Chapter 1
TW- This story does contain some mature themes such as self harm, please do not read if you think this may affect/trigger you in any way
I have suffered with self harm in the past and still do now, if you need anyone to talk I'm always here. Just remember no matter how hard things seem, they will get better whether that's tomorrow, next week, in a couple of months or even a year. Never give up stay strong there are people out there who care about you 3
Hermione hated her life. She was hurting badly, and no one even noticed, no one cared. That's what she'd tell herself every night before she went to sleep, that's what she'd cry about when she was sitting by herself in her room, tears running down her face and that's what she'd think about as she slit her wrists over and over.
Hermione's parents had both died in a car accident during the summer holidays, they had been on their way to pick her up from the train station when a pickup truck had slammed into the windshield of their car and gave them both serious injuries. They were announced dead at the scene and Hermione was an orphan with no family who cared enough about her to let her live with them. Eventually, Ron's mom Mrs Weasley had taken her to the Burrow where she had been living with the entire Weasley family ever since. Despite the kindness of Mrs Weasley, Ginny and Ron, Hermione had never felt more alone. She missed her parents dreadfully, and there was a constant ache in her heart whenever anyone mentioned them.
By the end of the Summer, Hermione had learnt how to act happy around other people and fake a smile so nobody suspected that something was up. She pretended to have gotten over her parents' death and even joked lightheartedly about it when people brought the subject up. Before Hermione knew it, it was time to go back to Hogwarts and she had to get all her new school supplies ready. Mrs Weasley had payed for everything she needed, just like she did for the rest of the Weasley kids, and Hermione was starting to get the impression that she was trying very hard to make her feel like one of Mrs Weasley's own children.
After being waved off by Mr and Mrs Weasley, Hermione had taken a seat with Harry, Ron and Ginny who chatted enthusiasticly about Quidditch and the mysterious new Head Boy and Girl who were to be chosen that day. She nodded when she needed to and laughed when everyone else did, but she felt empty inside, like there was a hole in her heart that was weighing her down. When the food trolley came round and everyone bought chocolate frogs and other snacks, Hermione politely declined and excused herself to go to the toilet.
She ran out the carriage, glad that she was away from her friends so she could give up her 'I'm fine' act and let all the sadness and pain she felt show. She locked the cubicle door and sobbed quietly, having had enough of feeling low all the time. She sat down on the toilet seat for a few minutes, letting the tears roll down her cheeks and find their way to her lips, as she tastes the saltiness of them. Hermione wishes that she was dead, just like her dear mother and father, so then she wouldn't have to deal with the overbearing grief she felt when she woke up every morning without them. The more she thought of it, the more appealing death seemed to Hermione, her every tear and worry gone just like that. Nobody cared about her anyway, so it's not like they'd actually miss her if she died. Hermione shook her head slowly, trying not to give into her depressing thoughts and she stood up, drying her tears with the back of her hand and once again regaining her composure, and masking all emotion from her face.
She walked back into the carriage where all her friends were, noticing that Neville and Luna had joined the group whilst she was in the toilet. Luna waved her over with a smile, and she reluctantly walked over to them, feigning happiness at seeing them after 6 weeks.
"How are you holding up, Hermione?" Luna asked gently, squeezing Hermione's hand.
"I'm fine" she says, giving Luna a small reassuring smile.
"Good, now I heard that you've been living with Ron over the Summer, how's that arrangement working out?" she says, her eyebrows wiggling up and down suggestively.
Ron notices this gesture, and his cheeks flush a bright red colour, glancing at me in embarrassment. It's no secret that Ron has feelings for me, but despite what everyone thinks, I don't return those feelings like he probably wants me to. I think of us as close friends, and that will never change no matter what.
"It's alright, Mrs Weasley is really kind and I get along with Fred and George better than I expected to" I answer, dodging the meaning in her question entirely.
Luna notices and giggles foolishly, so I change the subject quickly before anymore can be said on my supposed 'crush' on Ron.
"Who do you think's going to be chosen for Head Boy and Girl?" I ask Neville, as he missed the conversation about it earlier.
"I think you'll be chosen for Head Girl, Mione" Ron interrupts loudly.
"No I won't, it'll probably be some smart girl from Slytherin or something if Snape has a say in it".
"Oh come on, Hermione, no need to be modest. You're the smartest girl in our year by far, if anyone is going to be chosen, it'll be you" Ron argues.
Is that all anyone ever thinks of me as, the smartest one, the nerd? I'm done with being teased for always getting my homework done early or for studying in the library whilst everyone else messes around. I'm not a 'bookworm', I just care about my schoolwork and want to do well in the future. Well, I did. That was before my parents had died and my whole life had come crashing down, now I didn't care about anything, I was too depressed to even think about having a future.
"I don't think so.." I reply, annoyed.
"Well, I do" Ron answers immediately, frowning in confusion at my change of mood.
"What about Head Boy?" Neville butts in, sensing the mood between me and Ron and wanting to change the subject again.
"Draco Malfoy" Ginny says, disgust in her voice.
"Not if Dumbledore gets to choose, Draco was way too much of a spiteful bully last year to be allowed the position of Head Boy" Harry says.
"Yeah, I suppose" Ginny agrees, anything to avoid an argument with Harry.
The girl was obviously obsessed with him, and Harry was oblivious to it. Poor Ginny, she has had a massive crush on Harry ever since First Year and he's never so much as payed attention to her as more than a friend, except when he went out his way to save her from the Chamber of Secrets.
For the rest of the train journey, we chat about memories from other years and everyone laughs at the memory of Ron throwing up slugs after Draco cursed him. Ron's cheeks turn bright red for the second time, and he looks super embarrassed that everyone saw him doing something so disgusting.
Eventually, we arrive at Hogwarts and we are all made to gather in the Hall whilst the First Years are grouped into houses just like every school year. We cheer from the tables when a child is given Gryffindor and they find a seat at the table. Seeing their innocent fresh faces brings me back to when I first joined Hogwarts and made friends with Harry and Ron. Just thinking about the past and how happier my life was back then makes me sad so I try not to dwell it on for any longer.
After every First Year has been given their house, everyone tucks into the Feast of food that is layed out on our tables. I choose not to eat anything though, ignoring the growling protests of my stomach, not feeling up to eating.
"Are you ok, Mione?" Harry and Ron both look at me in concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Harry asks, trying to work out what's wrong with me.
"No thanks, I'm not really hungry" I answer, lying.
While everyone eats their food and catches up with each other noisily, I am left alone with my thoughts and I can't help but feel alone even when the Hall is crowded with students, from every year. I watch enviously as Lavender Parvati throws her head back and laughs happily at Malfoy on the Slytherin table, I long to be genuinely happy like her again, and to be able to have fun with my friends without being weighed down with sadness and pain.
Suddenly, Dumbledore clears his throat loudly and everyone goes silent, watching excitedly as all the teachers gather on stage and hold out a parchment of paper which must say the names of the Head Boy and Girl.
"After much thought, me, Professor Snape and Professor Mcgonagall have come to the decision of the students we have chosen to be Head Boy and Girl. Now, the decision wasn't easy, and we had many possible options to chose from but two exceptional students stood out from the rest for both behaviour and determination and these students are….. Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy" Professor Dumbledore announces.
Me, Head Girl with Draco Malfoy….was this a joke? I look over to where Malfoy's sitting at the Slytherin table with a look of absolute disgust on his pale face. He whispers something to Lavender who's sitting next to him, and they both laugh cruelly before glaring over at me. I return their glare, showing them that I hate them just as much as they hate me.
"Can you both please come to the stage and collect your badges, please?"
I slowly stand up out of my chair, to the cheer of other students and make my way up to stairs that lead to the stage, standing on the right side of Dumbledore while Malfoy stands on the left. He hands us both our badges, and I sit down at my table again, Ron grins at me in amusement as if to say 'I told you so' and Harry gives me a pat on the back.
"I'm so proud of you Herms, just think my best friend is Head Girl! I knew you would be, you've always been smarter than everyone else, that's why people got so annoyed when you always had your hand up in class. It's bad luck that Malfoy's Head Boy though, imagine having to share chambers with him for the rest of the year!" Ginny teases, giving me a big hug.
"Yeah, if the stupid ferret annoys you, just tell me and I'll sort him out for you!" Ron tells me.
Everyone bursts out laughing and Ron looks over at them in confusion.
"What's so funny?" he asks.
"You threatening to 'sort Malfoy out', you couldn't hurt a fly, Ron!" Harry laughs, much to Ron's humiliation.
"Yes I could!" Ron argues.
"No you couldn't, you'd end up cursing yourself again" I agree with Harry, teasing Ron .
"That was only that one time" Ron says in his defense.
"Hmmmm.." we all say before the loud speaker interrupts our conversation.
"Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy, go to Dumbledore's office please"
"You better go then Mione', before these lot embarrass me infront of you even more" Ron jokes.
"Yeah, go see to your Head Duties" Ginny laughs, glad it wasn't her that was chosen.
I arrive at Dumbledore's office and knock on the door gently.
"Come in!" a voice booms and I hear an annoyed sigh.
I enter anyway, and Draco got there before me and is now glaring at me again unwelcomingly, I ignore him and sit down.
"Well, I've got a list of your Head Duties and times here" Dumbledore says. "You can sort out between you who wants to do which duties at which time, here's the key to your Head Chambers, the password is 'Firecrackers'" he hands us a long silver key with a green gemstone at the end and the he motions for us to leave as he's busy.
Just as I am about to walk out the door after Malfoy, he slams the door in my face with a thud. I open it, unfazed and walk out, following after him.
"Thanks for that, Malfoy" I say sarcasticly.
"You're welcome, Granger" he answers me, smirking.
We walk to our new Chambers in silence and Draco mutters the password to the Fat Lady in the Painting before we enter and part into our separate bedrooms. I immediately head for the shower, grabbing my towel and pyjamas on the way.
"Hurry up, Granger, try not to take too long in our shower, I don't want your dirty Mudblood germs anywhere near me" he says, wrinkling his nose at me.
"Don't worry, I wouldn't want to ruin your perfect Pureblood skin anyway" I spit out harshly and push past him into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I would never admit it to Malfoy but it hurt when I got called a Mudblood, because out of all the insecurities I have my bloodline is one of them, I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make myself like everyone else, but I hate being picked on so much because my parents aren't wizards. I let the calming hot water from the shower run down my body, I smile, relieved, as the pressure of the water hits my many cuts that are now all over my body. My hands automatically reach for the small silver blade that I put on the side, I slowly drag it down my wrists, watching sadly as the blood drips down my arms and lands on the shower floor. 'When did my life become like this, how did things get so bad?' I think as I make sure every last trace of blood has been washed down the drain, I wouldn't want to give Malfoy anything more to tease me about. I then step out of the shower, and get dressed into my pyjamas before opening the door and hurrying out, trying to get to my own bedroom as quickly as possible to get out of the ferret's way.
As I'm hurrying, Draco grabs my arm forcefully and spins me around to face him, I wince in pain as his bony fingers scratch my fresh cuts. This doesn't go unnoticed by Malfoy however, and he stares at me in confusion.
"What's the matter with you Granger, surely I didn't hurt you that bad, I only grabbed your wrist to get your attention?".
"No, no, you didn't hurt me at all" I gabble nervously, before turning back around again to make a quick escape before he says anything else.
Malfoy studies my reaction suspiciously before grabbing my wrist for a second time and pulling my sleeves up, revealing the collection of red scars that ride all the way up my arm from the bottom of my wrist to my elbow. Some of the scars are faded and puckered, but the fresh ones that I made just then stand out very clearly on my pale wrist, still a dark red colour.
'Oh, no' I think in a panic, as my heart thuds nervously in my chest.