-Anyone else would like to add something? Share anything at all? We've got time before the next class arrives. Kitty has told us that story about her sister, Pat also has spoken about his family, again, Mary… Well, we'll leave Mary's dream for a specialist. Robin? How about you Lady B? No one here will judge you.
-Oh no, no, no, no. Not me. As if I would tell anyone momentums or memories about my life. I'll leave that to those who cannot keep their things to themselves.
-Don't be like that Fanny. Alison said it was healthy, and I'm sure you've got many secrets that would make England shake. Or things about us that you would like to tell us.
-Absolutely not, Captain. You won't drag me into this nonsense. I'll be leaving now, so if you'll excuse me.
-Not even a juice detail about your cheating husband and his butler?
Fanny stopped mid-walk from her chair and turned her head slowly to look at Julian with fire and disappointment in her eyes. He could be a cruel man, didn't care about anyone's feelings sometimes and loved to make anyone around him jump just to bother them, just to piss them off, though it was an unspoken rule that George was a topic that couldn't not be talked or used against Fanny at all. Again, Julian had done whatever he wanted. The room remained completely silent as they stared, a proud smile on his face while she glared so hard at him that if gazes could kill, well, if he wasn't already dead, he would be laying over the carpet.
-At least he didn't go around parading and showing his lovers in front of the entirety of England. Unlike you, he was quiet about it in the eyes of society.
-Maybe when you weren't home, he wasn't especially quiet. If you weren't such a stuck-up lady, you could have fought him on the same grounds by having an affair. He can't blame you and you can't blame him; you are even. But it's best to not do anything, just keep on sobbing about how horrible he was. Maybe you just didn't give him enough? If you had developed a dic-
-Shut up! Don't you dare! You know nothing about me and my life or what I chose to do or not! What he did was the worst thing any man could do; just sleeping with every boy he could while I sat there and cried, watching as if that didn't affect me, as if it wasn't my life as well. I carried his children, gave birth to them and raised them, and not even once he came to say thank you or to ask me how I was faring! The night our daughter was born he was away with a French man and didn't return until noon; do you know what he did as soon as he returned? He went to the stables! Didn't even checked if me and my daughter were alive!
-He was a man, what were you hoping for? Life isn't all flowers and kisses on the cheek. Any man who's married to a woman that has let herself go after having had her children can't be expected to just buzz around you when there's another much younger and exciting around, even if they are boys. You could have tried to get the butler before he did.
-You horrible man! You don't know the pain of knowing you will never be enough, that you'll spend endless nights in the dark of a room hoping he would cross the threshold because he wanted to be with you not just to do his "duty". You can't even begin to understand how horrible it makes a person feel when you seek love out of your home and return every night feeling dirty and deceitful just because he couldn't even try to love you.
-Fanny. – Pat's voice went over her head as she carried on with her banter, cheeks red and a couple of short locks falling over her forehead as she pointed at Julian accusingly.
-You can't even wrap your head around how it makes a person feel when you fall in love and lay with a man that is not your husband although you know that he will never look at you the way he looks at the 20-year-old stable boy! You can't even see if what you are feeling for the man that you met at the Natural History Museum is love or just lust because of the lack of affection! Don't you dare say a word about what you don't understand, because if you can feel how I felt when I found out I had to tell my husband that a third child might be brought into the house because of a mistake maybe you can help me get over that awful remainder that it never happened because he kiLLED ME FIRST!
-FANNY! – the Captain's voice reached her ringing ears, bringing her to a halt, her chest rising and falling quickly in rapid breathes, hot fat tears making their way down her cheeks, her hands shaking as she registered slowly what she had just said, what everyone had heard. She had tried so hard to keep it a secret even after her death, and in one morning she had destroyed her entire world with one giant blow. Placing a hand on her chest and another over her mouth she ran out of the room before anyone could stop her, not that they could, they were too far in shock to even breath. Several minutes went by before anyone spoke.
-Did she just…?
-I believe so mate.
-We were here, and we never heard anything of… this. I… We were there when young Victoria was born, how did we not see it?
-Thomas, maybe you should go and have a lay down.
-That won't be necessary Alison, I'm quite alright, but it really has come as a shock that Fanny, our Lady Fanny Button was capable of doing… and she… we were here!... I think I will have that lay down.
-Yes, yes, but she shared something didn't she? That's what you wanted. You can all thank me later.
-Shut up Julian, you are so blind you can't see you've hurt Fanny more than anyone had ever before? She was crying when she left. That is no behaviour for a man towards a woman. As much as we might not like her, she's still a person, and the things you said were uncalled for. What kind of man would leave their wife and child for someone else? Just because you did it, it doesn't mean that it's right or that you should say it to anyone, especially Fanny. If you were under my supervision, you would get suspended immediately.
-Alas I'm not, so I'll be leaving you all to your moaning.
-Wait! Chess game not finished.
-Oh, right. Come on Robin.
Julian had left the room, but before Robin did, he turned and with a sincere look on his eyes he turned and glanced at Alison. -I talk to him. –
-Thank you, Robin.
-I coulds goes and talk with hers if you likes.
-No, thank you, Mary. I'll go later, once she's had time to put herself together.
-Oh! I could go with you and help Lady Button after this horrid incident.
-Kitty, did you understand what Fanny said? Anything at all?
-Yes. Of course, I did. She met a man in a museum! Isn't that lovely?
-Yes, Kitty. Why don't you go and read your book? I turned the page before coming here.
-Wonderful! I'll see you all later. – the joyful girl left happily, dancing and humming lightly towards the little room next to the library, leaving behind the Captain, Pat, Mary and Alison.
-Now that the grownups are left here… What the hell was that about? Captain?
-She never mentioned any other men apart from George, so I have no idea who she might be referring to.
-Not ever? Maybe one of you heard something? A Henry? John? Anyone?
-The only man was George, and she had hardly ever spoken about him until you came. That can give you an idea of how much she told us before.
-Not much of talker then.
-We haven't tried Humphrey. She did have a thing with him, maybe he knows.
-Rethink that Pat. She had a thing with his body, not his head and as far as I know headless bodies do not talk or hear.
-Oh… right.
-I never thought she had it in her, but it's obvious we were wrong.
-Fanny is so much more than just the mask she has on most of the time. I know her better than any of you, but still it would appear she hasn't fully opened up to anyone, not even me. We should go and ask her directly to explain herself.
-No, no! She needs reassurance, right Alison?
-Yeah, we should let her tell us what she wants and whenever she wants. Going to her as if we were about to shoot her won't help the situation.
-It bes sinful, what's she did.
-We know Mary, but it's not as if we can judge her without knowing the whole story. I'll talk with her while you try to make Julian understand what he did or at least keep him far away from Fanny for the time being.
-We expect a briefing later today young lady.
-Yeah, sure. Just let me do my thing.
Alison got up and left the room towards where she thought the Edwardian lady might be. Her room was her sanctuary, the only place in the entire house where no one, not even Mike (after the wall incident and the painting, of course), would enter without her permission. As she set foot on the corridor, she could already hear the heartbreaking sobs that Fanny was making. In all this time Alison had never seen or heard Fanny crying, she was always a stern, opinionated and proud woman, and kept her problems and pains to herself, but hearing that sound coming from behind the door just made her look at the woman from a new point of view. Alison knocked on the door and waited, but the crying didn't stop, and no answers came from the other side, so after trying for a few more times she opened it slowly, very slowly as not to startle Fanny, as if that could happen.
In a corner of the room a figure could be seen, curled up, shaking with each sob filled with horrible pain. Fanny's hair had come undone, and her skirt had been ripped several times, probably due to the fact that as a ghost she couldn't really throw things around the room and had decided to take it out on herself as much as she could. She made herself known by knocking loudly on the wall, which finally made the other lady rise her head, eyes red, face flushed and streaks of tears framing her pale features. The look of utter horror that filled her eyes made her try to stand up, she could not let anyone see her in this state, but her legs failed and she landed on her hands and knees, breaking down once more.
-Fanny.
-Get out. I can't…
-It's okay, it's just me. The other ghosts are busy kicking Julian's butt.
-Leave, at once! I won't be shamed any further! I can't Alison! – Fanny managed to stand and with renewed anger tried to make Ali back away, but she stood her ground, and Fanny quickly deflated.
-I would never do that, but this… all this, it's just so strange, and you are clearly hurting.
-If you had stopped this nonsense this would never have happened in the first place. This is not how I was brought up! I should not have reacted like this, I should have kept quiet, and now everyone knows about my indiscretion and the aftermath of everything. All the problems with George should have remined secret, but I had to speak! I had to let my temper get the best of me!
-You know he can't hurt you, right? All that is long gone. I understand if there are things you can't change or get over, but this is the 21st century, no one is going to damage your reputation or your memory. This can be just between you and I.
-I… I can't… What will you think of me?
-Nothing, you will still be Lady Button, nothing more, nothing less.
-You can't say a word, the shame would be too much to bear… Do you promise Alison? On your life that anything that I might tell you won't leave your lips?
-Yes, I care for you Fanny, and knowing that this has been haunting you, no pun intended, since even before you died breaks my heart. I won't tell a soul, living or dead.
-Alright… Sit down, it'll be long. I don't know where to begin.
-Take your time. – sitting on the side of the bed Alison watched as the dress miraculously fixed itself and the flush on her cheeks subsided somewhat, her breath still shaky, silent tears falling from her long eyelashes.
-I knew from the very beginning George was not a very affectionate man, and I accepted it, because I cared for him and because I had no other choice but to marry well, and he was the best in the county. Many people were jealous I had managed to snatch him, but I didn't care; the first few months were marital bliss in my eyes, I was so in love and happy and I felt cared for and loved, but he soon turned cold, as if he had lost interest in me. I had fallen pregnant with our son. I was barely twenty years old and in the eyes on the law I had performed my duty, so there was no more need for George to act as if he actually cared. He pushed me away again and again and again, but I still had faith that maybe he was just going through a phase of some sort caused by the birth of our son, but it didn't get better. I was alone most of the time, with only my son Edward to keep me company. Then one morning, soon after he had turned five, George requested I talked to him in his study. Of course, I did and he told me that his mother had forced him to accept her request of us having a second child in hopes that it would be another boy and it would secure the future of the family. I was not very keen on the idea, but it was my duty and I had to obey. Much to our despair it took two long years before I finally became with child again, and by then his mother had expressed her desire to see his son married to someone else that could provide children without much effort.
I was devasted by her words, hurt by George's constants nights out and trips away from home that I started thinking maybe it was my fault I was not finding it easy to get pregnant, but once it happened it felt like I was able to breath again. It was a very smooth nine months, and the night Victoria was born I remember calling for him with each pain and seeing the faces of utter disappointment and pain whenever I did, because they knew he had left. They just said that he had left with a French diplomat. At around five in the morning she was born, and it wasn't until seven in the afternoon that he finally came to see us and the only thing he said was that his mother would be very disappointed I hadn't been able to produce another boy. He asked me what he was supposed to do with a girl and then proceeded to say as if I wasn't there that he could marry her off soon enough. She was barely a few hours old, and he was already planning to send her away. I was shocked beyond anything possible and decided not to let George be around Victoria alone, afraid he might do something, although he had never lifted a hand to any of us.
-What about his mother? I'm sure a granddaughter is always a happy event, right?
-No. She was furious and blamed me time and again for having taken so long and ordered us to try again. I wish we hadn't listened to her.
-What happened? Was it George?
-It was always George. I fell pregnant soon after Victoria's birth, but my health was not the best and I required to be taken care of much more than before. He didn't like that because it meant he couldn't go away as much as he used to. It was October, late in the afternoon when it happened. I had got up from bed to have a cup of tea because I was tired of just laying there and as I was walking down George ran pass me and made me fall down the stairs. I laid at the foot of the staircase with him staring dumbfounded at me and instead of helping me he looked over at a footman and told him to send for the doctor just as he left the house to go lord-knows-where. I miscarried and he was the cause of it, but he would never admit it. The footman left two days later, and I never heard anything from him, probably bribed by George. I refused to lay with him, but much to my surprised he agreed it was the best, and soon after his mother died, and the pressure of us having to give her another grandchild dissipated into thin air.
-You were free now, both of you, why didn't you decided on separating and living lives of your own?
-George was a very possessive man, and although he obviously wasn't attracted to me, he didn't want me to be anyone else's partner. He had me to do everything for him, run the house, the social events, take care of our children while he went around having affairs. I knew he was cheating, but I always thought it was with woman. How wrong I was. What a fool. Then our children got older and left to live their lives. Victoria married a lovely Danish Duke; George didn't like him, but I could see she loved him, and he loved her, and I wasn't going to let her live a life like mine, so I agreed, and so did George in the end. Edward wanted to travel around Europe studying the different methods of transportation so he could start his own company here in England. I was left alone the day he left to go to Vienna.
-That's when you met that mysterious man?
-Not exactly. I spent several years helping with the gardens and making repairs around the house, but soon it all became boring, and I decided to leave for a few days and travel to London. It was then when I visited the Natural History Museum and came across Robert. I accidentally slipped over some wet floor, and he caught me before I landed over a butterfly exhibit. I thanked him and invited him to a cup of tea. He was a lovely man, a gentleman, and agreed without hesitation. We talked for the rest of the day, he took me out to dinner and then he called for a carriage to take me to my hotel. I couldn't believe how sweet and gentle he was, and it wasn't a mask, like George's when we were out in public, Robert was genuinely like this. In the span of a few months, I made more trips to London and met with him. Nothing improper ever happened between us, of course. I was a Lady, and he was a renown scientist, we were watched very closely while we were out in the city.
-But you said-
-I know what I said. It didn't happen in London. He had a lovely house in the outskirts, surrounded by a beautiful forest, so it was very hard to spot unless you knew where to look. My train suffered an incident, and we were forced to get down on a very small village. I looked for a carriage, my lady's maid close behind me as well as the footman that was accompanying us, but I came across Robert. He had been in the nearby lake catching butterflies and photographing birds. He offered a trip to his property which was closer than London, and to my surprise I actually said yes without hesitation. I let my maid and footman decide if they preferred to wait and spend a few days in London on their own or if they wanted to come with me and of course at the opportunity of spending more than just a few hours in the capital they didn't hesitate, and I didn't stop them. My luggage was put in the motorcar, and I left with Robert. His house was magnificent, even more beautiful than Button House, as horrible as it might sound for me to say it. The gardens were exquisite, he had several greenhouses where he would take care and study different kinds of insects and birds. Oh Alison, if you had been able to see with how much love he looked at each of his animals I'm sure it wouldn't have surprised you to hear me say now that I realized I had fallen in love. He held my hand and placed a beautiful robin on my palm, explaining me things I didn't understand at first, but I didn't care. His beautiful green eyes sparkled every time I managed to follow his train of thought, and he didn't get mad or snap at me when I asked him to explain something, he would only smile and get closer so I could touch and feel them the same way he did as he repeated himself. George had never done that, he hardly explained himself.
-He sounds like a real catch. Handsome, intelligent and sweet.
-He was perfect. We spent days acting like a normal married couple, living a life that I knew was real but would never fully belong to me. I didn't want to let go. I didn't feel bad for falling in love with someone else, I knew George didn't feel anything but disgust for me, so I was just getting what I deserved, but I never intended for us to take the next step. It happened in one of the greenhouses, a clear summer night, when the fireflies were taking their first flight around the freshly bloomed flowers. He made it beautiful, loving, and… please, don't think badly of me for this… but he made it feel so good, so much better than George had ever managed. He cherished every single minute and made me feel like I was the only person in the world. I was horrified the next day but thought that if I could keep it a secret, George would never find out and my indiscretion would go unnoticed. It worked. I kept on seeing Robert for a few more years, living a second life far away from Button house, like the woman of a scientist, and I loved every single second of it. Would never have changed a thing, until he asked me a question that made my whole world turn upside down.
-What? What did he ask? He didn't ask you if you were married no?
-He knew I was married, but he didn't care because I had told him about everything. No, he asked me if I knew of older woman that had been able to bear children without complications. I didn't know what to say, so I just answered no and asked him why was asking me that, and without hesitation he turned, sat at me feet and said that he suspected I could be with child.
-He was wrong, of course. You are like sixty, even I know that is like impossible.
-I'm not! How rude of you to assume I'm sixty! I died aged fifty one, thank you very much. The disrespect I just received from you is appalling Alison.
-Sorry, I just said what Humphrey's head said, I didn't mean… Forget I ever said anything. Carry on.
-You should indeed be sorry. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, he told he suspected I could be with child and I told him that if I hadn't got pregnant in all these years, it was impossible at this point, but he insisted, and so we called for a doctor to examine me that same day. To my surprise he confirmed Robert's suspicions and I almost fainted. I would not be able to hide this indiscretion, and it would bring shame on me and my family forever if I didn't manage to convince George to accept it as his own. Robert didn't want to lose his own child to a man he hated, but knew it was the best for me and our baby. He never suggested anything that he knew could upset me or hurt me, like getting rid of it or eloping and leaving forever. He knew better than to let his love for me ruin both of our lives. We spent the next few days imagining how he or she would look like, what they could become, if they would get to see what we imagined future years could bring, but soon enough I had to leave. I remember our last goodbye so vividly… He held my hands, placed them over my stomach, kissed my lips and whispered "I love you both" as if he knew that would be it, as if we both knew that would be the last time we would see each other. Then I went home, caught George and you know the rest. Soon enough I was laying over the grass, dead.
-So you never really got the chance to tell George that you were…?
-No. But that's not the worst. How would you feel if you discovered the love of your life had "fallen" down a window and your child along with her?
-Devasted.
-That's what Robert felt. He came to the house, dressed all in black to pay his respects and to say goodbye, but asked George if he could watch the coffin, as it was natural during the night, and he agreed. George knew at that moment I had been having an affair with him but didn't say a word. It would bring him nothing now, I was dead. He went to bed and Robert stayed beside me all night long, holding onto my cold hand… - she was finding it hard to keep her breath steady as the feelings and memories returned like a wave of cold salty water over a wound that had not been cured. - and… and brushing locks of hair off my face every time a gush of wind would burst through the windows… He apologized for not seeing… He thought it was his fault… that George had killed me because of our baby and I… I just stood there, uncapable of talking to him, crying… I wish I had left, but I stood there… next to him with his hand so close to mine… -Alison's face was streaked with silent solitary tears as she watched Fanny come undone once more, hiccups and quiet sobs complementing her soft words filled with pain. - He cried; we both did. I still do… I still… do.
-I'm so sorry. I know I can't say anything to make you feel better; that I can't fix this.
-Why does it hurt this bad? I'm dead, isn't that enough to the world that I must live my death with this pain forever? Isn't it enough that I'm doomed to spend all eternity carrying a child that will never be born? Take it away from me Alison, please… I don't want to live like this no more… Please
Alison watched in slow motion as Fanny fell to her knees again, a blood curling scream leaving the woman's chest filled with all the rage and pain that she had kept locked for more than a hundred years, tears pooling over her skirt as she clutched her chest, rocking back and forth, her throat raw but unable to stop the hellish sound it was making. Footsteps soon filled the corridor and hurried voices followed close by, but the only one who crossed the door was Mary, who oblivious to Alison quickly made her way to the Edwardian lady and took her in her arms, letting her scream be muffled by her chest, Fanny's hands holding onto Mary as if she was the only thing that could keep her grounded.
-Its alrights, lets it all outs. I'm heres.
-Mary-
-You cans leaves Alison. I can takes care of hers.
-Alright, if she needs anything…
Opening the door quickly she left, pushing all the ghosts far away from the room to leave the two women alone. Mary stroked her hair gently as the screamed turned into a soft whine, Fanny's hands becoming numb from having taken such a strong hold of the yellow vest. She had heard everything the two of them had talked about, her heart breaking ever so little every time she spoke of an incident, of a memory, but Alison could do nothing to comfort the older woman apart from speaking sweet words, which was more than Fanny had ever received from her husband in all those years. They remained on the floor for several more minutes before Fanny was able to sit and look at Mary, her body still shaking from the hiccups.
-What… What must you think… of me?
-Nothings. – with her ashy thumb she wiped the tears from her cheeks, a soft smile gracing her lips as to show her everything was fine. – Its wasn'ts sinfuls… well, maybes a little, buts love is never bads. You loveds him, we can all sees it, and that's all that matters.
-I betrayed the sacred marriage vows and not only that but got pregnant. I hurt myself and him and because of all this my baby never got a chance to live. I'm a horrible person Mary.
-You'res not. You cans be scary, but you'res not a horrible person. Yours husband is the bads person, not you or yours fancy man.
-You don't think I'm the devil or a witch?
-Nah, I thoughts so befores, but not anymore. The devils doesn't bring babies, he takes thems. You ares good, your husband was the devils. We'lls get through this, you ands I.
-I'm sorry I never told you. I was so ashamed, I thought you would hate me forever and it took me so long to see that I could love again and that not always it has to be a man… I was so afraid of losing you.
-You'll never lose me. I can'ts go anywhere, you are stuck withs mes forevers, so gets uses to it.
-Thank you… I should thank Alison as well, even if I feel rotten. Maybe her idea wasn't so bad after all, I feel lighter, horrible, but lighter.
-She's a good lass. She's helped us a lots so maybes we could all thanks her, that's way you won'ts be alone in this. Buts not today, today it's for yous, to heals. We'll stays here all days, we don'ts have to see anyones. Lets see…Tells me… about your childrens?
-Do you really want to hear a mother talk about her children? – a small smile made its way to Fanny's lips although the sadness on her features was greater than ever.
-As longs as they ares yours, yes.
Resting her head on Mary's shoulders Fanny talked about everything she could remember after such a long time about her babies, even though Mary had been there as a ghost since they had been born, but they were important to her, and so she would listen for as long as Fanny needed her to. Kissing her on the forehead she sat more comfortably, ready to hear from the lips a mother the reality of loving a human being more than yourself. Maybe one day they would have something like that, the two of them… Ghosts are strange, special, unique. One day Mary hoped. One day.