."
She place her hand on his chest.
"In that cave, I tried so desperately to save you, but I failed. My body broken, but my spirit still held strong, even then, just like now, I love you Subaru."
Her other arm caressed his cheek gently, the glow fading away. "Back then after you came back, and held me in your arms, I heard the words I wanted to hear, from the very person I wanted to hear them from. You've done so much more then you realize Subaru, you pulled from my place anchored in time from when I was a child and all by sister was lost. It was you and your actions, your thoughts and your feelings that thawed my heart and let me continue living again!"
"I don't think you truly understand just how happy you made me that day, how impossible it was for me to hold back those tears. You saved me Subaru."
With the aura gone Subaru could clearly see Rem's face covered by tears. But there she had a smile. One that like all those deaths ago, was a thousand watts. She removed the hand from his cheek and placed it on her heart, much like hers on his.
"Understand? I believe, that no matter what might happen, however painful it may be. Even if its an inferno of agony. When everyone else has given up, and stopped believing in you, not even yourself. When you can no longer go on, trust in me that I will always believe in you. Forever!" She moved her hands to gently grab Subaru's crying face.
Leaning up on her heels she brought her lips to Subaru's in a passionate kiss. Parting, she left her forehead to Subaru's for a brief moment before pulling away and holding him against her person.
"The Subaru who came into my life and gave me salvation, will always be my hero and I'll never mistake him for someone else."
Paralyzed by emotion and fatigue he pulled Rem closer out of instinct, almost searching for the warmth that he previously felt. Rem, fell to her knees with him before the two parted.
"It didn't matter how hard or what I did, I could never save anyone."
Rem ran her hand through his hair, trying to soothe him further.
"I'm still here, even if I died. You don't need to save me anymore. Like you I will persist through whatever trials come forward to meet us. I'll always be by your side if you want me."
Natuski's voice was hesitant and uncertain.
"I've never accomplished anything, I'm empty."
"Don't you see Subaru, the Rem that you thought died...she's still here, right in front of you." The maid took Subaru's hand in her own.
"Nobody believes me, or listens to what I say. They just cast me off..."
Rem shook her head with a small smile.
"I'm right here, I'll always listen. Whatever you wanna say, I'll hear you.
Subaru began to pull his hand away.
"I'm no good, I'm a joke. I hate myself."
Rem pulled him back into her chest.
"Regardless of how you feel about yourself, I will forever love you."
Subaru's eyes looked at the hand laced with his own. Following the gentle lines of her fingers.
"You don't care that its me?"
Rem giggled, "I want it to be you Subaru. If it was anyone else, it just wouldn't be the same."
She helped Subaru up to his feet.
"We can restart, we can go somewhere else. Start life anew. But only if that's what you truly want Subaru. Just like with me, you helped me start life over and see it in a whole new light."
The cloudy sky parted perfectly for the sun as it struck her with light. Her round face glistening with tears.
"We can start over from square one." She smiled to herself as she shook her head.
"No...from Zero."
She clasped her hands together in front of her dress as the wind pushing the clouds away above, reach her and swayed her hair and dress.
"We can continue, walking side by side. If you can't walk then I'll carry you! Share the burden, with me, Show me just how amazing you are Subaru, show everyone!"
Subaru took a step back the words flowing over him like a tsunami. His mind was swirling with thoughts and feelings. Here was Rem the ever dutiful demon maid, beautiful smart and loyal to a fault. She meant alot to him, more then he could ever put into words. But so was Emilia. He felt a tinge of remorse at the idea of parting ways from her. He loved her after all...didn't he?
"Rem..." The blue haired woman just gave him a smile. Subaru opened his mouth. An apology and the words 'I love Emilia' ready to slip out. But they didn't. He closed his mouth and opened it again. He absolutely cared about Rem, who wouldn't she was fantastic. But did he love her?
"Rem...I can't return those feelings, or at least...not yet. I'd like to one day. You mean the world to me the same as Emilia. I want to see her smile, to help her reach her goal of becoming the next ruler..."
Rem just moved her head to the side, smile still there. "I know. I told you Subaru, I love you for you. Even if you were to reject my feelings entirely. I'd still love you. I also love you because I know you want to support those you care about. It is selfish of me to say, but I hope that I'd hear those same words from you one day."
Subaru's eyes widened in amazement at the maid before him before his eye returned to normal.
"Like I said I can't say it now. But I do have feelings for you Rem, but I can't tell if they're stronger than the ones I have for Emilia. However...what happened with Return by Death..."
He paused waiting for the witch's hand to come out. But it didn't, and he didn't feel crippling fear either.
"I want to keep you by my side as long as I can, and to make you as happy and pain free as I possible. If Emilia's goal is to become Queen and I want to help her reach that. Then I want to help you reach your goal too, to love me forever."
Rem's eyes shot open at the statement, before tears began to spill forth once more.
He raised his hand for Rem to take.
She did. With a thousand watt smile.
Oh please don't let me die
Ready for your touch
No, don't give up on life
This endless dead end