Today on Quibbler News Network … Bulgaria/Turkey war - everyone wins! … Minister Johnstone's hair … And viewers' reports from around the world.
But first, one of magical Britain's best known animal lovers and interior decorators has died, taken from us at the age of 75 when she passed at her seaside home of the last twenty two years. She had a varied career at the Ministry and as an educator, and was also known as a snappy dresser. Dolores Umbridge is unlikely to be missed by anybody.
The Sultan in Constantinople and the Bulgarian Ministry have agreed a truce in their most recent dispute, and both declared victory. The kerfuffle started when Bulgarian residents of Constantinople defended themselves against a rioting mob of Sufi Extremists. Approximately 250 people died in the conflict, but we at the Quibbler are sure that their families will be delighted to have been on the winning side and won't have been at all radicalised by the killing of their loved ones.
And now some words from our sponsors. LondonsWhereMyHeartIs Ltd regret that they did not make it clear enough in their recent promotion that the 10% of profits to be donated to help poor children in Hogsmeade was only after depreciation, deductions, interesting payments, other deductions, and accountancy and management fees. They apologise if you misunderstood.
Twilfitt and Tattings are pleased to announce their new deluxe autumn collection. The first customer to buy our new gloves, a businessman from Hogsmeade, told us that the enchantments woven into the fine acromantula silk helped soothe the ache in his fingers after a hard day counting all his money.
Welcome back to Quibbler News Network!
Minister Johnstone's hair may not be hair at all! According to the Quibbler Amateur Herbology Club it is in fact a magical fungus, Ophiocordyceps unilateralis magorum. The fungus is spread through intimate contact and settles in the brain where it alters behaviour to its own benefit. We urge the Minister's lady friends and their many children to report to Saint Mungo's for testing. Approached for comment on whether the Wizengamot would remove the Minister from office, Councillor Fustian from Lincolnshire told us that the Minister's performance was better than his predecessor as he "spent more time chasing skirt than screwing up his job".
And finally, a man in Ottery St Catchpole was recently apprehended by the Magical Law Patrol for dealing in illicit potions. As they closed in the suspect tried to hide his stash by force feeding it to his pet rabbit, and he would have got away with it if the rabbit hadn't turned purple and floated around the farm singing loudly about gnomes. The rabbit has recovered from its ordeal and the DMLE are appealing for someone to step forward and offer a new home to Drugs Bunny.
AN: the apology was inspired by an episode of The Allusionist podcast about saying sorry and "fauxpologies". The non-magical Ophiocordyceps unilateralis has a fascinating lifecycle.