A/N: Quick one-shot set straight after 13x03 because that episode had me screaming. (Between dropping Vinder off and the angel appearing).
This fic is thasmin in my mind, but is easily straight if you're not a fan so don't worry! :)
"Is Vinder going to be okay?" Yaz asked, before adding knowingly, "that is his home planet."
The Doctor lowered her head, she knew what Yaz was getting at, she knew she was worried, but 13 also knew she wouldn't understand. She didn't want her too.
"I'm sure he'll be fine," she said, eventually after silence had formed.
"Yeah," Yaz said, to try ease the tension flooding the room.
"Am I missing sommet?" Dan said, breaking the sudden silence.
"What do you mean?" the Doctor said, rather bluntly.
"Well, there's clearly sommet goin' on w' you two," he answered.
The Doctor shook her head, frustrated. She hid her face by going to the console.
"Yeah, actually," Yaz agreed, passive aggressively, "I'd like to know too."
"What?" the Doctor said, turning suddenly to face her incredulously.
"Like I said before, you're hiding something," she said, "we could've died today, all of us, and you're still not talking to me."
"You don't understand," 13 reiterated.
"No," Yaz snapped, "I don't! Because you keep everything to your bloody self."
She didn't mean to raise her voice, but if Yasmin Kahn was going to snap, she was going to snap.
"Language," the Doctor said.
"No!" Yaz said, angrier this time, "you can't keep ignoring this, every step of the way I have been with you! I have put up with making me feel like nothing, snapping at me, making me feel like an idiot!"
"I know you're not okay, and I've been waiting for you to open up when you're ready, but you're never going to, are you? Because you'd rather be alone!"
Yaz stopped, and moments passed. She realised how harsh she was being, she saw the Doctor, emotions unknown- as per usual- and she saw Dan looking really confused and uncomfortable. And that was because she was shouting at the Doctor whilst the universe ended. How pathetic.
She couldn't help itthough, you don't understand anything. The words replayed in Yaz's mind like a whip striking on her back, over and over again. How unfair to keep her in the dark, to make her feel like nothing.
They were supposed to be friends, weren't they? All their adventures together, was it all a lie? Was the Doctor just keeping Yaz around for nothing?
It was not fair.
Yaz waited ten months for her, she'd been to her home planet and had watched her fall apart over and over again. She watched- and continued to watch- as she broke, yet 13 still didn't want her.
She couldn't keep doing this.
Sighing, Yaz said; "I'm sorry, I just can't keep doing this. I need you to sit down and tell me what's going on.. otherwise, I can't keep on doing this."
13 looked up at her, eyes searching between Yaz and Dan- who still, stood awkwardly by the door. "What does that mean then?"
"It means I lo-," Yaz began, stopping herself, "I care about you, Doctor, and I can't keep watching you suffer, not with you getting mad at me for you not letting me in. I-, I need more."
"Or?" the Doctor said, folding her arms.
Yaz did the same, "or it means that this- our time together- meant nothing to you, and- I might as well go home."
The two avoided each other's gaze, shifting weight on each foot and looking everywhere but each other.
"Hang on, hang on," Dan said, coming to stand between them, "what is this supposed to be?"
He looked between them, as though digging for some kind of acknowledgment; "I may not have known you two long, but I can tell you've got history. So don't throw that away."
"I know from experience, that pushing people away doesn't work. So please, talk to each other. This time together is precious, and fleeting quite frankly."
"Just sit down- right now- before the next crisis- 'cos we all know it's coming. You're gonna be living w' regret if you don't get this off of your chests now. 'Cos I know what that's like too, and regret is not worth a little easiness now."
He looked expectantly between the pair, watching intently as they simultaneously turned their heads to face each other, until their eyes met. A sad smile crossed the Doctor's face and her arms dropped in resignation. Yaz followed.
"Okay," the Doctor said, sitting on the steps that the Doctor now deemed as her contemplation steps, after all it's where she found herself contemplating most of her issues. she patted the step and Yaz joined her.
"I'll go.. somewhere," Dan said, desperately trying to find somewhere to go to give the pair some privacy.
"If you go down the hall," the Doctor provided, "there's a few rooms to explore."
"Ah," Dan said, awkwardly.
"Thanks," he added, shuffling- still awkward- out of the room.
The pair chuckled at Dan, and found themselves ceasing immediately once they realised.
Both Yaz and 13 remained quiet for a while, as though waiting for the other to speak.
"I'm sorry," the Doctor said eventually, "I didn't mean to make you feel like bad about yourself."
Yaz shrugged, "it's okay, I'm used to feeling bad about myself."
"What does that mean?" the Doctor asked.
Yaz sighed; "my mental health's not been great over the years, I suppose that's why I liked the idea of you so much. Seeing the universe.. it gave me purpose."
"And now?" The Doctor asked, noticing her use of past tense, and ignoring how this newfound side of Yaz was unnerving due to it's unfamiliarity.
"It still does," she assured, "but I think that neither of us can deny that things have changed. You've not been the same since you went to prison, and of course you wouldn't be, I understand that. But that's all I understand because you push me away, and it hurts because it feels like I'm burdening you."
"I'm sorry," 13 said.. again, "I suppose I get so used to being on my own.. that my friends change so often. I suppose I've started started to believe there's no point in them getting to know me."
"I get it, it's easier to keep me at arms length then get close again," Yaz said, "I know this won't last for ever, I know it can't. But, there's more to it then that, I can tell, you're obsessive; first Karvanista, then just now on Time, it's like.. you're looking for something."
The Doctor sighed deeply, "yeah. Fine. I am looking for something. My memories, you remember Ruth? Me? I still don't remember when I was her, I still don't have the answers-"
"But why does it matter so much?" Yaz said, exasperated, "those memories won't change who you are now."
"Wouldn't it bother you?" the Doctor said, exasperated too.
"Of course, but-" Yaz started, "you were ready to die for answers just then?"
"Does life mean nothing to you you anymore? This time with me- and your TARDIS- right here, right now, does that mean nothing to you?"
"Of course it does," she answered, but i'm over two thousand years old, the thing that kept me going all this time was because I had to make sure no other planet ended up like mine, like Gallifrey. But how can that keep me going when my planet, my supposed home, my supposed mother, it was all a lie?"
13 stood up, and began to pace, as though considering her words carefully; "Azure and Swarm, they know me, from the past, they have something to do with the Flux, I do too apparently, and what am I supposed to do? I can't fight back because I know nothing about them or who I was when I knew them before."
"It will be okay," Yaz assured, getting up to join her.
"How can you say that? You don't know that we can stop this."
"I do, Doctor," Yaz assured, a fond smile on her face.
The Doctor frowned, unconvinced.
"I know because if you're as old as you say you- even older apparently- then you've go enough knowledge and time to beat anything."
"But I don't have time or knowledge," the Doctor said, solemnly, "time's running out and I still can't remember."
Yaz cupped the Doctor's face in her hands and titled her face towards her own until they were eye to eye.
The Doctor looked unsure, her social awkwardness making her uneasy. But Yaz just smiled, genuinely happy for the first time in a while, she'd started to think they'd never address any of this but they finally did; "Doctor, if you can talk to me about your feelings, you can do anything."
The Doctor snorted, and the tension in her shoulders loosened- not that the Time Lord had even realised there had been tension there up until that moment.
Yaz saw her relax, and knew that it was safe to hug her, their first proper hug since Ryan and Graham had left.
Hugging shouldn't have been a big thing, but this just wasn't something the Doctor tended to do. (The Thirteenth Doctor anyway.) Regardless, the pair embraced tightly, as though they did this on a regular basis.
They held on for a long time.
Yaz thought she felt the Doctor tighten when she tried to pull away, but she didn't say anything, merely copied her lead, until they couldn't hug any tighter.
Yaz thought it felt nice to hug the Doctor, it was such a foreign thing yet it felt so right and regular, as if the pair had always understood each other.
As if any wrong could be fixed.
Well.
At least until the cloister bell started ringing...