December came in with snow. Ressler had been expecting as much. It had gotten cold, falling below freezing several weeks ago and staying consistently there. Long nights of freezing usually symbolized snow. And the night before, when he had supported his very tired wife up the stairs and tucked her in, there had a been a long bank of pale gray clouds on the horizon.
So when Agnes woke up and pulled open her curtains to find the ground white and lazy big flakes falling she had run first to her brothers room to do the same to his window and show him, then down the long hallway and around the corner to their parents bedroom.
Ressler was drifting somewhere between sleeping and wakefulness, in that dreamy area where you exist right before you awake, when he heard the heavy door open, revealing the sounds of little feet that the thick wood had previously blocked out. This house, built the way it was, was a great sound blocker and usually they couldn't hear sounds outside of their room at all. They certainly wouldn't hear the kids until it was too late. So they were very good about locking the door when they made love, to prevent their very innocent children from seeing something very not-innocent much too soon in their young lives.
But last night had not been one of those nights. Liz had been exhausted and he'd all but carried her to bed, nestled her in around her pregnancy pillow, and kissed her goodnight before pulling the blanket over her. Then he'd gone back to the kitchen and made himself a cup of hot chocolate, something he secretly loved but publicly denied, and took it back to bed where he'd read his book for an hour next to Liz's slumbering form.
She was still sleeping now. She had been more tired lately, though not usually this tired, and he'd taken to letting her sleep late in the mornings. He'd set an alarm on his watch instead of his phone so that the vibrations on his wrist would wake him but not disturb Liz. And he found that if he got the kids ready, made breakfast, packed the lunches, laid out clothes for her and him that he could buy her almost an extra hour. Then he'd sit the kids with their backpacks in the living room with books or toys and tell them to wait and put on their coats and boots and mittens and all that. He'd go back to the master bedroom, wake Liz, and then they'd both change and do their hair and Liz would quickly put on mascara and they'd be on their way. She'd eat the breakfast he'd made for her and wrapped in tin foil while he drove and the kids chatted away. Every day, and it helped a lot.
He was secretly a little selfish in that too, because if she slept late then she'd stay up a little at night with him, often taking him to their bed, and desperately wanted that to continue.
But last night had been the odd one out and she had been genuinely exhausted and he was okay with that too. Instead, hot chocolate and a book had provided a welcome break. Liz knew he was a chocolate guy, and she knew about the hot chocolate, but still it was nice to have an hour to himself and nobody else. Good to escape into a book that he'd picked up weeks ago. Good to watch Liz sleep, take in the beauty of her hair in the light of the moon, how long her eyelashes were, the swell of her breasts and the sloping curve of her belly. And to realize a new the feelings it provoked inside of him. His bottomless love for her.
But that serenity, which he was feeling again now, Liz curled next to him on her side, the heat of their bodies pressed together; it was about to be shattered.
Agnes and Ethan came running in and automatically around to his side of the bed, Agnes was jumping up and down, Ethan was not so quiet.
"Daddy! It's snowin'!" he shouted.
Ressler sat upright in bed, the covers falling to his waist and leaned away from Liz, letting his elbow take his weight.
"Sshhhh" he emphasized, putting a finger to his lips. "Let Mommy sleep. Whisper!" he said it all in a whisper and Ethan nodded, then promptly clamped a hand between his thighs. "And go pee. Now!" said Ressler, pointing at the door of the ensuite.
Ethan made a noise of agreement and skipped off, one hand still clutching his Tonka pants. Ressler knew he was wearing a pull-up but he clearly hadn't used it overnight and that a feat for his age. 2 and a half and he was going dry through the nights.
"Can we go out and play?" asked Agnes, even as grabbed the comforter, stuck a foot on the box spring and vaulted herself into her parents big bed. Ressler turned on his side and shuffled back until he felt Liz's back meet his own, leaving Agnes space on the outside next to him. Ethan came out of the bathroom a minute later, turned to go back when Ressler said "flush and wash", and then came back a second time and joined Agnes next to him.
"Please can we go out and play?" asked Agnes. "It's a Saturday!" Ethan didn't know what 'a Saturday' was but he definitely also wanted to play and nodded along.
"Okay, quietly" said Ressler and he tucked the covers behind him around Liz, then teasingly shoved the kids out of the bed. "Let's let Mommy sleep." They slid feet first from the bed and hurried for the door, excited to be going out to play.
Ressler groaned, stretched one last time, took a second to mourn the loss of the warmth of his bed and wife and then followed them, grabbing a hoodie to cover his naked chest.
An hour later they were cold and wet and more then ready to come in. The snowman had flopped, but snow angels were all over the ground and a snowball fight had taken place.
Now Ressler hauled the kids inside and stripped them of their snowsuits and himself of his ski outfit.
"Ok, lets throw everything in the dryer" he suggested, "and then we'll make some pancakes, bacon and eggs for breakfast. How's that sound?"
He wasn't sure about them, but he'd definitely worked up an appetite in the cold and could use some breakfast.
"Okay" he said, "bring me all your stuff." He held open the dryer door and the kids brought their snow stuff and threw it all in, except the boots which went upside down on top of the heat register. He threw in one of the good smelly thingies and shut the door, starting it. "Let's go." He said, already reaching for the Keurig machine.
Liz woke to the feeling of the babies moving, the slow languid shift of fluid that went with their movements. She didn't know if it was because they had just woken themselves and started moving or if it was because they'd already been moving for some time and she was just now noticing because her bladder was so full.
She got up to fix that last issue and noticed on her way to the bathroom that great smells were coming from the kitchen vicinity.
Shit, its after 10, she realized. She wrapped her housecoat around herself, tying it closed on top of her baby bump. They were still moving, pulling with them the deeper parts of her, shifting things and making her feel strangely full, wet and deep inside of her. It reminded her alarmingly of the way Ressler felt inside of her as well, and she was comforted suddenly by his sons, stretching their boundaries. There was just something surreal in the feeling of carrying a man's child. Of carrying Ressler's children. That feeling that she somehow carried him as well. And she did, she supposed. As much as that was physically possible.
She entered the kitchen to find a fire roaring in the dining room fireplace. Ressler must have built it. He'd gotten and chopped massive quantities of wood for the last several weeks and it was now stored in a wood shed behind the back deck. There was snow falling outside, she could see the flakes landing on the windowsill. Ethan sat on his booster seat at the table, hot chocolate in his hands.
"Mommy!" he called at seeing her, "I got a big boy mug." He did, but that meant he wasn't allowed to leave the table and he knew that. Liz walked over to ruffle his curls, still damp, and kiss his head.
They must have gone out to play, she realized. They all had red noses and ears and she could hear the clicking of a zipper in the dryer.
Ressler stood at the stove in checked pajama pants, a hoodie and fuzzy socks, making bacon, eggs and pancakes all at the same time. Agnes stood next to him on the pantry stool, dropping chocolate chips into the pancakes.
Liz wasn't a huge fan of pancakes and neither was Ressler, generally speaking, but they'd found a way around it for the kids. They made pancakes, but it was waffle batter. And with chocolate chips, it basically tasted like a flat waffle. But the kids hadn't noticed and were convinced that it was two seperate things.
He had a mug of coffee sitting next to him, half gone and the whole room smelled delicious.
"Hey honey" she said, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around his torso, kissing her daughter's head at the same time. He smelled faintly of sweat, no doubt from being trapped in ski clothes, and aftershave, and if she blinked real hard and put her imagination into it she thought he smelt of her. "You're mine" she said, not sure exactly what had prompted it. Her imagined scents or the babies movement or the cozy atmosphere of the wintery scene outside or the way he'd made a safe haven for her and the kids - made a home out of a house. Whatever the case, she loved him and felt suddenly possessive of him.
"Hey" he said in reply, turning enough to kiss her briefly before turning back to the stove. "And you're mine" he replied in turn.
She sighed, snuggling against the warmth of his back, her face pressed between his shoulder blades.
"How can I help?" she asked.
"Uuuumm, you can set the table" suggested Ressler and she nodded so that he could feel it before stepping away to do so.
After breakfast they sent the kids upstairs to play in the rec room and settled themselves on the couch. Ressler was sitting comfortably, legs splayed and Liz sat sideways burying her frozen toes between his thighs. He felt the temperature difference in his genitals and his legs snapped shut as she made sure to place her toes directly on him in teasing. She felt him draw up and then he removed her feet and pulled them on top of his lap and massaged them, slowly bringing the heat back into them. It felt amazing and she could feel the strength in his fingers as he massaged.
She felt the babies start to move again and raised her shirt. She noticed this morning in the bathroom that she could see them move through her skin now. And moving they were, now that she'd just ate. They loved when she ate. She thought they probably just got a sugar rush.
"Hey look" she said to get his attention and he looked up from her feet, "the babies are moving again."
He stared at the drum tight skin of her belly for a minute before catching what she had intended he see - the distinct ripple as a bony prominence or limb of some form moved visibly through her skin.
"Woah" he said, "your skin!" he pointed. "I can see the babies moving under it!" He dropped her feet and pulled his own on the couch, shuffling up it to sit nearer her belly. "Look at them!"
As far as they knew from their last appointment a few weeks ago both babies were still upright in her pelvis. That meant their heads were below her ribcage and their bums sitting in her pelvis bone, legs tucked up. They still had a little space to move. As they lost that space, one baby would probably flip upside down, dropping into birth position. For a single birth that wouldn't happen until the very end but with twins it would be sooner because that was the best way to conserve space. Likely the second baby wouldn't turn like that until very late in the pregnancy or even more likely until after labor had begun.
She felt a shift again and watched as something shifted in her womb. A lot shifted actually. She seen a bulge appear far on the left beneath her lowest rib and then the same thing on the right.
"Hey, they're a heart!" said Ressler, then he gently touched both bulges. It did look distinctly like the top of a heart but she couldn't see the bottom. She leaned forward a little to see better. They were on their sides facing each other apparently. Somebody's knee or elbow bopped at her swollen belly button and the distinct outline of a foot was visible above her waistband.
"Oh, wow! They are in a heart!"
"Like one on each side." His finger found the dark line that was beginning to form on the center of her stretching abdomen, tracing it from beneath her breasts down the roundest part to her waistband. Liz felt suddenly self conscious about the marking, even though she knew it was normal in pregnancy.
The babies stayed that way for some time, clearly content and Ressler went back to massaging her feet.
Several packages arrived later in the day and were smuggled into their bedroom to be wrapped later when the kids were sleeping.
"Don't get me a present or anything okay Liz" said Ressler randomly from where he sat on the floor, one leg stretched out, one bent at the knee, wrapping paper spread in between. "It's just - we can't do birthdays and Christmas and our anniversary. It's just too much."
"Okay" agreed Liz quickly, she hadn't been sure what to do anyway. She was all out of gift ideas for him.
"I'm serious" he said, clearly not believing her 'okay.' "I'm not getting you anything."
"Okay!" she said again and looked up at him, scissors in hand.
He nodded, taken aback and it was quiet for a minute. When he started back in again it was on a new topic.
"Talked to Aram today."
"Oh yah? What did he say?"
"Apparently Yvonne went in to have eggs harvested today."
"What? Really?"
"Yah" he nodded. "I guess they are trying to keep it on the down low."
"Oh" she could respect that. "So now what?"
"I don't know exactly. Aram had to give sperm and then the doctors do their thing with the petri dish I guess and they're trying for implantation on New Year's I believe."
"So like how many?"
"I think they harvested 20 eggs, but they were going to freeze half. For - later - I guess. I know it's expensive so..."
"So they fertilize 10 and see what takes I guess."
"I think so yah" Ressler made a cut and the scissors glided cleanly through the paper, "I really don't know how it works."
"Well, I guess they're really doing it" said Liz.
"Yah, and this is a good time. Hopefully they'll be within a year of the twins and then they have friends for life, like us."
They finished wrapping what gifts they had, several more were ordered and they were just awaiting their arrival. Then they went to bed tired and fell asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow.
It was Christmas Eve morning that Liz woke and went to the bathroom to discover that overnight sometime stretch marks had started to appear on her belly and sides. She hadn't had that at all with Agnes but then she'd never even been this big with Agnes either.
Upon closer inspection they were actually quite long marks, reddish in the center and she could feel the marks in her skin like depressions.
Ugly. They are really really ugly. She had known of course that they might be coming but as time passed and it hadn't happened she'd begun to hope she could get through this lucky without them. But she was down the last three months, which is when they were gaining the most weight and apparently her body had reached the point where it simply gave up the fight.
She pulled her shirt down furiously, not wanting to look at herself and walked out of the bathroom. Thankfully Ressler had already left the room and was down the hall somewhere, probably the kitchen. He hadn't seen it.
And suddenly she didn't want him to ever see it. God, he'd think it ugly too. And then he wouldn't want her anymore. At least not in the way he had before when she would wake to find that he did in fact want her and quite badly at that. Stretch marks weren't sexy at all. It would turn him off.
She chose the longest shirt she opened, a knitted half-dress and pulled it on with high waisted pregnancy leggings so nothing was visible. Steeling herself she walked out of the room to face the day.
The issue didn't re-arise until late that night when they were getting ready for bed. It was quite late. The kids, hopped up on sugar and the promise of Santa and Christmas the next day had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep. Snow was falling steadily outside, turning the entire world silent and peaceful. The gifts were under the tree and it was time for Mr. and Mrs. Claus to go to bed themselves.
Ressler noticed Liz take her pajamas and disappear into the bathroom, which was weird but he didn't say anything about it. Instead he stripped to his boxers himself and crawled in bed, turning off the light but leaving the lamp.
Liz came out of the bathroom a minute later and crawled in on her side without a word.
Sensing something was up, but not sure what to say, he turned to face her side, which she had also done. He scooted to press himself behind her and wrap her in his arms.
Assuming he wanted more, given the day and the atmosphere of it, but not wanting so herself, Liz swatted his arm away.
And to be honest, originally he had wanted more, a part of him still did, but not if she didn't. It was Christmas, the season of love. Kill him if it was wrong to want to make love to his wife.
But something was wrong. He knew that.
When she slapped at his hands he pulled back. If she didn't want to be touched, well - experience had taught him it was best to respect that. But that didn't mean that he wasn't pursuing this.
"Liz?" he asked, his voice soft behind her. "What's going on?"
She just grunted and burrowed deeper into the bed.
Carefully he put a hand out again, but this time just to touch her shoulder, not to wrap around her. She let him, but moved slightly at his touch. He pulled on her shoulder, rolling her back and forcing her to look up at him.
"What's wrong?" he asked again. His eyes were soft and loving, but she didn't hold his gaze. Instead she looked away. When he felt her try to roll away again he tightened his grip on her shoulder so she couldn't. "Liz? Please talk to me? Why can't I touch you?"
"I -" she sniffled and he was surprised to see how fast the tears appeared in her eyes. "I don't want you to see me naked" she admitted.
"What? Why would - why?" he was confused. "Why?"
"I'm ugly now."
"You're not ugly" he objected. "You are beautiful."
"You just have to say that. I'm having your babies."
"But I really mean it, Liz" he objected. He hated conversations like this. His fate was sealed from the beginning. "You are no different then the naked Liz I seen - 3 or 4 days ago." It actually had been several days, come to think of it.
"But I am" she said and then to show him and because he was bound to find out anyway, she pushed down the covers and pulled up her shirt. "I got stretch marks" she said with a sniffle.
"Oh honey" said Ressler, and his hand immediately fell to the marks in question, visible in the lamp light. "You think I care?"
"Yah" she admitted. Of course he cared. "Men want their wives to be beautiful."
"Men want their wives to love them, Liz. At least the good ones do. That's very different. Beauty is only superficial. And for what it's worth - you're more beautiful to me right now then you have ever been."
"You really think so?" she asked, sniffling again. He wiped the tears from her cheek quickly before bending to kiss the marks on her stretched skin.
"I really think so" he nodded emphatically. "You know why? Because you love me. Because you knew from the day we decided to do this for real that I wanted children of my own. You knew that this day would come and you did it anyway. For me. I know that. And Liz - that means everything to me. That's the clearest sign of love that you could have ever given me. And when I see these marks Liz? Now? 40 years from now? They're going to remind me of you like you are today. Swollen with my babies deep inside your belly. The way I see them moving under your skin but can't touch them. Because you, your body, is keeping them safe, protecting them until they're ready to be born. Until I can protect them. That's what I see Liz. The woman I love giving up her own body to guard the children I so helplessly desire. Doing something I can never do myself. Because she loves me."
His hand squeezed her hip as he talked and she could see the tension in his body, his desire to claim her and the babies both. His need for her to understand. His subconscious effort to say the right thing, to show his love, his gratitude. She recognized the primal lust and love that the vision of her pregnant body stirred in him. Like a wolf or a buck roused by the sight of their mate, sides bulging with the offspring they had sired.
She could feel him against the back of her leg, had felt the changes in his anatomy as he talked, the longer his eyes swept hungrily across her curved body. She also doubted that he'd felt those changes himself.
The need to possess.
Maybe he was speaking the truth.
"You really think so?" she asked again.
He just nodded, smiling down at her, and wiped her tears again, not noticing that his own fell.
He was itching with tension. Like a wire strung taut. She put them both out of their misery.
"Show me" she said simply.
It took a second for him, just staring down at her. But then her words broke the multitude of thoughts he was thinking and he bent to her. And he showed her.
Liz woke early on Christmas morning to the squeals of little children. Little hands and knees crawled over legs and started up the bed.
Belatedly, she realized the issue this would be. She was very very naked beneath the blanket.
Is he? She ventured a hand at the slowly rousing form behind her with a groan. Yup, yup he is. Very very naked.
"Don!" she hissed quietly.
Evidently he was now reaching similar conclusions because she felt him flip suddenly to lie on his stomach, a position he generally hated, and then he whispered in her ear.
"Boxers please"
They were in fact on the floor on her side of the bed and she leaned down to snatch them up, careful to keep one hand on the blanket on her chest.
"Hey kiddos" said Ressler's voice, extra cheery from beside her even as his hand found hers and the article of clothing it held beneath the blankets. "What you doing up so early?"
Oh, God, of all the things... they were so good about not falling asleep after. How had they? Oh, Oh yah. That was how.
The night before came back to her and she smiled before bouncing back to the present.
Both of Ressler's hands had disappeared beneath the covers and she seen some shuffling of the feet and then he lifted his pelvis from the bed, slipping his underwear into place and then carefully pulling back the covers and stepping out, bending for pajama pants from the floor.
"It's Christmas!" said Agnes excitedly.
"San'a commed" said Ethan.
"Santa came" corrected Agnes, already well established in her role as older sister. "We seen the presents under the tree and we came to wake you up!"
"We open 'dem Daddy?" asked Ethan.
"That sounds good sweetie" said Liz, ruffling his full head of thick loose curls, "but Mommy needs a minute. Why don't you go with Daddy. Make some hot chocolate first."
Daddy was pulling on a shirt but he nodded as soon as his head poked through the top.
"Yup" he agreed, "let's go Eth. You too Aggie" he reached to swing them both to the floor and then they all headed out the door
"Mommy will be there right away!" Liz called after them.
Well, she thought passively, flopping her head back on the pillows, that could have gone a lot worse. They nearly had a harsh dose of reality. Still, they couldn't afford close calls like that much longer. Agnes was bound to notice something.
As the kids dove into their stacks of new toys and blankets and chocolate Liz found herself sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate and holding Ressler's hand. The babies were quiet for the time being, apparently asleep.
She knew that later in the day Ressler had agreed to take the kids skating for the first time. He'd made a skating rink in the far corner of their huge backyard and Liz could barely see it from the window. He'd nailed some boards into a rectangular shape and stretched plastic in it, filling it slowly with water and letting it freeze. He only added water on days when it was calm so that it wouldn't freeze with ripples from the wind. Now it was done and among the gifts that their kids were opening were hockey skates and helmets. Ressler already owned a pair of his own and Liz - well her winter coat wouldn't close around her belly and that was indication enough for her to stay off the ice.
He'd been talking about his great plans for an in ground pool but Liz wasn't convinced. She said only if it was fenced. She suspected he'd give in and just buy an above ground one until their kids were older. Whatever the case that seemed like a problem for the summer.
But still - a skating rink. He'd made them a skating rink. It was probably similar to what he'd had grown up, but Liz was impressed with the lengths he went to.
"You really are a cool Dad you know that?" she said.
It was very random and he gave her a look, mug suspended mid air.
"Making your kids a skating rink of their own and teaching them to skate. They've got the coolest Dad in the neighborhood."
It was true. They'd met their neighbors on either side, one of which was an older couple with no kids at home, and the other a young family with two or three kids around Ethan's age, who names she couldn't remember. But she was sure that as soon as they got a bit older and realized the existence of the others those kids would be over all the time.
Especially if they had a cool Dad who built them a skating rink and a cool Mom who would bring them snacks and drinks in a thermos.
"Why thank-you" said Ressler, somewhat humbly, "and you're the coolest Mom."
When the gifts were opened and the tree almost buried in a pile of wrapping paper Ressler took the kids outside. Liz watched them skating from the kitchen window as she made lunch, falling on their butts a million times but always getting back up again.
When they came in, starving and red nosed two hours later she had a hot meal ready and waiting for them. After lunch they put on some Christmas carols and had the kids singing brokenly along when they knew the words. A group showed up at their door and Liz was shocked that that was still done. At night they all went to church to hear the wonders of Jesus's birth and by the time they fell exhausted into bed Liz knew they'd done well on their first Christmas with a family.
The rest of December passed in snow men and sleigh rides and festivities as it always did and on the second last day of the year they went again to the OB, this time for the 32 week appointment.
One baby had flipped upside down into the birthing position and wasn't likely to switch back. The doctor said that her markings were normal and nothing to be concerned about. And the more Liz looked at them the more she realized that her body was still beautiful. Her belly certainly was and she loved to show off how huge it was.
The doctor also said Liz's cervix was doing valiantly and nothing seemed to be amiss there so sex was still okay, which had them both smiling.
Liz reported that her back pain hadn't changed much but was still present at the end of a long day and was easily treated with a hot bath and Ressler's magic hands. The doctor warned her of the possibility of some upcoming Braxton Hicks contractions. She told her to cut back to half days at work to which Liz quickly agreed, because she was tired a lot, and wanted to rest up.
They were 32 weeks. The babies looked to weigh about 4lbs and while everyone was healthy the reality was that they had reached the point where they had to be prepared to expect the unexpected.
Twins born at 32 weeks weren't all that rare. They spoke to the doctor about their birth plan - which was get to the hospital ASAP after her water broke - and the doctor laughed, but agreed that that was best. Feeling slightly more prepared they headed for home.
"I think it'll be a bit yet" said Liz later that night in bed. "They just don't feel ready to come out. I haven't had any Braxton Hicks, and I haven't felt anything - off. I think it'll be a bit."
"I think so too" agreed Ressler, "Or maybe I just hope so." He was still very worried that it was too soon, even though he knew that the survival rate at 32 weeks was very high. "But you make sure you tell me if that changes or if you think you are having contractions."
Because they kids were still going to school and daycare they didn't think Ressler had to cut down at work yet, hopefully not until right before the birth because there was less hours of paid paternity leave then maternity leave. And if he took more then 6 weeks it wouldn't be covered. And chances were he'd already be taking more then that after the birth. They knew Cooper was good with it, it was simply the lack of financial income that they were considering.
"Well my due date is February 27" said Liz. "I don't know if I'll make it that far, but I'm hoping February at least."
"We can do it" said Ressler supportively, "it's just around the corner."