Ch 1: Heroes
What is a Hero? I conjured those that possess strength of mind, heart, body and soul, and with self sacrificing tendencies. Foolish rhetoric for those seeking glory.
Labeled the god of mischief, a miscreant, if you will, I found my course set. Oh there had been moments when I would look at my brother and wonder what it would be like to have men admire and respect you. To turn the rudder and paddle upstream against expectations was too daunting. Instead I followed my instinct, my genetics if you will. I was not a true son of Odin, a real brother to Thor. So often I was reminded I was second class, not born to the greatness like others, yet I was a god with powers. How could mere mortals, like the Avengers, be labeled heroes and defeat me? I was a god, I should rule something, have others be subservient. Yet, I grow weary of the role I play, the lies, the broken alliances, the mistrust. There must be more to this life, I have thousands of years still to go. How formidable it seems?
Have I ever been happy? I know I have felt many other emotions. The kind humans label negative, anger, jealousy, self-loathing, etc. Why must there always be good and bad, heroes and villians? Are there other parts one can play in life?
I feel I am alive, yet I wonder what it must be like to be happy? Perhaps I glimpsed it with mother. Dear mother, defying logic, I do believe she did love me. No matter how many times I disappointed her and father, she would champion me, ruffle my hair, and forgive. She is gone, a hero for Jane and Thor. And I am to blame, the black sheep of the family. Opportunistic to the core, Thor would never have given Kruse directions to the palace. Mother's death should have been my time loop if the TVA truly hope to torture me, not Sif and her hair. The TVA did not know me. Is that why Mobius sought me out?
Perhaps I am incapable of forming attachments, of friends. Mobius knew my numerous faults yet he believed me. Sylvie was right that he cared. A handshake had seemed a mere penitence for the trust he had placed in me and the sacrifice he was willing to make for us all. Maybe I should have gone with him to take down the TVA? Still I feel the pull of Sylvie, I cannot abandon her, she has been alone in this fight far too long. I felt compelled to hug him as I had seen others do. He was a hero to me, a friend that I may never meet again. I have given and received embraces without much credence, yet as I held him and he held me close I felt and gave love.
Mobius called my interest in Sylvie the result of my seismic narcissism because I fell for a version of myself. Sylvie was my mental match, the irony of befriending myself not lost on me. Yet, her being me, I understood her mistrust. Her words, How do I know that in the final moments you won't betray me? ... Cause if we make it and the TVA is gone., there might be a timeline for you to rule. Being a sovereign was no longer palatable, it was the dreams of a stupid youth. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to feel connected. My brother and the Avengers, they had that comradery and love. How do I make her see that I am changing, that I am making the Loki, I didn't think I could be.
I want to scream and defy all previous expectations, hers included. How could a variant of me inspire hope? I wanted to be more for her, for others, I wanted to take down the TVA, like Mobius. How dare they force us to comply with their predetermined timeline, their expectations? Past actions dictated that I would fail. I would give up, snatch an opportunity, betray those that had come to trust me. But was that truly me? Do I have free will? I want to be a better man. I want to be a hero. I want to get the girl. Sylvie was a league beyond me, innovative and strong to have evaded capture, living alone since her youth. I wanted to be her person because like me she too deserved a chance at happiness. Huddled beneath the blanket I had promised her I would not let her down. I only hoped I had not lied.
xxx
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