AN:
FFnet can suck my toes (I'm kidding please don't take this down).
In all the stories he reads,
There are these great heroes.
These tortured, great heroes.
And though they suffer, they do it for others.
They suffer because without their suffering, bad things would happen.
People other than the hero would be pained.
But in reality, there is no hero.
Yet there is pain.
Useless and small and all for nothing.
He was no hero.
He really, really thought he was.
Believed it with all his being,
Embedded the name into his very core.
Hero
Hero
Hero.
Hero of Mayhem.
Hero of his group.
Hero of his friends.
But in reality, there is no hero.
"Jaewon, there's something I need to tell you."
"Alright, what is it?"
"The CEO, he…"
"He's been arrested."
The villain was conquered.
He should be happy.
He should.
But he isn't.
It's been a week,
And the excitement has long since worn off.
Now,
He's scared.
Scared,
And sad.
Without a villain to kill,
What is the hero supposed to do?
Is there even a hero anymore?
When they told him Mayhem was debt free,
He felt relieved.
Finally,
All his hard work had been repaid.
But then they told him there wasn't any debt to begin with.
What?
There wasn't any debt?
They assured him there was absolutely,
Positively,
None.
Not a single dollar of it.
Not a drop.
He smiled.
He smiled and said "Good!"
Liar liar liar.
It's not good,
He quickly realized.
Because if there was no debt,
What was it all for?
If there was no cause,
Was he even a hero?
Or was he just a victim?
No.
No he wasn't.
He couldn't be.
Jaewon was the hero.
The protector,
The one who saved the day.
Except he wasn't.
Jaewon had been depressed since the beginning of his deal with the CEO.
But now,
He doesn't think he can do it anymore.
He didn't spare anyone of anything, continuing like this.
Continuing his pathetic life,
Where he moped around,
Hardly eating or sleeping
Wondering how he was ever able to carry the weight of the title
Hero
On his shoulders.
How he thought he could slay the dragon,
Reclaim the castle,
Save the kingdom.
When clearly,
He wasn't special.
He never had been.
He was chosen to suffer not because he was strong,
But because he was weak.
An easy target.
Everything he'd ever felt, it all meant nothing.
It had no purpose.
It was just so the CEO or god or some higher power that so clearly hated him
Could satisfy their stupid,
Sadistic need to see someone,
Anyone,
Hurt.
And even though it would seem he was unique
For getting handed such poor circumstances,
He wasn't.
People got them all the time.
And he wasn't handling them any differently than anyone else.
If he took the thirty-something painkillers stashed away in his closet,
Or hung himself with the rope he bought months ago,
He was no worse than the last person who caved from the pressure of life.
What was he even here for, anyway?
He was helping no one.
Saving no one.
Hell, the last time he was worth anything was when he left to become an idol,
His mom waving him bye with the proudest smile he had ever seen,
And a glimmer of hope in both of their eyes.
Almost six years ago.
What a long time
To live meaninglessly.
Why was he still living?
To try to see that proud smile again?
To get the glimmer of hope back in his eyes,
Even though he never would?
Why did god hate him so much..?
He couldn't comprehend what he did to deserve all of this.
Was he really such a bad kid? Was he born wrong?
Did he make too many mistakes?
He wasn't sure.
He really
Really
Wasn't sure.
He cried until he couldn't anymore,
Until sleep overcame his trembling body.
When he woke up the next morning,
He calmly walked into the bathroom.
He inspected his face in the bathroom mirror.
He had tired eyes and pale cheeks,
Not something befitting of an idol.
He reached to his makeup bag to start fixing it,
Then realized he had forgotten it.
He walked out of the bathroom.
Sure, he had expected Mayhem to be up,
But he hadn't expected them to stop him in his tracks.
"Come, sit down," Dongho offered.
"Ah, that's ok, I was just about to get ready and leave for coffee actually," Jaewon laughed nervously, looking away to hide his unmade face.
"This is important," Minsoo jumped in.
"Very important!" Daehyun added, the toast in his mouth muffling his words.
"Oh um alright," he said nervously.
Was Mayhem mad at him? Did he do something wrong?
Did something bad happen, maybe?
Was everything alright?
"Don't worry," Dongho said suddenly. "You're not in trouble."
Jaewon nodded awkwardly, an apologetic smile forming on his face.
As soon as he sat down, Minsoo started the conversation.
"What's been going on with you?" He questioned.
"Huh? I've been having coffee and hanging out with you guys. Why do you ask?" Jaewon asked, starting to wring his hands.
"No that's not what I meant," Minsoo said.
"You've been looking down lately," Daehyun states with a frown.
"We want to know why," Dongho added.
"Oh! Sorry, nothings wrong! I've just been tired," Jaewon laughed.
"It's more than that," said Dongho. "We can tell you're going through something, and we're confronting you about it right now because we want to help."
Help?
Help him?
Help the used-to-be-hero?
No, that wasn't right.
He was supposed to be helping them.
"I'm fine, hyung. I'm sorry I worried you, but I'm fine. Really."
The group looked at each other, clearly not buying his answer.
"Jaewon, you aren't fine. I...I heard you. Last night, crying. It's ok to not be doing good! Just please let us help!" Daehyun said.
Daehyun had heard him?
Last night?
God, no.
Now he knew.
He knew that Jaewon was weak.
That he was everything a hero wasn't.
Broken and tired and just absolutely pathetic.
Jaewon teared up.
Shit.
"Oh, Jae…" Daehyun's face contorted with sympathy.
"It's alright, we're here for you!" Minsoo said, almost aggressively.
Jaewon shook his head, trying to wipe the now falling tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice breaking into a whisper. "I'm sorry I can't be there for you guys."
I'm sorry I'm not a hero.
They comforted him, soft words of "You've always been there for us" and "It's ok to cry" wrapping around him like a blanket.
"Jaewon, we don't expect you to always carry us on your shoulders! Sometimes it's ok to take care of yourself, you know?" Daehyun said.
Jaewon shook his head again.
"No?" Dongho asked, worried but amused.
Jaewon laughed. "Sorry it's just...I've spent so long thinking that…some kind of hero...that now, I don't...I can't…it's my job to take care of you guys..."
Jaewon shook, giving up on his sentence and putting his head in his hands.
"I think that you were put into a role that was unhealthy, Jaewon. I think it's time to change that," Dongho reasoned.
"Yeah. You can do it, Jaewon," Minsoo quietly encouraged.
At that, Jaewon finally broke.
He nodded, pulling his hands from his face, and giving Mayhem a small smile.
No more heroes.