Summary
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Cat." The words are whispered over and over into her hair and if Cat tries hard enough the words 'I'm so fucking sorry' sound almost like 'i love you too'.
The day before Jade West becomes Jade Oliver, her best friend has a confession.
Authors Note
As promised at the end of 'and everyone wants a taste' this is the first one my oneshots/drabbles that I'm putting up while I'm working on my next multi-chaptered story. This one and the next one are both kind angsty so I'm not quite sure where that came from. Most of my stuff is pretty chipper normally!
I don't generally write F/F or M/M, for no reason other than the fact my favourite couples happen to be het but I do like a bit of unrequited girl love, I won't lie.
The title comes from 'Cold Water' by Major Lazer ft. Justin Bieber and MO.
Cat watched Jade with wide eyes as she stood in front of the mirror. She looked like an angel in her gown, white strapless satin with a layered skirt that trailed along the ground – right now, more than it would on the big day itself. After all, she wasn't wearing her heels right now, but she would on the day.
"You're beautiful Jade." Cat told her earnestly, her usual puppy-dog like enthusiasm toned down in awe and reverence of her gorgeous best friend, in a gorgeous dress that, in 24 hours, she'd be wearing as she made Beck Oliver the happiest man in the universe.
"Thank you, Kit." Jade replied, turning to face the much smaller girl, and Cat couldn't help but exhale all the air in her lungs at the smile on Jade's soft lips, the happiness twinkling in her blue-grey eyes. When Jade smiled at you, Cat thought, it was like all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out and you couldn't breath, but that was fine because who needed to breath when that smile was directed straight at you? Cat could live off of that smile, she knew it. She could forgo air and water and food and even red velvet cupcakes, all for that smile to be directed at her every day.
And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair because Cat wouldn't get that smile every day. She wouldn't wake up and see Jade next to her, or watch her make a face as she cooked eggs because only Jade could make eggs the way Cat really liked them, despite hating even just the smell of them herself. She wouldn't get to see Jade all soft at night, after she'd showered, her damp hair causing wet patches to appear on her shirt, her face free of all make up, curled up in an armchair reading a new script or a book with more pages than Cat could count. She wouldn't be the first thing Jade saw in the morning and the last thing she saw before she went to sleep.
And it wasn't fair, because it was Beck would get all of that. Beck loved Jade, and Jade loved Beck. That much was obvious. But Cat couldn't help but feel Beck didn't love Jade enough. He didn't love her the right way. He got mad at her and they shouted and argued. Cat would never do that. Cat loved Jade like a flower loved the sun; like she was a moon stuck in the gravitational pull that was the planet of Jade West. She loved Jade to the point that she sometimes saw glitter and sparkles when they were hanging out together; and no matter how hard Cat tried to catch fistful of those sparkles and glitter, she never managed. When Jade asked what she was doing, why she was grabbing at the air, Cat would smile beatifically and ramble on about catching sunshine to put in her pocket, because everything was better with pockets full of sunshine, and Jade would roll her eyes but chuckle at the oddity that was Caterina Valentine.
"I love you Jadey."
Cat didn't even realise the words came out her mouth, but she didn't regret it once she did. Because this time tomorrow, Jade would be walking down the aisle towards Beck Oliver, not towards Cat Valentine. She'd be on her way to become Jade Oliver (legally, because West would still be her stage name) not Jade Valentine-West or West-Valentine. And every silly little dream she'd had since 7th grade when they first met would vanish into the glitter that surrounded Jade when they were together.
"I love you too, Kit. That's why you're my Maid of Honour." Jade rolled her eyes, but smiled so her reflection in the mirror was aimed at Cat. And Cat didn't know why, but that opened the flood gates.
"No Jadey. I mean...I love you. I've always loved you. Since we first met in 7th grade and you made that bully pee his pants. I love you the way I'm meant to love boys." There. She'd said it. She'd finally confessed what she'd known for years, since she kissed Andre Harris at graduation and realised she'd felt far more when just getting a hug from Jade than she did from kissing her crush.
She clenched her eyes shut, half expecting Jade to slap her or shout at her or scream at her to get out or storm out herself, still in her wedding dress. But what she didn't expect was to feel cool arms wrap around her small shoulders, the soft skin of Jade's collarbone against her cheek, the sharp point of Jade's chin resting softly on faux red locks.
"Oh Kit. Oh baby..." She breathed, and it's only then Cat realised that she's crying; silent tears trailing down her cheeks and dripping off her chin. "I love you too Kit."
"But not the way I love you." Cat managed to hiccup back, sniffling a little to try to stop her nose running. Jade was already getting covered in tears, she didn't want to add snot to it too.
"No...and I'm so sorry Kit." She murmured and Cat felts cool and soft and delicate hands stroking up and down her back gently. "I'm so, so sorry."
"Do...do you hate me now? Do you want me to not come tomorrow?"
"Cat! Of course not!" Jade exclaimed, pulling back a little and Cat thinks that might be the cruelest thing Jade has ever done, because if Cat had her way, she would have stayed in that position forever, cocooned in the arms of the one person who'd always made her feel safe and secure and warm and loved. How did it take her so long to realise what she felt for this one girl was the strongest thing she'd ever felt? How could she ever have mistaken it for friendship? "Kitten...I love you. I love you so much. Just...just not in that way." There are tears in her grey blue eyes that somehow made her look even prettier, with black crème eyeliner and mascara clinging to her lashes, a little scar across the bridge of her nose from when she was a little kid and lived with her mom and her moms boyfriend. "I want you to still be there. I want you to walk in front of me down the aisle." She smoothed away a few flyaway red hairs, thumbs wiping the tears still spilling from Cat's eyes.
"Why don't you hate me?" Cat whispered.
"Why would I hate you! How could I hate you?!" Jade asked, pulling Cat back into her arms, back into her cool embrace – because Jade never felt warm, despite having a blazing inferno of passion and rage and so much love it was almost blinding, inside her. "Just because you're...gay? Or bi? I don't care about that. You're still the same Caterina Valentine who was my first real friend. The same girl who stuck with me when I was being an awful person in high school. You've been a permanent fixture in my life since the day we first met and I don't want it any other way."
Cat should have been comforted by those words. Jade loved her. Maybe not the same way Cat loved Jade, but even just a little teeny corner of Jade's love was hard to get. And Jade loved her so much. But just...not enough. Not in the right way. "Why...why don't you love me like I love you?"
Jade didn't answer, at least, not straight away. Cat could hear the rabbit feet-like beating of her heart, which is so big and full of love for her most important people – her and Andre and Robbie and Tori and so much love for Beck. "I...I wish I had an answer for that, Kit." She finally replied, her breath causing strands of red hair to ruffle as she spoke. "And...I'm so, so, so fucking sorry Kitten. I...I never realised." Cat felt cool lips press against her forehead and Cat just knows Jade is running through all the times she must have hurt Cat unknowingly, or made her feel sad or jealous; She just knows Jade is thinking of almost every interaction she ever had with Cat, seeing if she ever did anything to lead her on, to hurtfully fuel this love that Cat feels sometimes burns her from the inside out.
Everyone always thought Cat wore her heart on her sleeve, but Cat had always known she didn't; if she wore her heart on her sleeve, she'd leave a trail of fire against everything she brushed against, because it burned so hot she swore it was like fire in her chest, pumping lava through her veins instead of blood.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Cat." The words are whispered over and over into her hair and if Cat tries hard enough the words 'I'm so fucking sorry' sound almost like 'i love you too'. "But one day Cat, one day...you're going to meet someone better than me. Someone nicer and sweeter...someone who...who loves you back just as much as I do." Jade pulled back again and smiles, but its sad and so different from the smiles Cat normally gets from Jade; sharp teeth and the corner of her lips twisted upwards, her eyes sparkling with humour and intelligence and love; but not the right kind of love, never the right kind of love. Because that love was directed at Beck, only Beck. "And when you find them, when they find you...they'll realise the exact same thing I did all those years ago."
Cat looked up at her with tear filled yet questioning big brown eyes, her lashes stuck together with tears and her make up smudged all over.
"They'll realise that you're the sweetest, kindest, prettiest, most talented girl they've ever met. And...and they'll love you so much for that Kitty. But they'll love you in the right way. They'll love you and you'll love them back so much." She smoothed the red hair away from Cat's face, where it had stuck to her tear tracks. "Because you always love so strongly Cat. You're amazing. You love so strong and so much that it feels like Christmas Morning every time you smile." Cat giggled a little at that, hiccup-y ones that sound like they're bubbles. "You're my best friend Cat. And I love you so much."
She drew her back into the circle of her arms and both of their knees seem to give out at the same time, and what would people think if they come in and see, a bride-to-be and her best friend, one in a wedding dress, the other in a dark green satin bridesmaids dress, arms wrapped around each other, kneeling on the floor, both of them crying.
"You love me so much...but not in the right way." Cat whispers, and for some reason she feels lighter. She hasn't lost Jade, despite telling her darkest secret. Jade is still there, still her rock. Jade would never leave her. She'd just said it; Cat was her best friend. And Jade loves her. And when Jade loves, she loves with everything she has.
"But not the right way." Jade echoed and her arms tightened around Cat's tiny frame.
And if Cat tries hard enough, 'but not the right way' kind of sounds like 'i love you too', too.
If you liked it, please leave a review! If you didn't, please leave a review telling me how it could be improved!