This fic was written for the Banana Fish Big Bang 2021 on Twitter. Please check out the cover, too since it was a collaboration between a writer and an artist. The artwork was created by an amazing artist. Find her on Twitter: /ashart27?s=21 I hope you'll enjoy both.
Pain.
That was the first thing Eiji noticed when he woke up. He was hurting everywhere. His right shoulder screamed obscenities at him when he only moved his hand and his side burnt as if on fire.
But that was nothing compared to the massive headache he was experiencing, like a giant power drill penetrating his skull at different spots simultaneously. He put his left hand on his forehead, but that just made everything worse. He groaned in pain. He could feel a bandage on his head. That was probably the reason for his headache…
Had he been injured? That would explain the pain all over his body. He wished he could remember what had happened…
He slowly opened his eyes. The surroundings were slowly taking form in the dimly lit room. When he looked out of the window, he could see that it was already dark outside. Or still dark outside. What time was it anyway? How long had he been asleep…? What about Ash? Where was he?
He tried to get up, but his body screamed out in pain, forcing him back down.
He slowly looked around but didn't recognize the room. Nothing felt familiar… Another hideout, maybe? Then he heard something that finally felt familiar…
A voice…
Ash…
He talked to his gang about something in front of this room. The voices were too far away, and he couldn't really focus, too dazed to concentrate. Judging from his hazy memories and the pain he was feeling, he had probably been given some strong painkillers…
He heard Ash's cold and commanding tone that he always used when giving out orders to his gang. Even so, this time, it was different. Ash's voice wasn't just cold; it was impatient, irritated, and so icy, Eiji could feel snowflakes falling around him. He couldn't see Ash, but he probably had that stoic face that never gave anything away while he stood there with crossed arms and a penetrating stare that told everyone not to question his orders, like a true leader.
Eiji didn't like that part of Ash's life. The one that forced him to cover up his emotions and made him act in a cruel, strong and ruthless way. Plastering a mask of indifference across his face, always hiding his true feelings... Ruling a world where you couldn't show the slightest weakness, or you'd be dead before you knew it. The door was slightly open, so he tried to look through the small gap of the door, trying to lift himself a bit, but cried out in pain as a consequence, feeling dizzy at once.
Ash barked one last command at his gang that sounded much harsher than usual before he entered his room. Enter wasn't precisely the right word. As soon as the door was closed, he practically ran up to him, firmly pushing him back into the cushions.
"Idiot! Don't get up! You're reopening your wounds!" he exclaimed curtly, glaring at him furiously. But Ash's eyes betrayed him, flooding with worry and guilt as soon as he saw the tears running down his face twisted in pain.
"Are you ok? How are you feeling?" he asked in a much softer tone, his eyes observing him before he sat down next to him and clumsily wiped his tears away.
"I'm so tired… I feel terrible… Everything hurts. What happened?" Eiji groaned weakly, glancing around the room once more but still not recognizing it, then looking at Ash. He was shivering a bit and felt dizzy from trying to sit up so fast. The light from the ceiling blinding him wasn't helping, so he squeezed his eyes shut again.
"Everything's fine. But you've been seriously injured. Please rest a bit, ok?" Ash told him calmly.
Too calmly. When Ash's voice sounded so eerily calm, he was lying. Or at least hiding something vital from him. He slowly opened his eyes again, seeing the strained smile on his lips while touching his shoulder gently. It was an act, a mask that was covering up his true emotions. To reassure Eiji. To protect him.
Ash was lucky that he was way too exhausted to speculate about the reasons. For now. He was still feeling dizzy and unable to think clearly.
He saw the leftovers of the medication on the bedside table, along with some disinfectant, scissors, band-aids and bandages. He had to be in pretty bad shape. No wonder he felt so drained. He wished he could remember anything but for now everything was shrouded in darkness. He was also suffering from a splitting headache and his whole body cried out in pain if he only moved the tiniest bit.
Eiji could barely keep his eyes open. Maybe he felt better if he listened to Ash and slept some more…? He didn't know where he was, he didn't recognize the room, but that wasn't important right now. As long as Ash was here as well, everything was fine. At least, Ash was safe. And apparently, the rest of his gang as well…
"Ash, are you fine? What about the others?" he asked him weakly, his voice barely a whisper.
"Worry about yourself for once," Ash scolded him lightly. Then his gaze softened as he smiled at him.
"Don't worry. I'm fine. Thanks to you. The others, too. Some are injured, but it's nothing serious."
Thanks to you...? What did Ash mean by that?
As if on cue, right before he drifted back to sleep, he saw some of the guys opening the door quietly so that Ash wouldn't notice it. They were hiding outside, pushing and shoving to see inside, and their faces were peeking curiously through the gap in the door. Eiji weakly waved at them, signaling them he was fine. They all smiled back at him, looking relieved. Ash looked at the door and sighed heavily.
"Eiji, please go back to sleep. I'll be here, ok?" Then he reluctantly got up, moved to the door, opened it, and shooed them all away from the door.
"Get lost! Now! As you've seen, Eiji's fine, but he needs rest. Now do what I instructed you to do and get moving," he said in a cold and commanding voice, turning into a fearless gang leader again within seconds. When they had left, Ash cast one glance back at him and left the room as well. Eiji wasn't sure, but he could have sworn he had seen a barely visible smile on his face before he fell asleep again.
When he woke up again, Ash sat next to his bed, reading an article on his tablet. He was wearing glasses, and his brows had furrowed while concentrating on his reading. Some blonde strands had fallen into his face, partly covering it.
When Eiji moved a bit and grimaced in pain, Ash looked up from his tablet, putting his glasses on the nightstand next to Eiji's bed.
"You're awake. How are you feeling?" he asked, his features softening instantly while he scrutinized his face. He tried to remove some strands from his face, yet they always fell back into place.
"I'm fine –," Eiji began, automatically trying to reassure him, but was interrupted harshly by Ash.
"Don't lie to me!" he replied furiously, his eyes burning wildly. Sitting down at his bedside, he took a deep breath to calm himself, then closed his eyes for a moment before he looked at him again.
"I can see the pain in your eyes, Eiji. And you've just been wincing in pain. You still look awfully pale," Ash added quietly, lowering his gaze. "I know how painful gunshot wounds can be."
Gunshot wounds? As in more than one…?
When Ash finally looked up at him again, his eyes had darkened, drowning in regret.
"I'm so sorry, Eiji…," he added, a haunted look in his eyes while he trembled barely visibly. But Eiji still noticed it. Ash got up again, turning away from him. Ash always distanced himself from him when he blamed himself.
Eiji touched his hand, grabbing it quickly before he could walk away. He didn't know what exactly had happened, probably because he had been given some strong medication, but he did know that Ash would blame himself for everything. Again. He'd think that he only put him in danger and cause him trouble. He'd stubbornly walk away, thinking he had hurt him enough and would suffer alone again somewhere.
He couldn't let that happen! Even if pain shot through him and he was close to blacking out again, he wouldn't let go. Or Ash would stay away from him; maybe he would walk through the city or hide somewhere for a while, dealing with his pain as he had always done. On his own. Alone. He was afraid that Ash wouldn't come back. Especially when he saw the raw sorrow in his dimmed jade green eyes, overwhelmed by a darkness he didn't like...
He saw the guilt and pain confirmed in Ash's eyes before he looked away again. It was reflected in every fiber of his being: in the way he became unusually quiet, his face even paler than usual. How he nervously ran his other hand through his hair to hide the fact it was trembling…
"Ash… tell me what exactly happened? And where we are?" Eiji asked, frowning up at him while looking around the room. "This doesn't look like our usual hideout…"
"I failed to protect you. To keep you safe. Like I've promised you… Just look what I've done to you…!" he answered, his voice dripping with unbearable sorrow while a single tear ran down his face. He still tried to get away, to wriggle out of his grasp, but Eiji wouldn't let go. Even if he opened up his wounds, even if his head split in two, even if unbearable pain shot through him.
Ash's soul was writhing in agony, his heart was shattered, and he drowned in self-loathing. Ash's invisible inner torment was much more agonizing than his external injuries. So, he'd never let him deal with all of that on his own. He'd convince him once more that he wasn't alone anymore, that there was someone beside him who cared and would soothe his pain. Always.
"None of this is your fault, Ash," Eiji said, cursing himself for not remembering everything yet. There were still too many pieces missing to get the whole picture…
So he didn't know what had happened yet, but one thing was dead certain: Ash would never ever hurt him… He just wished he could remember more than just some snippets. His memory was fuzzy at the moment, like a puzzle where the most important pieces were missing…
"Of course, it's my fault!" Ash exclaimed coldly, glaring at him with eyes that were faintly red around the edges. "You only got hurt because you've stayed by my side…," he added in a low voice, standing there with slumped shoulders while sobbing quietly.
He tried to pull away from Eiji's hand, but Eiji's grip didn't budge. He wouldn't allow Ash to leave now. He had the feeling that if he let go now, he'd lose Ash forever. As if his whole world would end if he let go. Ash finally gave up on his attempt to get away from him and sat down on the edge of his bed again, his face turned halfway towards him, but still staring at the floor.
When Eiji watched Ash sitting so close, he noticed suddenly that he was in pretty bad shape. There were dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't slept in days. His clothes were rumpled and covered in bloodstains, and that wasn't the first day he was wearing them. And his blonde hair was disheveled and unwashed, hanging down in lank strands. His face was as ashen-faced as his name would imply, the dried blood on his face and arms a striking contrast. He'd never seen him like that before.
All those little observations screamed at Eiji how worried he had been, how scared that he wouldn't wake up again. How guilty he was feeling, torn between the wish to take care of him and staying away from him. Seeing all that, Eiji tried to move closer to him, to reassure him that he was ok.
But when he moved only slightly, he groaned out as the pain threatened to overwhelm him again. It felt as if his side was on fire and as if someone had stabbed a knife directly into his wound next to his shoulder, like a thousand needles pricking his damaged skin. Dizziness overpowered him, so he closed his eyes again.
"Eiji, goddammit! Don't move! I had a hard time bandaging your wounds and stopping the bleeding, ok?" Ash complained, pushing him down again, gently but firmly. Then his gaze softened, and he touched his good arm gently.
"I'll tell you if you promise not to move." Eiji just nodded weakly, too exhausted to fight with Ash. He felt so tired, but he needed to know what had happened before he fell asleep again.
"You've been injured in a gunfight. I didn't ... then, you – " Ash stopped mid-sentence and began sobbing, putting his head in his hands, hiding his tears from Eiji.
Eiji touched his shoulder softly and felt how Ash calmed down a little. "You protected me and threw me to the ground, shielding me. I'm so sorry, Eiji. I - I failed to protect you. I only managed to kill him after he'd already shot you…"
Ash's voice was cracking at the end; his hands fell on his lap, trembling badly while tears flowed endlessly down his face.
So, I've been shot…?
That explained the bandages… and the pain everywhere… Eiji had heard Ash mentioning that before and had seen the bandages and medication. However, his dazed mind hadn't fully registered the truth behind it. Until now...
"Ash, please look at me," Eiji said softly, touching his upper arm. "Please?"
When Ash didn't move, Eiji tried to get up again.
"Eiji, stay down! How often do I have to tell you that?" he called out, his green eyes flashing dangerously.
"But I've achieved my goal. You're finally looking at me. So it was worth the pain," Eiji smiled triumphantly, not the least impressed by his outburst. Ash sighed dramatically and sat in the chair next to his bed again, looking down at his hands. By doing so, Ash was distancing himself again. Physically and emotionally.
"I'm so sorry, Eiji. I promised to always keep you safe. I've failed to do that. I only bring you misery and pain. And put you in danger. I always cause you trouble…"
Eiji gently turned his face towards him. Tears were streaming down Ash's face, but this time he didn't turn away again. The pain reflected in his green eyes was causing Eiji much more pain than any gunshot wound could ever manage to do. He gently wiped the tears away, smiling softly at him.
"Ash, that's not true, you know. Besides, I can't even count anymore how often you've saved my life," Eiji said in a steadfast voice while taking his hand again. "I can't remember everything yet, but I ran to you, right? Then, protecting you was my decision. I'm responsible for my own life, Ash. And if I want to save you by risking my own life, I'll do just that. And I don't regret protecting you, so neither should you!" Eiji explained honestly, looking right into Ash's eyes with, what he hoped, was fierce determination.
Ash just stared at him; then, he stubbornly buried his face in Eiji's blanket. "I… you … would be better… stay away…," Ash sobbed quietly, muffled by the blanket. Eiji ruffled his blonde hair softly, smiling.
"Ash, this isn't your fault, and I won't leave your side. You don't bring me suffering and pain, but happiness and joy," he explained patiently. "I enjoy being by your side. And I promised you forever. I meant that. So I won't leave you alone. No matter what happens or how dangerous it will be."
Ash raised his head again, staring at him, his puffy eyes widening as if he thought Eiji had gone insane. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, apparently at a loss for words.
"I'd rather get injured while by your side than be safe without you," Eiji added quietly.
"But – "
"I'm just glad you're safe. That I could protect you this time."
"I can protect mys –," Ash replied stubbornly.
"Then, what's that on your shoulder?" Eiji interrupted him, casting him a questioning look.
The sleeve of Ash's dirty, white t-shirt was ripped and bloody.
"It's just a scratch."
"Ash!" Eiji chastised him, looking at him in disbelief. He pulled up his shirt's sleeve.
"Have you even bandaged that?" he asked, relief running through him when he saw the gauze bandage appearing under his shirt. Then his eyes softened again. "I want to be there for you, too. That's why I came out of hiding. I can't just stand there and watch while you get hurt," he explained patiently before leaning back down again.
Ash looked away from him, eyes downcast on the blanket again. "When I first saw you lying there, on top of me, I thought you were dead, Eiji. There was so much blood everywhere…," he whispered in a low voice, tears filling his eyes again.
"Everything will be fine, Ash. You'll see. I just need some rest, that's all.", Eiji said weakly, stifling a yawn. He felt so drained and could barely keep his eyes open.
Ash scrutinized his face, watching him carefully. "You need some painkillers. I can see the pain returning in your eyes. And apart from your other injuries, I bet that wound on your head has given you a massive headache. I'll be right back."
After taking the pills Ash had handed him with a glass of water, Ash put the glass on the nightstand. Then Ash touched his forehead gently to check for a fever.
"You look pale as a sheet, and you have a fever. Probably caused by the gunshot wounds. Please rest and let me take care of you for once."
"Ash, have you looked into a mirror lately? Please take care of yourself first. You look awful. Probably worse than I do," Eiji scolded him softly. "I bet you haven't slept or eaten in days. I can see the dark shadows under your eyes. Your clothes are unwashed, bloody and rumpled, too. Please take a shower, change your clothes and get some rest, too. And don't be so harsh to your gang just because you worry about me. It's not their fault. Promise me."
Ash's green eyes widened as he stared at him open-mouthed, but then his eyes softened, and he nodded.
"I promise. Thank you, Eiji. For worrying about me. You're the only one who genuinely cares. Rest a bit. I'm always here for you."
Eiji just smiled before drifting off to sleep.
After several hours, Eiji woke up again because something was tickling his face. He lay partly on his side, partly on his back, and wanted to shift entirely back to his back again when he suddenly heard a soft complaint next to him. He was so surprised; he nearly fell out of bed. But then he noticed that Ash was sleeping peacefully next to him, his blonde hair touching Eiji's chin while his head was resting partly on the pillow and partly on his chest.
Eiji gritted his teeth as hard as he could, suppressing the pain caused by the sudden movement. He didn't want to be the reason Ash woke up. He watched him, smiling down at his sleeping figure.
Some strands of his blonde hair had fallen over his face, and dried tears were still visible on his cheeks. Seeing that, Eiji just stared at him for a moment but couldn't help ruffling his hair affectionately. He only got a soft mumbling sound in return while Ash shifted slightly and clung to him even tighter as if his life depended on it. One arm hung loosely above Eiji's head while the other reached across him and was firmly gripping his upper arm as if protecting him. It hurt a bit because that was his injured arm, yet Eiji didn't push his hand away. He didn't have the heart to do that.
Ash looked so at ease for once that Eiji didn't want to wake him up, so he just closed his eyes again. Ash never had time to rest or to enjoy a sound sleep uninterrupted by nightmares. Lying there like that, he looked like a typical teenager for once. Or the little boy that had grown up too fast.
He had been so surprised because Ash had never come to him before. Usually, Eiji came to his bed and slept next to him, especially after a terrifying nightmare. But Ash never came to him on his own. Not even when he had nightmares. He only did it if Eiji encouraged him first, but even then, he was still hesitating as if not wanting to bother Eiji with his emotional trauma, thinking he'd be a burden.
He had been absolutely scared or worried about him when he had come to Eiji on his own accord and had even slept right next to him. More like, on top of him. It was Ash's way of protecting him, of saying that he would take care of him, do anything for him. Eiji had never seen him sleep so soundly before. He had a completely relaxed expression on his face. There was even a half-smile playing on his lips.
Ash looked a lot better now. The dark rings under his eyes had disappeared, and some color had returned to Ash's face. He had even showered and had changed his clothes. Since it was still the middle of the night, Eiji just decided to fall asleep again. He couldn't move anyway since there was a blonde gang leader draped halfway over him.
Seeing him like that, Eiji desperately wished he could protect him from this harsh world and just fly to Japan with him. Where he'd be safe and could lead the everyday life he had always longed for. A world where they could wake up like this every day. Where he was making coffee and looked through his photos while Ash was pushing his glasses up his nose, reading the newspaper. An everyday life where he would be a photographer and Ash would work at a library.
Unfortunately, things were never that simple. Even someone like him had realized that by now. But he could at least let him sleep peacefully. And make him feel like a typical teenager for some time. The cruel reality would come back soon enough.
After several hours, when the sun was shining into the room, Eiji woke up because Ash shifted a bit. His head still lay on his chest, a dawn of a smile on his lips. Eiji loved watching Ash sleep like that. So soundly and at peace. It nearly brought tears to his eyes that Ash, who always slept with one eye open and feared touch, rested on his chest so peacefully and didn't even wake up when he gently removed some blonde strands out of his face. He reached for his phone on the nightstand next to him, careful not to wake Ash up, and took a photo of him. And another one of both of them together.
After a while, Ash woke up, looking up at Eiji in a daze, his dull green eyes brightening slowly. The sun illuminated Ash's blonde hair, making it shine golden.
It was cute, seeing his eyes clouded with sleep and his messy blonde hair with strands sticking out at all sides. Eiji had to laugh at the sleepyhead next to him that was supposed to rule New York's underworld with an iron fist. But then he noticed that laughing hadn't been such a good idea since his side and right shoulder screamed obscenities at him, and he grimaced in pain.
"Eiji, are you fine?" Ash instantly asked, watching him closely, wide awake at once.
"I'm fine. It's just that laughing is not the best idea right now," Eiji explained to him, giving him a reassuring look. Relief ran over Ash's face. "You look much better now."
"I'm feeling so much better. Thanks for taking care of me. It seems you slept soundly as well. I was a bit surprised when I noticed you lying next to me. But you probably shouldn't have done that..."
"I'm sorry - I - " Ash began, moving away from him. Eiji gripped his wrist before he could get up.
"That's not what I meant, Ash. You can always sleep next to me. But you usually don't do it unless I ask you to. And I don't want you to catch my fever." Relief ran over Ash's face, lying back down again.
"Oh, that's what you meant. Your fever got worse in the evening, and one of your wounds didn't heal well and became a bit inflamed. I was worried that I wouldn't notice if you were in pain. I thought if I slept next to you, I'd notice if your fever got too high or if you'd suffer."
"Thank you, Ash. Is it bad? What about my wound?"
"Don't worry, I cleaned it and applied some antibiotic ointment and covered it with a gauze dressing while you were sleeping. You slept through it because of the painkillers I gave you. If you don't move around much, it should be fine."
"Thank you for looking after me. I've never seen you sleeping so peacefully. You didn't even notice when I removed some strands from your face."
"Why did you do that?"
"I wanted to take a photo. You looked so adorable when you were sleeping."
Ash's cheeks flushed with embarrassment before his eyes darkened again. "I'm not adorable, Eiji. I'm a mon - "
"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" Eiji interrupted him a bit too harshly but flinched from the sudden movement.
"Ash, you aren't a monster. You are the kindest, strongest and smartest person I've ever met. Come on; I'll show you the photo." He grabbed his phone from the nightstand next to him and showed him the picture. Ash lay back down next to him because Eiji couldn't sit up yet.
"That's ... me? But it can't be. I look so... human. People always tell me that I'm a wild beast without emotions."
"I took the photo to show you that the way you see yourself is wrong, Ash. Look at your face. You're smiling, and you're sleeping so peacefully. You're completely relaxed, and your arms are around me."
"I haven't hurt you, have I?" Ash asked, eyes widening. "I sometimes lash out when I have nightmares..."
"Ash, relax. You would never hurt me. Look, your arm around me is shielding me. Even in your sleep, you still wish to protect me. That makes you a good person, Ash. You place my life before your own. A truly evil person would never do that. But a kind one would. Like you."
"I'd always protect you. And I noticed that I feel safe next to you," he admitted, his eyes softening. "Thank you, Eiji."
"Here's one from both of us. Isn't it cute?" he asked, looking at him. Ash looked at the photo and smirked. "Yes, but why are you smiling like an idiot?"
"Because you can't. You rarely smile, and often it's a mask. Not real. So, I smile for both of us. Waiting for the moment when I see a genuine smile from you."
"I often smile when I'm with you."
"Yes, but I want to see one that lights up your whole face. One that displays true happiness. One that reaches your eyes. And I will see it. One day."
Ash looked away, but Eiji had still seen the faint blush dawning on his cheeks. After a moment of silence, his defiant look that Eiji knew so well returned. His eyes flared up and burned intensely.
Uh-oh. That didn't bode well. Eiji wondered why his mood had changed all of a sudden. That was probably the time when Ash would lecture him. He didn't know what had happened exactly; some pieces were still missing, mainly the most important ones. Yet, the only thing he got from trying to remember harder was a massive headache.
"You're a complete idiot; you know that?" Ash exclaimed bluntly, giving him an exasperated look.
"Ash, before you get mad, can you at least tell me where we are?" Eiji asked, still exhausted but feeling much better now. "You didn't give me an answer the last time."
"It's one of my old hideouts. We've taken you here after you've been injured, Eiji. Our last hideout had been compromised and wasn't safe anymore."
"Oh, yeah, now, I remember…," Eiji said quietly. "I gave up my hiding place...to run towards you… but I still can't remember what happened before..."
"It was stupid of you to come out of hiding! You could have died, Eiji!" Ash exclaimed angrily, his eyes glowing dangerously. His hand was gripping the blanket so tightly; his knuckles turned white.
Eiji was about to get mad at him, to tell him he had had an excellent reason to get involved. That he couldn't just stand there doing nothing while he got hurt. That it was unfair of him to scold him for that. The harsh reply was already on the tip of his tongue.
But then, he saw Ash's face, how he tried hard to hold back his tears, how they ran down his face anyway. That was the moment Eiji finally realized how scared Ash had been—scared that he would die and leave him all alone. He gently touched his cheeks, wiping away his tears.
"I'm here, Ash. Everything's fine," he said, smiling and moving closer to him, although his whole body still hurt from the tiniest movement. He flinched from the pain but didn't stop reassuring Ash he was fine. Ash was hurting much more. His injuries were just invisible to most. He had hidden them well, but Eiji always saw them. Ash had gradually let him see his real personality, the soft and suffering teenage boy he had suppressed and kept secret most of the time.
Ash just stubbornly buried his face in the pillow next to Eiji's head again, hiding his tear-streaked face and the embarrassment from him. Eiji smiled, patting his head lightly.
"Don't do something like that again," he mumbled into the sheets while he started trembling again. "I can't lose you, too, Eiji…," he added, pain overwhelming his voice so much it was cracking at the end.
"That wound on your temple… that bullet could have also killed you… That was sheer dumb luck… What would I do without you? You're the only good thing in this world. You're the only reason I can get through each day. Because I know at the end of the day there is at least one person who cares about me. Someone genuinely good and pure without any ulterior motives… Someone worth fighting for..."
Eiji just stared at him and stroked his back, feeling how Ash relaxed more and more. "You won't lose me. I promise. But I can't just ignore it if people around me get hurt. Especially you. This is not who I am, Ash. But I promise you to be more careful from now on. I wish I could remember what I saw that made me protect you..."
"I know what happened, but I think you should remember it on your own."
Eiji nodded in agreement. It was always better to remember things at your own pace.
After Ash had calmed down, he sat upon the edge of the bed again, hesitating slightly before taking Eiji's hand. "I just want to keep you safe. Protect you. Especially from my world."
"I know that, Ash. And you've already saved me countless times. You've saved me again, this time by patching me up and by bandaging my wounds. Thank you, Ash.", Eiji said, smiling weakly at him.
A faint blush spread across his cheeks before Ash stubbornly looked away. After a moment, he looked at Eiji, suddenly serious again.
"I'm sorry that I can't get you a doctor, Eiji. But I know how to treat wounds like that. You'll be fine, I promise." Eiji just nodded. "I know that, Ash. I trust you. I'm just tired, that's all," he said, stifling a yawn.
"Oh, that reminds me. Wait a moment," Ash said, returning with a bowl of soup and a spoon.
"Eat this before you sleep again, ok? You have to eat something to regain your strength."
Eiji took it and tried the soup. "Wow, that's delicious!" he said, color returning to his face. "Did you make this?"
"I did. You don't have to look so surprised," Ash pouted when he saw Eiji's surprise.
"Griff and I lived alone, so we also cooked together. Since I was a kid, I couldn't do much, but I've always watched him. So I at least can cook some basic stuff…" Then he fell silent. "I've never told anyone else about my life with my brother before…," he added quietly.
Eiji's look softened. "Thank you for telling me, Ash. I wish I could have met your brother. Back when you lived together, I mean. He sounds like a nice and kind person. You must miss him."
Eiji could see the defiance returning to his face and the instant denial on his tongue, but then Ash stopped himself. He paused for a moment as if remembering suddenly that he was talking to Eiji. Then warmth returned to his eyes, and he got a dreamy look, probably imagining the time with his brother—a time where he had been happy.
"Yes, I miss him. A lot. He was a lot like you. He was always putting other people first and looking out for them, never thinking about himself. Eiji smiled at that.
After Eiji finished the bowl, Ash took it back to the kitchen, handing him some painkillers and bandaging his wounds again.
"Your wound looks better now; I'm relieved. Your fever's gone down, too. Rest a bit, ok? You need it. You look better but still awfully pale," Ash said, a half-smile on his face.
Eiji felt utterly drained, but he was slowly feeling better. Maybe if he slept some more, he would recover quickly? He couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, so he didn't fight it and closed them. He felt Ash moving closer and touching his forehead to check for fever once more before he finally gave in and slowly dozed off.
Eiji would always recognize Ash's touch even when blindfolded because his touch was still so clumsy, and he always hesitated slightly, and sometimes he even pulled his hand back as if scared to hurt him. It broke Eiji's heart seeing or feeling that. Eiji had tried to teach him that his hands couldn't just kill people but also comfort and heal people. Ash saw the confirmation of that in Eiji's eyes or because he leaned into his touch each time and relaxed instantly. But Ash still wasn't entirely convinced. Yet.
So his touch meant so much more for Eiji because he knew how hard it was for Ash to touch him in a gentle or comforting way when touch had only meant pain and violence for him most of his life. So, it meant so much more if Ash initiated touch.
Eiji had tried to teach him that gestures were meant to comfort and help people. That he could use them on him, too. That his touch could also be gentle and soft and was capable of making him feel safe and protected. That his hands could help him to relax, that his touch helped Eiji to forget that he didn't belong in this world and all the danger, violence and warfare surrounding him. That Ash could make him forget all of that for a moment with just a single touch or a gesture, even if it was still clumsy, awkward and full of hesitation. That didn't matter. It was honest, pure and genuine; that was why it meant so much to Eiji.
Ash had never learned how to comfort someone, how to use gestures, or which gestures even to use. He had never received soft or loving gestures, either. Gestures that parents would use on their children and which Eiji had taken for granted his whole life. Ash had never learned how it felt like to receive a loving gesture from someone. A pat on the head. A kiss on his forehead. Putting some strands behind his ear, stroking his hair or caressing his cheek.
Eiji slowly opened his eyes again when Ash abruptly removed his hand again. As if remembering that his hands were only meant to kill and hurt people. Eiji looked at him, scrutinizing his face.
Ash always got that slight frown on his forehead, and his eyes tightened when he wanted to do something but wasn't sure if that was allowed. Like a gesture or a touch, he wasn't familiar with.
Eiji knew only too well how much effort it took for Ash even to try. So they had a special meaning in his heart. Eiji didn't say anything. Instead, he just intertwined his and Ash's fingers gently, showing Ash that he wouldn't hurt him, that he wasn't afraid. That he would never be.
Ash's frown intensified, looking down at their joined fingers as if seeing them for the first time. His eyes widened slightly, then slowly softened. A small smile rose on his lips when he looked directly at him. What he saw in Eiji's golden brown eyes encouraged him because he visibly calmed down before his free hand reached for his face, trying again. He awkwardly put some damp strands out of his face. Eiji instantly relaxed and closed his eyes. He could feel how Ash placed a soft kiss on his forehead before gently wiping his sweaty forehead with a cold cloth before stroking his hair.
Eiji lay back down again. "Thank you, Ash. That feels great."
Then he opened his eyes again, looking up at him, watching him closely.
"Will you stay here? You won't do something dangerous again without telling me? You promise?" Eiji asked him suspiciously. Ash wanted to protect him by not telling him everything. By hiding things from him. Eiji understood his reasoning, but that didn't mean he liked it. Especially if it meant Ash was suffering alone again without him even realizing it. When Ash didn't reply at once, Eiji tried again, this time more firmly.
"I'll stay here. I promise. Arthur's gang was weakened because I injured him severely. So, he will lay low for a while. And since I stole Dino's money and he had to leave the country, we have some breathing space at the moment."
Ash grabbed a chair and sat down next to Eiji's bed before pulling a sweater over his t-shirt and putting on his glasses.
"I love that sweater on you, even if it's two sizes too big.", Eiji said, smiling weakly. "The red and black stripes make you look like a rock star. You just need a guitar."
"Actually, I can play the guitar a little. Shorter taught me how to play it."
"Doesn't surprise me. I bet you'd be a rock star if you only tried. You're smart enough to do it. Do you remember the CD shop you showed me? There was a poster of a guy with blonde hair who wore the same hoodie you do now. What was his name again?"
"You mean Kurt Cobain? You're probably the only one I know who didn't know him. He's a legend. Not recognizing him should be illegal."
"Yes, that's the one. And rock music isn't what I usually listen to. But that guy looks like you. Not only the slim build and the blonde hair. Especially your eyes are the same."
"Huh, what do you mean?"
Your eyes of both of you are clouded. They both carry devastating sadness in them. So, his eyes reminded me of yours. His voice, too."
Ash smiled sadly at him. "I promise you something. If you've recovered enough, I'll play something for you. I think there was some guitar lying around here somewhere. I don't know if it still works, though. I'll have to ask Alex about it."
"Really?" Eiji beamed at him. "I'd love that!"
Eiji yawned, feeling how drained he was and how sleep covered him like a blanket, too exhausted from the pain and talking to Ash. Maybe if he got a good rest, he could recover quickly and wouldn't be a burden to Ash and everyone else…
When he woke up later, Ash was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Alex peeked inside, coming in when he saw that he was alone. Eiji waved him in, grinning when relief flooded Alex's face.
Eiji couldn't hide his smirk when he saw Alex's face. "It's that bad, huh?"
"No, it's even worse. Eiji, please get better soon, ok? Ash is a living nightmare. Since you've been injured, he's turned into a devil commander, ordering us around in a harsh tone. His temper is even worse than normal; he's just barking out orders in a terrible mood and gets furious at us for nothing. If you don't get better soon, we won't survive the next few days."
"I'll try my best.", Eiji assured him. "So, where's Ash?"
"He gave us instructions and told us if we couldn't do it before you woke up, we didn't need to return. Ash is a fucking mess. He tried to take care of everything before you woke up. He's spent the last hour cooking something. I didn't even know he could cook. He's never cared about cooking before. I think he wanted to make you breakfast. And he asked me about an old guitar in one of the storage rooms. When I asked him why he went mad as hell and said it wasn't my fucking business and just to answer the damn question. He was close to going for my throat! I'm lucky I survived!"
Eiji smiled at that. "Don't worry; I'll take care of Ash."
"You mean I'll take care of you.", Ash said, entering with a tray of food in his hands. Then he glared at Alex. "What the fuck are you still doing here?"
"Alex was looking for you," Eiji helped Alex out.
"Yes, I wanted to tell you that I'll take care of the matter now we've talked about earlier. And that I've found the guitar. I've put it on the wall over there. You have to check yourself if it still works. I've never touched a musical instrument in my life before so that I wouldn't know."
Ash just nodded, turning into the feared gang leader at once. Alex winked at Eiji and quickly left the room before Ash could react to that. Ash glared at the door for a moment, then turned to Eiji.
"So, have you had breakfast in bed before?" Ash asked, winking at him.
~ ~ ~
A reflection of light flashing in a building opposite them had given him away. The sniper aiming at Ash. He had noticed that Ash had felt his presence, too but couldn't pinpoint the exact location while fighting three people at once.
"Ash, watch out!" Eiji desperately called out to him. Ash had finished his opponents but didn't look in the direction of the sniper but at him. Eiji had realized too late that the sniper was in his blind spot. He desperately motioned in the direction, screaming at him.
However, Ash needed a moment to understand what Eiji was signaling to him. They were too far apart; Ash probably hadn't heard his warning. His words had been drowned in the sounds of their battle. When he finally looked in the sniper's direction, Eiji pointed at the sniper had already fired. Eiji ran to him, tried to reach him in time.
Yet, he was too late. Just a fraction of a second before he reached him, the bullet hit Ash, and a fraction of a second later, he saw Ash tumbling back through the force of the gunshot, having found its target. It had hit Ash right in the center of his forehead. He was dead before he even hit the pavement, his vacant eyes staring up at him while blood ran across his face.
"Nooo! Ash!" Eiji screamed, shooting up suddenly, his hand reaching out in the darkness.
Gasping desperately for air, he gripped his shirt where his chest was. He could feel the tears running down his face, blurring his vision. Cold sweat was running down his forehead and his temples, mixing in with his tears.
He couldn't breathe, desperately snapping for air. He was trembling hard and put his arms protectively around himself.
Ash's dead body with a bullet hole in his forehead and his lifeless eyes staring up at him flashed through his mind like a video on infinite loop, deeply engraved in his mind.
Ash is dead. I was too late… I couldn't save him…
His ears kept ringing with the sound of the gunshot being fired and hitting Ash, blood dripping down his face before stumbling backwards and hitting the pavement.
Ash is dead because of me. I distracted him… killed him… what have I done…?
Suddenly, he felt a hand touching his shoulder. Panicking because of the unexpected touch, he flinched and pushed that person away from him with all his remaining power.
"No! Let go of me!" Eiji screamed frantically, his voice cracking at the end. The hand immediately pulled back, and someone was moving away from him. Then, the light was switched on. Someone came closer again and slowly sat down beside him, still some reasonable distance away.
"Eiji, can you hear me? Everything's fine."
Nothing's fine. Ash is dead… Wait, but that was his voice right now. It sounded so real… Like him… A trap?
"Impossible… I saw you die…"
"Eiji, I'm really here. And I'm not dead. It was just a nightmare. You recognize my voice, right?" Eiji nodded through his tears.
Ash…
Eiji would recognize his voice anywhere. Always. Slowly, Ash's words reached his dazed and confused mind.
A nightmare? But it had felt so real...
"Eiji, can I take your hand? I know you can't see much through your tears, but you recognize my hand, don't you? Maybe you believe me if you feel my touch?"
Eiji hesitated for a second, then nodded and slowly reached for him with his still trembling hand. As soon as Ash took his hand in both of his, he relaxed. He would always recognize Ash's hands; seeing them wasn't necessary. Eiji had often held his hand if he had suffered from a nightmare, had often intertwined their fingers to show him his touch wouldn't hurt him. And to help him fall asleep again after a nightmare. His touch or physical presence gave Ash a sense of comfort and safety.
Ash's hands always felt a bit rough and dry. He could feel his long fingers and his larger hand covering his smaller one without any problem. His fingers slowly moved over the scars on his hands from handling a knife and the burn marks and cuts from shooting an old-fashioned revolver for years. Ash had told him once that handling a revolver is different from a semi-automatic handgun he had handed him once. If you placed your fingers too close to the cylinder gap, you risked injuries like cuts, burns or worse from the expelled gases and particles.
Some of his injuries were older, and some more recent, still Eiji knew every single one of those scars by heart. He recognized all the scars and lines of his palms. Tracing them and running along them with his long and slender fingers soothed him. Even though he hated the wounds on his fingers, his palms and the back of his hand because they were proof of his cruel life and his horrible experiences, they felt familiar and comforted him.
They proved to him that Ash was still by his side. That all of those images had only been part of a nightmare. Tracing his hands made him feel safe. Ash noticed that, too. His touch wasn't strong, but he had loosened the grip around his hands and allowed him to take the lead when Eiji began tracing them and calmed down more and more.
When he had calmed down a bit, Ash returned the touch and gently rubbed the back of his hand, moving his thumbs in a circular motion to soothe him. His touch calmed him down instantly, mainly because his movements were so unique, always a bit clumsy and hesitant because he was still learning that his touch could help him, not yet fully convinced.
That's why his touch was always a bit awkward, and Ash was touching him so carefully, still afraid to hurt him. As if Eiji was made out of glass and he was scared to break him. Or as if his hands covered in blood would taint his soul or his smile. He loved how Ash knew him so well, kept his distance because he had realized that he was still trembling and frozen up, still shaken up from that nightmare that had scared him to death. The images were still flickering behind his eyes…
"Eiji, can I come closer?" Ash quietly asked. Eiji just nodded, choking on the words that wouldn't come. He was relieved Ash had asked first because he couldn't see more than blurry silhouettes through his tear-filled eyes even if he opened them. And a sudden movement or hug, even from Ash, would have scared him in this situation.
Ash moved closer, wiping some damp strands out of his face and kissing him on his sweaty forehead.
"Ash…" Eiji instantly leaned into his touch while tears filled his eyes again.
"It's fine, Eiji. I'm here. You're not alone," he assured him while caressing his face and wiping his tears away with his thumbs. He instantly felt better when he felt Ash's gentle touch, realizing that he wasn't alone any longer.
"Open your eyes and look at me, ok? You're still not breathing right, Eiji." He heard how Ash's voice drowned in worry and fear for him, so he put his hand on Ash's that was still cupping his cheek to assure him he was feeling better, attempting a smile.
However, he still hesitated. He wasn't used to having nightmares, and that one had terrified him to the bone. By now, he couldn't even imagine a life without Ash. Primarily because of that feeling towards him, he didn't want Ash to see him this weak. So pathetic, with puffy or red-tinged eyes and tears streaming down his face…
He wanted to be strong for Ash. To take care of him. To be his safety blanket, his pillar of strength. It wasn't supposed to be the other way around…
"I - I don't want you to see me like that…"
"That's bullshit, and you know it!" Ash exclaimed furiously, his voice raging through the room like a storm. When Eiji finally opened his eyes and stared at him, stunned by his outburst, he took a deep breath and calmed himself.
"I'm sorry, Eiji. I - I was scared. You always told me that our bond is mutual. And you've always been there for me when I was suffering, so I've always wanted to return the favor," he admitted honestly in a much softer voice.
"I know I'm not good at emotions and stuff. But that doesn't change the fact that I want to take care of you, too, if you're suffering."
Eiji wiped his remaining tears away and looked up at Ash in surprise, seeing him clearly for the first time. Looking at him, the worry in his eyes, the tears pricking in them and the gentle way he looked at him made him break down entirely. He fell towards Ash, feeling how his strong arms caught him. He clung to him like a lifeline, his fingers gripping Ash's back as hard as he could while crying uncontrollably, unable to stop the tears from falling.
He could feel Ash hesitate slightly before he pulled Eiji closer, tightening the hug, putting one hand on his back and his other hand touching the back of his head gently, moving his hand gently through his hair. Ash whispered some soothing words into his ear until Eiji's tears slowly turned into sobbing, and he finally stopped trembling.
"Ash, I'm so sorry," Eiji began, still sobbing.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Eiji," Ash assured him.
"But - "
"Eiji, your nightmare nearly came true. If you hadn't saved me, I wouldn't be sitting here next to you. And you don't belong in this world. So, it's only natural that you have nightmares from your terrifying experiences here in New York."
"Thank you, Ash. My nightmare made me remember what happened that day. The sniper. How I saw the reflection of the telescopic scope in the breaking dawn and protected you. I'm so happy you're still alive. That I was capable of saving you."
"Yes, me, too. Although, I hate that you got hurt while saving me. Please lie down again, ok? I hope your nightmare hasn't opened your wound at your side again. Let me check."
Of course, Eiji's wound had opened up again. Ash cleaned it, put some antibiotic ointment on it to prevent more infection, and bandaged it again. Luckily, his injury on his upper arm, right next to his shoulder, and on his temple had both healed pretty fast and didn't hurt as much anymore.
"Why don't you try to sleep again?" Ash suggested while checking his forehead for a fever. Luckily, it had finally gone down. Ash didn't need to tell him; pure relief was reflected in Ash's eyes.
"No, I can't. All those images - "
"They're still flashing through your mind. I know what that feels like."
Ash's eyes suddenly lit up, and he smiled. "I have an idea how to distract you."
"Like what?"
"I'll fulfill my promise to you." When Eiji stared at him with a blank look on his face, he grinned wickedly at him, amused at seeing his confusion.
"I'll be right back. He turned to the table and filled a glass with water, then picked up the guitar leaning on the wall, hiding it behind his back.
"He gave him the glass of water and showed him the guitar, grinning wickedly.
"Please drink the water first; then I'll play something for you."
"Really?" Eiji asked, beaming at him. Ash nodded and watched how Eiji finished the glass of water. "What about your gang?" he asked him.
"It's the middle of the night. They're all busy completing my orders. They won't return for a while.", Ash replied while Eiji finished the rest of his water.
"But - "
"Don't worry. As I've told you before, Arthur is seriously injured, and Dino's out of the country, so we have some breathing space at the moment," he reminded him patiently before pushing him gently back down into the cushions.
"Lie back down. You need rest. You're still awfully pale, and I can see the pain returning to your eyes."
"Yes, you're right. Play something for me. Please."
Ash sat beside him and smiled. He checked the guitar and the strings.
"The guitar should still work, but it hasn't been used regularly. If a string snaps, we're out of luck. My gang plays it from time to time. They think I don't know, but, of course, I know everything about my guys and their shenanigans. So, it should still work."
He played some sounds on the different strings, trying to tune the guitar before a little warm-up. "I haven't played in years. It won't sound that good. Shorter was much better at it." Ash looked down at the guitar while a tear ran down his face.
"Ash, you don't have to if it makes you sad."
"Not, it's fine. The memories of Shorter and me playing guitar together are pretty funny. Shorter always told me to put more emotions into it, that music comes from the heart and the soul, and technique wasn't that important. I slowly understood what he meant when I watched him play."
Ash tried to smile, yet, it was filled with so much sadness that Eiji changed the topic.
"Do you know a song you can play, Ash?"
Ash's mood brightened instantly, and he thought about it for a moment. Eiji could practically hear how the cocks and wheels in his brilliant mind were turning. After a moment, he looked directly at him, or more like through him, then his eyes lit up, and he grinned mischievously at him. Eiji wondered what that was about.
"Do you know the lyrics?"
Ash nodded. "You want me to sing them?" he asked on a whim. Eiji saw in the way his green eyes widened that his question had even surprised himself.
"You can sing, too?" Eiji asked in amazement.
"I - I don't know. I've - never sung to anyone before. Except for the karaoke evenings, Shorter dragged me to go. Shorter was usually the one singing. He could only convince me once when I was much younger—and drunk. Still, if it would make you feel better, I'd try."
The faint red color spreading across his cheeks and his uncertainty and even shyness were so endearing. It was a side he only showed to him, no one else. And he loved that Ash felt comfortable enough to do that. To show his true self to him, the shy little boy that was afraid that his voice wasn't good enough to sing something for him.
"I'm sure your voice sounds great, Ash. Let me hear it."
Ash looked at him, then nodded, a small smile dawning on his lips.
"Promise me not to kill me." Ash wore a wicked grin that usually meant he was up to something. Usually something Eiji didn't like.
Ash started playing and began singing. His voice was soft and melodic because the song was slow and cheesy.
Ash's voice was terrific. At first, he sang in a low voice, waiting for a reaction from him and looking at him with a hint of uncertainty. It was so cute. He'd never seen Ash's timid and nervous side before, and he found it so adorable. He looked so much younger like that. He nodded and smiled encouragingly at him, and Ash quickly found back to his confident self.
Eiji had been so focused on Ash's voice, his blonde strands falling into his face and the smile on his lips that the lyrics had slipped by him.
When Eiji finally listened to the lyrics and recognized the song, he felt how a stubborn look crossed his face. That idiot couldn't be serious…
I'm not in love, so, don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think
You've got it made
I'm not in love…
Eiji pouted and crossed his arms in defiance, glaring at Ash. Too bad he couldn't see it since he concentrated on playing the guitar and singing the lyrics.
He looked up for a short moment and grinned at him before he continued singing the song, and his gaze went back to the guitar.
I keep your picture upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there
So don't you ask me to give it back
I know you know it doesn't mean
That much to me
I'm not in love…
Ash looked up and stopped playing abruptly, then burst out laughing. "I think I should stop playing for my personal safety. If death glares could kill, I'd be dead by now."
"So, you don't love me? A musical rejection? Fine, I get it. I'll go back to sleep then." Eiji feigned annoyance and put the blanket over himself.
Ash leaned the guitar on the bed and moved closer to him, removing the blanket. Eiji snatched it away from him and dived under it again.
"I'm not liking you very much right now!"
"Eiji, don't be mad, ok? It's one of your favorite songs. You have it on your playlist. Besides, it's your fault. You asked me to play it. In a way, you chose it."
"Huh?" Eiji finally removed the blanket so he could look at him. "What do you mean?" His eyes burnt into Ash's. He had no clue what Ash was talking about. He'd never pick such a song. However, he had to admit it fit Ash's stubborn personality perfectly. He wanted to turn away, to ignore him for a while, yet he was too curious what Ash had meant when telling him the song had been his choice.
Ash smiled and pointed to his chest. Or, to be more precise, to the t-shirt he was wearing. It was one of the t-shirts he had bought here in the US. Not in New York but Cape Cod.
"Your t-shirt."
Eiji gripped his t-shirt and turned it a bit upwards, so he could read the front even if it was upside down.
It was a plain white t-shirt with several stripes covering the front. On his chest, the words 10 CC were printed, and below that, a palm tree was drawn.
"Oh, I didn't notice which t-shirt I'm wearing. You're right. That song was by 10 CC, right?"
"Yes. It's the only song by them I know. So, will you finally forgive me?"
"I don't know… So, you only use photos of me to hide stains on your wall?" Eiji asked with raised eyebrows.
Ash chuckled, realizing he was only teasing him.
"You know I was just kidding. Stop messing with me, Eiji." Eiji stroked his blonde head and giggled. Then, without warning, he flicked his forehead.
"Ouch! That fucking hurt!" Ash cursed, rubbing the spot on his forehead.
"Well, it was supposed to hurt! That was my revenge. Playing that song after I confessed my feelings to you was beyond cruel.", he accused him, glaring intensely at him.
"I'm sorry. Even so, you know I wasn't serious. I could see it in your eyes. And I managed to distract you from your pain. The color has returned to your face, and you look much better now. So, even if the song's lyrics were stubborn, they cheered you up. And don't you think the song is perfect for me?"
"Yes, a stubborn song for a stubborn idiot. That's probably why I always listen to it. It reminds me of my American idiot." Ash stifled a yawn, and Eiji suddenly remembered that it was the middle of the night. He rubbed at his eyes.
"You look much better now. Do you think you can sleep again?" he asked while his eyes were scrutinizing his face, checking if he was really fine on his honest features.
Eiji nodded. "Yes, thank you, Ash. I'll try. You should sleep as well."
Then, Ash covered him with the blanket and placed a kiss on his forehead. He switched off the light and got up, about to leave for his bed on the other side of the room.
Suddenly panic shot through Eiji, alone in the darkness. He quickly grabbed his wrist. "Wait!"
He felt how Ash stopped and sat down beside him again, alarmed by his panicked tone of voice.
"Eiji, what's wrong?" Even if Eiji only saw his silhouette in the semi-darkness, the New York skyline still illuminating part of the room, he still heard the confusion and worry in his question.
"C - can you stay? Here? Next to me?"
"Of course, I'm sorry. I should have thought of that. You dreamed of me getting shot, right? So, of course, you'd sleep better if you felt my presence. I'm an idiot."
He slipped under the covers next to him, put an arm around his back and pulled him closer. Eiji's head dropped onto his chest. When he wanted to remove it, lifting himself up, Ash gently but firmly pushed him back down.
"Stay like this. You'll sleep better if you feel I'm still breathing, right? And I don't mind. I always sleep more soundly next to you."
So, Eiji just smiled and pulled him closer. For a while, they lay there in comfortable silence, listening to each other's heartbeats and breathing patterns like a lullaby.
"I'm sorry, Eiji. I still haven't given you an answer to your confession. I needed some time to understand that you really meant that. Many people here in New York told me that they loved me, but no one did. To them, love meant possession, domination, control and power over someone.
So, when you told me the same, I felt sick for a moment, and I panicked. Then I saw your warm eyes before me and remembered that it was you who told me that. And I could see the honesty and truth displayed on your face."
"I'm sorry, Ash. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. I just wanted you to know. I told you, I don't need an answer. I knew you would need some time to think about that. Just take your time."
"I still don't understand how you can love someone like me. However, I see in your eyes that you really do."
"The why is not important. The important thing is that you believe me."
"I do. And I thought about it."
"That's all I wanted. I just wanted to teach you that you deserve love as well.
That you're perfect to me just being who you are."
"Thank you, Eiji. I'll give you an answer soon. An honest one. I promise."
"If all of this is over, come with me to Japan,"
"Huh? I can't -," Ash began, his voice trembling a bit. That suggestion had genuinely surprised him...
"It's my dream," Eiji interrupted him softly. "To take you to Japan and show you a beautiful world without violence. The world you deserve."
Eiji expected a stubborn reply, but instead, Ash said something he hadn't expected.
"Japan, huh? I'd like to go there someday." Eiji didn't see it, but he heard the smile on his face. And could imagine the dreamy look in his eyes.
He pulled Ash closer and placed a hand protectively on his arm. He'd do anything for Ash. And he'd always protect his soft smile and warm gaze.
He watched Ash for a moment, sleeping peacefully before he drifted into a deep sleep in Ash's arms as well.
After they had breakfast, Eiji was feeling much better, so he was bored to death. He wasn't used to lying in bed and resting. He was used to filling his time in a useful way by going shopping and cooking, cleaning or taking care of the hideout and Ash's gang in any way he could.
He hated to feel useless, like a burden, so he kept himself busy. If he didn't, he would go crazy while worrying about Ash and his gang. They had all become as close as a family to him so that he couldn't help but worry.
He had already read all of his manga, had browsed through some of Ash's books and the newspaper. Ash was busy talking to his gang and gave out orders for the next few days. Finally, Eiji got up and decided that he had enough rest. His wounds had all healed, and only the injury at his side still hurt a bit, so he could at least clean their room since Ash had the bad habit of dropping everything where he stood. So, everything was a mess.
He could at least pick up the clothes and clean the remains of their breakfast plates. He went to the kitchen and watched the dishes. Since he hadn't been around, a tower of dirty dishes had piled up, so he spent a while doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen.
When he was done, he cleaned the room he shared with Ash. His wounds at his shoulder and side still burned a bit, yet, he finally felt alive again and at least a bit useful. He couldn't rely on Ash all the time. Not when he fought hard just to survive the following day.
Ash had also suffered from a gunshot wound to the shoulder. Even so, he wasn't lying in bed with a fever. He felt so pathetic sometimes. He knew that he helped Ash a lot emotionally; he just wished he could do more than that…
He picked up some clothes, but this time he had bent down too low. Pain shot through his side. He suddenly felt dizzy and lost his balance, unable to do anything against it. He expected to fall hard onto the floor.
Yet, the fall never happened. Strong hands had caught him at the last second, supporting him.
Eiji looked up. Ash, uh oh…
Ash's eyes tightened and twitched angrily while his green eyes glared at him, glowing dangerously.
"Eiji, what the fuck are you doing? I told you to stay in bed! Why do you never listen to me?" he exclaimed harshly. Yet, Eiji had heard the worry lingering in his voice.
"Go back to bed."
"No, I'm fine.", Eiji replied stubbornly, although he knew he wasn't okay.
His vision was still blurry, but he didn't want to trouble Ash any longer.
"Ok, then you can walk to the bed on your own if you're fine," Ash said, clearly irritated.
Ash helped him to stand up, then slowly let go of him, the supporting arm vanishing. Eiji was still a bit dizzy, so he stumbled and grabbed onto Ash before falling.
Ash rolled his eyes at him and shook his head in disbelief.
"What am I going to do with you?"
"Sorry. I just felt like a burden, so I wanted to get up and get some work done. You have so much on your mind, and I'm only troubling you. I always slow you down. I'm sorry, Ash."
Without warning, Ash picked him up and carried him to the bed, mischief flaring up in his eyes while doing so.
"Ash, what are you doing?" Eiji felt how his cheeks heated up in embarrassment.
Yet, he couldn't say that he didn't like it. He put his arms around Ash's neck, unable to hide his smile. He saw with some satisfaction how a faint blush spread across Ash's cheeks, too.
"Taking care of my defiant spider monkey?"
He carried him back to the bed again, lay him down and covered him with a blanket.
"Eiji, you're never a burden. You're the only ray of light in the pitch-black darkness that I call life, ok?"
"I'm sorry, Ash. I felt much better, so I got up. But I guess I overdid it a little…"
"Have you taken care of your gang? And all the things you wanted to get done?"
"Yes, don't worry. I ran some errands while you were still sleeping. My gang takes care of the rest. I often disappear for a few days, so Alex is used to taking the lead. There's a reason I chose him as my second-in-command."
"So, what now?"
"Since I have to make sure you stay in bed, I could play another song for you.
Some real music." He smirked at him. Eiji's mood brightened instantly.
Real music usually involved rock music, in Ash's case. Yet, he also had a weak side for some cheesy love songs from the '80s, like him. Shorter had constantly teased him about it because he had Foreigner and Chicago on his playlist while Ash had argued those were classics.
"I have a favorite Nirvana song, but it's sad. Can I still play it? It reminds me of you and me."
"Of course."
He quietly counted to four, then started playing and began singing only seconds later.
Eiji didn't recognize it. He wasn't that much into rock music. Or grunge, as Ash had called it. Eiji had no clue about the difference since he usually listened to pop music and more emotional and cheerful songs.
By now, he recognized some songs because Ash had bought him a Nirvana CD, telling him to listen to some real music. He was seriously shocked that he had never heard of Nirvana before coming to New York.
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light.
The day is done
But I'm having fun
His voice got more powerful as he continued playing the guitar, totally focused at the beginning, concentrating entirely on both of his hands and the guitar while continuing to sing.
Meanwhile, even Eiji had finally recognized the song, and he loved listening to Ash's voice. It wasn't easy to describe. Eiji had always assumed that Ash's voice would sound similar to Kurt Cobain's when singing one of his songs. Ash's voice often carried much sadness, just like the lead singer's voice of Nirvana.
And he had been right. Like Kurt Cobain's voice, Ash's was a bit raspy, like sandpaper yet, at the same time, smooth and emotional. It was distinct at times, but Eiji felt his raw emotions in his tone, and it gave him goosebumps. His voice was rough at the edges and gave off a careless vibe now and then. However, it fit the song's mood perfectly.
My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover
"I was right, after all."
Eiji watched Ash in his oversized sweater, the one with the red and black stripes, similar to the one Kurt Cobain was wearing in one of the posters he had seen. When he sat across from him on the bed, playing the guitar, his whole posture was relaxed, and a faint smile danced on his lips. When his head was lowered slightly, and his gaze was focused on his guitar, some blonde strands fell across his face. He looked so carefree that Eiji could have watched him forever. That was the little boy he wanted to protect…
"Right about what?" Ash's question had pulled him out of his thoughts. "And why do you keep looking at me like that?"
"I love watching how you play the guitar. You look so happy and relaxed. And I was right that you look like the lead singer of Nirvana in that sweater and with a guitar. His voice and his eyes always reminded me of you."
"Why?"
"Kurt Cobain's blue eyes and also his voice carry much sadness and pain, just like yours. And he never smiles unless he's playing the guitar, and even then, it's barely visible. You had the same smile when you played the guitar just now. Even if you smile, there are tears and pain hidden behind that smile. And you played the guitar with your left hand just like him, although you're both right-handed."
"Since when do you know so much about Kurt Cobain? You didn't even know the band Nirvana before you came to New York," Ash complained to him, his embarrassment visible in the way his cheeks glowed in a faint pink. He stubbornly looked away from him.
"It's my comfort music."
"Huh? Why? You usually listen to more cheerful music."
"True. It's just that his voice reminds me so much of you. And the CD was a present from you, so I listened to it a lot. His music gave me the courage to wait for you, to believe that you'd return to me. Because you promised me. So, while I waited for you, I usually listened to the CD, and it comforted me. Listening to it, I felt closer to you and was less worried about you. Is that weird?"
"No, it's not," Ash replied honestly. After a moment, a devilish smirk appeared on his face. "It was weirder when I found you sleeping in one of my oversized hoodies. You were drowning in them, and it looked so ridiculous."
Eiji pouted and looked away from him. Ash put the guitar away and lay down beside him.
"Thank you, Eiji. I can only get through each day because I know you'll wait for me."
"You told me this song is your favorite song. Why? The lyrics? Because you don't fit in as well? You pretend as well, wearing a mask and hiding your true self?"
Ash nodded while his eyes darkened as if a storm was raging in them.
"I'm part of this world, but I'm not like the people here. I'm different, not really one of them. I was forced into this world and had no choice but to adapt, to cover up my emotions and my personality to survive. So, I can relate to the mood of the song and the sad vibes it gives off.
"Even so, you don't take drugs to feel dumb and happy for a while."
"You're wrong. I'm also addicted to something that brings me happiness. That's why I said that this song reminds me of you and me."
Eiji's eyes darkened when Ash said that. Eiji knew with certainty that Ash never took drugs or drank heavy amounts of alcohol. He'd be defenseless in such a state, and his opponents would take such an opportunity to kill him. So, what did he mean by that? Could it be…
"Eiji, sometimes you're pretty clueless, you know? You're my drug, ok? You bring me happiness and make me feel dumb. Your warmth and your kindness make me feel complete, and your compassion and comfort heal me. Still, when I'm with you, I also feel dumb because my smart mind often flatlines and entirely stops working when I'm around you. Like in the song - dumb and happy.
"That's called love, Ash."
Ash's eyes widened in surprise, and he got all quiet, processing Eiji's words in his brilliant mind.
"So, love makes you dumb?"
"Sometimes, yes. And always happy."
Feelings like love were new to him, so Ash always got that cute frown between his eyebrows when Eiji taught him something new, usually related to emotions or social cues. Realizing that what he was feeling was love had shocked Ash. He still thought of himself as an emotionless killing machine and had convinced himself that he didn't deserve love.
That's why he loved Ash's suggestion of playing the guitar for him. It taught Ash that he could create something beautiful with his hands. That's probably why Shorter had taught it to him as well. Only Ash hadn't realized that at the time.
That had also been the reason why Eiji had confessed his feelings to him the day before he had been shot. He hadn't expected Ash to return his feelings to him immediately. He had just wanted to be honest with Ash. Because they lived in a dangerous world and never knew if they even survived the following day.
So, Eiji had decided to tell him before it would be too late. In case something happened to one of them, knowing he'd regret not admitting his true feelings forever.
He had seen the surprise and the flickering of fear in his eyes before his head had dropped onto his shoulder. He had trembled slightly, but Eiji had assured him that it was okay if he needed some time to think about it and figure out his own feelings.
Eiji knew that Ash required more time because he didn't realize that the warm feeling that both had noticed was love. And even if he did, he was convinced he didn't deserve love. Or someone like him.
However, Eiji saw how Ash slowly started to accept Eiji's feelings for him and believed him because he saw the truth reflected on his face. He had seen in Ash's eyes that he had already noticed that he loved him, too. He was just too afraid to admit it. His heart had been deceived and shattered too many times, so it was a way to protect himself. Even if he knew Eiji would never hurt him.
So now that he had explained to Ash that what he was feeling was love, he saw raw panic flash in his eyes mixed in with a trace of fear and confusion. Eiji took his hand into his and turned around to him on his uninjured side, then caressed his cheek, wiping the lonely tear away that had escaped from his left eye.
"It's fine, Ash, calm down. We're soulmates. Two lost souls who complete each other."
"I don't deserve someone like you. Someone as selfless and pure. And you deserve someone better than me…" It sounded hollow, like an automatic response, like a robot. It was Ash's way to keep him safe, to create distance between them. To protect him. Or maybe to protect himself, too…
"Ash, you deserve love, too. You're a lost angel shrouded in darkness, looking for a way towards the light. Your presence, willpower and kindness illuminate the darkness around you. Only in the darkness can you see the stars. You are such a star for many people around you—a glimmer of hope on the horizon. You're doing the best you can in your cruel world. Despite your horrible experiences, you've never lost your humanity and always protect the people you love. That makes you an incredible person.
But, think about it. If you protect all the people around you, who will protect you? If you are a shining star and a ray of hope for others, who gives you hope? That's why I'm here."
For a moment, Ash stared at him, his mouth dropping open, speechless for once. Eiji was sure that Ash had never even considered his own well-being. Not once since Eiji had arrived here in New York. Ash was so focused on protecting people around him that he never considered his own physical or emotional health. Eiji would change that.
"Thank you. You are my light, my star in the darkness. That's why I can't lose you. Without you, the darkness returns and will swallow me alive."
"I feel the same way and don't want to lose you, either, Ash. That's why I confessed my feelings to you. In case something bad happens, I just wanted you to know. So, no matter how you answer, I'm glad that I did. I'll stay by your side. I promised you forever, after all."
Some doubts were still lingering behind Ash's eyes, but they had lit up again.
"Even if I don't know what answer to give you? Even if I need a long time to reply?" Eiji nodded. His eyes had already returned his feelings to Eiji. A reply with words wasn't necessary. He didn't want to pressure Ash and give him the time he needed. Ash's eyes looked so sad, and he was so quiet that Eiji decided to change the topic to cheer him up.
"Do you know another song you could play?"
Suddenly, Ash's eyes lit up, sparkling in emerald green as if a great idea had just occurred to him. He smiled softly at him, then lifted himself off the bed to pick up the guitar again.
"I think you'll like it. It's a pretty cheesy love song.", he replied, a faint blush spreading across his face. He sat across from him on the bed and started playing.
Eiji was rendered speechless when he began singing. His voice had changed entirely in comparison to the song before. It was silvery and brighter now, sweeter and a bit angelic with a hint of romance when he started singing.
Eiji had to admit that he had zoned out for a moment, too stunned that his voice sounded so soft and hopeful now as if he'd poured all of his emotions, his hopes and love, his entire heart and soul into this song.
Ash wore the softest look in his eyes, and his eyes were shining like emeralds while a small smile played around his lips. He'd never seen Ash so genuinely happy. Eiji would do anything to see that carefree posture and facial expression more often. When he woke up from his daze, Ash had already reached the middle of the song.
In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled too far
To change this lonely life
I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I Know you can show me
Let's talk about love
Eiji smiled softly at him, overjoyed because he recognized the message behind it. This song was Ash's answer, his way to confess his feelings to him, too. His declaration of love.
To say, 'I love you, too.'
Eiji swore to himself to protect that soft smile and the love sparkling in his eyes at all costs. Forever.
After Ash had finished singing and carefully leaned the guitar on a wall, he lay down next to him again, smiling softly. "So, how did you like my answer?"
As an answer, Eiji put his arms around him and pulled him closer. He carefully watched Ash's face and did it so slowly that Ash had the option to pull back.
Surprise flashed in Ash's eyes, but then they softened as he leaned into their first kiss. Their second first kiss would change both of their lives forever.
This moment reminded Eiji of a quote he had read in one of Ash's books once.
The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before reaching the lips.