Set after 2x07, the one where Ressler and Liz end up stuck in the fake hospital. Ressler is drugged just after coming clean and Liz has issues with Tom. They seek comfort in each other.
Liz sighed as she stepped off of the elevator at the Post Office late that night and parted ways with Samar, entering the office she shared with Ressler.
It had been an exhausting day. And she was in over her head with Tom. She was done, she needed to think about something other then the fact that he had lied to her, manipulated her, and definitely didn't love her. What she needed was to find someone who could show her that good men still existed, she was rapidly losing hope in the whole sex. But what she needed first was a crap load of alcohol. But Liz hated drinking alone. She stuck her head out of her office door, searching for Samar and caught a glimpse of her feet just before the elevator closed. Crap, she's out.
The Post Office was pitch black, it seemed everyone had gone hone for the night. Then she heard footsteps coming up the hallway behind the war room. For a second she was scared enough to put a hand on the butt off the gun she still wore, but then she recognized the long, easy gait of her partner. Sure enough he rounded the corner, still fumbling to put his watch on after his shower. His hair was wet and combed, but not styled because it was late at night and he was just going home.
Well actually, he was avoiding going home, he had been ever since Audrey died. He pretty much was only ever there to sleep. Which is what he was doing now, but he was still on a drug-induced high and was not at all tired. For lack of better things to do and to stall his going home process, he had taken a very long shower in the men's room.
Liz eyed him from across the room. He had stopped after rounding the corner, exclaiming, and rearranging the suit jacket and tie he held to fasten the clasp on his watch. He wasn't aware that she was observing him so she studied him.
He was wearing the same suit pants and shirt that he had worn that day, not finding it worth it to put on a whole new outfit just to go home and take it all off again. But Liz wasn't really complaining. Ressler's suits were tailored to his body, and they had a way of leaving little for the imagination, while still leaving a lot to the imagination.
Donald Ressler was a federal agent. He was, in the public eye, representing the country as a whole more often than not. And he dressed for the part. He was a good looking guy and he knew it. While he never really acted on it, it didn't hurt to exploit it when it was to his benefit. Such as getting people - especially women - to talk. A tailored suit was the first step. He had his suits made to fit his body - quite well, Liz might add. His suit jacket emphasized his broad shoulders and hugged the sides of his barrel chest, hinting at the strength trapped in the muscles of his torso, before falling loosely to his hips, making the viewer intrigued as to what hid beneath.
Currently thrown over his arm, the jacket was out of the way. That left him in his button down top, unbuttoned at the neck and tucked firmly into his also tailored suit pants. He wore no undershirt, and Liz could clearly see the outline of his chest beneath his shirt. His pecs and hardened nipples, still stimulated by the shower, and the bulging muscles of his arms and shoulders. They weren't prominent, subtle actually, but enough to be obvious and enough to make Liz wish she could remove his shirt and see for herself.
She remembered earlier that day in the hospital, when she had roused him from his drugged sleep and he had very slowly clothed himself, still fighting the effects of the sedative. She had come back into the room to find him still half naked struggling with his undershirt. She hadn't seen his chest, but she recalled clearly in her mind his back. The rounded curl of muscles she didn't know existed on his shoulder blades, the columns of muscle running down both sides of his spine, and the dimples just above his belt. Dimples were hard to achieve, they fell in places where muscles were missing and were emphasized by muscles surrounding. In other words, the more they stood out, the bigger the muscles that ran next to it. In his lower back, that meant they were right where his back muscles and the muscles of his butt and thighs met. She couldn't imagine the potential that they held when it came to moving his hips. Get your head out of the gutter, Liz told herself.
His suit pants were the same story. They were tight, tight enough that he had busted the seams on one or two by now she imagined. Yet they were loose enough to not be considered revealing. They hugged his butt, and the long, curved outline of the muscles in his thighs. Those lines told of immense strength, and Liz knew that too be true. She had seen him run and jump, how easily he carried his own weight. Just for a second she wondered at what that strength would feel like stretched over her body.
Ressler got his watch secured and resumed his path to his desk, oblivious to her objectifying gaze.
Maybe he would get a drink with her, she was sure he needed relief as much her. She knew that losing Audrey had been tough on him, much tougher than he let anyone see. She didn't know, but if she has to guess, she would say that was what had actually caused his drug addiction in the first place. Not his leg getting shot apart, but his heart being ripped from his chest. She thought that because she could understand. He had tried so hard, but he couldn't fight it, he wasn't strong enough.
Then Sitka had happened and forced by the circumstances he had come clean. He had told her that very morning, when she asked, that Sitka was the last time he used and she believed him. Donald Ressler was a lot of things, but a liar wasn't one of them. However, he had also rubbed his neck, which had told Liz then already that maybe he wasn't as fine as he let on.
And now he had been forced back into it, through no choice of his own. That was bound to take it's toll again. Sure he looked fine as he walked towards her, and she ducked back into the room so he wouldn't know she'd been watching, but she had heard the pain in his voice only a few hours earlier. "The Irony is... that with all the drugs they pumped into me this is the best I've felt all week." Well that feeling was gonna end when withdrawal set in and she was sure he wished he wouldn't have to go alone. It was Friday, they had a weekend ahead of them, so many hours alone for both of them. Maybe they could be alone together.
"Hey Liz, what are you doing here this late?" his deep voice broke her chain of though. He had entered their office now.
"Trying to avoid going home?" she said. Damn, if she only knew, he thought.
Instead he put on a brave face and chuckled, "me too" he admitted. He didn't know what it was, but ever since Sitka he had found it easier to be vulnerable around Liz. He didn't like to be vulnerable, had never let himself be vulnerable around anyone but Audrey, but this whole day had already been that way.
"I need a drink, badly" said Liz and he gave her his full attention. "But I also need to not be alone. I know that you need something too, will you come with me?"
He didn't know what to say to that. She wasn't wrong, he needed something too, anything, he just needed something to be real, but he couldn't drink. Not when there was already so many drugs in his system.
"I can't Liz" She started to look disappointed so he quickly expanded. "I already have too many unidentified drugs running through my bloodstream. I can't mix the two."
He's right, she realized, I can't ask him to do that.
At the same time, he didn't want to risk sending her away. Even conversation all night would be better than being alone.
"But I do want something Liz. I need something." Keeping up the theme, he let his vulnerability show through again. "Just for once, for a night, before the realities of the morning come crashing back down and destroy me." He didn't really even know what he was asking of her. He did, but he didn't. He had never done this before and he didn't know how to do this. How does one go about asking their married partner for a night of comfort? He wasn't specifically asking for sex, he just didn't want to be alone. He just wanted someone to hold him.
Liz seen the look on his face. Was he really asking what she thought he was asking? Then again, alcohol was out and drugs were definitely not an option, so why not sex? There wasn't many ways left. She could really use the arms around her and the solid, tangible presence beside her and she suspected that was why he asked too. Maybe it would be good, just one night to lose themselves in someone who cared. To know that they weren't alone.
She didn't look down on him for asking, hinting in his own way, she could see how much he was struggling. His face was passive and wide open, she could read his every emotion like a book.
"Come home with me?" she asked, hoping she wasn't imaging it all, though she knew that wasn't the case.
He let out a huge breath and nodded, rounding the desk and reaching for her hand, wrapping it inside his own. She had thrown a drop of water at a man dying of thirst and he could no more say no then he could stop his heart from beating.
Ressler drove because he always drove, even though they were headed to her place.
They drove in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. The radio droned on with petty news and happy-clappy pop songs that held no real value. Annoyed by it and enlightened by the stark reality of what she and Ressler were doing, Liz turned it off.
They were about the drown themselves in hormones and endorphins. They both needed a reprieve and if they so happened to find it in each other, oh well. Sex was healthy for their bodies and alcohol and drugs were not.
Liz felt numbed, she didn't want to talk about it - not yet. Her mind ran a mile a minute, mostly thoughts of Tom and deceit and hopelessness. She knew that she should talk, but Ressler had problems enough of his own, and his pain was probably even more than hers. She just didn't want to be emotional, which is exactly how she knew things would end if they started talking. She liked being numb, she liked the escape it brought.
Ressler agreed. His mind was filled with visions of Audrey, pregnancy tests, little ginger children, drugs, and withdrawal. He didn't want to think about how he would likely wake up the next morning, sweaty and shaking from lack of opioids. He didn't want to tell Liz, though he knew he should, because he didn't want to break the calm between them. He had a pretty good idea of what would happen when they got to Liz's place, but he just didn't care.
He liked Liz, cared for her. To the point that she had become his grounding rock. She had been the reason he had dumped his pills down the drain, because he knew she was there to help him if he needed. She had asked him to quit, in her own way, and he did - for her.
She cared for him too, he knew. She had to or she wouldn't have helped him, in Sitka - or ever. She had sought him out tonight, not the other way around, but he had jumped on it. His plan had been to go home and try with all his resolve to stay there. He knew if he left he was likely to wind up in a bar, where the buisness-minded bartender would be more than willing to pour a few gallons down his throat. If he was home at least he wouldn't be killed on the streets when he was too far gone to see where he was going. If he was being completely honest though, he knew that it wouldn't have made much difference. No matter how much he knew he shouldn't have alcohol right now, he would have ended up drinking the beers in his fridge - he knew that. He was thankful that Liz needed distraction, because he could use it too.
Liz did need distracting. And the man beside her was distracting enough. His large frame filled the seat, his left hand on the wheel while his right lay flopped on the consule. His legs were spread comfortably, pressed against the door and the center consule. He looked so real, his chest rising with his breathing, his body moving as he turned the vehicle. Liz needed real as well. And here was a good man willing to give it, honest, kind, loyal to a fault and truly able to understand her pain. He's perfect.
Reaching out Liz lay a hand on his right knee. She felt the muscles underneath clench up like they were sinew. She was comforted by it.
They were nearing her house and that was a good thing, because Ressler was rapidly losing the control necessary to pilot a vehicle. Liz's hand had snuck slowly further up his leg and was classified invasive. It had been a long time since Ressler had had relief and his pants were becoming quite tight.
Liz knew what she was doing to him, it was more than clear as he lifted his hips in an effort to readjust himself. This brought her hand into contact with him for just a second, but he jerked and she heard his sharp intake of breath. His hand flew down and grabbed hers, pulling it off of his leg and back up to the console. He flipped it palm up and intertwined their fingers, keeping them there as he turned the last corner into her apartment's parkade. He pulled into an empty spot and killed the engine.
Her hand stayed firmly in his throughout the elevator ride and down the hall to her door, which she unlocked with the other hand. They were in a public place with video cameras and had to remember their government agent status.
Once they were inside however, he let go. She turned to him immediately and he let her take the lead. She took him by the arm and led him to her room, stepping past the light switch, but turning on the lamp on her bedside table. She stood him in the middle of her room and studied him for a moment. When she leaned up to kiss him he tilted his head to meet her halfways. Right before their lips met his eyes fell shut, the tiniest tear in the corner, and stayed that way throughout the entire kiss. She didn't say anything, she knew that it must be hard for him, and continued to deepen the kiss. He responded so she knew she wasn't forcing him and he did need this as much as her, but that didn't make it easy.
Ressler felt bad. He knew that Liz deserved more, that she deserved him to look at her and enjoy her, but he didn't have the strength just yet. The last and only person he had ever kissed was Audrey and she was the one in his mind. If he opened his eyes and seen Liz, that would gone.
A minute later he felt her hands on his chest, gently and slowly reaching for the edges of the suit jacket he had donned again before heading outdoors. She was going carefully, asking and he didn't deny her. But in order for him to return the gesture he knew he had to look. Gathering all the emotional strength he had ever accumulated, he slowly forced his eyelids apart.
Liz seen him struggle to open his eyes and she didn't try to rush him. She recognized the grief for things gone in them and knew that he thought of Audrey. His dilated pupils swam in unshed tears and she watched as he blinked them away. Ever so slowly, his hand came up and rested on her shoulder. Only when she felt him start to remove her coat did she continue.
They peeled the layers off of each other with something akin to respect. The more articles eliminated the faster it went as the urgency grew in them.
Liz stripped his belt from it's loops and was reaching for his pants button when he stopped her.
"Liz" his voice was breathless, strained. He stepped back and held her at arms length, and she met his eyes. He looked nervous suddenly, scared even.
"What is it Don?" she asked. Given what they were about to do she thought it was appropriate to call him by his given name.
"I-I-I've never-" he hesitated.
"You've never what?" Surely he wasn't a virgin. He didn't seem like the type to save himself for marriage. Liz wasn't about to deflower her male colleague.
"I've never done this before. I've never had sex with anyone but Audrey. I don't do one night stands - never have - I don't know how."
Oh well that was better then being a virgin I guess. Still Liz was shocked. He was a beautiful man, as had become more apparent the further they went, and women all but threw themselves at him. And he had only been with one woman in his entire life? Even before they met? Or when they were split up? He must really have loved her.
"It's not hard Don, it'll be okay."
"But I don't know how to just have - physical sex. I just know how to love Audrey. I-I'm not sure-"
"Hey, I'll show you" she cut him off, "and what I don't know, we'll learn. Your body will tell you what to do."
Yah, that's what I'm afraid of, thought Ressler. But he just nodded.
"Okay" he said.
"Okay?" she asked, "you can still back out if you want to. I won't think any less of you." She needed to hear him say it.
But Ressler didn't want out either. Besides their relationship was already forever changed, and he needed her now.
"No, I need you." He didn't try and hide it, she already knew the darker places of his heart. "But you should know that my leg is pretty messed up." He gestured down at where she was about to take his pants off. The scar left courtesy of Anslo Garrick had never healed beautiful and it cut a huge path down most of his left thigh.
"Oh Don, that's okay" she laughed just for a second, before pulling down the offending article of clothing. He hadn't lied. The scar was over a foot long, and twisted, almost two inches wide at the thickest point. The skin was stretched and white, standing out, but it was healed over and she knew it would likely never improve much.
That left them both in their underwear and they stepped back to toe off their shoes and pull off their socks.
Looking up they met tentatively in the middle, their mouths connecting again. Her hands wrapped around to his back and started to explore his skin as he put his hands on her waist. The kiss deepened as he pulled her into him, letting her feel how badly he needed her. His arousal was very evident, pressed into the soft skin of her belly and she snaked her hands down his back to the waistband of his boxers as he removed her bra.
When they were both naked he pushed her back and they fell onto the bed. He reached for the pocket of his pants, searching for the wallet in them and the condom it held, but was distracted by what her hands were doing to him.
"I have birth control Don, it's okay" she told him, "I need to feel you tonight".
He nodded and stretched himself over her again waiting for her to let him know it was okay.
Liz was dreaming. He was huge and she was a little apprehensive, but she was also getting impatient. Ever so gently, she reached for him and guided him where he belonged. They both groaned at the contact and he dropped his head into her neck, breathing hard as he fought for the control to be still and allow her to adjust to him. He knew he was big and he knew it had probably been a while for her and he didn't want to hurt her. When he felt her hands on his back and felt her legs come up and wrap around his hips he lifted enough to see her face. She nodded at him and he set a slow rhythm, leaning down to kiss her.
It was everything she had imagined it would be earlier that day and more. He seemed to surround her, warm and strong. His chest was flush against her and he let her take a part of his weight, even as he held himself on his forearms. He was gentle in a way she hadn't known him to possess and she clung to him. She felt one of his arms come down and sweep under her, pressing her into him and changing the angle. He let himself down a little more and she did in return and before she knew it, there seemed to be no space at all between them. She couldn't tell where she ended and he began and she loved it. As their emotions bubbled to the surface all the things they had been avoiding returned and they both began to cry silently. Suddenly, a phrase rose to Liz's mind "And he cleaved unto his wife and they two became one flesh" or something to that extent. It was from the Bible she was pretty sure, but, granted they weren't married, it couldn't describe what they were doing any better.
It was slow and gentle and lasted a lot longer than she had imagined it would. But eventually, as it always does, nature got the upper hand and Ressler's body took control, leaving them both thoroughly satisfied.
He collapsed on her, trembling as he heaved for oxygen. She knew that he was ultra sensitive right then and she hugged him closer, rejoicing in the feel of him pinning her to the mattress. He was heavy, he truly was, but she didn't mind, in fact she liked it. The feeling of helplessness it gave her and the feeling of power as she felt his thick body quiver and shake under her nails, equally as helpless.
They didn't talk then either, even when at long last he rolled off of her, bringing her with him so she was on top. They didn't talk after the second time either, or the third or the fourth, not until they were both utterly spent.
They lay spooning in the middle of the bed, not covered at all, the blankets lay at the end of the bed and they drew heat off of each other. The lamp was still on on the bedside table and they could see clearly around the room. Ressler was still inside her, softening, but he felt no desire to pull out. He felt connected to her like this and it felt good. It made him feel like he belonged somewhere again, that he had someone to hold again.
Liz didn't mind either. She liked the comfort and the heat of him around and within her. He was solid and secure around her. She felt safe and wanted in a way she never experienced before. Tom always pulled out and fell asleep right away after sex. He would never stay awake and cuddle with her the way Ressler was right now.
She knew that that was a normal response for men, to fall asleep right away, it was caused by the release of certain hormones that came with ejaculation. It wasn't entirely their fault. In Ressler's case she knew it was because he was still hyped up on whatever it was that had been pumped into his veins earlier that day and he had an unnatural amount of stamina. She wasn't complaining.
They were still now though, just lying together in the calm serenity of the room, a little cave of comfort hewn out of the busyness of life. It was a little surreal for both of them and they felt strangely connected - not just physically. It felt like they had done it a hundred times before - like they would do it a hundred times again. It felt right. What had arisen out of need - which was still there - had definitely become a pleasure.
Lying on their right sides as they were and built thick as he was, Ressler's breathing moved them slowly as his rib cage rose and fell. Liz moved with him, just the slightest amount, a tiny roll on the inhale and a tiny roll back on the exhale. His right arm was up beneath her, in the gap created between her shoulder and the pillow. His left - which had been splayed on her belly, holding her to him, just a moment ago - was now midair as she examined it.
She turned it gently in her hands, marvelling at the size difference, previously unnoticed by both. The skin on his palm was thick and callused, the skin on the back weather roughened and covered with fine copper hairs. His ring finger and pinky bent in a little at the furthest knuckle and she wondered if he had broken them at some point. Raising his other hand for comparison, she found it the same. Must just be that way then. His fingers were long and thick, his thumb seemed huge. She smiled softly as she remembered what she once had been told by a girlfriend. The size of a man's hand gave you a pretty good indication of the size of his private parts as well. In this case that applied well enough she supposed - even now he filled her completely, long after his arousal had subsided.
They were pressed full length against each other and Liz was accutely aware of every nook of his body. He hid a lot under his suits every day to say the least. She felt him move his legs a little, stretching them as well as he could, his long muscles beginning to feel pinched. He didn't move from within her though, reluctant to break the tender point of their joining. His foot tilted down and he grasped the blankets between his toes, curling his leg up and lifting it over hers. When he got it high enough, he reached his hand down and grabbed them, pulling them up to cover them.
Only when they were both securely tucked beneath the blanket and warming their chilled skin did he finally speak.
"Liz?" his voice was soft and quiet, a little hesitant.
"Yah?" she prompted, even as she attempted to burrow back into him even further. His hand fell to her waist, gripping her hip tight enough to keep it still.
"What does this make us? Cheaters? Adulterers?"
"What do you mean?" she asked, a touch confused. She didn't see them as either.
"Well you're married and I'm -" he paused for a second "in love with a dead woman. And not only did we sleep together, we enjoyed it. Or at least I did." He added the last part quickly.
"I did too. That wasn't my intention headed in - but I really did. But I don't think that makes us cheaters Don." She could almost feel the face he made behind her. "I don't think I'm married. I mean Tom Keen isn't real so neither is Liz Keen. That contract will never hold up in court. And you - well - she's gone Ressler. She's never coming back. And as much as it hurts, you can't cheat on someone you aren't and never will be with."
She felt his breath catch. His chest, still plastered to her back, rose and fell faster and shallower. Slowly and carefully Liz turned, rolling on her back and lifting both legs to flop over his. He lifted his hips and squirmed, accommodating her move but not leaving her. Now she could see his face and it looked pained. He looked like he would explode if he didn't unload to someone and soon.
"It's okay" she told him gently, placing her hand on his face and tracing his cheekbone. "You can tell me anything Don. Whatever you want to - and it will be safe with me. I only ask the same in return."
He nodded immediately, assuring his confidentiality. Then he let out a huge, stuttering breath and said, "Audrey was pregnant."
"I'm sorry" Liz said. It was all she could say. All she could do was offer the comfort she was able to give. "I can't imagine."
"And I know it doesn't change anything really" he said, "except now I have twice the grief. I loved her Liz - so much. I told you earlier that I hadn't been with anyone but her-"
"Uhuh" Liz nodded.
"That's because she was my best friend growing up. We went to school together, we were always there for each other. I don't know exactly when we fell for each other. It was sometime in high school - after I had finally matured but while my hormones still had the majority of control over my body. I didn't dare do anything about what I felt and neither did she, until finally we kissed each other once the day we graduated. I lost my virginity to her - and she to me - when I was 19. Since then she's been my whole world. I don't know how to live in a world where she didn't exist - and sometimes I don't know if I want to." His voice cracked and tears started to fall, rolling down his cheek and into the pillow between their heads. Liz felt her own eyes well up in reaction to his pain and in understanding. It wasn't long before she joined him in weeping.
"That's why I took the first pills, Liz. Because I thought maybe if I took enough I wouldn't wake up. I didn't want to die - I just wanted to see Audrey again. I had no idea how much to take though, and I was secretly terrified, and I guess my body is either bigger then I thought or a whole lot more resilient. Whatever the case I woke up almost 20 hours later and found that I had truly slept for the first time since she died. So I took them the next night to help me sleep and the next and before I knew it I was hooked. And I liked that they helped me forget and stuff, but I knew they were bad for me. And then they became a real problem, I had to have them no matter what and I almost let someone strangle you. I knew I needed to quit Liz - I knew. But that's easier said than done. I couldn't just walk into some office and ask for help, I still can't. I just can't make myself do it. So when I was forced to in Sitka, I decided to just throw them away and stop it cold turkey. And I did. And you are part of the reason why. I mean I did it for myself, but I also did it for you. You had such faith in me, you believed in me and I couldn't let you down. Today, after you left to go examine that body with Samar, I dumped the last of them down the drain. Every pill I owned, even though I know that I'm going to wake up in the morning in withdrawal. But I did it - for you. Because I don't know what my future holds Liz, but I hope you are a part of it and I want you to be proud of me".
"I'm always proud of you, Don" Liz said. It mattered to him what she thought of him? "Why do you care what I think?" she decided to just ask it.
"Of course I care what you think Liz. I care about you. I don't love you." He paused, realizing what he had just said. "Please don't take that the wrong way - I love Audrey. She's the only woman I've ever loved and besides her I don't know what love is. And I know for certain that I'll never love like that again. But this - tonight - lying here in your arms - it's brought up feelings I can't really name. I care for you Liz. You're my best friend, my only friend really, and you seem to care enough about me to make sure I'm okay. You even take the time to talk to me and - and you invited me into your home and your bed. So yeah - I care for you. Very much and I care what you think about me."
"Oh Don, you're worth caring about you know" she found it a little sad how alone he seemed so often. He was like a tiny little fish fighting to make his way through the ocean on his own.
"Sometimes I'm not so sure" he said. "I try to be a good man Liz - honest I do. But I've still hurt and killed so many people. My fiancee and child included."
"You didn't kill them Don". Liz couldn't believe he thought that. Then again that for sure explained the drugs. "It was way beyond your control."
"You really think so Liz?" his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes took on a desperate sort of look. "You really think that there is absolutely nothing else I could have done?" He had clearly been struggling with this question for a long time, it had come to haunt him in his dreams.
"There is nothing else you could have done" Liz repeated firmly. She reached up and ran her hands through his hair - thick and soft without the input of gel. A huge breath left him, even though he hadn't really been holding it and a sense of relief and calm seemed to move in instead. He let his head fall and pulled her closer in his arms, though that wasn't really possible. She reached around his torso and pulled him into her, running her hand on his back and keeping the other one busy in his hair. He reveled in the feeling of arms around him, the pressure of Liz surrounding him.
His skin felt a bit sweaty still from all the physical labor he had done that night, but Liz didn't mind. He was warm and solid and the comforting presence she needed just then. It was her turn.
"I don't know what to do about Tom". It was the truth, she really didn't. "I mean, I can let him go, but he will flee the country and take everything he knows with him - including where I live and work."
"Liz I don't think that matters. If he wanted to find you he could find you. The guy has connections - you know that."
"I know, I guess that is what I should do. And then go down the courthouse and get our marriage dissolved."
"If there is one to dissolve" pointed out Ressler.
"I just - I don't understand. Who do guys do things like that? Why did he lie and how was he so good at it?"
"He was - is - working for someone." It was the logical answer, but still it hurt.
"I know, I'm just- I'm destroyed Ressler. I mean that was years of my life and I had no idea. How will I ever know if something is real or not? How do I know that anyone actually cares, what if they are all lying?"
"I'm real" said Ressler, "I care - and I'm not lying about that."
"I know" she said softly. "Today when I thought I had lost you Don, I was terrified. You were the last person I knew I truly had on my side. And I don't mean just at work - because I know Aram and Samar and Cooper are too - but I mean personally. And the thought of losing you - it really shook me."
"Why did you think you were losing me?" Ressler asked, confused. He might have been unconscious but he was laying right there in a hospital bed.
"Haha" said Liz a little too seriously. "You should have seen you, though, Ressler. I mean your heart rate never left the 30's, your BP was way to low and I couldn't see you breathing from across the room. I really thought you were dead and they had just laid you there. Or else I thought you would die as I watched. Those numbers weren't high enough to sustain life, Don. I don't need to be a doctor to know that."
"Well, my pulse and BP are usually low, but not that low. Are you sure?" he asked. Liz reached for his wrist and he flipped it for her, giving her easy access to his radial pulse. She found it, right next to a tendon. Without a watch it was hard to actually know what it was, but it seemed normal to her. Then again, he had just had a lot of sex.
"Very sure" said Liz without a doubt. "And you didn't rouse easy either."
"Well it must be the drugs then. We don't really know what they gave me."
"Well I'm sure whatever it was they picked a strong one. You know, you are a trained FBI agent and a strong guy. Anyone can see that. I guess they thought they could handle you better if you were unresponsive. I guess since I was a woman they viewed me as less of a threat."
"Well good thing they were wrong" said Ressler, nudging her with his nose. "I don't really remember what happened, but you saved my ass."
"Yah, you had no idea what was going on" she laughed a little. It was funny in hindsight. "You were waving all over the place. Took you two full minutes to get your pants on. I had to pull down your shirt and buckle your belt so they didn't wind up around your feet."
"Really?" he asked, a little embarrassed.
"Yah, although I probably could have skipped that step, you have a big butt for a guy." She grabbed the flesh in question and he flinched a little.
"I do not" he objected.
"Oooh, you do. Don't worry, I love it. But seriously- I mean you were very drowsy, it makes sense. I'm a little surprised though, that even though you didn't register what was happening your reaction time was fast when you grabbed me."
"I remember that. I didn't know who we were hiding from or where we were so I just watched you. When I saw him, I just reached for you. I don't know - I guess it was instinct."
"Well good instinct" she said. "It might have saved my life."
"I don't know" said Ressler, flushing with color again. He wasn't used to being praised. He ran his hands over her body, tracing the curves of her belly and hip.
"You know..." said Liz. "That nurse there, even though she was fake, she said something."
"What?" he asked.
"About you being my partner. I think she thought we were more than just work partners. Do you think other people think that?"
"I think they will now" he replied. "Liz, how are we gonna work together and keep this a secret? Everytime I look at you, I'm gonna picture you naked and lying in my arms like this. That is really gonna make for a rotten work environment."
"I know" said Liz. "Cause I'm going to be thinking about what I know is under your suits now instead of imaging."
"Wait, you imagined me naked? I thought that was just a guy thing"
"Oh no - it goes both ways. And yes - I did."
"I feel better about myself now" declared Ressler. "But still what are we going to do? I don't really want the others finding out - at least not yet. They won't understand."
"I agree" said Liz quickly. "What about - and you don't have to say yes - but what if we keep doing it?'
Ressler leaned back, narrowing his eyes and looking at her sharply. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, what if we keep it a secret at work and release that effort at night - together. It doesn't have to be anything more, we will just see what the future brings. We both know neither of us is ready for dating yet."
"Okay" said Ressler. He couldn't deny that tonight had been amazing. And it was the first night in a long time that he had felt actually wanted. "I'm good with that"
"Yah. Okay" she smiled at him and he leaned in for a kiss. It was long and deep, but when they broke for air Ressler glanced over her shoulder at the table and was shocked by the alarm clock. He had long since taken off his watch and they had lost track of time. It was almost 4am, he knew it was just a matter of hours before he started sweating and hurling. He wasn't quite sure he wanted Liz to see him like that and he definitely didn't think she wanted to see him like that.
He groaned and then gently put a hand on Liz's hip, stabilizing her as he pulled out of her. Liz felt the lack of him in her and automatically reached out, grabbing his wrist before he could step away.
"And where do you think you're going?" she asked in a flirty voice.
"Home" he said quite simply.
"Oh you're not going anywhere" she said and starting working her hand on the muscles of his chest.
"Liz I'm heading for withdrawal. I'm not going to be pretty in a few hours here. Its pretty horrible". He grimaced, thinking about it. "I hope it's not as bad as last time but still-"
"Exactly. Which is why you're staying" she decided. "So I can help you through it".
"I don't think you want to Liz. I might end up hugging the toilet for a while puking my guts out".
"Then I'll rub your back" she said, "it's what I like when I'm sick".
"Are you sure?" he asked, reaching for her other hand.
"Yah" she said, nodding to reinforce her words. "But you're not feeling sick yet are you?"
"No" he said, even though he knew he was running on borrowed time.
"Good then you come here" she got up on her knees on the bed facing him. She leaned up to kiss him again and began exploring his body with her hands, one finding its way between his legs, making her intention clear.
"Again?" he asked, even as his body responded.
"You up for it?" She stood, spinning them around and pushing him to fall back on the bed. She followed him, straddling his waist.
"Oh, I'm definitely up" he said, being sassy.
Afterwards Liz lay flopped on his chest, their sweaty bodies sticking together. She had her head nestled under his and they used each other as a pillow. This time though, exhaustion began to sweep in, their energy reserves used up.
They slowly worked the blankets up over their bodies and fell asleep as they were, Ressler feeling secured by the weight on top of him and Liz lulled by the sound of his heartbeat beneath her ear.
It was hours later - not enough hours - when Liz woke to the sound of a groan. The man beneath her was completely different than the night before. In the early light of morning she could see the fine beads of sweat on his body and she realized that he was just coming out of a very unpleasant sleep. While he was usually a deep sleeper Ressler had spent the last little bit in discomfort.
Now, awakened and feeling sick he tossed Liz off of him and left the bed, hurrying to the bathroom. Liz heard him a second later retching and she felt bad. It was terrible that he had to go through this all over again.
As promised she followed him into the bathroom where he knelt naked on the floor and rubbed his back. Eventually, the vomiting subsided, there was nothing left in his system to get rid of anyway. Liz helped him into a pair of Tom's sweat pants and into her bed. He was weak and went along easily. She wondered briefly what he would have done had he been home alone, but she knew the answer. He would have laid on the bathroom floor until he gathered the strength to move to his own bed and then he would have stayed there until he felt better, hours or days later. Now at least she was here to make sure he was hydrated and comfortable.
His vomiting gave way to a body shaking fever that went from one extreme to the other. As she helped him into bed she noticed he was freezing, his skin cold and he immediately fell on his side, curling into fetal position. He had his legs pulled up to his chest and his teeth chattered, his body racked with tremors. She pulled up all the blankets on her bed, tucking the think coverlet under his chin. He thanked her and closed his eyes, squinting in pain.
"How are you feeling Don, what hurts?"
"Headache" he said quietly.
"Well why didn't you say something?"
He just shrugged.
"Men" she said, shaking her head. "It's a wonder that you ever guys ever survived this long."
By the time she got back with Ibuprofen and water for him, he had thrown all the blankets off of him and lay spread eagle taking up most of the bed. When she looked at him he weakly meet her eyes and said "hot" by way of explanation. She laid a hand on his chest and forehead and while he wasn't burning he certainly wasn't cold.
"Okay, well you need to sit up. You need Ibuprofen for your headache and water. You're getting dehydrated." Too weak to fight her, he raised himself a little on his elbows. She sat on the bed and put her bent leg behind him to help support him. She gave him the pills, which he obediently popped in his mouth and poured some water in. He gulped a few times and then fell back.
She went to find a cool cloth to dab him with, but by the time she returned to her room it was unnecessary. He was curled in a ball again, trying to pull the blankets back up.
Man, I'm in for a long day, she thought.
By late afternoon Ressler was doing considerably better. His fever had gone down a lot, though not completely and while he still felt funny he was doing a lot better. He was sitting up in bed, slowly eating soup. He hadn't thrown up since that morning and Liz was glad that he was keeping foods down - it would give him some strength.
When he finished his soup Liz made him take a shower while she changed out the sheets on her bed and threw the other ones in the wash.
He came back feeling much better and even though it was barely after 6 Liz tucked him in and told him to sleep. He objected but fell asleep almost right away. Liz cleaned up a little, took a shower of her own and then joined him. Ressler was miles away in dreamland and didn't even notice her get in. He seemed to have regained homeostasis and temperature regulation and Liz gently nestled into his side. His arm automatically wrapped around her and pulled her in, his body molding to fit hers. He clearly had done it a time or two before and it had become instinct. She knew that in his subconscious she was probably Audrey and not Liz. Just for a second it saddened her and then she remembered their original reason for even going home together.
Funny how fast things had moved and it felt like a new relationship.
The next morning, Sunday, Liz woke to discover Ressler staring at her.
"I was just watching you sleep" he said in response to her questioning glance.
"That's a little creepy you know" she said, her smile underlying her words. She leaned over him and grabbed his watch from the bedside table where it still sat and lifted the screen to her face.
"Wow I slept for almost 12 hours!" she said. It was already after 9am. Ressler had been awake for a bit but he gotten at least 14 uninterrupted hours as well.
"I know, I feel almost normal again" said Ressler.
"Well you seem much better" said Liz. She placed the back of her hand on his forehead. The fever was gone. Ressler put his hands on Liz's body as well, stroking the curve of her hip beneath the blankets.
"What happens now?" asked Ressler.
"Well, we have a whole day until we have to go into work and be productive - I say we make the most of it." She lay back, suggestively, but Ressler didn't move to do anything about it.
"Yah, but what about then Liz? What about when work starts again tomorrow? I can't just - fling things Liz, I need stability. I don't want this to come crashing down on us. Promise me that we will always be friends, we'll always be there for each other." She had expected as much from him, she knew what kind of a guy he was. He never did things half-ass. If he was in, he was all in - for the long haul. That suited Liz just fine though. She had been looking for something to get her away from Tom and Ressler was doing amazing. He was her confident and she didn't want to lose him.
"Of course, Don. No matter what the future holds, we will always be friends. I think at work it would be best if we didn't say anything yet, like we agreed. But after work we can get dinner or spend the night at each others' places. We can do whatever we want. And anytime you need to talk I'm here, okay?"
He nodded as she spoke and it seemed to appease him. "I'm here for you too" he said. "I like this - whatever this is" he gestured at them, "I don't know what it is exactly, but it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I don't want to lose that."
"Me neither" she smiled, then ran her hand through his messy girly-smelling hair. He had had to use her shampoo the night before. "You smell like a lady" she teased him.
He growled and leaned down to kiss her, rolling his body and intentionally pinning her to the bed. As his body held her down he started tickling her with his hands. "Well I'm definitely not a lady and I'm gonna prove it. I'm gonna make you smell just like me" he promised.
"Oh yeah?" she challenged, even though she knew she stood no chance.
"Uhuh" his tickles lost momentum rapidly though when she started moving her hips.
They ended up using the day to explore each other before getting back to the realities of life.
Liz and Ressler's life settled into a routine. They were professional and aloof at work, and nobody seemed to have noticed anything at all, and then they let their true selves shine through after they were out of the office.
It started as weeknight dinners that occasionally ended in a sleepover and weekend getaways or stay-ins. It didn't take long at all though, until they were together every night at someone's place. Half of their respective wardrobes were in each other's houses and they usually just stayed at whoever had a better-stocked fridge at the time.
When they were out of work, even in public they acted as a couple. If they were being honest, they were clearly in a relationship. The court had in fact deemed Liz's marriage licence irrelevant and she was legally single.
So far there had been no real fights. Disagreements of course, but they were worked out and the agents made a pact to never let the sun set on their anger.
It was nearing the two month mark and they were going strong. The had had a deep discussion and decided that of they were still together in 2 more weeks - which would be the ten week mark - they were going to tell people and list Liz's place because Ressler had the nicer apartment.
However for a few days now Liz had had some weird stomach bug that while not actually making her sick had made her feel constantly nauseous and uncomfortable. She was beginning to get scared that it was a warning sign of some big underlying problem and she decided it was time to go see the doctor. She told Ressler so that night as she went to bed.
"I made an appointment at the doctor for 3:30 tomorrow afternoon, will you help me cover with Cooper?"
"An appointment?" he asked, "what for?"
"For this stomach thing. It's weird, I've never had something like this before. Like I feel fine now, but I know it will be back in the morning. It has for like the last week."
"Liz don't you think you should-" he stopped, apparently changing his mind.
"Should what?" she asked, strangely peeved.
He sighed and gave her his full attention. "Take a pregnancy test?"
Liz's mouth dropped open. That thought hadn't even entered her mind. Besides it made no sense, "we've been using protection. There's no way I'm pregnant."
"Well I know, Liz" he said, "but you know that nausea is one of the first signs. Besides, not to be blunt Liz, but it's been two months. I've been with you almost every night and you haven't bled yet. And your breasts are bigger."
"No they aren't!" she objected.
"Ooh, yes they are. Believe me, I'm pretty familiar with them."
"But I don't understand. I've been using birth control faithfully, every day, ever since that first night." She was quiet, thinking back in her mind. "Oh God" And then she was out of bed in a leap, flying to the bathroom. She came back with her birth control pills, immediately searching the packaging.
"What is it?" asked Ressler.
"These are from when I was with Tom yet, they are really old. Do these things expire?" she looked at him for an answer.
"How should I know?" he asked, throwing up his hands. Ressler wasn't sure what he was supposed to be feeling in this moment. He grabbed his phone and googled it. "Google says they do - it must be on there somewhere."
"Here - you look" she said, thrusting it into his hands. "I can't focus anyway."
"Oh here it is" he said after a minute. "Liz they've been expired for almost a year. Why did you buy such a big pack?"
"So that I wouldn't run out." She calmed down and got control of herself. "Ressler I think we are really pregnant." They needed a test to know for sure, but nothing was open this time of night.
"You know what - keep that appointment, I'll come with you and we'll figure out - okay?"
"Okay" she agreed. They laid down again and Ressler pulled her into his arms. A minute later, Liz's vice broke the still darkness of the room. "Ressler what if we're pregnant?"
"Then we are going to have a baby" he said. There was never any doubt in his mind about keeping it.
"You want it?" she asked, not surprised that he would make that decision, but surprised that he had made it that fast.
"Liz, I want any child of mine. If I fathered our baby, I want to be there to be a father to it. I want to be a father."
"Okay" she said timidly. "Ressler I'm scared" Damn she really was pregnant - emotion flashes already. "I don't know how to raise a baby!"
"Me neither Liz, but we'll figure it out". His honest reassurance calmed her. His hand snuck under her pajama top and splayed out on her still-flat stomach, covering most of it. "Liz what's done is done. We couldn't have known - about the pills I mean - but there is no undoing it. If there's a baby-"
"There is. I'm like 95% sure now" Liz interrupted.
"Then we will raise it" he continued as though she hadn't spoken. "We are financially stable, mentally and physically healthy people. We have a good job, a big apartment and - each other. Our baby would be safe, happy and loved Liz. That's all that matters."
"You're right" she knew he was. She exhaled a huge breath, her hand falling to rest on top of his. "I'm never gonna sleep now."
"I know" he grinned, his smile splitting his face nearly in half. Liz rolled on her side to face him. He shrugged, joy filling his eyes, "we're having a baby". He was so happy, it was pure. He was giving her all of himself now in a whole new way. He had entrusted a child to her and she to him. They were linked forever now, whether they liked it or not.
She just hoped that they were right and she didn't have to break his heart.
Fortunately, she didn't have to. The doctors appointment confirmed what they had already known, Liz was pregnant. What did take them by surprise was that she was already 8 weeks along, meaning they had conceived one of the first few nights, possibly even the first one. Her slight nausea meant that she had gotten lucky so far with morning sickness, something they were both thankful for.
The doctor booked them an ultrasound later that night which revealed that all was well. Their baby was healthy, in perfect condition, but actually on the big side. It's measurements indicated closer to 10 or 11 weeks, but the level of fetal development - and the sure knowledge that that wasn't possible - told them it was only 8 weeks. This was a good thing for the baby the doctor said, but it also meant she might start showing soon.
It scared them both a little, Liz because she wasn't very big and she had to carry a monster baby and bring it into the world. She knew it might be a hard pregnancy the last month or so. And for Ressler because he knew all of that. He could know everything there was to know and he would still be just as powerless to help. Yet the certain knowledge that at the end of the day it was more or less his fault; and the worry he had for both of them was going to make this a hard pregnancy on him too.
Still for the time being they were happy and that wasn't their worry. What was, was telling the people they worked with.
It wasn't as difficult as they predicted and everyone was happy for them. They spent the next seven months moving Liz into Ressler's apartment and selling hers, as well as preparing a nursery. As predicted the last month was hard on Liz and Ressler took leave to be with her, waiting on her hand and foot.
Nathaniel Jackson Ressler was born at 39 weeks, weighing 8lbs.13ozs. His parents welcomed him with open arms and weepy eyes.
Late that night, Ressler sat beside Liz in her bed, their son asleep on his chest after eating. Liz was running her hands through his fine red hairs, marveling at his similarities with his father. "Thank you Don, thank-you for giving me a child, for giving me a chance to be a mother. I don't think I could ever be given something as amazing as this ever again - life has no greater gift than life."
"Let me try" whispered Ressler, digging with the arm that wasn't cradling their baby in his pants pocket. He came up with a ring box, which he held up for Liz to grab. "Marry me Liz."
And she did, three months later, in a small ceremony in his Mom's back yard in Detroit. They spent the rest of their lives comforting each other, and the children that their love gave them, and they never needed escaping from old demons again.