Compartmentalizing You
Chapter 1
Foreign was the word that danced at the tip of her lip, sitting there singeing her in its unfamiliarity. A description she felt fit the sudden lack of normalcy she found herself in. Foreign was the walls that gave way underneath her sharpened nails as foreign was the tiled floor that lacked the groves of decades of foot traffic. It seemed to her that these halls weren't lived in, well used by its inhabitants. Its lacking thereof disturbed her, filled her with reminders on all the reasons why these foreign walls felt as empty…as the foreign eyes she had once recognized.
Head stooped forward, she kept her eyes fixated absently on the pristine floor before her as she walked aimlessly down the castle corridors, lacking any sense of direction. She knew she would not find her way back any time soon to those estranged eyes. An unconscious sense of relief formed from the thought, helping her to release a breath she didn't know she was holding. She was so idle these days that tension had made a home in all the knots in her back that even a piece of minuscule ease was doing wonders on her ever-presently sore muscles. The sudden peace of mind left her unconsciously smiling as she finally felt free to roam as she pleased. No haunting stare dogging her every step made her feel lighter.
With newfound vigor, she stopped raking her nails across the wall and took stock in her location. Noting quietly with a glance, she saw that the plaster had given way like…thin flesh. Well, she thought, can't help I have claws that can slice through metal and at least, it gives this boring place some sign of life. Moving forward, she tried to push away the memory of warm flesh ripping easily underneath her nails. With a twitch of her ears, she tried to banish the echo of the following scream that came with the memory but deafeningly, the phantom sound rang off the walls in her mind, unendingly. Sighing, she decided to lose herself once more in the hall that held no windows, no doors, no signs and no changes in direction. Curiously, she propelled forward knowing eventually somewhere, this hallway had to end.
After what felt like hours later, she grew irritated and mildly panicked. There had been no change, no people and the strangeness of it all, left her reeling with uncertainty on what to do. She had just wanted some respite from that ever-watching gaze, just enough freedom to ease the pressure of her nightmares in what was supposed to be a brisk midnight walk. Picking up her pace to a light jog, she felt her heart sink at the thought of being trapped like…the four walled cell she had once called home. A cell that had left her with nothing but time to think, alone. She needed to leave this hallway, needed to be back beneath those unfamiliar but beautiful eyes. If she could chose anywhere to be trapped, she'd rather be trapped within the confines of that indecipherable stare. Just as she began to break into a run, the hallway suddenly curved and stopped at a door. Feeling the urge to just at least leave the hallway, she threw open the door without a thought.
It slammed open with such force that it swung back against the wall and rattled with the force. Stunned, she stared at the shadows surprised at her lack of visual adjustment. She's always been able to see in the dark. "Ahh!" Came a feral scream from the depths of the room. No sooner had the cry hit her ear, did she feel a cool press of metal against her neck. Suddenly, the darkness abated and inches from her face, came those hauntingly beautiful eyes that she so desperately had wanted to escape before.
"Catra." Came the monotone greeting from the woman that still held her sword indifferently to her neck. Catra could feel the razor edge already biting into her skin, leaving soft beads of blood to run down her chest. "Hey, Adora." She responded with a quick grin hoping to disarm the warrior before her. Adora slowly relaxed the sword to her side, holding it -Catra noticed- with white-pressed knuckles. Adora's blank stare waited for an explanation that never came as Catra dropped her façade at the iciness in those cerulean irises. Catra didn't give explanations. And Adora never asked for them anymore. "You got lost." The statement felt more like a jab, that Catra bristled at, as Adora glanced Catra over, pausing briefly at the blood still running from the inflicted wound. It did not escape Catra- the flash of need in the depths of her eyes that disappeared like all else in her blue voids. A pang of guilt rushed through her as Catra looked away.
"So what? This place doesn't make sense!" Catra snapped back, hoping to get a rise, something, out of the blonde woman. "Its Bright Moon, Catra. This castle is infused with magic. The castle takes you to the places you want to go." She said blandly as she turned away and walked to the bed. Having finally adjusted to the darkness, Catra stared at the ripples of muscle that flexed unconsciously across her back as Adora tossed, carelessly, her sword. It rang as it hit and scattered across the ground, sliding to a halt beneath the bed. Reaching the bed, Adora repositioned herself to lay back down-her back facing Catra. It was then that Catra finally registered the neatly packed clothes at the foot of the bed. Adora slept naked and without blankets- a fact Catra felt that she should have known but this was just more of the foreign habits that wedged deeper the chasm between her and Adora.
Hesitating briefly on what to do, Catra decided to move further into the room, lest she return to the hallway to meander the rest of the early morning hours away. Having never been in Adora's new room before, Catra glanced around, hoping to find something that would remind her of the Adora she once knew. Yet, here in this room, similar to the old room that Adora gave for Catra to move into, was nothing but bare walls. A room lacking in all necessities save for a twin metal bed with a thin mattress and no sheets. At least in her old room, she had windows with a view but here, Catra noted, was four empty walls that was twice the size of their barracks in the Horde. Barracks that occupied twenty other recruits. Here, the room was as big and vacant as the look that Adora sometimes gave Catra. It chilled her that Adora slept alone in a corner on a bed in a room that held nothing.
Shrugging her shoulders, Catra resigned herself to the other half of Adora's bed. Instantly hating how hard the bed was and the lack of blankets. She felt compelled to say something, to not leave the silence of the air to build upon her but she didn't know what to say. Adora always use to be the one that did the talking. She just had to play along. Feeling chilled at the cool temperature in the room, Catra rolled towards Adora and leaned her forehead against Adora's back. Silently, Catra pondered how someone so cold could exude so much heat.
Unable to sleep, Catra left herself to memorize the ridges of Adora's spine and ribs as well as the tautness of her muscles. She hoped to map Adora in the same way cartographers mapped land as she familiarized herself with the way her scars crisscrossed in ragged jags across her back. Scars...Catra remembers making. By reflex, Catra traced all the scars with her fore finger, aghast at the roughness of the skin. Lacerations, Catra wondered, if they were ever treated. She thought being She-ra meant that Adora didn't come home with wounds, that Bright Moon could heal anything. Ashamed, tears pricked Catra's eyes as she suddenly pressed herself against Adora's lean frame, burying her sobs into Adora's back.
When Catra finally shuddered to a silent whimper, Adora finally spoke. "They're my reminder for my betrayal to you." Still monotone as ever, she spoke calmly, indifferent, as she slowly inched herself to the wall to put as much distance between her and Catra. Desperate for warmth, desperate for touch, desperate for Adora, Catra followed her every inch of the way, hoping that if she can be this close physically- maybe, she can cross that chasm, one day. "I'm sorry." Catra broke down once more, her sobs slowly melting into animalist screams. She is crying so violently that she is rattling the bed with the force of her body. She remembers- her fury and the ease she found in burying her nails in She-ra's back and the pleasure of Adora's screams- and all she wants now is…Adora's smile. For the rest of the night, all the solace Catra received was Adora's back and the cool air to dry her tears.
[CHANGE IN POV]
"Stay." Her voice was soft as it hitched in distress. A singular demand. She never asked for anything…until now. Opening her eyes to the brick wall before her, Adora was keenly aware of Catra's arm and tail wrapped around her waist and her other arm somehow being used as Adora's pillow. Blinking away the dregs of the memory, Adora knew she had only gotten an hour of sleep. Catra had cried herself into unconsciousness and Adora dared not to breath the entire time to not confuse or hurt or give hope to Catra in anyway. It has to be this way. She thought grimly as she shoved down the soreness in her heart that Catra's distress had caused. It has to be this way. She repeated to herself as she felt Catra bury her face further into her back. It has to be this way. Catra's even breathing raised goosebumps along Adora's back as the heat from her breath made Adora want to melt.
Wanting to dislodge herself from the entanglement that was Catra, Adora rolled over to try and figure out a way to escape without waking up Catra. At Adora's sudden movement, Catra rolled onto her back, leaving only her tail tucked protectively over Adora's waist. Feeling triumphant that Catra made it easy for her, Adora glanced down at the sound of Catra's snoring. It has to be- her mouth hung open as she breathed in deep, even breathes, which caused a soft snore to erupt from her throat. Entranced at the beautiful sight of an sleeping Catra, Adora felt the urge to wake her up with a legion of kisses. Unaware of her movement, Adora leaned in breathing in deep the sweet scent of Catra. She always smells like lemon drops. I bet she has a stash. Adora smiled at the thought but halted as she caught sight of the dried blood on Catra's neck. A wound, Adora had caused when Catra had startled her awake from a nightmare.
Filled with guilt, Adora merely wanted to kiss the pain away. Subconsciously, Adora found herself breathing slow breathes onto Catra's neck, causing Catra to naturally flex her head back to give Adora more access. Encouraged, Adora leaned in closer and ran her tongue down along Catra's ear to her neck. "Mhm!" Catra moaned as she arched slightly, pressing herself closer to Adora. Feeling a familiar heat stir inside her, Adora began planting kisses along the wound as she lapped away the dried blood. An odd ritual that Catra and her had as children when one got scratched up. After a few more licks and kisses, Adora was satisfied with her work and slowly began to trail kisses back up Catra's neck and towards her mouth. At the sight of Catra succulent lips, Adora felt her face began to flush as age-old desires rose forth to the surface. I need this. I need her. She thought as their lips connected and Adora slipped her tongue inside, exploring the familiarity of Catra's canines. As she deepens her kiss, Adora reflexively embraces Catra's body as she feels a rise in euphoria as their bodies fit naturally into each other. Made just for m- She stopped frozen when she opened her eyes to Catra's heated stare. That look she gave Adora, the one filled with such need and trust and love, caused Adora's blood to run cold. Sickened at her actions, she shuts down. Collapsing in on herself like a house of cards, Adora jerks back and drops Catra's body away from her.
Her heart strains with the brunt of pressure that is crushing it as Adora begins stuffing every feeling away. Filing it away to never be looked at again. It has to be this way. She repeats to herself in a quiet mantra as she lets the numbness settle back in, filling all the gaps and holes inside her with an iciness she has slowly become accustomed to.
"Adora, please." Catra whispers pleading as she reaches out to touch Adora's bare shoulder. Keeping her head turned away, Adora dips away from her touch and stands up from the bed. She counts the seconds as she begins to dress herself, berating her for her weakness. It has to be this way. She keeps repeating until she can bear to turn around and meet Catra's searching stare with her own blank one. Catra goes rigid as all feelings drain in return. Catra fills with rage the places that Adora has chosen to numb.
"You can't do this to me!" She snarls as she lunges forth, claws shredding the fabric and the skin across Adora's chest. Adora does not move as Catra jumps off the bed and punches her in the face with enough force to send her reeling to the ground. Her head connects sickeningly with the bedroom floor and Adora lays there dazed, committed to receive Catra's wrath. A wrath, Adora blinks, isn't coming as she hazily see's Catra's bent form folded in on herself. She is sobbing again, no…she is shrieking. An agony so raw, that it breaks Adora's heart even further. It has to be this way. She blinks and lets the numbness take the edge off the pain as she pushes away memories. Memories of Catra's screams. Screams she had caused.
As her sight focuses, Adora turns her head just in time to see Melog and Glimmer suddenly appear in the room. Melog takes a protective stance in front of Catra as he hisses at Adora. Glimmer watches on silently as Catra buries herself in Melog's fur and they vanish out of the room, away from Adora.
Emotion crashes into her the moment Catra leaves and she feels her stomach twist itself into such a violent knot that she heaves bile onto the floor next to her. Glimmer watches on as Adora curls in a fetal position, letting her emotions wreak havoc upon her mind. "How much longer are you going to do this, Adora? You both can't keep doing this to each other. It's obvious that both of you can only heal, if you heal together." Glimmer urges as she flops down onto the bed in frustration. This wasn't the first instance in the past year that Glimmer had happened upon Catra and Adora fighting with each other. Adora knew that her patience was running thin, that she didn't have time to deal with Adora's ego and Catra's temper anymore, she had a kingdom to run.
Steeling herself, Adora calms herself and lets ice settle in once more. Glimmer watches the transition on in concern, her brows knitting together in frustration. "I know the loss of She-ra has really hurt you and Catra has really hurt you, but you cannot let yourself just slip into idle indifference just to make it hurt less. You're only damaging yourself further." Glimmer's concern and reminder of the recent past sent hot barbs bubbling out of her chest as she glared at Glimmer. "You don't know anything. Leave me alone." Adora sneered as she began to stand but swayed in doing so.
"Fine. Be that way, Adora, but I will not watch you fall further. I've seen enough and I think it is time for you to leave Bright Moon. Find somewhere else to live this soap opera." Glimmer snapped as she gave Adora a loaded glare before vanishing out of the room. No longer caring, Adora simply grabbed her sword and began to make her way out of Bright Moon to the only place she knew she could go.
[END CHAPTER]
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