Zane closed his eyes and turned his face towards the light of the sinking sun. The rays felt warm on his skin; it was a sensation he had not experienced for a very long time. He could feel Pixal's shoulder leaning against his; she sat beside him and had taken one of his hands between hers, gently caressing his fingers with her thumb. He had been longing for this moment so much, it should have filled him with nothing but warmth and happiness.
But the Long Winter was still inside him. His initial joy at Pixal jumping into his arms when he stepped out of the portal had given way to apprehension. A light breeze, one that he would hardly have felt under normal circumstances, made him shiver. Pixal cast him a surprised glance.
"You're cold," she remarked.
He let out a little sigh. "It was a harsh winter. The frost must have affected my systems a bit," he admitted.
She hummed, giving him another, slightly concerned glance, and leaned closer into him. It was highly unusual that cold temperatures affected him in a way that made him physically uncomfortable.
She must know that something was wrong.
Her fingers still stroked his hand, tracing the countless little dents and scratches. They spoke of a long time of neglect. It was impossible that a few weeks could have left such marks on his skin.
She must know that something was terribly wrong.
He could hear her taking a deep breath and fully expected her to ask those dreaded questions, but she only exhaled slowly, as if to calm herself, and didn't speak. He shyly rested his head against hers. How long could he make this moment last, feeling her soft silvery hair on his cheek and the warmth of her body by his side? How long would it take until the other ninja had refreshed themselves and would gather inside to give an account of their adventures as Sensei Wu had suggested? Ten minutes perhaps, fifteen at most.
And then, they would tell her everything.
At first, they all talked at the same time. Of berries that were stronger than leaves, an ice dragon, humans who could turn into animals at will, the best methods of ice fishing, the return of Kai's powers, an army of samurai, a yeti without family.
Then, Sensei Wu raised a hand. "Silence, please. Lloyd, would you mind starting at the beginning so that Pixal and I are able to follow?"
Lloyd cleared his throat. "At the beginning … well, I guess for us that means when the Bounty crashed in the snow of the Never-Realm, far away from every settlement, and we started to make our way down the mountain to find shelter. For Zane, it must have begun years earlier."
While Lloyd gave an account of what the ninja had found out about Zane's fate, Zane could feel the Sensei's glance on him, but he avoided eye contact; in fact, he avoided eye contact with everyone. Pixal sat at his side, motionless, a perfect example of self-control; Zane didn't quite know if this made it easier or harder for him. Sensei Wu asked several questions, intrigued by the fact that Aspheera's curse had not only banished Zane to the Never-Realm, but also thrown him years back into the past. It was a revelation the Sensei had not expected.
Lloyd nodded. "And then," he continued, "Zane connected himself to the mech to run a diagnostic procedure that made his own system very vulnerable. Vex pulled out the cable before the process was completed, which somehow wiped out Zane's memories entirely." He looked at Zane for confirmation.
"Yes," Zane said quietly. "Disconnecting the data cable during the diagnostic caused a forced shutdown and reboot of my system, and it shut off access to everything stored in my memory cache at that time."
Pixal inhaled audibly, but did not stir. Lloyd proceeded with how Vex had taken advantage of the situation and tricked Zane into believing that he was the Emperor of the realm and had to follow Vex' advice for his own safety.
While everybody had their eyes on Lloyd, Zane quietly got up and made his way to the door before they would go into details about the Ice Emperor's deeds. He felt Pixal's gaze as he left the room and knew she was torn between following him and staying to listen, but he quickly closed the door behind him. Thankfully, she remained with the others. The last thing he would have wanted was to be forced to confess to her himself what he had done: describe the harm he had brought over the innocent inhabitants of the Never-Realm, admit that he had fought with and almost killed Lloyd. He didn't know how he should ever be able to look into her eyes again.
"Zane?" The Sensei's voice rang over the courtyard. He had found him, there was no point in hiding in the shadow. Zane got up with a sigh.
"I am so sorry," were the first words the Sensei said.
Zane looked at him in surprise. It sounded like an apology, but why should the Sensei apologize? Zane was the one who had committed crime after crime for years, for decades perhaps. He would never have thought of laying the blame for his banishment on the Sensei, but the conversation that ensued made it clear how much his Sensei felt responsible for everything that had happened to the ninja who had taken Aspheera's blow to protect him.
"None of this was your fault, Zane," he repeated, letting his hand rest heavily on Zane's shoulder. "Your situation made you an easy victim for the villainous formling, and our father always warned us of the dangers of this scroll. I am glad you destroyed it in the end. Bad things happened, but you made amends."
Zane dropped his gaze. "Thank you for your words," he said. The Sensei was a human, as were the other ninja; they all made mistakes, and somehow they could accept Zane's blind confidence in a stranger as a weakness no worse than any other. None of them really understood how he felt about the consequences of this misguided confidence. None except…
"Come inside," the Sensei gently interrupted his thoughts. "Pixal is waiting for you."
She held his hand in hers again, but this time it was not just a sign of affection. They were sitting at the table in his room, and under the light of a little work lamp, she carefully checked the joints of his fingers, one after the other.
"This one needs a little oil, and I'll have to adjust something at the base of your index finger," she muttered, frowning with concentration.
He winced slightly when her tool pricked a sensitive spot, and she immediately loosened her grip and stroked his hand. "I'm sorry. The last thing I want is to hurt you. But your fingers have become so stiff during the time when they were practically frozen that I fear the longer we leave them like that, the more painful it will get."
He nodded. "Please, go ahead. This hand feels already better."
He was indefinitely grateful for the way she handled the situation. She didn't press him to speak. There were small, visible injuries she could fix with her tools, and she didn't hesitate to do so immediately. There were others, she knew it as well as him, which would take much longer to heal. She skillfully dealt with his hands, calm and focused, and rolled up his sleeves to proceed with his arms. He closed his eyes. He felt the touch of her fingers soothing a pain that he had not even fully realized until now; he had gotten so used to the numbness in his limbs that he had not been aware how much his body really hurt. A thorough check-up would be necessary in the next few days, but he felt already better than on his return.
"Did this help a little?" she asked eventually.
He stretched his hands out and flexed his fingers several times. "Oh yes, very much," he said with a thankful smile, but he still avoided her gaze.
She let out an almost inaudible sigh and got up to stand behind him. It had become dark outside, and the windowpane in front of him showed her reflection like a dim mirror. He felt her hands on his shoulders, her thumbs rubbing circles on his shoulder blades and the nape of his neck. Her fingers moved up along the sides of his neck, traced his jawline towards his chin and back, and eventually started to massage his temples while her thumbs rested on the back of his head. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"You're ok with this?"
"Yes. Thanks, Pixal."
"I can feel how tense you are. I don't know yet what I can do about it, but it probably helps if you are able to physically rest tonight."
She stroked his cheek and he heard a rustle when she bent over him. He felt her lips brushing his brow and gently kissing his forehead.
"It's no wonder you're in this state. For way too long, you wore heavy armor and a helmet that didn't fit you."
He opened his eyes with a start only to see the reflection of his face in the window. A reflection ...
A magical shard of ice. The reflection of a heavy mask, covering his whole face except for the eyes. Another pair of eyes, glowing brightly. Whose eyes were they? Was that Vex again? Vex, who would suggest to send out the Blizzard Samurai? Who would again ask for blanket permission to let them do everything they deemed necessary to keep the empire safe? They would terrorize the villagers again, perhaps worse. They had killed Krag's family, and Zane had given his permission without actually knowing what they were going to do ...
He groaned and turned around, his eyes wide with panic, and Pixal looked at him with a worried expression.
"Sorry," she whispered, trying to calm him down by gently stroking his shoulders again. "I didn't mean to ..." She paused, growing more and more concerned as she sensed his internal turmoil.
He glanced down and felt his internal temperature dropping, the cold spreading upwards from the area of his stomach, almost choking him. Pixal placed one hand under his chin and softly tilted his head up until his eyes met hers.
"Zane." Her voice was pleading. "Please, look at me. You're back in Ninjago. You're back among your friends."
He held her gaze for a second or two, then he began to tremble. He vaguely felt that crying would have been the most natural reaction at this moment, but instead there was only the cold spreading throughout his body, making it hard to breathe, hard to move, hard to think. Pixal reacted quickly, helped him up from his chair and made him lie down on the bed. Rime began to form on his lips and in his hair as he started shaking uncontrollably, and she wrapped her arms around him, trying to help him contain a reaction she had not anticipated. The rime began to cover the sheets around him. He rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow and grabbing the comforter with both hands in a desperate attempt to hold onto something while his body was shaking. Pixal pulled him closer towards her and tried to fight the cold by overheating her own system and making her body radiate warmth, but it took several long minutes until it eventually had a noticeable effect on him. When his trembling had subsided a little, she let go of him to briefly scan his body.
"This is not good," she muttered. "I can probably help you recalibrate your internal temperature sensors, but there is more to this. Your element got out of control, and I cannot do anything about that."
She hugged him again, silently waiting for him to recover. He felt his temperature gradually going back to normal and eventually turned around towards her.
"I'm sorry," was the only thing he could think of saying. He still couldn't look at her face.
"No, I am sorry," she replied quietly. She bit her lip. "I didn't realize how badly these memories are affecting you."
There was a long silence, and he slowly, very slowly relaxed in her arms.
"I think there are several components of your system in need of recalibration," she said eventually. "I can do the temperature sensor for you, if you like. That should at least reduce reactions like the one you just had. But ..." She paused, searching for words while she gently ran her hand through his hair. "You should use the night to rest long enough for a thorough system scan and update. We can only hope that this will help stabilizing your emotional circuits. I suppose that the process will take more time, though."
He only nodded. The fit had left him feeling exhausted, completely drained. Once he had recovered a little, he would try to follow her advice.
Running component check ... 20% ... 80% ... complete. Choose next component to update ... commencing scan ...
Checking the function of various minor peripheral components was the easy part. He had already done so during the past few nights in Sorla's village, it could be accomplished while he was in a light resting mode. But he knew that he was only putting off the inevitable, because Pixal was right: there were major updates he had to install and plenty of damaged files he had to purge, and this would force him to tackle a full system scan and reboot.
She had made him comfortable in his bed and sat with him for a long time until she felt that he had calmed down sufficiently for the night. Then she squeezed his hand one more time and left him with a kiss on the forehead. "Rest well!"
Zane knew what to do, he had done it regularly since he had known that he was a nindroid and even more often after he had recreated himself as the Titanium Ninja. He would go to bed, and as soon as he felt sufficiently sleepy, he would run the background program over night and automatically start up the next morning, relaxed and refreshed. Commencing system diagnostic ...
No.
He sat up with a start, suddenly feeling the chill in his chest again.
Vex. The cable.
It took him a few minutes to fight back another panic attack. Then he realized that this wouldn't work. Not alone, not in a dark room. He had been able to relax and close his eyes next to Sorla's fire while he listened to the regular breathing of his ninja brothers and sister, but it would be impossible to enter sleep mode now, let alone initiate a reboot.
It had been dark and he had been alone when Vex had made his biggest fear come true. Vex had robbed him of his humanity, had taken his memories and identity, made him forget everything he valued, and reduced him to a cruel, robotic puppet. He had reprogrammed him in the worst possible way, and Zane had let himself being manipulated without even fighting back.
Pixal was the only one who could fully understand what Vex' actions had done to him. Yet he wondered if the same would ever have happened to her. The robotic side of her nature was a strength, not a weakness. She used it to keep her emotions in check when necessary, she stayed calm, she didn't get scared. She would never have let anyone take advantage of her like that.
Zane sighed and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, knowing that he would be unable to rest this night. He listened attentively, because he thought he could still hear Pixal moving around in her room. For a brief moment, he contemplated knocking at her door. Then he decided against it. He was ashamed to tell her that after years of being a robot, the one human feeling that overwhelmed him now was an irrational fear of being alone in the dark. Sighing, he went to the library instead to while away the remaining hours until the morning reading.