AN: About six years ago I wrote this story on here. I read it a few months back and thought that I could do so much better now that I have grown as a writer. This story is jam packed full of suicidal thoughts, actions, bullying, character death. It was very difficult for me to write sometimes a few years back and I imagine it will be again. I can not warn you enough that this is a very dark fic, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know this series or these characters, if I did there would be way more Malec goodness and not much of anything else.

Warnings for this chapter include suicidal thoughts and some language.

I listened to the song Saving Me by Nickleback while I wrote this first chapter. I hope everyone enjoys.

Alec lounged in the back seat of the car his parents got for him, Isabelle, and Jace to share between them. They were on their way to a party, the last bonfire party at the beach before it got too cold. Jace was driving, taking every turn too sharp, and nodding along to the music that was blasting from the stereo. Izzy sat next to him, fingers flying across her phone as she sends her boyfriend a million texts.

Jace hits a bump that jostles Alec and he smacks the back of Jace's seat, "are you trying to kill us? We'd like to get to the party alive, slow it down."

Taking his eyes off the road, Jace glances back at Alec and gives him a cocky grin. "Yes, mom."

Narrowing his eyes, Alec points towards front of the car. "Eyes. Front. Now."

Without seeing her, Alec knows that Isabelle is grinning. She knew that he was always protective of her and Jace, that he always would be. Not that 'always' was going to last very much longer. But until his last breath, he would protect them. He pushes his finger through the strap of his book-bag, testing the weight of what's inside. His phone dings.

Tearing his eyes away from the bag, he glances down at his phone. His best friend, Allie, had sent him a text wishing that she could go to the party too, but her parents wouldn't let her. He was secretly glad that she couldn't go, it would only make it that much harder. He could get away from Jace and Iz for awhile, but Allie? No.

He hovers his fingers over the keyboard, willing himself to say the words he desperately wants to say. To tell her how he is feeling, that he needs help. Instead he types out three little words. 'I'll miss you'. It is enough, and not, at the same time. Right now she will be thinking that he'll miss her at the party, and at a normal party he would be. In a few days though, she'll know that he will miss her for another reason.

Alec once more glances at his book-bag. He had filled it earlier with his heaviest books. Even though the early October air was starting to get cooler, he was still hot in his heaviest jacket and boots. He intended to slip his book-bag on his back, and step out into the lake. His boots would make it harder for him to kick, his jacket would make it difficult for his arms to flail around, and most importantly, his bag would hopefully be heavy enough to keep him from fighting to get to the surface for air.

He knew that once he got into the water and the liquid started to fill his lungs that his body would instinctively try to safety. So, despite his brain wanting this, his body was going to betray him. He wouldn't let it happen.

When he did the research he realized that there was something romantic about drowning. A pocket full of stones. In his case, a bag full of heavy ass books.

Alec's phone dings again but he ignores it, if he looks at it, if he reads what Allie has to say, it might draw him back into the world. Isabelle looks over her shoulder at him. "Is that Allie again? You sure are popular tonight."

Jace chuckles. "Just ask her out dude. It's about damn time." Isabelle smacks him on the shoulder but doesn't say anything.

Isabelle knew that Alec was gay, somehow she always knew. Apparently Jace was oblivious to it despite the fact that Alec had a crush on him almost since they met when Jace was adopted by their parents ten years ago. Their parents, their brother Max, no one knew but Izzy and Allie.

"She's not into me like that Jace, you know that." That wasn't entirely true. Last year he met Allie at a football game that Jace and Izzy had dragged him to. Her parents made her go to it as well since her school was the away team. Two months later she kissed him and though he desperately wanted to feel a spark, he didn't. He awkwardly told her he was sorry, and that he thought he was gay. She smiled a sad smile, and said she knew, she just wanted to kiss him one time.

After today, I'll never see her again. I'll never be hit again. I'll never…

"We're here!" Jace whooped and threw up both hands before he turned off the car. "Fuck, that took forever."

Isabelle shoots him a look. "It took an hour, dumbass. And besides, it's worth it." She pushes open her door and doesn't look back at them once as she hurls herself into her boyfriend's arms, Simon.

Jace opens his door slowly and climbs out before looking at Alec, still lounged in the backseat. "Try to have some fun, okay? If anyone picks on you here, you come get me and I'll kick some ass."

Alec nods and watches as Jace shuts the door and heads off to a group of his friends. There's roughly thirty cars here, several roaring fires, and a huge crowd of people. Shaking his head, he gets out of the car, shuts the door, and walks down the beach away from all of his classmates. It's dark, and if he gets far enough away no one will be able to see him when he goes into the water. Maybe they'd find his body tonight, floating face down in the water. Or maybe it would be found in the morning. But what everyone would know is that he committed suicide.

Alec Gideon Lightwood, son of Robert and Maryse Lightwood, committed suicide.

But he felt a need to do it here. Just feet from the guys that shoved him into lockers, beat him until his skin was purple and blue. From the girls who whispered that he was emo, with his holey clothes and black hair that was almost constantly in his eyes. Even his own brother and sister couldn't wait to get out of the car and away from him when they got here. No, that's not fair, Jace and Izzy love him.

He takes a deep breath and rises from the crouch he didn't realize he had let himself fall into. The bag is heavy as he slings it across his shoulder, the dictionary digs in the middle of his back, as if threatening to sever his spine. His breath deepens as he pulls his phone from his pocket, texting three people quickly before turning it off for good.

The texts had been difficult to send. The first, to Izzy, telling her not to let Jace drive drunk and to get a ride from Simon if need be. The second, to Jace, telling him that he was not to, under any circumstances, drive drunk. The last went to Allie, telling her he loved her. Fuck, he should have said that to Izzy and Jace as well, but he knew that they'd be alarmed and come look for him.

Alec couldn't let that happen. It couldn't be one of them who found him, he'd never forgive himself. Hopefully they realize that he did love them, he just couldn't do it anymore.

Alec takes a step into the water.