I started a new game and discovered the option to flirt with Bann Teagan. I became obsessed with the implications of this throw-away interaction for a female Cousland warden, and found an interesting story prompt. So, here we are. Enjoy.

Chapter 1 – The Morning

Elissa had tried to listen to the maid as the Elven girl arranged her hair, but it was impossible. She sat at the vanity, staring at her reflection in the golden mirror as the girl chatted away to herself. She could not recall the girl's name, or really follow her conversation, so she remained silent. Now and then she gave a faint smile when the girl paused in her speech or checked for her approval of how a small braid lay. They had only met a week ago, when Elissa had formally moved to Redcliffe, but Elissa felt guilty all the same. She was usually so good with names. She studied the girl's appearance. Short red hair, long pointed ears, thin face. Perhaps Isolde would know her.

Isolde had insisted on arranging everything. Elissa had not had the strength to disagree. In the last month she had only recently had the willpower to make herself look presentable, so it was a nice change to have help. But she shouldn't think about that now. Now she felt relieved that Isolde had stepped in to arrange everything.

Behind her, family, nobility, and servants were making such a noise that she could not think. The dressing room was suited for about ten people at most, but at least twenty ladies of the wedding party were crammed in with servants coming and going as well. All morning they had been preening, admiring, curtsying, whispering, snacking. Maker, the snacks. She had turned down six different types of cakes. Usually the room only contained two small couches in the center and the vanity in the corner, more than enough for a guest's quarters. Today two extra couches, many wooden stools, and a low table were brought in. Women stood and sat everywhere, filling the room. The table was covered in cakes, bread, cheeses.

He would have loved the cheeses.

It was all too much for her to join in, but it was a blessing in a way. After a month doing little more than thinking, she could finally turn off her thoughts by letting the noise around her consume her waking mind. She closed her eyes and allowed the noise to swirl around her. Now one group of ladies was calling a servant to fetch something, another group soothing one of the wedding party with compliments, the girl in question fretting about a loose pearl on her gown.

And tonight? A small inner voice crept in. What will you do tonight when you are alone?

She stood up immediately, pushing the stool back with a loud scrape and startling the Elven girl. "My lady?" The girl asked, "Are you all right?"

The chatter in the room died down as everyone turned to look at her. She stepped away from the vanity and her eyes swept around the room, taking in the well-mannered, well-dressed women staring at her. Aside from a few scattered whispers, everyone was silent.

"My lady?" The girl tried again, and this time Elissa turned to the girl. Her silk gown rustled and pulled at her as she turned. The long sleeves, long train, layers of silk and cotton and beading, were so heavy, so tight. Her breath was getting shorter. She was drowning in it.

"If it please you, I just need to place one more pin and then you'll be ready," the girl continued gently, with a smile. But Elissa could tell there was concern in her voice, too, just as there was concern written on the faces of all of the ladies in the room. Are they worried? Afraid?

"Getting cold feet, Lady Cousland?" young Lady Bonnel chirped from her position on the nearest sofa. She was lounging with her upper body resting on the arm of the sofa, a small cake held in her hand. A lady in green seated next to her grabbed her shoulder and whispered something.

"What?" Lady Bonnel replied, "It happens all the time. At half the weddings I've been to, anyway." Bonnel smirked, her cheerful blue eyes locked with Elissa's as she took a bite of her cake. "Worried about the wedding night?" The lady in green stifled a giggle.

"How dare you!" Elissa shouted. She reached Lady Bonnel in three powerful strides, striking an intimidating pose even with all the fluff of the wedding gown surrounding her. Lady Bonnel and the lady in green shrank away from her, frightened, as did half the room. She stopped. Embarrassment began to creep in. The girl was just joking. She felt hot.

I must be alone, this was a mistake...Yes, leave...I'll never come back, that will solve everything. Just live in the wilds...

She didn't notice Lady Renore had come up to her until her hand gently clasped Elissa's forearm, bringing her mind back into the room. "Don't worry, my dear, you just need a break." Lady Renore turned her around and walked Elissa back towards the vanity. She held her hand out the the Elven girl, who gave her the hairpin. "Come," she instructed Elissa.

The two of them walked past the vanity and entered the guest bedroom, closing the door behind them.

As soon as the door closed, the grief she had kept bottled up all day flowed freely again. A sob forced itself out and before she knew it she was weeping heavily, her head resting on Lady Renore's chest. "I can't," Elissa managed to choke out at last, "I can't..."

"Shhh, shh, you'll be all right," the lady gently rubbed Elissa's back.

After a minute her breathing became calmer, and she raised her head. Her tears had soaked the front of Lady Renore's dress. "Oh, I'm so sorry my lady..." she began.

"Don't worry, child, it will dry soon enough," Lady Renore said. "Let us sit here for a moment." She gestured towards the large red sofa placed near the fireplace. They sat, and Lady Renore produced her handkerchief. Hand in hand they rested, while Elissa used Lady Renore's handkerchief to dry her eyes.

The Renores were close family friends. Lady Renore had known Elissa since she was a child. Elissa remembered going to her for help when she fought with her parents, once riding off in the middle of the night through a storm to stay with her. The good lady was always patient, kind, but firm. They had talked all night, and when they returned in the morning the lady had made her apologize to her father and mother sincerely. Now she was the closest Elissa had to a mother in her life. Elissa wished she could share everything with her, lay her soul bare as she had done when she was a child. As she looked into the empty fireplace, she thought of the rain-soaked girl whining to the lady in her room as they sat before a roaring fire in the hearth years ago.

Her troubles were not as simple as they had been back then. A dead man haunted her dreams. Darkspawn shrieking filled her ears at night, or when she was alone for too long. The blinding light and screaming that the Archdemon had emitted as it died, mixed with her love's final cry of pain, kept her from sleeping. When she closed her eyes, she saw his body fall, his lifeless face.

Alistair.

Her body could not produce any more tears, but the waves of grief were endless.

"Is it really that bad, my dear?" Lady Renore asked. Elissa looked into her eyes and saw the worry in them. "He's a good man."

"I know," she said. "It's not that."

"Is it the Blight? I know it must have been terrible for you, but it is over thanks to your wardens. You need not dwell on it."

She looked down. What could she say? She could not tell anyone about the relationship she had shared with Alistair. It was too dangerous. The months they had spent in mortal danger, always depending on each other for strength and comfort. His smile, his jokes, all of the things about him that used to fill her with happiness, were now too painful to bring up even if she could.

She could not talk about the horror of seeing him die right in front of her. Of not being able to stop him from rushing forward to land the killing blow. She could not talk about the regret she felt, knowing that she had turned down Morrigan's offer to keep them safe.

If you had not been so jealous, he would be alive.

Was it jealousy? No. It was blood magic. An evil magic. Morrigan can't be trusted.

You were hoping to sacrifice Riordan. So selfish.

Lady Renore sighed. "Please, let me speak plainly." Renore took up her hand in both of her own. Elissa met the older woman's eyes again. "You of all people must realize how lucky we all are to be alive. And I need not remind you how lucky you are to have been given your title back. The Maker and Queen Anora have given you so much. Today is a day to celebrate life and the future. Do not let whatever dark thoughts you have now prevent you from feeling hopeful for tomorrow."

Tomorrow. Elissa had not thought about the future in quite some time. The future she had dreamed of after the landsmeet was impossible now.

You wanted to have the King. Now you'll have a Bann.

Enough. Enough.

The grief receded a little, enough to be masked. She took back her hands and folded the handkerchief, handing it back to the lady. "Thank you, my lady. You always know just what to say." Elissa forced a smile onto her face.

Lady Renore smiled back, the corners of her eyes wrinkling deeply. When did she get those wrinkles? When did she get...old?

She reached up and put the final pin in Elissa's hair. "I always know when you're putting on a brave face for me. But you know what they say, a false smile can sometimes bring real happiness."

The rest of the morning had felt like a dream. She had returned to the ladies and apologized. They insisted she didn't have to, but they were even more withdrawn from her than before. She managed to keep a smile on her face the entire time.

She exchanged pleasantries with Isolde, thanking her for all of her hard work. At least that much was not an act. She accepted a small blue flower from Connor. He wanted to put it in her hair, but was content to see it placed in the center of her wildflower bouquet instead. The one thing she had requested from Isolde was that there be no roses, and the Arlessa had come through for her. She wished she could feel truly happy for the boy's presence, knowing that soon he would be taken away to the Circle.

She had sat sidesaddle on a horse, riding from the castle to the chantry at the center of town. The townspeople cheered, overjoyed that a Champion of Redcliffe was marrying into the Arl's family. She smiled and waved to them, as expected. When they reached the Chantry she mistakenly dismounted before Ser Perth could come to help her down. The long skirts nearly tripped her. She usually dismounted in armor, or riding clothes. Ser Perth hurried to offer her his arm. She took it, laughed a little, and they walked up the steps together.

Through it all, she felt nothing.