i.
The first time Ahsoka sees him she's twelve.
The halls of the Jedi Temple are wide and hallowed, and the light filters in through the windows. Master Yoda tells them not to wander off because the Jedi temple is a big, big place, and they'll get lost. Ahsoka does not want to get lost, so she sticks with the other younglings even though Yumi has bad breath and is standing next to her, and Nyrkar keeps scratching his fur like there are bugs in it.
Jedi pass them, and Ahsoka sees them all.
She sees their robes, and their sabers, and she feels their crystals through the force because Master Yoda says she's strong with it and will be a Padawan learner soon. And that's good! She's so so excited because she's going to be apart of all of the action, she going to take down droids with her lightsaber and she's going to be best friends with her master, even though the other younglings laugh when she tells them and Master Windu calls her brash. She can show them how good she is soon anyway.
A shadow falls over her and she senses another Jedi, she feels his force like a raging ocean, pushing and pulling and running and flying. It's so different from the calm sea that is the other Jedi. This, this is pure raw power.
She looks up.
Then blue eyes. A troublemaker grin. A braid hanging from short, short hair.
The younglings whisper his name, Anakin Skywalker. They call him the chosen one, and say that one day they'll be even stronger than him, even though he's still a learner and even though Master Kenobi is a little bit stronger for now. Ahsoka thinks they're dumb so she tells them.
Anakin Skywalker.
Maybe one day she'll know him.
ii.
Christophsis is war and Anakin Skywalker is there.
Ahsoka is too.
Master Yoda tells her that he will be her new master. Master Yoda says that they have to learn from each other and grow together. Master Yoda says one day he'll have to let her go.
So.
She tells him, and then he hates her. Why does he need a Padawan when he has Master Kenobi? What if Obi-wan thinks he's trying to replace him?
But Ahsoka fights next to him, Ahsoka helps him because that's what Padawans do. She saves his life a couple times, no big deal.
And Ahsoka feels him. She can feel the same wild side to him that belongs to her, she can feel all his emotions in bold reds and vibrant pinks and maybe he can feel hers too. Master Kenobi watches them, Ahsoka knows it. He's happy, they're all happy. Maybe it'll be like this forever.
And Ahsoka calls him Skyguy and He calls her Snips, and yeah, it's kind of the beginning.
iii.
Padme Amidala is the mother Ahsoka never had.
She's loving and kind and amazing, and she gives Ahsoka the best hugs and talks about how annoying Anakin can be, even though Ahsoka can sense the fondness behind her words.
And what?
Maybe Anakin Skywalker does keep some of Padme Amidala's secrets. Ahsoka doesn't really ask.
But Anakin is always happier after he sees Padme, and Ahsoka can see that skip in his step, this inextinguishable smile, and she wonders what the rules of the Jedi forbid, and what people break them in secret.
But it's okay, Ahsoka's okay, she's happy. She sees some of the younglings from time to time and says hi, but sometimes they don't wave back. It's fine, as long as she has Anakin she's fine.
Captain Rex is fun to talk with and he plays the best pranks on the rest of the clones. Sometimes Ahsoka helps him, but most of the time she watches. His best friend is Commander Cody, the way Anakin's best friend is Obi-wan. She wonders if she'll ever have a best friend. Barriss Offee is nice, and she could be her best friend, but just- no. Her eyes aren't grey-blue, and her hair isn't blond, and her skin isn't as tanned. She's just- not.
So maybe it can be Padme. But Padme's best friend is Anakin because she smiles whenever he laughs and calls him an idiot when he trips over the stairs and hugs Ahsoka because she's Anakin's friend too, and Anakin has a lot of friends. He's like a whirlwind of warmth Ahsoka has been sucked into , and sometimes she wonders if she'll ever be Anakin's best friend.
So yeah, everything is good, he still calls her Snips, and she still calls him Skyguy and they fight more than ever, but it's still nice, he's nice. Sometimes he annoys her when he doesn't trust her enough, but still. He's great and he believes in her, and for now that's enough.
iv.
Sometimes Ahsoka wonders what it's like to die. She wonders if one day her eyes will sink into her face and her heart will stop beating and her if her body will be buried. She wonders if she will ever be cold in someone else's arms. She wonders if she'll feel it when she dies. If she'll be aware of every numb inch of her body.
And then, she does die. And she's simply just- gone. It's pure dark nothingness, and she can't feel herself. She doesn't really know if she's there or not. It's emptiness.
And then suddenly she's being sucked away and then there's light.
And she coughs because how long has she gone without breathing? And then Anakin is hugging her so hard and she's so surprised that he's gone before she can even hug him back.
What happened? She asks. He tells her, and she feels herself; rampant tornadoes and raging fire . If she were an insect on the expanse of her body, what flaws would she find? The light-side of the force runs through her veins and she doesn't want it.
They stay on Mortis a little longer, and settle the family disputes. Anakin turns Dark for a while and Ahsoka wants to cry because what if he's like this forever? What happens when he tries to kill her.
And yeah, she get how he feels when she had attacked him.
It's pure agony.
But the Father heals him, and Anakin is fine even though he doesn't remember anything, and Ahsoka almost wants to keep it that way, except for a tiny nagging part of her that wants to tell him so she can hurt him the way he hurt her. But she doesn't because it's okay, Anakin's okay.
They leave Mortis, and they wake up in their ship, it's like it never happened.
v.
Lux Bonteri is nice, and his mom is nice too. They live in a big big house, and Ahsoka wishes she could live there.
The war is taking it's toll, she feels heavy all the time. She's scared, she's angry, and all she does is fight a war that never seems to end. But she's hopeful. She thinks that after the war maybe she'll go to Naboo and live there for a while, it'll be peaceful, it'll be a nice change from all of the guilt. She still wonders if she'd ever be able to live in the quiet, but she thinks she'll try.
Anakin is still Angry, sometimes he punches the wall but he's always there for Ahsoka. He's her father and a brother and a best friend all in one and she's happy around him. Obi-wan is tired. He's so tired of fighting that he spends most of his day meditating. Sometimes Ahsoka meditates with him even though she's bad at it, even though her thoughts seem to runaway every second to stillness.
Lux Bonteri is a Separatist, but he's so human. He's very- kind and shy, and all of the controversary is gone after she talks with him. Her stomach feels weird, like it's bubbling a bit and maybe she's sick, but she doesn't tell him.
Mina Bonteri votes to end the war, and they almost win, but.
Count Dooku.
They leave and Ahsoka says good-bye to Lux, she thinks she'll see him again.
Anakin is not happy when they come back, but he forgives them eventually. He takes Ahsoka on a few missions, loses her on one, but she finds him, and comes back with a few other missing younglings. He is so relieved to see her and he almost hugs her but he stops. Ahsoka wonders why.
But she thanks him anyway, and it's a bit formal because he calls her, my Padawan, and it's a little different from the other times but it's still nice around Anakin.
She sees him in shades of green and Blue. He's a bit like home, she thinks, and Ahsoka is glad.
vi.
Ahsoka is a murderer.
All of the clones are looking for her and she hides in the Underworld of Coruscant because she's not a murderer, she's not she's not she's not. Anakin believes her but the Jedi don't.
Ventress finds her, Ventress helps her, Ventress betrays her.
The clones find her and Master Plo is there. She doesn't talk.
In her cell Padme tells her that she will speak for Ahsoka in her trial, Anakin believes in her; Padme believes in her, she can do this. Anakin is angry though. She can sense the rage in him like rampaging fire, because Anakin cares for her and he always protects her and he can't let her go.
The little faith Ahsoka has in the Jedi slips away with Anakin, slowly and then gone.
At her trial she gives way to it all. She's so tired of this fight, she's so tired of the Jedi's rules. She wants to fall asleep; forever and find the peace she's been fighting for. She wants to rid her life of this irony and sink to the ground with the clones she's lost on all her missions because she is not good enough.
And then Anakin storms in and tells them that it was not her. He tells them that she was responsible for the bombing and it was-
Barriss.
Barriss?
Why? Why does this betrayal taste like metal between her teeth? Why is it as if a child with far far too much energy has been released inside of her with a can of black paint?
She's there in that moment.
And then she's gone.
Barriss is gone.
Come back Ahsoka. Become a Jedi.
Come back? For me?
Her Padawan beads in Anakin's hand. A brother, a father, a best friend.
She reaches out.
And she presses her hand over his. Closes his fingers over the symbol that called her a Jedi.
She's not coming back.
And she turns away, and she walks. And inside of her- oh- inside of her it is utter devastation.
And the sobs rack her body like the onslaught of a storm, and she is so close to leaving the temple the sun is setting the sky is orange and the steps are right ther-
And Anakin is behind her.
And he begs. He is reduced to something far different than a proud master he was. He shrinks before her, into some primitive poor form of himself because he is utterly and wholly broken. He is the rain and the sun and the grass. He is the hand on her shoulder, the sky to a world.
And it all fades into the wind.
So she clutches at him and tries to tell him how much has ever meant to her. She tries to tell him stories of oceans and grass and plains and hills that were never really her dream because it was always him. She tries to tells him that his memory will be guarded in her heart, brother, friend, father, mentor. She tries to tell him that he meant everything to her. She tries to tell him that around him the meaning of life grew into something infinite and beautiful.
And under the sun she drifts away, slowly, slowly.
The togruta girl memorizes his touch, his face, his kind eyes, the fire inside him, she holds his eyes; watches him.
Then she turns away.
And she cries as the distance between them increases with every step, she cries as he watches her go, she cries as every single beautiful thing within him shatters.
She reaches through the force, one last time and he reaches out too. They touch and it is electricity.
FIN