Experiencing Loss Is A Part Of Life
She had been wrestling with it for weeks. The loss, the sacrifice, the guilt, the fear, all as one in the most formidable foe she had ever faced, more terrible than any unsuspecting lackey Hawkmoth could conjure through his akumas. Master Fu: forced to relinquish his life's work all because she had been hasty, careless; forced to sacrifice his memory because of her inadequacy. He had given her the Guardianship as a last resort, not because she deserved it regardless of what he said. What else was he supposed to do when cornered by Hawkmoth threatening to force him to reveal their secret identities? That had always been paramount, keeping their identities safe, and despite the fact that she had forced Master Fu's to be revealed, he continued to keep theirs secret until the very end, even so far as to render himself incapable of sharing. She was not worthy of the title he had bestowed upon her. She had been the sole reason his hand had been forced, revealing his identity to Hawkmoth. Even so, when he had every right to reveal hers in turn, he had sacrificed himself to keep it secret. She was not worthy. She would never be worthy.
The same words played on repeat in her head as Marinette trudged to school. There was no chance she was running late that day because there was no chance she had overslept when she simply hadn't really slept at all. Any sleep she got was fitful, wracked with images of Master Fu being attacked by the sentimonster, seeping guilt into her wakefulness, sapping her self-worth. The nightmares of Chat Noir abandoning her were no better, and soon followed nightmares of her family and friends likewise turning their backs on the unworthy failure named Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Everyone gave up on her in her dreams and she did not blame them in the least. It was her fault that Master Fu was gone, and when Hawkmoth won because of that, it would be her fault, too. Was it even worth fighting anymore when it was all inevitable anyway? Marinette simply wasn't sure, and that scared her more than she imagined anything ever could.
She sat at the bench she shared with Alya and waited, lost in thoughts of her inadequacy, almost dosing off until someone cleared their throat. The startled girl squeaked as she sat bolt upright, nearly falling from her seat. "Um, Marinette? Are you OK?" She didn't have the emotional energy to be embarrassed, so she just gently nodded at Adrien while avoiding his gaze. She knew if she opened her mouth to even answer him with one syllable, she would lose whatever baring she had left that kept her from constantly breaking down. "Are you sure? You don't look – "
"Hey girl, that's twice this week!" Thank whatever gods there were for Alya. Marinette swallowed thickly knowing that eventually she would have to speak. She began building whatever walls she could muster to keep herself together enough to appear normal through the school day.
"Twice what?" Adrien asked curiously.
"Twice that she's been here before me instead of bumbling in at the last minute. Girl is going to be late to her own funeral," Alya explained. Marinette didn't even blush. Had this not been the New Marinette, it might have made Alya concerned, but there was only so much prying even the budding reporter could do before she realized the futility of it. Marinette had been like this for weeks, slowly worsening as time passed until she seemed to stall at apathy. Oh, she faked it well, but Alya knew her best friend, and the sparkle that made Marinette who she was had turned lackluster.
"Oh," Adrien said, concern and confusion briefly shadowing his face before he added, "Don't make a habit of it, Marinette, or we might start to worry!" The three chuckled, and Marinette even forced a smile, but Alya could tell her heart truly wasn't in it.
Marinette's walls were in place and she managed to force out, "I promise to be late tomorrow," with a halfhearted smile. What she mumbled next, however, she meant with full conviction. "Don't want anyone worrying about me."
Old Marinette's heart would have stuck in her throat at the concerned look Adrien flashed Alya, even if Adrien was with Kagami, but New Marinette only looked away ashamed. She didn't deserve concern, didn't deserve even the teasing worry her friends expressed at her being early instead of her usual tardiness, didn't deserve friends.
"Pull yourself together, girl," Alya muttered as she sat next to Marinette, looking around to make sure she didn't draw any more unnecessary attention as Adrien turned back to his own desk. "The normals are going to notice."
At that, Marinette sat up a little straighter and gathered her belongings from her bag. Tikki stared up at her with large soulful eyes, trying to offer whatever silent comfort and support she could from her hiding place, but Marinette tore her eyes away immediately upon making eye contact. She couldn't bear to look at the tiny being of which she was not worthy, couldn't bear to be reminded again of how she had failed; she knew it was lurking in Tikki's eyes, the disapproval, the disappointment, and she couldn't bear to see it there, not when she had just erected her walls.
Marinette focused on her classes, anything to keep her thoughts from straying back to poor Master Fu, glad he couldn't remember her betrayal. Before she knew it, lunch hour arrived and Marinette begrudgingly stored her supplies in her bag, careful of Tikki's wellbeing but never meeting the Kwami's gaze. Lunch didn't offer the distraction that class did, and Marinette knew it would be a struggle to make it through. Alya dutifully dragged her best friend from class once the bell rang, cornering her in the locker room until everyone left.
Marinette began to protest the wave of questions she knew Alya was about to crash down upon her, but Alya held up her hand. "I'm not going to ask anymore, girl, you'll tell me when you're ready, BUT," she eyed her best friend sternly, "you have got to start taking better care of yourself." Marinette made to protest again and Alya drove forward, "You look like shit, Marinette. I love you, girl, and I cannot imagine what has made Merry Marinette turn into Grumpy Gus, but you look like shit."
"I know," Marinette sighed, lowering her eyes and slumping her shoulders in defeat. "It's just -"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me. Please just promise you'll be OK." Marinette swallowed thickly and nodded, unable to explain to her best friend that she wasn't entirely sure she would be. The petite girl despised liars, but she also despised herself, so did it really matter? Would any of it really matter in the end? Keeping identities secret didn't matter when Marinette the Mistake couldn't keep a secret at all. "You're doing it again," the wavy haired girl said softly before enveloping the petite girl in a hug. Old Marinette would have hugged her back, but New Marinette stood there listlessly. In reality, Marinette was trying not to break down, was holding back the same sobs that had wracked her body time and time again...but only when she was alone. Sometimes she even made Tikki leave.
Alya stepped back, hands on Marinette's shoulders, and tried to catch the shorter girl's gaze. "Get some sleep tonight, OK? For me?" Marinette nodded again but refused to look into Alya's brown eyes lest her barriers come crashing down. Alya gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze before gathering her own things. "Oh, and you're not sitting alone for lunch again," Alya explained, "You're coming with me, Nino, and Adrien. You don't have to talk, but you can't keep separating yourself from everyone."
"But I want to be alone, Alya," Marinette grumbled knowing full well she was going to lose the argument and certainly having neither the emotional nor the physical energy to fight hard enough to win.
"And that's the problem," the brown eyed girl answered, slinging her bag over her shoulder, "I've left you alone and look at the result." She gestured towards Marinette. "Not anymore. Now come on, they're waiting."
...o{0}o…
Adrien was preoccupied with thoughts of his partner, but not in the usually romantic way. No, he couldn't stop thinking about Ladybug because something seemed different. She would only offer small smiles at his puns, maybe a halfhearted smirk if he was lucky, and although he had scaled back on his flirting, he wasn't entirely sure even that would get a rise out of her anymore. Sure, she fought with the same gusto and righteousness she always had, but it was somehow cold and calculating almost as if she was bored. No, that wasn't right, she wasn't bored...maybe fed up? No, not that either. Indifferent, she was indifferent, just going through the motions because she knew she had to rather than fighting because she knew it was right.
He conversed with Nino and Alya, only half listening, as they ate their lunch at the nearby park, and although Marinette's stammer had begun to improve as of late, she didn't speak enough for it to matter. In fact, he just realized, she hadn't spoken at all the entire day, and as he made to bring her into the conversation, his childhood best friend reared her indignant head.
"Oh, Adrikins!" Her voice was shrill and Alya visibly winced. Nino ducked his head so he hopefully wouldn't be noticed. "What are you doing with her?" the blond asked disapprovingly, eyeing Marinette up and down. "I mean seriously, she's totally ruining your look with that pathetic 'woe is me' pout." Sabrina finally caught up to what must have been Chloe's beeline for the group. The class bully looked over her shoulder for support before glaring back at Marinette. "Just a poor baker's daughter, and look! Can't even afford a brush!"
"Go away, Chloe," Marinette said with a bored tone, shooing away the blonde like an annoying fly.
"Excuse me?!" Alya looked from one girl to the other, mouth agape. "You do not dismiss me, Marinette Dupain-Cheng."
"Somebody should," Alya muttered. Nino elbowed her gently as a show of support.
Marinette finally looked up, her eyes focusing a little more on Chloe. "Just go away, OK? You can't make me feel worse than I already do, so don't waste your breath." With that, Marinette turned her head slowly to gaze back out over the park, eyes unfocused.
Chloe didn't know how to respond; she opened and closed her mouth a few times before clenching her jaw and turning on her heel, her hair violently swinging behind her. Nose in the air, the blonde stomped away, her redheaded lackey right behind.
"Duuude," Nino breathlessly said while grinning at Marinette, "Where did that darkness come from?"
"Not now," Alya hissed, bugging out her eyes to convey the gravity of the message.
Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. Alya was making it very clear to let it drop. On the other hand, Adrien was not one to stand on the sidelines if one of his friends needed him. Upon closer inspection, it looked like Marinette really needed a friend. There were bags under her usually sparkling cerulean eyes and now that he looked, he could see that her once pale, full cheeks appeared sunken and sallow. Chloe's attempt to undermine the other girl's self-confidence missed its mark as Marinette's hair had clearly been brushed. It was down, however, and pooled over her shoulders, gleaming in the sun and so black it was almost blue. Adrien couldn't help himself.
"Your hair is really pretty, Marinette. You should wear it down more often." He tilted his head to the side a little, almost as if he was considering further, but said nothing more. When she inclined her head towards him ever so slightly, he smiled gently, hoping she could see it. Something stirred in his heart when a fleeting smile, almost imperceptible, graced her face.
"Thanks," Marinette whispered. Without warning, her features were placid again, and Adrien was taken aback by the certainty with which Marinnete had disconnected. He did not stop smiling at her, softly showing his support whether she wanted to openly recognize it or not.
Nino ungracefully cleared this throat. "Time to head back, dudes." As he stood, he offered his hand down to his newly minted girlfriend to help her up. Adrien watched as Marinette struggled to pull herself away from her thoughts before standing himself. The blond felt horrible for his friend. Whatever had her so consumed that she could barely manage a smile must have been so hard to bear and he wasn't sure how she was doing it all alone. He made a mental note to ensure he asked Alya about it later. No one should have to suffer alone. He knew the pain better than anyone and he wouldn't let anyone else experience it if he could help it. With concern for Marinette clouding his thoughts, the young model quietly made his way back to school.
...o{0}o…
The air was brisk against her face, colder where the tears had fallen. Her ears and nose stung sharply from the cold front sweeping across Paris. Ladybug let fly with her yoyo again, the exhilaration making her heart pound against her chest as she was propelled over rooftops. When she landed, she winced, pausing long enough to give her exposed skin a reprieve from the biting cold before swinging off again in no particular direction. Cat Noir could find her on his own if he wanted. Otherwise, she was indifferent to patrolling alone and would almost be happy if that were the case. Alas, nothing had been going her way for weeks and it wasn't about to start then.
Cat Noir alighted upon the roof next to her, emerald eyes gleaming as he offered her a languid smile. "M'Lady." His bow was just as relaxed as his smile.
"Cat," she replied without emotion; it was more of a statement than anything else. His ears twitched.
"How are you feline tonight?"
Ladybug groaned, but not because he punned. "You have used that one so many times, Cat. Please retire it already," she whined a little, not making eye contact. Cat noted it was an improvement from their last patrol, but really, any interaction other than pleasantries was an improvement as of late.
His replying smile only made her groan more. "No promises, M'Lady." When Ladybug moved closer to the ledge, he followed, peering out over the city next to his partner in comfortable silence. Comfortable silence, that is, until Cat glanced over at Ladybug to compound the beauty of Paris...and found the heroine staring straight down at the ground some 15 stories below. "Ladybug?"
She jumped back with a squeak, stumbling, and for a split second, Cat Noir thought she was going to fall over the edge. His stomach lurched as he reached out, too late to help her. Ladybug caught her footing and screeched, "Holy hell, Cat! You scared me!" She tried to keep her heart in her chest as she gasped for air, bent slightly at the waist. He couldn't stop his trademark smirk at her accidental pun even though he had been afraid she was going to fall just moments before.
He stifled a laugh with the back of one of his gloved hands, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! Are you OK?!"
"I'm fine, just scared me a little." Ladybug shivered. Then her blue eyes narrowed, hands upon her hips as she straightened, still catching her breath. "You think it's funny!" Cat Noir was losing the fight to keep a straight face despite the tightening feeling in his throat. Ladybug was not faring much better.
"So do you!" Truthfully, Cat Noir wasn't fully sure why he was laughing; he was also being taken over by a nervousness he couldn't quite explain. Why was she so calm after almost having fallen off such a tall building?
She shrugged nonchalantly, grinning. "Maybe a little." She paused while she tried to school her face into placidity before scolding him. "But don't you ever do that again!"
"I'm sorry, M'Lady, I really didn't mean to!"
"Yeah, yeah…suuuuuure," she halfheartedly rolled her eyes, still trying to catch her breath as they sobered.
"Bug?" His voice was quiet, inquisitive, as he finally broke the silence.
"Hmm?" She dragged her gaze away from the horizon.
"What were you thinking about?" he asked gently. When she looked at him, confused, he continued haltingly, "Wh-when you were staring...staring at the ground?"
Her cheeks flushed, recalling the exhilaration of the unknown. "Nothing important, Kitty," she breathed. There was the barest of smiles on her face and it made his heart drop as it disappeared. "I have to go. See you in two days?" Cat Noir nodded, his heart in his throat. Without another word, Ladybug flitted away. Cat Noir swallowed thickly as he identified why exactly he had been nervous.
When he startled her, when she had almost fallen over the edge, Ladybug never even reached for her yo-yo.
...o{0}o…
Marinette settled into her bed for the night, coming down from the adrenaline high of being Ladybug. She might just get sleep for once. Patrolling was the only time she could forget her failures, where she could revel in feeling something other than emotional pain. She had begun to cry at first, the dam breaking as her adrenaline spiked while swinging through the air at incredible speeds, but as the wind dried the tears, she was able to focus on the physical strain her body required as she catapulted across Paris. If just for a little while, she was able to forget that she was the reason everything had gone so wrong.
Marinette pitied Cat Noir, having to be partnered with such a failure, so she always tried to offer him what support she could by way of smiling at his puns. He was perfect in every way that she was not and the least she could do was give him that. Why he stuck around she couldn't fathom, but despite her constantly simmering self doubt, she couldn't bring herself to give up on him. It wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to the people of Paris. She had already done enough damage, she didn't need to do more. Would it matter, though? her doubt whispered.
The raven haired girl shook her head, her lids growing heavy. It had been an impulse, to step closer to the edge, to stare at the concrete below almost as if it was inviting her. What would happen? How would it feel? She already knew what it was like to plummet at terminal velocity, years of flicking her yo-yo at the last possible moment always saving her, so why did the urge to jump seem so enticing? She had been contemplating just that when Cat had startled her. Not contemplating jumping, no, but rather the urge that seemed paramount up until the very moment Cat spoke. It was the same thoughts that lulled her off to sleep. Why did she want to jump?