Its been weeks now, just about a month since he's been back in her life which makes it two months since he emerged from the depths of an in-depth undercover stint that took nearly seven years from his life. The years before that were the ones he spent attempting to fight over what remnants of his now failed marriage.
She knew before it even had happened that something wasn't right when she entered the squad room and everyone had gone out of their way to busy themselves with paperwork and hushed phone calls while looking up at her every few minutes.
It was Sonny that told her what he had heard through the grapevine. He told her he couldn't bullshit her and just wanted to give her the heads up as if he was saying it as some some sort of casual precautionary measure to her. A simple courtesy call that her world would be off its axis very shortly even though the entire precinct must have known before her.
It was pathetic, she hated the attention it brought on but was buzzing with an anxious energy she couldn't quite shake the minute news broke to her.
The details were minimal and she was glad Sonny spared her them too, it was all too much and maybe he knew that. She was grateful regardless. All she knew was he was back and currently in some sort of safe house about to be discharged in the weeks to come and that he was going to be offered a job somewhere in New York.
She had joked with Fin privately that she was hoping Buffalo,New York a quick eight hour drive from the city but she knew that wouldn't be it not as fate would have it.
They cried and screamed and consoled each other after the storm between them finally settled in the form of a long soul crushing hug when they met again for the first time. The first time in nearly a decade. In Brooklyn near the east river at the harbour outside their cars in the freezing cold. His face buried against the smallest space of skin exposed between her jacket collar and her curly wild wind blown hair. She sighs into him and lets him squeeze her tightly and fists as much of his leather jacket as possible in her hands and nuzzles against him tightly. So much had changed but not much at all when she looks into his eyes for the first time just inches apart. He pulls down his mask and smiles softly at her. She lowers hers and rests her forehead on his chin before stepping back.
The years are worn heavy on his face, his weathered skin of his dark chest peaking out from his v-neck t-shirt and the grey sprinkled into the facial hair nearly covering his face.
They still settle in a space of silence after he lets go of her forearm, then rests on the side of her elbows before breathing a broken sorry before closing his eyes.
She lets him hold her hand in that moment before slipping away because she isn't mad or hurt because she is - she really, really is but because of all that ties them together. The history, the unspoken adoration and the complicated dance that no longer seems as intricate as they always silently deemed it to be.
It felt good having him near, having him close and having him alive. It made her feel alive and jolted her into the now. This was no longer her partner, this wasn't the man she shared the streets and a squad car with for over a decade.
This was someone entirely new as was she and when he kisses her goodbye on the cheek with a mumbled promise on his lips rushed out the minute he steps back and looks into her eyes. She too has changed in so many different ways. The ways that make her far more beautiful than he's ever seen her. Ways that make him think of thoughts that have absolutely nothing particularly professional or platonic about them and that feels okay to him now too.
It isn't until several small happenstances of them running into each other where a new level of their new relationship and new reintroduction to each other that has her feeling things she thought were long abandoned inside of herself.
First it's their two units quickly meeting outside the courthouse before being called to the same trial where she gets to see him with his own squad .
What really gets her is that he doesn't introduce her as his partner but as Captain Benson, it isn't until she is inside the coffee shop near the precinct with Rollins where he makes her blush by saying that very thing.
"Afternoon Captain" he smirks as he walks past her, "Detective," he follows as he nods quickly to Rollins. His hand landing lightly on the small of his former partners back as he turns sideways to get passed them in the narrow dining area towards the exit to pick up their order. She doesn't think anyone noticed that small and simple touch but her, maybe he didn't mean to do it but it sends her body buzzing, the delicate touch, the proximity to her body - that low timber of his voice as he walked past her. He doesn't even give her time to respond before he is far past her and leaving the corridor towards the streets.
"Jesus christ," Amanda says as she turns to watch him leave with his junior detective, her eyes follow them until the door closes and then back to hers.
"Are you both for real?" The blond detective asks her with a jaw open and her blue eyes wide.
"Amanda.." She stops her because its barely 7am. She can't get into this now. She has her whole day ahead of her and as of right now she is thinking about his hand on her back still and that might be a little fucked up.
"Okay Cap, I got it. Not a word but you didn't have to say one to tell me all I need to know about that..situation," She said motioning to the doorway with her hand where Elliot just walked out of.
"Its…complicated" she winces the minute it leaves her mouth but it's still true after all these years. Neither partners or friends now more than ever it is complicated until its suddenly not.
What isn't complicated is how straight forward he is now whether thats in part to him living a hard life undercover or is it the seclusion and secrecy he was shrouded in that allow him to dance with such freedom now with his words.
A week later he sees her leaving the courthouse just as he is about to enter.
This is the first time she see's him back in a suit and without the beard from his former life.
There is no hand on the back or simple hello. He is swallowing her up from twenty feet away as a lawyer talks to him she can tell he is barely registering what is being said to him. Its only seconds later she can tell he is saying goodbye to his group and before she knows it he is slowly jogging up to her in his perfectly tailored three piece grey suit with a black dress shirt and tie to complete it.
Perhaps this look one inspired or maybe heavily influenced by his former life and UC mission too she thinks. He looks every bit the assertive tough guy more so than the nearly sixty year old cop. Not that it was what he was intentionally going for but one he should embrace she thinks to herself.
It suits him.
He looks fucking good.
He quickly nods to Barba and pulls her aside by the inside of her elbow and its kind of possessive and it makes it seem like he really has to tell her something pressing and urgent which worries her. But it also kinda turns her on if she were to be honest with herself.
"Hey I want to see you when this case is done, think we can arrange that?" He has nowhere to look but her eyes, she still has her mask on and it makes this all very strange for her.
It's freezing out and her eyes burn from the wind and she looks up at him and nods quickly before walking away and back to her group, she looks back as they walk in separate directions and sees that his eyes are following her as she goes. He smirks and waves goodbye before turning for good this time.
Barba stares fire into her as she has never been more grateful for the masks as she feels her cheeks burn from his glare and flirting.
It comes as a text and a photo of a negative COVID result. She smiles and winces at what an incredibly weird year and gesture that is. How bizarre this is. Is he flirting? Is this some sort of physical proof that is okay for them to be close, to be near each other physically, she isn't sure but it makes her smile. Gives her something to chew on for the day and think about.
Its 10:00am and she just got in from dropping Noah off at school for his scheduled half day and walked in from getting groceries on her day off. She leaves her bags on the counter and smiles at the message on her screen.
"Join the club. Got mine yesterday…"
She deletes it. He can see her typing and the word bubble fading. Shit. She's too old to be doing this or worried about doing this but what the hell.
"Congratulations Captain…" she smirks and presses send before she can second guess herself or her ill fated attempts at flirting.
"When are you free?" He asks fasts. Cutting right to the chase. This could just be friendly. Wanting to catch up or maybe talk shop on the case they just closed yesterday.
"Thursday evening.." Her heart is racing. What does any of this mean. It's Elliot for god sake. This could be nothing. Jesus, it is absolutely nothing.
"I can't wait.." He instantly responds to her text.
She feels her cheeks warm up as the blush spreads across her chest and neck. She isn't even sure he is interested in her the way she is thinking about him.
The way his words and his presence is effecting in a way that has nothing to do with their careers and entirely with who she is as a woman. One with needs that haven't been met in so long. Or ever if she wants to be totally truthful with herself.
It scares her to think of it in detail but when her mind does wander there it excites her and takes on a life of its own in her dreams, in fantasies when he appears from time to time.
As a patient lover on his knees kissing her thighs apart or aggressive and assertive as he dominates her, he destroys her in those thoughts and she becomes completely undone. It's been years since she thought like that, thought about that with him specifically in mind and just reigniting these thoughts again makes her feel alive and scared.