"Hey, it's me. I just... I was just wanting to... "

She closed her eyes and shook her head at how weak and unsure she sounded. She took a deep breath to try to control her nerves so she could actually form a complete sentence and apologize like a damn adult for once.

"Look, I'm sorry for how we left things. I know that you have your life in LA and I can't just expect you to drop everything for me. I guess I was just so happy that you and I were finally on the same page about us and thought that we agreed to make decisions TOGETHER. And when you decided to just go after Cordelia without even considering how I felt about it... it just...it made me feel like I was in that sewer all over again with you making decisions for me, for us. I know that you were just doing what you thought was best. " Her voice started getting louder and her tone was getting more aggressive with each word.

"But God, Angel! Why can't you see that I love you just as much as you love me? And I don't want you getting hurt and I'm sorry if you going to a hell dimension to save Cordelia of all people rubbed me the wrong way and I ... I'm sorry."

She closed her eyes again and let out a humorless laugh when she realized how she was starting the fight all over again which was the very opposite of what she was trying to do. She took a deep breath and continued in what she hoped was a much softer tone.

"This was supposed to be an apology. I'm not angry at you anymore, I just want you to be safe and I..."

She stopped and took another breath.

"Angel. Things here are not... Glory. She has Dawn and I think, I think that I. ...I'm not going to win this time. Don't ask me how I know, i just have this feeling. I have fought so many battles, have been in this same position dozens of times, but I always knew. I just KNEW that I would win, but this time-"

She could hear the slight tremor in her own voice as she bared her soul on her boyfriend's answering machine.

"This time is different and I would give anything to have you by my side. But I don't blame you, please never think that. You wouldn't be you if you didn't put everyone ahead of your own needs, if you weren't so much of a damn hero. God, I love you for it. I love you so much Angel. These last couple of years not being able to tell you that has made me feel so stifled, but just saying it, just knowing that I can now. That WE can love each other, it gives me hope when I have none left."

"Buffy! It's time." The voice of her beloved watcher cut through her heartfelt speech.

She cursed softly and let a sigh of frustration.

"I have to go. I am sorry for the Buffy babble, but I just couldn't leave things like that. You're my heart Angel, the other half of my soul. Nothing that happens next will change that. I love you my Angel, see you on the other side."

—-—-

But she didn't see him, it had been 467 days since she left that voicemail on his machine. She never knew if he actually got it, sometimes she hoped that he didn't because she knew it would bring him guilt, more than he already had, but other times it comforted her to know that he knew how she truly felt.

A few months before the night that changed her life forever, Angel had come to her after her mothers funeral. He would always be her rock that she sorely needed to lean on. She had kissed him out of selfish need and to her surprise he kissed her back with just as much passion, if not more. He usually shied away from her whenever things became too intimate, not wanting to get too close. For if they did, if they gave into the temptation of one another, Angel would lose his soul and release his evil counterpart into the world.

It had happened before, on her 17th birthday. They had made love for the first time after Angel confessed his true feelings to her. It was perfect. Angel was sweet and gentle towards her, trying to make her as comfortable as possible and show her all of the pleasure he had dreamed of hiving her. Afterward he had held her tightly in his arms whispering to her in Gaelic, his native language.

"Tá mo chroí istigh ionat." "Mo chuid den tsaol" "Mo chéadsearc"

She didn't understand a word of it but she could FEEL the meaning of his words. She could feel how much he cared for her, how much this night meant to him. She had fallen asleep in the cocoon of his arms feeling safer than she had ever felt in her life. When she woke up the next morning, there was nothing but a cold pillow next to her and a foreboding energy in the air.

She had no clue that their night together had caused Angel to lose his soul, to become Angelus, an evil son of a bitch who had caused nothing but death and terror in his hay day. The Scourge of Europe, they had called him. He killed, tortured, raped, destroyed anything that was light and pure for years and years. Until he had killed the wrong girl.

A young gypsy that was part of a mystical clan who was hellbent on revenge when they discovered her young, cold body in the woods, Angelus bending over her covered in her blood. The gypsies had cursed him then. Gave him back his soul to make him FEEL the weight of what he had done for over a hundred of years. To make him feel the pain and the heartbreak of every one of his victims. It was entirely unfair to torture the soul for what the demon had done. Buffy had tried to convince Angel of that, but he never listened to her, he had accepted his guilt a long time ago. Had accepted to carry all of those ghosts on his back for the rest of his life. He had carried on for over a hundred years, a tortured soul trying to hide from anything that reminded him of his past. From humanity. He stayed in alleys, feeding off of rats, cursing his own existence.

Then he had come to Sunnydale with a little push from the powers that be in the form of a demon messenger and found Buffy. He could feel his soul calling out to her the moment they met. He had tried to resist her. Tried to protect her lightness from his darkness, but the more time he spent with her the more love he had in his heart for her and he couldn't stay away any longer. He would have if he knew.

If he knew that when the Gypsies had cursed him with his soul, they had added a secret clause. If the soul were ever to experience true happiness, true peace, then it would be freed and the demon would come back and take his place. If he knew about the clause, he would have stayed away, he would have suffered without her. Would have tortured himself, staying in the shadows, not talking to her, not touching her, not hearing her say his name. But it wouldn't have mattered as long as she was safe. But he didn't know and being with Buffy that night had brought him more joy and inner peace than he could have imagined.

So the morning after her birthday, he was gone, leaving his demon to torture his soul mate for months on end. Taunting her, her friends, even killing them, just to play with her. He wouldn't have wished that sort of torment on his worst enemy. Let alone the love of his life. But she was strong, stronger than she believed herself to be. And she defeated him even though it ripped her own heart out, she still won in the end.

After it was over and he was back in his body, back to himself. He tried to push her away. She tried to push him away. But it was so hard to ignore their feelings, their connection to one another. They tried to be together again, to make it work. But the threat of Angelus had continuously loomed over their heads. The most touching they did was holding hands and lingering hugs, a brief kiss here and there. But they could never do anything more, their passion would always bubble up to the surface, causing them to crash into one another gripping each other with a fierce hold. Until one of them would have to pull away so that they wouldn't go too far. So that their need for one another didn't take over their rational thoughts.

But something was different that night of her mother's funeral.

She had pushed him away with extreme difficulty wanting nothing more than to pull him close to her and beg him to take her right there but she had to know what was different.

His soul. It was permanent. He had just found out days before and was planning on calling her but then he had found out about her mother and was more concerned about her well being than anything else. She was in such a shock. Angel was here, kissing her and they could be together, like together, together, she hated to admit it out loud but she had squealed like a ridiculous teenager and flung herself at him. He had caught her easily, laughing with joy at her reaction. She had never heard Angel laugh like that in her life, it was a beautiful sound. She wanted him more than ever in that moment. She wanted to feel him inside of her, filling her with everything she needed. She kissed him with a fierce desire pulling him close to her slipping her hands under his jacket. It was then that Angel gently pushed her back.

"Easy mo chroí. I want this just much as you do but I know this isn't an easy time for you and I don't want it to be like this. Not a quick fling in the graveyard. Taking you like an animal next to your mother's grave... I want to do it right this time, mo cuishlel. I want to be proper, I want to court you. We haven't been a part of each other's lives in a long time and I want to change that. I know it won't be easy with you living here and me in LA but I want this Buffy, I'm tired of fighting my love for you, I'm tired of missing you. I want to make this work, for real."

She was speechless. At first she was hurt by the rejection, but his admission of love and wanting to court her was just so damn Angel of him, that she couldn't fault him for it. And he was right, they weren't a part of each other's lives anymore, they hardly knew each other in all honesty. So she had agreed to take things slow and to ease back into each other's life.

And they had. Since they had both left the graveyard that night with a little more hope in their heart than they had when they had entered, they had talked on the phone at least a few times a week. Talked about their days, their dreams, their hopes, their future. They had both even visited the other a few times. Angel taking her out to eat, the movies, even the bowling alley one night. You would think Angel in a pair of bowling shoes would make him look ridiculous but he had somehow looked even sexier in them. And since they could freely make love, they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Their friends quickly learned to knock or yodel before entering any room they were alone in, bed around or not.

Things were going very well. It was like they were falling in love with each other all over again and this time, it was real and it was going to last.

But then Glory happened. She was after a damned key to a hell dimension that she called her home. And Buffy just happened to be in possession of said key in the form of her fourteen year old sister. Normally Buffy would have been able to protect her sister from a demon, but Glory wasn't a demon, she was a hell god intent on getting her key no matter who she had to kill. She had reaped havoc on Buffy and her family for months. Buffy had felt like she was coming apart at the seams. Having Angel back in her life had helped, but it couldn't eliminate the threat of the hell god hanging above her head night and day.

—-

Something awful was going to happen, Buffy could feel it. She had gone to LA that weekend seeking comfort in her handsome vampire boyfriend. But he was having a crisis of his own. Cordelia had had a vision of a girl that had gone missing years before and it had sent them on a wild goose chase that had ended with Cordelia being sucked into a portal that lead to God knows where. Buffy had immediately jumped in and helped with research and helped Angel beat up any goons for intel.

Eventually they had found out where the portal lead to and Angel was ready to jump right in to rescue Cordelia. Buffy wanted to help Cordelia of course but having the love of her life just throw himself into a dangerous ball of light wasn't really ideal.

"Angel! Please think about this! What if you end up in a field of sunlight and boom, you burst into flames and you wont be able help anybody!"

"Buffy, I understand where you're coming from, but I can't just leave her there! It's my fault she's there, I have to get her back."

"I know, I know, I just wish that you were being more level headed about this!"

"I don't have time! Look, if you're that worried, come with me, you can protect me from the big bad sun."

"Angel, you know that I want to, but I can't. If something were to happen to Dawn while I was away..." she trailed off trying to think of the best thing to say next.

"You're right, you need to stay here and I need to go there."

"And that's it? What if something happens and I need you here. What if you get stuck there and we never see each other again?"

"I won't let that happen. But right now I need to go save Cordelia and you need to go protect your sister."

"So you just decide what's right for everyone and that's just how it is?"

"Buffy, I don't have time for this."

"Right, why would you have time to listen to your girlfriend? It's not like she matters."

Angel took a deep breath trying to balance himself and not take her bait. She was scared for him and was trying to start a fight to protect him...them, he knew that, but her acting like she really didn't matter to him really pissed him off.

"You know what? If that's really what you think, then just go home Buffy. Worry about your family while I take care of mine, I've been doing just fine here on my own without you. I don't need you here."

It was too far, he knew it, the moment the words left his lips.

She stood before him in all of her five feet and two inches of golden glory. Fury and disbelief coming off of her in waves. Her beautiful eyes were scrunched in anger, her lips twisted in a grimace. God, she was beautiful even when she was angry at him.

"Buffy, I didn't mean that mo ghrá, I..."

"No, no, you're right. You obviously don't need me. Good luck with everything."

She used up all of her internal strength to keep her stance and crumble to the floor from the hurt his words caused her. She then turned on her heel and started to walk out of the hotel.

"Buffy! Wait! Where are you going?"

"I am going home, where people actually need me. Goodbye, Angel."

He wanted to follow her. He wanted to run to her and pull her against him and kiss some sense into her. He wanted to lift her up and set her on the desk and rip off her clothes and show her how much he wanted her, how much he NEEDED her.

But he didn't, he couldn't move a muscle, he just stood there while his soulmate walked away from him unknowingly forever.

As soon as Buffy got home, she regretted everything she said and she knew that Angel did too. She had felt his regret. He stood there, towering over her, his beautiful chocolate, soulful eyes begging her to understand, to not fight with him. She thought that he would follow her, would beg her to stay, to help him. He would tell her that he couldn't do this without her. But he didn't. He let her leave.

She had realized that it was for the best. If he had followed her, they may have ended up saying even more hurtful things to one another. They had already said more than they meant. They were both just stressed and constantly trying to save everyone, but themselves. She wanted to turn right back around and follow him through that portal, but then Glory had reared her ugly head again and figured out what Dawn truly was. Buffy couldn't stop her.

She had left that message for Angel that night knowing that she would sacrifice everything for Dawn. She had tried to get there before the portal had opened but she was too late. She could feel the evil on the other side of that portal, demons were flying out every which way, she might have even seen a dragon!

This was it. She was gonna let the world go to hell and the last thing her baby sister saw was going to be her protecting her.

She was preparing to fight, she glanced behind the portal before she turned caught sight of the sunrise that was on its way before hell unleashed, when suddenly everything clicked.

All of her soul searching the past few months.

Her curiosity about the slayers before her.

The first slayer.

"Death is your gift."

It all made sense. It wasn't death of others, it was her death that saved everyone, that would bring peace. What she needed to do was so clear to her now.

With her newfound destiny, she turned to her sister and told her that she loved her and her friends and Angel and that it was okay, she had figured it out and it was okay. And then she turned away without another glance and jumped. She was flying through the air. Landing in this crackling energy that was pulling her every which direction. She could practically feel her body being torn apart, it was unlike anything she had experienced and then...

"ELIZA! There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere. Is everything all right, my dear?"

The clipped English accent of a man who she had started calling her best friend as of late, brought her out of her reveries. She turned towards him with a heavy sigh and a fake smile, trying to push her past to the back of her mind and bring herself back to the present.

Except. That was the problem, she wasn't in the present anymore. She hadn't given much thought to what would actually happen to her when had jumped into that portal. A peaceful sleep perhaps. A final "The End" to the morbid fairytale that was her life. But ending up in a grassy field surrounded by men in red coats in England of all places in the year, 1762 was definitely not a possibility that she had thought of.

Irish Gaelic translations:

Tá mo chroí istigh ionat - My heart is in you: a nice way of saying I love you

Mo chuid den tsaol- My share of life: you are my everything

Mo chéadsearc- My first/true love

Mo chroí- My heart

Mo Cuishle- My darling

Mo Ghrá-My love