Uni had a problem.
"Uni!"
"No."
"But Uni!"
"Nepgear, no."
"But... but..."
"For the last time, I don't want to talk to you about your crush on Vert!"
"But she so hoooooooot!"
Uni didn't say anything for a few minutes, taking the opportunity to sling piercing shots at a Killarex on her screen. Nepgear wasn't wrong, but...
"You know," she ventured conversationally, "when I asked you out last month, I was worried you'd reject me and things would get weird between us and then we would slowly drift apart because of the rift that formed from our awkward dancing around each other."
"Uni..." If she looked to her left, she'd probably get a pout.
"And you did reject me and you do like someone else."
"Uni, I'm-"
"Oh no, you don't get to apologise for not liking me that way! It's not your fault! Honestly, I was grateful that you were still earnest about wanting to be my friend and you didn't do the distancing thing I was afraid of."
"W-was? But-"
"If someone told me after all that it would be your awkwardness driving me away, I'd have called them crazy!"
"But there's no one else I can talk to about this! I'm sorry!"
Uni huffed mightily, but then she thought about it while she rolled her character through the frantic charging of her on-screen foe. Neptune was insane, Rom and Ram were too young(?), Blanc was a pervert shut-in, Noire was... Noire, and Vert was the point of contention in the first place.
"... okay, yeah, I have to concede that point."
There was a comfortable silence for about ten seconds before Nepgear showed she was related to Neptune by standing straight up and falling backward on Uni's bed in a slovenly mess, pulling a pillow over her face and kicking her legs in a muffled tantrum. Uni got an eyeful of stripes when she chanced a glance back over her shoulder at what the heck was even happening. She rolled her eyes. Was this really who she'd been crushing on for like a year? She dropped a shock trap and loaded her slicing ammo.
A plaintive "What am I gonna dooooo!?" pierced her hunt-Zen and she reflexively snapped back testily.
"Have you considered just telling her?" The rustling of the tantrum stopped as Nepgear went very still. Uni sighed and paused the game to turn around and look at her friend. "Seriously, Gear? I mean, really?"
"But... I think she just thinks of me as a 'little sister'," Nepgear, now on her side hugging Uni's SG 550 pillow, admitted pensively.
"So change how she thinks of you. You did it before!"
"We don't talk about that timeline!" was the instant and very intense response, Nepgear's eyes briefly flashing with ominous dark fire. Uni didn't see her move, but Nepgear's glare bored into her from kissing dis- Haha, I'm in danger. -from far too close.
There was a beat. (Noire was probably doing another "anonymous" cosplay dance stream.)
"... What," she blurted dumbly.
"I mean, uh, goodness, how should I do that?" Nepgear was sitting back at a reasonable conversing distance.
Uni stared for a few seconds. She really is related to Neptune. Is her sister's weirdness rubbing off on her or is it just a Planeptune thing?
"Uhm. Yeah. Uh... how did you convince her to fight the Deity of Sin anyway?"
"No comment."
Uni raised an eyebrow.
"No comment."
"Right, well consider it your homework to think about that. Maybe read some of Blanc's books for inspiration."
"But those are shameless smut!"
Uni savoured Nepgear's rejoinder for a few moments with a straight face before the smile cracked open at one corner. "Huh, guess Noire owes me a new scope!" Nepgear, sitting up but still showing off what was under her skirt, tilted her head in confusion.
"Never mind, it's not important." Uni waved it off nonchalantly. "Though on the subject of shame ..." Tapping her chin, she hummed thoughtfully, "Vert's an adult, right? If you're trying to be serious, I hope your battle panties aren't those silly stripes." She smirked at Nepgear's squeak as she covered herself and turned back to her game.
She never saw the ballistic pillow that drove her through the wall or the lavender streak leaving out the window that called her a meanie.
"Okay, I guess I deserved that," Uni admitted from her crumpled heap of debris. "Oww..."
From the speakers of the toppled display, she heard the familiar sound of cats dragging her body back to the camp.
But Nepgear wasn't bothering her about her crush anymore and might even do something about it. Uni was willing to call it a draw.
Nepgear was quite put out as she tore through the sky toward the comfort of her lab.
Stupid Uni, making fun of me when I'm thirsty!
Unfortunately, it was hard to pout and imagine doing lewd things to Vert at the same time and Uni had been trying to help her in her own way, so maybe they were even after she...
"Goodness, I may have overreacted a tiny bit."
Rip In Peace, pillow, wall, screen, and possibly Uni! It was for a good cause. A Vert cause.
In this way (which is to say "violently hormonal and disjoint"), Nepgear plotted her next move to get in Vert's sheets.
#AN: Sometimes you have to be the VertGear you want to see in the world. Really, for all it gets joked about, no one ever does it! (Blade of Justice was close before they fell off the planet. Please come back?) This idea nagged at me for months while I was chipping away on other stories, so here you go: some high-effort crack-esque shitposting (which is, as you know, the most canon-compliant sort of Nepfic)! This premise is entirely sincere, though: Vert would never have the guts make the first move. No schedule or even a guarantee it'll be finished (natch), but I at least have a loose plot sketched out in my head? Thanks for reading!