Thoughts and Reflections
It had been well over a two weeks since Artanis had last seen Vorazun, since their time overlooking the city, since that time he had asked her that fateful question. Despite those two weeks, she still hadn't come any closer to being able to give him a solid answer. True, part of that was because she was still busy trying to get her people settled among the rest of the Daelaam, but that problem itself mostly died down a few days ago. Vorazun herself suspected that it, or something similar in nature to it, would be a recurring problem regardless.
Now she found herself wandering the halls of the Citadel of the Daelaam in Khor-Shakal, formerly known as the Citadel of the Executor, lost in thought more than anything else for the past few days. Despite this, the Matriarch had been consistently keeping tabs on the whereabouts of Artanis, mostly in order to avoid him. She was still trying to wrap her mind around her feelings towards the young Hierarch and she felt being near him would force her to make a rash decision, something she believed the both of them would regret if it came down to it.
Even so, he didn't seem to come looking for her most of the time. And the few times he did, she'd purposefully gone out of her way to avoid him. He had come dangerously close finding her once or twice before, like he was trying really hard to search her out. She could see him, sneaking silently in the shadows as she saw him fruitlessly give up his search after what seemed like hours of looking for her. She had to admire his persistence, if nothing else.
More than once, when it looked like he'd been ready to leave, he'd give one last look down what he assumed to be an empty hallway, seeming to hope against hope that she'd come out. Alas, it never happened.
And when he eventually retreated, his eyes were downcast, defeated. Vorazun's hearts would actually clench each time at the sight of him. She hated seeing him like that, all sorrowful and melancholy. And the worst part was that she knew she was the cause of it.
The look would disappear into normalcy as he would reenter the Citadel proper, leaving her alone in her people's section of the capital building. Once more she cursed herself for her lack of decisiveness. He didn't deserve to be left in the dark like this, not after all he'd done, all he'd been through, not just for the Khalai but her people as well.
She just couldn't decide if she should take the plunge and reciprocate his affection.
Unlike many Protoss, Khalai and Nerazim alike, she hadn't had much romantic experience with anyone. Her mother always kept her a relative distance away from the other Nerazim, something about her being the Matriarch's daughter and having expectations and responsibilities beyond the common Protoss. Which struck her as odd coming from her mother considering she must've had a relationship with someone, or at least enough of a relationship to have Vorazun in the first place.
Raszagal never spoke much about her father, at least not in the way someone would normally talk about the father of their child. Vorazun didn't even know his name, his rank, or who he was, just that he'd been a Dark Templar like the rest of them.
What would Artanis be like, as a lover? she wondered. She already knew he was a fine warrior, passionate, steady in his duty and stalwart in his beliefs. She knew he cared about all Protoss, not just his people. But beyond that, she had no idea. They'd never spent the time simply talking about themselves, their interests, what they liked to do, whether either of them had had suitors before, if they'd ever thought about what they'd do if the war was over.
And now they had time to talk about all of that. Vorazun had never been courted before, never had the pleasure of being asked if she wanted to have a mate, a lover, a husband. But she was still young, only 243 years old. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to start thinking about courting rituals. Hell, she'd only known Artanis for eight years, an extremely small amount of time for just about any Protoss.
The Matriarch had been so lost in thought that she almost accidentally ran into another Protoss. She stopped herself short, blink-teleporting a meter or two away just in time. Looking up, she saw the floating form of none other than Rohana, the Preserver.
When she'd first met the Preserver, there had been a noticeable amount of tension and disdain emanating from her. All she knew about the Dark Templar at the time had come from biased knowledge that had been stored in the Khala, where the premonitions and clouded judgements of past lives told her that it was a mistake letting the Nerazim live. Despite this initial bias, a combination of the war and Artanis's words of wisdom were able to change those perceptions about her people, and about the Matriarch herself. It eventually got to the point where, by the time they had returned to Aiur to purge Amon from the Khala and free the rest of the Protoss that had been mentally shackled to the fallen Xel'naga's will, they were chatting with one another, advising and offering their knowledge and experience to each other, and even cracking a joke or two every once in a while. Vorazun had found a sort of kinship with the ancient Preserver, forged through fire and blood, one that was shared with the rest of the Khalai Protoss, but with especially with her.
"Rohana," she greeted, surprise lacing her voice.
The Preserver stood in shock at nearly running into her Nerazim compatriot for a second before quickly recomposing herself. "Matriarch Vorazun," she greeted in kind. "I was not expecting to run into you around here any time soon."
"Nor I you," she admitted. "What are you doing here, if you do not mind me asking?"
"I was actually just speaking to your colleagues about the history of your people," the older Protoss said.
Vorazun raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "You are interested in the history of the Nerazim?" she questioned.
"Of course," the Preserver answered. The Matriarch noticed she was rather jovial in her response. "When your mother took the Dark Templar to Shakuras, there was very little information regarding what happened afterward in the Templar Archives. We branded your people as heretics, those that could not be trusted. We thought your people could offer nothing but damnation and ruin on what we believed to be the Protoss way of life. However, seeing the actions of the Nerazim in the End War very much proved us wrong. I now wish to learn about your peoples' side of the Schism, to see history from the perspective of those who went into hiding, and then to spread that knowledge to others of the Khalai."
If she'd been human, Vorazun would've been smiling upon her friend. Instead, due to having no such orifice, her eyes shined in approval of the Preserver's words. "I admit, I was not expecting this level of humility from you, Rohana."
The elder woman returned the warm look in kind. "I believe I owed you and your people that much in return for all you've done for our species, and as an atonement for my behavior to you when we first met."
The Nerazim Matriarch shook her head. "All of that is in the past now, Rohana. I forgave you a long time ago for your ignorance. You did not know any better and you had not grasped the severity of our specie's situation at the time. Still, what you are doing is very noble of you. If you wish, I can arrange for some of our historians and remembrancers to meet with you and help you achieve your goal," she offered.
"I would be most grateful for that, Matriarch," the Khalai woman thanked her.
Vorazun prepared to leave, beginning to turn away from Rohana, when she noticed the other woman wasn't doing the same. She continued to float in the air, continuing to stare right at her.
"What is it, Rohana? Is there something else troubling you?"
The Preserver shook her head. "No, but I can tell there is something troubling you."
The Dark Templar's brow furrowed in confusion. "How do you know?" she questioned.
"It is in your body language," she told Vorazun. "Your muscles are noticeably tenser than usual and you nearly ran into me. That second observation is rather unlike you. So what is troubling you, my friend? Perhaps I can be of assistance."
The younger Protoss shook her head once. "There is nothing wrong with me, Rohana. I am perfectly fine."
Unfortunately for her, the answer did not satiate the older woman's curiosity and Rohana gave her a stern look, like one would give a misbehaved child. "To quote one of Artanis's Terran comrades," she said, "'I'm not buying it'."
Vorazun's emerald eyes locked Rohana's blue, determination and stubbornness locking them both together. The younger Protoss could be as immovable as stone and just as hard. She'd done it before, against her mother, Artanis, and the varying Khalai critics and opponents who would advocate for the destruction of her people's way of life. And the ways of the Dark Templar were still here because of that determination.
Unfortunately for her, even hardest stone and thickest boulder had their weakness, whether it was a focus point being given enough force or through sheer erosion from the elements. Rohana's was the latter. There was a reason she had the title 'Preserver'. She had seen many things and done so much, whether it was for the Conclave, the Daelaam, or the Protoss as a whole. She had seen eons come and go, wars and cataclysms pass through time, and even witnessed what had nearly been the end of their species as a whole. And she was still here.
Given a bit of thought, the Matriarch relented and sighed, tearing her eyes away. Her crest mottled from embarrassment. Why was she being stubborn with Rohana? This wasn't like all of those times with other Khalai Templar, where they scorned and criticized her or her people's ways, insisting that they were push-overs, like they were still two separate peoples. Against them, she would fight to the death to preserve the ways of the Nerazim, their culture, their rites and history. But against Rohana? This defiance was foolish, in retrospect. The floating Protoss merely asked her a question, out of concern for her no less. It was something that should be expected of a comrade, a friend. She just wanted to know about what had been troubling Vorazun, what had caused her to almost lose her normally elegant composure.
"It's actually about Artanis himself," she finally said, letting the statement hang in the air.
"What?" Rohana asked, confusion clearly evident in her voice. Her mind began racing through what felt like a million questions a second.
"You heard me correctly," Vorazun clarified, still avoiding her gaze. She was trying to keep her cool, but it was clear the Dark Templar couldn't hold it. She blushed from embarrassment, her crest turning a deeper shade of purple with every passing moment.
"What did he do to you?" Rohana asked. She couldn't stop herself as questions came pouring out of mind. "Did you have another disagreement with him? Did he hurt you? Did he say something against you and your people? Is he not who we thought he was? Did he-"
"No, Rohana!" the Matriarch quickly cut in before the older woman made too many assumptions, trying to calm her nerves. "None of those things. None of things at all."
Now it was the Preserver's turn to blush, clearly realizing she'd acted too rash on so little information. "Oh," she said. Her brow furrowed in confusion again. "Then what happened?"
"He…" Vorazun started, pausing a second to gather her thoughts. "A few weeks ago, I had come to the cliff overlooking Aldera, to clear my head of an argument that had been going on with some former Judicators on the matter of having my people settle in Khor-Shakal. Unfortunately, he was up there at the time. I told him of my plight, confident that he would support me. He did, of course, but then I told him I would take the Dark Templar off world if the conflict could not be resolved. It was then that he said he would miss me. He said he had feelings for me and would be interested in courting me. And he was wondering if I felt the same too."
A silence fell over them and the Matriarch found that she was doing the equivalent of holding her breath. Meanwhile, Rohana stared silently at her, the Protoss's mind racing as it tried processing the information her friend had given her. Artanis? Admitting to caring for Vorazun in a more personal way? Even to the point of wanting to court her, to possibly be her mate? The idea seemed was shocking, to say the least, and she could only imagine what Vorazun must've been going through.
"How long ago was this again?" was her next question.
"Over two weeks," her friend answered, still refusing to meet Rohana's gaze.
The Khalai female's gaze softened at seeing just uncomfortable the Matriarch was feeling with this information. No, she thought, not uncomfortable. Uncertain.
"Do you doubt that what he says is genuine?" she asked next.
Vorazun shook her head. "If there is one thing I know about the Hierarch, it is that he has never been a liar, especially not when it comes to the matters of the heart."
Now Rohana was just even more confused than before. "Then what is the problem?"
"I just…" she said, pausing for a second, trying to overcome her hesitation, before continuing, "… I don't know if I can return those feelings."
Rohana nodded in understanding. "You do not feel the same way about him?"
"I do not know," she answered honestly. "And that is the problem."
Rohana raised a clawed finger to her chin in thought. "Strange," she said, absentmindedly tapping her chin. "When I first met you and Artanis on the Spear of Adun, I had assumed he had already courted you."
"You did?" Vorazun raised her voice, taken aback at the statement, her eyes widening in surprise.
If Rohana noticed that this was a new revelation for the Matriarch, she didn't show it. "Yes," she answered. "Based on how he defended you and your people when I spoke of the Nerazim as if they were nothing but evil, I had made the assumption that he had courted you and you were both mates already."
"However," the Khalai Protoss continued, "I learned that I had assumed wrong on both accounts. Still, I had assumed that he was in the process of courting you at the very least."
Vorazun stared down at the ground, refusing to meet her friend's gaze. Had they really looked like they were mates in front of everyone on the Spear of Adun? Or was it only Rohana who thought this? She didn't think so at the time. Sure, she'd always been grateful for his support, even when there were times when she'd be more of a critic to him than a friend, but that didn't mean they were closer on a more personal level. They'd both been too busy trying to figure out how to keep their species from going extinct.
"No," she finally said after an uncomfortably long silence. "He never tried to court me. We had never even looked at each other in that way before, not that I could tell, anyway."
Rohana nodded slowly. "I see. Then I apologize for making such a rash assumption between you two."
"There is nothing to forgive, Rohana," Vorazun told her. "It was an honest mistake."
The Matriarch sighed, closing her eyes. "What do I do, Rohana? I cannot continue to just leave Artanis in the dark like this. He deserves better that that. But I also don't know if I'm ready to commit to a relationship with him yet."
"Matters like this are unprecedented for me, I am afraid," she answered. "Back in my time, we always had the Khala to express our emotions to one another. Usually, when it came to the matters of the heart between two of our people, both individuals would discuss their feelings with family or other members of their tribe. It made us more secure in the knowledge that we were choosing a life partner wisely."
"However," Rohana continued, "now that we have all cut ourselves from the Khala to be free of Amon's influence, such a process is no longer possible. What you are experiencing is outside of my area of expertise, unfortunately, as well as those of us who were connected with the Khala before."
Vorazun felt her shoulders sag in resignation. So there was no way for Rohana to help her with her plight. Once more, she felt alone in her endeavor, resorting to thought and meditation. "I was afraid you would say that."
As the Dark Templar prepared to leave once more, Rohana called out to her. "Vorazun, wait."
She turned to face her friend once more. Uncertain emerald eyes met concerned blue ones.
"Though I have no experience in this personal matter that you are going through, that does not mean I cannot at least provide some advice. I can at least tell you this much: even if you do not know of your feelings towards him yet, there will come a time when you will. I cannot tell you when that will be or under what circumstance, but trust me when I say it will happen. Have faith in that at the very least. Only you can know for certain your feelings towards him when that happens."
With that, the Preserver left, and Vorazun was once more left in silence in the darkened halls of the Nerazim part of the Citadel. She stared at the Khalai Protoss even as she disappeared around the corner. Vorazun couldn't help but feel at least a little frustrated at the answer she was given, as it wasn't the one she was looking for. How could she know when her true feelings for him would reveal themselves? They had been through hell and back, from the awakening of the Hybrid and the destruction of Shakuras to the final reclamation of Aiur and the ultimate defeat of Amon. Yes, she had felt a sort of warmth in the way Artanis had treated her people, and especially her, but she had associated that with fleeting youthful infatuation, strong feelings at times for sure, but still fleeting, for those who were young and inexperienced. She didn't think those were strong enough signs that she had any true, lasting feelings for him. If they had done all of that and she still wasn't sure of how she felt towards him, what could possibly make her realize her feelings at this point?
Still, Rohana did have a point. The only one who could sort out her feelings was her and her alone. She didn't know when that would be, but now that she was made aware of his feelings for her, she would take the time to examine them more closely than she was allowed in previous years. Even though she was new to this sort of thing, she felt that she would come to her own conclusion soon enough. She just had to make sure what she felt for him was real, not something rash or in the moment.
Vorazun sighed, shaking her head. Ruminating on her feelings for this long was surely unhealthy for her in the long run. She needed to clear her head, put her focus on something else, then come back to the subject with a fresh perspective.
The Matriarch walked down the hall, set on fulfilling her end of the bargain to Rohana.
Artanis proceeded into a large chamber, multiple work benches arrayed across the gold-and-blue room in haphazard fashion. On each bench was an assortment of devices and tools, many of them missing pieces or otherwise incomplete.
The Hierarch moved past the Artificer Room, coming to a halt before a large window that gave a view of the surrounding city. His hands, fists when he'd first come in, uncurled. He let out a sigh, a habit that was becoming more and more apparent as time passed.
"Still now word from her, Hierarch?" Artanis turned to see Karax, Master Phasesmith and one of his best friends, approach him. One of his mechanical limbs put down a small contraption on one of the nearby benches among the many others. Nothing unusual about that. It was his personal workshop, after all.
The younger Khalai Protoss shook his head. "Still nothing," he said in resignation.
Karax stepped up next to his friend. "Pressuring her into a decision will not make her choose any faster, Hierarch. If anything, it'll make her take longer. You should know this about her at this point."
"And I do, Phasesmith," he said.
"Then why do you keep doing it?" he questioned.
"Because deep down I believe she already has an answer. She just will not admit it."
Karax shook his head. "You cannot truly believe that. You know that she has always been one to speak her mind when she is certain of something. You are simply making yourself believe that she has an answer."
"Or perhaps you fear she will give you an answer you are not prepared to hear," a metallic voice droned behind them. Talendar stepped out of the shadows, his footfalls lightly shaking the ground due to his immense bulk. The Purifier trotted over on four feet, the upper torso of the machine seeming strangely humanoid compared to his lower half. He was like a strange cross between an android and a dragoon. Or like those strange half-human, half-animal hybrid creatures from Terran mythology he'd heard Raynor talk about once. Centaurs, he thinks they were called.
Artanis raised an eyebrow at the massive Purifier. "You think I am afraid of her answer?"
The construct nodded once. "I know you are. I may not be Fenix as you remember him, but I still hold his memories. And I know that you have not been this enraptured by a female the entire time I have known you. And that is a very long time indeed. So, yes, I know you are afraid of what would happen if she rejects your advances."
The Hierarch looked away from Talendar. He was right of course, even if Artanis didn't want to admit it aloud. He didn't realize it at first, but he had become absolutely fascinated with Vorazun, from the whereabouts of her people, to the preservation of the culture she fought tooth and nail to protect, to even her personal wellbeing. It had gone beyond just looking out for a friend, for he'd never shown this sort of support to Karax, Selendis, or even Talendar or Rohana. No, he'd become infatuated by her, maybe even fallen in love, if such a thing were possible.
"So what am I to do, old friend?" he asked quietly, his back still to the both of them.
Karax and Talendar glanced at each other, before nodding once and facing him. "Treat her as if she is your friend, just as you have always done to us," the Purifier spoke first.
"Ease her into comfort," continued Karax. "If you truly want to court her, you need to make this change naturally. You've only known each other for eight years, after all."
Artanis nodded. For Terrans, eight years was a long time, a very long time indeed. For Protoss, however, due to their very long lifespans, it was an incredibly brief moment in their lives. When the people of Aiur still had the Khala, most Protoss didn't usually consider courting and mating their partners until they had known them for well over one or two hundred years. They had no need to rush their relationships, such was their lifespans.
Without the Khala, however, that mindset would most likely change. Because they had been able to feel the emotions of their people, their friends, family, and potential lovers, they could afford to be cautious, to build a strong, steady foundation between mates. However, the events of the last eight years along had been the most unprecedented in their species' history. The Invasion of Aiur, the Rediscovery of the Dark Templar, the Rise of Amon and the Hybrid, the Severing from the Khala, and the End War, all had happened within a very short span of time. It had made some among the Khalai reconsider taking the slower, more methodical approach. Artanis had been one of them.
"But in that time we have also been through much together," he pointed out to them. "From the exodus of our people to Shakuras all the way to Amon's fall, all of us had endured so much more than any of our ancestors before. Wouldn't that create an unbreakable bond between anyone, one forged in fire and blood?"
Talendar nodded in agreement. "Perhaps it would. However, we are all still Protoss in the end. We have never been ones to rush anything if we can help it."
"Still, that does not mean you should just give up on trying to court her," Karax added helpfully. "You must find a balance of sorts, show her you are interested in her, but do not appear obsessive. More often than not that sort of behavior has driven potential partners away. Perhaps you can offer to get her involved in some of your daily activities, where you can spend more time with each other without making it look like you are trying to get her to yourself."
Artanis nodded, scratching his chin absentmindedly. "Perhaps you are right," he acknowledged to them. "Perhaps I have been too direct with her. I have been putting too much pressure on her, all without giving her a good reason to accept my advances."
"What is something you can both do without making it look like a personal matter?" questioned Talendar.
"Well," he said, "I am about to embark on an expedition to the Cave of Relics. Rumor has it there may still be potential Xel'naga artifacts hidden there by the Shelak Tribe. We will attempt to retrieve them so they can be safely disposed of. It is most likely infested with what few Zerg there are left on Aiur."
"It will be dark and cramped down there," Karax informed him. "You will not have enough room to bring almost any of our war machines to assist you."
"Leaving us to the mercy of potential ambushes from many smaller Zerg organisms," the Hierarch finished, his face going dour at the thought of being down there without most of the Daelaam support units they usually brought.
"However," Karax continued, "this does provide a good opportunity to make use of the Dark Templar. Their stealth and use of Shadow Fury will be invaluable in clearing out the many swarms that will be waiting. Perhaps you can offer her a chance to accompany you."
Artanis nodded in agreement, pondering the information. Compared to Daelaam Zealots, of which would be one of the few units that could fit in the caves, the Nerazim would be much more useful. They were much more used to operating without support and were capable of being very maneuverable and flexible when the situation called for it. They proved invaluable as scouts and infiltrators when the End War began. He believed they would not have made it as far as they did without the assistance of Vorazun's people.
"I believe you are right, my friend," he said. "The Nerazim will be extremely helpful in providing us support as well make our way through the caves. And perhaps Vorazun would be interested in helping us oversee the retrieval of the Xel'naga artifacts."
"So there you have it!" Talendar affirmed. "You have the excuse and method. All you need is to send the request."
"Or, better yet, make it an invitation," Karax added.
"Yes," Artanis said, "that way she has a way out if she does not feel comfortable coming with me."
Karax and Talendar felt warm at the sight of their friend's lifted spirits, the gears in his head turning, a plan forming in his mind. For the last week, they had seen Artanis go look for Vorazun, trying to talk to her, just wanting to see her again. Each time he'd come back, crestfallen at being unable to find her again and again. It had been hard to see him look this way: the proud, might Artanis, Hierarch of the Daelaam, saddened because he couldn't see one of his closest friends. Originally, he hadn't even wanted an answer about Vorazun's feelings from her, just wanting to lay eyes on her. However, as the days went on, he felt his patience wearing thin. His confession to her on that day had opened up a flood of emotions, one that he found near-impossible to close. The first week after he'd told her what he thought of her, he thought he could keep his emotions restrained. He'd been wrong.
As he prepared to leave the Artificer Room, he looked back at the pair. "Thank you, my friends, for helping me through this. I know these last few days been difficult for both of you, seeing me like this."
"We are merely grateful that you are in much better spirits now, Artanis," Karax told him, handwaving his apology.
"Besides, that is what friends do," Talendar added, "help each other."
With that, Artanis left. There were many things he wished he'd been able to do in his life, many things he'd seen and done, things he'd regretted and things he'd wished he'd never seen. He was determined to not let what he had, and what he could have, with Vorazun become another thing on that list.